AMAZED AT THE LOVE
Mood:
hug me
Now Playing: CLASSICAL LIST
I am so amazed and a bit overwhelmed by how much I love Allen. I thought these feelings would have faded long ago, but they haven't. If anything, they've gotten stronger over the years we have been apart.
I feel this week will last much too long knowing how much I look forward to his coming to Bangor. We will set it up for him to meet the girls, Kay and Andy and their bunch on his next visit. This time will be for the two of us. To renew what was almost lost forever.
He still wants to have a child with me, but the likelihood of that happening I guess would be safe to say is impossible. I have been looking into information on tubal ligation reversal. It's expensive as hell, but much cheaper than trying to go the invitro route.
Any way it's looked at, we will be together, and have already discussed the possibility of marriage. He wanted to know if I would run away again not if, but WHEN he puts a ring on my finger. I assured him I wouldn't. I can't run any more. It would be foolish of me to do that again. There's often a second chance, but not many third or even fourth chances to be with the person you love with all your heart and who lets you know loves you in return.
I did tell him the truth concerning some things while we were apart. I thought he would hate me for keeping these things from him, but he doesn't. Quite plainly he told the truth. He's very disappointed that I didn't tell him, and of course he let me know I fucked up. Something I don't think he even had to say out loud. And, I could have gotten away with telling him nothing at all, but I knew it would be best to tell him everything. He had the right to know then, and he does now. If only there were a way to get that time back and have him in my life back then.
He let me know also that I don't have to keep handling everything alone. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. It's going to take a lot of getting used to, but I think I can manage it.
I was thinking of working on some music to go with some of the poetry and prose in his newest book. I would love to be able to help him out with anything concerning it.
I think once it's decided that we are definitely going to marry I will offer to sign a pre-nuptual agreement. I don't want him to think I will want to take anything from him that isn't mine. Besides, I don't intend to let him go again. Not ever. I know it sounds a bit obsessive, but I love him, and I'd be a fool to let him go again.
With him having been so very sick and alone, coming so close to death physically, emotionally, and spiritually I can't let him go. I don't want him to ever go through anything like that alone again. Whatever happens I plan to be right there with him. Helping him. Nursing him. Loving him.
The girls and I will need to do some rearranging in this tiny apartment. I want for Allen and I to have a place to be private with each other, and that can't be done in the livingroom on the sofa. So the girls will be in the larger room together, and I will take the smaller room. I just have to get a bed to put in there for us, and it was already clear we needed more closet and dresser space, so I'll have to see what can be done on that front.
Allen sent me a copy of his resume to get started on his job search back here in Bangor. I also need to start looking for a larger apartment. Hopefully something close to Jo's school so she can continue to walk. I like the idea of her being able to do that.
I hope all of this doesn't take too long. There's so much to get done in such a short amount of time. I think it will go well if I keep my shoulder to the grindstone.