Limericks T




Daily Ditty 133  Tuesday, 28 October 1997


In English there's three kinds of "t*"
Which y* CAN'T spell, I'll bet you a br*,
In lines like the first.
Y*'ll just work up a thirst
Y* t* 'll find this tr* 'fore you're thr*
Copyright John Miller Talco TX 75487 Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.

Links:

Index 


T - see ABC

Links:

Index 


One day by a tree at Tabarka,
Her husband was heard to remark, "A
Fine head of hair!
But I much prefer
The curls that are denser and darker."
Harold C. Bibby Index 


A conservative lady named Tabor,
Had a date with her radical neighbor.
They argued all night,
On the left and the right.
In the end, though, he brought her to labor.
John Ciardi Index 


Said a worn-out young fellow named Tabor,
To his nymphomaniacal neighbor:
"In sex I delight,
But a dozen a night,
Comes under the heading of slave labor."
L3 777 Index 


A promiscuous housewife named Tabors
Is serviced by all her male neighbors.
Said she, "Though it's boring
To do all this whoring,
It does sort of lighten my labors."
L3 197 Index 


Said an old lady called Mary Tabott,
"I wish I had teeth in my twat.
For just think" said she,
"how nice it would be
to keep all the pricks that I got."
Index 


There's a wealthy old man of Tabreez
With a maudlin affection for fleas.
He'll grin with delight 
When they scratch him and bite -
Perverted old man of Tabreez.
Thakeray and/or friends, P Sept. '95 Index 


Tacoma - see Cromer

Links:

Index 


They say that ex-president Taft
When hit by a golf ball, once laughed
And said, "I'm not sore,
But although he called "Fore'
The place where he hit me was aft."
Index 


Said a madam named Mae down in Taft:
"We'll take on a man fore and aft.
But we don't think it's smart
In the rear - when you fart,
A big pecker will cut off your draft."
L3 1061 Index 


A clever young fellow named Taft,
Caught his death in a Vietnamese draft.
His last words were, "Shit!
I've been shot!" which shows wit.
I wonder why nobody laughed.
John Ciardi Index 


There was an old man of Tagore
Who tried out his cook on the floor;
He used Bridget's twidget
To fidget his digit,
And now she won't cook any more.
HHH p66 - Does this mean anything. Unworthy. L1 415 is slightly better and has: 'Who tried out his cook as a whore' Index 


There was an old man of Tagore,
Whose tool was a yard long or more.
So he wore the damn thing
In a surgical sling
To keep it from wiping the floor.
L2 245 Index 


Tagore - see Lahore

Links:

Index 


There was a young maid of Tahiti
Whom the neighbors considered quite flahiti,
For if Monday was fine
She would hang on the line
An extremely diaphanous nahiti.
B-G p179 Index 


There once was a man from Tahiti
Who always wrote lots of graphiti.
He sprayed on the walls
The top police mans balls
And said "Hey! They're not very meaty."
Adam Macgreggor and T.A.T. Davie, Dec. 1998 Index 


'Monsieur Gaugin? 'E's gone to Tahiti,
Where ze girls are so friendly and pretty;
'E paints them tout bare,
Wiz zair lovely black 'air,
And bodies zo - 'ow you say? "meaty"!'
Stanley J. Sharpless, EOP p157 Index 


Don't think that the girls of Tahiti
Are sexy.  They're bug-eyed and meaty;
And toothless and hairy
And have Beri-Beri,
And tattoos that look like graffiti.
Theo M. Heller, P Nov 94 - on the monthly theme - Island Paradises Index 


There was a young man from Tahiti,
Who went for a swim with his sweetie,
And as he pursued her,
A big barracuda
Ran off with his masculinity.
L1 577 Index 


Said [an ape | a monk], as he swung by his tail,
To [his [offspring | children] both | the little monks,] female and male:
'From your offspring, my dears,
In [a couple of | not too many | some millions of] years,
May evolve[emerge] a professor at Yale.'
Bennett Cerf (1898 -1971), "Out on a Limerick", EOP p226 Index 



Daily Ditty 18, Saturday, 28 June 1997


Connoisseur, if allowed, of fine tail
I ogle, when able, young quail;
But my wife is no fool
She enforces one rule:
"You can look all you like, but no Braille!"
Copyright John Miller Talco TX 75487 Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.

Links:

Index 


Becky [who was] engaged to a tailor,
Went out one night with a sailor.
"Oh my gosh!" said her ma.
"Oi, Oi!" said her pa,
"It's too late, but I'll certainly whale her."
Index 


The was a young lady of Tain	
Who took down her pants on a train.
But a handsome young porter
Saw more than her aughter
And asked her to do it again
L2 100 has the lady of Spain Index 


It needn't have ribaldry's taint
Or strive to make everyone faint.
There's a type that's demure
And perfectly pure,
Though it helps quite a lot if it ain't.
Don Marquis on the Limerick, EOP 21, B-G p21 Index 


There was a young girl from Taipei
Who was voted the Queen of the May.
But the pole she went 'round
Wasn't stuck in the ground,
But attached to a young man named Wei.
L3 466 Index 


If my offer you're tempted to take,
We can meet down at Table Rock Lake.
On the water, it's nice.
(A hotel would suffice) -
I promise[an orgasm | orgasms] I'll fake.
Index 


Though the Vatican says, "All it takes
Is the will-power to put on the brakes."
And we know "Interruptus"
Would never corrupt us,
This conception is prone to mistakes.
Barrie Collins Index 


We will need a computer to tally
All the cowboys who scouted our Sally.
There were some on her mountains
And some on her fountains,
And quite a few down in the valley.
Index 


Tamalpais - see Machias

Links:

Index 


A tourist who stopped in Tangier,
Bedded down with the fat old Emir.
She remarked, "His great weenie,
With which he's no meanie,
Beats all the darned sights they have here."
L3 679 Index 


There's a priest, quite perverse, in Tangier
Who is fond of an Arab boy's rear.
Though it surely would shock
All the folks in his flock,
Ecumenically speaking, he's queer.
L3 1163 Index 


I no longer want a deep tan.
I've no need to catch me a man.
Disconcern with my belly
Has turned it to jelly,
And gone is the exercise plan.
Anita Manceau-Baddel Index 


A couple lay down by the Tanit,
And it was the girl who began it.
She said, "Come and nestle
Your mast in my vessel,
And, when you are ready, please man it."
Harold C. Bibby Index 


Tanjore - see Jaipur

Links:

Index 


Tut-Ankh-Amen, best known as old Tankh,
Was a Pharaoh of infinite rank;
But his sarcophagus
Wouldn't cause all this fuss
If his name had been Freddy or Frank.
E. Ridgewell Index 


A pervey young fellow named Tanna
Perverted an orangutan, Hannah.
But he lost his thing
When that old orang
Peeled and ate Tanna's banana!
Wildman

Links:

Index 


An old man of Texas named Tanners
Was notorious for his bad manners.
When he noticed the start
On an imminent fart,
He'd announce it with bullhorns and banners.
Index 


There was an old man of Tantivy,
Who followed his son to the privy.
He lifted the lid
To see what he did,
And found that it smelt of Capivi.
The Pearl - Issue No. 2 - August, 1879, L1 476, Capivi (copaiba) - a old remedy for gonorrhea Index 


A proper young lady of Taos,
Had her panties trimmed neatly with lace.
But a vulgar young man
Raped her roughly, and ran,
And left them pure panties in chaos.
L2 559 Index 


A hacker who screwed a mag tape,
Was caught and convicted of rape.
To jail, he did go,
From which, to his woe,
He couldn't get out with .
- the escape key on a computer keyboard. Index 



FAMILY VALUES


An haute-contre, Lorenzo Tapette
Kept a monkey named Bill as a pet.
While Tapette sang Couperin
Bill would bang on a pan;
Then they'd both surf for porn on the Net.
Trobador@AOL.COM (Joel Cohen) Index 


In Glascow, a tender tapeworm,
Was so starved that he barely could squirm.
Until his host finally
Was buggered divinely,
And Jimmie had vaseline and sperm.
L2 402

Links:

Index 


There was an old man of Tarentum
Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em.
When they asked him the cost
Of what he had lost,
He replied, "I can't say, I just rent 'em."
Index 


An earnest Young leftie named Tariq,
Blackballed when put up for the Garrick,
Observed with a groan:
'These balls are my own,
I consider such conduct barbaric.'
Bernard Levin, EOP p91 Index 


There was an unscrupulous Tar
Who met a sweet thing in a bar.
To get to her quicker,
He plied her with liquor.
And now, she's an unwedded Ma.
Versifier, P Jan. '96 Index 


A forward young fellow named Tarr
Had a habit of goosing his Ma;
"Go pester your sister,"
She said when he kissed her,
"I've trouble enough with your Pa."
HHH p45, B-G p179. Good scansion but leaves out the final link in the chain, Pa-sister.

Links:

Index 


Though a biblical strip-teasing tart,
Salome was a girl with great heart.
The truth is that instead,
Of John the Baptist's head,
She had asked a more pertinent part.
Index 


Lord Randall, on top of his tart,
Let a horrible, fizzling fart.
Said the tart, "Now, m'lord,
I'm taking your word,
You did not follow through on the spot."
L1 749, reference to billiars where the players' balls are 'white' and 'spot'. Index 


There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched for his wife,
and she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt in all Tartary!'
Lear1 95 Index 


There was a young fellow of Tarsus,
Who felt that he needed catharsis.
To achieve the purge royal,
He took croton oil,
Discovering, too late, 'twas for horses.
Index 


Tashkent

Links:

Index 


There was an old man of Tashkent,
Who slept with twelve goats in a tent.
When asked, "Do they smell?"
He said, "Oh yes, quite well,
But so far they don't mind my scent."
Lady to Dr. Johnson: 'Sir, you smell.' Dr. Johnson: 'No, madam; You smell. I stink.'

Links:

Index 


There was a young whore from Tashkent
Who managed an immoral tent.
Day out and day in
She lay writhing in sin,
Giving thanks it was ten months to Lent.
L1 416, or (line 3): 'With her kith and her kin' Index 


An old Arab who lived in Tashkent,
Harbored twenty fat wives in his tent.
He tried potions a plenty
To run through the twenty,
But he never made more than a dent.
Index 


The Bishop of Tassafaronga,
Could stand his seclusion no longa.
His habits monastic
Were very elastic -
But, unhappily, so was his donga.
L2 923 Index 


There were once two young people of taste,
Who were beautiful down to the waist;
So they limited love
To the regions above,
And thus remained perfectly chaste.
Monica Curtis, EOP p216 Index 


There was a young lady whose taste
Ran to chain mail and locks 'round the waist.
She was charming, I'd say,
In a general way,
But rather obsessively chaste.
John Ciardi Index 


There was a young lady of taste,
Who kept herself virgin and chaste,
And stoutly defended
With bear-traps suspended,
By filigree chains from her waist.
Index 


A pretty stripteaser named Tasty
Used to use a live clam for a pasty.
'Til working one night
It tried a small bite
And found she-food to be mighty tasty.
John Meyer Index 


There once was a brave knight named Tate,
Who was golloping to screw Lady Kate.
But his hopes were dashed,
Into the moat he splashed!
'Cause Kate lowered the drawbridge too late!
Lawrence Craft, Vol 4 - FLOWERY KNIGHTS, 3 Index 


There was a young person named Tate
Who went out to dine at 8.08,
But I will not relate
What that person named Tate
And his tête-à-tête
Carolyn Wells, EOP p258, Oxford Guide to Word Games, Tony Augarde, 1984, p170. Index 



On Stanley Spencer's Resurrection


The conclusion I reach at the Tate
When I stand by this work and debate
On the stiffs easing out,
Is that quite without doubt,
They are all of them going to be late.
Tallis, EOP p156 Index 


A gigantic young crewman named Tate
Has a pecker whose weight is so great
That his dates fear to screw.
What's a stroke oar to do?
He's reduced to just pulling his weight.
PB, Jun 75 Index 


Said a horny young pirate named Tate:
"There are eight girls in port whom I date;
And I sure have a ball,
Since I'm banging them all -
Tearing off all those pieces of eight!"
PB, Dec 75 Index 


Said a Spanish Main pirate named Tate:
"There are eight senoritas I date;
And I'm having a ball,
Since I'm banging them all -
Tearing off all those pieces of eight!"
PB Jan 82 Index 


Tats - see Wells

Links:

Index 


Tatt - see tree

Links:

Index 


There once was a lady, tattooed,
Who never screwed in the nude.
She said of her etching,
They're all very fetching
But some are decidedly lewd.
Irish, lilsil2@aol.com Index 


A neurotic young fellow named Tatum
Found regular sex didn't sate 'em.
But wherever he went
He was more than content
When he found some big guy to [fellate | phallate] 'im.
L3 1062 Index 


There once was a letter called tau
But no-one could figure out how
Some people were sure
It was pronounced 'tor',
But arguments still persist now.
From:news@zeus.usq.edu.au Index 


My teachers, through life, always taught
That logic should always be sought.
But then I just laughed
When I spelled the word "draught."
I think I shall soon be distraught.
Al Willis, P Dec 95 Index 



Daily Ditty 45, Friday, 1 August 1997


From your childhood I'm sure you've been taught
"Love thy neighbor" 's a praiseworthy thought
Let me as your friend
Add a phrase to the end:
"Love thy neighbor, but please don't get caught!"
Copyright John Miller Talco TX 75487 Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.

Links:

Index 


A man of natal sign Taurus,
Joined up with a folk-singing chorus,
But he didn't last long,
For in every song,
He croaked like an old brontosaurus.
Index 


There was a young fellow named Taylor,
Who seduced a respectable sailor.
When they put him in jail
He worked out the bail
By licking the parts of the jailer.
L2 322 Index 


At the corner of Sutter and Taylor,
Lay a girl being fucked by a sailor.
From the crowd came loud cheers,
(Except for two queers)
As they watched his great instrument nail her.
L3 779, Sutter and Taylor - location probably San Francisco Index 


A great surgical genius named Taylor
Grafted tits on the back of a sailor.
If his ass had held out,
There is hardly a doubt
That the cash would have filled up a whaler.
L3 1063 Index 



On Walter Sickert's Ennui


There we was, and wanting our tea,
And him painting Hubby and me;
My, we was bored!
They showed it abroad,
And now they call it 'On We'.
P.E.A. EOP p160 Index 


I sat next the Duchess [at tea | of Lee].
[She enquired | Who asked], "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with quick[some] wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
[Which I fancy | And felt it] was one up | think, left the honours] to me.

When asked by the Duchess at tea
If an eggplant I ever did see,
I said "Yes," rather bored;
She said, "Sir, you've explored
Up a hen's ass much further than me."
Probably a parody on tea. Mc p97, HHH p113 with minor vars. L1 204. CPV 159 starts: 'Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea/' L1 205

Links:

Index 


I sat next the Duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be:
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me!

When I thought of this Duchess affair,
It suddenly struck me: 'How rare
Are abnormal vitals
In ladies with titles,
So I'm glad after all I was there.'
Woodrow Wilson, President of the US, B-G p72, P Aug 94, L2 872, EOP p167 queries the authorship. Second verse in EOP p167. Limericks such as the following further attest to the Duchess' propensity for creating awkward situations at teatime: 'I sat next to the Duchess at tea/ It was just as I'd feared it would be:/ Put to sleep by a bore,/ She peed on the floor/ And everyone thought it was me!' (Vassar Smith - P Aug 94) Dr Limerick doesn't like 'me' where there should be a Nominative and suggests: 'I dined next to the Crowned Priness Di./ And observed things soon going awry:/ Her rumblings internal/ Were something infernal,/ And everyone thought it was I!' Index 


Two maidens were seated at tea,
Discussing the things that might be.
"I think I'll wed Willie,"
Said Molly to Milly,
"That is, if he asks me, you see."
Index 


"It is nice when a young lady has tea."
Said Jane, "Though it may be past tea,
These revels and spasms
Of tealess orgasms
End up, I'm afraid, being nasty."
Isaac Asimov Index 


A prominent A and M teacher
Was arrested for striking a preacher.
The preacher accused
That a co-ed was used,
In the gym, on a rickety bleacher.
Index 


There once was a fine music teacher,
With one undistinguishing feature.
Whether young or old,
All her students were told,
They were good, and all did believe her.
Larry Dahl Index 


There was a young lady from Teal
Who was raped in the lake by an eel.
One morning at dawn
She gave birth to a prawn,
Two crabs, and a small baby seal.
L1 293

Links:

Index 


There was a young lady qui e tearful.
Of [sucking a cock | giving head], she was fearful.
In a moment of dread
She just turned her head.
And, boy! Did she get an earful!
Index 


Said the horse, who was almost in tears,
To the cowboy who herded the steers:
"I beg of you, mate,
If you must masturbate,
Please try not to come in my ears."
L3 1333 Index 


At whist drives and strawberry teas,
Fran would giggle and show off her knees;
But when she was alone
She'd drink eau de cologne,
And weep from a sense of unease.
Edward Gorey Index 


Teasy - see chums

Links:

Index 


A brilliant young NASA technician
Showed his wife an exciting position.
She replied, "It's the top!
Now if only you'd stop
Yelling "5...4...3...2...1...Ignition!"
Stargazer Index 


After lunch the old Duchess of Teck
Observed, 'If you'll listen one sec.,
We've found a man's tool
In the small swimming pool,
So would all of you gentlemen check?'
EOP p202, Mc p105 Index 


There was a young fellow named Ted,
[Who] had a radio put in his head.
Long wave or short
He did it for sport -
And to improve his reception in bed.
Index 


Said a just-wed professor named Ted,
To a redhead coed in his bed,
"The weather's so snowy,
And gusty and blowy,
Won't you swallow my pride, dear, instead?"
Index 


A Italian instructor called Ted
Was wonderfully active in bed.
But one night he'd a virgin
With aversion to mergin',
So he buggered her bum till it bled.
L3 1064 Index 


A randy young student called Teddy
With his acolytes used to make ready,
Till the snoopy old Head
Caught the bugger in bed,
Up the arse of his twelve-year-old steady.
L3 1065 Index 


There was an old fellow named Teedie
Whose clothes at best looked so seedy
That his friends in dismay
Hollered out, "Oh!  I say!"
At the dirty old fellow named Teedie.
In an April 1873 letter, Ellie (Elliot) Roosevelt, then 13 years old, was writing about the unkempt appearance and absentmindedness of his brother Teedie (the future president), who was two years older. P Aug 94 Index 


The puritan people of Teeling,
Express all their horror with feeling.
When they see that a chair,
Has all its legs bare,
They look straight away to the ceiling.
Index 


A delinquent at twelve, this teenager
Had faults (none were minor) all major.
She stole and she lied,
And she did matricide,
And rather than change her, I'd cage her.
Al Willis, P Jan '96 monthly theme: Juvenile Delinquents Index 


There's a starlet who's still in her teens,
Who's adept at removing her jeans.
And in X-rated flicks,
So accomplished with pricks,
That she steals all the pictures obscenes.
Index 


Those youngsters not out of their teens,
Are impatient of lectures by Deans,
On restraining desires
And banking the fires
That burn in their skirts and their jeans.

They go on exerting their wills,
They use neither condoms nor pills,
They does what they pleases,
Catch ghastly diseases,
And their poor parents pick up the bills.
L3 198-199 Index 


Tees - see Dumfries

Links:

Index 


tell - see Vice-President

Links:

Index 


Our teacher last lecture did tell
The maximum temperature of Hell.
But add sinners to sulfur,
The boiling point alters.
Hell would be hotter to dwell.
a lake of liquid sulfur establishes the max temp Index 


Though Nell's belly is swelled, and she ain't telling
With whom or with what she's been helling.
But that nasty Miz Boggs
Claims the girl diddles dogs,
And it's due to a poodle from Snelling.
L3 1334 Index 


Since the church hired Jane, a temporary,
Her reviews have been rated exemplary.
But the presaged disaster -
She was found with the pastor
In a compromising position missionary.
Thomas G. Keller, P Aug 94, MONTHLY THEME: Hired Help Index 


Saint Anthony, in his temptation,
Was urged to enjoy fornication
By bitches with nipples
Like colliery tipples,
And clefts like the Cunt of Creation.
L3 1165 Index 


The boys of today at age ten
Have sex over and over again.
A very high ratio
Have had fellatio
And they take every licking like men.
Tom Patton, P Jan '96 monthly theme: Juvenile Delinquents Index 


There was a girl from the five and ten
Who diddled herself with a fountain pen.
The top came off,
The ink went wild,
And now she's the mother of a coloured child."
A pseudo-limerick, L2 584, Var.: 'St. Louis woman, she had a yen for men/.../And now she's nursing a boggy-woggy child.'

Links:

Index 


The bride, pinioned down in Room Ten,
Sent out for a meal, now and then.
Said she, "Sex is sweet,
But I still have to eat;
Will you slide off a minute, please, Ben?"
L3 200 Index 


ten - see Chaldees

Links:

Index 


There was a young boy of ten
who stuck his dick in a hen
The hen said ouch
and the boy said crouch
'cause I'm gonna stick it in you again.
Scott and Roger c. 1970 from Michael S. Feagans Index 


Like scorpions, limericks tend to deny any plans to offend - but then stab their prey in a devilish way with the stinger they hide at the end.
Norm Storer, P Aug 94 Index 


If you like your cunt young, tight, and tender,
For a really wild sexual bender,
You'll find the best tail
Is on San Quentin Quail,
So pick up a young chick and up-ender.
L3 569

Links:

Index 


A young Harvard man, sweet and tender,
Went out with some queers on a bender.
He came back in two days
In a sexual haze,
No longer quite sure of his gender.
L3 1066 Index 


Said a French maiden, "Je suis trop tendre
Viv-a-vis with the opposite genre:
But some day mayhap
I will find a nice chap
Who'll instruct me in double-entendre."
Conrad Aiken Index 


The Arts Council of South Tennessee
Gave a grant to a man named McPhee
Who, while weilding a hose,
Sang Machaut through his nose,
As he watered his public with tea.
Index 


A young girl who was no good at tennis
But at swimming was really a menace,
Took pains to explain,
'It depends how you train;
I was [once] a streetwalker in Venice.'
B-G p179, L1 417, EOP p215 Index 


A surgeon was filled wih great tension,
Trying to sew on a thing we can't mention.
He stitched and he sewed,
Used all the skills that he knowed,
But the wee thing won't stand at attention.
a US cause célebre, John Wayne Bobbitt had his penis cut off by his wife, Lorena, who threw it out of her car.

Links:

Index 


tent - see Achilles

Links:

Index 


I admit, when I saw the dead terrier,
My impulse, at first, was to bury her.
But I started to feel
That shed make a nice meal,
If Id properly season and sherry her
Henry Fitzgerald Index 


In the back seat, Marlene was a terror,
But taking the pill seemed to scare her.
Said she, "Goodness sakes,
I don't make mistakes."
In nine months, she gave birth to an error.
PB Aug. '71 Index 


In a book that I know, I hate Tess,
Who is not found in Porgy and Bess.
The Lord of the Rings
Is a much better thing,
'Cause I think Thomas Hardy's a mess.
Index 


There once was a girl named Tess
Had herself in a terrible mess.
She offered a fuck
For a fresh U.S. buck,
But found she was worth even less.
Index 


There was a young lady called Tessa,
A quite unrepentant transgressor.
When sent to the priest,
The lewd little beast,
Began to undress her confessor.
Index 


test - see perusing

Links:

Index 


There was an old man at the Terminus,
Whose bush and whose bum were all verminous.
They said: "You sale Boche!
You really must wash
Before you start planting your sperm in us."
L1 477, or: 'Said the girls, "Oh my gosh,/ You really must wash"' or 'They said, "You old dub,/ You really must scrub"' Index 


A herder who hailed from Terre Haute
Fell in love with a young nanny goat;
The daughter he sired
Was greatly admired
For her beautiful angora coat.
B-G p179, EOP p227 Index 


There once was a feisty young terrier,
Who liked to bite girls on the derrière.
He'd yip and he'd yap,
Then he'd leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derrière., the merrier.
Index 


When a certain young woman named Terry,
Got drunk on a small sip of sherry,
She'd insist upon games,
With embarrassing names,
Not in any refined dictionary.
Isaac Asimov Index 


terse - see sublime

Links:

Index 


North of Dallas-Ft. Worth, Sur and Tex
Would ride bareback on their horses' necks.
And always they'd fain
To give their steeds free rein
While engaging in unbridled sex.
Loren C. Fitzhugh, P Monthly Theme, Sep 95 - How the West Was Won Index 


A certain young sailor named Tex
Avoided premarital sex
By thinking of Jesus
And penile diseases
And beating his meat below decks.
Index 



An Extended Limerick


I've just met a braw Scottish-Texan
He wears spurs and a kilt and a stetson
He eats haggis with steak
He's called Jock, sometimes Jake
Downs whisky-milkshake
Rides a Sheltie, f'guidsake
And all the girls watch as he gets on.

There's a Texan of Scottish descent,
Who has a peculiar bent.
A Sheltie's his steed.
Getting on's quite a deed,
With his kilt, and gals prying intent.
AJTD, August 1997. I composed this after being told by Les Stewart, a Texan that he was of Scottish descent. In case you don't know a Sheltie is a sturdy Shetland pony, usually standing about 3 feet high at the shoulder. The second, true, limerick is by fazed@spectra.net (Frank)

Links:

Index 


There was a young genius in Texas,
Who could flex his own solar plexus.
It made his ding bounce,
And he caught every ounce
Of his magical spraying of sexus.
L1 706 Index 


Said an angry young lady from Texas:
"I wish there were only two sexes.
Today, it appears,
There are four - counting queers -
And they grab off the men just to vex us!"
L3 1067 Index 


A very strange person from Texas,
Has the sexual parts of both sexes.
When he tries self-abuse,
Think what he can use,
And think of her Freudian complexes.
Index 


Said a bright young teenager from Texas,
"I'm certainly glad there's two sexes.
For fucking's a pleasure
That boys and girls treasure;
It prevents all those Freudian complexes."
L3 201 Index 


A prissy young preacher from Texas
Was impaled on a prurient nexus -
When he took down his pants
In a pissoir in France -
By a shaft up his posterior plexus.
Glenn F. Baker Index 


Said a certain young fellow from Texas,
"You can't dream how extremely it vexes
My mother that I,
However I try,
Stay attracted to both of the sexes."
Isaac Asimov Index 


A clergyman read from his text,
How Samson was scissored and vexed.
Then a barber arose,
From his sweet summer doze,
Got rattled and shouted, "Who's next?"
Index 


textually - see birth

Links:

Index 


A doctor by name Thackery
Was sued for cryogenic quackery.
The patient for a week
When she took a leak
Pissed nothing but frozen daiquiry.
Tom Patton, P Apr 95 Index 


There was a Greek sailor from Thalia,
Who had several ways to regale ya.
The best thing about him,
Was a dainty small quim,
Just above his huge male genitalia.
L3 1068 Index 


A lady who lived by the Thames
Had a gorgeous collection of ghames;
She had them re-set
In a large coronet
And a number of small diadhames.
B-G p179, LD p10 Index 


There was an Old Man of Thames Ditton,
Who called for something to sit on;
But they brought him a hat,
and said, 'Sit upon that,
You abruptious man of Thames Ditton!'
Lear2 95 Index 


A lady musician named Tharp,
Got her bust tangled up in her harp.
Though protests arose,
She was forced to transpose,
Bach's G-Minor Suite to C-sharp.
Index 



A reverse limerick reply to one of Lear's


My beard's overcrowded. Now that
I freely admit,
But why should Lear sit
In judgement? He might find a bat
If he lifted his runcible hat.
Richard Unwin, EOP p251

Links:

Index 



Daily Ditty 148 Wednesday, 12 Novenber 1997


Though the Maestro's contention was that
New Wave music was right where it's at
There was strong opposition
To his composition,
"Concerto for Fart in B-flat"
Copyright John Miller Talco TX 75487 Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.

Links:

Index 



The Great Global Warming Limerick Debate


"The topic's a hot one at that,"
Said the first, putting on his straw hat.
"Evidence had been forming
That this globe is warming,"
And the sweat dribbled down his cravat.

His opponent, unflappably cool,
Said, "Please don't take me for a fool.
If the temperature's rising,
It isn't surprising.
It goes up, then goes down, as a rule."

"Sure, cycles exist", said the first,
Gulping water to stave off his thirst,
"But our excess pollution's
A new contribution;
For this reason, I fear the worst."

"Just put all your worries on ice",
Said the other, while tossing some dice,
"I'd much rather wait
Take a chance with our fate.
Till the bill is due, why pay the price."

The outcome, my friend's up to you.
To find out what side really's more true.
Before more time passes,
Analyze all the gases,
And help figure out what to do.
Carolyn Chase Index 


I know how you feel about that!
Although my choad's long, firm and fat,
And my babe treats me well,
Well, I'm lazy as hell,
And I'm usually replaced by a bat.
Copyright H. Whelchel, Virginia Beach VA 23452 (Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.) Index 


There once was an artist named Thayer
Who was really a cubist for fair.
He looked all his life
To find him a wife
Possessed of a cunt that was square.
L1 780 Index 


Her eyes the Glow-worme lend thee,
The Shooting-Starres attend thee;
And the elves also
Whose little eyes glow
Like the sparke of fire, befriend thee.
Robert Herrick, B-G p33, P Aug 95 Index 



THE SOPHISTERICKS:


What is Nature?  or Truth?  Who can probe them?
And Philosophers?  (Once we disrobe them!)
Since their skill's just persuasion,
Why not skip the evasion,
And admit that's the name of our Program?!

Now while sophist meant "wise"- at the time -
Who says wisdom's a gift that's divine?
So they charged to purvey it!
That's their right; who'd gainsay it?
(And who'd doubt it's at least worth a dime?!)

On the other hand, skipping pretensions,
This new wisdom's mere grasp of conventions:
What persuades an Athenian
Might just strike an Armenian
As merely "sophist" inventions!

So the Sophists made some people nervous.
Nonetheless, they provided a service.
For though non-metaphysical,
They at least became quizical
About values that lie on our surface.
Rhyme or Reason: A Limerick History of Philosophy, P May 95

Links:

Index 


A young lass with small breasts wished to raise them;
When the guys saw their size, it would faze them.
Then one, Marc by name,
Said he swore that he came
Not to seize her berries, but to praise them!
Stargazer - a spoonerick Index 


theme - see acknowledged

Links:

Index 


Jane got drunk, then passed out, and then,
She was raped by two thousand men.
And when whe awoke,
To the two thousandth bloke,
She said, "Not bad.  Let's do it again!"
Ogden Nield Index 


then - see it

Links:

Index 


There once was a Greek named Theopolis,
who lived quite near the Acropolis.
But he soon moved away,
to the U.S. of A.,
and settled in Min-ne-op-olis.
Index 



MY SEX THERAPIST:


I said to my Sex Therapist,
"My problem is getting me pissed."
To first get her fee,
She orgasmed me
Then, "Go see a urologist."

My Monday night Sex Therapist
Her "How to Erections Get" list.
I phoned Tuesday morn
And asked her, forlorn,
"On number nine - left or right fist?"

My Monday night Sex Therapist
Her "How to Erections Get" list.
If you send to me
An SASE . . .
Meanwhile exercise either wrist.
     Brown envelope, if you insist..
          Includes tricks that Dr. Ruth missed.
               The dangers of "Quick Reverse Twist."
                    For Five - a discreet pharmacist.
                         See footnote - UP YOUR ANALyst.
Irving Superior, P Aug 94 Index 



Over There


Oh, the peters they grow small, over there,
Oh, the peters they grow small, over there,
Oh, the peters they grow small,
Because they work 'em for a fall,
And then eats 'em, tops and all, over there.

Oh, the pussies they are small, over there,
Oh, the pussies they are small, over there,
Oh, the pussies they are small,
But they take 'em short and tall,
And then burns their pricks and all, over there.

Oh, I wish I was a pimp, over there,
Oh, I wish I was a pimp, over there,
Oh, I wish I was a pimp,
For I'd give the boys a crimp,
With all my whorey blimps, over there.

Oh, they had a squirt of clap, over there,
Oh, they had a squirt of clap, over there,
Oh, they had a squirt of clap,
It was a potent clap trap,
And it burnt our pecker's cap, over there.
L2 847-850, only included this rubbish with extreme reluctance. Index 


The intelligent beings are out there
Mike Stauss, from the SETI (Search for ExtraTerrestial Intelligence) Isaac Asimov Memorial Limerick Contest Index 


The intelligent beings are out there
From Vega, Deneb, or Altair.
It's only a matter
Of hearing their chatter
Though translation is too much to bear.
Restricted, Mike Stauss, from the SETI (Search for ExtraTerrestial Intelligence) Isaac Asimov Memorial Limerick Contest Index 


There was a young lass named Theresa,
Whom the fellows all longed for a piece o';
But she isn't for sale
To some lustful old male.
You can't buy her - but money will lease her.
Isaac Asimov Index 


O God, for as much as without Thee
We are not enabled to doubt Thee,
Help us by Thy Grace
To convince the whole race,
We know nothing whatever about Thee.
Ronald Knox, EOP p232 Index 


There was an Old Man of Thermopyl,
Who never did anything properly;
But they said, "If you choose
To boil eggs in your Shoes,
You shall never remain in Thermopyl."
Lear2 82, EOP p26, B-G p46, LD p10 Index 


thievin' - see mix

Links:

Index 



Daily Ditty 163 Thursday, 27 November 1997


A blacksnake crept up drunk Jake's thigh,
Who exclaimed, when it popped out his fly,
"Big and black, that ah knowed,
But my! has yo growed,
And whe'fo yo big beady eye?"
Copyright John Miller Talco TX 75487 Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.

Links:

Index 


Lepidopterists' biceps and thighs
Permit them a strange exercise
Their queer avocation
And great dedication
Permit them to mount butterflies.
Bruce Knapp of Peterborough, Ontario, winner of a limerick contest in honour of Stephen Leacock (leaking steamcock!) Index 


There was a young lady whose thighs,
When spread showed a slit of such size,
And so deep and so wide,
You could play cards inside -
Much to her bridegrooms surprise.
L2 246 Index 


At the sight of my neighbor's glad thighs,
Old Faithful makes efforts to rise.
But after ten nights
Of her bedroom delights,
The tail-light burns low in my eyes.
L3 202 Index 


There was a young lady so thin,
That she closely resembled a pin.
Don't think that I'd creep
To the window and peep.
I was told by a friend who looked in.
G. Burgess Index 


The sex act's a curious thing;
It's a bang, tryste, boff, or a fling.
A ball, screw, or schtup,
Are all ways to say fuck,
Her joy-box with your ding-a-ling.
Jonathon Index 


Well, it's partly the shape of the thing
That gives the old limerick wing;
These accordion pleats
Full of airy conceits
Take it up like a kite on a string.
David MacCord, B-G p23, LD p9 Index 


The spouse of a pretty young thing,
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame.
A discharge is a wonderful thing.
L2 105 Index 


This Chi O was a cute little thing.
A Sigma Chi gave her his ring.
Along with this gesture
She was fucked by the lecher!
Giving birth at the Prom in the Spring!
Lawrence Craft, Vol 2 - SORORITY SNATCH, 1 Index 


There was a young lady, and what do you think?
She said, "I care nought for a prick that don't stink,
And I think that a fuck
Ain't so good as a suck,
When you've pulled back the foreskin and uncovered the pink."
L2 323, Others with extra feet in the rhythm are 'Seringapatam' and 'Cox'

Links:

Index 


"Dr Johnson, You smell, I do think,"
Said a lady who felt in the pink;
But the dictionary maker
A peg down did take her:
"No, madam, You smell, but I stink."
AJTD, 21st July 1998

Links:

Index 


Said the Dean, "I don't care what you think,
Of the depths to which others may sink,
But when I go down
And you tell the whole town,
That I did, then young man, you're a fink!"
John Ciardi Index 


thinking - see Engineer

Links:

Index 


In the reign of King George the third,
The fashionable fuck was a bird:
The hole of a sparrow
Was dry, pink and narrow,
And was oiled with hummingbird's turd.
CPV 126 Index 


The infamous Richard the Third
Found the fashionable fuck was a bird.
The hole of a sparrow,
So dry, pink and narrow,
He oiled up with a hummingbird turd.
L3 1335 Index 


A message from M Thirty-two
On waterhole wavelengths came through.
It said "Users stay clear,
There's eavesdropping here . . .
The SETI League's tuned in to you!"
Restricted, Carol Ryles, from the SETI (Search for ExtraTerrestial Intelligence) Isaac Asimov Memorial Limerick Contest Index 


A message from M Thirty-two
Carol Ryles, from the SETI (Search for ExtraTerrestial Intelligence) Isaac Asimov Memorial Limerick Contest Index 


King Jonathan Edward the third
Was caught pederasting a bird.
He'd rammed the thing through
With his long, slender screw,
And had pushed out a seven-inch turd.
Note to L1 536 Index 


Now our young Nat's John Thomas,
Did fulfill every promise.
It leapt and it curled!
While clitorii were twirled,
We recommend him as the fondest.
Nearly didn't make it. Index 


The great blonde Thunder God Thor
Said, "Oh, I am so very sore.
How could that freak,
Think I am Greek?
I come from much farther up Nor'."

Although I'm impressed with your wit,
Your grasp of Greek myths is a bit
lacking. A clue -
As Wagner well knew,
Thor was a Norse god, you twit.
1st one Copyright 1997 by Ms Jayanti Addleman. 2nd one Copyright 1997 by Mr Antony Davie. Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice. Comments by J. Addleman and AJTD on a limerick about Thor which at first proclaimed him to be Greek.

Links:

Index 


Whether or not said by old Thoreau,
It is wiser to beg than to borrow.
How true that at any rate
And even a penny rate,
To borrow tomorrow means sorrow.
Conrad Aiken Index 


Meet Elmer, young son of Thorpes,
Afflicted with psychotic warps.
His idea of fun
Is to bugger a nun,
And then vomit all over the corpse.
L2 403 Index 


There once was a cat lover, Miss Thou,
Wrote verse in cat-litter.  See how
Me thinks it's perverse,
Her pussy's in verse
But see who's immersed in verse now.  MEE-OW!
Jim Index 


A Solipsist with triplets said: 'Though
No-one else can exist, if it's so,
Why I went through so much
To bring up my clutch
In my fancy, I really don't know.'
Lupellus, EOP p63 Index 


Thomas Hobbes of Malmesbury thought
Life was nasty and brutish and short;
But contracts, once made,
Would come to our aid,
And ensure modest comfort - at court.
Peter Alexander, EOP p61 Index 


There once was a lady who thought
Only one thing, but thought it a lot.
She thought yes and no,
Till at eighty or so,
She decided she rather thought not.
John Ciardi Index 


There was a young lady of Thrace
Whose corsets were too tight to lace.
Her mother said "Nellie,
There's more in your belly
Than ever went in at your face".
L2 595

Links:

Index 


There was a young woman of Thrace
Whose nose spread all over her face.
She had very few kisses:
The reason for this is
There wasn't a suitable place.
B-G p179 Index 


A decayed, witty old frump of Thrace,
Substituted rubber in her personal place.
She developed the trick,
When you pulled out your prick,
Of snappping the guck in your face.
Index 


An earnest young woman in Thrace,
Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
So he gave her a thwack,
And did on her back,
What he couldn't have done face to face.
L2 404 Index 


Thrail - see Crail

Links:

Index 


There was a young fellow named Thrale
Who was hardly what you would call male.
His libido wasn't channelized
So he got psychoanalyzed,
And now he can't get enough tail.
L2 830 Index 


At Christmas, a lady named Thrasher
With three drinks got bolder and brasher.
First she screwed Santa Clause,
Then without any pause,
She had Donder and Blitzen and Dasher.
L3 1336 Index 


On Saturn the sexes are three,
A [nuisance, I think | sad state of affairs,] you'll agree.
For performing con brio,
You must have a trio,
And it even takes two for a pee.
EOP p214, Mc p50 Index 


An ensemble, Monogamous Three
Liked to whistle conductus offkey.
Then they'd grab their kazoos
And transform into blues
Short motets by L'Ecole de Paris.
conductus - medievel vocal, up to four part harmony Index 


This time, 'bout a quarter past three,
My wife's body pressed up against me.
My desire I'm showing,
But she thinks it's annoying.
And yells, "Get out of bed and go pee!"
Da Homer Index 



Homage to Isaac Asimov, a great limericist.


The laws for us robots are three:
I'll not hurt mankind, I agree.
I'll do what a human
Says. That's number two, man.
Only then must I look after me.
AJTD 1997. The laws of robotics are: (i) A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. (ii) A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. (iii) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protecction does not conflict with the First or Second Laws. -Handbook of Robotics, 56th Edition, A.D. 2058 - and 'I Robot' by Isaac Asimov Index 


I'm sitting in stall number three;
I really have to shit and to pee.
I'll wipe and I'll flush,
Send it down in a rush,
And let out a sigh of relief!
Awful Index 


three - see mine

Links:

Index 


An ensemble, Monogamous Three,
Liked to whistle conductus offkey.
Then they'd grab their kazoos,
And transform into blues,
Short motets by L'Ecole de Paris.

Since Monogamous Three looked like fun,
Said my friend: "Let's go do like they've done --
As Anomalous Two
Jazz organum we'll do;
I'll rap chants as Monophonous One."
Sue Roessel (Dura) SRDura@Hiwaay.net and a response by JonG@dragonsys.com (Jonathan Gilbert) Index 



Bird Lesson


A pupil I had in Grade Three
Once asked me, "Do little birds pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"I know that they shit,
'Cause look what just happened to me!"

"Oh, Teacher, I know that you're smart
In science and music and art.
But you don't have a clue
About birt-pee or poo;
But tell me, do birds ever fart?"


Zoology Lesson


Asked a pupil I had in Grade Four,
"Does a frog have a prick, does a boar?"
I replied, "Yes, my son,
All male creatures have one,
But a porcupine has even more."
Bluebird (Bktep@aol.com) Index 


There was an Old Man of Three Bridges,
Whose mind was distracted by Midges;
He sate on a wheel,
Eating underdone Veal,
Which relieved that Old Man of Three Bridges
Lear2 8 Index 


threes - see thump

Links:

Index 


I have been married but thrice,
And I offer you this free advice:
Don't take that invite
Don't stay overnight.
The plural of spouse is spice.
Al Willis, P Aug '95 MONTHLY THEME: Family Values

Links:

Index 


As the rabbi was cutting the throat,
Of the annual tribal scapegoat,
Said the beast, 'I will cite you
As a sodomite! You
Forget what we did on the boat!'
L1 294 Index 


No water. Dry rocks and dry throats.
Then thunder, a shower of quotes
From the Sanskrit and Dante.
Da. Damyata. Shantih.
I hope you'll make sense of the notes.
Wendy Cope Index 


If intercourse gives you thrombosis
While continence causes neurosis,
I prefer to expire
Fulfilling desire
Than live on in a state of psychosis.
B-G p180, EOP p111 Index 


An old archeologist, Throstle,
[Discovered | Who found] a [marvelous | remarkable] fossil.
He knew from its bend
And the [knob | wart] on the end
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
HHH p96, B-G p180, L2 166 starts: 'There was a young man from Glengozzle', EOP p181, Mc p83. Other names: Dolmossal, Jossyl, Mosul, Schnossel, Wrossil

Links:

Index 



On Meindert Hobbema's The Avenue, Middleharnis


I consider I really am through
With Hobbema's Dutch Avenue;
The trees are so tall,
Their tops are so small,
And they utterly ruin the view.
Elizabeth H. Lister, EOP p157 Index 


Lady Jane longed for sex through and through,
But her offering was sampled by few.
Life is now wild and glad
Since the night she was had
By a blue-bottomed ape in the zoo!
L3 1337 Index 


At the deli they told me, "You're through!
You did what one never should do.
We found your hand jammed
In the pickle slicer."  Damned!
They fired the pickle slicer, too.
Theo Heller, P Aug 94, MONTHLY THEME: Hired Help Index 



Daily Ditty 73 Friday, 29 August 1997


Betcha thought that I truly was through
With the "oo" sound on seventy two;
Well, you loose the bet,
Here's one more for that set,
And the question I posed there holds true.
Copyright John Miller Talco TX 75487 Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.

Links:

Index 


To a weepy young woman in Thrums,
Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
Of allowing your tears
To fall into my ears -
I think they have rotted the drums."
Edward Gorey Index 



Daily Ditty 132 Monday, 27 October 1997


Well, the market indeed took a thump
Which the spin-doctors call "just a bump"
So go out tomorrow
With all you can borrow
And pick up some bargains - you chump!

Bad things seem to hit us in threes
We've this crash and the midwestern freeze
So what comes tomorrow
To add to our sorrow?
An earthquake's my bet, if you please ...

As I sat on my bum in the dunny
Reading how things on Wall St. ain't sunny
I thought "It seems to me
That you would have to be
Very rich to have lost so much money"

"And a thing to remember, as well"
I perceived, as I gasped from the smell
"So the market's been drowned -
It'll come back around:
You only lose out if you sell."

(Which is all very well if it's true,
But who knows what the market will do?
Will it go up or down?
Will it ever come round?
Will those blue-chip stocks always be blue?)
2 verses Copyright John Miller Talco TX 75487 Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice. 3 replies from Mike Dale

Links:

Index 


There was a young lady of Thune,
Who was blocked by the man in the Moon.
"Well, it has been great fun,"
She remarked when he'd done,
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
Index 


There was a young poet of Thusis,
Who went twilight walks with the Muses,
But the nymphs of the air
Are not what they were,
And the practice has led to abuses.
Langord Reed, EOP p129 Index 


Thwart - see Norton

Links:

Index 


There was a young lady of Thyme,
Who swore she'd hold out for all time.
So she stifled the crave
For a cock in her nave,
And insisted a candle was fine.
L1 708, or: 'And fixed her thoughts on the sublime.' Index 


A husband who lived in Tiberias
Once laughed himself nearly delirious;
But he laughed at his wife
Who took a sharp knife
With results that were quite deleterious.
B-G p180, EOP p189, for an actual case of penectomy, see Bobbitry

Links:

Index 


[There was a young man of | A guru from Eastern] Tibet,
And this is the [strangest | damnedest] one yet.
[His prick was | [Had a member] so long,
[And] [so pointed | incredibly] and strong,
He could [bugger | skewer] six [Greeks | yaks] en brochette.
L1 87, PB Oct. 66, HHH 21, the central lines can also be 'With the greatest of ease/ He could rape six Chinese'. The young man can be a Turkish Cadet Index 


On the plains of north-central Tibet,
They've thought of the strangest thing yet.
On the ass of a camel,
They pour blue enamel,
And bugger the beast while it's wet.
L1 760 Index 


While traveling in farthest Tibet,
Lord Irongate found cause to regret
The buttered-up tea,
A pain in his knee,
And the frivolous tourists he met.
Edward Gorey Index 


ticker - see Cam

Links:

Index 


To a lady whose fancy he'd tickle,
He said, "I'm quite sure you're not fickle."
But he was a GENT -
The guy really meant:
"I'll bet you would spread for a nickel!"
Norm Storer, P May 95, entered for the Pentatette Ladies & Gents Contest in which limericks should include lines similar to the 3rd and 4th here. Index 


On the waves of the internet tide
You can go for a digital ride
And wash up on a shore
To find a dead whore
Or a cave with a hermit inside.

You can read of a fellow named Dave
With a corpse for a sexual slave
You will see lots of shit
Like a girl with one tit
It's a ride for the bold and the brave
Bob Leclerc

Links:

Index 


There was a young hayseed from Tiffan,
Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
This knob out in front,
Attracted foul cunt
Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
L2 247 Index 


A taxicab driver in Tiflis,
Told his fare, "Hookers here are so shiftless,
Few tourists rejoice
Though they have a wide choice
Between itches, gon, crabs, clap, and syphillis."
L3 681 Index 


Said Orville to Wilbur 'Hold tight!
We're going to make our first flight.
The ground we shall shift off.
Hurrah! We have lift off.'
And both of the brothers were Wright.
Stanley J. Sharpless, EOP p79

Links:

Index 


Tijuana - see Juana

Links:

Index 


A dizzy young dancer named Tillie
Said, "Willy, you're perfectly silly.
What's wrong with your noodle?
I said diddle, not doodle -
You're to lay me today, willy-nilly!"
L3 204 Index 


After having a wonderful tilt,
Miss Crockett had feelings of guilt.
So she went to a priest
Who was hung like a beast,
And he straightened her out 'neath the quilt.
L3 1166 Index 


A traveller to Timbuktu,'
Said, 'Pilot! It's time that we flew!'
He replied: 'That will do!
Your watch is askew:
It's a minute or two to 2.02'
EOP p258

Links:

Index 


Silent Marcel Marceau at one time
Was a victim of Paris Street crime.
His terror still lingers.
Hoods stamped on his fingers
Leaving footprints on the hands of mime.
Loren C. Fitzhugh, P Sep '95 Index 


time - see epidemic

Links:

Index 


An insane old king made for a time
The writing of limericks a crime.
And all through the night
The lawful would write 
Verse without any rhyme or meter.

Dissidents would write
Verse with excellent meter and rhyme.

Links:

Index 


This man screwed his wife all the time
With a pillow beneath her behind.
He fucked her so much,
And her position was such
She developed curvature of the spine.
Lawrence Craft, Vol 9, ODD BALLS AND OTHERS, 11 Index 


As a hobby, rape helps to kill time,
So why the law calls it a crime,
Us rapists can't see -
It's the Land of the Free,
And with rape you don't pay a damn dime.
L3 783 Index 


I'm  probably wasting my time
Perfecting a limerick's rhyme.
It's better to give them
Immaculate rhythm,
For then they can reach the sublime.
Larry Dahl Index 


time - see advice

Links:

Index 


time - see sex

Links:

Index 


time - see them

Links:

Index 


En reiserick-skriver fra Time
fikk store problemer med rimet.
Da sommer'n tok slutt
så
From HREF="http://www.nndata.no/home/jborgos/limerick.htm" Norwegian Limerics. Translation anyone? Index 


time - see say

Links:

Index 


Said she: "Please excuse my timidity."
Said he: "It's just goddamn frigidity!"
Then she sobbed, "Oh, my dear,
It would [soon] disappear
If your tool had more goddamn rigidity!"
PB Jun 78 Index 


A young wheeler-dealer named Timothy,
Said, "Why, all that I need is proximity.
Just show me my prey,
Then give me one day;
They'll be screwed with complete equanimity.
Isaac Asimov Index 


"For Christmas", she said with a tingle,
"I'd love a gift cunnilingual."
'Twas with joy and surprise
She found 'twixt her thighs
The tongue of jolly Kris Kringle.
Stan Index 


A progressive professor named Tinners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the very debased
Would not be held back by beginners.
EOP p98 has: A divine by the name of McWhinners/ Held classes each evening for sinners./ They were sectioned and graded/ So the very de-graded/ Would not be held back by beginners. PB Oct '65 has Winners as the name. KS Index 


While trimming the tree with the tinsel,
Adjusting the lights was essential.
So I took hold of the wire
And started a fire,
Because there was so much potential.
Roma Index 


Es gibt ein Arbeiter von Tinz
Er schaft mit ein Madel von Linz
Sie sagt, "Halt sein plummen
Ich hore Mann kommen."
"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummber. "Ich binz."
JR, L2 62. A macaronic version is: 'There was a young plumber named Grinnig/ Who was plumbing his girl recht wahnsinnig./ When the girl said, "Stop plumbing,/ I hear someone coming!"/ Said the pumber named Grinnig, "Das bin ich!"'

Links:

Index 


A Northampton professor named Tipple
Loved to suckle a student's left nipple.
Though he did it with ardor,
He could not get it harder,
And he came without even a ripple.
Index 


Science can offer some tips
On actors emotional trips:
If you need to feel happy
(Despite feeling crappy)
Hold a pen with your teeth, not your lips.
Index 



A Tribute to Matthew Arnold in a Moment of Self-Abuse


A scholar of Oxford, while tipsy,
Began to make love to a gipsy;
He undressed her, caressed her,
To the beach he had pressed her,
Then found he'd lost faith in his ipse.
Richard Shepherd, EOP p148, ipse = attributed knowledge Index 


Marconi, whose ardour was tireless,
Sat down and invented the wireless,
Which makes it less tough
For the musical buff
Who lives in a town that is choir-less.
Stanley J. Sharpless, EOP p80 Index 


A lady whose name is Tirelli
Has tits made of dynamite jelly.
If you take on this dare,
You must fondle with care.
(The detonator's south of her belly.)
Index 


A salesgirl of perfume, Miss Tish
Stunk bad, though her Pussy she'd swish
Said her boss, "You must leave,
But there's no need to grieve
You can work as a monger of fish."
Index 


I asked as I tickled her tit
If she thought that my big thing would fit.
She said it would do
So we had a good screw
In the shade of the old apple tree.

I could hear the dull buzz of the bee
As he sunk his grub hooks into me.
Her ass it was fine
But you should have seen mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.
Index 


My girl friend's astonishing tit,
Is as tough as an old catcher's mitt.
The other was lighter,
And softer and whiter.
I wonder what happened to it?
Index 


tit - see tree

Links:

Index 


Big redheads run mostly to tits,
Which drives some men out of their wits.
A big, wobbly bust
Stirs men's animal lust,
And she fuck 'em until they have fits!
L3 467 Index 


'Tis said that the Emperor Titius
Had a penchant for pleasantries vicious.
He took two of his nieces
And fucked them to pieces,
And said it was simply delicious.
L1 88 Index 


A flatulent Roman named Titus
Was taken with sudden colitis;
And the venerable Forum
Lost most of its quorum
As he farted up half of the situs.
HHH p103 Index 


A man called Andronicus (Titus),
Had a nasty attack of colitis;
It began with meat pies,
And the issuing cries
Of his sons saying: 'Daddy, don't bite us.'
Paul Wigmore, EOP p131 Index 


Tjarda - see chagrin

Links:

Index 


to - see pre-Socratic

Links:

Index 


There once was a big ugly toad,
Who [was sitting | sat] on the side of the road.
He baked in the sun,
Not hurting anyone,
Until the heat made him explode.
Index 


An Abo his tribesmen all toast,
Has a penis so long he can boast,
It will glide out alone
Late at night on its own,
Seducing young girls of the coast.
L3 468 Index 


O metaphysical Tobacco,
Fetched as far as from Morocco,
Thy searching fume
Exhales the rheum,
O metaphysical Tobacco.
A book of madrigals for Viols and Voices, 1606, L1 p16 Index 


There was a sick man of Tobago
Liv'd long on rice-gruel and sago;
But at last, to his bliss,
The physician said this -
"To a roast leg of mutton you may go."
R.S. Sharpe? A15, B-G p39, EOP p24, L1, This limerick describes the severe dietary restrictions prescribed for the treatment of gout. This limerick is said to have inspired Lear. P Aug 94, Mc p6 Index 


Tobias - see Machias

Links:

Index 


How happy that man from Tobruk,
Who went with his wife to a nook;
They first played with Fanny,
And soon found a cranny:
Of all that she gave, he partook.
Harold C. Bibby, Sounds as if it might be a follow on of some other limerick. Information welcomed. Index 


Cried the frolicsome whores of Tobruk,
"Come see us and try out your luck!
We've got crotch-rot and scabies,
Plus pox, clap and rabies!
You might catch'em all!  Buck a fuck!"
Index 


There's a charming young girl in Tobruk,
Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
It's deep and it's wide,
- You can curl up inside,
With a nice easy chair and a book.
L2 248 Index 


A sex-mad young satyr named Toby,
Set up shop in the town of Nairobi,
Where, to worn out old tarts,
He sold brand-new parts,
Which he cleverly made of adobe.
L3 683 Index 


When I saw my doctor today
I feared what the blood tests might say;
But Doc said, "I assure you,
I most surely can cure you
If your Health Insurance will pay."
Evelyn Bogen, P May '94 on monthly theme - Health Care Plans Index 


I met a svelte lady today,
She works in a sideshow - for pay,
They bill her as Wanda,
Who's half anaconda,
Her hugs leave you breathless, they say.
A Vertech competition 'bearded lady' limerick. Index 



Daily Ditty 3, Friday, 13 June 1997


Is it Friday the thirteenth today?
How silly!  What nonsense, I say!
(Last time I went broke,
My Dad had a stroke,
And my wife and my dog ran away).
Copyright John Miller Talco TX 75487 Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.

Links:

Index 



Daily Ditty 27  Monday, 7 July 1997


We've been married two decades today
Which leaves me with little to say
So I'm real sorry folks,
I'm in no mood for jokes,
My ditty's no dilly no way!
Copyright John Miller Talco TX 75487 Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.

Links:

Index 


To compose a sonata today
Do not do it the usual way:-
Take your seat on the keys
Jump about as you please.
"Oh! How modern!" the critics will say.
from James Bryant's page Index 


today - see bored

Links:

Index 


Todd - see Laurie

Links:

Index 


I'd rather have fingers than toes;
I'd rather have ears than a nose;
And as for my hair,
I'm glad that it's there.
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

I'd rather have habits than clothes,
For that's where my intellect shows.
And as for my hair,
Do you think I should care
To comb it at night with my toes.
Gelett Burgess, 1st verse only in EOP p36, both in KS, L1 578 is 1st verse with lines 3 & 4 as ''And a happy erection/ Brought just to perfection" Index 


Said an old English gent, a real toff,
"Fill up your glasses!  Let's quaff
To mini-skirt joys
Which enable the boys
To begin where their fathers left off."
L3 205 Index 


Whenever those two get together,
They bring out their thongs made of leather.
He puts hands behind him
To let the girl bind him . . .
And then they discuss the day's weather.
Lucas Hulp, P May 94 Index 


There was a young man from Toledo
Who was cursed with excessive libido.
To fuck, to screw,
And to fornicate, too,
Were the three major points of his credo.
HHH 23, L1 89, variant: 'Who travelled about incognito./ The reason he did/ Was to bolster his id/ While appeasing his savage libido.' Index 


There was a young man from Toledo
Who traveled about incognito;
The reason he did
Was to bolster his id
While appeasing his savage libido.
B-G p19 Index 


A young tourist girl from Toledo,
Just went plumb to hell on the Lido.
Under a big beach umbrella
She was bunged by a fella,
In a game he called "Lido Torpedo."
L3 667 Index 


I once met a boy from Toledo,
Who in his pants had a giant torpedo.
At first, I said "Ow!"
And then I said "WOW!
I'm in love with his dick and libido.
Index 


When your capitalist boss takes his toll
You're a prole up the pole on the dole;
Unite with your pal,
For Dat's capital,
And then we'll have workers' control.
Dominic Fitzpatrick, EOP p59 Index 


Please take note of the ex Mrs. Tolliver.
Her husband tried making a doll of her.
She did learn to blink,
And say "Papa", and wink.
But she found that did not express all of her.
John Ciardi Index 


There was a young fellow named Tom,
Who ran screaming home to his mom.
The fear of the Bomb
Scared him back to the womb -
The bastard, he wasn't so dumb!
L1 579 Index 


A foolish young anarchist, Tom,
Started fooling about with a bomb.
They got most of him up
With a teaspoon and cup,
And the rest with a hairbrush and comb.
H.G. Dixey Index 


A clumsy young soldier named Tom
Fell flat with a thousand-pound bomb.
And now up on Mars,
They are saying, "My stars!
Where on Earth did you emigrate from?"
Index 


Said a practical female, Tombigger:
"Reserve your cunts, girls, for a nigger.
His trigger is bigger;
More rigor, more vigor,
And he's sure a deep digger as frigger!"
L3 469 Index 


Have you heard of young Franchot Tone,
Who felt of his own peculiar bone?
It was long and quite narrow
And filled full of marrow,
And less edible that stale corn pone.
L2 324, F.T. film and stage star involved in a scandal in which his wife was photographed laughing while a man has cunnilingus with her. Index 


There was a young eunuch from Tonga,
Who made up a dance called the Conga.
After dancing all day,
He heard the Queen say,
"I do wish your conga were longer."
This Limerick appears in Ken Smith's limerick collection in the Literature/Music/Art section!!! Index 


Tonga - see Batonger

Links:

Index 


tongue - see NG

Links:

Index 


I wonder what my wife will want [to eat] tonight;
Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
I wonder can she tell
That I've been raising hell;
Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?

My wife is just as nice as nice can be,
I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me,
For an afternoon of joy
Is hell on the old boy.
I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
L2 106 Index 


tonight - see true

Links:

Index 


An Indian tourist named Tonto
Bought sex from a whore in Toronto,
But returned to the wild
Disappointed and riled -
In Toronto poor Tonto came pronto!
PB, Aug 77 Index 


There was an old sculptor named Tony
Whose joystick refused to get bony.
It writhed and it wriggled,
Until his girl giggled,
"Now I know where they get macaroni."
L3 471 Index 


There was a young fellow named Tony
Who once tried to bugger a pony,
Which he blithely confessed
He preferred to Miss West -
A statement I think is baloney.
L3 1338 Index 



The Creative Process:


With a hey, and a Ho and a nonny,nonny, too,
We are off like a poor raving fou.
With biros uncapped,
and brain circuits zapped,
We're after a target or two.

"Trobador" and "Cassandrak" and friends,
Burn their candles at several ends,
No humour too lewd,
No joke is too crude,
When commenting on musical trends.

"I say", so we say, "let's be quick,
And churn out another lim'rick.
Bring on the puns ,
and the jokes about buns,
And some really olde word for a prick."


An Historical Perspective:


Lest we think early artists were staid,
And music was all that they made
Those lute pickers knew,
What today is still true,
If you turn out good tunes, you'll get laid.
cassandrak@aol.com (CassandraK) on the principal limerists of rec.music.early Index 


too - see epidemic

Links:

Index 


too - see call

Links:

Index 


Her smuggled cigars Customs took
From her purse, her bags, and her book.
But although they did try,
One cigar did get by,
Hidden where no one could look.
Paul Index 


An apprentice who had a fine tool,
Was thought by his girlfriend too cool,
Since, when he was up her,
He broke for a 'cuppa',
Since that was his union rule.
cuppa - a cup of tea Index 


The old crocodile sampled his tool
As he lay on his back in the pool.
And he spat and said, "My
But I taste rather high.
Am I flavored like this as a rule?"
L3 913 Index 


A 'brickie' who had a fine tool,
Was thought by his girl-friend too cool,
Since, when he was up her,
He broke for a cupper,
As that was his union rule.
E.O. Parrott, EOP p293 Index 


tool - see Mac

Links:

Index 


When the Archbishop sprinkled their tools,
They broke all episcopal rules,
And piddled right back at him;
Took quite a whack at him;
Smeared him all over with stools.
L3 1167 Index 


There was a gay parson of Tooting,
Whose roe he was frequently shooting.
He married a lass
With a face like my arse,
And a cunt you could put your whole foot in.
The Pearl - Issue No. 2 - August, 1879, L2 249 Index 


To Joe Dong said the well-spread Miss Tootle,
Whose sex bouts so far had been futile,
"Up to now, men I've tried
Left me unsatisfied,
But if any root can why your root'll."
L3 472 Index 


There was a young girl of Topeka,
Who from diddling grew weaker and weaker.
'Till a [guy, name of | fellow named] Dick
[Went and offered | inserted] his prick,
[So she tried it | And she wept, screamed,] and shouted, "Eureka!"
L2 560 Index 


A dizzy old fellow named Topping,
Once fell down five flights without stopping.
The janitor swore
As old Top hit the floor,
"It'll take me the whole darn day mopping."
Index 


As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
Since he thinks it's effete
To be beating his meat,
What he's into is licking his chops.
PB Nov 83 Index 


O. J., who once was the tops,
Was arrested for giving chop-chops.
But the jury then found
That the blood all around
Was really put there by the cops.
O.J. = O.J. Simpson Index 


Torbay - see Delray

Links:

Index 


tore - see roar

Links:

Index 



A Spoonerick


A babe lost its diaper then tore
On all fours, at great speed, 'cross the floor,
Like those birds of great verve,
One can often observe, 
That now and then flit on the shore.
Bob Giandomenico, P Nov 94 Index 


toreador - see Florida

Links:

Index 


A young senorita named Torias
Couldn't find her tiny clitorious.
It was so small to feel
A real hit-and-miss deal,
But once finding it made her feel glorious!
Lawrence Craft, Vol 1, 30 Index 


There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
Exceedingly hard to get onto,
But when you get there,
And have parted the hair,
You can fuck her as much as you want to.
L2 108 Index 


Said a gleeful young man from Torquay,
'This is rather a red-letter day;
For I've poisoned with sherbert
My rich Uncle Herbert
Whose health never seemed to decay.'
B-G p180 Index 


Torquay - see Delray

Links:

Index 


For her husband, Barbara cried torrents.
"My fear for your life such tears warrants!"
But said George, "I can't fail,
I have J. Danforth Quayle
As my assassination insurance!"
Cindy Kandolf re US President George Bush and his V.P. Index 


Torres - see Norris

Links:

Index 


A novelist from Tortilla Flats
Repeatedly buggered stray cats.
The alley-fence howls
As he stirred up their bowels
Enormously pleased the town rats.
L1 295 Index 


Said a certain young maid of Tortuga,
"How I wish I could mate with a cougar.
The sheer joy of the matching
Would be worth all the scratching."
But her friends think she's clearly meshugga.
Isaac Asimov, meshugga - crazy Index 


Bob was finally given the toss -
On the whole, no significant loss;
But while Packwood, the knave,
Has retired to his cave,
Teddy still has more bridges to cross.
William N. Nesbit, P Dec 95, Being a sensitive verse about how the only real difference between the histories of sexual harassment by Sen. Kennedy and Sen. Packwood is that Kennedy's is longer.

Links:

Index 


Finding God's taboos totalitarian,
Eve adopted a pose of 'San Fairy Ann',
Ate prohibited fruit,
Made her mate follow suit,
And left us all quite postlapsarian.
Basil Ransome-Davies, EOP p180 Index 


There was a young lady of Totten
Whose tastes grew perverted and rotten.
She cared not for steaks,
Or for pastry and cakes,
But lived upon penis au gratin.
L1 338 Index 


There was a young [person of | lady from] Tottenham
Whose manners - [Good Lord! | well], she'd forgotten 'em.
[When she went to | While at tea at] the vicar's,
She [took | kicked | tore] off her knickers,
Explaining she felt much too hot in 'em.
from The Limerick Up to Date Book by Edith Watts Mumford, San Francisco, 1903, HHH p101, B-G p180, EOP p100, L2 874, Langford Reed replaces 'knickers' with 'mittens' [sic!] Index 


Have you met our staff psychopath, Totter?
A typical shite and a rotter.
His idea of fun
Is to bugger a nun,
Or else some impoverished squatter.
L3 1069 Index 


This bird is the Keel-billed Toucan,
Whose size doesn't do what his hue can,
His color scheme rates
A succession of dates,
Which consist of just settin' and lookin'.
Index 


A marvelous bird is the toucan,
Who when engaged in a screw can
Stand on his head,
Shove beak in instead.
If you think that's a cinch, see if you can.
Index 


A caddy named Tommy the Tough,
Had an heiress way out in the rough.
He said, "What a swell fuck!
Now let's you and me suck.
Or as you uppercrust say, Soixante-neuf."
L2 325 Index 


Complex-problems solving is tough,
Good will, effort is not enough,
But formality
Tracks stupidity,
And forbids designers to bluff.
Thierry Cattel Index 


There once was a belle from Toulon,
Who said to her beau, "Pas si bon!
I admire your technique,
It's really tres chic,
But you're still both Toulouse and Toulon."

Links:

Index 


There was an Old Man of Toulouse
Who purchased a new pair of shoes;
When they asked, 'Are they pleasant?'
he said, 'Not at present!'
That turbid Old Man of Tou;ouse.
Lear2 18 Index 


A virgin felt urged in Toulouse
Till she thought she would try self-abuse.
In search of a hard on
She ran out in the garden,
And was had by a statue of Zeus.
L1 709 Index 


There was an old dame of Toulouse,
Who had no reputation to lose;
When she revelled at night,
Her friends thought her too tight,
And her enemies thought her too loose.
A.M. Sayers, EOP p185 Index 


Toulouse - see Santander

Links:

Index 


There was a young man of Toulouse,
Who had a deficient prepuce.
But the foreskin he lacked
He made up in his sac.
The result was, his balls were too loose.
L2 250 Index 


Toulouse - see Hughes

Links:

Index 


A virile young man of Touraine
Had vesicles no one could drain.
With an unbroken flow
Thrice the course he would go,
Then roll over and start it again.
L1 90 Index 


Une jolie épousette a Tours
Voulait de gig-gig tous les jours.
Mais le mari disait, 'Non!
De trop n'est pas bon!
Mon derrière exige du secours!'

Translated:

A pretty wife living in Tours,
Demanded her daily amour.
But the husband said, 'No!
It's too much. Let it go!
My backsides are dragging the floor.'
L2 109 & 110 Index 



The Artist


Though his talent was not highly touted,
"The price is three dollars", he shouted
I'd offered him two,
But since that won't do,
He sat by his easel and pouted.
A Vertech competition 'bearded lady' limerick. Index 


An inveterate boaster of Towcester
Would brag that he'd coupled with mowcester
The ladies in town
From the mayoress down
To the maids in the "Crown".
That's hardly a great deal to bowcester
In a place like Towcester
CTD 1982 Index 


There was an inn-keeper of Towster,
Who was quite an inveterate boaster;
He claimed that Queen Bess
Had left her impress
When she slept in his famous four-poster.
Harold C. Bibby Index 


There was an Old Woman called Towl
Who went to sea with an owl;
But the owl was sea-sick,
And screamed for physic,
Which sadly annoyed Mistress Towl.
T16, EOP 10 Index 


I'm the loin of Babylon town;
I'm the lion what ain't loin down;
Goodbye obelisk,
Farewell odalisque,
I'm the loin what ain't lion down.
Conrad Aiken odalisque = female slave or concubine Index 


The Oscars - the talk of the town;
Each star in tuxedo or gown.
But something went wrong,
And the show took as long
As Titanic took in going down.
Eleison Index 


Two lesbians north of the town
Made sixty-nine love on the ground.
Their unbridled lust
Leaked out in the dust
And made so much mud that they drowned.
Index 


In fair old Binghamton town,
A couple was fooling around
With strings and with picks,
And several hot licks.
Dulcimer lovers they found.
S. Carpenter Index 


In the backyard, a bold minx of Towton,
Danced the Charleston with nary a clout on;
Till her shocked mother spoke,
"You must put on your toque,
I object to your dancing with nowt on."
Langford Reed Index 


A prick is a wonderful toy
To be used in a girl or a boy.
In a hole warm and tender,
Regardless of gender,
It promises pleasure and joy.
Index 


A sexy young student once toyed
With the Pelican series of Freud.
A new sense of mission
Brought dis-inhibition,
And her boy-friends were all overjoyed.
Richard Taylor, EOP p74 Index 


At dusk, in the dunes of Tozaire,
They said, "Do you think that we dare?"
As the sun sank right down,
They returned to the town -
And shook out the sand from their hair.
Harold C. Bibby Index 


There once was a young girl called Trace
Who wore a cute smirk on her face.
When asked "What's within
That would cause such a grin?"
She said "Well, I just tickled H!"
Copyright H. Whelchel, Virginia Beach VA 23452 (Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.) Index 


There was a detective named Tracey,
Who frequently acted quite spacey.
She met a young stud,
Who drank only blood...
Never happened on Cagney and Lacey.
Stephanie Lutz Index 


An affectionate young farmer whose tractor
Became his libido extractor,
Climbed onto the block
And shoved in his cock
And fucked her so hard that he cracked 'er.
Index 


Anon., Idem, Ibid. and Trad.
Wrote much that is morally bad:
Some ballads, some chanties
All poems on panties -
And limericks, too, one must add.
B-G p16 Index 


In limericks, I'm not a trafficker,
For my nature is really seraphicker.
My stomach sits queasily,
I blush far too easily,
And I do not collect pornographicker.
Index 


With a posse still hot on his trail,
He was tempted by nookie for sale;
So the Kid went to bed
With a price on his head
With a girl with a price on her tail.
PB Apr 78 Index 


When he raped a young maid in a train,
They arrested a fellow named Blaine.
But the ex-virgin cried:
'That's for me to decide,
And I'd be the last to complain.'
EOP p201, KS has a var. Index 


Said Nero to one of his train,
"These Christians will surely refrain,
Encased as the are
In coatings of tar,
From burning my city again."
Index 


A limerick writer in training,
Was found in this news group, complaining.
"I have all the time
To write a great rhyme.
I'll search for the rules without straining."
Frank, in reply to a question asking what the rules describing a limerick are. He also said: May I offer my humble opinion? Lines 1, 2, and 5 must rhyme. Lines 3 & 4 must rhyme (not with the others). The number of syllables in lines 1, 2,and 5 should be the same (usually 8 or 9 syllables/line). The number of syllables in lines 2 & 3 should be equal (usually 5 or 6 per line).

Links:

Index 


I once met a girl on a train,
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It wasn't  her brain he'd been layin'.
Mc p56 Index 


Prince Hamlet thought uncle a traitor
For having it off with his Mater;
Revenge Dad or not -
That's the gist of the plot -
And he did - nine soliloquies later.
Stanley J. Sharpless, EOP p133

Links:

Index 


Tralee - see Dundee

Links:

Index 


"I come from a long line of trans-
vestite headwaiters," said Vance.
"Dad dishes out meals
In a tight skirt and heels.
Gramps wears halters and velvet hot pants.
Michael Weinstein, P Oct 95 on the monthly theme - Genealogy Index 


Said an ardent bridegroom named Trask,
"I will grant any boon that you ask.
Said his bride, "Fuck me, dearie,
Until I grow weary."
He died of old age at the task.
Index 


A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket,
Had a hole as big as a basket.
A spot, as a bride,
In it now, you could hide,
And include with your luggage, your mascot.
L2 251 Index 


transpired - see Trent

Links:

Index 


If John had his choice of transplants,
His sex life he'd want to enhance
(To help him succeed,
A donor he'll need)
And occupy more of his pants.
Irving Superior, P Mar 95 on the Monthly theme - Transplants Index 


In these days of grafts and transplants,
A guy really takes quite a chance.
Are the charms of his toots
The original goods,
Or are they from one of his aunts?
Index 


A lad from far-off Transvaal
Was lustful, but tactful withal.
He'd say, just for luck,
"Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
NVG, L2 115 Index 


He hammered his box trapezoidal,
So out-of-tune, it annoyed all.
The audience knew,
Shoved it somewhere new,
Now he has pains hemmorroidal.
Sam Edelston Index 


A bachelor inventor named Treacher
Built a high-bosomed transistor creature.
When he started to grope
It cried "Mac, I'm no dope!
So before we begin, get a preacher."
Index 


A rascal far gone in lechery,
Lured maids to their doom by his treachery.
He invited them in
For the purpose of sin,
Though he said 'twas to look at his etchery.
EOP p217, KS reverses the words on the ends of the 1st 2 lines (probably better that way). Index 


Treadle - see Cheadle

Links:

Index 


"Far dearer to me than my treasure,"
The heiress declared, "is my leisure.
For then I can screw
The whole Harvard crew -
They're slow, but that lengthens the pleasure."
CPV 33, L1 91, alternative last line: 'With a cockswain or two, for good measure.' Index 


This nymph thought big pricks were a treasure,
And searched for the ultimate pleasure.
Each man had to prove
He could stretch her big groove
As determined by her yellow tape-measure.
Lawrence Craft, Vol 3 - NYMPHOMANIA, 1 Index 


Joe invited his girl to dutch treat,
Which sweetened the old balance sheet.
Though he saved lots of dough,
The next night proved a blow,
When he couldn't arouse her to heat.
Isaac Asimov Index 


You will read in Professor Schmunk's treatise,
In the words of the famed Epictetus,
The curious lore
That young girls by the score
Are afflicted with athlete's foetus.
B-G p180

Links:

Index 


There was a young girl of Trebarwith
Whom a cad in a car went too far with,
Which disproves a report
That she wasn't the sort
For going too far in a car with.
R.J.P. Hewison, EOP p190 Index 


Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village [smithy | idiot] sat,
Amusing himself
By abusing himself,
And catching [the load | it] in his hat.
L1 710, Appears in 'The Ball of Kirriemuir' as well. Alternative first lines: 'There was a young fellow named [Pratt | La Platte | Spratt | Tatt]/ Who was terribly sassy and fat' or 'There once was a priest, Father Pat/ Who would roar out the Magnificat'

Links:

Index 


There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly stung by a bee;
When they said 'Does it buzz?"
He replied: 'Yes it does,
It's a regular brute of a bee!'
Lear1 10, EOP p29, B-G p55,

Links:

Index 


There was an Old Man in a Tree,
Whose Whiskers were lovely to see;
But the Birds of the Air
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves Nests in that Tree.
Lear2 65

Links:

Index 


In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.

I asked as I tickled her tit
If she thought that my big thing would fit.
She said it would do
So we had a good screw
In the shade of the old apple tree.

In the shade of the old apple tree
I got all that was coming to me
In the soft dewy grass
I had a fine piece of ass
From a maiden that was fine to see.

I could hear the dull buzz of the bee
As he sunk his grub hooks into me.
Her ass it was fine
But you should have seen mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.
L2 111 Index 


ln tracing my family tree,
I first paid the fifty buck fee.
(For fifty bucks more
The nice lady swore
It's Garden of Eden for me.)
Irving Superior, P Oct 95 on the monthly theme - Genealogy Index 


I've researched my own family tree
It's impressive, I'm sure you'll agree.
The chart though immense,
Will. with effort, condense:
"From Cheetah to Tarzan to me."
Arthur Deex, P Oct 95 on the monthly theme - Genealogy and in Aug 95 announcing the theme Index 


When the bough breaks on the tree,
The baby will fall, don't you see?
So please use your head.
Put the kid on the bed.
I give this advice all for free.
Al Willis, P Dec 95 Index 


Planting a gorgeous young maid in a tree,
The woodcutter began a sexual spree.
 She cried "Shift your whopper,
 You nearsighted limb-lopper!"
"That's a moss covered knothole, not me!"
Index 


For those two little birds in the tree,
Or for rabbits and cats, you'll agree,
To mate female with male
Is the point of life's tale,
So why this reluctance with me?
L3 207 Index 


Close to 'long ass b'long coconut tree,
One fellow mary come up 'long me,
Si' down long grass,
Igot big fellow ass,
Italk ilike push-push 'long me.
L2 405, Pidgin-English Index 


A maiden sat under a tree
And played with the lad's fiddle-dee,
His little wood post.
Soon her jewel is lost
From the casket where it used to be.
L2 461

Links:

Index 


Close to 'long arse 'long coconus tree,
One fellow mary come up 'long me,
Si' down 'long grass,
Igot big fellow arse,
Italk ilike push-push 'long me.
Melanesian Pidgin English Index 


tree - see glass

Links:

Index 


There once lived two elves in the trees,
Who made love 'midst the rustle of leaves.
With a prick like a pimple,
And a cunt like a dimple,
They screwed with the greatest of ease.
L3 206 Index 


There was a young man named Treet
Who minced as he walked down the street.
He wore shoes of bright red,
And playfully said,
"I may not be strong, but I'm sweet."
CPV 22, B-G p181, L2 831 Index 


There once was a Bishop of Treet
Who decided to be indiscreet,
But after one round
To his horror he found
You repeat, and repeat, and repeat!
HHH p31, L2 453 Index 


I'll dance upon tables and trip upon trenchers,
And lie with the lads - all the best of you wenchers:
So spend all you shillings,
Your pounds and your pence;
'Twill all be worth nothing a hundred years hence!

Come, spend all your substance on wenching and wine,
The grave or the poorhouse will have all in time:
Why struggle for honors?
Why cudgel for pence?
'Twill all be forgotten a hundred years hence!
L3 208-209 Index 


Trent

Links:

Index 


There was a young lady of Trent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When he[men] asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of[With cocktails and] wine,
She knew, oh she knew! - but she went!

Not that it always transpired
That it turned out quite as she desired;
One gent of Trent
Was undoubtedly bent,
And he didn't advance - he retired.
L2 875, CPV 49, Mc p52, B-G p145 with minor vars. has this as Kent, EOP p164, second verse by Cyril Ray, EOP p164, 'Unspeakable Verse' anthologised by Patricia Houlihan, Publ. Boxtree Ltd., London 1996, ISBN 0 7522 0239 1 has the first verse as Kent. Index 


A Catholic female named Trent
Refrained from the sex act for Lent.
Although she kept feigning
She liked the abstaining,
She was eager to come when Lent went.
PB May 81 Index 


There was a young colonel from Trent,
Who lived in a lavender tent.
He said that some sessions
With interesting Hessians
Had taught him what war really meant.
L2 406 Index 


There was a young trollop from Trent,
Who claimed not to know what they meant.
When men asked her age,
She'd reply in a rage,
"My age is the age of consent."
Index 


trepidations - see Graces

Links:

Index 


There once was a fellow named Trete,
Who from birth was inclined to be neat.
He became extra fussy
When he thought his pants mussy,
And would throw them away in the street.
L2 876 Index 


There was a young dentist named Trevor,
Whose technique was terribly clever:
Since, out of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
He has more women patients than ever.
Harold C. Bibby

Links:

Index 


Said Mrs. Isosceles Tri,
"That I'm sharp I've no wish to deny.
But I do not dare
To be perfectly square -
I'm sure if I did, I should die!"
Clinton Burgess

Links:

Index 


I'm bored, said a right-angled triangle.
Fed up with this rectitude angle.
And what is the use
Of a hypotenuse,
If she hasn't got bangs and a bangle.
Conrad Aiken Index 


trick - see hair

Links:

Index 


I once knew a pretty good trick,
That began with a flick of my Bic.
I would [up and] set fire
To my dick, like a pyre,
And squash out the flames with a brick.
Dirty MacDuff Index 


There was an old geezer who tried,
All night long, as a matter of pride.
By dawn's early light,
He whispered, "Goodnight,"
And went into the bathroom and cried.
John Ciardi Index 


There's a clever old miser who tries
Every method to e-con-o-mize.
He said, with a wink,
"I save gallons of ink
By simply not dotting the I's"
Index 


There was a young man of Trieste
Who sucked a girl's arse with great zest.
In spite of her howls
He drew out her bowels
And spat them all over her chest.
Index 


Les salons del la ville de Trieste
Sont vaseux, suraigus, et funestes;
Parmi les grandes chaises
On cause de malaises,
Des estropiements, et des pestes.
Edward Gorey, 'The sitting-rooms of the town of Trieste/ Are hazy, shrill, and deathly;/ Among the armchairs/ One feels uneasiness/, of being crippled or disease.' - (I think!) Index 


With a French lass, it's unwise to trifle.
They have urges they simply can't stifle.
A woman of France
will pull down her pants
At the sight of a towering eye-full.
Index 


When Roy Rogers rode in on Trigger
Dale Evans said "How could I figure
That big Palomina
Would have such a wiener,
And Roy's would be 8 inches bigger."
Theo M. Heller, P Monthly Theme, Sep 95 - How the West Was Won Index 


A young man maintained that his trigger,
Was so big that there wern't any bigger.
But his long and thick pud
Was so heavy it could
Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
L2 252 Index 


What with female Marines, Sergeant Trilling
Finds his life in the Corps more fulfilling.
In the daytime his skill
Is in close-order drill,
While at night, it's in close-ardor drilling!
PB Apr 81 Index 


There was a wine taster named Trilling,
Who thought he knew all about swilling.
With his tongue up the ass
Of a bright girl in class,
He murmured, "This vintage is thrilling!"
L3 914 Index 


A lady they called her in Trim,
Though her right to the title was slim.
And doubts started to mount
With her chromosome count,
Was she 'it' or a 'her' or a 'him'?
Index 


If you're flabby where once you were trim,
You don't need an elaborate gym.
Eat foods that go crunch;
Take a walk after lunch.
That's the road back to vigor and vim.
Index 


A tone-deaf old person of Tring,
When somebody asked him to sing,
Replied: 'It is odd,
But I cannot tell "God
Save the Weasel'"from "Pop Goes the King".'
EOP p49, B-G p181. KS starts: There was a young Royal Marine,/ Whose musical ear was obscene.

Links:

Index 


A museum assistant at Tring,
Gave each bird an identity ring:
One bird could not fly,
But she knew how to lie,
And how to play yang to his ying.
Harold C. Bibby Index 


There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
He gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person of Tring.
Lear1 67 Index 


There was a young lady of Tring,
Who sat by the fire to sing.
A hot piece of charcoal
Flew right up her arsehole,
And burnt all the hair off her [quim | thing].
L1 580 Index 


An elderly harlot from Trings
Has fucked the last four Spanish kings.
Says she, "They're all short,
And no good at the sport,
But the queen is a lezzie, and swings."
L3 781 Index 


There was a young student of Trinity
Who shattered his sister's virginity.
He buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother
And took double honours in Divinity
CPV 10 Index 


Trinity - see who

Links:

Index 


Trinity - see 'who'

Links:

Index 


There was a young student of Trinity
Who computed the square of infinity
But it gave him the fidgets
To write down the digits
So he chucked it and took up Divinity
communicated by H.K. Ruud, hkr@ifi.uio.no Index 


There was an Old Fellow of Trinity,
A Doctor well versed in Divinity,
But he took to free thinking,
And then to deep drinking,
And so had to leave the vicinity.
Arthur Clement Hilton, EOP p35 Index 


There once was a Fellow of Trinity,
Who raised X Y Z to infinity.
[And then the old | The next thing the] brute
[Extracted the | Did was find the square] root
He afterwards took to divinity.
EOP p77 Index 


There was a young fellow of Trinity,
Who, although he could trill like a linnet, he
Could never complete
Any poem with feet,
Saying: 'Idiots!
        Can't you see
        What I'm writing
           happens
           to be
  Free
  Verse?'
EOP p116 Index 


A chaste female lawyer from Trinity,
For men has acquired an affinity.
She found a neat loophole,
By using her poophole,
She still can retain her virginity.
Index 


A philosopher Fellow of Trinity
Said, "Geometry show this affinity:
Concavo-convex is
Symbolic of sexes,
While arrows denote masculitity."
Harold C. Bibby Index 


A lawyer at Trinity Hall
Said, "At the Old Bailey, recall,
The Code Napoleonic
Is thought quite moronic;
And yet it's respected in Gaul."
Harold C. Bibby, Trinity Hall College, Cambridge Index 


Trinity Hall - see Hall

Links:

Index 


While a girl was away on a trip,
Her diaphragm started to slip.
Not content just to suck,
'Cause she wanted to fuck,
She glued it in with Poli-Grip.
Index 


trip - see Krakow

Links:

Index 


Tripe - see chums

Links:

Index 


There was an old fellow of Tripoli,
Who used to make love rather nippily.
Said his angry young lass,
While rubbing her ass,
"Less teethily, please, and more lippily."
Isaac Asimov Index 


A retiring old sailor named Tripp
Had a fling upon leaving his ship;
But he failed to use care
In a prostitute's lair,
Which is why Tripp has a postnaval drip.
PB Oct 81 Index 


I know an old harlot named Triskett,
So broad in the rump and the brisket,
That since she began,
To solicit, no man
Has said "Let's go!" but only "I'll risk it!"
John Ciardi Index 


trite - see it

Links:

Index 


"Though sodomy many find trite,
To us sodomites, it's a delight!"
Thus from deep in a ghetto
Came a plaintive falsetto
From a eunuch whose sphincter was tight.
L3 1070 Index 


Trock - see Lock

Links:

Index 


As he stood at the rear of a trollop,
The proctologist smeared a large dollop
Of pomade on his glans,
"Up the rear with no hands
Will surely, he said, "Whack a polyp."
Bob Giandomenico, P Oct 94, on the monthly theme - Spoonericks Index 


Down in Dixie a lecherous trollop
Said, "My crack packs a helluva wallop!
You may think it's funny,
But it's dangerous, Sonny,
For it's likely to swallow you-all up!"
L3 473 Index 


Troon - see Rangoon

Links:

Index 


A glib little beer-buff from Troon
Says slim girls will cause him to swoon;
A girl with no waist
Is of course to his taste,
With his gut like a [busted | pregnant] balloon.
Bill Green well, EOP p165 Index 


There once was a horny young trooper,
Who dared five sailors to group her.
Each one stuck his peeper,
In deeper and deeper,
The last one came out her pooper.
from esprit@earthlink.net Index 


A whorish horsewoman named Trott
Just loved to give samples of twat.
Every day without fail,
There were males on her tail;
All the horsemen knew 'er as hot!
L3 210, (only saddlemakers daughter but all the horse manure - McW) Index 



CHEVALIER DES ARTS ET DES PETTEURS


Don Ventouso, a stout troubadour
Wrote bad cansos; his singing was poor.
But by mastering the art
Of the audible fart,
He was able to book a long tour.
Trobador@AOL.COM (Joel Cohen) Index 


The chin was meant to give trouble,
Either pimples or dimples or stubble,
Though some have the gall
To grow not at all,
While others come triple and double.
A. Euwer Index 


A few, when it's cubed, might be trouble,
But squared just after it's doubled,
Take three halves and then,
Toss two gross, take ten,
And the twelfth root of this is a couple!
Index 


There was an Old Person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
Lear1 64 Index 


There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Lear1 87 Index 



A Limick


[There was ]An old person of Troy,
[Who, when] In the bath is so coy,
[That it's a sure bet,]
That it doesn't know yet
If it's a girl or a boy.
Ogden Nash, EOP p266 - The examples of limicks I have picked up so far were all by Nash. Did he invent the form? KS gives a version with the 'extras' making it a full limerick. Index 


Ther was an old lady of Troy,
Who invented a new kind of joy.
She sugared her quim,
And frosted the rim,
And then had it sucked by a boy.
The Pearl - Issue No. 1 - July 1879, L2 326 Index 


There was a preteen out in Troy;
Needle-work was what brought her joy.
'Til she reached that age,
When the hormones rage,
Now her hobby is chasing a boy.
K Werpetinski Index 


There was a young lady from Troy,
Had moustache, just like a young boy.
Though it tickled to kiss,
'Twas the source fo much bliss,
When she used it to brush a man's toy.
Index 


There once was a terror of Troy
Who liked a Patricular boy.
Achilles and Pat
Were much closer than that
For Pat was his fun little toy.
Suzi Grasshopper and Shannon Paul , Ms. Grasshopper and Ms. Paul address Achilles' rumored homosexual relations with Patroclus. Index 


His neighbors objected, it's true,
To the way he would plunder and screw.
But he'd say, "Tain't my fault,
'Cause it's all the resault
Of a trauma I suffered at two."
L3 512

Links:

Index 


The gnu's a bit shaggy, it's true,
But well known and quite popular, too.
In France he's adored,
But Italians are bored,
And frequently ask, "What's a gnu?"
Index 


"In our cult," said the girl, "it was true:
The Mahatma'd get stoned and then screw.
In the buff, he'd smoke bhang,
While his drug-plugged-in-whang
Just guh-rew and guh-rew and guhh-rew."
Index 


We're havin' a party, it's true,
And extend an invite to you.
The hair on your head
Just has to be red
And no.. Lady Clairol won't do.
fazed@spectra.net (Frank) in reply to a request: Jeni Woock who wrote: Hi everyone. I need help with a limerick. This needs to be a limerick invitation to a red head party. Thanks in advance!!!!! jeni Index 


Beethoven said, and 'tis true
That Handel was best of the crew
Of composers; then that
He'd take off his hat
At his graveside and kneel. Wouldn't you?

Haydn pre-echo'd this fact;
His Creation's inspired by and packed
With George Fredrick's type
Of excitement and hype.
Joe's worship of Handel naught lacked.
2 by AJTD, 19/1/98 and a third 'extended' limerick by psmithalto@aol.com (PSmithALTO) Index 


Willy Dufay (they say this is true)
Composed Adieu m'amour in the loo -
Subtle voice parts, all three,
While he handled his wee -
He was quick!  And he cleaned up when through.
Index 



Daily Ditty 142 Thursday, 6 November 1997


I thought that my dreams had come true
'Till the masquerade party was through
Then the one so appealing
I'd been covertly feeling
Turned out to be no one but you!

(Sorry, I'm grouchy tonight;
Can't seem to get anything right
Which ends up resulting
In verse that's insulting
'Stead of witty and airy and light)
Copyright John Miller Talco TX 75487 Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.

Links:

Index 


Most women get married, 'tis true,
They feel it's the best they can do;
But why spend your life
Being somebody's wife,
When you might spend it just being you?
Barney Blackley, EOP p235 Index 


I love uoy, my dear, it is true.
No eno can please me but you.
"You do thrill me so
And I want you to know."
She said this on the day she was dew.
Al Willis, P Dec 95 monthly theme - Aixelsyd Index 


In our cult," said the girl, "it was true:
The mahatma'd get stoned and then screw.
In the buff, he'd smoke bhang
While his drug-plugged-in whang
Just guh-rew...and guh-rew...and guh-rew!"
PB Sep 79 Index 


To say Bill is dumb, isn't true!
He is not bereft of IQ.
But if you should mean
The Washington scene;
The poor guy just hasn't a clue!
Larry Davis, P May 95, Being a sensitive verse about how the president is so dumb he not only doesn't know anything, he doesn't even suspect anything. Index 


He hated her hue, that is true. 
Her hair was too blue, in his view. 
He once badly dyed her 
And could not abide her. 
So he slapped on some H2O2
Al Willis. For the Chemically Challenged, H2O2 Index 


There were two women, it's true,
Who were bored with nothing to do.
Their dulcimers they played,
Met two men and got laid.
I think they're pretty lucky, don't you?
Index 


true - see her

Links:

Index 


true - see thump

Links:

Index 



ADROIT


Willy Dufay (they say this is true)
Composed "Adieu m'amour" in the loo -
Subtle voice parts, all three,
While he handled his wee -
He was quick! And he cleaned up, when through.
Trobador@AOL.COM (Joel Cohen) Index 


true - see mire

Links:

Index 


It's generally held to be true,
that a Hebrew is a male Jew.
It's quite clear to me,
one can easily see,
a female must be a Shebrew.
Robert S. Painter Index 


true - see romance

Links:

Index 



Etiquette Lesson


They called her a prude, that is true.
Demurely she answered, "Fuck you."
If you want to make out
Don't act like a lout
By saying, "Hey, baby, let's screw!"

Most gals like a wee bit of class.
They tend to recoil when you're crass.
You'll never make out
If you whistle and shout
And say things like, "Honey, nice ass!"
A classic, with second verse by Bluebird The first verse is also given as 'They called her a prude, it is true;/ But demure, she replied, right on cue:/ "I'd rather respond/ To a subtle come-on,/ Than to walk up and say, 'Hey, let's screw!'"' Index 


true - see said

Links:

Index 


There was an old man in a trunk
Who inquired of his wife: 'Am I drunk?'
She replied with regret:
'I'm afraid so, my pet.'
And he answered: 'It's just as I thunk.'
Ogden Nash, EOP p165 Index 


The tool of the Bishop of Truro
Was a rich colorado maduro.
And the real cognoscenta
Said his balls were magenta,
Shot through with chiaroscuro.
Dana Thompson, L3 474, Var: 'His balls hung much lower/ And dragged on the floor,/ And sometimes rolled under the bureau.' Index 


An exhibiting fellow from Truro,
Underpaid in a government bureau,
Earned additional dough
With a public sex show,
At the movie house, back in the U-row.
Isaac Asimov Index 


Archimedes, the early truth-seeker,
Leapt out of his bath, cried 'Eureka!'
And ran half a mile,
Wearing only a smile,
Thus becoming the very first streaker.
Stanley J. Sharpless, EOP p69 Index 


The Church, after many a try,
Has developed a birth-control buy,
That's in no way mechanical,
Though goddamned satanical;
On the end of the dong, graft an eye.
Index 


A lively young Wave on a tryst
Lost a falsie while doing the Twist.
Though she struggled to hide it,
Her bust was lopsided,
And gave her a sharp larboard list.
Index 


But if you have want for a tryst,
And horsemeat is what you have missed,
My humble bone's
As long as a roan's
And probably thick as your wrist.
Copyright H. Whelchel, Virginia Beach VA 23452 (Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.) Index 


Diogenes lived in a tub,
A think-tank, and place for a scrub.
When the Cynic got out
He started to doubt:
Was the dirt in or out? That's the rub!
Drogo Montagu, Classical Association News, No. 14, June 1996 Index 


Pulmonary Tuberculosis
Is all very well in small doses,
But a gap in the lung
As big as a bung,
Means years while you twiddle your toeses.
L.G. Udall, EOP p107 Index 


Prope mare erat tubulator
Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
Dessine ingressus
Audivi progressus:
Est mihi inquit tubulator.
L2 63

Links:

Index 


Said an unhappy cocksman named Tuck,
"Some nights a guy's shit out of luck.
For there seldom is heard
A discouraging word
To match Millie's, 'No I won't fuck!'"
L3 211 Index 


"In a monastery", cried Friar Tuck,
"Lewd brothers are pushing their luck;
So are lecherous Abbots
With unwholesome habits -
There's a Monkhouse for that sort of muck!"
Bob Monkhouse, British commedian Index 


There was an old fellow named Tuckem,
Who like little girls and would suck 'em.
When their cunts were hirsute,
They would tickle his snoot,
And he'd rip off their panties and fuck 'em.
L3 915 Index 


There was a young lady named Tucker,
And the parson, he tried hard to fuck her.
She said, "You gay sinner,
Instead of your dinner,
At my cunt you shall have a good suck, ah."
L2 327 Index 


Our boy Dan wed a girl named Tucker,
And one day in the 90's, it struck 'er,
"He likes golf more than sex;
Independence I'll flex,
And leave Dan on the golf course, poor sucker."
Patrick Walsh (re Vice President Dan Quayle) Index 


Said Quayle of the former Miss Tucker,
"I was once such a romantic sucker!
But a day's golf is tough -
Eighteen holes is enough!
When I'm done, I'm just too tired to fuck her."
Vern Morrison Index 


There was a young fellow named Tucker,
Who, instructing a novice cocksucker,
Said, "Don't bow out your lips
Like an elephant's hips.
The boys like it best when you pucker.
L2 328 Index 


There was a young fellow named Tucker,
Who rushed at his mother to fuck her.
His mother said, "Damn!
Don't you know who I am?
You act like a regular mucker!"
L2 832 Index 


There was an inventor named Tucker,
Who built a vagina of yucca,
But his words were obscene,
When the fractious machine,
Got a grip and refused to unpucker.
Index 


tucker - see rump

Links:

Index 


An American fellow from Tucson,
And a lady Korean from Pusan,
Made it sexually,
(Internationally)
And for that they deserve no abuse, son.
Isaac Asimov Index 


[A pious | There was an] old woman named Tweak,
[Had | Who] taught her vagina to speak.
It was frequently liable
To quote from the Bible,
But when fucking - not even a squeak!
L2 255 Index 


There was a young man of the Tweed,
Who sucked his wife's arse thro' a reed.
When she had diarrhoea
He'd let none come near,
For fear they should poach on his feed.
The Pearl - No. 6 - December, 1879, L1 339 Index 


There was a young man named Tweet,
Who minced as he walked down the street.
He wore shoes of bright red,
And playfully said,
"I may not be strong, but I'm sweet."
Index 


Modern girls, the elevens and twelves
Put their morals on very back shelves.
They dress up like trollops
And they get their wallops
By playing with each other and selves.
Tom Patton, P Jan '96 monthly theme: Juvenile Delinquents Index 



Daily Ditty 74 Saturday, 30 August 1997


My sister's best friend is a twerp
Who guzzles her drinks with a slurp
To entrain enough air
For a rendition (fair)
Of "Hail to the Chief" in one burp.
Copyright John Miller Talco TX 75487 Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.

Links:

Index 


King Henry the Eighth was a Tudor,
Of our monarchs we've witnessed fu ludor;
Each wife that he wed,
He led to the bed,
Where he vudor, and wudor, and scrudor.
Kirkham Talbot, EOP p84 Index 


I'm accustomed," said aging Miss Tudor
To the burglar who'd finally screwed her,
"To carrots and candles
And john-plunger handles -
So you, sir, are just an intruder!"
PB Apr 74 Index 


Dyslexia - to verse is TUF.
Of words to use, there ain't eNUF.
But if I NUF reverse,
What FUN - a dyslex verse
And/or perhaps a bit of fluff.
Irving Superior, P Dec 95 monthly theme - Aixelsyd Index 


A neurotic young man from Tulane,
Caused his mother considerable pain.
He poured nitroglycerin
Where his dad put his pisser in,
And then threw her under a train.
L2 833 Index 


A roundly raped girl of Tulane
Cried, "It may not be nice to complain,
But why can't I ever
Get raped in good weather?
I always get raped in the rain!"
L3 782 Index 


There once was a milkmaid from Tull
Who gave some extravagant pulls
Her dad died of fright
At the horrible sight
His daughter was milking the bull!!!!
Lord DeathSpawn Index 


There was a young fellow of Tulsa,
Who said, "Sex has grown very dull, suh,
Yet I'm that much a dope,
If my girl says there's hope,
I don't have the heart to repulse 'er."
Isaac Asimov Index 


A hallowe'en witch sang a tune,
As she boarded her broom for the moon,
This is quite a sad tale,
When she started to sail,
She slipped and dropped splat in Rangoon.
From the 4th Great Vertech Limerick Contest Index 


Superstitious and poor, Mrs. Tunney
Had a habit both touching and funny:
She would wad up a buck
In her cunt ere she'd fuck,
So her husband could come into money.
PB Aug 78 Index 


A cautious young fellow named Tunney,
Had a whang that was worth [any | lots of] money.
When eased in half-way,
The girl's sigh made him say,
"Why the sigh?", "For the rest of it, honey."
L2 253 Index 


Tunney - see Fort Tunney

Links:

Index 


There was a young lady from Tuphet,
Whose box was so huge none could stuff it.
They transplanted the twidget,
Of a rather small midget.
Now she's known as Little Miss Muffit.
Index 


Tuplett - see Wendham

Links:

Index 


There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper.
They sat down to dine,
At a quarter to nine,
At a quarter to ten it was up 'er.
Not the supper - not Tupper - it was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
HHH p62, L2 97

Links:

Index 


A broken-down [lecher | harlot] named Tupps
Was heard to confess in [his | her] cups:
"The height of my folly
Was [diddling | fucking] a collie -
But I got a nice price for the pups."
CPV 86, L1 296 Index 


There was a young tourist in Turin,
For winin' and dinin' and whorin'.
But the girls wouldn't do,
The pasta was glue,
And the wine tasted vaguely of urine.
John Ciardi Index 


The Vizier of Stamboul, a Turk,
Had an emerald hilt on his dirk.
But his dong set with rubies
Drove crazy the pubes
Of ladies who lightened his work.
L2 834 Index 


The wife of El Hassan the Turk,
Fell in love with a fellow named Burke.
When he got to the palace,
So long was his phallus,
He had to stand back from his work.
L3 475, Anyone know if these are real people? Index 


There once was a zealous old Turk,
Who drove all the ladies berserk.
It was not with his prick,
Which was three inches thick,
But his tongue which he worked with a jerk.
L3 916 Index 


While dining on Thanksgiving turkey
A woman began acting quirky
Without saying a word
She made love to the bird -
Well,.. the rest of the story gets murky.
Ogden Nield (writerman@igc.net), TP Index 


There was a young tinker of Turkey,
Whose rhythm at diddling was jerky.
At six-eight and four-four,
He was good, and no more,
But he really was great at mazurky.
L2 835 Index 


There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murkey;
When the day turned out fine,
she ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
Lear1 42 Index 


A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
Index 


There was an old man who said, "Tush!
My balls always hang in the brush,
And I fumble about,
Half in and half out,
With a pecker as limber as mush."
L2 254 Index 


The fame of our Mame was her tushy,
And the front of her cunt. (It was bushy.)
But I heard that her Mike
Preferred for his spike
The place in her face that was swooshy.
Index 


There was a young lady ... tut, tut!
So you think that you're in for some smut?
Some five-line crescendo
Of lewd innuendo?
Well you're wrong. This is anything but.
Stanley J. Sharpless, EOP 22 Index 


A lad lusted after his tutor,
Who tutored him on the computer.
Her talents computable
Made her unscrutable,
Up to the day that he screwed her.
Stargazer Index 


A fine young university tutor
Fed his sex history to a computer.
Due to pulse-circuit stalls,
It reprogrammed his balls,
And he found himself totally neuter.
Index 


A man I once knew was a tutor
Who got himself into a stupor.
When d.e.'s were found
With errors unbound,
He put his fist through his computer!
d.e.'s - differential equations Index 


Miss Norge fra Tverrelvdalen
slåss hårdt om Miss World-pokalen.
Hun var'ke så pen,
men blei nummer én
da bikinien sprakk i finalen...
From HREF="http://www.nndata.no/home/jborgos/limerick.htm" Norwegian Limerics. Translation anyone? Index 


There once was a writer name Twain.
Who had a peculiar stain,
Surrounding the head,
Of his prick: It was red,
And 'twas said to wash off in the rain.
L2 912

Links:

Index 


Twane - see Todpuddle-Twane

Links:

Index 


There was a young lady whose twat
Her lover could never make hot.
Said she, as his javelin
Ripped into her ravelin',
"I hope you have fun, 'cause I'm not."
L3 212 Index 


So here's to the lady named Twenn,
Who loves lying under the men!
That way, when she's screwing,
She knows what she's doing,
Though she gets a flat ass now and then.
L3 213 Index 



Daily Ditty 37 Thursday, 24 July 1997


I've a thing about Day 24
Superstition, I guess, nothing more
But I face it with dread,
Want to stay right in bed,
And avoid what the fates have in store.
Copyright John Miller Talco TX 75487 Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.

Links:

Index 


At the orgy I humped[fucked] twenty-two;
And was glad when the whole thing was [, man, was I glad to get] through.
I don't find it swinging
To do all this change-ringing,
[A whole night of sexing
Turns boring and vexing -]
But at orgies, what else can you do?
EOP p293, PB Oct. 66 Index 


Stood a soldier of just 22
Thinking of his leave-night screw...
............................
............................
............................[cetera desunt]
L2 670

Links:

Index 


Whilst approaching runway-22
The pilot announced to his crew
"Better hold tight -
It's a short one, all right!"
Said the co-, "And the widest one too!"
The Friar Index 


He was handsome and age twenty-eight.
He said, about marriage, "Let's wait."
At first, I was wooed
And then I was screwed
By the fickle finger of fate.
Al Willis, P Aug '95 MONTHLY THEME: Family Values Index 


There was a young man at Twin Lakes,
With a terrible case of the shakes.
He writhed on the lawn,
From midnight to dawn,
Like Laocoon, but with more snakes.
John Ciardi Index 


Two delightful young ladies of Twickenham
Used to let one and all steep their wickenham
But demand fell away
On the rumour that they
Had allowed a clapped youth stick his prickenham
CTD 1980 Index 


There was a young lady of Twickenham
Whose shoes were too tight to walk quick in 'em
She came back from a walk
Looking whiter than chalk
And took 'em both off and was sick in 'em.
Oliver Herford, B-G p64 Index 


There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who used to take cocks without picken' 'em.
She'd kneel on the sod,
And pray to her God
To lengthen & strengthen & thicken 'em.
HHH p53, L2 116 gives: 'Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em./ On her knees every day/ To God she would pray' and CPV 92 is similar. Also 'Two little girls from Twickenham,/ Two little boys with their prick in 'em,/ They lay on the sward/ And prayed to the Lord/ ...' Index 


While sleeping, a sailor from Twickenham,
Was aware of a strange object stickenham.
Before he could turn,
He'd occasion to learn,
His shipmate was plunging his prickenham.
Isaac Asimov Index 


There was a young curate of Twickingham
Whose pants had a wonderful prick in 'em.
He thought it great guns
To disrobe all the nuns,
And this marvelous object to stick in 'em.
L3 1169 Index 


When a hardened old rake felt the twinge,
He'd go barreling off on a binge.
His bawdy-house feats,
Involving girls' seats,
Made the hardiest filles-de-joie cringe.
Isaac Asimov Index 


There once were two Siamese twins
Who, though plural, had singular sins.
One preferred buggery,
The other, skulduggery,
Which involved fucking both "widdershins!"
L2 909, widdershins - anticlockwize Index 


There once was a couple of twins,
Who loved to frolic in fens.
They took off their pants,
And did their little dance,
One comes when the other one grins.
Matt King Index 


There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
For it tickled her bum
And caused her to come
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
Ideally the last line should be upside down. L2 117

Links:

Index 


Twistwith - see Aberystwyth

Links:

Index 



Daily Ditty 67  Saturday, 23 August 1997


One sailor was thought quite a twit
'Cause with girls he just never could hit
'Till a whore in Hung Chow
Gave him lessons on HOW,
Now he gets them ALL - lickety-split!
Copyright John Miller Talco TX 75487 Non-commercial reproduction and distribution rights granted freely provided accompanied by this notice.

Links:

Index 


Abreast of the times, our Miss Twitter,
Has a torrid career as a titter.
Her magnificent dugs
Lure to bed endless lugs,
To a twathole so vast, few can fitter.
L3 476 Index 


There once lived a man named Don Twitty,
Who polled all the men in the city.
The sex they liked best
Above all the rest
Was screwin' a tight pussy-kitty!
Lawrence Craft, Vol 8, 5 Index 


One and one make two,
But if one and one should marry
Isn't it queer-
Within a year
There's two and one to carry.
Nearly a limerick. From the net at location: http://www.fys.ruu.nl/~nienhuys/scijokes/sj14.txt Index 


But that didn't bother those two;
They said as the Bishop withdrew:
"Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And [longer and stronger | much more amusing | [2|4|6|9|10] inches longer] than you."
HHH p78, L2 422

Links:

Index 


two - see esophageal

Links:

Index 


I came home at a quarter past two,
And there spread in bed was my Sue,
With my neighbor, old Fife,
Going down on my wife,
The day that her period came due.
L3 917 Index 


two - see one

Links:

Index 


After downing a six pack or two,
Young Albert took off for the zoo.
His sick bestial quest,
Brought his timely arrest,
For screwing two deer and a gnu.
Index 


There was a young fellow named Twyss,
Whose orgasms forced him to piss.
And most girls objected
To having injected
A flood of his piss, 'midst their bliss.

But one girl - a smart little floozie -
Saw reason for being less choosy.
Said this sensible miss,
'Well, anyway, Chris,
Your piss certn'y cleans out my coosie.'
L1 207 Index 


There was a young man of Tyburnia,
Who was fucking a girl with a hernia.
When he shot in her twat
Why, she also shot
All over him!  Wouldn't that burn ya?
L1 581, only kept from loyalty to Legman Index 


There was a young fellow from Tyne
Put his head on the South-Eastern line;
But he died of ennui,
For the 5:53
Didn't come till a quarter past nine.
EOP p112 Index 


There was a Young Lady of Tyre
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep,
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre
Lear1 78 Index 



Geoffrey Chaucer


Ther once was this ladye from Tyre,
Whoo fild evry mann with dees sire;
Tenn quid was enuf
For your back sete stuf,
But fees for onne nite were much hyer.
Tim Hopkins, EOP p149 Index 


Tyre - see Eire

Links:

Index 


There was an old spinster of Tyre
Who bellowed, "MY cunt IS ON FIRE!"
So a fireman was found,
Brought his engine around
And extinguished her burning desire.
L2 561 Index 


There was a young harlot named Tyson,
Who conceived mad love for a bison.
After loves's fruition,
Her snatch's condition,
Was never again so enticing.
Index 


To an ancient divine of Tyrone,
Was the art of rebushing cunts known.
In each cunt, he would ram,
A fine, prime raw ham,
And then deftly extracted the bone.
L2 836. Rebushing is a technique used on canons when the touch-hole (where the charge is lit) gets worn with constant explosions. Index