~My Poems~

"Back when"

June 17, 2001
Father's Day
Written for - My Daddy

Back when I was a baby,
I know that I loved you so.
Back when I was just a tot on your knee,
I looked up to you, though you may not have known.

Back when I started to rebel,
I remember thinking, "This man doesn't know anything!"
Back when I showed no respect,
Even then I wouldn't admit you knew a little something.

Back when it was all a game,
When life, to me, was a big land of fun.
Back when I thought I knew it all...
and I wouldn't listen to anyone.

I should have known you were trying to help.
I should have known you were right.
You said, "Someone will always be your boss" & I laughed.
I now know what a difference you've made in my life.

I see now how it was to be you,
I understand the struggles you endured,
I see your side of life and how much you must love me.
There are things you must do to prove your love is sure.

The things you did seemed you were against me.
But as I mature, I realize you did them out of affection.
Now, I know why you had to be so stern,
It was your way of making a correction.

When did I realize you knew more than I had thought?
When did it dawn on me that I wanted us to be close?
I think it was when I had my little girl...
That was when I wanted that connection the most.

But, just as we started to bond,
I slipped up again and appeared to push you away.
I've made alot of mistakes in my life,
but please know, from your life, I never want to stray.

I want to stay in your life,
I want to make you proud of me.
I want to stay close to your heart,
and for you to love the person I've turned out to be.

I have changed many of my ways long ago,
I'm trying to be a better person...
A better wife, a better mother...
and an overall improved woman.

I know you disapprove of the way I've lived my life.
Things that I have done in the past.
But please forgive me and let's put it behind us.
Love me for me & be proud to be my dad.

June 11, 2001
Written for - My Husband

He has the power to hurt me,
He has the power to make me weep,
He has the power to make me afraid,
and to make me crawl at his feet.

He doesn't seem to mind when he crushes me,
He doesn't seem to notice he has changed,
But I see the difference right off...
Even in the way he says my name.

He's blind to the fact that he is pushing me away,
He's oblivious in seeing he is losing my love,
He thinks I will always be here...
But yet he doesn't know, I have had enough!

He will still have his power,
but he will have lost his wife...
But I must do this to make myself happy,
and to move on with my life.

June 8, 2001
Written for - Amanda

Teardrops falling from my eyes,
Teardrops falling from my heart,
They fall all around me,
all because we are apart.

My heart is full of tears yet to fall,
Tears brim in my eyes, ready to spill,
Everflowing rivers of tears, never to stop.
An empty space left in my heart only you can fill.

You gave up on me, you changed your heart,
You used to want me, used to need me,
You broke my heart, though unintentionally,
But now I miss you, can't you see?

Will we ever be together again?
Are we allowed that right?
If we are not then I guess I'm left with no choice...
But to lie awake & think of you each night.

May 8, 2001
Written for - Mike

I hurt you, I didn't mean to.
I crushed you, I didn't want to.

I thought I loved you,
I only did what I thought I was supposed to do.

You changed...your feelings, your mind,
You turned into a person unkind.

I changed as well.
I tried to come out of my shell.

I transformed myself, into what I thought would be...
a better person for me.

I made alot of mistakes.
I made more than any person should make.

I did alot of things wrong.
And, I broke a heart somewhere along...

I didn't mean to make you pull away.
I didn't know if I wanted you to stay.

I wish I would have known,
More compassion I would have shown.

I still don't know if the love remains,
If it's still there, maybe you are ashamed.

I guess I can be too emotional,
I guess I can be too distressful.

I guess I can be confusing,
But from me, know two things...

Know that I do care for you,
And know that I wish you happiness too.

June 10, 2001

Lost inside my own world,
With no one to understand me.
Lost inside my own head,
No one seems to care for me.

I drift on a cloud of my own thoughts,
All alone in my unconscience mind.
Free to think my own thoughts,
Only I must keep them tied up in a bind.

I cannot express them or speak freely,   
If I do, then I will be judged for my life,
judged for my mind and thoughts I think.
I must pretend in order to not cause strife.

Pretend to be perfect, pretend to care...
Care what others think of me.
I must pretend to be a perfect person,
Be a wonderful person for people to see.

Trapped in my own head,
unable to get out, to free myself...
I cannot pretend anymore...
I cannot continue to put myself on a shelf.

I want to be me again, want to be free...
Will it ever happen or am I confined?
Confined to keep things inside...
To keep things inside of my own mind?

I'm far from perfect, I'm full of flaws,
Some people just don't see...
They don't see how I hide from them,
the person I really need to be.

I need to be me again, got to break free,
I just might let myself go, to be exempt...
Careless and open to the world,
But what if I am held in contempt?

Then I would be lonely once again,
I cannot win this game,
I cannot gain anything.
How can I when it all stays the same?

One day, I will get overflowed...
And I will go after what I want the most,
I'm overflowed with impatience & pain,
And after that day I will no longer be lost.

But for now, I stay in my shell,
Waiting for the courage to let myself go,
I really am a very distinct person...
Only no one seems to know...

May 10, 2000
Written for - My Husband

When I was lost, when I felt pain,
You were there for me over & over again.

When I was afraid, & awoke in the night,
You held me in your arms till morning light.

When I was afraid our love had faded,
You reminded me of how long for me you waited....

You were there when I was sad,
You were there when I was glad.

I cannot describe into words what you mean,
Writing it out, impossible it would seem.

If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have love,
I wouldn't have known this thing from above.

I couldn't be happier with this life I lead,
All because you were there for me.

I love you....

March 14, 2000
Written for - My Husband

Harsh words, looks full of hate,
I thought we were bound together by fate?

Tears of sorrow, more words unkind,
How can all this get put behind?

After all the tears, after the pain,
Can we really start over once again?

Like a cycle, we start over again...
But scars it leaves in the end.

Scars of hurt, scars of pain,
Because our hearts were once slain.

Slain by words we did not mean,
Slain by looks we didn't mean to be seen.

Though we continue to start over again,
The scars never will heal, never will mend.

They stay in our hearts, as a reminder...
That next time the words should be kinder.

These kind of scars are different...
These scars leave a permanent "dent".

A dent so heartwrenching, so severe,
That it makes it hard to let someone near.

So afraid to be hurt once again,
We keep our distance, not letting them in.

Trying so hard to protect our wounds,
Hoping to love someone will not leave another bruise.

We want so badly to let the love in,
But the scars from the past remind us again.

"Don't do it!!" Your heart cries. "I can't take anymore!!!
"Please don't leave me with another sore!!!"

Little by little, your trust in him fades,
And little by little, some more your heart breaks...

You love him so, but what do I do?
He says, "I've changed, I love you."

Over and over, he breaks his word,
You are starting to think, "This is absurd!"

But you believe him again, you do,
Only to find out his word wasn't true.

Will it ever be forever? Ever like before?
Before the scars? Before the internal sores?

We shall see, as we continue the game,
The game of life and love and pain...

We say once again "Let's redo this."
How did we get ourselves into this mess?

How did it start? Where does it end?
Will we only just end up as friends?

One day, maybe things will heal up,
But not the scars where we were cut.

The scars will never leave us,
only to remind us...

Of the troubles we have been thru,
And still stuck together like glue.

The scars prove the love we share..
Is so strong that it is still there.

I hope in 50 years I can say the same,
That our love is still strong as the day it first came.

The first time our eyes met,
I knew you were a man I would never forget...

And, Brandon, on you, my heart is still set...

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

January 17, 2000
Written for - Amanda

Confusion between us,
Not sure what to do.
Confusion, and silence,
What do we do?

We used to be so sure of our feelings,
We used to seem so content.
Now we are lost,
Saying things we know are not meant.

We shoot things back in anger and hurt,
In the middle of a fight.
Saying it is over,
Then not even knowing if we might.

Confusion clouding our minds,
Tears filling our eyes,
Not knowing what to do or say,
Do we really want to say our good-byes?

Having said many things we regret,
Not wanting to go, yet not wanting to stay.
How can I leave you?
How could I stay away?

When will this confusion end???

January 7, 2000
Written for - Amanda

It tears me apart that I can't be with you,
It tears me apart that I can't hold you.

I wait so long for you to come along,
Now I am told this is not where I belong.

How can I not belong with you?
How will I live? What will I do?

Everytime I hear your voice,
I want to run to you, but I have no choice.

Everytime I hear you say my name...
You will never know how much I feel pain.

I feel pain deep inside my heart,
Wondering if we will always be apart.

My heart bleeds, my tears pour,
My mind tells me I can't take anymore...

I must see you, I must touch you,
I must feel the love that you do too.

But we are forced to stay away,
Only hoping to see each other one day.

One night, one night we spent together,
& I thought it was the beginning of forever.

But it ended, torn apart from one another,
Torn apart like a child from a mother.

My mind drifts away constantly,
Constantly thinking thoughts of you & me.

Sweet thoughts of us together again,
Can it be? Where do we begin?

Will you ever be able to touch my body?
Touching you, I remember it so fondly.

I remember your soft skin,
I remember your kisses from deep within.

I remember you carressing my face,
I remember how bad you wanted to taste.

I remember the way you shuddered...
Shuddered slightly at my touch.

I remember your soft moans,
I remember how your eyes shone.

Your lips are so soft, yet so sensual,
Like a magnet, when you kiss me, I feel the pull.

You lure me into you thru your eyes,
How you do it takes me by surprise.

Oh how I wish to hold you again,
Why does it feel like such a sin?

Is it really a sin to love someone so?
How can it be, I do not know....

No one understands the hurt I feel,
No one does & no one ever will.

He thinks I am strange, he thinks it is wrong,
Why can he not see I belong in her arms?

Why, to him, do I not ever matter?
Does he not see my heart is shattered?

He doesn't seem to care that I am in pain,
Thriving for the day just to see her again.

But, alas, I care for him, too...
& hurt him I never want to do...

But I did hurt him, very badly indeed,
But how did I know I would succeed?

I did not mean to cause all this heartache,
I am not sure how much more I can take.

I try & I try to make him see,
How bad I need her to be with me.

I try until I cannot try anymore,
And I cry until I cannot cry anymore.

My tears fall like the rain in the sky,
My heart asking my head, "Why oh why?"

"Why must this be so hard?
Why must it hurt so bad to be apart?"

Can't it be easy? Why did I fall?
I fell because she is so different from them all.

So different, unlike anyone else,
The only girl to make my heart melt.

And I say again it tears me apart,
Because that is what I said from the very start.

I say it because it is so true,
It tears me apart because I love her like I do.

How will I ever get him to understand?
I tried too much, & I don't think I can.

Because this is a feeling he never will feel,
Even though it seems odd, it certainly is real.

Will I ever again get to taste her sweet kiss?
And if I don't, oh what a privilege I will miss.

Will I ever again get to run my fingers thru her hair?
Will I get to? Or will I not be there?

I feel the pain cutting thru me, like a knife,
What can I do to get her back in my life?

It tears me apart, is all I can say,
If I never see her again, I will love her anyway...

January 7, 2000
Written for - Amanda

Why is it that I must stay away,
Just because he thinks it is better this way??

Why is it he doesn't care I feel like dying?
Why does he not understand that when I'm with you I feel like flying??

Why is life so unfair?
Why am I here and you are there??

I feel such anger, such pain, such helplessness,
Maybe I love her too much, should I confess?

Why am I told what to feel?
Why does he have to be so unreal??

I don't understand why I must suffer,
when all I want is her as my lover.

I thought I was done spilling this emotion,
but by writing this, I know I'm not done.

Will I ever be done? Is there enough time?
Enough to explain how I feel all in rhyme?

There is not enough words to explain my sorrow,
It only will continue a thousand more tomorrows...