As She Lay

She was combing the doll’s hair gently, humming a lullaby her mother must have taught her. Baby fine curls bounced along her shoulders as she moved her head in time to the song. Her legs were crossed together, tiny legs leading to tiny feet with tiny toes. Her face was flushed with a healthy rose pallor and she had already lost her front tooth. Buffy enjoyed sliding her small pink tongue in between the gap and trying to whistle at the same time. Her eyes moved up mischievously as she studied the man standing in front of her. Every now and then she would smile and offer him her new doll to play with. She would giggle happily when his eyes would widen as though he was afraid of her. But that was silly. He was a big person and she was…just a child.

Giles knew she must have been this precious when she was young. Innocence radiated from her, the same innocence he had watched die away from her over the years. There were no faint lines of fatigue edging her youthful face now. His knees felt weak as he thought how soon this girl would begin losing the life she treasured so greatly at this moment though she had no mature idea of the value of time. Of freedom. Of life. She was just this sparkling little girl whose every emotion made her come alive, every small tickle of thought touched her. She had yet to learn to guard so much of her thoughts. He would see her tears and her smiles so often, but Giles knew this childlike love she gave so easily would become harder and harder to give as years went by. Her trust would weaken and fade. The small, soft hands that held her doll would grow and scar.

"Would you like to hold her, Giles?"

"No, thank you, Buffy. I rather enjoy watching you take care of her." It hurt to smile but she needed his smile all the same.

"I need a name for her. I can’t have a baby without a name. And a mommy always knows just the right name." Buffy sucked in her lips as she pondered this new problem, her tiny face deep in thought. Giles could only draw in a breath as he wondered what her real children might have looked like. If she would have enjoyed being a mother. If she could have had the chance to take care of Dawn as their mother had done. Another chance she had had taken from her for the greater good.

"Dawn? I like that name. Mommy said it’s when the sunshine comes and makes everything bright again." Buffy giggled happily and began singing the name to the doll as she began putting the doll to sleep. "She won’t wake up, will she, Giles? She’ll die just like me." Buffy’s eyes suddenly stared at him sadly, her adult memories seeping through her childlike innocence. "She’ll fall from high in the sky and no one will ever catch her again."

"Buffy," Giles sighed heavily as his eyes began to tear. "I should have caught you. You saved us all but I wasn’t there to save you. I shall never forgive myself for letting you die."

"I died willingly, Giles. None of you could have saved me. I wish I could have saved myself. I wish I could have had one more day with you all. Make up for lost time. Do things I had always wanted to do. I had this secret list of all the things I wanted to do. Places to go. Things to learn. But it’s better this way, I suppose. Nothing hurts anymore." Buffy stared at the floral print of her sundress, her tiny fingers tracing the flowers. She haunted him as she looked up at him, her face ever childlike but given impossible maturity.

Giles cried softly as he watched the weight of the world press upon her even in death. He reached out and picked the young girl up and held her against him. He sat her upon his lap and held her the way all fathers do. His arms were the unbreakable protection he could never have given her in life. She snuggled against his chest and closed her eyes, her breathing slowing. She was the daughter he had begun to want over the years he had known her. The young girl he had wished he could have raised. Cheated by fate, they were. Robbed of the greatest pleasures. And now she was sleeping softly in his arms, perhaps dreaming of days future past. She was so still, so peaceful…

Giles leaned away and looked down on the small girl who was so peaceful in the shelter of his arms, she was not even breathing. Her tiny body had become heavy and limp. Buffy’s eyes were closed, the pale lashes curled across her cheeks. Her pulled her to his ear and listened for the sound of her heartbeat. So peaceful. Her skin had already begun to cool and he cradled her against his warmth. Her lips never parted in a single breath. And as he lay her down once more in the crook of his arms, he looked upon her face. Her eyes were open and watching him…

Buffy lay on the floor of the factory. She was again the grown young woman. The Slayer. Blood poured from her nose and her mouth as tears ran along her temples and into her tangled hair. Bruises spread along her face and neck and she shivered in pain. She stared at Giles in fear as he kneeled over her. Her breathing deepened, her lungs struggling to take in air through her mouth, her nose crushed. She whimpered as he leaned in close to her face.

"Giles, please." Her voice croaked out a weak resemblance to the voice he had listened to for so long.

"You know there is no other way, Buffy. You’ve been too badly damaged by Glory. Both you and I know she has won. I can’t allow you to watch the portals open. You’ve worked too hard and fought too valiantly. I can end your pain here and now. Don’t worry about Dawn or the others. We will be with you shortly in whatever heaven we may find. You will see your mother again and I know you will be so very happy." Giles cleaned his eyeglasses slowly before perching them back on the bridge of his nose.

Buffy’s body shuddered with her sobs as she looked up at her Watcher, the man sworn to be her guide and protector in times of darkness.

"No more darkness for you, Buffy. I promise." Giles leaned closer, his hand moving down to cover her mouth and nose. "I do love you, Buffy. I’m sorry I did not tell you often enough."

"Giles, please don’t do this." She struggled to sit up, to fight against the broken bones in her body. She raised one hand weakly and he noticed again the twisted fingers Glory had gripped in her godlike hands. "Please. Pl-" She began choking on her own blood.

"Shhh…everything will be alright now." His hand rested over her face and stopped her breathing. Her eyes widened and her chest heaved as her lungs searched for oxygen. Giles stared at her sadly, at once horrified by and approving of his deathblow.

She blinked once. Twice. Her eyes began to close slowly and her head lolled to the side. Her body shuddered once more and lay still on the ground. Giles slowly removed his hand from her face and smoothed back her blonde hair even as he smeared her blood into the soft strands. Sighing, he looked up into the sky as demons flooded into the world from the dimensions of hell unbound. And kneeling there on the ground, he prayed for forgiveness as the world began to end.

It was cold in the room. A freezing gust of air swept in through from no apparent entry. Giles awoke to the chill as the breeze hit his sweating body. He watched the curtains by his bed stir in the phantom breeze and he began to weep.

"Buffy."