Mood:  don't ask
I am at 8 days! 8days no cutting thatnks to mr ritter.... but yeah cheyenne is acting really dumb. she is cuttinf too. and i dont know what tot do anmore.... i gotta go though. this is just to put something on here cuz i havent in a long time. its my personal journal.....

Mood:  don't ask
well i havent cut in three days but its hard. yeah i know i shouldnt at all. but whatever.
-rose

The Void

This open void stares through me
A glimmer of darkness striding forth
Into this place
An eternal place
Where thoughts are left to gather dust.

I sit in this silent moment
A sweeping change of impending prophecy
Rides across the sand and spirals
Into a storm of confusion.

This world is a mirror, it is not the
Whole
It is not the truth for my empty
Lonely, breathless soul.

The candle burns its endless tune
In a quiet of light that echoes life And yet, I feel lifeless
Without life
Without light.
I feel like the window looking out
To perpetual landscapes of
Inevitable choices and consequences.

I am a shadow flitting from place
To place, moment to moment
With no real roots to call
Home
I am a raindrop falling
Falling on an endless journey

I am the wall taken for granted that's crumbling inside

No one can hear your screams
They can't see the pain that's written all over your face
Or the tears that are streaming down your cheeks

Then you start to wonder if your just invisible.
They'll never understand why you push them away
You're only to afraid of hurting them or making them feel your pain.
You shouldn't be alive
So why are you?
You should be in hell being punished
Should you just end your life and spare others the pain and confusion?
Maybe later, but for now I'll just cut and drowned in my own tears and silent screams.

I don't know why i feel this way,
Feel this way inside
I can't get away
It follows me
follows me around.

Creeping slowly through the dark
I am screaming
Screaming for help
for someone to hold me
hold me close never to let go

Who will help me?
no-one wants to
who will hold me close?
I pushed them away
Now emptiness surrounds me
No-one can hear my screams

Its my own fault
for being me
why should i be alive?
all i do is hurt people
Hurt people and lie

No-one knows what i do
why i want to die
I feel so lonely
and even i don't know why
The shadows of my own hatered surround me
and they will
until i die

So many scares on such young skin
So much pain lies within
All the pain builds inside
All the tears you try to hide
You know it's not the right thing to do
But no one seems to understand you.
One more cut, not that deep
The blood will finally let you sleep
The calm has come after the storm
You are alive, the blood is warm
You know you must hide
And keep the shame you have inside
You wish there was some other way
You wish you knew the words to say
Fall apone deaf ears and unopened eyes
You aren't proud of what you do
You wish the whispers weren't about you.
Nobody seems to understand except the blade you hold in your hand.
You need proof that you are alive not cold and dead like you feel inside.
The hurt is so much and it will not fade,
It is your flesh that has paid
You pay for the pain, the shame, and the lies,
And feel the guilt when people speak your name
You just want someone to understand and tell you it will be okay, and hold your hand.
Not ignore the problem and hope it will pass,
Not say it's a phase or even a fad,
One more scare there's nothing to lose
You don't do it for them you do it for you
Do you still try to hide or make it known?
You live in a glass house do you cast the first stone?
You know some will call you insane and some will call you worse,
before you were your parent's dream now you are their curse.
You don't know how long you can hide behind the lies that you tell,
Being a klutz is hard but it hides the truth so well
How else do you explane the cuts, scrapes, burns, and broken bones?
You fall odwn stair or slip with a knife and sometimes you don't even know.
They don't see what they don't want to see, and you don't feel what you don't want to feel.
The pain may subside but it returns after the last cut heals.
Sometimes you wonder if you will run out of skin before you run out of pain
Or be able to stop it all before you go insane.
You know that you aren't trying to die, your acctually trying to live
Your not trying to take your life, it's life your trying to give.
Your trying to make people see the hurt you feel inside Trying to use your pain to open their eyes
You don't do this for fun or try to fit in Your making external the hell within.

This is stupid. I can't believe I am even writing this right now, I can't believe anything anymore. Things are going nowhere , my life is going nowhere. Day after day, it's always the same thing. Day after day nothing seems to change. Where is this going to take me? I am putting on this sherade for everyone, I don't feel that anything has a meaning anymore, I don't feel anything good. My days are filled with laughter, smiles... excuses, deep breaths, and constant thoughts about things I really don't want to be thinking about. I feel like I am out of control of my life... like it is all planned out for me and I have no say in which direction I am heading. I break down into tears so much now but everything seems so perfect. Wat the hell is wrong with me? I seem to have the perfect life... but there is so much pressure , so many responsibilites, so many things to live up to. It's starting to seem pointless.



I don't know what is going on inside my head anymore. I have been really good... haven't cut in a couple of days... really the only thing that is stopping me is the scars that I will acquire... which is weird because that has never really bothered me before.


Sometimes I don't understand why I try so hard. I got my first good report card in school in like three years (90% average) and then I stop trying. I stop going to class, I stop caring. What the hell is going on in my head? I have been screwing everything up so much lately, and I am trying to help everyone else with their problems, because they make more sense to me... unlike what I am going through I can see it at a rational level... I get to find out if I have a brain tumour tomorrow... wonderful (wow, that was really random!) It's probably nothing, I am a bit of a hypochondriac!
Work is really fucking me over, my boss is mad at me and she's isn't a very nice person to begin with. I guess I am going to stop complaining... so much shit is going down, that it doesn't even feel that it is worth explaining anymore... I just want to go out and get stoned so at least then I won't cut my arms up. (goddamn random arm checks...) More later...

Today is the day that marks three years since the first time that I remember cutting. I can pick out the exact scar on my arm, can remember wondering if I needed stitches and if I did, what I would say to my mom. I don't remember cutting before that, although I know I did, because I have flashes of images in my mind, of wrapping my arm in paper towel and explaining why I was wearing a long sleeve shirt in the summer. 3 years... that's a really long time. wow.