This is my story: Basically I am your typical teenager. I grew up with my mother and father for what I call the "unconcious years". The "unconcious years" is best described as the years as a child you only vaguely remember. I have a sister and many half sibblings. I don't even know how many I have or their names. My life was great until the age of ten. See I grew up in Salisbury, Maryland. I used to love it there. We moved to Buffalo, New York when I was roughly 10. I started going to a new school and immedietly got labeled the "quiet kid". I never understood that name. More like the "intelligent kid" but anyway. So my father, mother, sister and I all moved. I am pretty sure I left a piece of my childhood behind. I honestly don't remember too much of my first years. I do remember however that my sister and I would always fight, she would win considering she had 4 years on me. We moved from house to house for the first year or two. Then the next big I remember is my father leaving...he cheated on my mother. I was later to find out he was cheating on her throughout their whole 18 year marriage. A great example was set. I cried so hard the day my dad moved out. You have to understand that I was really close with him...or so I thought I was. I stayed in the same house with my mother and sister. My sister began to rebel drastically. She lost her virginity early which most girls do now a days...I must say this disturbs me. She began to sneak out at night. My mom found another guy and after a while he moved in with us. I was very reluctant to even talk to him...I saw him as my father replacement. I naturally didn't like this. To make matters a little worse, well actually to make matters horrible on a 10 year old (I may be a little off on my age, I know I was 10 when my step father came into my life) he abused my mother and disappeared on binges. My sister left after a while. She was 16 when she left to be with her 40 year old boy friend. Another great example set. I walked in on my stepfather holding my mother up against a wall...now keep in mind she was all I had left...even today she is all I have...so anyway, I tried to stop him and he pushed me down...thats all I remember of that night...a few years passed of him sheltering and controlling me. His abuse eventually stopped. But he had no income...he did odd jobs as a carpenter. My father never really worked either. So my mother has basically supported every guy she's been with. Nothing significant happened to me in the next few years. We lost gas and stuff like that because we couldnt afford it every now and then but I dealt with my self. By then I was about 14 or 15. I had long hair from about 13-15. I cut my hair and all of a sudden girls started to notice me. I wanted nothing to do with them though because they wanted nothing to do with me when I was down. I should explain to you that I get depressed very easily. Many things went wrong financially with my family. One Christmas my sister came to the door threatening to stab my mother. A real nice family. Kinda like the Brady Bunch huh? Well that was all started by her 40 year old boy friend/fiancee. I didn't care for him and hated my sister for a period of time because of her naive actions. Well back to our financial situation. My parents, and when I say my parents I mean my mom, owed alot of money to bill collecters. We had cut back and lost alot. I couldn't stand seeing my mom like this. On top of that I was going out with a girl, my first real relationship, for 6 months and she cheated on me the whole time. That was really hard for me. I did get over it though. I came very close to committing sucide one night. I took a walk with my knives and sat on some rail road tracks just staring at the sky. Thats actually half of the poem "Gone" I wrote. I told my mom and she said I was the only reason she didn't committ suicide, thats reassuring. So we struggled on for another year and at this point I am just turning 16. We regained a relationship with my sister because she left her boy frieng/fiancee. We moved into a new house. Live in a pretty nice area. I was dating another girl for a really long time over the summer. My birthday is in May so I have just picked up in July. I started dating the love of my life in Feburary. We had been dating for about 5 months. I cheated on her...following the path that seemed to be chosen for me...told her I cheated and she stayed with each other...I really believed with all of my heart she was the one. Her parents were really strict so I couldn't see her often or for that matter talk to her often. This put a giant strain on us but we were making it through. She wrote me a letter and sent it to my house telling me that we had both changed and it was for the better we break up...that letter still lurks around in my room and destroys a piece of me everytime my eyes fall upon it. I left a chunk of my heart with her. No one will ever have it. I got through it or at least pushed it down inside like I did with so many other emotions I didnt want to face. Now see I spent a month out of the summer with my dad in a trailer. It wasn't great but it was time with my father. I never could bring myself to tell him exactly how I feel...probably never will. There are some people I just cant face. Well I started my junior year in High School. It was going pretty good. The financial situation picked up alot. Or so I thought. My mom found out that my step father had been cheating on her and she kicked him out. I would've of like to get a piece of him before he left. He always told me how weak I was and that I will never make it in this world. He did one thing for me...he made me so mad at him I wouln't let that happen despite him. He left alot of debt on my mom. over $2000 worth. So I started looking for a job. I couldnt let her crumble before my very eyes. She got a second job. I just got my job. From all the hurt I went through I starte writing my thoughts down. I kept and for that matter keep everything inside that will truly tear me up. I am out spoken about irrelevant things but that does nothing for my piece of mind.Ok well this is going to be more current information about where I stand towards life...to start off with I have my job and have been working it for a while just to give up my paychecks to my mother so we dont end up on the streets...makes the job almost pointless but ah well...I have been dating my current girlfriend for almost 7 months now...just a few more days until our anniversery....we both truly love each other...I think I really know what love is now...I think what I had with Sonja my "dark angel" was just a pity relationship...Colleen is my current girlfriend...we have gone through an unbelievable amount of rocky times and I personally think if I was her I would have been done with the relationship a long time ago...just before I started working my job and towards the end of the school year I started smoking up and drinking everyday...not a day would pass where I wasn't wasted...I wasnt willing to face the world and the drugs numbed me....I liked the escape...the only problem was I had to constantly do it to keep away from reality...I stopped all of that when I started working....my gf had problems with it which should have been expected...I wasn't doing them every now and then I was doing them everyday all day...I did alot of stupid things when I was high and drunk...I cheated on her and destroyed alot of people...I isolated myself because that was the only way to detach myself from emotion...well my mom and I we're really close but now we are slipping apart...its ironic because I got close with my mother and farther from Colleen...now my mom and I are slipping away with Colleen and I are the strongest ever...we have made love and my mom figured this out from scratches left on my back.....she also figured out I was smoking...but she has lost all feeling as well...we now argue everytime we are in the house together about how much we do for the other...not that I am even home enough to argue because I am always at work but when I come home we argue about shit and it always ends the same way....my mom threatens me and I tell her to do what she wants...at which point I storm out of the house to the only salvation I have which is Colleen's...well Colleens father knows we have done some things but not how far we've gone...he told my mom if we go "too far" then he will break us up...while arguing with my mom she said she was going to ground me to the house and away from Colleen and I laughed at her... she said she would tell Colleen's dad about what we had been doing and I dared her too at which point I stormed out...It became obvious that my mom is jealous of my relationship with Colleen due to her loss of love with the men she has faced...I even heard her say that on the phone...I am so distraught I have fallen back into the drugs and alcohol...I am so sick of living...so sick of feeling...and the only thing that kept me alive has slipped away...the only thing that keeps me alive now is being taken away by what kept me going before...how ironic...now a quote..." "this was never my world..you took the angel away...i killed myself to make everybody pay"=Manson
Description of my fashion and current life
I dont like to categorize myself but most people call me "goth", "punk", "alternative". I dress in alot of black. I have short blonde spiked hair and miss it being long. I wear alot of chains. Play the guitar. I picked that up around the time my sister left. I love music. My favorites are NIN and TOOL. I am a loner. I dont like being around alot of people. I am very intelligent. I dont let that show in my school grades though.