This letter is gonna be very confusing - jumping back and forth and not making any sense so just bare with me here. The reason i'm writing this to you is because i can't be holding this back any longer. sicne we broke up, shit just hit the fan and broke into pieces. YOu can just throw this letter away or burn it, do whatever. You don't even need to read anything after this sentence because it's just my feelings. All i ask from you is not to show anyone this letter, this is as personal as anyone has ever seen me.

Why - I just can't see why you broke up with me and went for Mike. You have you're reason's and no need to explain yourself because you owe me now explanation. I thought you and I had something for a minute, I tried my best for you. I never thought it would have to come to this but it did and everything has its reasons. If you're happier with mike, then that's what's best for you and i have to accept that, which i'm trying to do. There is one thing i'm having a hard time understanding, that being me popping pills and you wanting to break up with me because of it but then mike does coke? was that just a reason to breakup with me without having to tell me the real reaosn? Any questions in this letter dont need to be answered and i dont want the answer for personal reasons.

Pretending - I've been acting liek this didn't bother me when, in fact, it killed me and still does. I was doing good of keeping back my emotions and jealousy but today it really hit me, what hit me was my love for you. I haven't been happy since we started fighting when we were together. I've been crying since you left me. Hell, i'm crying as i type this shit. I have no one to turn to for help with this, i feel like i lost my only true friedm, you. April, i tried talking to her but no one cares. but i always help everyone else out, but when it's time for me needing help no one could give a flying fuck, i'm a nobody when they dont need anything. i just dont know what to do but hold shit back and act like its all good but shits been stacing up forever.

the pain - remember that song from Babyface - nody knows it but me? that song has been played so many times on this compter with tears falling down my face. Now all my thoughts are forgotten because i'm so confused from typing this.

my problems - i dont want to lose you becayse your the only one who seemed to care, im so fuckign scarred right now. i need serious help, i have blackouts cough up a lung etc. i pass out for hours and dont know what the hell happened. i can not remember shit anymore. i'm constantly missing work, fighting with my family firends and shits getting out of control. i stoped the pills and msokin. but its getting worse. me and my family are at ends, nobody can stand me anymore. they are always asking me about you and i dont know what to say because it hurts so much and then they talk shit about me and ou. I just want to get out of here, far waway from here. but i'm so fucking scared, i dont want anything to happen, for all i know i could fall asleep and not wakeup. i have always said i wanted to die, btu now that i have this feeling, i can't let it happen.

Letting go - everyone has always said to let the love of your life go. the love of my life has come and gone so many times, me and yuou had been through this so many times throughout the past four years. YOu and i have so amny things in common, from my point of view. If the love we thougth we had together was true, we will be back together, but i don't think we will. I hope that isn't true but i'm having the hardest time letting you go. I miss you so much, ;you brought so much joy in my life.

Missing you - your smile, your personality, everything about you! It's so hard to find someone that is as pretty as you, perfect personality etc. You define the perfect girl for me which is why i'm gonna miss you so much more. people are always telling me what everyone is doing and when they say your wit mike, that shows me how much i miss being with you. If onyl we would have spent more romantic nights together, getting pictures taken for memories of us toghether. But we have nothing but memories.

Me meeting mike - you're happy being with mike and you are proud being with him and you want me to meet him so i can see what a good guy he is. Honestly, i foudn that kind of disrespectful beacuse i'm having a real hard time getting over all this and me meeting him would only cause more drama. that night ifound out about you and mike, i made a few phone calls to damien and all them. i was so pissed, jealous, heartbroken etc. I had a gang of ppl to come beat his ass wit me but i didn't wanna hurt you. The thought still crosses my mind, there is a BIG part of me that tells me to go through with it, there is nothing more in the world that would satisfy me in doing that, you can hate me for saying that beacuse i have so much hatred towards him but i won't do shit to him or you, i'm gonna leave you tow alone and go my own way.

the love i have for you now - it will never go away, i'll always be waiting for you. If you ever decide to come back to me, i'll be here. if you e ver need me for anything, i'll be here. I'm gonna miss talking to you, ahving long convorsations on the phone, helping you with your problems. Just hearing your voice will be missed. But this love i have for you will never go away, you will always have my heart no matter what happens.

one last thing - the other nigh t you really pissed me off. you called and said mike was at his wifes house. that's when you told me you were sorry and wanted me to accept yoru apology. that made me think, "oh he's just a last resort." i felt as if you said it because mike was back wit his ex. and i was your last resort. i may have taken that wrong, but no grudges are held so it's all good.

Continue Trying - everyone has told me to try and not stop, but me writing this letter to you should show how much i love you and if you love me and decide to come back to me later down the road, then so be it. I don't wanna continue trying and get shot down over and over and then you think that i'm stalkin you or whatever. So don't think that i stopped trying because i dont love you anymore!

Thanks for all the times toghether,

Pat

just remember i will always love you as much as i do now