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name: "victoria" to most. "bitch" to those who don't really know.

gender: hiphop female

age: the 12th month of the 84th year

zodiac: (of the chinese) rodent

from: the chasms of lost hope

status: i miss you. ;]

ethinicity: irish, polish, german, cherokee, french, vietnamese, chinese and a little bit of weird

height: 5'10"

thoughts: don't fucking judge me.

feeling like:unfinished.

song i'm feelin:india.arie- i see god in you

"sometimes i wonder why i wasted mad years,
tracing your initials on the backs of my palms."
"oh why must you ponder on the things of the past.
first to last, we were never ever really meant to last."


you know you enjoy the song. the beat, the lyrics. the fact that it speaks on relationships in all it's bitter truth. why has this song remained on my page for so long? to serve as a reminder that i am NO ONE'S doormat, no one's trophy girl, no one's escape. i am a person, to be respected, appreciated and loved. for so many years i wasted my life trying to save lost causes and search for the good beneath the many layers of bad in people. here's the song name so you mindless "hiphop! hiphop!" fucks can go download it spit even more bullshit about underground and how it's so dope and so fresh. when in actuality hiphop is in your head cause all you care about is spittin trendy tracks when the truth is, hiphop should be in your hearts. fuckin nimrods.
son of ran_till death do us part


every now and then i will come here and put a piece or two from my xanga on here as a simple update. however, other than that, i refuse to assimilate myself into an online community marketed mainly for asians. the "urban/asian" trend disgusts me and i'm trying to get away with my sanity still intact

last_shown: 05252003

;&:// the reality beneath_the facade

i remember as a child and later as i was growing up, i pretended to be so many different people with so many opinions, ideas, personalities and lifestyles. to this day, i'm not quite sure how i became that way. perhaps those "people" were an escape from the life i led at home. as a child, i felt that if i pleased my parents, i wouldn't be abused. i was wrong but i still continued to be a different person with everyone that i met only to please them. i was everything everyone wanted. but there was one person who couldn't stand me... any of the personalities, any of the pleasantries, any of the lifestyles. she hated it so much that eventually i forced myself to change. the girl who hated me so much was myself... my true self. i could not stand the person i had become or the people i was trying to be. so often i walked away from a person feeling empty and lost because i didn't know who i was without that person. i was everything they had wanted me to be [whether they were friends or lovers] and when the relationship ended, i was a clean slate again, ready to be molded and impressioned.

perhaps that's why it's easier to move on now and make myself happy. i know who i am. i have found that it is far too difficult to be someone other than myself. if i am myself, i can always rely on myself, make myself happy and believe in myself. there will be no aspects of myself that i will doubt. i will be infinite, everlasting, strong and true>. through all the hardships, the fakeness and the nothingness that i had become, i regret none of it. looking back, i was the type of person i have now come to despise, but the experience made me better. in some ways, i feel sorry for people who are the way i once was. something must weigh heavy on their heart in order for them to hide their true selves. whatever it may be, i hope they find the strength of themselves within.

the only person i'll ever want to be or aspire to be is ME.


i pay tribute now... my overdue homage to who i am
and where i come from. the women whose tears i
absorbed into my very soul. the beauty i admired and
aspired to attain throughout my childhood and even
now. these women sacrificed, endured and overcame
more than i can ever imagine in their beautiful and
scarred lives. these women inspire me to persevere,
forge ahead and live for myself.

no man will ever take away what they have instilled
from an early age: your best lover will always be
the one within. only you can truly understand your
passions, your weaknesses, your ultimate happiness
or your ultimate downfall.

like every human, these women have made mistakes
and carry with them deeply rooted regrets. but what
separates them from the rest of the weak-minded and
the heavy-hearted is that their blood runs strong,
their blood runs deep. their blood is resilient,
in all its glorified brilliance.

My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep.
I come from a line of women who sacrificed everything they wanted to keep.
I come from a grandmother who watched her soul mate break their marriage vows
And endured more pain than life should allow.

My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep:
The strength comes from strife hidden beneath.
I come from a mother who was beaten with words and broken down
Until there was no way left for her but out.

My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep:
It continues to persevere and survive when fear consumes me.
I come from an aunt who watched her 2nd born child die by the hand of her other son
And still managed to be a beautiful mother after all that had been done.

My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep
it runs its course strong and true despite all obstacles i meet.
I come from a cousin who tried to OD when she could no longer take the pain
But pulled through to find the sunshine beyond the rain.

My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep
It melts away the walls I build to try and run away like dissolving ice near heat.
I come from a woman within who knew I deserved so much more
Than what I continually settled for.

My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep:
It seeps into and mingles with the women around me.
I come from a line of women not really my own
But they are friends: my blood is their blood and I know Iíll never truly be alone.

My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep:
I come from women who put aside their own desires just to let things be
Their courage comes from men who struck them down and underestimated their power
Until they pushed them to the edge: the last second, the final minute, the breaking hour.

My blood is resilient,
in all its glorified brilliance

My blood runs strong,
my blood runs deep

In one prick, one slash, one scrape
I see the beauty of the women in my lives that they refused to let any man take away.

My blood runs strong,
My blood runs deep
-|v!ctor!a anne|-

this week's artists:
art: justin bua
photography: david beckerman
other: none this week

this picture is by david beckerman. what he had to say about this picture: "She had dropped her pocketbook and I picked it up and gave it to her. She was barely able to stand up at the next stop. My heart goes out to her."

this picture is intriguing to me because an artist was able to capture the vision of another artist. i look at advertising for it's artistic value, so i found this interesting and creepy. this is what the artist had to say: "Don't know what this advertising campaign is for, but it is definitely weird. Don't look at the image too long, you'll go blind"

i very much liked this picture because a lot of people consider nyc to be cold and unfriendly but here, the photographer captures love on any ordinary day. to me, that's true art and beauty. this is what he had to say about the picture: "Another shot taken on my way to work. For days I had the Contax G2 hanging around my neck and had not taken a single picture. As I turned a corner, I noticed this mom trying to kiss her kid through the railing. Shot from the hip without looking through viewfinder. I walked the rest of the way to work fairly certain that I had something good on that roll."

this is a painting done by artist justin bua. this is my favorite of all his artwork. anyone wanna buy me this piece? it's a limited edition piece of work. i dig it because it somewhat shows the irony of attemping a "cleaner" life when the world is so polluted anyway.

you know how there are some things that an artist can capture and it will be timeless? and then there are things that only modern artists can capture [like the internet] and make it real to the audience. i love this picture. don't front like this hasn't ever been you at one point or another, especially if you're taking the time to read this.

i couldn't link to the picture without words because this is bua's favorite piece and i think he's particulary protective of it. i picked this picture because it shows a an actual part of the hiphop culture. one of the things about bua's work is that it already has a hiphop element to it without actually showing it like this picture.

for those of you who care enough
to get a hold of me, email me