StarKillers
Aura Thundera
deonii@yahoo.com

Cast of Characters
Sam:
Sam plays lead guitar and sings in a band called the StarKillers.  His ambition in life is to become a rock star.  He is a senior in high school at the beginning of this play.
Karen:
A junior at the same high school.  She loves Sam, but Sam doesn’t even know that she exists.
Keith:
Sam’s best friend and the bass player for the Starkillers.
Dana:
Sam’s ex-girlfriend.  Diamonds (and cold cash) really are this girl’s best friends.  She pushes Sam to make the band into a hit.
Agent:
Hired by the StarKillers and their recording company to deal with details of the StarKillers’ live appearances.
Audience #1-3
Members of the audience at the StarKillers’ Christmas concert.

Sam:  Hey! Where did you get that necklace?

Karen jumps.

Karen:  In...in the bushes outside.  Some other girl took it off and threw it into them.  I thought that it was pretty, and I saved it.

Sam:  Hey, hey, calm down.  I’m not gonna bite you or anything.  It’s just that I made a necklace like that for my girlfriend.  Can I see it?

Karen:  It doesn’t have a name or anything on it, I checked when I picked it up.

Sam:  Neither was the one that I gave her.  But I made it, so if this is it, I will recognize it.

Karen:  Well, all right.

Sam scowls at the necklace that Karen hands to him.

Sam:  Yeah, this is my work, all right.  She really threw it away?  Was she tall and blonde?

Karen:  Yeah, she was.  In fact, that’s her over there with all the football players.

Sam: That’d be her.

Dana speaks to one of the football players, who is offstage.  She is on the far side of the stage from Sam and Karen.

Dana:  Oh, you’re talking about Sam.  He’s not really my boyfriend, you know.  He’s just a nerdy little musician.  But he could be rich.  Anyway, he’s not here today, so we don’t have to pretend anything.

Sam:  Damn!  She’s been cheating on me with that meathead, Matt!

Karen:  Sam, it’s not the end of the world.  If she’s been going out with Matt behind your back this whole time, I really doubt that she ever loved you.

Sam:  I thought she loved me.  She was always encouraging me to be the best that I could be.  She was always telling me to push the band ahead.

Karen: There you go.  Every girl wants a rich husband.

Sam hits the table.

Sam: She used me!

Karen: If it’s any consolation, I like you just the way that you are.  I love boys who wear their hair long.

Sam smiles a little.

Sam:  Thanks.  Dana was always telling me to cut it.  She said that it was too 70’s and wouldn’t sell.  She said that I looked like David Cassidy.

Karen: David Cassidy is cute.  So are you.

Sam: You really think that this haircut is cute?

Karen:  It does take a good man to wear it right.  Most guys just look girly with a shag cut, but you don’t.

Sam:  Thanks for that.  After all of Dana’s put-downs, I was really starting to think that she might be right, that I needed to cut my hair.

Karen:  It suits you, really it does.

Sam: Would you...could you...go out with me tonight?  I was going to go out to dinner with Dana tonight, but now I’m pretty sure that she’ll cancel again.  Her grandmother was sick an awful lot, and now I know that she gets sick whenever Matt asks Dana out.

Karen:  Sure I will.  And my grandmother is perfectly healthy, so I won’t be calling to cancel.

Sam: I’ll pick you up at five.  Where do you live?

Karen:  134 Oak Street.  I’ll be ready.

Scene change.  Sam and Dana are talking on the telephone.  They are standing on either side of the stage, with the telephones resting on tables.  Sam is sitting on his table, and Dana is standing.

Dana:  Hi, Sam.  I’m sorry, but I’ve got to--

Sam:  Cancel our date.  I know.  Your grandmother is in the hospital again, am I right?  (sarcastically)  Is she okay?

Dana:  Well, yeah.  Sam, she’s got cancer.  She’ll never be really okay again.  Why are you being so mean about it?

Sam:  I’m not buying it anymore, Dana.  I just hope you’ll enjoy your date with Matt--

Dana:  Matt?  What on earth do you mean?  I have to go to the hospital soon, to be with my parents while Grandma gets her chemotherapy.   How am I supposed to be going out with Matt at the same time?

Sam:  (sounding bored--Dana’s lie does not impress him)  Yeah, whatever.  I hope you enjoyed our last date, Dana, because it’s going to be our last one.  Now your “grandmother” can have all your attention.  We’re finished, Dana.

Sam bangs the telephone down angrily.  Karen steps out to the center of the stage as the set is changed.  The telephones remain, but several posters of Sam’s face are hung up on the back wall.

Karen:  When Sam and I went out on that first date, we got along really well.  We were best friends within a month.  Over the next two years, Sam’s band the StarKillers, got their first record contract.  I expected that neither their singles nor their CD’s would be a big deal, but I was very wrong.  Their first single--it was called Armageddon--went to number one in a month.  Their first CD--it was a self-titled one--went gold in two months.  The second record went gold on orders alone.  It was gold before it was released.  The StarKillers were the Next Big Thing in pop music.

Sam enters and begins to dial his telephone.

Karen:  All that popularity meant one thing--the StarKillers went on tour.  Sam was gone then, nine months out of the year.   And when he wasn’t on tour, he was recording.  So I only saw him when he was back in town, and that wasn’t often.

The other telephone rings now, and Karen picks it up.

Karen:  Sam!  It’s so great to hear from you, I haven’t seen you in forever...

Sam:  Karen, I just wanted to say hi.  It’s been so hectic that I can’t see my way forward, everything is just constantly in motion.

Karen:  Sam, why are you doing this?

Sam:  Karen, I promise you.  Soon, I’ll have enough money invested that neither of us will ever have to work again in our lives.  Then we can settle down and get married.

Karen:  I’m not sure that you’re even my Sam anymore.  I haven’t seen you in two months.  I just want you to come home and spend Christmas with me.

Sam:  Karen, we’ve got a concert in New York on Christmas Eve.  I can arrange for you to fly in and see it, and stay with us for Christmas.

Karen:  Would you?  Oh, Sam!

Sam:  Hey, I’m the hyped teen idol.  I can have whatever I want.  With the exception of shutting up those stupid magazines that are always saying that I’m available when I’m not.

Karen:  (giggles)  I wasn’t really sure what to think, but I assumed that they were taking creative license.  I’ll be there, you can count on that.

Sam:  I missed you a lot on this tour, Karen.  We’ve decided to break up after this tour, Karen.  You’re the first one to know.  We haven’t even told our record company yet.

Karen:  What happened?  I thought you guys loved your music and loved performing.

Sam:  Karen, for the last year or so, none of us have been happy.  We’ve had no time to have a life!  Besides, we don’t want to become another vapid boy band.  I want to rock, and so do the guys.  The first record was okay, but they brought in songwriters for the second one, and changed our sound to make us teen idols.

Karen:  Wasn’t there anything you could do?

Sam:  Nada.  We signed away our creative rights to get the deal.  All we wanted was to make a CD!  Anyway, the contract is up on Christmas Day, and they’re pushing us to renew it.

Karen:  They’re probably offering the moon to get you to stay.

Sam:  Well, maybe not that much, but a lot, Karen.  They may not have offered the moon but they ARE offering us a Saturn 5 rocket to get us there, you know?  (laughs)

Karen:  And you turned it down?

Sam:  By vote.  The StarKillers voted to turn down the contract and break up.  We’re going to announce it at the Christmas Eve concert.

Karen:  Are you INSANE?  Your record company is trying to turn you into the Backstreet Boys!  I’m starting to see your pictures on notebooks and posters.  You don’t realize how many girls’ Christmases you’re going to ruin!

Sam:  About 20,000.

Karen:  Where’d you pull that out of?

Sam:  They started an “Official Fan Club” for us.  It’s the membership.

Karen:  They really are serious about turning you guys into teen idols.

Sam:  Yeah, but it’s not going to happen.  We’re putting a stop to it, on Christmas Eve.

Karen:  Are you sure it’s for the best, Sam?

Sam:  I’ve spoken seriously to a smaller record company.  And they’re willing to gamble on my own music, not the teen idol.  Look, there’s some peon from the studio outside, banging on the door to be let in, so we can’t talk about this anymore.

Karen:  What about the plane ticket?

Sam:  You’ll get it!  I’ve gotta hang up, he’s bringing in the president of the fan club.

Sam hangs up and dashes offstage.  Karen steps forward again as the Audience Members sit in a half-circle behind her.  The telephones are removed, and the StarKillers backdrop is moved in.

Karen:  I got into the backstage area easily enough.  I showed the pass that Sam sent me to one of the guards and he took me into the backstage chaos.  I wasn’t sure what to expect from Sam, but he gave me a kiss before he went onstage.

Keith and Sam enter, and they begin playing out their concert in mime as Karen speaks.  The Audience Members react silently to them--waving, clapping and miming shrieks.

Karen:  The show went by without a problem.  I had butterflies in my stomach.  I didn’t know how the audience would react to Sam’s announcement.

Karen moves to either the far right or far left, giving the impression that she is watching from offstage.  Sam stands in the center of the stage, behind the Audience Members.

Sam:  We’d like to take a few moments before you leave to make an announcement.

Agent enters to stand next to Karen and speaks to no one in particular.

Agent:  They’re going to announce the signing of their contract tonight!  No promoter could have planned this better!

Sam:  This is the StarKillers’ last concert.  We all have different plans for our future, and the band isn’t part of them.  The StarKillers are breaking up.  I know that our record company said that we signed a new contract, but we have not signed it, and we never will.

Audience 2:  SAM!  WE LOVE YOU!  PLEASE STAY!

Audience 1&3:  NOOOO!

Agent:  (shocked)  What...  Why...  How can they do this?!

Sam:  I know that this isn’t what you came to hear, but we wanted to tell you ourselves.

Audience 1:  (muttering) That’s for sure.

Keith:  Don’t you worry, we’ll all still be recording music, we’ll just be doing it by ourselves.

Audience 3:  BUT IT”S NOT THE SAME!!

Karen:  He did it.  He popped their bubble.  I just hope that the new contract doesn’t just make Sam a solo teen idol.

Sam:  Karen, come out here, please.

Karen walks across the stage to Sam, who is fumbling in his pocket for something.  When Karen reaches him, Sam drops to one knee and pulls out a ring.

Audience 1:  Who is that?

Audience 2:  She’d better not be his girlfriend, ‘cuz I’m gonna marry him!

Sam:  Karen, will you marry me?  I want to you to be my best friend and companion. When I record my next CD, I want to sing a duet with you and be able to say that yes, you really are my wife.

Audience 2&3:  NOOOO!

Audience 1:  I HATE YOU!

Karen:  I... I’m not a singer, Sam...

Sam:  Karen, it doesn’t matter to me.  I don’t want some actress, I want the girl who told me that my David Cassidy haircut was cute in the school cafeteria.

Audience 2:  (muttering)  Who’s David Cassidy?

Karen: Yes, Sam, I will!

Karen flings her arms around Sam, and Sam, Karen, and Keith leave the stage.   The scene shifts to backstage.  Agent gets up into Sam’s face.

Agent:  Are you mad, you stupid boy?  You’ve thrown away your career.  They’ll never love you if you’re married, and that’s what’s selling your CD’s!

Sam:  I didn’t really want their love, and I didn’t want to make those CD’s.

Keith:  That was the general idea.  We talked about it, and decided that this was the best.  None of us wanted to be teen idols.  The record company made us into that, but we were in it for the rock and roll, not the fans.

Agent:  That’s good, because you’re not going to have any fans anymore after that!

Sam:  I just hope that they burn all of  the Starkillers’ CD’s.  Oh, and, as of right now, you’re fired.  You and all your studio cronies have to be off my property by tomorrow.

Agent:  I hope you like bagging groceries, kid!

Agent exits, and a slamming door is heard offstage.

Sam:  Come on, Karen.  Let’s go back to the hotel.

Keith:  Yeah.  The other guys already left, and they’re getting a big Christmas party ready
for our pair of lovebirds.

Karen:  Sounds like fun to me.

All three exit in the same direction as Agent.