When I think about the first two years that I knew him . . . I couldn't stand him and not the kind of "dislike" that I hold for him now, but I actually didn't like who he was, or to be around him. He was cruel, cocky, and no one else really mattered. He was so mean to me and we would throw around mean comments to one another all day long if we could. It was such a great relationship. Then, my sophomore year, for whatever reason he wasn't just the guy that I hated, he became the guy I loved to hate. When he found out that I liked him, he actually talked to me a few times but, he had a girlfriend, so it didn't matter much anyway. I did however, make him a garter for homecoming our junior year and he actually wore it! I know that's not a big deal to most people, but to me, it was . . . I mean, he actually paid attention to something that I did. After discovering my crush he would occasionally hit my arm, give me some stupid smirk, or even a head-nod on a good day. Things slowly started to progress, but my crush grew into something more, an infatuation -- and a strong one at that. I couldn't explain the way I felt whenever he came around . . . it was so amazing but so scary. The year passed and nothing came from it, my stomach would still flip at the sight of him and I would always wonder what it would be like to just hang out with him. Then, summer before our senior year I went to a party he was at. We ended up by each other in the same room and we started to talk. Well, actually, he started saying mean things and making fun of me, but either way it was the most we'd ever talked. Later that night we ended up hanging out together at my best friend's house. We were together that whole night, but when his friends got up to leave he stayed a minute to say good-bye and . . . we kissed. I remember my knees went weak and an immediate smile appeared on my face. But, I wasn't really surprised that after that night we didn't talk the rest of the summer. Nothing ever ended up happening . . . no matter how badly I wanted it to. I was more wrapped up in him than ever after that night. Well, school was about to start and all through registration, each time football got out of practice I would get butterflies just seeing him walk by. About two months after the night we kissed, I finally saw him again face to face at school. He didn't say much other than his typical comments, but later that night I had a surprise visitor at my house. I couldn't believe it when I walked into my living room and he was standing there. I had been asleep and to wake up to him there . . . I couldn't even process what was happening. He never said why he came and that night we lied on my bed and watched Love & Basketball. He wasn't as mean as usual, and we actually had conversation. I finally saw a glimpse of the person inside, and my infatuation grew into feelings. Yet again, I was hopeful of what would come of it and yet again, I was disappointed. He did it to me again . . . messed with my head and killed my hope. I didn't understand, and nobody did. He is so closed off, so afraid, and, to this day, I'll never understand why. The rest of that year nothing went on. Little smirks and comments here and there through the first half of the year, and my feelings were put aside for the most part . . . but arose for any moment I caught a glimpse of him. March came around and, out of nowhere he talked to my friend and started asking all about me and gave her his number for me to call him. I called and we talked and he was more conceded than ever. Apparently, I had to make an appointment to talk to him at school and he was going to try and "fit me in" his schedule. At that point, I was through with it, or so I thought. Powder puff football came around and, just my luck, he was the position I played. He had to coach me and was nice on good days, and not so much on others. However, he said I could wear his number in the game so things seemed to be looking up. The prom came and the guy who asked me happened to be going with him and his date, so we ended up in the same car and at the same restaurant. We showed up together and sat together at it. He was so mean the entire night, except for when I first walked out, he just smiled really big and said I looked great. It was another small peak of the real guy in there. At this point in the year I was determined to get him. For some reason I craved this guy's attention, and I saw something in him that no one else tried to see. So, that night, I kept making comments. We ended up at the same after party and I told him I wanted to be with him. He said he had a lot to think about but that he would call me. The month passed and nothing. I was so tired of running in circles and didn't know what else to do. Graduation came and I figured my never-ending infatuation would soon fade away. But that night at our project grad, he decided to stir things up again for old times sake. We hung out the whole time. He would say how much he didn't like me and I would say the same to him. But, he told my friend that he wanted to hang out with me and that he would call me the next day. And, for the first time in three years, he did what he said he was going to do. We talked on the phone, spent time together, and in my head all of the things that happened was going to lead somewhere. About a week of not seeing each other, he called and we talked in my car for hours. That, I feel, was the defining moment in whatever this roller-coaster ride of a relationship was. He talked the whole time and he told me so much about him. He showed me the real him and I couldn't have been happier. That was all I wanted, for that guy, the one I knew was in there to come out, for him to not be afraid to let himself go to someone, to trust them even . . . and I was so glad he had chose me. At the end of the night, he talked about being "together" but nothing was ever said for sure. He called me again a few days later but I couldn't hang out that night. After that, I never heard from him again. I called . . . but nothing. So, I just let it go. To this day I still don't know where I went wrong. He either realized what a mistake he made or was so afraid that I knew what was behind the surface. I was so hurt that he wouldn't talk to me and I had such mixed emotions about him after that. I kept saying how much I "hated" him, but deep down I knew that wasn't the truth. He just disappeared and didn't even tell me why. I saw him three months later at the homecoming game and I swore I was going to act like he didn't exist but, when I saw him I was a sophomore all over again . . . and everything went out of focus. He looked at me and gave me a high-five and that was all. But that's just him. About two months after that I saw him again and I could barely breathe. How someone can cause physical things to happen to you by just coming into view is amazing to me. That night we went to the movies with some friends and I was completely ignored. Afterwards, he talked to my friends and didn't say a word to me, not even eye contact for over a half hour. I couldn't understand what it was that I had done so wrong to make me no longer register on his radar. I got in the car and immediately started to cry. Heavy, whaling crying, it actually hurt, and the broken heart count went up one. I guess I'll always wonder what could have happened had he gave me the chance and I know that it is his loss, but deep down . . . it's mine to. I know a lot of people know who he is, but I also know there are not that many who got to see the guy that I did and that guy, well, I'll never forget him . . . never. I've learned so much about life and emotion from knowing him and I wouldn't change a thing about it. Your heart needs to go through some bumps like these in order to make it through. Besides, no matter what he's done or not done he had the biggest impact on me these past four years. And, I know, no matter how many years go by . . . my stomach will always do a little flip when I see that face.