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**Daily Journal**
Scribbled by [Stephanie]@[1:30am May 3rd] So, now we are into May. And I believe the Manny drama has come to an end. We were together again, and actually doing good... but this time, I don't even know what happened. Thursday, we went from how I was a beautiful girl, and very intelligent and sweet... That it would be hard to find someone with more to offer... To not even talking on Saturday. Maybe he met someone absolutely perfect. Who knows? Not me. Who cares? Me. Oh well. I have to let go. This time, I don't think he'll be back, but I still would welcome him to do so, anytime. I care very much for him, and all that I told him... was real. Now what he told me on the other hand... I would like to believe, but he never showed me that I should. And when he finally did... Just when I was finally ready to trust him this weekend... he just didn't make time for me. So now I'm stuck. Caring about someone... and yet, single... Anyhow, Luis and I may go out tomorrow... Gil and I went out tonight. He's a real sweetie, my god, SOOO funny. But, they all know who I really wanted. Why the hell did I give my all to someone who treats me like this? I've given him so many chances to leave, but he always comes back, and then drifts. Why?... Why didn't he ever want to stay?Well, have a good day today... I'm off to bed.
Scribbled by [Stephanie]@[9:12am April 12th] OMG! I dreamt of him last night. WTF is wrong with me? I have 4 good guys in my life, that have so much going for them, that asked me out this weekend, and yet, I dreamt of him. I don't understand what happened. I didn't rush him. I didn't love him. I just wanted someone that was honest and faithful. That is all that I asked. Is that so bad? Don't get me wrong, I am sure I was annoying, because I didn't trust him, but he gave me no reason to. Then, last night, he IMed me, just to see what my away message was, I'm guessing, but it's like 'Why'. Why would he even care? I liked him, and I wanted something simple with him, but he was just so confusing, never strait up with me ... Anyhow, if he ever reads this, new entry, and wants to talk again, just to say hi, or what's up, I hope that he won't hesitate. I'm not really talking to anyone right now. I'm gonna take this dating stuff slower. I still know what I want, which is a relationship, but we'll see what happens. However, I met this guy in Naples. He's a real sweetie... I guess finding a guy is not my problem, just getting attached is my problem. I don't feel it for any of them.
Scribbled by [Stephanie]@[6:55pm April 11th] Well, last night was going good, until he got dumb. And we aren't together. But whatever, if he wasn't happy, what can I do. I guess he felt I was rushing him, but that's just because he's not over his ex. It's cool though. I held on for as long as he let me. I knew he wanted to break up from the start, I was just in denial. No matter how much he told me he liked me, or how pretty I was... I just knew he wasn't ready for something serious. Not with me. Anyhow, I'm going out with Roasie from work, and James, Marcus, and a few others, I think we are going to see 'Anger Management.' And tomorrow, I'll most likely be in Miami...... I'll write later... Bye bye.
Scribbled by [Stephanie]@[9:20pm April 9th] So, I never e-mailed him last night, but he had e-mailed me this morning. I thought about him a little at work, and then I came home... he was on-line, and we just talked like everything was normal. I asked once, if he changed his mind, he said no, and we were done with it. I guess I do want to take it just day by day with him. I can't afford to have this whole week happen to me again. So, I'm not gonna rush anything, and just be happy. It's wierd, but when I know that I can come home, and talk to him... My day usually goes well. Anyhow, I hope I see him this weekend... As far as work, it's going great. I really enjoy the teaching field, and am thinking of going into it. Now, if you know me, you would be like "WTF" because since I was in diapers, I've always had my heart and the potential to be a doctor... But, looking at today's society, good teachers are hard to find... so it's something for me to consider. I went shopping with my mom today. Spent only $200.00. But it was sad. Tomorrow would have made history... One week without shopping! And I blew it. Actually, 3 days with no shopping made history for me. :::I must thank all those who supported me, through this hard time, lol. Kelly, for staying on the phone with me, as I drive by the malls, and fight temptation... Manny for occupying this past weekend and my 230 kids for wearing me out this week.::: Anyways, I'm out for the night... Oh and to my "AOL Buddy" I don't take you for granted Eddie. You are a super sweet heart, that deserves a great girl. Even though you are a baby, you're mature, and I really thank you, for being there as I "cried" the past 3 days with my Romeo de la Hoya drama as you say. lol. muah! For real, you are the only person I really talk to on here anymore that is worthy of holding a conversation with. I still say the same as day one, our conversations never mean shit. We go from, suicidal puppies, to favorite pizza toppings, to why people should not have sex "buddies" lol. You and me are like AOL chaos. However, I know lately I've been really rude towards to you, and I'm sorry. I've been really selfish. Please forgive me... xoxox
Scribbled by [Stephanie]@[10:13pm April 8th]
So we talked tonight. Me and him... I guess it went well over all. Didn't end sweet like usual, but he said a lot that meant a great deal to me. When we were first talking, I did assume that it would go one way, but it went the opposite. He told me he did want to be with me. He did want me back. He told me the "if's" and I did agree... but he said he would give me until tomorrow. He told me he was ready to give me his all, but that he didn't want me to end up trying him. Which, I would never do. But, I'm not gonna e-mail him tonight... And I AM gonna wait until tomorrow, to see if he still wants the same thing... I know that I will... It's weird because when we get along, we REALLY get along. But when we let stupid shit bother us, it's like, we are always testing each other. That has to stop I know. But when I see he is serious this time... I know that all the drama will be erased....... Till tomorrow, Goodnight.
Scribbled by [Stephanie]@[Midnight April 7th]
Today has been insane. Where do I start? In fact, this last week, has been odd. I want so badly for all of the confusion in my life, to just simply fade away. People must think that I enjoy drama, but it's just that I make things so simple for people, that they want to complicate things. Example: I really like this guy. We talked for a week on-line, and things were so perfect. Then we met, had a really nice first date, and the rest of the weekend, was drama. I spent 5 days fighting to prove that I was worth a second chance, and did just that. I had a wonderful weekend with him this time. Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday night. I love being in his arms. I love laughing with him or tickling him. I fall asleep with him, and have no other worries. But, then, on Sunday, he tells me he doesn't know what he wants. That he needs closure with his ex. Blah blah blah. And I got dumped. NEVER has that happened before. So I don't know how to react. I'm lost. Then, to confuse me more, he tells me he really likes me, and wants to be with me, he just needs to be sure. I think to myself, SURE OF WHAT? You either want to be with me, or not. I just don't want to get pushy with him. I talk to my mom about him, and she says to just go a day at a time. She's right, but it's hard. He told me today, that when he talks to me, hearing my voice is like comfort... It's like he took the words out of my mouth. I have no clue why I try so hard to be with him, I have so many other guys that want to be with me, and are sure of it. But for some reason, I care about him. OMG. I have never said that. I guess I do CARE for him. My heart tells me, he is just putting me through all of this, to test me. To test how REAL I am. But my mind tells me different. Do I move on? Do I stick around? Something keeps me wanting to see what tomorrow brings. My friend told me tonight, that he hasn't seen me act like this before... and he asked if I was in love. It was kind of a slap to the face. I want to be in love... But I want to be in love with someone that will give it back to me. I want to real to someone. To come home, and be able to tell him of my day... and see if needs anything. Through good and bad I want to be there. I want to be positive when he's negative, and be that extra push he needs, and that little voice in his head, that reminds him he is a good man... I'm too good of a girl to be alone... All I ask of him, and sweetie, if you are reading this, Please mi amore, soon, I need to know what you want from me. A relationship, a friendship, or space from me? For now, I'll give you time to think... But soon, I'll need to know where we are going. Either way, I'll be here for you as long as you need. I told you, I'm not going anywhere. I know what I want... I just want it to be mutual or know if it's not. .................... Goodnight guys.
Scribbled by [Stephanie]@[1:30am May 3rd] So, now we are into May. And I believe the Manny drama has come to an end. We were together again, and actually doing good... but this time, I don't even know what happened. Thursday, we went from how I was a beautiful girl, and very intelligent and sweet... That it would be hard to find someone with more to offer... To not even talking on Saturday. Maybe he met someone absolutely perfect. Who knows? Not me. Who cares? Me. Oh well. I have to let go. This time, I don't think he'll be back, but I still would welcome him to do so, anytime. I care very much for him, and all that I told him... was real. Now what he told me on the other hand... I would like to believe, but he never showed me that I should. And when he finally did... Just when I was finally ready to trust him this weekend... he just didn't make time for me. So now I'm stuck. Caring about someone... and yet, single... Anyhow, Luis and I may go out tomorrow... Gil and I went out tonight. He's a real sweetie, my god, SOOO funny. But, they all know who I really wanted. Why the hell did I give my all to someone who treats me like this? I've given him so many chances to leave, but he always comes back, and then drifts. Why?... Why didn't he ever want to stay?Well, have a good day today... I'm off to bed.
Scribbled by [Stephanie]@[9:12am April 12th] OMG! I dreamt of him last night. WTF is wrong with me? I have 4 good guys in my life, that have so much going for them, that asked me out this weekend, and yet, I dreamt of him. I don't understand what happened. I didn't rush him. I didn't love him. I just wanted someone that was honest and faithful. That is all that I asked. Is that so bad? Don't get me wrong, I am sure I was annoying, because I didn't trust him, but he gave me no reason to. Then, last night, he IMed me, just to see what my away message was, I'm guessing, but it's like 'Why'. Why would he even care? I liked him, and I wanted something simple with him, but he was just so confusing, never strait up with me ... Anyhow, if he ever reads this, new entry, and wants to talk again, just to say hi, or what's up, I hope that he won't hesitate. I'm not really talking to anyone right now. I'm gonna take this dating stuff slower. I still know what I want, which is a relationship, but we'll see what happens. However, I met this guy in Naples. He's a real sweetie... I guess finding a guy is not my problem, just getting attached is my problem. I don't feel it for any of them.
Scribbled by [Stephanie]@[6:55pm April 11th] Well, last night was going good, until he got dumb. And we aren't together. But whatever, if he wasn't happy, what can I do. I guess he felt I was rushing him, but that's just because he's not over his ex. It's cool though. I held on for as long as he let me. I knew he wanted to break up from the start, I was just in denial. No matter how much he told me he liked me, or how pretty I was... I just knew he wasn't ready for something serious. Not with me. Anyhow, I'm going out with Roasie from work, and James, Marcus, and a few others, I think we are going to see 'Anger Management.' And tomorrow, I'll most likely be in Miami...... I'll write later... Bye bye.
Scribbled by [Stephanie]@[9:20pm April 9th] So, I never e-mailed him last night, but he had e-mailed me this morning. I thought about him a little at work, and then I came home... he was on-line, and we just talked like everything was normal. I asked once, if he changed his mind, he said no, and we were done with it. I guess I do want to take it just day by day with him. I can't afford to have this whole week happen to me again. So, I'm not gonna rush anything, and just be happy. It's wierd, but when I know that I can come home, and talk to him... My day usually goes well. Anyhow, I hope I see him this weekend... As far as work, it's going great. I really enjoy the teaching field, and am thinking of going into it. Now, if you know me, you would be like "WTF" because since I was in diapers, I've always had my heart and the potential to be a doctor... But, looking at today's society, good teachers are hard to find... so it's something for me to consider. I went shopping with my mom today. Spent only $200.00. But it was sad. Tomorrow would have made history... One week without shopping! And I blew it. Actually, 3 days with no shopping made history for me. :::I must thank all those who supported me, through this hard time, lol. Kelly, for staying on the phone with me, as I drive by the malls, and fight temptation... Manny for occupying this past weekend and my 230 kids for wearing me out this week.::: Anyways, I'm out for the night... Oh and to my "AOL Buddy" I don't take you for granted Eddie. You are a super sweet heart, that deserves a great girl. Even though you are a baby, you're mature, and I really thank you, for being there as I "cried" the past 3 days with my Romeo de la Hoya drama as you say. lol. muah! For real, you are the only person I really talk to on here anymore that is worthy of holding a conversation with. I still say the same as day one, our conversations never mean shit. We go from, suicidal puppies, to favorite pizza toppings, to why people should not have sex "buddies" lol. You and me are like AOL chaos. However, I know lately I've been really rude towards to you, and I'm sorry. I've been really selfish. Please forgive me... xoxox
Scribbled by [Stephanie]@[10:13pm April 8th]
So we talked tonight. Me and him... I guess it went well over all. Didn't end sweet like usual, but he said a lot that meant a great deal to me. When we were first talking, I did assume that it would go one way, but it went the opposite. He told me he did want to be with me. He did want me back. He told me the "if's" and I did agree... but he said he would give me until tomorrow. He told me he was ready to give me his all, but that he didn't want me to end up trying him. Which, I would never do. But, I'm not gonna e-mail him tonight... And I AM gonna wait until tomorrow, to see if he still wants the same thing... I know that I will... It's weird because when we get along, we REALLY get along. But when we let stupid shit bother us, it's like, we are always testing each other. That has to stop I know. But when I see he is serious this time... I know that all the drama will be erased....... Till tomorrow, Goodnight.
Scribbled by [Stephanie]@[Midnight April 7th]
Today has been insane. Where do I start? In fact, this last week, has been odd. I want so badly for all of the confusion in my life, to just simply fade away. People must think that I enjoy drama, but it's just that I make things so simple for people, that they want to complicate things. Example: I really like this guy. We talked for a week on-line, and things were so perfect. Then we met, had a really nice first date, and the rest of the weekend, was drama. I spent 5 days fighting to prove that I was worth a second chance, and did just that. I had a wonderful weekend with him this time. Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday night. I love being in his arms. I love laughing with him or tickling him. I fall asleep with him, and have no other worries. But, then, on Sunday, he tells me he doesn't know what he wants. That he needs closure with his ex. Blah blah blah. And I got dumped. NEVER has that happened before. So I don't know how to react. I'm lost. Then, to confuse me more, he tells me he really likes me, and wants to be with me, he just needs to be sure. I think to myself, SURE OF WHAT? You either want to be with me, or not. I just don't want to get pushy with him. I talk to my mom about him, and she says to just go a day at a time. She's right, but it's hard. He told me today, that when he talks to me, hearing my voice is like comfort... It's like he took the words out of my mouth. I have no clue why I try so hard to be with him, I have so many other guys that want to be with me, and are sure of it. But for some reason, I care about him. OMG. I have never said that. I guess I do CARE for him. My heart tells me, he is just putting me through all of this, to test me. To test how REAL I am. But my mind tells me different. Do I move on? Do I stick around? Something keeps me wanting to see what tomorrow brings. My friend told me tonight, that he hasn't seen me act like this before... and he asked if I was in love. It was kind of a slap to the face. I want to be in love... But I want to be in love with someone that will give it back to me. I want to real to someone. To come home, and be able to tell him of my day... and see if needs anything. Through good and bad I want to be there. I want to be positive when he's negative, and be that extra push he needs, and that little voice in his head, that reminds him he is a good man... I'm too good of a girl to be alone... All I ask of him, and sweetie, if you are reading this, Please mi amore, soon, I need to know what you want from me. A relationship, a friendship, or space from me? For now, I'll give you time to think... But soon, I'll need to know where we are going. Either way, I'll be here for you as long as you need. I told you, I'm not going anywhere. I know what I want... I just want it to be mutual or know if it's not. .................... Goodnight guys.
