There was a hot girl from the Saar Who fucked all, [both] from near and from far. When asked to explain, She replied with disdain, 'I'm trying to buy me a car.'
There was a young Frog from the Saar Who went down on a boy's prick to far. And he near had a spasm When the sudden orgasm Inundated his uvular "R".
Tonight, before hitting the sack, I took your mum's book off the rack. I didn't intend To get to the end, But read from her front to her back!
While humping his wife in the sack, He remarked, "Dear, it's teats that you lack. And your crotch is too snug." She replied, with a shrug, You bastard, get off of my back."
Said a Lesbian lady, 'It's sad; Of all the girls that I've had, None gave me the thrill Of real rapture until I learned how to be a tribade.'
The dark pubic hair of young Sadie, Is the longest you'll find on a lady. You must guess at the angle, When you push through that tangle, But once there, the surroundings are shady.
sadistic - see Rose
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Index"This Injun was rendered heap sad'um. The whites with the guns were quite mad'um. We're forced to retreat, And we cannot compete. We'll build teepees much stronger and pad'em."
I'm displeased when my son's school marks sag. Though he's not quite drug free I still brag. So what, he sells pot? He does not sell a lot, And he never has once burned the flag.
"It's a young wife I need," said the sage, "Who'll react to my sexual rage. My old girl's got no spring, And I do the whole thing-- Damn hard work for a man of my age!"
There once was a man from Sag Harbor, Who used to go with a fag barber. He gave some auditions In many positions, And now he plays flute with Jan Garber.
The men of the sign Sagittarius, Have customs obscene and barbarious. They sow their wild oats With [girls, boys | sheep, cows] and goats, In postures ingenious and various.
Elvis is dead, so they said But in Vegas last week he was wed. Then I saw him in Sears Trying on the brassières Is it me or am I losing my head?
A perverted old barber once said, "I never can trim a man's head, 'Cause I wish that his jowls, Were nearer his bowels, And his nose were a pecker instead."
On a Renoir
There was a young woman who said: "My cheeks are so round and so red, And the light on my dress Is like pure happiness, In the shade of the apple-tree spread.'
A diarrhoetic young sodomite said To a nancy-boy sharing his bed "I regret that I find That your spunk doesn't bind So leave in your penis instead."
The philosopher Berkeley once said In the dark to a maid in his bed: 'No perception, my dear, Means I'm not really here, But only a thought in your head.'
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IndexIf limericks were all that we said And limericks were all that we read What a world it would be For people like me With rhyming entrenched in their head.
A student from Pembroke once said: 'I'll take my [mathematics | maths problems] to bed. My girl isn't willing, But I still want thrilling, I'll integrate, quietly, instead.'
An American programmer said, "I view specifications with dread. I can program in C, VDM, Ada, or Z, But I cannot program in Zed.
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Indexsaid - see Soul
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IndexA junior school teacher once said, 'One day I hope to be wed.' Said Tommy, aged ten: 'With oil short again, 'Twill be warmer with two in the bed.'
A greedy young actress once said, As she gobbled down slices of bread, "If I eat one more crust, I'm sure I will bust" - At which point her audience fled.
There was a young lady who said As her bridegroom got into [their] bed, "I'm tired of this stunt That they do with ones cunt. You can get up my bottom instead."
'No more mistresses,' King Edward said, 'Now gardening's my hobby instead. Now, don't think this silly I've this nice Jersey Lily, All ready to put into a bed.'
'The conception,' an Archbishop said, 'Of a personal Tempter is dead.' But a meek little curate Begged leave to demur; it was something he fought with in bed.
There was an old cynic who said: 'Though I don't despise colds in the head, I get no real thrill Till I'm dangerously ill, With friends eating grapes round my bed.'
There once was a doctor who said: 'Far too many sick folk die in bed: There's no deadlier place And to rescue the race, I suggest using armchairs instead.'
Then Wendy to Peter Pan said, "The children should now be in bed. And don't tell them they Can just fly away. Pete, that's how delinquency's spread."
"The Queen," so an editor said, "Was pleased when a page gave her head; But was more pleased when two Did a synchronized do, While the Queen did a double-page spread."
"They have no head for figures," he said, "So my girls keep the firm in the red. But I don't fret or frown, Since I love to go down, And they sure have the figures for head!"
A school SEX-ED teacher has said Her students are bright and well read; They never will shirk When it comes to hard work, And even do homework in bed.
A School Master's fate has been said To be juxtaposition instead Of a sensible word. This is what we heard: "You've tasted two worms," said the Head.
To a lady he fancied, he said, "Your lips are incredibly red." But he was a gent - The guy really meant: "No doubt you give marvelous head!"
The cute little schoolteacher said, As she gleefully hopped into bed: "If the lads and the lasses In my hygiene classes Could see me right now, they'd drop DEAD!"
Once Pat Robertson's Club members said, "Though on Humanist pap you've been fed, We will convert you To think as we do Or we'll break every bone in your head."
As an LSE graduate said, "As a student, of course, I was red; But now I'm with Shell Let the proles go to hell! My pension is safe till I'm dead."
"Let's do some quilting", she said, As she patted her old mother's head. Ma replied with a grin, "I'd rather drink gin." So she put the old lady to bed.
"The trouble with me," poor old Jack said, "Is that though my mustache has been wax-ed, And I've gook on my hair, And I'm devil-may-care, The fact is, my penis is flaccid."
As he creamed my wife's cunt, the black said, "I could fuck this until she was dead!" As he plugged up her trough, I jerked myself off; "If that's how you feel, go ahead!"
A kindly old lady once said, To a thief she found under her bed, "So near to the door, And so close to the floor, I'm afraid you'll catch cold in your head."
As Bradley is said to have said, "If I think that I'm lying in bed With this girl that I feel, And can touch, is it real; Or just going on in my head?"
As she sucked on Pete's peter, Pam said, "It's the big squirt of come that I dread. That thick baby goo Tastes a lot like cheap glue - I'd prefer it vanilla instead."
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IndexAs he sniffed at her snatch, Peter said: "Woman, something down there sure smells dead. Perhaps I seem hasty, But I doubt if it's tasty, So I'll settle for fucking, instead!"
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Indexsaid - see heck
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Indexsaid - see soul
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IndexWhips and chains, it's often said, Lead to better times in bed, But I take my ladies All the way to Hades, With frequent tender loving head.
said - see Louise
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IndexOur Volunteer leader, it's said Is often betrayed by his head For when he makes plans His devoted fans Will often mistake him for dead! Our Volunteer leader named Jim Will never be thought to be dim - He leaves us because Whatever he does, He can't fix this room to suit him. It's said that we've driven him nuts With all of our ifs, ands, and buts But when he leaves us And gets on the bus He'll be getting us out of our ruts. No matter where Jim goes from here Best wishes are his. Here to Hear Will not be the same As it has since he came And developed his telephone ear. We'll miss Jim a lot, it is true And we want to give him his due So as we're met here We'll give him a cheer And reserve him a room in the zoo.
ŇMy cunt hairŐs so longÓ, Julia said, I sweat half to death when in bed.Ó So she cut off the tuft, That was suffocating her muff, And now itŐs on Lyle LovettŐs head!
The power of Faith, it is said, Can sometimes bring life to the dead. [And the ages have | But ledgend has] shown That it's not been unknown For the converse to happen instead.
said - see Bundt
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IndexOn a Mathematical Diagram
In your Figure 6, it is said, Ten trinities, interlaced, bed - Yet actually not: Only nine have a knot, And the tenth is unknotted instead! The Editor replies Is the trivial knot not a knot? The authors were listing the lot Of all ways three rings link; They were quite right, I think, To say one way to link is to not.
Where once old prairie schooners did sail Filled with travelers weary and frail And the past is long gone, Bravely folks carry on With their skiing and condos at Vail.
A young woman's husband went sailing, And he returned home without ailing, But he'd shaved his moustache, And now she's abashed, To adjust to its lack, she's been failing.
sailor - see Spooner
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IndexThere was a young artist called Saint, Who swallowed some samples of paint; All shades of the spectrum Flowed out of his rectum With a colourful lack of restraint.
MACULATE
As for whether Aunt Hildy's a saint: Though she lived many years without taint, Church officials agree That that rocker CD Is a sin. In the canon she ain't. Was Hilde a Saint, or a mystic? Were her visions Divine, or intrinsic?? Though some say "canonize!" At least one doc's advised: What she saw was quite migraine-specific!
Said a gabby old queer in Saint-Lo: "We sophisticates bugger and blow. Women just bore me, I need men to gore me - I'm a bit of bisexual, you know."
A colonial girl, sweet and sainted, Was by war-striped young Indians tainted. Later, asked of the ravages, She said of the savages, "They aren't [really] as bad as they're painted." An imperialist Ms, sweet and couth, Was by body-painted aboriginal youth Gang banged, though when queried She remarked, ' I am worried Their self-esteem suffered since I was aloof.
In a scene reminiscent of Saki, Malformed Joe saw Doctor deBakey, Then used his transplant, To deflower his aunt, And took off for Paris, quite cocky.
Here's a toast to my old sweetheart Sal, A real down-home old-fashioned gal. For though once or twice She was busted for vice, To me she was always a pal.
When asked to do something salacious, She answered, "Of course not! Good gracious!" But the sight of his tool So induced her to drool That her view, in the end, proved fellatious.
Salamanca - see anchor
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IndexSale - see Crail
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IndexI know [of] a young lass who's for sale. She's really a nice piece of tail. From June to September She'll devour your member, But the rest of the year, she's in jail.
A licentious old justice of Salem Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. But instead of a fine He would stand them in line, With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
The rapists who rape around Salem Hope their genital organs won't fail 'em. It'd look rather silly To tip over a filly, Lacking that which one needs to [assail | impale] 'em.
Said a lighthearted girl from Salerno, "It is better to screw than to burn, oh." St. Peter took note Of this flagrant misquote, And consigned her to Dante's Inferno.
There was a young girl of Salina Who had such a tiny vagina, Men entered and left That diminutive cleft, And now they have had to reline her.
There was a young man from Salinas, Who had an extremely long penis. Believe it or not, When he lay on his cot, It reached from Marin to Martinez.
Nympho Venus, who hailed from Salinas, Had a thing for a medical penis. When M.D.s gave her shots, It would heighten her hots, And a doc might [just] then intra-Venus.
Salique - see Rose
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IndexThere was a young curate of Salisbury Whose manners were Halisbury-Scalisbury. He wandered round Hampshire Without any Pampshire Till the vicar compelled him to Walisbury
There was a young woman named Sally, Who loved an occasional dally. She sat on the lap Of a well-endowed chap, And said, 'Ooo, you're right up my alley.'
There was a young matron named Sally, Who went with her groom up an alley. There was naught she could do; He was too young to screw. She muttered, "How Green Was My Valet."
Said a pregnant young lady named Sally, "I've learned that it's consummate folly To walk home from a dance Without any pants, When the way home leads over the Pali.
A bull-dyke of complexion sallow, Screamed, "Pricks are like wicks without tallow. Why all men admit, They'd prefer a clit." (That's something I find hard to swallow.)
There once was a naughty old salmon Who claimed that he served God and Mammon, But please understand The poor fish was canned When he talked this nonsensical gammon
A pious old jew from Salonika, Said, "For Christmas I'd like an harmonica." His wife, to annoy him, Said, "Feh, That's for Goyim!" And gave him a jews-harp for Hanukkah.
A careless old cook of Salt Ash, With a second-hand car, had a crash. She ploughed through a wall, House, garden, and all, And ended up banger and mash.
An arrogant wench from Salt Lake, Liked to tease all the boys on the make. She was finally the prize Of a man twice her size, And all she remembers is the ache.
There was an old glutton named Sam, Who had a great weakness for ham. When they brought him bacon, He said, "You're mistaken, But I'll eat it all, pig that I am!"
There once was a shepherd named Sam, Who for hellfire did not give a damn. His religion was deep; He fucked pregnant sheep; And washed in the blood of the lamb.
Oh, you and me, and old Uncle Sam, We brought Democracy to Vietnam. We fucked monkeys and yaks, Little girls in black slacks, And smoked pot till we gave not a damn!
When Captain Bligh had reached Samoa We rowed . . rowed . . and rowed some more . . . For punning dismally They put Bligh back to sea Although the judge said, "That was some oar."
There was a young girl of Samoa, Who vowed she'd not fuck any more, Till a man at a dance Pulled down her pants And filled her with spermatozoa.
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IndexThere was a young girl of Samoa, Who plugged up her cunt with a boa. This strange contraceptive Was very deceptive To all but the spermatozoa.
There was a young girl of Samoa, Who determined that no one should know her. One young fellow tried, But she wriggled aside, And spilled all the spermatozoa.
Samoa - see Lahore
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IndexA punctilious scholar from Samothrace, When asked "Is there a hyphen in 'mammoth-race'?" Said "On questions as dicey as That, Dionysius Is the best man to ask: cables, 'Grammar, Thrace'."
At St. Andrews, a quota-based sample Of students gives confidence ample That the men are such terrors, That their probable errors Provide an improper example. While, as for the women, their modes, As judged by some strange episodes, Of avoiding repression By means of regression, Are such that their Warden explodes.
San Bruno - see Bruno
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IndexThere was a young man from San Dimas, Who had such an enormous penis, All the women would cry, As they went by, Please let us share it between us.
San Domingo - see St. Domingo
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IndexHis kookie French mistress, George Sand, Kept "Fingers" Chopin well in hand By suggesting to Fred: "If you knock off for bed, You can bang me instead of your grand!"
Said a cruise ship captain, Sycamore Sand, "Females at sea are putty in hand." On one cruise he found His ship ran aground. "Next time", said he, "It's love on dry ground."
An elderly trooper named Sand Had had a seduction well planned, But he still couldn't muster More luck than had Custer, For Sand, too, had had his last stand.
An astronomiss happily sang, "I've been screwed by the telescope gang, They all had a bit o' me, For I'm the epitome Of the grandly impressive Big Bang."
Said an woman from old San José, To her lover, embarrassed, "Oh say, This vagina of mine, You say is like wine. But today, I'm afraid, it's rosé.
A milliner maiden in Sankey, Said, "Let us have not hankey-pankey!" But after a while She said, with a smile, "For what you have given, I thank 'ee."
In the back street down in San Maduro A tourist from Trenton named Truro Tried to make sweet Conchita, But the chaste senorita Had her sex parts at home in the bureau.
There once was a banker of Sanquhar Alas! he developed a chancre. When told, his G.P. Cried, "Oh, dearie me! There'll be some tirrivee When the whole population of Sanquhar Learns this of their banker."
Said a Frenchman who lived at Sans Souci, "Superstition? Mon Dieu! C'est tout fou, si? Why only ce soir I buggaired un chat noir; To un homme virile, poussy is poussy."
There was an old man of Santander Who attempted to bugger a gander. But that virtious bird Plugged its ass with a turd, And refused to such low tastes to pander. There was a young man from Toulouse, Who thought he would diddle a goose. He hunted and bunted To get the thing cunted, But decided it wasn't no use.
There was an old man of Santander, Who said, "You be goose: I be gander." The shaft of his tool Was soon covered with stool - Shitty time he had trying to land her!
Murmured saty-saint George Santayana, "Freud took a long road to Nirvana, But I follow the wraith Of an animal faith To the pie in the sky of mañana."
There once was a poetess Sapphic, Who wrote about things pornographic. She would daily entwine In the old sixty-nine, And indulge in nefarious traffic.
Sapphire - see Sofia
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IndexSaid an Ogre from old Saratoga, "I've tried to de-Ogre by Yoga. I've stood on my head All day in my bed, But the mirror still says I'm an Ogre."
A philosopher know for sarcasm, Took a tart to his bed for orgasm. He found to his horror, He had a limp jarrer, And denounced her as naught but phantasm.
There was an Old Person of Sark, Who made an unpleasant remark; But they said, 'Don't you see What a brute you must be!' You obnoxious Old Person of Sark.
There was an old person of Sark, Who buggered a pig in the dark. The swine, in surprise, Murmured, "God blast your eyes, Do you take me for Boulton or Park?'
There's a pretty young lady named Sark, Afraid to get laid in the dark. But she's often manhandled But the light of a candle, In the bushes of Gramercy Park.
The nipples of [young] Sarah Sarong, When excited, are twelve inches long. This embarrassed her lover, Who was pained to discover, She expected no less of his dong.
Sarum - See Salisbury
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IndexThere was a young man of Saskatchewan, Whose pecker was truly gargantuan. It was good for large whores, And for small dinosaurs, And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
A friend of mine from Saskatoon Was always out looking for poon. He found some for free But she had H.I.V. So his dick shrivelled up like a prune.
The Hoover in grim silence sat, But sucking no more at the mat; Quietly it grunted As slowly it shunted, And messily disgorged the cat.
His poem he published on Sat., The 2nd of May. Despite that It appeared on the 1st, A feat that I thirst To perform. Time reversed! Crazy cat!
Wanting children, a couple once sat For a course on how to begat. When the doctor expounded, They stood up dumbfounded, And said they could never do that.
There once was a golfer named Satch, Whose tee-shot went wide in a match. It bounced in the crowd, And a girl screamed aloud, "That damn thing went right up my snatch!"
Said Babbage, "With music I'm sated, Since fiddlers and harpists invaded. As for raucous horn tooters, They crash my computers. It's time they were all regulated!"
There once was a jolly young satyr Who when seeing a lass, would then mate her. But when one grew with child, His ardor grew mild, And the next one he saw, well, he ate her.
There is something about satyriasis, That arouses psychiatrists' biasis, But we're both very pleased, We're in this way diseased, As the damsel who's waiting to try us is.
One night when milk froze in the saucer, By hunger disposed to be crosser, Foss curled up in bed And dreamed that Lear read The Fryer's Tail, chosen from Chaucer.
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IndexSaul - see Schwartz
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IndexI met a girl once in Savannah, Who slipped on a peel of banana. The words she let pass As she fell on her ass, Would not please her poppa or mamma.
There was a young man of Savannah, Met his end in a curious manner. He diddled a hole In a telegraph pole, And electrified his banana.
'Dear Albert, of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, We desire to receive our due quota Of amorous sport, And not be kept short By one tittle, or jot, or iota.'
Here's to Patriots - Bang drums, blow saxes! Toot flutes, send out E-Mail and Faxes! We don't have any clout, But they'd perish without We suckers who pay all the taxes!
A young bride was once heard to say, "Oh dear, I am wearing away! The inside of my thighs Look just like mince pies, For my husband won't shave every day."
Throughout the whole world, experts say That it's Geography Rules! O.K.? Though it's not the location But the mere appelation That's important down Limerick way.
The genetic scientists now say Arahs and Jews match DNA. Both are burning up the wire To see if they can hire The lawyers defending OJ. Jews and Arabs, genetic lore, DNA tests matching once more Brother to brother Same as each other, Now they can fight a civil war. Yasir Arafat said with a scowl Something's wrong, I'm calling a foul. I'm telling you, It can't be true, If it is I'll throw in my towel. Yitzhak Rabin responded with glee, "Blood tests prove Arabs the same as me. The consequence Is all are mensch, The whole world is Jewish, don't you see!"
The Million Man March, so they say, Was a winner in [every | quite a big] way. Over 900 thou. assembled somehow. Just13 missed work on that day.
Fierce looking King Kong, people say, Was really quite gent[i]le at play, But he met his sad fate High atop Empire State Because he played too rough with Fay Wray.
Young Raymond was careless, they say, In planning his rolls in the hay; For his last bedded doll Was a Mob capo's moll - The result was...some holes in the Ray!
Young Mozart was once heard to say, "I sit at the keyboard all day. My works, piece by piece, Show a steady increase, And yet I do nothing but play."
Said the Duchess of Windsor, "I say, Our new cook is a really good lay. He's the best that I've had." Said the Duke, "But Egad! Can the man make a decent soufflée;?"
If you join the navy, I must say You'll enjoy it in every way. You'll be part of the fleet, You'll breathe air so sweet And you'll feel a new man every day.
A girl to the druggist did say, "I am bothered by bugs in my hay." "I see what you mean, You need Paris green, To be rid of the things right away." The results of this piece of mischance, Were disastrous, you'll see at a glance. First died bugs, then went trees, Then her pet Pekinese, And two gentlemen just in from France.
In life Isaac often would say,
In life Isaac often would say, That fine limericks are ribald and gay. So when chasing ETs, At least pause, please, and tease Sexy aliens who happen your way.
Daily Ditty 46, Saturday, 2 August 1997
"Do unto others," they say, "As you'd have them treat you, that's the way." (But kindly feel free To omit this with me If you're masochist, crazy, or gay.)
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IndexA whale is a mammal, you say, And a dolphin who swims in the bay, But did you consider The two may be bitter, They're related to us in this way.
say - see dear
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say - see sex
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Indexsay - see shame
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Indexsay - see snood
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Indexsay - see Uganda
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Indexsay - see wide
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IndexAn old miser was once heard to say, After roll Number One in the hay: "This is nowhere as cheap As my usual sheep, Yet I think sex may be here to stay."
Rhoda's Party
Three cheers for you, Rhoda, we say. You've made it to sixty today. You've still got nice hair, And your teeth are all there; That alone rates a great big Hooray! For your multiple talents we clap. Ypu've got feathers to stick in your cap: As an actress, you're fine, As a singer, divine... And your Artwork would sell in a snap. So let's have a wonderful time, As we toast and praise Rhoda in rhyme>>> And here's something nifty; (We know that you're thrifty) This party won't cost you a dime!
A marvelous thing is a scab; The body's one means of rehab. But not for the diseased, They'll soon be deceased, And buried down under a slab.
All Hallow's Eve is so scary, So small boys and girls, please be wary Of corpses all bloody, And mummies all muddy, And werewolves with paws big and hairy.
A lady removing her scanties Heard them crackle electrical chanties; Said her husband, 'My dear, I very much fear You suffer from amps in your panties.'
Of math tests I've always been scared Most answers I guessed if I dared I really did fine Right up to the time They told me that pie are squared?
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IndexA northerner, ragged and scarred, Displayed to a wandering bard, A shield for his back, All battered and black, And remarked it was called his Asgard.
Let's enter the literary scene, The whole world of [what] might-have-been, But it's best to recall, Before having a ball, What's Literature can't be obscene.
As you surf through the Internet scene And find many poems obscene, The best limericks are naughty, So don't be too haughty. 'Tis not a great limerick when clean! If you think that this makes me quite crass, Then most of these lines do bypass. But for the rest of the lot, The perverse is what's sought. So I welcome you, laddie or lass!
At our last dance a young man named Schacht, Was admired by the girls for his tact. When he wanted a lay, He would bow low and say, "May I have your next sexual act?"
There was an old hag from [Schalot | Shalot]
Who lived on [frog | pig] shit and snot.
When she [grew tired of | couldn't get] these,
She'd [eat the green | live off the] cheese
[That grew on the insides |
Which she scraped from the walls] of her twat.
On Easter, 1916 by W.B. Yeats
There was a collection of schemers, Who swore they were going to redeem us. I said 'No, you're not' But now they've been shot. The heroes! The darlings! The dreamers!
Said a cool little miss from Schenectady, "A murrein on words like synechdoche. Let some master of arts Play with wholes and with parts, As for me, I prefer hysterectomy."
Said and angry old man of Schenectady, "By God, ma'am, I'll fracture your neck today!" Then he ended the life Of his long-faithful wife. So he finally did it, by heck, did he?
There was a young man in Schenectady, And he found it quite hard to erect, said he, Till he took an injection, For deficient erection, Which in just the desired way, effected he!
An arrogant Nazi named Schiff, Broke up with his wife in a tiff. Though he did not lack charm, She complained that his arm, Was the only thing he could keep stiff.
Said Chloe, affecting a schism, "I'm seeing as though through a prism. Those groans that I heard As the world became blurred, Imply that my head's drenched with jism."
A German explorer named Schlichter Had a yen for a boa constrictor; When he lifted the tail, Achtung! 'Twas a male. The constrictor, not Schlichter, was victor.
A seismology coed named Schlichter Had a boy friend named Victor, who licked her With an ardor unslaked Till with ardor she quaked On a scale that surpassed that of Richter.
To a lady whose tee-shirt said "Schlitz," He said, "I admire how it fits." But he was a gent - The guy really meant: "Now, that is a great pair of tits!"
A nostalgic stormtrooper named Schmidt, Used a "Nazi Sex Practices" kit, Which had boots and a whip, With a nice metal tip, But his bride didn't like it one bit.
HEINRICH SCHITZ
A Moravian elder, Hans Schmidt Played the krummhorn while taking a shit. The year plumbing came in, Schmidt took up violin. "More refined," he opined. Then he'd spit.SECUNDA PARS
Yet another Moravian named Finck Eased his bladder while playing the zinck. When Hans Schmidt made a do Fidd'ling scales in the loo Brother Finck had to pinck in the sink.
There once was a bridegroom named Schmidt, Could never divine his wife's clit. She complained all disgruntled: "I love to be frontalled - Cunningiling-is my favorite bit!"
Daily Ditty 62 Monday, 18 August 1997
Last night I was guest at the Schmidts. I left there scared out of my wits. There were hideous shrieks, Framed pictures of freaks, And bathtowels marked "His," "Hers," and "ITS!"
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IndexThere was an old soldier named Schmitt, Took a trip to the can for to shit. To his epic despair No paper was there, So he simply continued to sit.
There once was a sergeant named Schmitt Who wanted a crime to commit. He thought raping women [Was] a little too common, So he buggered an aged tomtit.
A vengeful technician named Schmitz Caused a disk drive to go [on the fritz. | into fits.] He covered the platter With bats' fecal matter. Now it's seek time is really the pits.
Cried her partner, 'My dear Lady Schmoosing, While I'll own that stinkfinger's amusing, Still, this constant delay Tends to hold up the play, And the goom on the deck's most confusing.'
There was a young fellow named Schmutz Who was able to rotate his putz, An aptitude queer Which made him the dear Of the girls, and the death of his nuts.
There was a young lady named Schneider, Who often kept trysts with a spider. She found a strange bliss In the hiss of her piss, As it strained through the cobwebs inside her
Schnossel - see Throstle
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IndexAn impetuous duellist named Schocked Wouldn't stand for his skill being mocked. When taunted one day, He entered the fray, And regretfully went off half-cocked.
There once was a high school scholar, Whose brain grew smaller and smaller. It grew so small, in fact, It was hardly intact, So he sold it to science for a dollar.
There was a young lady named Schneider, Who often kept trysts with a spider. She found a strange bliss In the hiss of her piss, As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
Dick and Jane one day came home from school And declared they had learned a new rule; That, a hammer needs nails, And a sailboat needs sails, And a screw always needs a good tool.
I was never thought clever at school, And by some was considered a fool. But of all Cupid's stunts, Where they prove stupid cunts, Its the duds like me, last out the spool.
There are a few girls in school Who would boff any old fool, But those with the A's Know who plays, And boff Professor O'Doul.
There was a young lady in school, Who did cross-stitch, embroidery, and crewel. Knit and crochet Could fill up a day, But none will be finished by Yule.
A well-equipped fellow at school Has the whole class admiring his tool. This magnificent dong Is just twelve inces long, But he don't use it much - as a rule.
What! Sex education in schools! And tell kids the risks and the rules? Who will want, without doubt, Themselves to find out What makes of their elders such fools.
Sex education in schools Occasions occasional drools That start at the mouth Then peter down south Emerging in up-coming tools.
A waitress on day-shift at Schraffts, Has a couple of interesting crafts. She's exceedingly able At upsetting the table, And screwing in dumb-waiter shafts.
"Ach du lieber," roared Dr. von Schtoopen, "Small vunder der schpirits iss droopen. You haff constipation, A common stagnation, [That | Vich], in Cherman, ve call farfrumpoopen!''
To the penis of feeble old Schuster Was attached an electrical booster. In a screw with Miss Drew, His main rheostat blew, And she felt like a snowplow had goosed 'er.
schvanze - see hicks
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Indexschwa - see missed
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IndexThere was a young harlot named Schwartz Whose cock-pit was studded with warts. And they tickled so nice She drew a high price From the studs at the summer resorts. Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, Was seldom hard up for a diddle. For according to rumor, His tool had a tumor, And a fine row of warts down the middle. Her brother, a bastard named Ben, Could rotate his pecker, and then He would shoot through his rear, Which made him the dear Of the girls, and the envy of men. Her other young brother, named Saul, Was able to bounce either ball. He could stretch them and snap them, And juggle and clap them, Which earned him the plaudits of all.
A lewd polo player named Schwartz Spied a blonde wearing flesh-colored shorts. He skipped the next chukker Expressly to fuck 'er - That's what's nice about out-of-door sports!
There was a young fellow named Schwartz Who was hounded by girls of all sorts. He tickled them good (Like no other brand could) For his penis was studded with warts.
A lethargic young track star named Schwartz, Ran a three-minute mile, say reports. This remarkable gait, Which caused year-long debate, Was the work of a wasp in his shorts.
Pippen and Jordan are schweet With Rodman, who's tattooed his meat. Air's waggin' some tongue - The Hornets got stung. Rice, Mason, and Curry looked beat.
There were two young girls in the Scillies Who cut up The Times for their frillies. To have used The Express Would show poor sense of dress. Tempora mutantur nos et mutamur in illis. There were two young girls in the Scillies Who cut up The Times for their frillies. Which prompted the banter Tempora mutantur Nos et mutamur in illis.
John Bobbitt's detractors will scoff, For it seems the judgments's been soft. He's been retrofitted And now he's acquitted. That's the last time he ever gets off.
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IndexSaid a wife to her husband near Scole, Who'd forgotten to order the coal: 'I knew you'd forget. You've a head like a net; Where there isn't a knot there's a hole.'
Scone - see Sloan
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IndexA virile young villain of Scone Had a pecker as hard as a stone. This made things quite nice; He could thrust it in twice And still there'd be starch in his bone.
There once was a swinger named Scoop, Who liked to have sex in a group. One night there were six; Two cunts and four dicks, So someone was packing his poop.
The king gave the press a hot scoop, Advocating a birth control group, "My kingdom to these, If they use I.U.D.s. Which you might say is throne for a loop."
There's a coughmixture scopolamine And its equal has never been seen 'Twould make staid Tutankamen Laugh and leap like a salmon And his mummy hop Scotch on the green.
A dozen, a gross and a score, Plus three times the squareroot of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, is nine square plus zero, no more.
Her ex asked her new love with scorn If used merchandise made him forlorn. "Not at all," he replied, "She's just like a new bride, Once I get past the part that is worn."
You can't blame me, dear husband, for scorning A cock that just shrinks without warning. If you had a tiddly As game as my widdly, I'd keep you plugged in until morning.
Juanita, the subject of scandals, Used to make use of unscented candles, But now thinks it is nice To use a device With batteries, buzzers, and handles.
Once a grasshopper (food being scant) Begged an ant some assistance to grant. But the ant shook his head, "I can't help you," he said, "It's an uncle you need, not an ant."
Wee Jamie, a canny young Scot, Observed, when the kettle was hot, That the steam raised the lid, And it's thanks to this kid That you and I know Watt's watt.
Scot - see Scott
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IndexThere once was a old man, a Scot, Too onery to piss in a pot. So late every night, When his bladder got tight, He filled up his old lady's twat.
We claim to be pureblood Scot. On our tree, nary a blot. But we don't know 'Cause it doesn't show Whether a bull jumped the fence or not.
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IndexWhile loaded from drinking some scotch, She shaved all the hair from her crotch. She now goes to work in A henna-hued merkin That matches the face of her swatch.
Limericks about Scots and Scotland
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There was a young fellow named Scott Who took a girl out on his yacht - But too lazy to rape her He made darts of brown paper, Which he languidly tossed at her twat.
When purchasing cheese, Mr.Scott Would examine with care the whole lot. He would make a selection When he got an erection From the cheese that smelled like a twat.
An eccentric young fellow named Scott, His intelligence wasn't too hot. So small was his wit, That he started to shit With his trousers draped into the pot.
The old engineer named Scott, Had his prick fall off from the rot. So he went to the basement, To make a replacement From tungsten, plastic, and snot.
There once was a painter named Scott, Who seemed to have hair but had not. He seemed to have sense, 'Twas an equal pretence On the part of the painter named Scott
The skater, Barbara Ann Scott Is so fuckingly 'winsome' a snot, That when posed on her toes She elaborately shows Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
A certain young fellow named Scott, Once jumped his young bride on their cot. He intended no shirking, But from sheer overworking, A dry run was all that she got.
There was a young student of Scottomy, Who said, "What have these wenches got o' me? I have lost father's knees, Likewise my pancreas, And I fear I shall die of phlebotomy."
A bricklayer, his jowl in a scowl, Wore as work clothes a towel with a cowl. Fellow workers he miffed Even on the first shift When he'd howl, "This is my night to trowel!"
scowl - see say
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IndexThe partitioning of Vladimir Scowles Was sickening: they came on his bowels In a firkin; his brain Was found clogging a drain, And his toes were inside of some towels.
When Shakespeare awakes with a scream His member a-dripping with cream, 'Tis just the commission Of nocturnal emission, Which he dubs, "A Mid-Slumber's Night-Stream."
A stitcher was once heard to scream, "I'll never buy more udder cream." "Put it on udder and teat," Hubby said, "This is neat!" As he chased, in his eye was a gleam!
Daily Ditty 162 Thursday, 27 November 1997
There's a vulture that sits on my screen And smirks at that evil machine While that buzzard was lurking The hard drive quit working And I've commented loud and obscene
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IndexHe was known as a wonderful screw, With his dink in the pink all day through. But the fine days of plenty, Were done after twenty, When the red in his balls turned to blue.
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IndexThe right to decide when to screw, Is one that the femmes now pursue. If the girls get the voice, In making that choice, It won't be how much, but with who.
When [Brother | Father] John wanted a screw, He'd stuff a fat cat in a shoe, Pull up his cassock, And kneel on a hassock, While doing his damnedest to mew.
screw - see Benares
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Indexscrew - see Chaldees
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Indexscrew - see stone
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Indexscrew - see chagrin
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IndexA young do-it-your-selfer, once screwed Two pieces together. If you'd Like to know what he made, You must ask Adelaide, And her little kid sister, Gertrude.
screwin' - see rump
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IndexAn Arapaho given to screwing Laid a lush tourist dolly from Ewing. As he slowly withdrew, He said, "Heap good cunt, you. Now douche yourself, babe and quit stewing."
scrip - see Ryde
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IndexA vainglorious diver in his scuba Tried to rape a small whale south of Cuba. But she-whales are grim, And what she did to him Would make a Dead March on the tuba.
There was a young lady at sea Who complained that it hurt her to pee. [Said the brawny old | I see said the] mate: "That accounts for the fate [state] Of the [cook and the captain | captain, the purser] and me."
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IndexSee also Dundee
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IndexA tse-tse fly, wholly at sea, Unsure whom to bite, you or me, At last settled on you Who then whacked him in two, And the tse-tse fly now is a tse.
Daily Ditty 68 Sunday, 24 August 1997
A sailor who sailed on the sea Was clever as clever could be. He would tell every girl, "There is only one pearl!" And every girl thought it was she!
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IndexDaily Ditty 75 Sunday, 31 August 1997
One day as I fished on the sea A mermaid came visiting me Though just right on top T'other end was a flop With no parts to show she was a she "We lay eggs," she informed me with glee, "Which are fertilized as they float free." Mermen are excused If they're less than enthused And merchildren rare in the sea.
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IndexThere was a strange poet named Sean, Who cared not who he laid [upon | upean]. But she gnashed a tooth loose When he called her abstruse: A gal so far out, she was [gone | gean].
There once was a villain named Seagress, Who tried changing his luck with a negress. But her cunt was as loose As the balls on a moose, So he ended up in her rear egress.
There once was a handsome young seaman Who with ladies was really a demon. In peace or in war, At sea or on shore, He could certainly dish out the semen.
"The PBS people are searching for money that's out there lurking. Could Trobador's rhymes, Short, sweet and sublime, be the answer toward which they are lurching?
In the catalogue published by Sears, A layout by Dali appears. It depicts a June bride, With three breasts on each side, Caressing a penis with ears.
Said an unhappy female named Sears: "The world is just full of those queers! Every party I go to There's no one to say no to; The men swish about waggling their rears."
A naive young fellow named Sears Oncw spend the week-end with two queers. Although we've inquired, He won't say what transpired, But he hasn't sat down for two years!
There was a young man from Seattle, Whose testicles tended to rattle. He said as he fuckèd Some stones in a bucket, "If Stravinsky won't deafen you, that'll."
There was a young man of Seattle Who bested a bull in a battle. With fire and [with] gumption He assumed the bull's function, And [deflowered | serviced] a whole herd of cattle.
There was a young girl from Seattle Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. But a bull from the South Left a wad in her mouth That made both her ovaries rattle.
Seattle - see Cobain
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IndexThere was a young man from Seattle, Whose balls were so small they would rattle. He tried 'em on chickens, Got good as the dickens, And now he can satisfy cattle.
There once was a man from Seattle Who had screwed a lot of cattle. His balls hung so low He tied both in a bow, And swung them over his saddle.
A cowhand way out in Seattle, Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. He said, "No, I can't fuck A lamb or a duck, But golly! It just fits the cattle.
seduced - see surgeon
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IndexIsaac the famous seducer Will meet a young lass and conduce her To let him get fresh With her quivering flesh, But if there [isn't | ain't] time he'll just goose her.
A woman [who] just wanted to see, If she stood up, how far she could pee. She'd a pardon to beg, When it ran down her leg, And formed icicles off her left knee.
A Greek shopper happened to see, A book with the title of 'Z'. "These equations", he said, "Are over my head. The movie seemed clearer to me!"
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IndexWhen reading these limericks, you'll see, I've written [them] with great liberty. They're all about sex In a literal context, And unintended for mixed company. Each limerick presents mental pictures In all of the verses and scriptures. In many you'll find A lascivious mind Extolling our sexual fixtures.
My computer thinks I cannot see, That he thinks he is smarter than me. If I trip on a rug, It might pull out the plug, And accidents happen to me.
Vampires are immortal you see, And just between you and me, They might exist, But only in mist, So you're safe if you climb up a tree.
see - see chagrin
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Indexsee - see disappointed
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Indexsee - see NG
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IndexPolonius was wise, as you'll see, When from Denmark his son wished to flee. His advice was quite clever, As he said one should never A lender or borrower be. Poor Ophelia went out of her mind; For her father she woefully pined; When Prince Hamlet's sword Pierced that once noble Lord Through the drapes he was hiding behind.
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IndexIf your body has just gone to seed From a life of bad habits and greed, Don't despair, join a gym. Eat good food. Learn to swim. Very soon you'll be fitter indeed!
FRIEDRICH NIETZCHERICKS II:
But while power's what all our drives seek, Many are and remain always weak. These have no respect due - Quite unlike select few, For whom power exceeds normal peak. Yet others (And all their deeds show it!) Have great strength in a form that's inchoate. Al their acts, "good" or "evil," Involve such upheaval, They're less apt to succeed than to blow it. Still it's only by means of such passion That we're freed from antique fad or fashion. Now that God is defunct, God-made "man" should be junked. And that's dangerous work: Adam smashin'! From our cradles, still whining and puling, We're subjected to outmoded schooling. After heaven's demise, Here on earth let's get wise: Good and Evil's no privileged ruling. But destruction's not all that we need When we're trying to shape a new breed: Apostate, Apostle: One set free, one a fossil - Either way, live your life by some creed! We'll see Superman given a boost When our powers are finally loosed. But unless these get aimed Via values we've framed, It's still mass-Man that's ruling the roost. While the fictional hero's escapist, No one knows, yet, what Superman's shape is. But though Power's his "thing," Don't infer, if he's king, That he'll just be a killer or rapist.
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IndexIt is useless for people to seek A pisser like Dribblepuss Beek: He'll sit for a year, Drinking oceans of beer, Then knock off and piss for a week.
A wedding story
Said the Dad, to a suitor who seeked to marry his daughter that week: "My girl's flaw ain't minor; It's Acute Angina." "I know," said the suitor, "I've peeked!"
seeker - see truth-seeker
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IndexOh, Shakespeare's love life, 'twould seem, Was something not quite on the beam. Too lazy to fuck, Not wanting to suck, He preferred A Midsummer Night's Dream.
seem - see shed
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IndexWhen Cupid loved Psyche, it seems, Their sex life was one of extremes. Their performance in bed Exceeded, it's said, The wildest sex orgies of dreams.
Never before have I seen A lady whose teeth do so gleam. You can turn out the light, And close her mouth tight, But boy, do those teeth still beam!
On one point, an agreement was seen: Both allowed that the barf was obscene. But détente was soon dead When the IRA said, "We can't censure the wearing o'green!"
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Indexseen - see nation
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IndexThe Limerick's the best poem I've seen If you've read them you know what I mean. You can read pages and pages They appeal to all ages - Yet none of the good ones are clean. Bravo! I say to your post. Your limerick's funnier than most. It truly was hearty, could be read at a party, With you, John, acting as host.
My personal health plan selects A charm that protects against hex, An apple a day (Keeps the doctor away), And plenty of good holesome sex.
Seles - see chums
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Index'I'm glad pigs can't fly', said young Sellers (He's one of those worrying fellers). 'For if they could fly, They'd shit in the sky, And we'd all have to carry umbrellas.'
There was a young stripling from Selma, Who sucked off his mother, named Thelma. "I never did dream A cunt held so much cream, But God! what a terrible smell, ma!
A potulent Preacher at Selwyn Said, "Don't let the forces of hell win; If communion wine With whisky combine, Men's love for pure spirit might well win."
A thesis on matters semantic, Drove a whole lot of programmers frantic. Understanding Z(ed), A misnomer, 'tis said, Reviled on both sides of the Atlantic.
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IndexHow varied the family Sen! For instance, Sun Yat, Ib and Jen. Sun Yat changed Cathay, Ib wrote play after play, And Jen played and changed the Top Ten.
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Index"In Boston," said Jane, "it makes sense To go for the specialty; hence I've come to get scrod." And her friend said, "That's odd, You've used the past pluperfect tense."
Steve is a guy with no sense. His odious post makes offense. His spelling is hell. His rhyming doth smell. The stench of his verse makes me tense. So, Steve, get yourself in high gear, And leave us a limerick here. Or if you've no skill, Just wank yourself ill. I hope this is perfectly clear.
Said Miguel to the gringo, "Señor, Eef I open thees here closet door, An' dee lady eenside, Ees my leetle lost bride, Then I theenk I mus' shoot you some more."
There once was a gay senorita Who pleasure was munching a peter. She said, "It's much neater, And certainly sweeter, And aesthetically, somehow, completer!"
sensation - see Venus
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IndexThat bottle of perfume that Willie sent Was highly displeasing to Millicent; Her thanks were so cold, That they quarreled, I'm told, Over that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.
To a newsgroup a message was sent From a man on the west side of Kent It didn't appear For over a year And he never found out where it went.
There was a young lady named Sentry Who claimed to be raped by some gentry. But the judge said, "Dismissed!" When he looked where she pissed, And saw no signs of forcible entry.
There once was a braw Scottish sentry, Who was standing his post by the entry. When the Queen saw his stature, And yielding to nature, She soon made him one of the gentry.
Hermaphrodites cause a sensation By their odd, two-in-one combination. Concave or convex They are partly each sex, And a dilly at self-fornication.
A southern belle known for wry sentences, Whose humor was darker that Clinton's is, Was heard to exclaim When the Orkin man came, "Does anyone know wheah the kitten is?"
A Korean whose home was in Seoul Had notions uncommonly droll; He'd get himself stewed And pose in the nude On top of a [telegraph | telephone] pole.
Daily Ditty 105 Tuesday, 30 September 1997
I should sing you a song of September And of life dying down to an ember I should reminisce About that and of this But it's all too damn hard to remember ...
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IndexThere once was a maiden seraphic Who doted on attitudes Sapphic. She annointed her cunny With essence of honey - There's nothing like gumming up traffic.
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IndexSaid Napoleon, emperor serene, While scouting around for a queen, "I'd much rather squeeze a Maria Louisa, Than sleep with that bitch, Josephine."
A financial advisor in serge Met a woman and had a great urge. When he made his advance You could tell by his pants He would ask her if she'd like to merge.
A bard once in lakelapped Sermione Lived in peace, eating locusts and honey, Till a son of a bitch Left him high on the beach Without clothes, boots, time, quiet or money.
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IndexIf n in a Taylor series goes 2 to 11 by threes for x = 1 convergence is done 'twixt zero and two, I believe.
There was an old man of Seringapatam, Besmeared his wife's anus with raspberry jam, Then licked off the sweet, And pronounced it a treat, And for public opinion, he cared not a damn.
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IndexThere was an old lez of Seringapatam, Who always wore pants and did not give a damn. No bra cramped her titty, Her ass was all shitty, And whenever she piddled, she strode like a man.
The Japanese student was serious. He said: 'I am studying Derius. My interests are various Incruding Siberius Ruosrawski and Rassus and Berrioz.
servants - see monsters
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IndexAs the natives got ready to serve A midget explorer named Merve; 'This meal will be brief,' Said the cannibal chief, 'For this is at best an hors d'oeuvre.'
The Bard of the North, Robert Service, Was poking a lady named Jervis She murmured, "Oh, Bob, You do such a nice job But those snow shoes you wear make me nervous."
The life of a clerk of the session Was strangled in psychic repression, But his maladies ceased, When his penis increased, In straight geometric progression.
Daily Ditty 193 Saturday, 27 December 1997
Jan's appendix came out in a session That left a real lasting impression. Now she tells us with pride She makes more on the side Than her regular day-time profession.
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IndexThere was an Old Person of Sestri, Who sate himself down in the vestry; When they said, 'You are wrong!' He merely said, 'Bong!' That repulsive Old Person of Sestri.
A giddy young lass of Sesuit Fell in love with a lad from Cotuit. Said the preacher from Wareham Who proceeded to pair 'em, "Sesuit, Cotuit, go to it!"
There once was a priestess of Set Whom a shaman pursued on a bet. Though she turned into a snake, He won the stake, But it's something he'd rather forget.
There once was a man named Seth. Was asked why he was so short of breath "It's my wife's huge boobs! They're like inner tubes! And keep me half smothered to death!
Nan, Saw, and Paw, of Setucket, Between them had only one bucket. Nan took it and ran And the trouble began; Sawtucket, Pawtucket, Nantucket.
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IndexA poet, whose pen-name was Seuss, Was arrested for verse too abstruse. To lead him to jail, They followed the trail Of a South-going, web-footed floose.
When Jenny was but age seven, Her thighs were a source of pure Heaven. She's still learning yet And it's my bet she'll get Even better by the time she's eleven!
There was an old couple of Seville Whose habits were all [quite] medieval. They would strip to the skin, Then each take a pin And pick lint from the other one's navel.
There was a young lady naed Seward Who claimed she had never been skewered, Till the time she was trapped in The hold by the captain, And was fucked by the purser and steward.
Ken Starr: Pro and Con
PRO
There's no glory in cleaning the sewer. That's a fact that has never been truer. But if no one will do it, Then all must wade through it, As clean spots get fewer and fewer.CON
He's really quite proud of himself, A smutty, self-satisfied elf; A scum sucking drone Who's sure he, alone, Known what's best for the nation itself. As for filth, he's a dogged acquirer; And of privacy, he's no admirer. He's ready to pounce; And pleased to announce: He's been hired by the National Enquirer!
The thoughts of a rabbit on sex Are seldom, if ever, complex; For a rabbit in need Is a rabbit indeed, And does just what a person expects.
If Gracie Allen were the last of her sex, And I were the last of mine, I'd ease my tool By fucking a mule Or maybe a porcupine.
There was a young poet whose sex Was aroused by aesthetic effects; Marvell's The Garden Gave him a hard-on And he came during Oedipus Rex.
This girl who masturbated for sex, Was becoming one nervous wreck. She became such a glutton Rubbing on her clit-button, Soon ceased to play with a full-deck!
Sigmund Freud's discussion of sex Centers much around Oedipus Rex: A stupid young sucker Who turned motherfucker, And placed quite a hex upon sex.
Daily Ditty 107 Thursday, 2 October 1997
"I've endured twenty years of bad sex," Said the wife, "And it really does vex." Laughed the husband, "Well I Am unwilling to try Upgrading your beaus to MY specs!" "Upgrading specs?!! You're so smart! Some wisdom I'd like to impart. I'm Venus, you're Mars. It's ordained by the stars. Your love is all science- no art!" This really is a load of old crap "I'm Venus, You're Mars" What a Sap! When it comes to the crunch We all like to munch On the bits that wobble and flap. Oh dear! Do you see what I mean? Our disparate tastes can be seen. You're munching and crunching; I like elegant lunching With men who are far less obscene. You see, men who do lunch with you Might seem proper and good in your view But these ones called new man Just have a far better plan To trick you and get a quick screw. Thanks for the warning! I'm in your debt! This New Man's an infant with no etiquette. He plays tricks to entrap, goes home, bumps some rap; Bet he's not even potty trained yet! What, my "love is all science- no art?" Here's my manual on ways of the heart ... I'll bet if I look I can find in this book A section that covers that part. Dear John, it is true what you say. You'll find that and more. Don't delay. Land sake's alive! Let's do page five, Gently! The damn book's in the way! Page six covers "book in the way," But I have gone without in my day: I've misplaced my glasses While processing lasses And had to proceed my own way But I must say it's come out all right Though the job took me half of the night I passed peer review And learned something new: One can cope if you don't get up-tight. Poor Martin, he never will learn. His approach will make ladies yearn For a touch that's velvet. His charge with a helmet Insures that he'll soon crash and burn. Now Martin, be slow take your time. Bring flowers, recite a love rhyme. It's well worth the wait, You won't get the gate. Your reward will sure be sublime. Flowers? Oh..I'm really not sure You think it's a good enough lure? The girls that I know Are the kind that will go With me with my mind like a sewer. Stop with the throwing of stones. Enough of the moanings and groans. The girls we all know Will take ANY beau If he's got all the right pheromones.
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IndexThe difference between the two sexes Is the same in both China and Texas, Korea, Valbonne, Cairo, Crete, and Athlone, For the same genitalia connexas.
A medical student called Seymour Wanted no-one to think him a dreamer. His wine he would mull In a dissected skull, And he scrambled his eggs with a femur.
"As the curtains get shabbier and shabbier, His Lordship gets crabbier and crabbier. I must really admit I'm the reason for it, For my figure gets flabbier and flabbier!"
Tim said to his wife, up in Shafter, "Seems to me there's a man in the rafter." She smirked, and then said, "Come, get into bed. I'm saving that fellow for after."
Shah - see Czechs
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IndexOn Tennyson's Lady of Shalott
There once was a lass of Shalott, Who was put in a bit of a spot; For girls to make passes At guys glimpsed in glasses Apparently isn't so hot.
The chief charm of a whore in Shalott Was the absence of hair on her twat. She kept it smooth looking Not by shaving or plucking, But by all [of] the Fucking she got.
Said the gay Chatelaine of Shalott, "I wish I had teeth in my twat. For just think", said she, How nice it would be, To keep all the pricks that I got.
Daily Ditty 93 Thursday, 18 September 1997
The project's behind, what a shame! (You know who the bosses will blame) Deadline must be met, We're overworked, yet Our salaries stay just the same. The time we have spent, they will say, Has enriched our sad lives in some way. Don't we learn as we work? (If we don't go beserk) Still I'd rather they "enrich" my pay!
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IndexThere was an old man of Shamokin, Fucked his wife with his wooden leg, oaken. So quick did he stick her, Pretending to prick her, That he soon had her cunt all a-smokin'.
A lonely surveyor named Shand Gave in to a native's demand: She was eager to screw.... It was then that Shand knew He'd at last got the lay of the land!
A soldier on guard at Camp Shanks, Walked his post by the old water tanks. As he walked on the grass, He trod hard on an ass, And heard a young lass murmur, "Thanks."
There was a young girl of Shanghai Who was so exceedingly shy, That undressing at night, She turned off the light For fear of the All-Seeing Eye.
Remember the night in Shanghai, When we put down two gallons of rye, And all eight of the ladies, At Singapore Sadie's? How the days of our youth hurry by!
Said a girl being had in a shanty, 'My dear, you have got it in slanty.' He replied, 'I can use Any angle I choose. I ride as I please - I'm Duranty!'
There once was a man named Shaq, For b-ball he had quite a knack. He was really tall, And could palm the ball, And is young and gifted and black.
Her husband's a pimp, and will share (For a lucrative fee) the quite rare Connubial privilege Of licking the dribblage, That oozes from 'round her cunt hair.
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IndexThere's a certain young woman named Sharon, Who's decided to marry a baron. At age eighty-four He can do it no more. But he's rich, so she isn't despairin'.
A lady on climbing Mount Shasta Complained as the mountain grew vaster, That it wasn't the climb [Nor] the dirt and the grime, But the ice on her ass that harassed her.
Daily Ditty 38 Friday, 25 July 1997
I took Sally out back of the shed "I have something to show you," I said She said, "Ugh! What a sight! I know looking's not right, I've a place we can hide it instead."
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IndexDaily Ditty 39 Saturday, 26 July 1997
Said my Sally, out back of the shed, "That's all of THIS, Johnny boy, 'till we're wed 'Cause what we just did Could result in a kid, And besides, I'd prefer it in bed." Things can always get worse than they seem; I'm inventing a limerick machine! And when I am done Where today I wrote one - Tomorrow, one hundred fifteen!
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IndexWhen a man queried saleslady Shedd As to whether a fully made bed Had springs that were quiet, She answered, "Just try it!" As she pulled down the blankets and spread.
A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, Had achieved some renown For her tone going down - There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
Cried a great English writer, "Oh, Shaw! My testes are small as the Dickens." Said his surgeon, "Great Scott! Here's a fine pair-o'-Keats'; I'll transplant them and make your Balsworthy."
The first of 4 limericks celebrating the 90th birthday of G.B.S.
That smasher of shams, Bernard Shaw, Points out to the Sophists the flaw In each flattering unction, And, lacking compunction, Makes hay of the drowning man's straw.
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IndexFourth of 4 limericks to commemorate Shaw's 90th birthday.
All his life, Mr George Bernard Shaw Has enjoyed catching fools on the raw; At ninety we find There's no change of mind, Or decay in the set of his jaw.
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IndexA Gypsy boy stealing some shawls Was kicked by a cop in Sioux Falls. This action was rash And produced a loud crash, For most Gypsies have crystal balls.
Third of 4 limericks to commemorate Shaw's 90th birthday.
O sage of the stage, Shaw of Shaws! As your victims we venture applause. Too ascetic for Paris, Not to mention Frank Harris, Your Webb-footed genius awes.
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IndexThe transplant most wanted by SHE - A penis placed vaginally. No more need for men. But one problem then - With which of them then will she pee?
Daily Ditty 91 Tuesday, 16 September 1997
"Of course I won't charge you," said she, "I do it for love, not for fee. (But you haven't a chance To get into my pants If your will's not made over to me.)"
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IndexTwo monkeys, a he and a she, Were naughty as naughty could be. A twelve-year-old kid Watched to see what they did, Then he went in the closet to pee.
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, 'You must seize it, and squeeze it, And tease it, and please it, For Rome wasn't built in a day.'
There was a young fellow named Shear, Who stuck a ballpoint in his ear. When he punctured the drum, He said, "That hurts some, But the rest of the way through, is clear."
A niece of the late Queen of Sheba Was promiscuous with an amoeba. This queer blob of jelly Would lie on her belly And, quivering, murmur: "Ich Liebe!"
Give a thought to the Empress of Sheba, Who thought Solomon called her Mein Liebe. She brought him wild asses, And grapes from Parnassus, Whilst he gave her - what? - heeba-jeeba.
The priest, a cocksucker named Sheen, Is delighted [their | his] sins are not seen. 'Though God sees through walls,' Says Monsignor, ' - Oh! Balls! This God stuff is simply a screen.'
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IndexThere was an Old Person of Sheen, Whose expression was calm and serene; He sate in the water, And drank bottled porter, That placid Old Person of Sheen.
There once was a Welsh mountain sheep [Who] sang Gregorian Chant in