Mood:  a-ok
Topic: announcement
i am staying in ball club and i cant use the computer at school. update will be rare until i get to my house in cass lake. which hopefully will be soon. im trying to get the school to let me in here at least. so i only have like 2 minutes so ignore any spelling mistakes i make.. i gotta go to the saurday mentor meeting thing now so bye

Columbus Day
Mood:  quizzical
Christopher Columbus was found guilty in our court today. Our class had a mock trial today. I was a court reporter, and may i add that I have lots of respect to those who do that in real life... Its hard. I got like 1 word for every 100 words that were said... yes, i was that bad. Anyways. Cody was the prosecutor, sheena was the judge, frank was the defence and this one boy that likes courtney was Christopher columbus... the rest of the details do not need to be known because i hate typing on the computer, because i would rather hand write things. Uh, i have to write a paper because of my poor job in court today :( it kinda sucks... but i guess i should stay positive because, i have to stick to my "goal" if you want to call it that... its all a long story. i have to do things to keep myself busy for some reason or another. then i gotta write an article too so i should get to that...
I will add poetry hopefully tomorow...
That means hopefully...
-Rose

Mood:  down
Topic: poetry/journal
i really dont like this anymore. everything. i feel like crap. im stuck on this messed up world just trying to survive. i just found out i wont be able to see my mom this weekend. it sucks. i really miss her. its driving me crazy not being able to see her. i really dont like it where i am right now. uh, i wrote a poem its:
i hide my feelings
i hide all that i feel
i hide my emotions
i hide all that is real
i put in a smile
its only skin deep
i wear it when im awake
i wear it when i sleep
i need to hide htese feelings
ive always felt inside
they are all so confusing
i just want to hide
i dont want them to know
to know the truth
i do so much to hide it
i feel sometimes i just want to give up
they say its full but there's nothing in my cup
look on the bright side
They say and say
i just wish they'd shut up
and go away
im so tired of hearing
you will go far
ive gone trough things
theyv'e left permanent scars
they believe my masquerade
my endless lies
they think im so perfect
its all a bunch of lies

Well, there it is... well, its mostly about how people think of me at schol. except now some of them are starting to learn the truth. that im not as put together as i seem, like beth prewett, she knows pretty much all of it.its all kinda well. it sometimes scares me. to see all of my sh it and where its leading me to. like how it all happens. and where ill end up. i dont even know if ill live to be 25. when i was 9 i was destined to a short life full of hard times. well, someone told my mom that and i should have killed myself by now so something isnt working right. or maybe. i dont know. lets see here i am almost 15 years old. i am... well, i cant say. i need to go to bed now, my grandma is gettin mad at me

Mood:  a-ok
Topic: announcement
i will not be on the computer for a while because i will not have internet until like i dont know so yeah

-rose

i dont wanna sleep
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: journal
I was told a while back that i might have borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. i have no clue what these are except the bipolar thing cuz i was on medication for it a while back i stopped taking it after UB got done well but anyways what the hell are these things i am confused i havent even told her the whole story!!! jesus christmas trees!!! am i really that messed up i took a few quizez i put some of them online the results that is yeah its all cool i didn't have school today yeah but its kinda and why. cuz somegirls dad died yeah but i didn't really like her though but i am sorry for her her dad died the same waymine did but at least she knows how he died and didn't just find out like a few months ago while her mom was screaming at her that it was all her fault i think of that day everyday because its all stuck in my memory every fucking day with my mom was hell. there was hardly any good days if there was the bad ones just drown em all out i am like really hyper from taking caffeine pills(my grandma said it was ok, but only one) so i could stay up and finish a paper for english and a 2 liter of mt. dew and im like halfway done but there is an extreme overload of caffeine i gotta go like run around outside but iccant cuz my grandma will get mad because i was outside after dark whatever shes mean anyway. i couldn't even go see my friend until 530 and by then she was leaving to go to her sisters house its alomst 11 and i am supposed to be sleeping now according to my grandma but i have to go now cuz hshes coming!!!

My test results
Mood:  special
Topic: journal

I took the "The Nine Muses" quiz on gURL.com
		My muse is... Calliope Calliope is the patron goddess of epic poetry. She is often depicted holding a writing tablet and wearing a golden crown, for she is the oldest of the muses and their leader. Her name means "The Fair Voiced," but Calliope inspires eloquence in writing. Read more... Who is your muse?

I took the "The Color Personality" quiz on gURL.com
		My personality is... green You're a stable green... According to color psychology, you're persistent and ambitious and could probably have the world in the palm of your hand if you wanted it badly enough. Read more... What color is your personality?

I took the "The Aura Color Personality" quiz on gURL.com
		My aura is... blue Are you blue? No worries--having a blue aura does not condemn one to a life of sorrow. But those with blue auras are some of the most emotional people on the planet. Blues are quite sensitive to other people's feelings... Read more... What color is your aura?

Mood:  not sure
Topic: journal
you know. i kinda feel okay. i had to deal with all the kids at school today... they are all evil. The school is doing a new unit on depression for the middle and high school. they kept messing with me because suposedly i matched all the symptoms and crap it all messed up. theyre calling me psycho and other things that are worse. they said that there was gonna be a school shooting there and i would be the shooter... its all messed up. i know i am like the social outcast and the only friend i have is this one girl courtney and she's in 10th grade so i don't talk to her as much as i usually do... she's dealing with all the crap i am too except people are just evil to her. i totaly got the wrong impression from this school... its all messed up tho. i have been talking to my friend theresa. she's cool. she lives just down the road from my aunts house. I'm all tired from staying up until 2 last nite. then waking up at 6. then i had a v/b game today and i didn't go becuz the stupid teacher wouldn't sign my progress report. yeah... i had to stay home. i missed out on mcdonalds but i did hand out w/ theresa for the whole afternoon until like 730 tonight. i am very tired but i can't sleep. its all weird i suppose i should shut my mouth...

My apology
Mood:  down
Topic: journal
i didn't realize how mad i was. i shouldnt have written half the stuff i did. i was like just mad at the world yesterday. i really didn't expect to write that much of what i thought sorry if i scared anyone... i don't really care about what i wrote it just the fact that i wrote it and especially on this thing i have here. it just kinda scares me. i just read over it. and im having a hard time getting the changes done and i feel like giving up.
anyways... give me a call or email me... you can reach me @ g_oodc_harlotte@yahoo.com or at my_chmcl_rmnce@hotmail.com. im on messenger on both of them soo...
-rose

more nonsense...
Mood:  not sure
Topic: journal
This is stupid. I can't believe I am even writing this right now, I can't believe anything anymore. Things are going nowhere , my life is going nowhere. Day after day, it's always the same thing. Day after day nothing seems to change. Where is this going to take me? I am putting on this sherade for everyone, I don't feel that anything has a meaning anymore, I don't feel anything good. My days are filled with laughter, smiles... excuses, deep breaths, and constant thoughts about things I really don't want to be thinking about. I feel like I am out of control of my life... like it is all planned out for me and I have no say in which direction I am heading. I break down into tears so much now but everything seems so perfect. Wat the hell is wrong with me? I seem to have the perfect life... but there is so much pressure , so many responsibilites, so many things to live up to. It's starting to seem pointless.I feel that I can’t even turn to my list of alternatives anymore. I am back looking for the “quick fix” and I feel that I have spiraled down the entire ladder I have built for myself. (Hell, maybe I even broke the ladder!) But deep down I know, broken ladders can be fixed and steps can be climbed again, one step at a time, with patience and persevearance. Unfortunately, I can’t find the motivation to take that first step, or pick up that first nail to hammer into the wood, instead of using it gor another purpose. I am so afraid of failure, so afraid of falling again.

Mood:  quizzical
Topic: poetry
Running away from what you feel,
There's nothing that can make your feelings reveal,
You're tired of faking, tired of this life.
All of your pain is expressed with a knife.
One last hope, one last time,
i your heart you confide
Looks like another teenage suicide.


I'm living in a broken home,
I know I will always be alone,
If I died, would you care?
Don't you understand you were never there?
Tonight I'm alone; I sit on my bed,
I hide my emotions deep in my head.
Would you care I would go away,
into a world without you everyday?
So tonight I leave you, I'm gone,
I'll be gone before the break of dawn.


There is so much pain, I cannot hide,
I just can't crouch behind my pride
Tears will come no matter what I do,
But I try to hide them, keep them out of view,
If they knew my weakness, I'd feel so bare,
I don't want them to know what's truly there,
I've always hid the way I feel,
But in the end I'll wish this wasn't real.


You hide your feelings, why are they even there?
They ruin you life, so why do you care?
You hide your emotions; you're scared of them too.
You hide them so well you don't know what to do,
Hidden beneath your smile,
You're crying all the while,
You're scared of them,
You don't like them,
You hate them,
You're sick of your life, you hate it,
You cry you heart out, you made it
You hate everything in your head,
You have this strange hunger, which needs to be fed,
You want to give up, so you do,
There's too many things between happiness and you.


Hated by the outside world,
There's nothing you can do,
Creating masks to fool,
the people around you.
Afraid of what the might think, you lie,
You'll lie and lie,
Until the day you die.


Hopeless and alone, I cry in fright,
I seem to hate each day and night,
Living each day, tired and afraid,
I don't know what to do, my life is made.
I sleep so calmly in my bed,
Horrible thoughts will fill my head.
I mile on the outside, but I'm lost inside
My true feelings will always hide.


I don't know which way to go,
My life is spinning out of control,
My heart is lost and cold,
I never do what I am told.
I hate my life, my feelings too,
I never know what to do.
Im dying to escape all of this.
I'll aim for escape, but I'll surely miss.
So I give up. I'll try another day,
I really don't care what they say.


Life is a game,
With all your pain,
You hate the lies,
As your father dies,
Who killed him and why?
He didn't deserve to die.
You didn't even know your dad,
So why are you even mad?
He hurt your mom, don't you care?
All I know is that life isn't fair
Filled up with sorrow, you don't know what to do
All that you hate is here too
All that is gone is your heart.
Your room becomes a mess, as you tear it apart
Giving up on life,
You just can't deal with all the strife
Give up and forget it anyway
You say this as you hide away.

Mood:  not sure
Topic: journal
my poetry is on hold for a while... i am too laxy to add more. i had it all on disks but i had to send them to the companies. i shoulda just put them up... anyways. i am bored and i asked my grandma if i could stay home tomorow and she just got mad at me for asking. she thinks im a stupid, naiive little kid. i cant believe her. like oh yeah im gonna get drunk just because i grew up in situations like that. sure. im gonna just go and sell my drugs while she's at work. just cuz she thinks im a psycho. sure. i have problems but nothing like you helped my mom create. you were worse. you know it... i just hate it though. she dosen't trust me she always thinks the worst cuz im already doing bad things. no. i at least try to be a good person i try! she was drinking everyweekend when my mom was growing up. my mom told about you what you used to do to her. how she always felt that she hated you. everything. she was telling a nine year old that she was gonna kill herself because she hated her daughter so much. she screamed it at me. and you wonder why im so messed up? you wonder. why dont you just shut up and leave me alone ill grow up. i know right from wrong!

Mood:  not sure
Topic: journal
well, im kinda bored. again. i went to bemidji and did laundry with my grandma. Then, i had to go dig through my storage and i couldn't find what i was looking for. im supposed to be in my room cleaning but im kinda sick of this place. i miss my mom and i am sad for my lil sis. she didn't even get to see mom. it was her birthday. im sitting here with music blasting not knowing what to do. my grandma is cooking now for my sisters birthday dinner. yeah. i know shes crabby cuz she wants to see her mom really bad. it sucks. yeah anyway. i am like trying to plot something so i can stay home tomorow. i really dont wanna go tomorow. i have to talk to that lady and then i have to deal with lindsey and alicia. yay more joy. and if you don't know what sarcasm is then you gotta get to know me... i know i wont be able to stay home tomorow. my grandma wont let me. its all messed up rite now. lets see here. yeah. i really dont have anything to ssay. im tired form being up half the night and waking up at six. i guess ill talk to you later.
-rose (and casper)

BINGE BY PAPA ROACHYou better put that down
You better put that down
All I need is a bottle, and I don't need no friends, no
Wallow in my pain, I swallow as I pretend
To act like I'm happy, when I drink till no end, no
I'm losing all my friends, I'm losing in the end
She says:
Behave, little boy, you better sit back down
Till you hold your ground
It's your turn to learn to fight
You better sit back down, till you hold your ground
When I'm sober, life bores me, so I get drunk again
I'm losing all my friends, I'm losing in the end
She says:
Behave, little boy, you better sit back down
Till you hold your ground
It's your turn to learn to fight
You better sit back down, till you hold your ground, yeah
You better sit back down
You better put that down
Put the bottle down, I am on a binge
Behave, little boy, you better sit back down
Till you hold your ground
It's your turn to learn to fight
You better sit back down, till you hold your ground, yeah
I am on a binge, I wish things would change
Wish they'd rearrange, I'm on a binge
I wish things would change, Wish they'd rearrange,
I am on a binge, I'm on a binge, yeah

I sat alone on my bed. i can hear my mom scream. i get so tired of all this. all the time its all shit. i hate it. i know if i don't come out she'll scream more so i leave the room cautiously. im wearing the same clothes from yesterday. i stare at the clock as i pass it. it is almost noon now. and its saturday. mom has already started drinking. "jesus christ" i mutter as i enter the room and smell the horrible stench of beer. there must be at least 30 bottles laying around the living room. i start to pick them up and she screams at me. i stop almost immediately. i slowly bring my gaze up to her eye level. i stare into her blood shot eyes. she screams at me and tells me to go to the store and get her more beer. she hands me a 50$ bill. i have no idea what to do. i grab it and ask her what to get. she tells me to get her something as long as i get the hell out of here. i walk down the hall way, trying to stifle my crying and check on my sister. she's in her room playing with her dolls. i tell her i have to go do something for mom. she says ok and i leave out the door.
I don't know where to go. i walk out and the sun is too bright for my sensitive eyes. and its too hot outside. i'm standing there in a sweater. i dont bother to take it off. I walk down the road. i finally come up to a gas station. i ask them where the beer is cuz i have to get it for my mom. they ask me where my mom is. i reply very sheepishly that she is at home. and i need to bring it to her. the lady was nice she kept me there for a half hour asking me questions. for all she knew is that i was a 10 year old trying to get beer for someone who may not even be my mom. she asks one of the other cashiers to cover for her as she brings me outside and tells me to go home and tell my mom to come back because i am too young to buy the beer. I didn't return with my mom.

Mood:  don't ask
Topic: journal
this is a quote one of my friends sent me. "what nourishes me also destroys me"

untitled
No one can hear your screams
They can't see the pain that's written all over your face
Or the tears that are streaming down your cheeks

Then you start to wonder if your just invisible.
They'll never understand why you push them away
You're only to afraid of hurting them or making them feel your pain.
You shouldn't be alive
So why are you?
You should be in hell being punished
Should you just end your life and spare others the pain and confusion?
Maybe later, but for now I'll just be and drown in my own tears and silent screams.


The Void

This open void stares through me
A glimmer of darkness striding forth
Into this place
An eternal place
Where thoughts are left to gather dust.

I sit in this silent moment
A sweeping change of impending prophecy
Rides across the sand and spirals
Into a storm of confusion.

This world is a mirror, it is not the
Whole
It is not the truth for my empty
Lonely, breathless soul.

The candle burns its endless tune
In a quiet of light that echoes life And yet, I feel lifeless
Without life
Without light.
I feel like the window looking out
To perpetual landscapes of
Inevitable choices and consequences.

I am a shadow flitting from place
To place, moment to moment
With no real roots to call
Home
I am a raindrop falling
Falling on an endless journey

I am the wall taken for granted that's crumbling inside

nothing
Mood:  lazy
Topic: journal
i am really bored right now. i am sitting here updating this everylike 2 minutes. i know it will probably just look retarded when i cant update it like this everyday. uhm today is blah. it raining and im actually wishing for sun. i went to the palace this morning to eat with my grandma and grandpa. my aunt and uncle. the one's im staying with got drunk last nite and we have to stay quiet so they can sleep... yeah. i am excited cuz i get to go to the back to campus next weekend. and i get to see people. yeah. uhm. i'm mad at everyone too not at UB but just in general. i think the music is kinda getting to me. i just feel like whatever. and it doesnt help that i dont want to go back to school on monday. people are making rude comments about something and i almost got into a fight yesterday at school. then theyre making me talk to the school counselor now cuz of what happened last year. even though its it still kinda happening. it sucks. i have to talk to her about my "feelings" its retarded. i am working on getting all my poetry on the web. not all of it just the stuff i care but not too much if people see.well iguess ill talk later. and i actually mean it this time. i hope
-rose(PS Casper loves You!)

life is a journey
like a path
theres some good places
and some bad
but where do you go?
you come up to a landing
theres a choice
a choice between two paths
you know which one is best
but the other is...
there isn't a word to describe it
you can feel it pulling you in
what do you do??
but its too late
your running down this... path...
searching?...
it keeps getting darker
and darker
your lost
you cant turn around
its too late


NOTHING
everytime
like seconds on a clock
it ticks by
and you will never see it again
losing second after second
not living
not in control
not antyhing
it's nothing
but why?
you see the opportunities pass by but yet you stand still
nothing
having all these chances
but nothing
are you afraid?
afraid to move on
afraid of what might happen
you just do nothing

all these times ive been here
all these times ive gotten lost
why do i keep returning
to a place without trust
i see the truth
it lies beneath
no one will guess my true feelings
i just wanna be free
i tried to show you my pain
you didn't even care
you started to scream
Bitch life isn't fair
the words hurt so much
i cried and cried alone
now im sitting here
forced to do it on my own
i know its made me stronger and now im in a better place
and i will always remember
the times we had together
on our special place

poetry 2
pain
its everywhere
the world
what is it?
why is it here?
questions.
endless questions
ruining everything
sometimes it hurts too much
all of the pressure
the pressure to do everything...
Perfect
an unrealistic word
so why is it the only word i know?
hiding the truth
the truth
my mom is/was an alcoholic
i had to take care of everything
all alone
my mom screaming yelling
not knowing what to do
confused
i started to express my pain
but in a twisted way
it confused me
and still i say why?

poetry1
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: poetry
coming out of the sea
new.
fresh.
reborn.
its confusing
poeple everywhere
judging you
you turn back
back to the sea
in fear
you go back
and begin to realize the shocking reality
it didnt cleanse you
you stare into the murky water
you see the cold hard eyes
and you start to wonder
what have i become?
you see the hatred
The fear.
The loneliness.
most of all you see your soul
its damaged.
it will never be the same
so what do you do?
live your life
or
give up?
the choice is up to you
be it good or not



life is a journey
like a path
theres good places
and some bad
but where do you go
you come to a landing
youll have to make a choice
or get nowhere
you know what choice is better
but the other one
theres not a word to describe it.
you can feel it pulling you in
what do you do?
but its too late
your running down the path
searching?
it keeps getting darker
and darker
you cant turn around
its too late