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Friday, January the 31st, 2003
a kiss should taste like smoke
and her black hair should surge
and yet
to which your hand presses
yet
thou art addictive i kiss you
Sunday, January the 26th, 2003
I'm at a point in which my life will be defined by my present actions; by a simple 'yes', or 'no', which can lead to either maturity and growth, or deadlock, mediocracy, and emptiness. Let me break this down for you. I'm sixteen, soon to be seventeen. Katie is twenty-two, soon to be twenty-three. What the fuck do we do? She says that she likes me, and that she really wants me, and I feel the same towards her, but our age differance is somewhat jaw-dropping. I could say that I'm all for this, for moving forward and trying to persue a relationship; but does that leave me with any credibility? I mean, I'm sixteen damnit, of course I'm going to say yes - right? So I guess the whole thing is on her shoulders. Maybe it's just her decision. But that doesn't seem fair - leaving such a weight as that hovering over her. She says that she feels kinda wierd about it all, and I don't blame her. Though personally, for the first time in my life - things feel natural. I'm not worried, afriad, stressed, or any such shit. Which, I would suppose, is a reflection on her - and a damned good one at that. Perhaps if she doesn't feel comfertable, then I'll say no. Maybe I can be the one to decide. I know I want her bad, and I do really like her, but I couldn't live with knowing that she didn't feel it right. I'll have to talk to her this week, as soon as I can. Maybe on Monday. Oi. Now, as I mentioned before, there was a party, and I attended it. Tons of people showed up, and there were beer and cigs galore. Becky ended up making out with Ryan in full view of everyone, though I shouldn't be so quick to judge, as Katie and I did the same thing... Troy seemed to take everything well (as he likes Becky, and Ryan is his brother), damn him, bless him.
Saturday, January the 25th, 2003
Yesterday was mucho caliente. After school I went out and had tons of fun. Muh. Basically, I hung around the Corner again, until about nine, at which point a few of us (Katie, Megan, myself, and a dude) went out to play pool. Alas, the pool table was broken so Katie and I went back to her place. We watched a movie and a bunch of people showed up, so all was awesome. Oh, right - and I kissed Katie. Got home late and stayed up watching "The Lain", some anime, and then slept until noon today. Not been up to much today, such hanging around, but in a few hours I'm off to the party. Cheers.
Friday, January the 24th, 2003
I haven't updated for awhile, and I appologise. My 'net has just recently crashed at home, at the school computers won't access sites with words like fuck. Well fuck that. Anywho, an amazing few weeks. I've been hanging around the Corner for a while now, and have met a variety of great people - all of which are nineteen and older, which is neat. Also, I've met a girl who is twenty-two, and beautiful. I wonder what shall happen...it is an amazing learning experience, and does a lot to boost my confidence and self-worth. So anywho, anywho, anywho, I've had so much homework this week, but thank God, I've managed to do most it before my classes in the mornings. Which, I suppose, is a good thing, though now I'm feeling totally fucking wasted. Speaking of feeling wasted, I'm going to be going to a party this weekend which celebrates the birthday of my two good friends Becky and Troy. So I shall be rather - uh - tipsy. Speaking of tipsy, there's this cute little sophomore that's been eying me like a hawk - a throughly sexcraved hawk. Damn, she's gorgeous. But, it doesn't matter; I just thought I'd mention it. Bragging rights, if you will. Speaking of will, there's this book I've been reading -the fucking most amazing book, "johnny got his gun". You must read it. Now! Will you?
Oi. Tired. Need coffee. Yay for me.
He entered The Cafe with a sweet confidence, a perfect esteem; centered on his black, leather, lace-up boots, and tight combat jacket. Striding towards the counter, he traced the room with his eyes - and suddenly saw Her. Instantly his sure composure was lost, slain by the mear glory which emminated from his Irish Lass. Futilely trying to regain his dead friend, confidence, he continued on his path, reached the counter, and ordered a coffee. Groping into his breast pocket, he pulled out a small bottle of irish cream and slipped it's contents into the jet-black coffee. Turning, he strode to Her table, and paused. Cooly She regarded his presence, almost dismissing his mear existance with a soft blink of Her eyes. Meekly, he sat next to the table She occupied, and diverted his attention to the woman sitting across from Her. This one almost looked at him with subtle interest. He sipped his coffee and mulled over absolutly nothing but the welcome he recieved. Understandable. He sipped his coffee, and then, thinking better of himself, got up to move across the room - far from Her seemingly indifferent eye. Pausing in mid-conversation, She turned to him and said, "You don't have to feel as if I'm pushing you out". He sat down again. Rallying his composure, he attempted to break into the current topic of discussion. Marginal success. After fifteen minutes of polite banter, at which point his coffee was finished, he got up to leave. Finding no objections, he donned his jacket, said his goodbyes, and left.
I cut these shapes out of paper and ink; imagining that letters can fix everything, assuming they can be placed just so. And I write words, inked in line, telling us that all turns out right in the end, but where that line falls even I stay ignorant. The pages never define end, or beginning, mearly present, and act, assuming as if we, as mankind, know everything, as if future and past blended seamlessly within our fragile minds. So then psycologists must be Gods, and the Earth trembles. It's so much easier to anaylize other people's faults. Especially when grouping them between tiny blue-ruled lines, and pushing forward plans for sweet renewal. But where we are placed ourselves, is not the root of our own will, or perfect lettering, but the flaming eyes of others - who read the blue and black ink like it were some sort of natural order, or divine rite. I guess I shouldn't be so cynical, but I'll be damned if I can't tie my own shoes without some asshole raping me with their eyes. Gods walking among men; men as Gods. Shall we then be so hesitant as to judge the sins of others? Time is like a fucking crazy trip, It whirls endlessly, and never seems to stop, But yet two minutes pass, and I'd swear I've been waiting hours. Some people say that time flies when you're having fun, and yet others claim that it's when waiting that times likes to wing. I'm not so sure whether it has wings, and I wonder if it even walks. But For sure I hate it. Sixteen years old, And already I feel like life has ended. What will tomorrow be like? Just as hollow as today? You tell me that things are different now, that I should be greatful for what I have, yet what has it brought, but endless misery at it's parting, and worry. So how should I react to this fucking drug time. I can't quit, it runs my life. Need we a class, to bump the habit? Or just forget about it, and live the moment...?
Great weekend, I'm so happy. I got off school at 3:15 p.m. (yes, I'm going back), and played Hack until four, at which time I got a ride with Troy to the Corner and waited until Becky got off work. I met some cool people; Beth, Eric, Daniel, and I even saw Ryan again (the friend Troy's Bro). I'm now an official Couch Kid. Joy! Alright, so Becky stayed over Friday as planned, but was distant, so I didn't push anything. I slept on the floor, and she on the sofa, as to my parents' request. Damn them! Actually, she was pretty zonked from school and work, and that evening only did her homework. The next morning was the same. We woke at nine, and she spent the next three hours doing homework. I eventually interjected and had an interesting talk, by which I stuck my foot in my mouth and tried unsuccessfully to communicate. Nonetheless, we did clear some issues, and afterwards she was picked up by Ashley, and went to work. That evening was somewhat interesting for me, as my friend Sarah, her mother, and I, went to the Douglasville Mall. We walked around, and then had mexican for dinner. Afterwards, we drove back to town, and watched a band preform at the Corner. I got home roughly eleven that night, and went to sleep. Today was mucho caliente. I was awoken at noon by the smiling face of Becky, and spent the rest of the afternoon with her at home. We played a rated-G version of the 'Circle of Death', a drinking game (Coke only) with my siblings, and beat a friend near-senseless (all in good fun). She went to work at four, and since then I've been at Youth watching Family Man. Yay. Ok, so a somewhat lax entry, but eh.
I am incredibly anxious. I feel so fragile today, like a toothpick, like some small child could snap me whilst picking out broccoli from between his teeth. Or like a match, ready to explode into passion - or demise. The root of my anxiety shall remain nameless. But you can probably guess. Becky's spending the night again tonight, and I don't know what's going to happen. I would like very much to be the only one she cares for, or fucks, but I've almost accepted the fact that that is mearly a wish. A fragile toothpick-dream. She's a dream, she is. My own Queen Mab. So perfect, but somehow an alien piece of the puzzle we call my life. It's like toothpick-kid mixed up bits of his puzzles in one box - It may be entertaining, trying to find all the correct pieces, but after a few minutes it soon begins to chafe. I know that the evening will be great, I mean, I'll cherish every moment that I hold her in my arms, and I'll fill her lips with my own. But, I only wish all was certian. I'm afraid to listen to logic, or my gut feelings. I feel both as if we are for eachother, and seperate. Which is the truth? And what the hell is truth anyway? What do we percieve? May the eve be great, may her heart pour fourth all emotion, may I soothe her soul with tender words - and may we live in comfort of eachother; sharing ourselves completely. Amen.
Yay'eth. Last night Becky phoned after work and we met up at the Mellow Mushroom. She was expecting to be alone all night doing homework whilst waiting for her ride. I showed up, and suprise, Becky was socializing with some guy. Gotta love her, eh? So, as it turns out, this guy's a brother of a friend of mine. So all's cool. We spent most of the evening outside, but moved in when the weather became peticularly nippy. I had a cig, and we chatted. That is to say, she and he chatted, as I wasn't in a very socialable mood. Also, one finds it increasingly difficult to join conversations when topics cover experiences and topics which I have not been introduced to (e.g. sex). Hello, James, this is sex. Sex, this is James. Ok, so evening passes, and we part our ways. Regardless of my low profile, she enjoyed my company. I enjoy her's. Also, she's staying over tomorrow night, I think she said something about 'talking', which in itself should invoke a bald sweat and images of singularity, but I am looking forward to it, 'cuz there really are things that need to be discussed. Rough though things my be, I should very much hope that everything smooths-out and this relationship works. It's interesting having two completely different people dating. Exciting, but odd. Ah well, she's a great girl, and I think that we're just what we need for eachother at the moment, no-matter the mechanics. I need an inteligent, dominant sexual-goddess, and she needs a sweet, innocent, quiet guy. The yen t' is maddening.
A truely uninspiring day. Absolutely nothing of apparent importance. None-the-less, in my ever-failing effort to not disappoint, I shall fill you in on the events of the day. I woke at noon after a constant prodding by my father, and spent the most of the afternoon lounging, much to my own disappointment. The hours stalked by, and I was left to my own designs. At five, I hopped into the van, and drove down to the boxing programme. After fifteen minutes however, I became dizzy and tired - methinks I'm getting the flu. So, not wanting to sit and stare at the wall, I headed out and decided to hoof it home, to see what I could see. Actually, I planned to stop and say hello to Becky her new work (the foodstore - which was only two blocks from where I was), and try applying at the library for a job (which was on the way home). I popped into the store and bought an apple. Becky seemed to be both suprised and unsuprised at my appearance. I was greeted with a very happy "JAMES!", but that was about all. I paid for my apple and left. The library was still open (to my amazement), and I walked in and asked for an application form. Pending. I then returned home to nothingness, that I may contempelate my nothingness, and wait for something to happen. Alas, nothing has happened, and I am feign to make any effort at the moment. Oh, here's something that I wrote yesterday: Becky's Breasts, (2003)
Simple pleasures wrought free from the burdon of conscienceness,
Quietly, whispering hands lead pretty dance,
And yay, shall the discourse continue,
Joy, good news and such! Ok, so I went up to Canada for the holidays, and I had so much fun. I was invited to my older bro's New Year's party, and had plenty fun. I didn't get shitfaced, but I think I was coming close.
Anywho, so I returned on the second... or third of this month (duh), and discovered that Becky had called and left a few messages. I hadn't spoken to her since a week or so prior to my leaving, and so had not told her of my planned trip. Luckily however, a shared friend of ours knew of my whereabouts and told Becky. She left a message saying that she wasn't mad. Gol, I felt so bad for not talking to her.
Ok, so I phoned her back and she came over Friday. We hung around until fairly late, and I gave her a ride back home (rather, I should say my Dad and I, as I have still to get my full licence - tomorrow hopefully!). We've talked things over since then, both by phone and e-mail, and I think that we've finally got everything, or at-the-least, alot settled. It took some adjusting, but I believe now that everything's gonna be peachy from here on out.
Also, this belief is fortified by the fact that she stayed over lastnight, and I played with her breasts. Actually it wasn't so much playing really, but more massaging. I didn't want to hurt her at first, but after a few minutes (and a few pointers by her silent hands) I think I got the hang of it. I tell you though, that must sound silly, not knowing how to handle breasts. Hehe, I had no fucking idea that those things we so soft! Ladies, you are truly blessed.
Anywho, Becky has school starting up again today, and a new job after school, so lastnight we slept on the couch, and she fell asleep at a reasonable hour (methinks like, one a.m.). I, on the other hand, stayed up most of the night spending my time alternately watching both her sleep, and the TBS Superstation's cop movie specials.
Conan O'Brian kicks ass.
Oh, so much has happened, so it's a shame that the holidays have ended; I was really enjoying myself. Ah well, a busy week ahead - dentist, choir, driver's licence, job hunting...*sigh*
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