Hey everyone, well here you are at my poetry page. I've been writing poetry for many years but as you will find out there is no specific process I go through. I just write, basically free style. Enjoy.
December 15th, 2005
Demon
It has been twenty-four hours
since I ripped my heart out
and watched it struggle to survive as I
deny my feelings for you.
Now my heart sits, raw and broken,
pounding in my ears.
The sweet beat of anguish.
I feel numb.
I've been staring at your pictures
but I can't remember your face.
You call me up while you drive
from state to state, searching for your
destination, the wrong place
you'll now call home.
I don't recognize the man inside
I don't know your tones
I don't understand your emotions.
It is like I don't know who you are anymore.
Perhaps it is because I don't know who are to me now.
How can I blame you though? I can't.
It was me, not you, who casted our love aside
I want to scream at you to make you understand why.
I want things back the way they were....
so much in love, naive, you high on your feelings
me struggling to survive the emotions, hiding the pain inside.
I thought I could tell you anything
Now all I can say is 'hi' and then silence
as I wonder how long it'll take you till you end me for good.
You say you'll wait
that you'll live in solice
giving me space to discover my demons
But baby, I'm just wondering
how much time I have left with you
until you discover the demons
are me.
July 31st, 2005
As Is
When I said "I'll take it"
I meant As Is.
Just give it up and
admit yourself to me,
all your darkness,
and secrets, I think
you'll find yourself in good company.
I don't have any allusions
about you anymore, you can't hide
the truth in your words when I'm around.
So say something to me now,
make my heart slam against my cheast,
make my mind stop,
make my breath halt in time.
Make me yours.
If this isn't love then
I have no clue what love is.
July 31st, 2005
Am I?
I can sense myself
drifting from this man.
He proclaims his love
but still I don't believe.
There's something inside myself
that is afraid of being happy.
Do I believe in the concept
of true love?
Does it exsist in my heart?
Am I capable of loving you?
Of loving all your faults,
all your misconseptions about me?
Am I capable of this thing called love?
April 1st, 2005
One Week
My mind is not something that I fully understand so how can I make him understand me?
I want to go back and erase his face
from my mind...his sounds...his thoughts
His destructive power and loving ways.
I wish I didn't know he exsisted.
It was only a week
but what power a week can hold.
I let him go before I tasted him without his skin
before I gave him a chance to explore my scars, to know the true beauty I am.
I let him go out of foolishness and uncertanity...
I don't know how he got in...my head...my heart...my thoughts
One week...seven days.... I couldn't hold on to the power of my love...
What is it about me...that allows me to destroy everything rather then embracing it.
I don't know..if I did, I would run to him
and beg his forgiveness and heal the hurt that I caused
This beautiful stranger...I willed him away...and have no one to blame for the hurt but myself.
My one week of bliss.
Destroyed.
February 14th, 2005
There You Go
There you go again
Talking shit, like you know
Saying this and that
Without real feelings
Oh how easy is it for you?
To pretend
To forget, to push away?
I remember the day, you went away
It was the day, I found myself again
There you go again
Wanting back in my life
How easily you forget
How easy is this for you?
The day you went away
Was the day, I found everything won't be the same
Oh the day you went away
I will never be the same.
August 20th, 2004
Numb
My emotions are numb
I wish I could feel more
then this cloud of nothingness.
Tears stream down my face
but my heart doesn't tell me
anything, it just aches.
I moved and changed my life
for the better, but I'm just
stagnet waiting for life to begin again.
I remember how it used to be
so happy and so in love I thought
Only to be brought back to reality
with each day he wasn't here for me.
I can't even desipher feelings
from thoughts.
I can't recognize happy from sad
and my days run into each other
I'll go out again tonight
surround myself with people I don't know
Perhaps something will change
perhaps I'll feel more then numb.
June 20th, 2004
Pain
I used to bite my knuckles
until I tasted the sweet sour of blood.
I never meant to make myself bleed.
I just liked the sound of my knuckles
cracking against my teeth.
I used to pull my hair out
one strand at a time.
Sometimes my scalp would ache
and the pain would bring shivers down my back.
I used to slice my skin
and watch the blood drip away
as if my bottled up emotions
were dissapearing.
I used to take drugs
as if they were my only
freedom, my only true taste
of happyness.
I do none of these self-harming
things anymore and now I sit
and I don't know what to do
with myself.
September 28th, 2003
Lost
I wrote you this poem to tell you.
I do not want to be an open vessel
whose only function it is to be filled
with your seed, until my conciousness
can return and I can open my eyes again.
You love me with all the originality
of some romance novel, where the manly man
tames the free spirit into some lucious flower
who may only bloom in his garden.
I want to slice my heart away from your side
while it is still in intact
and is not poisoned by
our resentments.
I want to carve my teardrops in your belly
and we shall stand still and be amazed at the
secretive beauty of these two hearts departing
and bask in the memories one last time.
Disarm your tongue of its daggers and be still
I shall not act with the cruelty and lack of self
you seem to think I'm capable of. I shall simply
walk away and leave you with your words, flapping
in the wind and blowing back in your face.
September 2nd, 2003
09/02/’03 2:12 am ( my mistake )
I must confess, I feel like such an idiot
whenever I’m thinking
about you.
I know that you’ve moved
on and so have I,
but sometimes I just dream of us.
And I want to scream "marry me"
and I want to jump in your arms
and it’ll feel like home,
right where I belong.
Now you’re with other girls
and I’m with other guys
yet I’m still searching
for the way you made me feel.
I don’t have much time
for this, ‘cause it’s not
the way it’s supposed to be.
Yet I wonder if she knows
you like I do, and if she
knows what to say when
you’re on the verge of breaking.
I wonder if she makes you laugh
and smile like I did,
and most of all I hope she makes you
happy like I couldn’t do.
I know this was my choice
but right now, all I want
to hear is your voice.
August 30th, 2003
Sixteen
Who’s to say he’s not my own.
He’s like my secret wish.
He’s just another version
Of my many desires.
I know he’s all I’ve
Ever loved since the
Age of sixteen.
And now that I’m free
I hope to see
That all he ever does
Is walk alone
And look inside.
He don’t look
To see me dancing behind him
Twirling around and laughing.
Who’s to say I wasn’t naïve.
He was my deepest friend
He’s just another love
That I still dream about.
I know he’s all I
Ever loved since the
Age of sixteen.
And now that I’m free
I know that
He doesn’t make me whole
And he doesn’t make me
Who I am.
And I will always dance
Twirling around and laughing.
July 27th, 2003
I hate....
I hate being your therapist that will always ask you those questions that when you answer...you...yourself have found your true feelings.
I hate being that voice you always turn too..to hear your worth...you need it find it in yourself...your self-doubt and insecurities come from outside and not within.
I hate the fact that your going to think this poem is about you...and not me...finding out my true feelings about my role towards you.
I hate the fact that we both throw around the word love...as if our feelings could excuse our behaviors.
I hate being exactly how you want me to be...I'd rather exist..as is..my thoughts are persecuting your opinon about me.
I hate the fact that we both take each other for granted....pushing each other towards our greatest enemy..lonlyness.
I hate the fact that our pasts have taught us to doubt.....we've become everything we thought we weren't.
I hate the fact that I had to get my heart ripped out to finally realize what your love is suppossed to feel like.
I hate the fact that our situation was all to familiar to me...like a role I used to act out in your play.
I hate the fact that I'll have to beg somewhere else for my affrimations...funny how what you say has me going away.
I hate the fact that sometimes I'd hold on too afraid to let go....I couldn't always speak my mind for fear of your responce.
I hate the fact that I can't trust you....you knew your lies would break us...yet you lied anyway.
I hate the fact that you'd change this if you could...but history repeats itself with you.
I hate the way your voice became a part of me...I had to become reborn for your voice to drift away.
I hate that I'm always the 'wrong' one to you...but when I simply mirror your beliefs, you're oblivious to the reasons.
I hate that I'm afraid of my silence......and silence is the hardest thing to hear in my mind.
I hate the fact that I wasn't noticed when I fell off your cloud......I couldn't pick myself up alone.
I hate the fact that this is my only therapy....and I can't articulate myself in words.
June 11th, 2003
On My Own
Just two months from
the rest of my life
I said “ I’ve played this
game far too long, if I
don’t end this I’m gonna
fade away.”
I opened the door to my
freedom and saw myself
waiting patiently with
starry eyes.
I took a deep breath
and followed the familiar
footsteps.
I thought about singing
but I didn’t know
the words.
Sometimes I get so
scared, I’ve never
been free from this guilt
before.
I’ve never lived my life
with all my pieces at play
Together before now.
It’s all so new and raw to me.
I feel like a baby
learning how to walk
on her unsteady feet.
I feel real……..
it’s been so long
I’m gonna make it….
for the first time….
on my own…..
My god it feels so good….
on my own.
July 1st, 2003
Midnight
It’s midnight,
I wonder where you are.
It’s midnight,
I wonder who you’re talking too.
It’s midnight,
I wonder if you’re asleep yet.
I’m feeling a little left out
I feel like my existence
Is irrelevant to you.
Oh my, what’s a girl to do?
My love’s been left out in the cold
My hearts getting too used to this.
My tomorrows are turning into
yesterdays and each minute
that passes feel like one more
mile away from you.
Maybe I should have loved
you better, maybe you should
have loved me more.
And now I’m at a crossroad
yes, it’s boiled down to this
and it can’t be healed with sweet apologies.
I used to feel so close
Now I feel so alone.
It’s midnight,
I wonder if you realize
I’ve just said my last good-byes.
June 16th, 2003
Brief Moment
He sat there like a photograph
We shared a brief moment
It was just one of those days.
He asked me for a light
And if I was from around here.
We grew out of the small talk
Into stuff that strangers just don’t say.
We sat in his house
As the rain fell outside.
I said, “I think I need your responses”
He said, “I’m not that special you know”
Perhaps it was his lack of self
That I was guarded against
I told him I don’t think I could
Wait for anyone to care anymore
He said well we’ve been
Waiting for love for a really long time.
He gave me his smile
And I looked underneath at his scars
The chair was cold against my thighs
I grew incredibly aware of my surroundings
We decided that our anger would
Grow calm as we grow old.
He just sat there like a photograph.
And gazed at me like I was just
Another one of his deals.
~ Borrowed a couple phrases from Ani ~
June 8th, 2003
Wasting Our Time
I’m just a waste of his energy
He’s just a waste of my love
And please don’t think you know
Me like the back of your hand
For there would be no more
Learning for you tonight
Please stop caring about what
Everyone else thinks
It’s a waste of your time
Care what you think
Learn what you like
I’m just a waste of his kisses
He’s just a waste of my thoughts
And please erase all the memories
For I’m all consumed with the pain
Oh I’m just a waste of his money
He’s just a waste of my dreams
And I’m just waiting for the summer time
So I can hitch a ride away from him
Away from the excuses like “ you made me”
I’ll be two thousand miles away
And that’s all right, that’s good for me.
‘Cause
I’m just a waste of his time
He’s just a waste of my songs.
But oh wasting time is so natural between him and I.
He’s never met anyone like me before
And if he did he’d be wondering where I am.
May 29th, 2003
Tired
I've got many reasons
but I can't think of a single one
that justifies leaving.
I think I've got alot of problems
but perhaps I just have too much
time to waste.
I know you say it's 'all right'
and I'll make it up to you in the end
Well I know you know it's not right
please there is no use in lying.
But I know somethings you don't
I'm so tired of trying.
It seems to me, I'm just to lazy
to figure this one out.
No ones standing in my way
but I feel you know so much more.
I know when you go for a drive
your trying to figure me out.
Perhaps I should borrow your car
maybe it'll help me figure myself out.
I'm so tired of trying,
so don't tell me I don't fight.
Often times I'm just too conflicted
to explain my thoughts.
I know you usually think I'm hiding
maybe your just hiding from the truth.
I know I'm so tired.
It seems to me that love isn't the answer
for our problems.
I know you love the sunrise
I no longer see you as fragile.
I know I prefer the sunset
and maybe I'm not so fragile either.
May 2nd, 2003
Finally Free
You say I push you all the time
That I mock the love you have for me.
You say that I’m too sensitive
That I ought to let my feelings go.
You say that I’m always pretending
That I act out a fantasy daily.
You say I never tell you ‘I love you’
That you need to hear it to believe.
You say that I ought to trust you
That when you call from her house it doesn’t mean anything.
You say that you only kissed her lips
That I should understand it was a one time thing.
I say my mind has grown tired
Of your hunger.
Of your quiet thoughts
Of your unexplainable excuses
I feel that if I stay here one more night
I will die or explode or worse yet just fade away…….
I’m twenty-one years old, now that’s not the end
But believe me it’s sure not where I began.
I’ve heard it all, been called every name in the book
There’s nothing you can say to break me
You may bruise me, believe that I am naïve
But the truth is far from your lips.
You think it makes me sad, it doesn’t hurt me much
It does not mean anything, I am kissing him tonight
I don’t get sad, I don’t get blue, I don’t eat alone wishing
I was eating with you.
I don’t sit at home and stare at the pictures wishing
You were still here
In fact I feel like celebrating…….I am finally free.
May 1st, 2003
My Love Poem
Come to me swiftly and surely
Bring me to my knees
This night is so lonely
I’ve been distent from your arms too long
Your face is so lovely
It keeps me strong
My touch is unsteady
Just tell me, that I’m never alone
Lay with me, hold me tightly
I’ll be with you baby for as long as I breathe.
Let the moon be your light source
Place those lilies in my hair
Lay me out on the hood of your car
It’ll be ok
Trust me enough I'll explore
All your scars
Your lips have been apart from mine long enough
I’ll be with you baby for as long as I breathe.
April 28th, 2003
My Sanctuary
I have this sanctuary full of poems
Words written only because I can not
Fully express myself through conversations
Wish I could pull a poem out
Whenever you come near
Got a head full of thoughts and reasons
But too bad for my tongue which always
Sticks to the roof of my mouth
Whenever your around.
I want to pick you a bouquet of poems
and place them outside your door
You’d arise to find my emotions
Creeping through your veins.
I just follow my poems around
till they attach themselves to someone’s heart
I appreciate their tears but I only wish for
Your existence in my life.
Seems like I’m starving for your approval or
Perhaps a recognition of who I am to you.
If it wasn’t for my brain I’d have some
Answers for you.
Too bad for my brain ‘cause I’d
Like some answers too.
April 20th, 2003
Passing Time
Talked to your brother today
He said you could be found in Kentucky.
I imagine you riding a magnificent beast
Cutting through the sunset on
Some green rolling field, throwing
Your head back, smiling.
I imagine that you sleep in the fields
Leaning back and lying on the grass
Looking for some answers while
The clouds go rushing by.
The last time I saw you
You looked liked a photograph taken
From really far away.
You dreamt of the mountains
Your eyes glazed and went far away.
You’ve always known there was something
More, there was this hunger in your belly,
Telling you that you will survive.
While I’m just passing time, waiting
For the moment when my heart awakens
From this restless sleep.
April 18th, 2003
There Was Once A Man
There was once a man
With long blonde hair
He spoke of truths
He spoke of new things
To my ears.
There was once a man
Whom I longed to
Learn from, his grace
Made me hang my head in shame
For I was sure he would notice
My unsteady hands.
There was once a man
Who taught me to reach
Within for my own voice
He was my mentor
In the twilight hours.
There was once a man
Who promised to love
Me forever, he brought
Me flowers to wear
In my hair.
There was once a man
That used my innocence
To his advantage
He knew I would
Believe his every word.
There was once a man
That would slip away in the night
With no remorse or answers
Well I slept quite contently
Studying his lips in my dreams
There was once a man
Who I considered to be
My true love, to only
Learn that love is not a
Feeling but a behavior.
Letters
My letters to you
Consist of nothingness
Words filling up space
For it is not proper to send
A one-page letter.
I write of my routines
As I write my surface self
Rolls onto the pages
I used to unwrap you!
Savoring each new
Moment in my mouth
Drinking down your
Thoughts as if my thirst
Was never satisfied.
Now we speak of long hours,
Of work, of mindless gossip
We speak of the old days
Always forgetting why we hold
Each other far away
As if we were to touch it would break us
What ever happened to the sleepless nights
The morning glories, jumping in the car
Never knowing where we’d end up
Oh what ever happened to our youthfulness full of ideas and wonder?
April 13th, 2003
Angry Anymore
I dreamt about him last night
We fell asleep listening to the ocean
I slept on his bony shoulder
I could feel his breath on my cheek
He had tears in his eyes
When he took my hand
He apologized for all his wrong doings
Growing up it was just him and I
As each year goes by I understand
How he must have felt
I’m not angry anymore
He taught me how to wage a war within my soul
I just want to walk through my life unharmed’
I just want you to understand
I’m not angry anymore
I think I understand why you left me again and again
You were to scared of what we had
It’s not every day you find someone just like yourself
I’ve giving this a lot of thought to the nights we used to have
Your silence would hold more meaning then the words
You pronounced so carefully
Your eyes would haunt me
But they wouldn’t tear me apart
That’s ok ‘cause it was great sex
I just want you to understand
I’m not angry anymore
I’m not angry anymore
April 12th,2003
Hard
I went and read your letters today
I tried to find the answers
Written between the lies
The paper smelt like how you tasted
You were my free spirited knight
Riding to my heart on your words of anguish and wisdom
Your poetry used to make my soul dance
I used to believe every word that fell from your beautiful mouth
I used to believe that you actually wanted me
I knew every inch of your body
I would trace your scars with my eyelashes
Your lips would determine my fate
You left me here with my hands tied behind your walls
My hearts been threaded to your thoughtlessness
Dragging behind your promises
Your mind was brilliantly ideologistic
You would only believe in things you found out yourself
The past would haunt you so I would kiss away your fears
I would listen to your pain for hours
I’d bend every way trying to protect you
I’d scream the answers but your walls were soundproof
I want to take back my kisses and poetry
This time when you come around
I won’t listen to your promises
I won’t let you trample my dreams.
This time I’ll be my own best friend
No one ever said it would be this hard.
April 6th, 2003
Untitled
Old men trying to recapture their youth by
Checking out my 21 year old breasts
The media tells them I’m more attractive
Then their wife’s back home
I was raised a preachers daughter
I’m to far from my roots
All alone in my world
Trying to figure out who I am
My daddy used to drive a motorcycle
We used to ride in the back letting the wind fondle our skin
Now he drives a station wagon, that speaks for itself.
This preacher’s daughter has made more then a few mistakes
I was once a girl who believed that everyone had good in them
Now I think we all were direvied from sin
I kept journals of all my days
It doesn’t make me feel that good
As if to only remind me that everything is temporary
If you give it enough time
I’m trying to listen to the wind speak
Trying to steal wisdom from the old
Trying to figure out who I am
A helper, a bad cook, perhaps a good wife
I’ve fallen in love more then a few times
I’ve learned so many lessons from past lovers
But I’ve got nothing to show for it now
I sleep in bed alone at night listening to the rain
Trickle down my windows
Wishing that I was lying in a field
Watching the rain fall from your eyelids
I’m a preacher’s daughter
On Christmas we would go feed the poor
I was raised on the lessons of forgiveness and gentleness
I’m trying to figure out why the world
Disagrees.
That’s all right, that’s ok
Never trusted what the world said anyway.
I was raised in the public school system
Which taught me that grades would
Determine if I was smart or not
It didn’t allow me to explore my differences.
I moved 15 times by the time I was 14
I guess that’s why I’m not scared
To travel the world to follow my true love.
Home is where you want it to be.
I’m trying to live my life by my own rules
Trying to live my days to the fullest
Trying to create happiness by myself
In a society which promotes co-dependence
I used to have dreams about world-peace
Now I know that it starts in your own life
One by one.
I was 11 and he was much older
He took something from me
I couldn’t comprehend
I used to blame everyone but him
It was a gradual process
But change is terrifying at first
Changing old habits, changing yourself
No longer what they wanted u to be
Everyone always says I’m too sensitive
At least I never mean to hurt people
Yes it’s true, I’m too sensitive
But don’t intend on sacrificing my innocence for your satisfaction.
If I stayed caring what the world said
I would have died
I’m just a girl
Trying to figure out who I am
By looking inside and paying attention
To the in-between moments we all pass by.
March 28th, 2003
Friendship (to Jewel
When you find yourself
falling down
Your eyes are swollen with tears
and your hearts crushed by someone elses words
When you find yourself
looking everywhere but inside
When you find yourself
waking up to complete darkness
When your talking only to hear your voice
When your words trail off and evaporate
into the starless voids
When you open your eyes
but all you see is the past
Know that I am here.
Please know that I am here.
March 28th, 2003
Thoughts
I have this mind
that travels at the speed of light
I can never slow it down
in time to say what I mean
The only time anything makes sence
is in the twilight hours
when I'm with you.
I have this heart
that's never been fully open
I've always made halfass promises
I've never had a crazy love
that makes me weak in the knees
until I met you.
I have this soul
that wanders between time and truth
The essence can be found in my silence
Lets chase down the waves of our history
and complete the future with our kisses
I have these hands
that long to trace my dreams on your skin
I have these thoughts
consumed with your memory
I have these thoughts
consumed with you
March 2nd, 2003
Let Me
I always find myself dissapointed when you come near.
I guess I've built you up and the only for you to go is
d
o
w
n
You've left me with nothing but I've worked with less
When I say you've kept me 'caged and waiting'
the translation is 'I love you but its no fun anymore'
Now don't be offended
you should be honoured
I don't use the word love
without meaning.
We are both artists
who suck each other dry
till we thrash around
like fish on the dry shore
Just stay where you are
don't come any closer, please.
Let me reach out when I'm lonely
be the positive words for my tongue
of negativity
Let me escape into your dreams and I'll forget
the fact that this will never work out; as is.
Let me live in my version of reality
don't ask me to be your cookie cutter girl.
Let me be me.....
a fiery hurricane
a whisper in the dark
the demon and angel wraped into one
Let me.....ask for your permission again....wow your pedistal is so very tall.
February 28th, 2003
My Breakup Song
I think that your mind is something I understand
I've mapped the constilations of your body in my hands
I've marked my territory with the tears I've shed.
I've got everything I wanted and still I want more
You walked through my walls like a ghost in my dreams
I've just got a few things to say.
Your never around when I'm in need
Your lack of attention creates shadows above your words
Sweet Baby, speak to me under the moon and I'll reach up and pull out the truth.
Weeks pass by before I hear from you, then all I'm left with is excuses and reasons that I can not fathom
Your lack of ambition creates ambiguity within my thoughts
I keep trying to let you in and let you know but your shutting me out
Now you see me
Now you dont.
Your left with your questions, just look inside and see the truth
Find what you must in this chaotic world sweet baby, travel until you find yourself but I'm not gonna be around for the discovery.
Sweet Baby, goodnight.
February 10th, 2003
War
I don't believe war is the answer
and I don't like to think love is like war
but baby between you and me I always have my guns drawn
Remember back when things were new and not so fragile?
We told each other every thought and desire
I let you into me and believed you held my key
Only to disover without your mask, you weren't who you said you were
I let you back time and time again
and each time new walls would shut me out
from every touching you or holding you
without your skin
We would fight and point our dirty fingers
as if we believed we ourselves were saints
You were always the perfect solider declaring the proclimation of love
I'd run to soon surrender to your beliefs
to only be shot at once again.
Now you sit there with no more bullets
or perhaps I'm out of your range
and there you go again telling me
all my faults when they only mirror your own.
I can't tell you all the answers
but I can tell you I am not who
you want me to be
So go ahead and tell me how I
fucked you up and give me more
mixed messages and try to capture
me to your side
'cuz baby I've been there
and I don't think your grass is greener
I don't like your ammunition
I don't like your
w
a
r
Week of December 16th
No Room Left
Today my eyes are puffy
I smell like shit
I always talk way too fast
I bounce like a little girl
Yet he falls at my feet
I wonder if he wants to know my brain
Or does he want down my pants
Is he desperate or
Does he just want to talk?
So I give him the time of day
I tell him I'm still high from last night
He whispers "So am I."
I wonder if he's like all the rest,
can I bond with him over drugs
and fall for his sweet kisses
till I wake up from this dream
and leave him with all the rest
He talks about Monet
and I pretend I don't know
Then I tell him the truth
about the lies he has heard
about this master of art
He leans in for the kill
and tells me my mind is brilliantly beautiful
I think about letting him into my world
Then I realize I have no room left
So I excuse myself with a kiss on his cheek
and leave this magnificant beautiful stranger
to ponder over what went wrong.
There's just no room left
I don't have the strength to withstand
the power and pull of my love
There's just no room left for my beautiful stranger
Hurt
I do all the
things you are
not suppossed to do.
I pass up love
all the time
I'm hurt
just like you
All I Want
His eyes will tear up
when he describes
his love for me.
He'll play guitar
like a rock star
falling on his back
and screaming his words.
(even when he knows I'm watching.)
His touch will
be gentle like
the summer breeze.
He'll tickle my
back till I fall
asleep on his cheast.
He'll kiss my
eyelids when I cry
and hold me tight.
When we fight
he won't let his anger
overcome his feelings.
He'll call me beautiful and mean it.
He'll listen to my
ideas and philosophies
and actually have
something ideological to say
He'll enjoy driving
to some secluded place
just to listen to the wind
and stare up at the wonders of the world
He'll smoke up with me
and take me all night.
He doesn't have to
agree or even believe
He doesn't have to perfect
He just has to be real.
When we make love
and I cry, he'll
kiss me and tell
me I'm his one and only.
He'll understand that
sometimes my mind
travels to distant lands and
I can't smile for hours.
He'll understand that
sometimes I don't say what I mean.
He'll love me even though......
Sometimes I laugh at nothing at all
I dance funny and I hog the sheets
Sometimes I smoke to much weed
and I'm high for days.
Sometimes I get really serious
and I demand to be heard.
He'll love me for all my faults and idiosyncrasies
He'll kiss me and know
that doesn't mean it has to lead to sex.
(Although with me it probably will.)
He'll trust me
enough to tell me
all his fears.
And if some unthinkable day comes
when we fall out of love
we'll know we did
everything we could
Do you think
I ask to much?
Week of December 8th
My Version of Love
Don’t tell me you love me when you don’t
Don’t tell me you care when you could actually care less.
Don’t promise me the world if all you can give is a quarter of yourself.
It’s astonishing to me how some people can tell you they love you
But the moment it gets hard they push and run away.
Baby, that’s not love.
Love is endless through time, it can break through any barriers you put up if only you would of let me in, fully in, not just parts of your soul….your whole soul….I would of stayed with you for eternity, our hearts could of raced together in the skys and the whole world would fall in love with night just to catch a glimpse of us.
Amazing
I saw a boy that looked like you today
or mabye just somethng about him made me think of you
his friends were really rowdy, and he just sat there with a smile
I couldnt' help but think that's something you would do
he had really deep eyes, kinda like your baby blues
and part of me wanted to talk to him
so mabye i'd feel closer to you
I caught him toss a look my way
he turned away as I glanced at him
rosiness painted his cheeks
and I thought about how you'd blush
at the slighest attention
or mention of beauty
never knowing how beautiful you were
or how my attention could never be wasted on anything else
he made me miss you
but, in a painless way - just brought back the good memories
and i wanted to call you and tell you how much I miss you
and what you mean, and have always meant to me
and how you changed my pathatic little world
but I knew your beauty would want nothing more to do with me
so I stared at this clueless stranger
almost tempted to wander over
and strike up a conversation
just to let him know that he is amazing
'cause I often wonder if I ever got that point across to you
Week of December 1st
Song
I feel in love
The first night
When our hearts met
And our spirits raced
Nothing ever lasts in this life
So it ends there
And I’m sitting here
A bottle of wine in one hand
And a cigarette in the other
The only thing on my body
Is a perception from you
So maybe I’m not a dreamer
But I’m to realistic
To ask myself that
Maybe you weren’t looking at me
But at the fantasy behind my shoulder
With this bottle of wine in one hand
And a cigarette in the other
The only thing on my body
Is a perception from you
Some perception from you
It’s so cold where I’m sitting
It just seems so warm out there
The emotions are just pouring through
But I can’t tell between you and I
With this bottle of wine in one hand
And a cigarette in the other
The only thing on my body
Is a perception from you
Some damn perception from you.
~pieced from me and a lennon morgan song~
No Name
*At night when you're asleep self-hatred's gonna creep in ~ you can blame it on the devil the one who's bed you sleep in ~ don't tell me what they did to you as though you had no choice ~ wasn't that your voice? ~ if you don't live what you talk about your mirror is going to find out ~ don't fool yourself into thinking things are simple ~ why do you try to hold on too what you'll never get a hold of ~ stop trying to understand and just accept ~ too much is how I love you ~ to well is how I know you ~ I would like to state though, I did everything I could do ~ But if you tell me 'go' and mean it then I will, and I did ~ I know I can't change the whole fucking world ~ But I will be the one that got away. *
*pieced together from Ani Difranco songs*
Leaving
youth is beauty, money is beauty, hell, beauty is beauty sometimes. it's the luck of the draw, it's the natural law, it's a joke, it's a crime. i was bored. you were bored, it was a meeting of the minds. now it's three in the afternoon, and i can't leave too soon, saying thank you, i had a nice time. maybe i'll live my whole life, just getting by. maybe i'll be discovered, maybe i'll be colonized. you could try to train me like a pet. you could try to teach me to behave. but i'll tell you, if i haven't learned it yet you know, i ain't gonna sit, i ain't gonna stay.
My Professor
Week of November 17th, 2002
I sit here because that's what I'm suppossed to do.
You're an asshole but I'm getting used to you.
You move on issues to fast, like you don't care.
Perhaps you're sick of the little minds trying to kiss your ass.
For all you talk about, you hardly say anything new to me.
I get nervous around you and when I get called on I stutter.
Nothing comes out right and I'm beginning not to care.
I am amused at my fright over you, 'cause in reality you are just a speck.
A speck on my walk of life to my piece of paper that says I can get paid for doing what I've done all along.
But I still am pondering about my behaviors concerning you 'cause it's unlike me.
I realize you remind of me of my father.
Unapproachable
Except my father cares.
You remind me of his annoyence of my views on life.
I wonder if I dissapoint him like I dissapoint myself in your class.
I think I'll let this go now 'cause I'm getting used to you.
I'll never let my soul become silent over you.
I fight for what I feel.
I fight for what is right.
Someone Once
Week of November 11th, 2002
Someone once called me the devil
So I pondered that observation
until my head was about to snap.
Someone once told me that my smile was infectious
so I smiled some more.
Someone once called me beautiful and I prayed
they were talking about my insides.
Someone once told me to follow my dreams
now I never think I can't.
Someone once promised me they would love me
till the end of time, well promises are
broken every day.
Someone once called me hunny bunny
now when I see bunnies I laugh.
Someone once asked me to be thier wife
three months later I was reading thier suicide letter.
Someone once told me I burn with compassion
for the less fourtunate, I now offer my life
to healing.
Someone once asked me to become someone else.
Someone once controlled my thoughts.....someone once...........was me.
Week of November 4th, 2002
Please Don’t
Please don’t come back into my life and pretend.
Don’t pretend everything is ok and is going to work out.
Please don’t pretend that the past doesn’t affect you.
Don’t pretend that you’re my rock
Your façade has always been clear to me
Please don’t take me out and walk side by side
As if one of us doesn’t follow the other
Please don’t wipe away my tears
Like you don’t know why I’m crying
‘Cause I got no allusions about you
So please don’t pretend you’ve got my heart
When you don’t even know your own.
Jumbled Thoughts About You
Week of October 27th
You always got those memories between us when we talk.
The parties over, you wanna go for a walk?
You always say ‘hi’ with a long sigh.
I flash a smile and whisper ‘bye’
I tell you I feel like a fallen angel
Doomed to live in this oppressive world
You raise your eyebrows, light up and lick your lips
‘That’s my girl’, you exhale.
Am I that predictable, are my behaviors and thoughts old news?
I ask
You kiss me and hold my gaze
“Shhh baby don’t” you drown my doubts.
Last night consisted of me matching your breathing
So I would feel in unison with you.
You make love to me like it’s our last time
Every time.
I’ve seen you in tears
With the mention of my last years
I know your body like I know my disease
I wince at its breathtaking wonder, I am afraid but welcome it home
My dreams are of your whispers
And the way you brush my hair.
I find myself thinking, if I could
I’d offer you my heart..
I’d offer you my pulse.
Skye
Week of Oct 20th.
On a day which is like every other day
I realized that you more then I was able to handle at first.
You were so ‘mature’, I was so naïve
I believe you held my answers to my dreams.
You held my fears.
When I came into my own and realized
That only I could emancipate myself
You retreated into your little shell
That has always been there in the back of your mind.
I tried to hold on and I wanted you to see
To see who I had become
You didn’t want someone who had more answers and ambition then you
You actually wanted all the things we laughed about
You wanted the suburban house wife, who cooks and cleans
And never understands your philosophies, not a teacher, not someone who would question your words
Mindless
You held my fear once in your hands
Blue eyes, you held my everything
I hope one day you’ll peel away the layers of doubts
And realize that they don’t own you
Release your fears
Him
Week of Oct 13th.
I wake up and put on my face
The mask covers my self-denial
I grab for the clothes that cover the most scars
I begin my day with a sigh
I need him too be able to smoke a few with me
Then drive around not knowing where we'll end up
I'll find an art gallery in the ocean
and go and release my tears
I bath every day after I beg
Then I stay in my half-ass routine
Where I don't believe in myself
Although I know the answers to my prayers
I've been back and forth with the same type of guys for years
However I don't even know their expressions
Well enough to recognize them
In a line-up of the same old lines
"I'll never leave you"
So I'll test them and push them away
Until they grow a backbone and disappear
To only return
Because they know deep down
That I know them too well
Their walls are transparent
In my sight
I fell into my addictions at a young age
To young to recognize my true self
Even if it slapped me in the face
I need the strength to shed the fears
Baby, you're not the one to rescue me
Baby, I didn't mean to make you believe
Make you feel
Make you bleed
I need him to have a tortured soul
Some of the time
To be able to stimulate my mind
Even when I feel safe
To HIM I will be true
Copyright 2005 S.L
Please do not copy the poems without my permission, they mean something to me thanks :-)
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