This is the only safe place to write...god im so fucking lost, so empty, so confused. He confuses me beyond belief..theres no doubt in my mind or heart how much i love him, but fuck doesnt he realise that the little things he does sometimes drive me insane and leave me hurting for days at a time?? he doesn't even notice..simple things like i'll call you back, then doesn't, its hard enough being 5000 miles apart and a 5 hour time difference....but for gods sake, him who is trying to prove himself...trying to show me that he knows he's fucked up, takes two step forwards then one giant step back.

I've laid in bed all day today, trying to sleep, to black out the thinking...I swear im going mad. How comes all this hurts so much. 13 weeks from now i should have been moving to canada to be with him, 13 weeks from now i'll be boarding a flight to America instead.. god all this is killing me....killing me, i feel like half he time im dying inside, so empty, so lost, so hurt, so broken...

Theres days i wish i could shut him off, tune him out of my mind, like he does me...but i canny, im in too deep. He says he's coming to get me....do i believe it? No....I want to, by fuck i want to. But my heart wont allow, yet at the same time the thought of it makes me so excited, to be able to hold him again, to touch him, to feel safe again. I hate this..i hate this so fucking much, it doesnt get any easier, how can it? two people so incredibly in love still seperated by circumstance and his stupid behaviour...

I miss my baby, i miss him so fucking much. Right now i just wanna curl up into a ball and to sleep the next few months away. Im scared, so scared that he isn't capable of doing everything he says he is going to do and it hurts to think that, god i wish the tears would stop, surely they have to end at some point? How is it one human can shed so many tears over just one single person? With every inch of my heart, my soul and with every breath i swear im willing him to do well. I guess time will tell if.........he loves me enough afterall.

Every New Year i make a wish...this is my wish for this year...

If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday to the sound of your breath on my neck, the warmth of your lips on my cheek, the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

NUFF SAID??


No words really, cept this is killing me...badly..

I miss him....I miss us....This song...it's well its...ya know....god my brain canny take this much longer...you admitted your still in love with me....so fucking prove it already!! DAMNIT!!
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I have no fucking clue what is going on in his heart and mind, i have no clue what to do next, i have no clue, i have no fucking clue about anything! I am so fucking lost and so scared about what to do next, i just want to pack my bags and go hide, hide from everyone, from everything, from this hurt.

I am so incredibly in love with that man, why can't i believe it's over? Why can't i stop thinking we're not done yet? Why does this hurt so fucking much? Why do i feel the space behind me in bed everynight so badly? Why did this happen? Why does it hurt to look at the moon? Why can't i open my eyes when i pass a firehall? Why can't i play my favourite music? Why, fucking why? because.......it all reminds me of him. My whole life was about him, he'd become such an integral part of everything everywhere i go there is something that reminds me of him. I don't know what he's thinking, i iwsh i could read his mind, read his heart, read his soul. This is breaking me.......

Sometimes no matter how hard we look for an answer, look for reassurance is there none, sometimes only time will tell and sometimes well theres just plain and simple nor rhyme nor reason why something should happen.

For the first time in my life i feel like the world is crashing down around me, nothing is there or here to help me hold it up and it is the lopneliest feeling in the world. When i lay here and stare at the ceiling, drifting off into space, my whole heart aching like its never ached before, my mind so numb from fear i question myself as to what it is that makes people want to throw me away, why am i never good enough for the people i truly love with all my heart to keep? Right now i feel empty and worthless and i wish the world would swallow me up and stop this pain, i wish for just ten minute i could stop feeling this sinking feling in the pit of my stomach, that the tears would go away, the feeling that your soul mate is leaving you, letting you go is one of the worst feelings in the world, i feel like im being pulled in every dirction and that i ahve no control over anything in my life right now, fuck i feel like i dont have a life right now.

I cant explain the hurt, the pain as i lay in bed rocking myself for comfort wishing he was behind me his arms keeping me safe, i feel like a part is missing, but a big part of me knows he doesnt want to be there. Would it be easier just to let him go and get this over and done with? Should i walk away to save his pain from deciding? Im almost at breaking point and i dont know how much longer i can hold on. God i love hm with every breathe, with every being of my heart mind and soul and all i want to do is love him, for who and all he is, it scares me that he thinks i deserve better, whats better than the man i want to be iwth? the man whom makes me feel butterflies with kisses and who's arms are the only arms i have ever felt safe in? God i am so fucking scared, its ripping me to pieces. I have never ever felt such a fear of anything like the fear i am feeling of losing him. I love him.

nothing to say really...just a song....

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Something special...
Now Playing: Savage Garden
Three weeks to go...thank god. I can't wait to get to Canada and feel his arms wrapped round me again. Damn I miss him so much, the last week has for some reason particularly sucked. Everytime i've seen him on cam i've just wanted to reach through it and pull him close feel his warmth against me, be able to run my fingers over his face gently, kiss his soft lips, hear him breathing..just to be there with him. I can't wait to get to that airport..see him standing there..i love you Bear. I miss you so much.

No words to explain how I'm really feeling tonight, loneliness isn't quite it, more a longing to feel like i belong. I have bear and the boys and my other friends, but anything i had that i considered has family has all gone, Mav was the brother Dee was never allowed to be to me, what do i have left now? The family I have isn't what you'd call loving. I feel kinda isolated and alone, almost abandoned again it feels like the first day at the kiddies home, eyes open wide, feeling totally at a loss not knowing where i belong. Mavs death has left an empty space a huge gap in my life like you wouldn't believe. I know people are probably sick of me talking about it, but this is so hard for me. I don't have any family left to call my own. I don't know where the tears have come from tonight but since i got off the phone from Bear the tap has been turned on and it wont stop.

When i have kids i never want them to feel this way, to feel this complete feeling of being left out in the cold. It's an experience i never want to wish on anyone, i would rather feel this ten times over than let anyone else go through it.

I guess its finally all hitting me, hitting me that unless heaven exists I'm never gonna see Mav again. I thought i could handle this better but it seems like I'm struggling right now,it hurts more than you can imagine. I know lots of people do miss him and that he had an impact on everyones lives that he touched but i guess I'm being kinda selfish by wanting to talk to him, just him and me one more time, to share a laugh just the two of us one more time, to see his eyes twinkle with mischief as he teases me just one more time. What i wouldn't do to be able to talk to him.......jsut one more time.


In my heart forever
Memories of special times
We shared
I know if I ever need you
I will feel you there

You are now my Angel
That God has sent to me
And even though I can't see you
Close by you will always be

As I look up at the stars at night
My thoughts will be of you
Make a little star twinkle
Just like you said you'd do.


What dreams are made of.....

It feels so weird
Mood:  sad
It's 9.30pm, my Mexican food just arrived and all of a sudden I'm not hungry. Tradition has been i sit and eat and me and Mav blether till i cant take anymore talking or until we run out of things to say, well which never happens. It doesn't feel right, sat here alone, phone silent house to myself and for the first time in a long time at a loss as to what to do. I guess tonight has proven to me just how much me and Mav relied on each others company during quiet times, just a phone call away and one of us would be there even if it was for a quick hello. Its amazing at just how much time in my life is free now he's not here. I don't like it, it feels kinda numb.

So, the funeral on Monday, what I wouldn't do to have Bear here holding my hand, making me feel secure and safe. I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this alone, I know I have the other boys there but it's not the same as Bear. I know how he wises he could be there too, but he will be there, in my thoughts, in my heart and i know in his own special and unique way i know he will be thinking of each and everyone of us.

Ahhh Bear...I don't think I have ever been so incredibly happy, even through all this shit he has managed to put a smile on my face daily, paying attention to every detail, making me feel incredibly special without doing anything but being himself. I love that man more than you could know, I got the fairytale Mav dreamed of, all I have to do now is keep hold of him....and believe me i plan to do that!