more nonsense...
Mood:  not sure
Topic: journal
This is stupid. I can't believe I am even writing this right now, I can't believe anything anymore. Things are going nowhere , my life is going nowhere. Day after day, it's always the same thing. Day after day nothing seems to change. Where is this going to take me? I am putting on this sherade for everyone, I don't feel that anything has a meaning anymore, I don't feel anything good. My days are filled with laughter, smiles... excuses, deep breaths, and constant thoughts about things I really don't want to be thinking about. I feel like I am out of control of my life... like it is all planned out for me and I have no say in which direction I am heading. I break down into tears so much now but everything seems so perfect. Wat the hell is wrong with me? I seem to have the perfect life... but there is so much pressure , so many responsibilites, so many things to live up to. It's starting to seem pointless.I feel that I can’t even turn to my list of alternatives anymore. I am back looking for the “quick fix” and I feel that I have spiraled down the entire ladder I have built for myself. (Hell, maybe I even broke the ladder!) But deep down I know, broken ladders can be fixed and steps can be climbed again, one step at a time, with patience and persevearance. Unfortunately, I can’t find the motivation to take that first step, or pick up that first nail to hammer into the wood, instead of using it gor another purpose. I am so afraid of failure, so afraid of falling again.