THE DAY MAY COME SOON
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: NOTHNG
Well of course I've been thinking a lot about Allen. I hope he can get the time off work to come down one day this week. That's what's been keeping me focused all this time. Hoping that he'll be able to be with me again as we were supposed to have been all those years ago. He means so much to me it's frightening. But I'm dealing with the fear and hopefully one of these days it will be gone and stay gone. If things work out we'll be together Wednesday afternoon and until some time on Thursday. If he knows for sure that he'll be here on Wednesday then I'll call and let my professors know that I won't be in class that Thursday. I'll just have to wait to be with him until after my appointment with Dr. Betty. There is so much to tell her. It's a good thing to have someone to talk to who isn't going to judge and scrutinize my every move. She'll also help me with dealing with the entensity of what I feel for Allen. I wouldn't even know where to begin when it comes to telling a therapist. I have some time to work on setting up how that will be handled. I'll also be talking to Ken and Jay about an apartment hopefully in this area where it won't cost too much more than what I'm paying now. It would be wonderful to have a new place when he gets back down here and can meet the girl. Hell, I'm just looking forward to seeing him again. The idea of him touching right now will keep my body too excited. That's not a bad thing, but I do want to make sure I have the energy to keep up with him. Have I said lately how much I love him? I LOVE ALLEN FRANCIS FOLEY.

STILL HOPEFULL
Mood:  special
Now Playing: BITCHY MOOD MIX
Topic: WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE?
I'm hoping he'll still be able to make it, but Allen may not get down here this weekend. I know with all the snow the hotel is busier than ever. I could tell when I did get around to calling earlier today. I could hear the people talking in the background. Damn snowmobilers. I'm checking to see if I can snag a ride with someone and maybe get up there to see him soon. That would be wonderful. We would like very much to consumate the renewal of our relationship. I guess it's not starting over from scratch, but it's not exactly picking up where we left off. Actually if we were to pick up where we left off I'd quite possibly have his child now. As he says, probably a couple of kids. Well, there's no point in dwelling on what can't be changed. We are together now, and that's the important thing. And now that I have him back I'm keeping him. I know, I've said that probably a thousand times already, but I can't believe how fortunate I've been. To have a man I've loved for so long back in my life. And to think, none of it was planned. Even if he can't make it down this weekend I will try to find a way to let him know how committed to him I am. Not that he really needs reminding. I had a talk with Charlie from school today. He's got the idea that Allen won't be in my life long and that he intends to be patient and wait for me. The man is trully nuts. I told him it wouldn't be like that, but if he prefers to hold his breath waiting, I can't stop him. He'll just have a very long wait. I hope to talk to him before we both go to bed tonight. Maybe we can talk dirty to each other before getting to sleep. That would be fun. I love it when he talks dirty. I love the sound of his voice. I love looking at his picture that I've turned into wallpaper on my desktop. I love him. Drastically silly of me to do things this way, but he makes me feel like a teenager. At least I suppose this is how teenagers behave when they're in love. The major difference is I don't intend to have a new love in the next couple of weeks. Allen Foley is it. The one and only. To be my best friend. My lover. My companion. The one I want to spend the rest of life living with, taking care of, sharing everything with. No more secrets. No more running.

SO MUCH IN LOVE
Mood:  lucky
Now Playing: BARRY MANILOW
Topic: ALLEN FOLEY
I've had a lovely conversation with Allen a little while ago and I'm still reeling from it. I can't believe I have him back. He's mine, all mine, and I'm his. And actually so are the girls. I feel like crying every time I think of him. I just feel so damn happy all the time. How could I have gotten so fortunate to have him? I can't run away again. That would be more than stupid. I'm sticking to him and never letting go. And the sooner I can get something set up as far as a job for him down here the sooner we can actually make plans to be married. I also have to find us a bigger apartment. I don't want the girls to share a room together any longer than necessary, and Allen and I will certainly need a room big enough for both of our things. It would be nice to find a house in this general area so Jo can keep going to her school, but I think that no matter where we live she won't have too many problems. Besides, I'd love for her to have a yard she can tumble in, have a puppy and a cat. Maybe I can have a garden. I'd also like to get some of my short stories finished and hopefully sold. That would help financially. Maybe it would be something to help with the tubal reversal so we can try and have a baby. Wow, the thought of having his child is so frightening, yet exciting at the same time. It would be a part of both of us. There would be no questions as to who the child's father is, because the father would be right there. I have thought about Allen possibly adopting the girls, but I know that jerk in Baltimore would fight that harder than he did the divorce, and he hasn't bothered to send them any letters or anything. After all he has no problem with finding out where we are when he really wants to. I'm listening to "If Tomorrow Never Comes" recorded by Barry Manilow. I want Allen to always know and be sure of how I feel for him. I don't want either of us leaving this world without knowing how much I love him. I want him to always know how in love with him I have always been, I am now, and how much in love with him I will always be.

AMAZED AT THE LOVE
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: CLASSICAL LIST
I am so amazed and a bit overwhelmed by how much I love Allen. I thought these feelings would have faded long ago, but they haven't. If anything, they've gotten stronger over the years we have been apart. I feel this week will last much too long knowing how much I look forward to his coming to Bangor. We will set it up for him to meet the girls, Kay and Andy and their bunch on his next visit. This time will be for the two of us. To renew what was almost lost forever. He still wants to have a child with me, but the likelihood of that happening I guess would be safe to say is impossible. I have been looking into information on tubal ligation reversal. It's expensive as hell, but much cheaper than trying to go the invitro route. Any way it's looked at, we will be together, and have already discussed the possibility of marriage. He wanted to know if I would run away again not if, but WHEN he puts a ring on my finger. I assured him I wouldn't. I can't run any more. It would be foolish of me to do that again. There's often a second chance, but not many third or even fourth chances to be with the person you love with all your heart and who lets you know loves you in return. I did tell him the truth concerning some things while we were apart. I thought he would hate me for keeping these things from him, but he doesn't. Quite plainly he told the truth. He's very disappointed that I didn't tell him, and of course he let me know I fucked up. Something I don't think he even had to say out loud. And, I could have gotten away with telling him nothing at all, but I knew it would be best to tell him everything. He had the right to know then, and he does now. If only there were a way to get that time back and have him in my life back then. He let me know also that I don't have to keep handling everything alone. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. It's going to take a lot of getting used to, but I think I can manage it. I was thinking of working on some music to go with some of the poetry and prose in his newest book. I would love to be able to help him out with anything concerning it. I think once it's decided that we are definitely going to marry I will offer to sign a pre-nuptual agreement. I don't want him to think I will want to take anything from him that isn't mine. Besides, I don't intend to let him go again. Not ever. I know it sounds a bit obsessive, but I love him, and I'd be a fool to let him go again. With him having been so very sick and alone, coming so close to death physically, emotionally, and spiritually I can't let him go. I don't want him to ever go through anything like that alone again. Whatever happens I plan to be right there with him. Helping him. Nursing him. Loving him. The girls and I will need to do some rearranging in this tiny apartment. I want for Allen and I to have a place to be private with each other, and that can't be done in the livingroom on the sofa. So the girls will be in the larger room together, and I will take the smaller room. I just have to get a bed to put in there for us, and it was already clear we needed more closet and dresser space, so I'll have to see what can be done on that front. Allen sent me a copy of his resume to get started on his job search back here in Bangor. I also need to start looking for a larger apartment. Hopefully something close to Jo's school so she can continue to walk. I like the idea of her being able to do that. I hope all of this doesn't take too long. There's so much to get done in such a short amount of time. I think it will go well if I keep my shoulder to the grindstone.

TRYING TO BE PATIENT
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: NONE
I had the chance to talk with Allen on the phone this morning. It just felt so good to hear his voice. Of course hearing him made me want him even more, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. How could I have been so stupid to run away from him? Actually at this point I should stop asking the question of why I ran away and enjoy the fact that we have found each other again. I don't know how this happened, but I am oh so very glad it did, and now that I have him back in my life I intend to hold on tight and never let go.

STILL SCARED
Mood:  surprised
I sent Allen an email letting him know how much I really care for him and always have. I guess at this point all I can really do is wait for him to read it and take it from there. He's coming down on the 30th, and I can't wait to see him. I can't wait to feel his arms around me again. There is so much to talk about, so much to do to and for each other, so much to re-experience. It's all so frightening, but I'm looking forward to what will happen between us. No more running away. No more running from what could be the best thing in mine and the girl's lives. No more living with the past. It is time to see what the future will hold. Although Allen is being open minded about my possibly being with someone else until he's moved back down here, I haven't really wanted anyone else. I guess I'll give Ben a chance to play a bit, but he's no Allen and never will be. He's a nice enough guy and all, but Allen has my heart, my soul, my very being as a woman and lover. Maybe if the weather permits I'll play with Ben a little, but my mind and heart will be with Allen. I know there isn't anyone who will ever be able to touch me the way he has. I feel so very lucky to be given another chance with him. I've suspended my personal ads for now, waiting to see what happens with the two of us. Charlie Smith wanted me to call him because he saw my ad on MSN. I thought he would have been done with school in December, but he's still there. I hope I'm not the reason he stuck around. He's a nice guy and all that, but I have no interest in him romantically or sexually. I guess the real trick will be to make him see that. As long as Allen is up in Presque Isle, I'll be working on taking care of the girls and getting school work done. I hope and pray to the Goddess and the God that this works out with Allen. We are both pretty much in a position to trully care for each other. I don't know how often people are given the chance to be with someone they've almost lost, but to have the chance to explore the newness of rediscovery, the chance to renew passion, the chance to relearn what makes each other happy physically, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, spirirtually is a chance I think I'd be a fool to pass up. I can't wait for him to get here. I'm looking forward to being with him. I just hope I don't fuck things up this time. I don't want to lose him again. It's been too long since either of us has been happy with another person, and for some reason we have been given this chance to be together again. We have to do this.

ALLEN FOLEY
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: WRITING INSPIRATION
I've been back in school for two days, and I have been able to think of little else but Allen. Of course I get what I have to done, but I think of him being near me. I think of him touching me. I think of him kissing me. I think of him entering me. I can hardly stand the waiting for the 30th. I want so much to fill my mouth, my pussy, my very being with him. He has said again that he understands my needs being met by someone else, but since speaking with him, I haven't really wanted anyone else. I know there will be noone else to satisfy me that way he did all those years ago, or when he's back here in Bangor. I'm looking forward to having him between my legs, sliding himself in and out of me. Knowing that I feel so strongly for him that will make his being in me so much sweeter. I'm sure I'll talk to him a little later, but I can't wait to hear the sound of his voice. I love when he tells me what he wants to do to and for me. I'm just hoping I'll be able to please him as much as he pleases me. I can't wait to have him in bed next to me. Being able to just lay back and enjoy being with each other, then when we're ready, make love some more. I want to be in a candle lit room with him sipping on wine, celebrating each other. Damn, how did things get like this? Why did I run? Why didn't I just deal with my fears and stick it out? Why did I not let myself feel anything for so long? I'm sure he'll be wanting answers to those questions when we see each other. I think he may actually want me to say what it is I feel for him. I'm going to concentrate on us pleasing each other and try not to let my feelings for him make me run away again.

LIFE IS FULL OF SURPRISES
Mood:  quizzical
This has certainly been quite a day for me. I managed to chat with Ed a little today, but that wasn't the major thing that got the day feeling extra strange to me. After four years I heard from a person I never expected would even remember me let alone still want me. Allen Foley, a man I met online, and spent a very intimate morning with saw my profile on Adult Friend Finders and sent me a message stating he wanted to add me to his list of special friends. What's really ironic about the whole thing was that it was almost four years ago to the day that we spent that morning together. It's almost like a birthday present. I've thought of him often and very fondly, and to hear from him was wonderful. What surprised me most was that he felt our relationship was more than just sex. At least that's what he wanted, but didn't want to push the issue because of what I had told him about not wanting to commit to anyone. The poor man has seen a lot of hard times since we last had contact with each other. He did manage to get engaged to someone, and I thought that would be something lovely for him, but she ran out on him as soon as he was diagnosed with not one but two brain tumors. There is no way in hell I could ever do that to him. No matter how afraid I was of a long term relationship I couldn't leave him like that. I couldn't leave him to face some of the most frightening days of his life, especially if they could very well have been his last. I have to admit, I feel a bit guilty at not being there for him. I know I would have been better for him than the woman he had been engaged to. I gave him my phone number and he called almost immediately. That's when he let me know what he had gone through, but typical Allen, he wanted to know how I was doing. We talked about our thinking about the possibility of my being pregnant after our morning together. He wanted so much for me to have been. I think it would have been a reason for me to stay close to him and not run away the way I did. I explained to him that I would have been happy to have given him a child if I didn't have so many problems with trying to carry to term. He seemed a bit disappointed, but understanding about my fears. I think he understand better why I'm so protective of the girls now. He sounded good on the phone. He sounded like he was really happy to be talking to me. It brought back a lot of those old feelings. Feelings that never really went away, they were just shoved to the back of my mind where I want to keep things safe and sound. Away from prying eyes. My heart is beating hard and fast now just thinking about him, and how he made me feel. I still want him. Oh boy, do I still want him. That doesn't take away from what I feel for Ed, Ben, or even Tracy, but it's different. I think with Allen there is a real possibility that we could have something where it's just the two of us in the relationship, not other girlfriends, or waiting to see if another woman will leave someone else so they can pick where they left off. I'm wondering if there can be a real chance for us this time. A chance that I won't fuck up and run away from. One thing that made me feel really good was Allen saying that our morning together wasn't just fucking, he was making love to me, and wanted to make love to me again. I don't know if it has something to do with the water, or the way men are raised up here or something, but Maine men seem to have a real thing about getting their pleasure in seeing the woman they are with being pleasured. I like that a lot. Hopefully Allen and I can get together soon. He's planning on being down here in Bangor in a couple of weeks and will call and let me know when so we can plan to spend some time together. He understands that I don't want to bring anyone home. At least not at this point. I don't want the girls thinking their mother is a slut having men coming in and out of the apartment all the time. It's odd enough to be talking to different men online or on the phone. Who knows what will happen from all this.