There was a hot girl from the Saar Who fucked all, [both] from near and from far. When asked to explain, She replied with disdain, 'I'm trying to buy me a car.'
There was a young Frog from the Saar Who went down on a boy's prick to far. And he near had a spasm When the sudden orgasm Inundated his uvular "R".
Tonight, before hitting the sack, I took your mum's book off the rack. I didn't intend To get to the end, But read from her front to her back!
While humping his wife in the sack, He remarked, "Dear, it's teats that you lack. And your crotch is too snug." She replied, with a shrug, You bastard, get off of my back."
Said a Lesbian lady, 'It's sad; Of all the girls that I've had, None gave me the thrill Of real rapture until I learned how to be a tribade.'
The dark pubic hair of young Sadie, Is the longest you'll find on a lady. You must guess at the angle, When you push through that tangle, But once there, the surroundings are shady.
sadistic - see Rose
Links:
Index"This Injun was rendered heap sad'um. The whites with the guns were quite mad'um. We're forced to retreat, And we cannot compete. We'll build teepees much stronger and pad'em."
I'm displeased when my son's school marks sag. Though he's not quite drug free I still brag. So what, he sells pot? He does not sell a lot, And he never has once burned the flag.
"It's a young wife I need," said the sage, "Who'll react to my sexual rage. My old girl's got no spring, And I do the whole thing-- Damn hard work for a man of my age!"
There once was a man from Sag Harbor, Who used to go with a fag barber. He gave some auditions In many positions, And now he plays flute with Jan Garber.
The men of the sign Sagittarius, Have customs obscene and barbarious. They sow their wild oats With [girls, boys | sheep, cows] and goats, In postures ingenious and various.
Elvis is dead, so they said But in Vegas last week he was wed. Then I saw him in Sears Trying on the brassières Is it me or am I losing my head?
A perverted old barber once said, "I never can trim a man's head, 'Cause I wish that his jowls, Were nearer his bowels, And his nose were a pecker instead."
On a Renoir
There was a young woman who said: "My cheeks are so round and so red, And the light on my dress Is like pure happiness, In the shade of the apple-tree spread.'
A diarrhoetic young sodomite said To a nancy-boy sharing his bed "I regret that I find That your spunk doesn't bind So leave in your penis instead."
The philosopher Berkeley once said In the dark to a maid in his bed: 'No perception, my dear, Means I'm not really here, But only a thought in your head.'
Links:
IndexIf limericks were all that we said And limericks were all that we read What a world it would be For people like me With rhyming entrenched in their head.
A student from Pembroke once said: 'I'll take my [mathematics | maths problems] to bed. My girl isn't willing, But I still want thrilling, I'll integrate, quietly, instead.'
An American programmer said, "I view specifications with dread. I can program in C, VDM, Ada, or Z, But I cannot program in Zed.
Links:
Indexsaid - see Soul
Links:
IndexA junior school teacher once said, 'One day I hope to be wed.' Said Tommy, aged ten: 'With oil short again, 'Twill be warmer with two in the bed.'
A greedy young actress once said, As she gobbled down slices of bread, "If I eat one more crust, I'm sure I will bust" - At which point her audience fled.
There was a young lady who said As her bridegroom got into [their] bed, "I'm tired of this stunt That they do with ones cunt. You can get up my bottom instead."
'No more mistresses,' King Edward said, 'Now gardening's my hobby instead. Now, don't think this silly I've this nice Jersey Lily, All ready to put into a bed.'
'The conception,' an Archbishop said, 'Of a personal Tempter is dead.' But a meek little curate Begged leave to demur; it was something he fought with in bed.
There was an old cynic who said: 'Though I don't despise colds in the head, I get no real thrill Till I'm dangerously ill, With friends eating grapes round my bed.'
There once was a doctor who said: 'Far too many sick folk die in bed: There's no deadlier place And to rescue the race, I suggest using armchairs instead.'
Then Wendy to Peter Pan said, "The children should now be in bed. And don't tell them they Can just fly away. Pete, that's how delinquency's spread."
"The Queen," so an editor said, "Was pleased when a page gave her head; But was more pleased when two Did a synchronized do, While the Queen did a double-page spread."
"They have no head for figures," he said, "So my girls keep the firm in the red. But I don't fret or frown, Since I love to go down, And they sure have the figures for head!"
A school SEX-ED teacher has said Her students are bright and well read; They never will shirk When it comes to hard work, And even do homework in bed.
A School Master's fate has been said To be juxtaposition instead Of a sensible word. This is what we heard: "You've tasted two worms," said the Head.
To a lady he fancied, he said, "Your lips are incredibly red." But he was a gent - The guy really meant: "No doubt you give marvelous head!"
The cute little schoolteacher said, As she gleefully hopped into bed: "If the lads and the lasses In my hygiene classes Could see me right now, they'd drop DEAD!"
Once Pat Robertson's Club members said, "Though on Humanist pap you've been fed, We will convert you To think as we do Or we'll break every bone in your head."
As an LSE graduate said, "As a student, of course, I was red; But now I'm with Shell Let the proles go to hell! My pension is safe till I'm dead."
"Let's do some quilting", she said, As she patted her old mother's head. Ma replied with a grin, "I'd rather drink gin." So she put the old lady to bed.
"The trouble with me," poor old Jack said, "Is that though my mustache has been wax-ed, And I've gook on my hair, And I'm devil-may-care, The fact is, my penis is flaccid."
As he creamed my wife's cunt, the black said, "I could fuck this until she was dead!" As he plugged up her trough, I jerked myself off; "If that's how you feel, go ahead!"
A kindly old lady once said, To a thief she found under her bed, "So near to the door, And so close to the floor, I'm afraid you'll catch cold in your head."
As Bradley is said to have said, "If I think that I'm lying in bed With this girl that I feel, And can touch, is it real; Or just going on in my head?"
As she sucked on Pete's peter, Pam said, "It's the big squirt of come that I dread. That thick baby goo Tastes a lot like cheap glue - I'd prefer it vanilla instead."
Links:
IndexAs he sniffed at her snatch, Peter said: "Woman, something down there sure smells dead. Perhaps I seem hasty, But I doubt if it's tasty, So I'll settle for fucking, instead!"
Links:
Indexsaid - see heck
Links:
Indexsaid - see soul
Links:
IndexWhips and chains, it's often said, Lead to better times in bed, But I take my ladies All the way to Hades, With frequent tender loving head.
said - see Louise
Links:
IndexOur Volunteer leader, it's said Is often betrayed by his head For when he makes plans His devoted fans Will often mistake him for dead! Our Volunteer leader named Jim Will never be thought to be dim - He leaves us because Whatever he does, He can't fix this room to suit him. It's said that we've driven him nuts With all of our ifs, ands, and buts But when he leaves us And gets on the bus He'll be getting us out of our ruts. No matter where Jim goes from here Best wishes are his. Here to Hear Will not be the same As it has since he came And developed his telephone ear. We'll miss Jim a lot, it is true And we want to give him his due So as we're met here We'll give him a cheer And reserve him a room in the zoo.
ŇMy cunt hairŐs so longÓ, Julia said, I sweat half to death when in bed.Ó So she cut off the tuft, That was suffocating her muff, And now itŐs on Lyle LovettŐs head!
The power of Faith, it is said, Can sometimes bring life to the dead. [And the ages have | But ledgend has] shown That it's not been unknown For the converse to happen instead.
said - see Bundt
Links:
IndexOn a Mathematical Diagram
In your Figure 6, it is said, Ten trinities, interlaced, bed - Yet actually not: Only nine have a knot, And the tenth is unknotted instead! The Editor replies Is the trivial knot not a knot? The authors were listing the lot Of all ways three rings link; They were quite right, I think, To say one way to link is to not.
Where once old prairie schooners did sail Filled with travelers weary and frail And the past is long gone, Bravely folks carry on With their skiing and condos at Vail.
A young woman's husband went sailing, And he returned home without ailing, But he'd shaved his moustache, And now she's abashed, To adjust to its lack, she's been failing.
sailor - see Spooner
Links:
IndexThere was a young artist called Saint, Who swallowed some samples of paint; All shades of the spectrum Flowed out of his rectum With a colourful lack of restraint.
MACULATE
As for whether Aunt Hildy's a saint: Though she lived many years without taint, Church officials agree That that rocker CD Is a sin. In the canon she ain't. Was Hilde a Saint, or a mystic? Were her visions Divine, or intrinsic?? Though some say "canonize!" At least one doc's advised: What she saw was quite migraine-specific!
Said a gabby old queer in Saint-Lo: "We sophisticates bugger and blow. Women just bore me, I need men to gore me - I'm a bit of bisexual, you know."
A colonial girl, sweet and sainted, Was by war-striped young Indians tainted. Later, asked of the ravages, She said of the savages, "They aren't [really] as bad as they're painted." An imperialist Ms, sweet and couth, Was by body-painted aboriginal youth Gang banged, though when queried She remarked, ' I am worried Their self-esteem suffered since I was aloof.
In a scene reminiscent of Saki, Malformed Joe saw Doctor deBakey, Then used his transplant, To deflower his aunt, And took off for Paris, quite cocky.
Here's a toast to my old sweetheart Sal, A real down-home old-fashioned gal. For though once or twice She was busted for vice, To me she was always a pal.
When asked to do something salacious, She answered, "Of course not! Good gracious!" But the sight of his tool So induced her to drool That her view, in the end, proved fellatious.
Salamanca - see anchor
Links:
IndexSale - see Crail
Links:
IndexI know [of] a young lass who's for sale. She's really a nice piece of tail. From June to September She'll devour your member, But the rest of the year, she's in jail.
A licentious old justice of Salem Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. But instead of a fine He would stand them in line, With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
The rapists who rape around Salem Hope their genital organs won't fail 'em. It'd look rather silly To tip over a filly, Lacking that which one needs to [assail | impale] 'em.
Said a lighthearted girl from Salerno, "It is better to screw than to burn, oh." St. Peter took note Of this flagrant misquote, And consigned her to Dante's Inferno.
There was a young girl of Salina Who had such a tiny vagina, Men entered and left That diminutive cleft, And now they have had to reline her.
There was a young man from Salinas, Who had an extremely long penis. Believe it or not, When he lay on his cot, It reached from Marin to Martinez.
Nympho Venus, who hailed from Salinas, Had a thing for a medical penis. When M.D.s gave her shots, It would heighten her hots, And a doc might [just] then intra-Venus.
Salique - see Rose
Links:
IndexThere was a young curate of Salisbury Whose manners were Halisbury-Scalisbury. He wandered round Hampshire Without any Pampshire Till the vicar compelled him to Walisbury
There was a young woman named Sally, Who loved an occasional dally. She sat on the lap Of a well-endowed chap, And said, 'Ooo, you're right up my alley.'
There was a young matron named Sally, Who went with her groom up an alley. There was naught she could do; He was too young to screw. She muttered, "How Green Was My Valet."
Said a pregnant young lady named Sally, "I've learned that it's consummate folly To walk home from a dance Without any pants, When the way home leads over the Pali.
A bull-dyke of complexion sallow, Screamed, "Pricks are like wicks without tallow. Why all men admit, They'd prefer a clit." (That's something I find hard to swallow.)
There once was a naughty old salmon Who claimed that he served God and Mammon, But please understand The poor fish was canned When he talked this nonsensical gammon
A pious old jew from Salonika, Said, "For Christmas I'd like an harmonica." His wife, to annoy him, Said, "Feh, That's for Goyim!" And gave him a jews-harp for Hanukkah.
A careless old cook of Salt Ash, With a second-hand car, had a crash. She ploughed through a wall, House, garden, and all, And ended up banger and mash.
An arrogant wench from Salt Lake, Liked to tease all the boys on the make. She was finally the prize Of a man twice her size, And all she remembers is the ache.
There was an old glutton named Sam, Who had a great weakness for ham. When they brought him bacon, He said, "You're mistaken, But I'll eat it all, pig that I am!"
There once was a shepherd named Sam, Who for hellfire did not give a damn. His religion was deep; He fucked pregnant sheep; And washed in the blood of the lamb.
Oh, you and me, and old Uncle Sam, We brought Democracy to Vietnam. We fucked monkeys and yaks, Little girls in black slacks, And smoked pot till we gave not a damn!
When Captain Bligh had reached Samoa We rowed . . rowed . . and rowed some more . . . For punning dismally They put Bligh back to sea Although the judge said, "That was some oar."
There was a young girl of Samoa, Who vowed she'd not fuck any more, Till a man at a dance Pulled down her pants And filled her with spermatozoa.
Links:
IndexThere was a young girl of Samoa, Who plugged up her cunt with a boa. This strange contraceptive Was very deceptive To all but the spermatozoa.
There was a young girl of Samoa, Who determined that no one should know her. One young fellow tried, But she wriggled aside, And spilled all the spermatozoa.
Samoa - see Lahore
Links:
IndexA punctilious scholar from Samothrace, When asked "Is there a hyphen in 'mammoth-race'?" Said "On questions as dicey as That, Dionysius Is the best man to ask: cables, 'Grammar, Thrace'."
At St. Andrews, a quota-based sample Of students gives confidence ample That the men are such terrors, That their probable errors Provide an improper example. While, as for the women, their modes, As judged by some strange episodes, Of avoiding repression By means of regression, Are such that their Warden explodes.
San Bruno - see Bruno
Links:
IndexThere was a young man from San Dimas, Who had such an enormous penis, All the women would cry, As they went by, Please let us share it between us.
San Domingo - see St. Domingo
Links:
IndexHis kookie French mistress, George Sand, Kept "Fingers" Chopin well in hand By suggesting to Fred: "If you knock off for bed, You can bang me instead of your grand!"
Said a cruise ship captain, Sycamore Sand, "Females at sea are putty in hand." On one cruise he found His ship ran aground. "Next time", said he, "It's love on dry ground."
An elderly trooper named Sand Had had a seduction well planned, But he still couldn't muster More luck than had Custer, For Sand, too, had had his last stand.
An astronomiss happily sang, "I've been screwed by the telescope gang, They all had a bit o' me, For I'm the epitome Of the grandly impressive Big Bang."
Said an woman from old San José, To her lover, embarrassed, "Oh say, This vagina of mine, You say is like wine. But today, I'm afraid, it's rosé.
A milliner maiden in Sankey, Said, "Let us have not hankey-pankey!" But after a while She said, with a smile, "For what you have given, I thank 'ee."
In the back street down in San Maduro A tourist from Trenton named Truro Tried to make sweet Conchita, But the chaste senorita Had her sex parts at home in the bureau.
There once was a banker of Sanquhar Alas! he developed a chancre. When told, his G.P. Cried, "Oh, dearie me! There'll be some tirrivee When the whole population of Sanquhar Learns this of their banker."
Said a Frenchman who lived at Sans Souci, "Superstition? Mon Dieu! C'est tout fou, si? Why only ce soir I buggaired un chat noir; To un homme virile, poussy is poussy."
There was an old man of Santander Who attempted to bugger a gander. But that virtious bird Plugged its ass with a turd, And refused to such low tastes to pander. There was a young man from Toulouse, Who thought he would diddle a goose. He hunted and bunted To get the thing cunted, But decided it wasn't no use.
There was an old man of Santander, Who said, "You be goose: I be gander." The shaft of his tool Was soon covered with stool - Shitty time he had trying to land her!
Murmured saty-saint George Santayana, "Freud took a long road to Nirvana, But I follow the wraith Of an animal faith To the pie in the sky of mañana."
There once was a poetess Sapphic, Who wrote about things pornographic. She would daily entwine In the old sixty-nine, And indulge in nefarious traffic.
Sapphire - see Sofia
Links:
IndexSaid an Ogre from old Saratoga, "I've tried to de-Ogre by Yoga. I've stood on my head All day in my bed, But the mirror still says I'm an Ogre."
A philosopher know for sarcasm, Took a tart to his bed for orgasm. He found to his horror, He had a limp jarrer, And denounced her as naught but phantasm.
There was an Old Person of Sark, Who made an unpleasant remark; But they said, 'Don't you see What a brute you must be!' You obnoxious Old Person of Sark.
There was an old person of Sark, Who buggered a pig in the dark. The swine, in surprise, Murmured, "God blast your eyes, Do you take me for Boulton or Park?'
There's a pretty young lady named Sark, Afraid to get laid in the dark. But she's often manhandled But the light of a candle, In the bushes of Gramercy Park.
The nipples of [young] Sarah Sarong, When excited, are twelve inches long. This embarrassed her lover, Who was pained to discover, She expected no less of his dong.
Sarum - See Salisbury
Links:
IndexThere was a young man of Saskatchewan, Whose pecker was truly gargantuan. It was good for large whores, And for small dinosaurs, And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
A friend of mine from Saskatoon Was always out looking for poon. He found some for free But she had H.I.V. So his dick shrivelled up like a prune.
The Hoover in grim silence sat, But sucking no more at the mat; Quietly it grunted As slowly it shunted, And messily disgorged the cat.
His poem he published on Sat., The 2nd of May. Despite that It appeared on the 1st, A feat that I thirst To perform. Time reversed! Crazy cat!
Wanting children, a couple once sat For a course on how to begat. When the doctor expounded, They stood up dumbfounded, And said they could never do that.
There once was a golfer named Satch, Whose tee-shot went wide in a match. It bounced in the crowd, And a girl screamed aloud, "That damn thing went right up my snatch!"
Said Babbage, "With music I'm sated, Since fiddlers and harpists invaded. As for raucous horn tooters, They crash my computers. It's time they were all regulated!"
There once was a jolly young satyr Who when seeing a lass, would then mate her. But when one grew with child, His ardor grew mild, And the next one he saw, well, he ate her.
There is something about satyriasis, That arouses psychiatrists' biasis, But we're both very pleased, We're in this way diseased, As the damsel who's waiting to try us is.
One night when milk froze in the saucer, By hunger disposed to be crosser, Foss curled up in bed And dreamed that Lear read The Fryer's Tail, chosen from Chaucer.
Links:
IndexSaul - see Schwartz
Links:
IndexI met a girl once in Savannah, Who slipped on a peel of banana. The words she let pass As she fell on her ass, Would not please her poppa or mamma.
There was a young man of Savannah, Met his end in a curious manner. He diddled a hole In a telegraph pole, And electrified his banana.
'Dear Albert, of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, We desire to receive our due quota Of amorous sport, And not be kept short By one tittle, or jot, or iota.'
Here's to Patriots - Bang drums, blow saxes! Toot flutes, send out E-Mail and Faxes! We don't have any clout, But they'd perish without We suckers who pay all the taxes!
A young bride was once heard to say, "Oh dear, I am wearing away! The inside of my thighs Look just like mince pies, For my husband won't shave every day."
Throughout the whole world, experts say That it's Geography Rules! O.K.? Though it's not the location But the mere appelation That's important down Limerick way.
The genetic scientists now say Arahs and Jews match DNA. Both are burning up the wire To see if they can hire The lawyers defending OJ. Jews and Arabs, genetic lore, DNA tests matching once more Brother to brother Same as each other, Now they can fight a civil war. Yasir Arafat said with a scowl Something's wrong, I'm calling a foul. I'm telling you, It can't be true, If it is I'll throw in my towel. Yitzhak Rabin responded with glee, "Blood tests prove Arabs the same as me. The consequence Is all are mensch, The whole world is Jewish, don't you see!"
The Million Man March, so they say, Was a winner in [every | quite a big] way. Over 900 thou. assembled somehow. Just13 missed work on that day.
Fierce looking King Kong, people say, Was really quite gent[i]le at play, But he met his sad fate High atop Empire State Because he played too rough with Fay Wray.
Young Raymond was careless, they say, In planning his rolls in the hay; For his last bedded doll Was a Mob capo's moll - The result was...some holes in the Ray!
Young Mozart was once heard to say, "I sit at the keyboard all day. My works, piece by piece, Show a steady increase, And yet I do nothing but play."
Said the Duchess of Windsor, "I say, Our new cook is a really good lay. He's the best that I've had." Said the Duke, "But Egad! Can the man make a decent soufflée;?"
If you join the navy, I must say You'll enjoy it in every way. You'll be part of the fleet, You'll breathe air so sweet And you'll feel a new man every day.
A girl to the druggist did say, "I am bothered by bugs in my hay." "I see what you mean, You need Paris green, To be rid of the things right away." The results of this piece of mischance, Were disastrous, you'll see at a glance. First died bugs, then went trees, Then her pet Pekinese, And two gentlemen just in from France.
In life Isaac often would say,
In life Isaac often would say, That fine limericks are ribald and gay. So when chasing ETs, At least pause, please, and tease Sexy aliens who happen your way.
Daily Ditty 46, Saturday, 2 August 1997
"Do unto others," they say, "As you'd have them treat you, that's the way." (But kindly feel free To omit this with me If you're masochist, crazy, or gay.)
Links:
IndexA whale is a mammal, you say, And a dolphin who swims in the bay, But did you consider The two may be bitter, They're related to us in this way.
say - see dear
Links:
say - see sex
Links:
Indexsay - see shame
Links:
Indexsay - see snood
Links:
Indexsay - see Uganda
Links:
Indexsay - see wide
Links:
IndexAn old miser was once heard to say, After roll Number One in the hay: "This is nowhere as cheap As my usual sheep, Yet I think sex may be here to stay."
Rhoda's Party
Three cheers for you, Rhoda, we say. You've made it to sixty today. You've still got nice hair, And your teeth are all there; That alone rates a great big Hooray! For your multiple talents we clap. Ypu've got feathers to stick in your cap: As an actress, you're fine, As a singer, divine... And your Artwork would sell in a snap. So let's have a wonderful time, As we toast and praise Rhoda in rhyme>>> And here's something nifty; (We know that you're thrifty) This party won't cost you a dime!
A marvelous thing is a scab; The body's one means of rehab. But not for the diseased, They'll soon be deceased, And buried down under a slab.
All Hallow's Eve is so scary, So small boys and girls, please be wary Of corpses all bloody, And mummies all muddy, And werewolves with paws big and hairy.
A lady removing her scanties Heard them crackle electrical chanties; Said her husband, 'My dear, I very much fear You suffer from amps in your panties.'
Of math tests I've always been scared Most answers I guessed if I dared I really did fine Right up to the time They told me that pie are squared?
Links:
IndexA northerner, ragged and scarred, Displayed to a wandering bard, A shield for his back, All battered and black, And remarked it was called his Asgard.
Let's enter the literary scene, The whole world of [what] might-have-been, But it's best to recall, Before having a ball, What's Literature can't be obscene.
As you surf through the Internet scene And find many poems obscene, The best limericks are naughty, So don't be too haughty. 'Tis not a great limerick when clean! If you think that this makes me quite crass, Then most of these lines do bypass. But for the rest of the lot, The perverse is what's sought. So I welcome you, laddie or lass!
At our last dance a young man named Schacht, Was admired by the girls for his tact. When he wanted a lay, He would bow low and say, "May I have your next sexual act?"
There was an old hag from [Schalot | Shalot]
Who lived on [frog | pig] shit and snot.
When she [grew tired of | couldn't get] these,
She'd [eat the green | live off the] cheese
[That grew on the insides |
Which she scraped from the walls] of her twat.
On Easter, 1916 by W.B. Yeats
There was a collection of schemers, Who swore they were going to redeem us. I said 'No, you're not' But now they've been shot. The heroes! The darlings! The dreamers!
Said a cool little miss from Schenectady, "A murrein on words like synechdoche. Let some master of arts Play with wholes and with parts, As for me, I prefer hysterectomy."
Said and angry old man of Schenectady, "By God, ma'am, I'll fracture your neck today!" Then he ended the life Of his long-faithful wife. So he finally did it, by heck, did he?
There was a young man in Schenectady, And he found it quite hard to erect, said he, Till he took an injection, For deficient erection, Which in just the desired way, effected he!
An arrogant Nazi named Schiff, Broke up with his wife in a tiff. Though he did not lack charm, She complained that his arm, Was the only thing he could keep stiff.
Said Chloe, affecting a schism, "I'm seeing as though through a prism. Those groans that I heard As the world became blurred, Imply that my head's drenched with jism."
A German explorer named Schlichter Had a yen for a boa constrictor; When he lifted the tail, Achtung! 'Twas a male. The constrictor, not Schlichter, was victor.
A seismology coed named Schlichter Had a boy friend named Victor, who licked her With an ardor unslaked Till with ardor she quaked On a scale that surpassed that of Richter.
To a lady whose tee-shirt said "Schlitz," He said, "I admire how it fits." But he was a gent - The guy really meant: "Now, that is a great pair of tits!"
A nostalgic stormtrooper named Schmidt, Used a "Nazi Sex Practices" kit, Which had boots and a whip, With a nice metal tip, But his bride didn't like it one bit.
HEINRICH SCHITZ
A Moravian elder, Hans Schmidt Played the krummhorn while taking a shit. The year plumbing came in, Schmidt took up violin. "More refined," he opined. Then he'd spit.SECUNDA PARS
Yet another Moravian named Finck Eased his bladder while playing the zinck. When Hans Schmidt made a do Fidd'ling scales in the loo Brother Finck had to pinck in the sink.
There once was a bridegroom named Schmidt, Could never divine his wife's clit. She complained all disgruntled: "I love to be frontalled - Cunningiling-is my favorite bit!"
Daily Ditty 62 Monday, 18 August 1997
Last night I was guest at the Schmidts. I left there scared out of my wits. There were hideous shrieks, Framed pictures of freaks, And bathtowels marked "His," "Hers," and "ITS!"
Links:
IndexThere was an old soldier named Schmitt, Took a trip to the can for to shit. To his epic despair No paper was there, So he simply continued to sit.
There once was a sergeant named Schmitt Who wanted a crime to commit. He thought raping women [Was] a little too common, So he buggered an aged tomtit.
A vengeful technician named Schmitz Caused a disk drive to go [on the fritz. | into fits.] He covered the platter With bats' fecal matter. Now it's seek time is really the pits.
Cried her partner, 'My dear Lady Schmoosing, While I'll own that stinkfinger's amusing, Still, this constant delay Tends to hold up the play, And the goom on the deck's most confusing.'
There was a young fellow named Schmutz Who was able to rotate his putz, An aptitude queer Which made him the dear Of the girls, and the death of his nuts.
There was a young lady named Schneider, Who often kept trysts with a spider. She found a strange bliss In the hiss of her piss, As it strained through the cobwebs inside her
Schnossel - see Throstle
Links:
IndexAn impetuous duellist named Schocked Wouldn't stand for his skill being mocked. When taunted one day, He entered the fray, And regretfully went off half-cocked.
There once was a high school scholar, Whose brain grew smaller and smaller. It grew so small, in fact, It was hardly intact, So he sold it to science for a dollar.
There was a young lady named Schneider, Who often kept trysts with a spider. She found a strange bliss In the hiss of her piss, As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
Dick and Jane one day came home from school And declared they had learned a new rule; That, a hammer needs nails, And a sailboat needs sails, And a screw always needs a good tool.
I was never thought clever at school, And by some was considered a fool. But of all Cupid's stunts, Where they prove stupid cunts, Its the duds like me, last out the spool.
There are a few girls in school Who would boff any old fool, But those with the A's Know who plays, And boff Professor O'Doul.
There was a young lady in school, Who did cross-stitch, embroidery, and crewel. Knit and crochet Could fill up a day, But none will be finished by Yule.
A well-equipped fellow at school Has the whole class admiring his tool. This magnificent dong Is just twelve inces long, But he don't use it much - as a rule.
What! Sex education in schools! And tell kids the risks and the rules? Who will want, without doubt, Themselves to find out What makes of their elders such fools.
Sex education in schools Occasions occasional drools That start at the mouth Then peter down south Emerging in up-coming tools.
A waitress on day-shift at Schraffts, Has a couple of interesting crafts. She's exceedingly able At upsetting the table, And screwing in dumb-waiter shafts.
"Ach du lieber," roared Dr. von Schtoopen, "Small vunder der schpirits iss droopen. You haff constipation, A common stagnation, [That | Vich], in Cherman, ve call farfrumpoopen!''
To the penis of feeble old Schuster Was attached an electrical booster. In a screw with Miss Drew, His main rheostat blew, And she felt like a snowplow had goosed 'er.
schvanze - see hicks
Links:
Indexschwa - see missed
Links:
IndexThere was a young harlot named Schwartz Whose cock-pit was studded with warts. And they tickled so nice She drew a high price From the studs at the summer resorts. Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, Was seldom hard up for a diddle. For according to rumor, His tool had a tumor, And a fine row of warts down the middle. Her brother, a bastard named Ben, Could rotate his pecker, and then He would shoot through his rear, Which made him the dear Of the girls, and the envy of men. Her other young brother, named Saul, Was able to bounce either ball. He could stretch them and snap them, And juggle and clap them, Which earned him the plaudits of all.
A lewd polo player named Schwartz Spied a blonde wearing flesh-colored shorts. He skipped the next chukker Expressly to fuck 'er - That's what's nice about out-of-door sports!
There was a young fellow named Schwartz Who was hounded by girls of all sorts. He tickled them good (Like no other brand could) For his penis was studded with warts.
A lethargic young track star named Schwartz, Ran a three-minute mile, say reports. This remarkable gait, Which caused year-long debate, Was the work of a wasp in his shorts.
Pippen and Jordan are schweet With Rodman, who's tattooed his meat. Air's waggin' some tongue - The Hornets got stung. Rice, Mason, and Curry looked beat.
There were two young girls in the Scillies Who cut up The Times for their frillies. To have used The Express Would show poor sense of dress. Tempora mutantur nos et mutamur in illis. There were two young girls in the Scillies Who cut up The Times for their frillies. Which prompted the banter Tempora mutantur Nos et mutamur in illis.
John Bobbitt's detractors will scoff, For it seems the judgments's been soft. He's been retrofitted And now he's acquitted. That's the last time he ever gets off.
Links:
IndexSaid a wife to her husband near Scole, Who'd forgotten to order the coal: 'I knew you'd forget. You've a head like a net; Where there isn't a knot there's a hole.'
Scone - see Sloan
Links:
IndexA virile young villain of Scone Had a pecker as hard as a stone. This made things quite nice; He could thrust it in twice And still there'd be starch in his bone.
There once was a swinger named Scoop, Who liked to have sex in a group. One night there were six; Two cunts and four dicks, So someone was packing his poop.
The king gave the press a hot scoop, Advocating a birth control group, "My kingdom to these, If they use I.U.D.s. Which you might say is throne for a loop."
There's a coughmixture scopolamine And its equal has never been seen 'Twould make staid Tutankamen Laugh and leap like a salmon And his mummy hop Scotch on the green.
A dozen, a gross and a score, Plus three times the squareroot of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, is nine square plus zero, no more.
Her ex asked her new love with scorn If used merchandise made him forlorn. "Not at all," he replied, "She's just like a new bride, Once I get past the part that is worn."
You can't blame me, dear husband, for scorning A cock that just shrinks without warning. If you had a tiddly As game as my widdly, I'd keep you plugged in until morning.
Juanita, the subject of scandals, Used to make use of unscented candles, But now thinks it is nice To use a device With batteries, buzzers, and handles.
Once a grasshopper (food being scant) Begged an ant some assistance to grant. But the ant shook his head, "I can't help you," he said, "It's an uncle you need, not an ant."
Wee Jamie, a canny young Scot, Observed, when the kettle was hot, That the steam raised the lid, And it's thanks to this kid That you and I know Watt's watt.
Scot - see Scott
Links:
IndexThere once was a old man, a Scot, Too onery to piss in a pot. So late every night, When his bladder got tight, He filled up his old lady's twat.
We claim to be pureblood Scot. On our tree, nary a blot. But we don't know 'Cause it doesn't show Whether a bull jumped the fence or not.
Links:
IndexWhile loaded from drinking some scotch, She shaved all the hair from her crotch. She now goes to work in A henna-hued merkin That matches the face of her swatch.
Limericks about Scots and Scotland
Links:
There was a young fellow named Scott Who took a girl out on his yacht - But too lazy to rape her He made darts of brown paper, Which he languidly tossed at her twat.
When purchasing cheese, Mr.Scott Would examine with care the whole lot. He would make a selection When he got an erection From the cheese that smelled like a twat.
An eccentric young fellow named Scott, His intelligence wasn't too hot. So small was his wit, That he started to shit With his trousers draped into the pot.
The old engineer named Scott, Had his prick fall off from the rot. So he went to the basement, To make a replacement From tungsten, plastic, and snot.
There once was a painter named Scott, Who seemed to have hair but had not. He seemed to have sense, 'Twas an equal pretence On the part of the painter named Scott
The skater, Barbara Ann Scott Is so fuckingly 'winsome' a snot, That when posed on her toes She elaborately shows Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
A certain young fellow named Scott, Once jumped his young bride on their cot. He intended no shirking, But from sheer overworking, A dry run was all that she got.
There was a young student of Scottomy, Who said, "What have these wenches got o' me? I have lost father's knees, Likewise my pancreas, And I fear I shall die of phlebotomy."
A bricklayer, his jowl in a scowl, Wore as work clothes a towel with a cowl. Fellow workers he miffed Even on the first shift When he'd howl, "This is my night to trowel!"
scowl - see say
Links:
IndexThe partitioning of Vladimir Scowles Was sickening: they came on his bowels In a firkin; his brain Was found clogging a drain, And his toes were inside of some towels.
When Shakespeare awakes with a scream His member a-dripping with cream, 'Tis just the commission Of nocturnal emission, Which he dubs, "A Mid-Slumber's Night-Stream."
A stitcher was once heard to scream, "I'll never buy more udder cream." "Put it on udder and teat," Hubby said, "This is neat!" As he chased, in his eye was a gleam!
Daily Ditty 162 Thursday, 27 November 1997
There's a vulture that sits on my screen And smirks at that evil machine While that buzzard was lurking The hard drive quit working And I've commented loud and obscene
Links:
IndexHe was known as a wonderful screw, With his dink in the pink all day through. But the fine days of plenty, Were done after twenty, When the red in his balls turned to blue.
Links:
IndexThe right to decide when to screw, Is one that the femmes now pursue. If the girls get the voice, In making that choice, It won't be how much, but with who.
When [Brother | Father] John wanted a screw, He'd stuff a fat cat in a shoe, Pull up his cassock, And kneel on a hassock, While doing his damnedest to mew.
screw - see Benares
Links:
Indexscrew - see Chaldees
Links:
Indexscrew - see stone
Links:
Indexscrew - see chagrin
Links:
IndexA young do-it-your-selfer, once screwed Two pieces together. If you'd Like to know what he made, You must ask Adelaide, And her little kid sister, Gertrude.
screwin' - see rump
Links:
IndexAn Arapaho given to screwing Laid a lush tourist dolly from Ewing. As he slowly withdrew, He said, "Heap good cunt, you. Now douche yourself, babe and quit stewing."
scrip - see Ryde
Links:
IndexA vainglorious diver in his scuba Tried to rape a small whale south of Cuba. But she-whales are grim, And what she did to him Would make a Dead March on the tuba.
There was a young lady at sea Who complained that it hurt her to pee. [Said the brawny old | I see said the] mate: "That accounts for the fate [state] Of the [cook and the captain | captain, the purser] and me."
Links:
IndexSee also Dundee
Links:
IndexA tse-tse fly, wholly at sea, Unsure whom to bite, you or me, At last settled on you Who then whacked him in two, And the tse-tse fly now is a tse.
Daily Ditty 68 Sunday, 24 August 1997
A sailor who sailed on the sea Was clever as clever could be. He would tell every girl, "There is only one pearl!" And every girl thought it was she!
Links:
IndexDaily Ditty 75 Sunday, 31 August 1997
One day as I fished on the sea A mermaid came visiting me Though just right on top T'other end was a flop With no parts to show she was a she "We lay eggs," she informed me with glee, "Which are fertilized as they float free." Mermen are excused If they're less than enthused And merchildren rare in the sea.
Links:
IndexThere was a strange poet named Sean, Who cared not who he laid [upon | upean]. But she gnashed a tooth loose When he called her abstruse: A gal so far out, she was [gone | gean].
There once was a villain named Seagress, Who tried changing his luck with a negress. But her cunt was as loose As the balls on a moose, So he ended up in her rear egress.
There once was a handsome young seaman Who with ladies was really a demon. In peace or in war, At sea or on shore, He could certainly dish out the semen.
"The PBS people are searching for money that's out there lurking. Could Trobador's rhymes, Short, sweet and sublime, be the answer toward which they are lurching?
In the catalogue published by Sears, A layout by Dali appears. It depicts a June bride, With three breasts on each side, Caressing a penis with ears.
Said an unhappy female named Sears: "The world is just full of those queers! Every party I go to There's no one to say no to; The men swish about waggling their rears."
A naive young fellow named Sears Oncw spend the week-end with two queers. Although we've inquired, He won't say what transpired, But he hasn't sat down for two years!
There was a young man from Seattle, Whose testicles tended to rattle. He said as he fuckèd Some stones in a bucket, "If Stravinsky won't deafen you, that'll."
There was a young man of Seattle Who bested a bull in a battle. With fire and [with] gumption He assumed the bull's function, And [deflowered | serviced] a whole herd of cattle.
There was a young girl from Seattle Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. But a bull from the South Left a wad in her mouth That made both her ovaries rattle.
Seattle - see Cobain
Links:
IndexThere was a young man from Seattle, Whose balls were so small they would rattle. He tried 'em on chickens, Got good as the dickens, And now he can satisfy cattle.
There once was a man from Seattle Who had screwed a lot of cattle. His balls hung so low He tied both in a bow, And swung them over his saddle.
A cowhand way out in Seattle, Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. He said, "No, I can't fuck A lamb or a duck, But golly! It just fits the cattle.
seduced - see surgeon
Links:
IndexIsaac the famous seducer Will meet a young lass and conduce her To let him get fresh With her quivering flesh, But if there [isn't | ain't] time he'll just goose her.
A woman [who] just wanted to see, If she stood up, how far she could pee. She'd a pardon to beg, When it ran down her leg, And formed icicles off her left knee.
A Greek shopper happened to see, A book with the title of 'Z'. "These equations", he said, "Are over my head. The movie seemed clearer to me!"
Links:
IndexWhen reading these limericks, you'll see, I've written [them] with great liberty. They're all about sex In a literal context, And unintended for mixed company. Each limerick presents mental pictures In all of the verses and scriptures. In many you'll find A lascivious mind Extolling our sexual fixtures.
My computer thinks I cannot see, That he thinks he is smarter than me. If I trip on a rug, It might pull out the plug, And accidents happen to me.
Vampires are immortal you see, And just between you and me, They might exist, But only in mist, So you're safe if you climb up a tree.
see - see chagrin
Links:
Indexsee - see disappointed
Links:
Indexsee - see NG
Links:
IndexPolonius was wise, as you'll see, When from Denmark his son wished to flee. His advice was quite clever, As he said one should never A lender or borrower be. Poor Ophelia went out of her mind; For her father she woefully pined; When Prince Hamlet's sword Pierced that once noble Lord Through the drapes he was hiding behind.
Links:
IndexIf your body has just gone to seed From a life of bad habits and greed, Don't despair, join a gym. Eat good food. Learn to swim. Very soon you'll be fitter indeed!
FRIEDRICH NIETZCHERICKS II:
But while power's what all our drives seek, Many are and remain always weak. These have no respect due - Quite unlike select few, For whom power exceeds normal peak. Yet others (And all their deeds show it!) Have great strength in a form that's inchoate. Al their acts, "good" or "evil," Involve such upheaval, They're less apt to succeed than to blow it. Still it's only by means of such passion That we're freed from antique fad or fashion. Now that God is defunct, God-made "man" should be junked. And that's dangerous work: Adam smashin'! From our cradles, still whining and puling, We're subjected to outmoded schooling. After heaven's demise, Here on earth let's get wise: Good and Evil's no privileged ruling. But destruction's not all that we need When we're trying to shape a new breed: Apostate, Apostle: One set free, one a fossil - Either way, live your life by some creed! We'll see Superman given a boost When our powers are finally loosed. But unless these get aimed Via values we've framed, It's still mass-Man that's ruling the roost. While the fictional hero's escapist, No one knows, yet, what Superman's shape is. But though Power's his "thing," Don't infer, if he's king, That he'll just be a killer or rapist.
Links:
IndexIt is useless for people to seek A pisser like Dribblepuss Beek: He'll sit for a year, Drinking oceans of beer, Then knock off and piss for a week.
A wedding story
Said the Dad, to a suitor who seeked to marry his daughter that week: "My girl's flaw ain't minor; It's Acute Angina." "I know," said the suitor, "I've peeked!"
seeker - see truth-seeker
Links:
IndexOh, Shakespeare's love life, 'twould seem, Was something not quite on the beam. Too lazy to fuck, Not wanting to suck, He preferred A Midsummer Night's Dream.
seem - see shed
Links:
IndexWhen Cupid loved Psyche, it seems, Their sex life was one of extremes. Their performance in bed Exceeded, it's said, The wildest sex orgies of dreams.
Never before have I seen A lady whose teeth do so gleam. You can turn out the light, And close her mouth tight, But boy, do those teeth still beam!
On one point, an agreement was seen: Both allowed that the barf was obscene. But détente was soon dead When the IRA said, "We can't censure the wearing o'green!"
Links:
Indexseen - see nation
Links:
IndexThe Limerick's the best poem I've seen If you've read them you know what I mean. You can read pages and pages They appeal to all ages - Yet none of the good ones are clean. Bravo! I say to your post. Your limerick's funnier than most. It truly was hearty, could be read at a party, With you, John, acting as host.
My personal health plan selects A charm that protects against hex, An apple a day (Keeps the doctor away), And plenty of good holesome sex.
Seles - see chums
Links:
Index'I'm glad pigs can't fly', said young Sellers (He's one of those worrying fellers). 'For if they could fly, They'd shit in the sky, And we'd all have to carry umbrellas.'
There was a young stripling from Selma, Who sucked off his mother, named Thelma. "I never did dream A cunt held so much cream, But God! what a terrible smell, ma!
A potulent Preacher at Selwyn Said, "Don't let the forces of hell win; If communion wine With whisky combine, Men's love for pure spirit might well win."
A thesis on matters semantic, Drove a whole lot of programmers frantic. Understanding Z(ed), A misnomer, 'tis said, Reviled on both sides of the Atlantic.
Links:
IndexHow varied the family Sen! For instance, Sun Yat, Ib and Jen. Sun Yat changed Cathay, Ib wrote play after play, And Jen played and changed the Top Ten.
Links:
Index"In Boston," said Jane, "it makes sense To go for the specialty; hence I've come to get scrod." And her friend said, "That's odd, You've used the past pluperfect tense."
Steve is a guy with no sense. His odious post makes offense. His spelling is hell. His rhyming doth smell. The stench of his verse makes me tense. So, Steve, get yourself in high gear, And leave us a limerick here. Or if you've no skill, Just wank yourself ill. I hope this is perfectly clear.
Said Miguel to the gringo, "Señor, Eef I open thees here closet door, An' dee lady eenside, Ees my leetle lost bride, Then I theenk I mus' shoot you some more."
There once was a gay senorita Who pleasure was munching a peter. She said, "It's much neater, And certainly sweeter, And aesthetically, somehow, completer!"
sensation - see Venus
Links:
IndexThat bottle of perfume that Willie sent Was highly displeasing to Millicent; Her thanks were so cold, That they quarreled, I'm told, Over that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.
To a newsgroup a message was sent From a man on the west side of Kent It didn't appear For over a year And he never found out where it went.
There was a young lady named Sentry Who claimed to be raped by some gentry. But the judge said, "Dismissed!" When he looked where she pissed, And saw no signs of forcible entry.
There once was a braw Scottish sentry, Who was standing his post by the entry. When the Queen saw his stature, And yielding to nature, She soon made him one of the gentry.
Hermaphrodites cause a sensation By their odd, two-in-one combination. Concave or convex They are partly each sex, And a dilly at self-fornication.
A southern belle known for wry sentences, Whose humor was darker that Clinton's is, Was heard to exclaim When the Orkin man came, "Does anyone know wheah the kitten is?"
A Korean whose home was in Seoul Had notions uncommonly droll; He'd get himself stewed And pose in the nude On top of a [telegraph | telephone] pole.
Daily Ditty 105 Tuesday, 30 September 1997
I should sing you a song of September And of life dying down to an ember I should reminisce About that and of this But it's all too damn hard to remember ...
Links:
IndexThere once was a maiden seraphic Who doted on attitudes Sapphic. She annointed her cunny With essence of honey - There's nothing like gumming up traffic.
Links:
IndexSaid Napoleon, emperor serene, While scouting around for a queen, "I'd much rather squeeze a Maria Louisa, Than sleep with that bitch, Josephine."
A financial advisor in serge Met a woman and had a great urge. When he made his advance You could tell by his pants He would ask her if she'd like to merge.
A bard once in lakelapped Sermione Lived in peace, eating locusts and honey, Till a son of a bitch Left him high on the beach Without clothes, boots, time, quiet or money.
Links:
IndexIf n in a Taylor series goes 2 to 11 by threes for x = 1 convergence is done 'twixt zero and two, I believe.
There was an old man of Seringapatam, Besmeared his wife's anus with raspberry jam, Then licked off the sweet, And pronounced it a treat, And for public opinion, he cared not a damn.
Links:
IndexThere was an old lez of Seringapatam, Who always wore pants and did not give a damn. No bra cramped her titty, Her ass was all shitty, And whenever she piddled, she strode like a man.
The Japanese student was serious. He said: 'I am studying Derius. My interests are various Incruding Siberius Ruosrawski and Rassus and Berrioz.
servants - see monsters
Links:
IndexAs the natives got ready to serve A midget explorer named Merve; 'This meal will be brief,' Said the cannibal chief, 'For this is at best an hors d'oeuvre.'
The Bard of the North, Robert Service, Was poking a lady named Jervis She murmured, "Oh, Bob, You do such a nice job But those snow shoes you wear make me nervous."
The life of a clerk of the session Was strangled in psychic repression, But his maladies ceased, When his penis increased, In straight geometric progression.
Daily Ditty 193 Saturday, 27 December 1997
Jan's appendix came out in a session That left a real lasting impression. Now she tells us with pride She makes more on the side Than her regular day-time profession.
Links:
IndexThere was an Old Person of Sestri, Who sate himself down in the vestry; When they said, 'You are wrong!' He merely said, 'Bong!' That repulsive Old Person of Sestri.
A giddy young lass of Sesuit Fell in love with a lad from Cotuit. Said the preacher from Wareham Who proceeded to pair 'em, "Sesuit, Cotuit, go to it!"
There once was a priestess of Set Whom a shaman pursued on a bet. Though she turned into a snake, He won the stake, But it's something he'd rather forget.
There once was a man named Seth. Was asked why he was so short of breath "It's my wife's huge boobs! They're like inner tubes! And keep me half smothered to death!
Nan, Saw, and Paw, of Setucket, Between them had only one bucket. Nan took it and ran And the trouble began; Sawtucket, Pawtucket, Nantucket.
Links:
IndexA poet, whose pen-name was Seuss, Was arrested for verse too abstruse. To lead him to jail, They followed the trail Of a South-going, web-footed floose.
When Jenny was but age seven, Her thighs were a source of pure Heaven. She's still learning yet And it's my bet she'll get Even better by the time she's eleven!
There was an old couple of Seville Whose habits were all [quite] medieval. They would strip to the skin, Then each take a pin And pick lint from the other one's navel.
There was a young lady naed Seward Who claimed she had never been skewered, Till the time she was trapped in The hold by the captain, And was fucked by the purser and steward.
Ken Starr: Pro and Con
PRO
There's no glory in cleaning the sewer. That's a fact that has never been truer. But if no one will do it, Then all must wade through it, As clean spots get fewer and fewer.CON
He's really quite proud of himself, A smutty, self-satisfied elf; A scum sucking drone Who's sure he, alone, Known what's best for the nation itself. As for filth, he's a dogged acquirer; And of privacy, he's no admirer. He's ready to pounce; And pleased to announce: He's been hired by the National Enquirer!
The thoughts of a rabbit on sex Are seldom, if ever, complex; For a rabbit in need Is a rabbit indeed, And does just what a person expects.
If Gracie Allen were the last of her sex, And I were the last of mine, I'd ease my tool By fucking a mule Or maybe a porcupine.
There was a young poet whose sex Was aroused by aesthetic effects; Marvell's The Garden Gave him a hard-on And he came during Oedipus Rex.
This girl who masturbated for sex, Was becoming one nervous wreck. She became such a glutton Rubbing on her clit-button, Soon ceased to play with a full-deck!
Sigmund Freud's discussion of sex Centers much around Oedipus Rex: A stupid young sucker Who turned motherfucker, And placed quite a hex upon sex.
Daily Ditty 107 Thursday, 2 October 1997
"I've endured twenty years of bad sex," Said the wife, "And it really does vex." Laughed the husband, "Well I Am unwilling to try Upgrading your beaus to MY specs!" "Upgrading specs?!! You're so smart! Some wisdom I'd like to impart. I'm Venus, you're Mars. It's ordained by the stars. Your love is all science- no art!" This really is a load of old crap "I'm Venus, You're Mars" What a Sap! When it comes to the crunch We all like to munch On the bits that wobble and flap. Oh dear! Do you see what I mean? Our disparate tastes can be seen. You're munching and crunching; I like elegant lunching With men who are far less obscene. You see, men who do lunch with you Might seem proper and good in your view But these ones called new man Just have a far better plan To trick you and get a quick screw. Thanks for the warning! I'm in your debt! This New Man's an infant with no etiquette. He plays tricks to entrap, goes home, bumps some rap; Bet he's not even potty trained yet! What, my "love is all science- no art?" Here's my manual on ways of the heart ... I'll bet if I look I can find in this book A section that covers that part. Dear John, it is true what you say. You'll find that and more. Don't delay. Land sake's alive! Let's do page five, Gently! The damn book's in the way! Page six covers "book in the way," But I have gone without in my day: I've misplaced my glasses While processing lasses And had to proceed my own way But I must say it's come out all right Though the job took me half of the night I passed peer review And learned something new: One can cope if you don't get up-tight. Poor Martin, he never will learn. His approach will make ladies yearn For a touch that's velvet. His charge with a helmet Insures that he'll soon crash and burn. Now Martin, be slow take your time. Bring flowers, recite a love rhyme. It's well worth the wait, You won't get the gate. Your reward will sure be sublime. Flowers? Oh..I'm really not sure You think it's a good enough lure? The girls that I know Are the kind that will go With me with my mind like a sewer. Stop with the throwing of stones. Enough of the moanings and groans. The girls we all know Will take ANY beau If he's got all the right pheromones.
Links:
IndexThe difference between the two sexes Is the same in both China and Texas, Korea, Valbonne, Cairo, Crete, and Athlone, For the same genitalia connexas.
A medical student called Seymour Wanted no-one to think him a dreamer. His wine he would mull In a dissected skull, And he scrambled his eggs with a femur.
"As the curtains get shabbier and shabbier, His Lordship gets crabbier and crabbier. I must really admit I'm the reason for it, For my figure gets flabbier and flabbier!"
Tim said to his wife, up in Shafter, "Seems to me there's a man in the rafter." She smirked, and then said, "Come, get into bed. I'm saving that fellow for after."
Shah - see Czechs
Links:
IndexOn Tennyson's Lady of Shalott
There once was a lass of Shalott, Who was put in a bit of a spot; For girls to make passes At guys glimpsed in glasses Apparently isn't so hot.
The chief charm of a whore in Shalott Was the absence of hair on her twat. She kept it smooth looking Not by shaving or plucking, But by all [of] the Fucking she got.
Said the gay Chatelaine of Shalott, "I wish I had teeth in my twat. For just think", said she, How nice it would be, To keep all the pricks that I got.
Daily Ditty 93 Thursday, 18 September 1997
The project's behind, what a shame! (You know who the bosses will blame) Deadline must be met, We're overworked, yet Our salaries stay just the same. The time we have spent, they will say, Has enriched our sad lives in some way. Don't we learn as we work? (If we don't go beserk) Still I'd rather they "enrich" my pay!
Links:
IndexThere was an old man of Shamokin, Fucked his wife with his wooden leg, oaken. So quick did he stick her, Pretending to prick her, That he soon had her cunt all a-smokin'.
A lonely surveyor named Shand Gave in to a native's demand: She was eager to screw.... It was then that Shand knew He'd at last got the lay of the land!
A soldier on guard at Camp Shanks, Walked his post by the old water tanks. As he walked on the grass, He trod hard on an ass, And heard a young lass murmur, "Thanks."
There was a young girl of Shanghai Who was so exceedingly shy, That undressing at night, She turned off the light For fear of the All-Seeing Eye.
Remember the night in Shanghai, When we put down two gallons of rye, And all eight of the ladies, At Singapore Sadie's? How the days of our youth hurry by!
Said a girl being had in a shanty, 'My dear, you have got it in slanty.' He replied, 'I can use Any angle I choose. I ride as I please - I'm Duranty!'
There once was a man named Shaq, For b-ball he had quite a knack. He was really tall, And could palm the ball, And is young and gifted and black.
Her husband's a pimp, and will share (For a lucrative fee) the quite rare Connubial privilege Of licking the dribblage, That oozes from 'round her cunt hair.
Links:
IndexThere's a certain young woman named Sharon, Who's decided to marry a baron. At age eighty-four He can do it no more. But he's rich, so she isn't despairin'.
A lady on climbing Mount Shasta Complained as the mountain grew vaster, That it wasn't the climb [Nor] the dirt and the grime, But the ice on her ass that harassed her.
Daily Ditty 38 Friday, 25 July 1997
I took Sally out back of the shed "I have something to show you," I said She said, "Ugh! What a sight! I know looking's not right, I've a place we can hide it instead."
Links:
IndexDaily Ditty 39 Saturday, 26 July 1997
Said my Sally, out back of the shed, "That's all of THIS, Johnny boy, 'till we're wed 'Cause what we just did Could result in a kid, And besides, I'd prefer it in bed." Things can always get worse than they seem; I'm inventing a limerick machine! And when I am done Where today I wrote one - Tomorrow, one hundred fifteen!
Links:
IndexWhen a man queried saleslady Shedd As to whether a fully made bed Had springs that were quiet, She answered, "Just try it!" As she pulled down the blankets and spread.
A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, Had achieved some renown For her tone going down - There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
Cried a great English writer, "Oh, Shaw! My testes are small as the Dickens." Said his surgeon, "Great Scott! Here's a fine pair-o'-Keats'; I'll transplant them and make your Balsworthy."
The first of 4 limericks celebrating the 90th birthday of G.B.S.
That smasher of shams, Bernard Shaw, Points out to the Sophists the flaw In each flattering unction, And, lacking compunction, Makes hay of the drowning man's straw.
Links:
IndexFourth of 4 limericks to commemorate Shaw's 90th birthday.
All his life, Mr George Bernard Shaw Has enjoyed catching fools on the raw; At ninety we find There's no change of mind, Or decay in the set of his jaw.
Links:
IndexA Gypsy boy stealing some shawls Was kicked by a cop in Sioux Falls. This action was rash And produced a loud crash, For most Gypsies have crystal balls.
Third of 4 limericks to commemorate Shaw's 90th birthday.
O sage of the stage, Shaw of Shaws! As your victims we venture applause. Too ascetic for Paris, Not to mention Frank Harris, Your Webb-footed genius awes.
Links:
IndexThe transplant most wanted by SHE - A penis placed vaginally. No more need for men. But one problem then - With which of them then will she pee?
Daily Ditty 91 Tuesday, 16 September 1997
"Of course I won't charge you," said she, "I do it for love, not for fee. (But you haven't a chance To get into my pants If your will's not made over to me.)"
Links:
IndexTwo monkeys, a he and a she, Were naughty as naughty could be. A twelve-year-old kid Watched to see what they did, Then he went in the closet to pee.
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, 'You must seize it, and squeeze it, And tease it, and please it, For Rome wasn't built in a day.'
There was a young fellow named Shear, Who stuck a ballpoint in his ear. When he punctured the drum, He said, "That hurts some, But the rest of the way through, is clear."
A niece of the late Queen of Sheba Was promiscuous with an amoeba. This queer blob of jelly Would lie on her belly And, quivering, murmur: "Ich Liebe!"
Give a thought to the Empress of Sheba, Who thought Solomon called her Mein Liebe. She brought him wild asses, And grapes from Parnassus, Whilst he gave her - what? - heeba-jeeba.
The priest, a cocksucker named Sheen, Is delighted [their | his] sins are not seen. 'Though God sees through walls,' Says Monsignor, ' - Oh! Balls! This God stuff is simply a screen.'
Links:
IndexThere was an Old Person of Sheen, Whose expression was calm and serene; He sate in the water, And drank bottled porter, That placid Old Person of Sheen.
There once was a Welsh mountain sheep [Who] sang Gregorian Chant in his sleep. When local monks heard They thought it absurd That a ram should intone strains so deep.
A bugger who buggered some sheep, Tried to bugger a ewe while asleep, Who awoke with a start And ripped a great fart. Now he's covered in shit three feet deep.
A wolf saw a huge herd of sheep, And dreamed of the mutton he'd reap, But he fell for a ewe, And since that won't do, The ram jabbed him solid and deep.
By tradition, when guarding their sheep, Shepherds sing, play the panpipes, or sleep. But Little Boy Blue Preferred a good screw In the haystack with Little Bo Peep!
There once was a goon from Sheepshit Who proved to be only a half-wit. His girlfriend he bumped, And seeing her cunt, "My God," he cried, "I've cracked it!"
There was an old man of Sheerness, Who invited two friends to play chess, But he'd lent all the pieces To one of his nieces, And stupidly lost the address.
Mrs. Bobbitt reached under the sheet For John's poor tired little Pete. But when he looked there He saw only hair, For now it lay out in the street!
Links:
IndexThere once was a handsome young sheik, With a marvelous penile physique. Its length and its weight, Made it seem really great, But he fell very short on technique.
Mary Murphy had drunk with a sheik, For what seemed the best part of a week. Gurgling, "I'm full, I think, To the edge of my brink, If I take any more, why I'll leak!
If you fasten your ear to a shell It will conjure a magical spell. The sands of Hawaii Will whisper "How are ya? Aloha. Hello and farewell."
A lovesick skydiver named Sherm Bailed out with his prick long and firm; Two jerks plus a spasm Produced an orgasm, And he spelled out "I love you" in sperm.
The trouble with General Sherman - He acted too much like a German - Attacking Savannah In much the same manner As Adolf or Heinrich or Hermann.
There was a young lady named Sherri Seduced by the lesbian Mary. She found love that day And with dikes she'll stay But still she has not lost her cherry.
I sell the best brandy and sherry To make my good customers merry, But at times their finances Run short as it chances, And then I feel very sad, very.
she's - see Louise
Links:
IndexThere was an Old Person of Shields, Who frequented the valley and fields; All the mice and the cats, and the snakes and the rats, Followed after that Person of Shields.
The things that occur on the shingle, On the beaches surrounding old Dingle, Can only be said, In the bed of the wed, For they'd tingle the single to mingle.
Two dollies aboard a cruise ship, Men found mighty easy to trip. But their seual excesses So wrinkled their dresses, That the next time they're planning to strip.
There was a young woman named Shirley, With eyes blue, cheeks pink, and teeth pearly. Her figure curved nicely Where it ought to precisely, And when she said "No", men grew surly.
There was a young fellow called Shit, A name he disliked quite a bit; So he changed it to Shite - A step in the right Direction, one has to admit.
Maggie is such a sad sack of shit That no one will tickle her tit. It would make her so glad To be had by a lad, Her drawers cream at the mere thought of it.
Dude, you can't rhyme worth a shit Due to the fact you lack wit Your meter's way off And for this I scoff If you can't write right, then GIT!
Said a whore in a house in Shit Falls, "While they ain't very stylish, men's balls Are delightful to feel; If you squeeze 'em, they squeal, But don't twist their balls, 'cause they squalls!"
Said the Queen of Romania while shitting: "This nauseous act I'm committing Suits only the common herd. That we Royals must turd, I consider both gross and unfitting."
There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock, Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock. But her cunt's got a pucker That's best not to fuck, or When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
Benny just makes this girl shiver. Just thinking of him makes me quiver, When I start to spasm From a mental orgasm, That Benny can somehow deliver.
There was an old Abbess quite shocked, To find nuns where the candles were locked. Said the Abbess, "You nuns, Should behave more like guns, And never go off 'till you're cocked."
He admits his appearance is shoddy, His lawn is more seedy than soddy; But an organ or two Transplanted, won't do, Where's the list to sign up for a body?
The Old Woman who lived in a Shoe [Whacked | Beat] all her kids black and blue; If only she had Seen [an F.P.A. | a birth control] ad, Then she would have known what to do.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe With more children than she could handle. And when they were grown, And all had left home, She moved herself into a sandal.
The old woman who lived in a shoe, When she had nothing better to do, Would bed down her dears, After boxing their ears, And relax with a cobbler or two.
On The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe
Once a raven from Pluto's dark shore Brought the singular news: "Nevermore." 'Twas of useless avail To ask further detail, His reply was the same as before.
A notorious roundheels named Shore Would allow horny sailors to score, But employed every means Of avoiding Marines- She was rotten, they claimed, to the Corps.
Though a horny young locksmith named Shore Had the hots for his favorite whore, When the cops got inside, With a true craftsman's pride, He was making a bolt for the door.
A daring young midget named Shore, Went to bed with a very large whore. And, God rest his soul! He fell into the hole, Screamed twice, and was heard from no more.
On good old Malaya's [West] shore Lived a queen with the tastes of a whore. When asked to cohabit, She would fuck like a rabbit 'Gainst the sidewalls, the ceiling, or floor.
A thrifty young fellow of Shoreham Made brown paper trousers and woreham; He looked nice and neat Till he bent in the street To pick up a pin; then he toreham
There was an Old Person of Shoreham, Whose habits were marked by decorum; He bought an Umbrella, And sate in a cellar, Which pleased all the people of Shoreham.
A contemptuous matron in Shoreham Behaved with extreme indecorum. She snapped a sarcastic And secret elastic Throughout the community forum.
Victoria was bitterly short About hanky-panky at court; One lady admonished, Said: 'I am astonished. John Brown cannot be what I thought.'
In music, a man who fell short, Was arrested, and taken to court. He proposed in a theme A more liberal scheme: To release Mahler's Fifth as a quart.
A virile young G.I. named Shorty, Was lively, and known to be "sporty". But he once made a slip And showed up with a "drip", And was redlined (35-1440).
He Loved those Opening Bars
In Music an Aggie fell short, Was arrested, and taken to court. He'd proposed in a theme A more liberal scheme: To release Mahler's Fifth as a quart.
An Indian chief, a Shoshoni, Was interested in matrimony. He could not find a bride He wanted to ride So he married a spotted pony.
shot - see Louise
Links:
IndexSaid a practical thinker: 'One should Help to kill superstition for good. I, for instance, refuse To observe the taboos, With immunity, so far, touch wood.'
The problem is that our rhymes should Be posted as limericks. Would All of you please Accept my 'pologies If I promise to try and be good?
"Yes, mother, it's starting to show," Said Nell, "But no use blaming Joe. And I doubt it was Fred, Or the vicar, or Ned. The truth is, I simply don't know."
We're watching a wacky new show The contestants aren't in it for dough The way that it's played If you win you get laid They're calling it "Fucked If I Know!"
Daily Ditty 57 Wednesday, 13 August 1997
My uncle puts on quite a show He'll walk out on water, real slow - Though not in this season; "I perform," is his reason, "At my best when it's twenty below."
Links:
Indexshow - see Charlene
Links:
IndexTHE UNHOLY DUO
Two drunkards were hired for a show: musicians, I mean, Crotch and Blow. When they arrived on the night they were already tight and abusive, I happen to know. You're Grosse, out of Tune by Mile. Your Fiddle, I'm sorrie, sounds Vile." "What's to Botch, my name's Crotch, so don't expect Much: I be a Scrofulous Scratcher the While. But you with your famous Great Horne are the most wanton Dildoe yet Born: Yes, you, it's been showne, should have been named John Blown, 'cause you Are every Night until Morne!"
As a survey has recently shown, When a husband is tactlessly prone To demand wifely thrills, In the contest of wills He may finish just holding his own.
A physicist readily shows From the rate at which radiance grows That matter, one day, Will have fizzled away. But the puzzle is how it arose.
A mechanic who married a shrew, Got her tamed in a minute or two. He just took out his kit, And fiddled a bit. All it took was a turn of the screw.
The tiniest animal, the shrew, Is known for the three-second screw. He'll repeat it at will, On any mole hill, And his head is all that turns blue.
There was a young lady named Shriver, Who was screwed in the ass by the driver. And when she complained, He said, "Sorry you were pained", And gave her a fiver to bribe her.
There once was this midget named Shriver, Who only paid whores with a fiver. But it wasn't his height That made this price right, He just had a two-inch pile-driver!
An old couple just at Shrovetide Were having a piece - when he died. The wife for a week Sat tight on his peak, And bounced up and down as she cried.
As played by the phantoms of Shrule, Midnight football is eerie and cruel; If one kicks a ghost Past the other's goal post, He wins credit for scoring a ghoul.
A necrophile name of Ned Shultz, Often brags of his deeds and exults, " 'Tis legal, it's said, To make love to the dead, If performed by consenting adults."
A handsome whore-hopper named Shumate Acquired him a masculine screw-mate. As they feathered the bird, There came up a third. Who said, "Let me in on that too, mate."
Daily Ditty 170 Thursday, 4 December 1997
The North Pole is a little bit shy Of girl elves, and I quess that is why Those reindeer like Vixen Get a bit extra fixin' - No wonder those suckers can fly!
Links:
IndexDaily Ditty 177 Thursday, 11 December 1997
There once was a girl, kinda shy, And I was her first (don't known why) She was grateful as hell, But afraid she would swell Not long after I bade her good-bye [ Few people complain of my style No matter how vulgar or vile But it's not my desire To raise anyone's ire So I'll lay off of Jesus a while ]
Links:
IndexThere was a young fellow named Si, Whose motto was "Never say die." Too plain to attract, He never attacked. If he couln't persuade, he would buy.
Royal Spasm in Five Fits
A preposterous King of Siam Said 'For women I don't care a damn. But a fat-bottomed boy Is my pride and my joy - They call me a bugger: I am!" "Indeed," quoth the King of Siam, "For cunts I just don't give a damn. They haven't the grip, Nor the velvety tip, Nor the scope of the ass-hole of man."
Links:
IndexThere once was a girl of Siam Who said to her love[r], [young [Kiam | Priam] | Omar Khayyam], 'If you take me, of course, You must do it by force, But God knows you are stronger than I am.'
Links:
IndexThere was a young man from Siam, Who said, 'I go in with a wham, But I soon lose my starch, Like the mad month of March, And the lion comes out like a lamb.'
While seducing the Queen of Siam, An imprudent American named Sam Was deprived of his nuts By two deftly place cuts, And what dangles there now is a sham.
To the eunuch, the Queen of Siam Cried, "Fuck me, O nutless Big Sam! Behind or in front, Either arsehole or cunt, One or both, - I don't give a goddam!"
There was a young lad from Siam, Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. He loved them real small, Cause they're more fun to ball, So he went out and bought him a lamb.
Siberia - see Liberia
Links:
IndexSaid a hesitant youth from Siberia, "If it please you, uh, try, my dearie, uh, This, uh, thingamabob Is what, uh, does the job, When it's thrust into, uh, your interior."
There was a young nun from Siberia Endowed with a virgin interior - Until an old monk Jumped into her bunk, And now she's the Mother Superior.
Links:
Index
There once was a monk in Siberia,
Whose life grew progressively drearier.
He at last - sad to tell! -
Hanged himself in his cell,
And the cause of his suicide was - what the hell?
- Reading limericks by &^*&^*!
There was a young monk of Siberia, Who of fucking grew weary and wearier. At last, with a yell, He burst from his cell, And buggered the Father Superior.
Getting girls for the fellows from Sicily, Involves acts that are winky and whistly. But all over Italy Fathers react fitally, And go after them knify and missily.
Said a man to a maiden of Sicily, "Can a man give you a fuck, or can't he?" She said with a grin, "Sure, shove it right in, But pronto, I beg, not al dente."
sick - see bunny
Links:
IndexRick Nicci's chick, Vicky (a sicky), In the thick of a quicky waxed tricky; Sick Vicky gave Ricky's Slick dicky six hickeys, Quickly flicking licks trickily sticky.
An erotic neurotic named [Syd | Sid], Got his Ego confused with his Id. His errant libido Was like a torpedo, And that's why he done what he did.
A bargaining fellow named Sid Was pricing a girl in Madrid. After setting a fee, She said "Come with me." He replied, "It's too late; I just did!"
"Since my nieces are darlings," said Sid, "I oblige them - I do what I'm bid." As he tucked them in bed, He asked, "What's to be read?" "'Uncle Remus!'" they cried - so he did.
There was a young fellow called Sid Who never could open the lid Of the jar in his car. So he asked his old Ma To open it for him. She did.
Daily Ditty 86 Thursday, 11 September 1997
My boss is a fellow named Sid With the mind of an eight-year-old kid Just outside his door A sign said, "Wet floor," Sid saw it, and read it ... and did!
Links:
IndexThere was a young seaman named Sid Who decided to bugger a squid. But the squid squirted ink On the pink of his dink, And went down in the bilges and hid.
Said a sodomous sissy from Siddon: "I prefer my perversion well-hidden. Though a young man may suit The desire of my root, I'm aware that such fruit is forbidden."
Dr. Spooner, his son at his side, Went to witness two houses allied. When the wedding was done, Spooner said to his son, "Now it's kisstomarry to cuss the bride."
side - see Muffet
Links:
IndexFor travellors going sidereal, The danger, they say, is bacterial. I don't know the pattern On Mars, or on Saturn But on Venus it must be venereal.
A sailor at Sidi ben Sayid, Said, 'Now I shall sleep, for I'm tired.' That's not what he said When he saw on his bed A nubile and naked young naiad.
An oversexed Scholar of Sidney, Subsisted on sweetbreads and kidney. He gained first position In Carnal Coition; He had the right diet, though, didney?
There was an old fellow named Sidney, Who drank 'til he ruined a kidney. It shriveled and shrank, As he sat there and drank, But he had a good time of it, didn't he?
There once was a fellow named Siegel, Who attempted to bugger a beagle, But the mettlesome bitch, Turned and said with a twitch, "It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
There was a young farmer named Sig Whose prick was too long and too big. His perverted passion, Contrary to fashion, Consisted of fucking a pig.
No bananas, she said with a sigh, And a tear trickled down from her eye, No cukes, no zucchinis, No Oscar Meyer weenies, Guess I'll have to go find me a guy.
To her beau, she whined and then sighed; Her vibrator battery died. She got off instead With ten minutes of head, Then she gave his old Willy a ride!
A cat in despondency sighed, And resolved to commit suicide. She passed under the wheels Of eight automobiles, And under the ninth one, she died.
sight - see Sioux Falls
Links:
Indexsight - see snood
Links:
Indexsignor - see sin
Links:
IndexThere once was a sweet signorina, Who made one quite glad to have seen 'er. To get in, however you Had better endeavor to Wait in line with a legal subpoena.
There was an old girl of Silesia Who said, "As my cunt doesn't please ya, You might as well come Up my slimy old bum, But be careful [Watch that Jimmy] the tapeworm don't seize ya."
Links:
IndexThe Milky Way
A Molokan whose shorts were of silk Sang dank chants, and sad songs of that ilk During Lent. But he'd still Grab a nip of the swill His Ma brewed from cold borscht and fresh milk. During Lent, when fresh milk was abhorred, Otets Ivan, who liked not to be bored, Ate stale cabbage and wurst As his lungs fairly burst With loud songs of Swiss cheese to the Lord.
There's nothing that's dumber or sillier Than the hairs in your nose labeled cilia. They stick out so far, And they look quite bizarre, And I knew that this treatise would thrill ya.
silly - see NG
Links:
IndexThree lustful young ladies of Simms, Were blessed with such oversized quims, The Bishop of their diocese Got elephantiasis, For his life wasn't all singing hymns.
Links:
IndexThere was a young fellow named Simon Who tried to discover a hymen. But he found every girl Had relinquished her pearl, In exchange for a solitaire diamond.
There once was a man named Simon, Who gave a virgin a diamond. But it was a con, So he could climb on, And force his prick up through her hymen!
simple - see Chaldees
Links:
IndexTo a doc said his wife, "It's a sin, But I don't want a baby again. To help save our marriage, Take my baby carriage, But I still want to keep my play pen." (But still keep the box it came in.)
Drinking is never a sin As long as the fluid flows in. A beer and a shot Make the body real hot, And a turbulent feeling within!
To moralists, sex is a sin, Yet Nature suggests we begin. She arranged it, no doubt, That a fellow juts out In the place where a damsel juts in.
There's nothing like living in sin If you've got a nice place to live in. Not to mention a gal Who is more than a pal, With a hole that just fits your pin.
Said a man to a lady of sin As he peeked up her skirt with a grin "I came out of a spot, Just like that. But Mein Gott, With yours, I could crawl right back in."
It's a wonderful pleasure to sin With the bountiful lusty Miss Quinn. But her love-screams and crying Are terribly trying - Twice last week the cops busted in.
"I now will persuade you to sin, And now is the time to begin." Adam's arms were outspread, And Eve quickly said, "What's that odor? My God, it's your skin!" His ardor, young Adam would slake, If Eve he'd be able to take. They nestled with ease Beneath the tall trees, 'Twas then she complained of headache. Now the serpent was wily and crafty And he moved upon Eve oh so daftly He said "put it in" And there began sin It was then that things really got nasty. While wearing the leaves of a fig, They drew from Life's Fountain a swig. Then Eve, her head throbbin' Taught her daughter, Robyn, The wrong way to treat a good sig. And what's "the wrong way" good signor - If I may ask, or beg, or implore? It seems plain to me As it was to dear Eve That the garden has pleasures galore. Of apples, God warned them, "Be wary," "They can make situations quiet hairy" But I doubt that's the fruit That gave them the boot-- More likely 'twas only a cherry.
since - see Chaldees
Links:
Index"In my studies I'm very sincere, I fuck for the skinny old dear. Cum laude I'll blaze In arrays of straight-A's If he lasts till the end of the year." The other girl tittered with glee. "I can see that's the system for me. I'll go through like a dream, Though I'm sure it will seem I've been screwed - to a certain degree."
My apology's really sincere, Pathetic as it might well appear I feel truly ashamed As I often have claimed To be writing the best metre here.
Links:
IndexAnthropologists, clear-eyed, sincere, In the far South Pacific one year Discovered graffiti On ancient Tahiti: Kilroy and Paul Gauguin were here.
In the land of Pisuerga, they sing Of how their beloved late King Would step right up and pee, If caught short, on a tree, And the hell with exposing his thing!
A chap who was sailing for Singapore, Left room in his seabag to bring a whore, Then forgot that he had, Until she turned bad, Which tended to make the whole thing a bore.
There once was a woman from Singapore, Who thought that her life had become a bore. So she flew off to Spain, In a jumbo jet plane, To become the first lady toreador.
The boss told his steno, "Miss Singer, Though the office force thinks you're a swinger, I don't really condone Using my Dictaphone. I'd feel better if you used your finger."
There once a woman named Singer, When landing herself a hum-dinger. She started to drool When she took out his tool, Saying, "Now I can stop using my finger!"
There once was a lady who'd sinned, Who said as her abdomen thinned, "By my unsullied honor, I'm not [a | the] madonna! My baby has gone with the wind."
A playboy renowned as a sinner, Once took out a girl friend for dinner; When the eating was done, He said, "Let's have fun," With his thoughts on the brandy within her!
A hoary old sinner named Sinnet, Took his prick out and started to skin it. He muttered, "though that key Was fat old Blavatsky, I could do in a pinch with a linnet."
There was a young man of Sioux Falls Renowned in vaudeville halls; His favorite trick Was to stand on his prick And then slide off the stage on his balls! And this was a wonderful sight And the ladies just swooned with delight. The men felt so blue At the things he could do That they jacked themselves off, out of sight.
Links:
IndexEthnologists up with the Sioux Wired home for 'two punts, one canoe'. The answer next day Said, 'Girls on the way, But what the hell's a "panoe"?'
An Indian maiden, a Sioux, As tempting as a fresh honeydioux, Liked to show off her knees, As she strolled past tepees, And hear the braves holler, "[Wioux, Wioux! | Yioux Hioux]"
There once was a sensuous Sioux, Who liked to do nothing but screw. She would give no relief To her favorite chief, Until both of his balls had turned blue.
Links:
IndexA wandering tribe, called the Siouxs, Wear moccasins, having no shiouxs. They are made of buckskin, With the fleshy side in, Embroidered with beads of bright hyiouxs.
Links:
IndexWhen out on the warpath, the Siouxs March single file - never by tiouxs - And by 'blazing' the trees Can return at their ease, And their way through the forests ne'er liouxs.
Links:
IndexThe principal food of the Siouxs Is Indian maize, which they briouxs And hominy make, Or mix in a cake, And eat it with forks, as they chiouxs.
Links:
IndexA convicted prisoner named Sipes Said, "This is one of my gripes. If I'm put in here For my checkered career Why am I wearing stripes?
There was a young soldier named Ed - Sir, Who spent everyday in his bed - Sir, One morning at one, They fired the gun, And Ed - Sir, in his bed - Sir, was dead - Sir!!
A wanton young lass asked an ass, "Sir, Do you love me?" So then as he passed her, He gave her a bang From his powerful wang 'Twas catastrophe, almost disaster.
Said a certain sweet red-headed siren, "Young sailors are cute, I must try one!" She came home in the nude, Screwed, stewed, and tattooed With lewd pictures and verses from Byron.
Links:
IndexI saw an old fellow of Sirius, I thought I was merely delirious. But he ate me with zeal, I'm convinced he was real That zealous old gourmand of Sirius.
A fantastic young Prince of Sirocco Had erotical penchants roccoco. The prick of this Prince Was flavored with quince, And he seasoned his semen with cocoa.
A medieval [recluse | monk] named Sissions Was alarmed by his nightly emissions. His cell-mate, a sod, Said, "Leave it to God." And taught him some nifty positions.
There was a young fellow named Sistall, Who shot three old-maids with a pistol. When 'twas known what he'd done, He was given a gun By the unmarried curates of Bristol.
Prince Absalom lay with his sister, And bundled and nibbled and kissed her. But the kid was so tight And it was deep night, Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
When I start my own silly Web site, My computer will burst with delight. I'll compress, in his files, Incipient smiles, And satirical bits with more bite.
I checked out the IFL'97 web site Looking for Springer info with bite But all that I found Was a page of melodious sound And no LNCS in sight.
When visiting underground sites, [Remember which are | Here's how you can tell] stalagmites. Just picture [the | by] chance [Of | Some] ants in [the | your] pants: When mites go up, down come the tites.
There was a young Spaniard from Sitges, Who kept all the tourists in stitches. By parading around With an ominous frown, And a banana in front of his britches.
A lovely girl swimmer named Sive, Was swingy, tough, eager, alive. "I keep my head above water," She said, "As I oughter, But I like best of all a low dive."
SCORAGGIAMENTO
Papal eunuchs - the Sexy Sixtines - Get depressed when they sing at complines. Soggy rhythms galore, And those tunes, what a snore! During sermons, they read magazines.
Pouilly Fuisse '69 Is known as a hell of a wine. But a similar number Done with Miss Cumber Was found to be equally fine.
While attempting to *69, On the telephone, I will remind As much as you might pout, That leaving the star out, Will not help the orally inclined.
Which partners are best? Sixty-niners. And better than that? Try the Shriners. These are the results Of consenting adults, (and occasional like-minded minors.)
G.M. Hopkins
The heart of O'Leary, S.J. Stirred for a bird in the hay, So he side-saddled Lily, Fair fire-freckled filly, And rode her long-lustly all day.
An impoverished young couple named Skeat, Used to bundle to save on the heat. But six kids in five years, Left them [in such | so in] arrears, They have never again made ends meet.
A buggerish Texan named Skelly Likes boyish butts under his belly. When a catamite foil Hears him brag, "I'm in oil!" What he means is petroleum jelly.
An authoress, armed with a skewer, Once hunted a hostile reviewer. "I'll teach him," she cried, "When I've punctured his hide, To call my last novel too pure."
The penis of Scrabbleton Skink Was set in a curious kink. So he cut off the end Where it started to bend, And used it for mixing his drink.
There was a young fellow named Skinner Who [had | took] a young lady to dinner At quarter [past | to] nine They sat down to dine And by quarter to ten it was in her What, dinner? No, Skinner [Skinner was in her before dinner.]
Links:
IndexThere was an old fellow named Skinner, Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. But still, by and large, It would always discharge, Once [he could just get it | firmly implanted] within her.
There was a young lady named Skinner, Who dreamt that her lover was in her. She woke with a start, And let a loud fart, Which was followed by [luncheon and | yesterday's] dinner.
There once was a girl so skinny She wore a size 5 bikini. In one smaller and newer She slipped into the sewer In St. Paul and came up in New Guinea.
Daily Ditty 109 Saturday, 4 October 1997
The Wolf caught Little Red where she skipped "Gonna rape ya!" he gleefully quipped "Uh-uh," said our Red, "You'll eat me instead, In this limerick you follow the script!"
Links:
IndexA lady, an expert on skis, Went out with a man who said, "Please On the next precipice Will you give me a kiss?" She said, "Quick, before somebody sees."
There was an old fellow of Skokie Who had spent a long time in the pokey. He spent so many years In his cell with the queers That his asshole was all charred and smokey.
A blasphemous bastard named Skougaard Had a horrid contempt for the true God. One Sunday, in chapel With his balls he did grapple, And buttered his penis with rhubarb.
We cannot know where in the sky
We cannot know where in the sky A signal is lurking, or why. We will search even though The chances are low. The payoff is well worth a try.
I gaze at the star sprinkled sky
I gaze at the star sprinkled sky and ask, "Is there one such as I in an alien place staring off into space, searching with strange wistful sigh?"
A small rock once fell through the sky
A small rock once fell through the sky It carried a message from high I come from the stars I'm your father from Mars So, give me a hug and say Hi!
Skye - see Rye
Links:
IndexThere was an Old Person of Skye, Who waltz'd with a Bluebottle fly: They buzz'd a sweet tune, to the light of the moon, And entranced all the people of Skye.
When Jael crept in to see Sisera, She aimed a bit up from his kisser, her Blow, as she said, Hit the nail on the head, And avoided much messier viscera.
There's an island off Scotland named Skye, Which the rugged seascapes beautify, Where the bagpipe's sound lilts, And the cut of the kilts Makes a guy really go for a guy.
A foolish young yokel from Skye
Procured a 'scrip of Spanish Fly.
He had a hot date
And just couldn't wait -
He drank up the whole bottle dry.
Later on at the drug store,
He showed Doc a cock red and sore.
He begged for some balm -
('Twas for his left arm -
The girl never came to the door!)
I can't tell you much about Slade. He just came for a weekend and stayed, Making rather too free With my household and me, And begetting four sons by our maid.
slake - see sin
Links:
IndexA crazy young fellow from Slane, Had some odd sort of thoughts in his brain. He swam the rivers of France, Led the gendarmes in dance, And though guilty, they found him in Seine.
slated - see Limerick
Links:
IndexA young gynecologist named Slater, While inspecting his fiance's mater, Cried aloud, "Oh, dear me, What is this that I see? I believe I've discovered Judge Crater."
A seafaring hacker named Slatey Went to bed with a VAX/780. The thing's learned to swear With a nautical air, And refers to its users as "matey".
I find aspects of hooking quite sleazy," Says a finicky harlot named Kesey. "Though it costs me some bread, I refuse to give head, Since my virtue, while easy, is queasy."
CHRISTMAS REVISITED:
When the crapper was smashed by his sled, Santa reeked from his boots to his head! "Did I not make it clear You dim-witted reindeer? On the roof of the Schmitt house, I said!"
At the Villa Dementia, the sleepers Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers. It beats all night long A dirge on a gong, As it staggers about in the creepers.
Daily Ditty 72, Thursday 28th August 1997
Some aliens abducted a slew Of young virgins, but not for a screw: "We won't risk E. coli, Hepatitis, eboli; We'll see they're well done in a stew" Even those most accustomed to grue Were shocked when an alien guru Deftly made gourmet fare Wasting only the hair While converting the gristle to glue That horrible alien crew Started eating on some unseen cue Did they truly not care 'Bout our horrified stare? To this question they left not a clue They finished their meal with a brew, Then before anyone could say "Boo!" They wiped off their chins, Gave us hideous grins, And blasted off into the blue.
Links:
IndexThree tenors, no matter how slick Are spreading it surely too thick. A cornetto, just one, Is quite enough fun. Times three and I think I'll be sick.
John is not nimble, not slick, Due to his large and cumbersome dick! He often wants anal, But that would be fatal, So if seen, better run away quick.
A massive thrust to her slit, Brought a fart that should have been lit, "Oh pardon," she sighed, "It's nothing," he cried, "Most other girls usually shit!"
No man has yet filled the vast slit In the lush, hairy crotch of Miss Witt. As a matter of course She now fucks a small horse, And is starting to kick about it.
There was a young dentist named Sloan, Who catered to [women | ladies] alone. In [an act | a mood] of depravity He filled the wrong cavity, And said, "My, how my business has grown!"
Links:
IndexA deplorable fellow named Sloane, Once called twenty girls on the phone. He asked each if they'd screw. Each replied, "Nuts to you!" So the poor guy sits home all alone.
There once was a corpulent slob Who desperately needed a job. He ranted and raved, His fortune was saved, By exploiting the ignorant mob.
Your pussy, my dear Mrs. Slocum, Is missing, or stolen, or brokum. I'm sorry to say I looked forward one day, To dig in my fingers and strokum.
Links:
IndexFrom a tree hung a queer three-toed sloth, Who to move was exceedingly wroth. But up in the tree He espied him a she And combined the best features of both.
There was an Old Person of Slough, Who danced at the end of a Bough; But they said, "If you sneeze, You might damage the trees, You imprudent Old Person of Slough."
There was a young lady of Slough, Who said that she didn't know how. '[Till | Then] a young fellow caught her, And jolly well taught her, [And] she lodges in Pimlico now.
There was an old person of Slough, Who took all his meals with a cow, Always said: 'It's uncanny, She's so like Auntie Fanny,' But he never would indicate how.
Another old person from Slough, Fucked rabbits and snakes and a sow. It may not be relevant, But he tried a small elephant - They're dredging to find his corpse now.
Her sidesaddle progress was slow; No track tout would rate her a pro. Said Godiva, "I rode While the townspeople oh'd Not to win or to place - but to show!"
slow - see burned
Links:
IndexA chelonia propels kind of slow. She's not known for speed, as you know. At times, she's quite fertile. Most people say "turtle," And her head, sometimes, just doesn't show.
Daily Ditty 180 Sunday, 14 December 1997
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #2 Things started out really quite slow But the rum in the punch caused a glow Administrative Assistants Lost all their resistance; Thank goodness for fresh mistletoe!
Links:
IndexI wanted that sensitive slut's Young soul to bed out in my hut's Back garden. A rose To bewitch both my nose And my eyes, but - Oh, too many but's!
If Marie Antoinette had been sly, She'd have lived till the sweet by-and-by. She'd have saved her poor head Through some mob head, instead, If she'd only said, "Let them eat pie!"
The Plutonian male is so small, He lives in the vaginal wall Of his mate. Yes, 'tis so! But he likes it, you know, And chacun a son gout, after all.
small - see Bikini Atol
Links:
IndexDaily Ditty 15, Wednesday, 25 June 1997
My playmates, when I was quite small, Were Nancy and Peter and Paul Nan amazed us one day When she showed us a way To play with FOUR Peters in all!
Links:
IndexShe looked terribly fragile and small, As she stood with her back to the wall. But she opened her sluices, And let out her juices, And bloody near flooded the hall!
A toothsome young starlet named Smart Was asked to display oral art As the price for the role. She complied, met his goal- And then sank her teeth in the part.
smart - see sex
Links:
IndexLeave it, my friend - be so smart - just as clean as when you start first you flush, flush and flush if it fails use the brush leave it a guess: shit or fart.
Leave it, my friend - be so smart - just as clean as when you start. First you flush, flush and flush, if it fails use the brush leave it a guess: shit or fart.
smart - see Three
Links:
IndexDaily Ditty 55 Monday, 11 August 1997
The fireworks last night were a smash But some of the food was such trash - I passed wind in the dark, Then heard someone remark, "I sure heard the NOISE, where's the FLASH?"
Links:
IndexHave you heard about Senator Smed Whose political chances are dead? He arrived hours late For his fundraising date With a garterbelt tied 'round his head.
When the prince, who was terribly smit, Tried the slipper on Cinders, and it Fitted so snugly, It gave the two Ugly Old Sisters a worse kind of fit.
There was a young [lady | coed] named Smith Whose virtue was rather a myth. We knew that she did it; She couldn't have hid it - The question was only who with.
At Wellesley, Vassar, and Smith, A common and recurring myth, That a masculine member, Helps students remember, Was found without substance or pith.
Oedipus, Oedipus, Oedipus Smith, Could copulate only with kin and/or kith. Till they cut off his penis, And thereafter Venus, To him was a beautiful, innocent myth.
smitten - see bored
Links:
IndexGreek sculptors attired in smocks; Nude statues created from rocks. But their names are forgotten, We recall just the rotten Old bishops who knocked off their cocks.
Daily Ditty 94 Friday, 19 September 1997
Let's hear it for those who still smoke! (Tobacco or merely a toke) Every puff that you blow Just goes out to show How much smarter us non-smoking folk!
Links:
Index"I regret," she announced with a smile, "That our music must wait for a while. I would love a duet, But I can't join you yet, Because ragtime was never my style."
Here's a tale that may make you smile, 'Bout a stitcher referred to as Kyle. He was working away On his friend's wedding day, And poked the bride as she came down the aisle.
An innocent bride, all shy smiles, Asked the old family medic, Doc Wiles, "Now what things are these That hang down to his knees?" Said the doctor, "On me, they'd be piles."
Some ladies I met in Smolensk Had passionate yearnings for gentsk; And since all their needs Were served best by Swedes, They hollered for men who were Svensk.
There was a Young Person of Smyrna, Whose grandmother threatened to burn her; But she seized on the cat, And said, "Granny, burn that! You incongruous old woman of Smyrna!"
Here's the tale of Benjamin Sneed: Where others were two'd he was three'd; When they unmasked it, (Three balls in his basket), He was voted "Most likely to Breed."
sneeze - see Louise
Links:
IndexOne dark night, a lady from Snelling, Awoke with a curious swelling, In the palm of her hand. It was, Yes!, A male gland! But whose, she had no way of telling.
A vicious young man name of Snerd, Had a sick sense of humor, we've heard. To get back at his aunts, He'd shit in his pants, And smear the whole floor with his turd.
Daily Ditty 141 Wednesday, 5 November 1997
Candy's dandy, they say, but I snicker At those who say liquor is quicker; A quick lick of my Candy Does the trick when I'm randy Much quicker than candy or liquor
Links:
IndexDaily Ditty 100 Thursday, 25 September 1997
She was beautiful, young, but too snide: "You can try, but you won't get inside!" I thought she was joking Until I tried poking; All I dented that night was my pride (Well, surprise! I have now reached one hundred I intend to go on, 'case you've wondered, 'Cause I'm still going strong, Though don't get me wrong, I'm aware of a few where I've blundered!) One hundred ditties, o' so fine Each one great, every line All hail Miller Limerick killer. Now for 1 0 1 we pine.
Links:
Indexsnide - see Just
Links:
IndexThere was once a professor named Snife, Who grew tired of foxhole [style] life. He longed for the classroom, Where he had more ass-room, And nights in bed with his wife.
Said a cocksman named Quick with a snigger, As his pecker grew bigger and bigger: "If I slipped in your slit With my tip on your clit, I'd describe that as Quick on the trigger!"
snit - see stone
Links:
IndexConsider the case of Mae Snively Who woke every morning at fively Uncovered her prize And said, "Hey, you guys, If you're looking for action, step lively.
There was a young man from Snodgrass, Who had dingleberries hanging from his ass. He threw them at people And shouted from the steeple, I fuck you all up the ass!"
The Nude Dude
He wears nothing, not even a snood, Or a loin cloth, and some think this rude. Women hire him to clean, (I could sure dig that scene) What's his number? I need the Nude Dude. Who the "Nude Dude" is, I cannot say, But he made a small headline today. He cleans homes a la buff, Which I think might be rough 'Cause his own hose might get in the way. Does he do windows? Mine are a sight. And I'm partial to bums smooth and tight. I love biceps that flex, And admire super "pecs" And a clean house would be a delight. He says nothing "funny" goes on, And most customers watch him and yawn. Yeah, elephants fly, Raccoons live in a sty, And brains are admired over brawn.
A man who liked to chew snoose, Made improper advance towards a moose. It gored him and kicked him, Then mounted and dicked him, Knocking his testicles loose.
Song Cycle
I'm off for a trip in the snow. I'll be gone for some time, don't you know. Goodbye to the town Where my girl let me down And to you, organ-grinder, hello!
When a corpulent spinster named Snow Was approached by a dwarf for a blow, She replied, "I have pride! Your request is denied! I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"
Links:
IndexAn art buff in London named Snow, Accosted a fortnight ago, Is alleged to have quipped When a flasher unzipped, "Your exhibit's well hung, sir. Good show!"
Since her baby came, Miss Snow Won't diddle, she just hollers, "NO!" She thinks a fat senator, Was its likely progenitor But having laid ten, she can't know ...
Daily Ditty 138 Sunday, 2 November 1997
I abhor the onslaught of snow When the cold makes a man ... well, you know, Shrivel up like a raisin. I find it amazin' There exist any young Eskimo
Links:
IndexThere was a young princess, Snow-White, Who awoke with a terrible fright She was frightened and shaken - She shouldn't have taken That Seven-Up last thing at night.
While the bill was debated, Miss Snyder Had a Senator thrusting inside her.... To a knock at the door, She replied from the floor, "Go away - I'm attached to a rider!"
There was a T/5, name of Snyder, Who took out a girl just to ride her. She allowed him to feel From her neck to her heel, But never would let him inside her.
"With my bride, I'm fed up", said old Snyder. "As a bride, she was fun when astride her. At first, I'll admit There was a very small slit, But at present, the split is much wider."
I wonder just how it is so That Maggie incites it to flow. With some other lass It gets hard as glass, But not wet and sticky, you know?
soaring - see biography
Links:
IndexA scion of Boston society Was pinched, and for mere [impropriety | insobriety]. 'I will lay in the gutter, [Refusing |And refuse] to utter One word in defence of sobriety.'
PYTHAGORICS:
Pythagoras formed a society That saw numbers as objects of piety From mere ratio and fraction They derived satisfaction Of a quasi-religious variety. The whole world, if their view's not erroneous, Is a God that's well-tuned and harmonious. So of course they're ecstatic When waxing mathematic: As they do so, how much the more known He is! (It was musical measures and ratios That first hinted at vistas this spacious. For each song, to these seers, Was like Music of Spheres, Tracing paths, each precisely curvaceous.) In addition, the group held canonic, Knowing God makes your soul more harmonic. For the more that you're partisan, All the more that your heart is in Attune with God's Architectonic. This, they held (like the cult known as Orphic), We once had but, alas!, had to forfeit. So let's rise - or keep falling To a state (how appalling!) Even lower than anthropomorphic! To insure such a fate's not eventual, Don't give in (all that much) to what's sensual. If you'd rather not worry, Then it's Reason you'll curry, Or at least if you have any sense you will! It's pure Reason alone that can glean The proportions that shape the world-scene. Only that's what can raise us To share in God's graces. (If we don't by the way, eat a bean!) Yes, one part of this deal (should you buy it) Is taboo touching sex and our diet. Why no beans? No one knows. But the point, I suppose, Is to help keep our lowly part quiet.
Links:
IndexFor his Campbell's Soup screen-prints, society's Wild about Warhol. In quiet, he's Wishing that Heinz Has inspired his designs - He'd have 57 varieties.
When you lay a young girl on the sod, It isn't the size of your prod, It's the way that you diddle Your ladyfriend's middle That improves her relations with God.
There once was a lady of Sodom; For women she cared not a goddam. But a virgin she died, For each male she espied Was pursuing some other guy's boddom.
They accused an old lecher of Sodom That he fucked 'em and promptly forgot 'em. "Though I may forget faces," He told the straight laces, "I always remember a bottom."
There was a young girl [from Sofia | named [Myer | Sapphire]] Who succumbed[gave in] to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher!"
There was a young man of Soho, Whose tastes were exceedingly low. He said to his mother, "Let us suck one another, And swallow the seminal flow."
A graduate student named Sol Was accused of having one ball. He shriejed, "It is true, But what can one do, When to Pater one has given one's all?"
Links:
IndexSaid a herring one day to a sole: 'Life's very unfair - 'pon my shoal! While I'm stark on a slab, You will be with that crab, Billed in French at the Ritz-Metropole.'
An untutored Southwestern solon, Couldn't tell his behind from a hole in That good Texas ground, Till the day that he found, That oil wouldn't come out of his colon.
There was a Greek ruler named Solon, With a fondness for joys that were stolen. He claimed Alcibiades, Whom he buggered on Fri-a-days, Had the nicest tight ass for cornholin'.
There once was a fellow from Soma Who emitted a noxious aroma. For some it caused wheezing, For others just sneezing - But some it put into a coma!
A cabby's wife, brighter than some, Had a meter installed in her bum. With a musical chime To keep track of the time, And allow you to pay as you come.
SEX AND THE SINGLE SABIO
Every night, King Alphonse [X] the something Practiced his favorite sport, which was humping. Trying out new positions, He'd command his musicians To play cantigas for the royal pumping.
SEX AND THE SINGLE SABIO
Every night, King Alfonse X the Something Practiced his favorite sport, which was humping. Trying out new positions, He'd command his musicians [To] play Cantigas for the royal pumping.
Tom, Tom, the piper's son, Let loose a fart, and away he run. But Tom fell in An old shit bin, And ever since then, Tom stinks like sin!
Make the most of your daughter and son; With good dental work, you'll have won. Get them fillings of gold - So that they can be sold At a much higher price than with none!
As Mozart composed a sonata, The maid bent to fasten her garter; Without any delay He started to play Un poco piu appassionata..
A tragic young wife, Mrs. Sondant, Made complaint in an accent despondent. The courtroom was sultry, The charge was adultry, Her brother was named co-respondent.
There was a bank teller named Sonny, Whose personal habits were funny. Every day, without fault, He'd jerk off in the vault 'Cause he wanted to come into money.
A heifer from up near the Soo, When approached by a bull, answered "Moo." Then she took the wrong tack, And lay down on her back; But the bull figured out what to do.
My boy, don't get married too soon. To do it's the act of a loon. It's all right to play In the great month of May, But a wedding takes place in Jejune.
soon - see Louise
Links:
IndexThe first chap to fuck little Sophie Was awarded the Kraft-Ebbing Trophy. Thus ten thousand quid, For what the guy did Will be widely considered a low fee.
I know of an awful soprano, Who, landing a guest spot on Leno, Was ired by his zingers, On her high shrieking stingers, She threw him into the piano!
There once was a son-of-a-bitch, Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, Yet the girls he would dazzle, And fuck to a frazzle, And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch.
The damned Jap sons-a-bitches, We made them wet their britches. We grabbed our gun, And made 'em run, The goddammed sons-a-bitches.
A runner from far outer space Came to earth to take part in a race Caused great consternation When he used levitation At his own, supersonic[al] pace.
There once was a creature from space Who had arse where there should have been face An eye was an ear, Balls hung from the rear But his Willy was in the right place.
Whilst scanning one night into space
space - see it
Links:
IndexWhen M's a complete metric space, And non-empty we know is the case, That if f's a contraction, Then under its action, There's only one point stays in place!
Whilst scanning one night into space I espied an echoey trace. My microwave MMIC's Thus silenced the cynics, Who may yet see an alien race.
"My back aches. My [penis | pussy] is sore. I simply can't fuck any more. I'm dripping with sweat, And you haven't come yet: And, my God, it's a quarter to four."
Links:
IndexA certain young fellow from Sorn Was an ardent devotee of porn; The frontal displays That encountered his gaze Encouraged this craze And assisted to raise His rather inadequate horn.
Daily Ditty 103 Sunday, 28 September 1997
A week ago, much to my sorrow I said I would pay off, tomorrow ... Booky, Feds, and ex-wife Now all threaten my life Have you got fifty grand I can borrow? Get real. Call my lawyer -The Ex-wife. You're cement. -Bookie Sam The Knife. Ya good in bed? - Rupert, The Fed. John- Forget it. Just snuff out my life! The bookies, you should not abuse. Make sure and pay up when you lose Or it could be grim Might have to swim In a new pair of cement shoes. Suppose, John, I loan 50K. Will that be enough for today, To pay tax, bets, ex-wife, And to straighten your life? Afraid NOT, so now - "Let us Pray."
Links:
IndexMy wife is an amorous soul On fire for an African's pole. She told a coon chauffeur That he was her gopher - And, say, did he go for her hole! As he creamed my wife's cunt, the [coon | black] said, 'I could fuck this until she was dead!' As he plugged up her trough, I jerked myself off; 'If that's how you feel, go ahead!'
Maggie, a most amoral soul, Is obsessed with [an] African's pole[s]. She told her black chauffeur That he was her gopher, And that he should go for her hole.
Confession is good for the soul. I admit that I've dreamed of a hole, That was not round but square, And had silky green hair, So thick it was like a mink stole.
Said an eager young surgeon from Souling, "So far, we have only been fooling. Soon it won't vex us, To change both the sexes, It's simply a case of retooling."
Altar girls now help priests to save souls. Lighting candles at Mass are new roles. Pederasty (don't laugh) Will be now cut in half For the priest has a choice of two holes.
Augustus, for splashing his soup, Was put for the night on the stoop. In the morning he'd not Repented a jot, And next day he was dead of the croup.
Lizzie, I'm told by my source, Has had intercourse with a horse. Her husband named Bernie Has seen an attorney, And was told he has grounds for divorce.
Now John, I was raised in the sout' And I know what revival's about. In back of the tent, Is where the boys went To squirt all those li'l devils out!
There was an Old Man of the South, Who had an immoderate mouth; But in swallowing a dish, That was quite full of fish, He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
A versatile girl from the South Of erogenous zones had no drouth. When she opened her chasm, She would have an orgasm, And ten when she did it by mouth!
An ingenious young man of South Bend Made a synthetic arse for a friend. But the friend shortly found Its construction unsound, It was simply a bother - no end.
A tourist in Rome, from South Bend, Decried sodomy to an old friend. Leered a visiting Bulgar: "Sir, you may say it's vulgar, But you'll find that it's fun, in the end."
[An aesthete | A fairy] from South Carolina, Had a cock that tinkled like china. But when shooting his load, It cracked like old Spode, So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
South Carolina - see China
Links:
IndexA woman from South Carolina Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina With the proper size cocks What was sex became Bach's Tocatta and fugue in D minor.
I once took my girl to Southend, Intending a loving weekend; But imagine the fuss - In the room next to us Was my wife with a gentleman friend.
There's a woman who lives at South Forks, Makes a fetish of old vermouth corks. She keeps those labeled France In the front of her pants, And Italy back round her porks.
There was a young blade from South Greece Whose bush did so greatly increase That before he could shack He must hunt needle in stack. 'Twas as bad as being obese.
There was a rich [e]squire of Southwark, From morning till night did his mouth work, So much and so fast, That he greatly surpassed All Westminster, London, and Southwark.
There once was a man from South Wheeling, Who tried to piss on the ceiling. His stream it was clear, Though he'd been drinking beer, And now the paint it is peeling.
Asi dije YO SOY QUE YO SOY: "Por La Virgen un carajo no doy. Lo que debe gustar Es Jesús caporar - Y para hacerlo Yo voy."
Links:
IndexThere was a young lady of Sow, Who said that she didn't know how. Then a young fellow caught her, And jolly well taught her. She can't get enough of it now.
On The Waste Land by T.S. Eliot
April. Bad month. Visit spa. Play chess. Meet too fecund Mamma. Look on undismayed While typist gets laid. Jug Jug. Da. Damyata. Ta ta.
The best thing I saw at the spa Was a beauty removing her bra. Her titties sprang out And danced all about, And my organ went do mi sol la.
When M's a complete metric space, And non-empty we know it's the case, That if f's a contraction, Then under its action, There's only one point stays in place!!
There was an old woman in Spain, To be civil went much 'gainst her grain; Yet she danced a fandango With General Fernando, This whimsical woman of Spain.
There was a young lady of Spain Who was fucked in a railway train Not once, but again And again, and again And again and again and again.
Spain - see Tain
Links:
IndexThere was a young lady from Spain Whose face was exceedingly plain, But her cunt had a pucker That made the men fuck her, Again and again and again.
Links:
IndexA handsome young noble of Spain, Met a lion one day in the rain. He ran in a fright, With all of his might, But the lion, he ran with his mane.
Spain - see Czechs
Links:
IndexDuring Mass at a church in Spaleto, Krummhorns tootled a dance by Susato. While the Bishop, a Croat, Rode the aisles on a goat, The archdeacon sucked on a tomato.
With color enough for twin spectra, This plane really needs nothing extra. As I walk to the back, I rejoice I wore black, For my Mourning Becomes Electra.
"If cannibals voted," said Spence, "I don't doubt that both of the gents Who are running would swear To give tribes everywhere Missionaries at public expense."
It seems a young damsel named Spenser, Than whom few young damsels are denser, Was beguiled by the flattery Of a satyr named Slattery... What later occurred we must censor!
Daily Ditty 178 Friday, 12 December 1997
On the couch right away Santa spied A voluptuous girl, legs spread wide "Won't you stay?" purred this beauty He said, "Hell with my duty! Now I can't fit back up if I tried!"
Links:
IndexA truck driving lesbo called Spike Hauls dildoes by night down the pike, And if asked by the fuzz, What it is that she does, She replies, "I'm a fake-dick-van dyke."
Hearing this, mewed the young King of Spain, "To fuck and to bugger is shame. But it's not infra dig. To occasionally frig - So I do it again and again." [Then up spake a | There was an old] Hindu mahout, [And | Who] said, "[What's all this blithering | You boys and girls fuck] about? [Why | But] I [get my | shoot my | have shot] spunk, [From | Up] an elephant's trunk." Cries of "[Shame! | Fraud!]", "[He's a shit | Kick his ass! | Lousy cheat!]", "Throw him out!"
Links:
IndexA rooster residing in Spain Used to [diddle | service] his hens in the rain. 'I give them a bloody Good time when it's muddy: Which keeps them from getting too vain.'
There was an Old Person of Spain, Who hated all trouble and pain; So he sat on a chair, With his feet in the air, That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Cried a hopeless young nympho in Spain, Who nightly took on a Great Dane: "Caramba! señ
There once was a monarch of Spain Who was terribly h[n]aughty and vain. When women were nigh He'd unbutton his fly And have[screw] them with [sighs | sneers] of disdain.
Said Queen Isabella of Spain, 'I like it now and again; But I wish to explain: That by 'now and again' I mean now, and again and again.'
There was a young lady of Spain Who took off her clothes on the train. A brave matador Fucked her twice on the floor, And once on the plain in the rain.
There was a Fair Lady in Spain Who constantly sang about rain; 'Twas no mental affliction, She just polished her diction Forecasting the rain on Spain's Plain.
During sex, a young housewife of Spake Used to shriek, shudder, snort, scream and shake; But her husband said, "Polly, Desist from this folly, You're keeping the neighbours awake."
I once had a dream where a spammer Burst into the scene with a yammer, Saying "I've smut for free! I swear there's no fee!" I spanked off his crank with a hammer.
I'm so damned fed up with these spammers My mailbox is full of their yammers I think if they're caught Their punishment ought To be smashing their 'puters with hammers.
Here are neatly turned odes of small span, Much concerned with our bodily plan, And the intercorporeal Highly sensorial Love-life of woman and man.
Daily Ditty 59 Friday, 15 August 1997
Even now there's a very great span 'Twixt the viewpoints of woman and man Just watch each face change When they hear THIS exchange: "Why's a dog lick his prick? 'Cause he CAN!"
Links:
Indexspan - see Bomb
Links:
IndexThere was a pragmatic young SPAR, Who would not let the boys go too far. An orgasm or two, She believed, ought to do, After which she'd say, "Well, there you are."
There was a young sparrow named Spark Who went hunting for cunt in the park. He came back to the nest, Kissed his mate and confessed He had only gone off on a lark.
There was an Old Person of Sparta, Who had twenty-five sons and one "darter"; He fed them on snails, And weighed them in scales, That wonderful Person of Sparta.
Sparta - see admit
Links:
IndexThere was a young fellow from [Sparta | Jakarta], A really[truly] magnificent farter, [On the strength | At the sight] of one bean He'd fart God Save the Queen, And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
Links:
IndexSparta - see persuasion
Links:
IndexGirls give Jim's stiff penis a spasm, Whenever he sees 'em or has 'em. He likes them so well, He needs only to smell, [Them, to | A snatch] have a spontaneous orgasm.
I am happy to help all wives spawn, And the last ten I've helped are far gone. To inoculate Sally, I must sneak through the alley, While her louse of a spouse mows the lawn.
A simple young fellow named Spear Had tricks both amusing and queer. He tickled the asses And cunts of the lasses, And stuck in his cock from the rear.
A fearless young spermatozoa Remarked to an ovum, "Helloa! We'd make a [cute | fine] foetus, But I fear she'd mistreat us - [Where I come from they say | By the smell of the place] she's a whoah!"
Pity the spermatozoa! His life leads him lower and lower. With fear in his belly, He swims through the jelly, But seldom increases the [scoah | score].
There once was an unhappy spectre, Who went by the first name of Hector. While haunting one night, He was given a fright, And caught by our spirit detector.
Said an ovum one night to a sperm, "You're a very attractive young germ. Come join me, my sweet, Let our nuclei meet, And in nine months, we'll both come to term."
Oedipus said to the Sphinx: 'My name's been perverted by shrinks. Who'd think Jocasta'd Call me a bastard? I think psychiatry stinks.'
Young Oedipus learned from the Sphinx He was under a terrible jinx; He would - no, I can't tell All the rest that befell - It's not family reading. It stinks.
A little adultery spices Our lives, but just look at those prices! If they charge all that dough, Men can't buy it, you know, And there'll be a frustrational crisis.
Daily Ditty 209 Monday, 12 January 1998
On Monday a huge horny spider Found Miss Muffet and sat down beside her With eight legs for foreplay He soon got his way - Hunting crabs from a lair up inside her.
Links:
IndexA truck-driving lesbo called Spike Hauls dildos by night down the pike, And if asked by the fuzz What it is that she does, She replies, "I'm a fake-dick van dyke."
There once was a Dutchman named Spiegle Who slept with an elegant beagle. As he crawled into bed, He wistfully said, 'It'll be much better if you wiggle.'
There was a young fellow named Spiegel, Who had an affair with a seagull. What's worse, do you see, It wasn't a she, But a he-gull, and that is illegal.
Away with this holiday spirit! Merry Christmas? I don't want to hear it! You buy gifts till your broke; What you get back's a joke. I don't so much hate it as fear it!
Links:
IndexThere once was an old pro named Spiro, Who ran out on the field like a hero. And he was a slick jack, At running a kickback, But he fumbled, and now he's a zero.
GOP VP's suck! Think of Spiro, Think of Nixon and Bush and our Hero. And I have a strong hunch Quayle's the worst of the bunch. On a scale, 1 to 10, he rates zero.
A nurse motivated by spite, Tied her infantile charge to a kite. She launched it with ease On the afternoon breeze, And watched till it flew out of sight.
When our dean took a pious young spinster On his cultural tour of York Minster, What they did in the clerestory, Is rather a queer story - But none of us hold it aginster.
There was an Old Man of Spithead, Who opened the window and said, - "Fil-jomble, fil-jumble, Fil-rumble-come-tumble!" That doubtful Old Man of Spithead.
There once was a human spittoona, Fucked a llama - also a vicuna. He then knocked on the door Of a dirty old whore, And reamed the poor bitch without scruna.
A buxom young beauty of Spitz Bared lovely, voluptuous tits, Provoking a Pole Till his spunk filled her hole, While his hands had her squirming in fits. "Listen Bud," cried the maiden from Spitz, "You'll find all gals' crotches have splits. I have the rag on today, So there'll be no bed play, And take your big mitts off my tits!"
It is said that a fellow from Spitz Was frightened half out of his wits. What caused such a fright Was the sight in the night Of a phantom with ninety-nine tits!
A saucy young lady of Spitz To some boys showed a full pair of tits. One she let fondle, To another gave suck, But the last one she couldn't stop having a fuck.
There was a young girl of Spitzbergen Where people all thought her a virgin Till they found her in bed With her quim very red And the head of a kid just emerging.
There was a young man from Split, Who was thrilled at the thought of a shit. He was simply elated, 'Till he grew constipated, But that took all the pleasure from it.
A masochistic young man of Split Ate peaches complete with the pit. 'Twas not for the stone, He claimed, but alone For the smart that remained when he shit.
A spinster physician named Spock Carves wood in the shape of a cock, Which is why it is said That at nighttime in bed, She's a hickory, dickery doc.
There once was a Vulcan named Spock, Who tried stroking his monstrous cock. With lust, went berserk, And beseeched Captain Kirk, "Bend over, this shuttle must dock!"
There once was a spaceman named Spock. Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. A girl from Missouri Whose name was Uhuru Just fainted away from the shock.
There was a young girl from Spokane, Went to bed with a one-legged man. She said, "I know you - You've really got two! Why didn't you say so when we began?"
Charles Darwin knew whereof he spoke, He wasn't just making a joke. But now apes in the tree Looking down on D.C. Protest we can't be their kinfolk.
The blonde on the barstool thus spoke: "I prefer the unusual poke. I like it, when able, Bent over a table, Or spread-eagled under an oak.
We all know that tampons are spongey, And oftentimes get rather grungey But why they have strings, Among other things, Is so that the crabs can all bungee.
There was an old sailor named Spooner Who met a young lass and harpooned her; She asked, "Inasmuch "As your weapon lacked touch, "Mind if next time I wield a small pruner?" Doctor Limerick was non plused (whatever that may mean) and stared in bewilderment. Could this have been a Spoonerick that spoiled in transit [sort of like a Star Trek transporter malfunction]? A loquacious, though salty, old sailor On meeting a lass, would impale her. "For," one said, "what it's worth, Though your harpoon lacked girth, I sure fancy the wails of a tailor"
When the judge, with his wife having sport Proved suddenly two inches short, The good woman declined, And the judge had her fined By proving contempt of his court.
In my heart there is a [soft] spot For Maggie and her naked twat. ['Cause] She is the one Who makes my spunk run. She's pretty and witty and hot.
I guess that I'm now on the spot, And it seems that you know what I've got. You've measured my feet, And they are petite. 'Little Things Still Mean A Lot.'
Eli Whitney's prognosis was spot-on: He invented the gin to tease cotton. His rivals quite blatant- ly ignored his patent, And Eli was robbed something rotten.
The Dowager Duchess of Spout Collapsed at the height of a rout; She found strength to say As they bore her away: 'I should never have taken the trout.'
There was a young lady named Spring And saving whales was her thing. But I'm not so grand, You [must] understand, 'Cuz I [only] save stamps and [old] string.
A damsel who lives at The Springs, Had a maidenhead ripped into strings, By a hidious Kurd, And now, she averred, "When the wind blows through it, it sings."
On a mattress with superspeed springs, Nan found that by using the things, With her lover astride, It was like a high ride, While the guy felt as though he had wings.
A stringy food-faddist named Sprat, Wed a maid who was billows of fat. After strenuous tries At exposing her prize, He farted so hard that he shat.
A spritely young fellow named Sprat, Wed a gal who was homely and fat. On their consumate night, He got such a fright, No one's seen Sprat since that.
There was a young fellow named Spratt, Who was terribly sassy and fat. He sat amusing himself By abusing himself, While his trained leopard licked at his pratt.
Links:
IndexThere was a young singer named Springer, Got his testicles caught in the wringer. He hollered with pain As they rolled down the drain, (falsetto):"There goes my career as a singer!"
Links:
IndexFrom Ben Johnson to Host Jerry Springer, Epicene to a Latino lip-syncher. What is the mode For breaking the code? The answer may be a humdinger.
A fairytale princess from Sprogg Had a passionate affair with a frog, But try as she might She just couldn't quite Get her jollies while perched on a log.
A young systems programmer of Sprotic, Found his software extremely erotic. In jealous distress He wiped his OS. It's possible that he's a psychotic.
An Indian squaw up at Spruce, Was unable to have a papoose. She said to her pater, When he asked, "What's the matter?" "I can't swallow the foul, slimy juice."
There was a young lady named Spruce, Whose favorite thrill was a goose. Just the sight of a thumb Made her tokus all numb, And her bowels got excited, and loose.
There was an old nympho named Spruce Who wished to get banged by a moose. Though he sweated and tried, She was unsatisfied - The shank of his crank was too loose.
alt...lim'ricks is where rhymes are spun - Some of them second to none. Is it an art, Or just a mind fart? Someday I'll rip off a good one. Yes, lim'ricks are farts of the brain. They can be complex, others plain. The brain will excrete Some words that are sweet, While others just leave a dark stain.
Spurgeon - see Spitzbergen
Links:
IndexIn a frat house, a girl who was square Downed a tumbler of Scotch on a dare. She no sooner had finished Than her hang-ups diminished, And she found herself loaded for bare!
Said Reverend Rectangular Square, "To say that I'm lost is not fair. For though you have found That I'm never a round, You knew all the time I was there."
Links:
IndexI once strained to let out a squeal, But found that the fart wasn't real. I shifted my stance And looked down in my pants To discover my previous meal.
Whether it's large or pip squeak, I offer you all this technique: Rub square on her G With a finger or three, While lickin' her love-nub oblique.
A policeman called Jonathan Squeaky Met in Soho a prostitute chickie. He thought she would run So he stuck to his gun, Which indeed was incredibly sticky.
There once was a wicked old squire, Who burned with libidinous fire. After screwing a nun, And the minister's son, He took on the girls in the choir.
There once was a girl from Sri Lanka, Who had an affair with a banker. He had the gall When he made his withdrawl, And didn't even bother to thank 'er.
A Norwegian was visiting Srinegar Having sailed to Kashmir on a spinnaker They cut off his head And to prove he was dead Sent his body to Delhi in vinegar.
There once was a girl from St. Andrews Who invited a man for a sea cruise On the firth of the Forth With Fife on their North She showed him her feminine virtues.
St. Bees - see Dumfries
Links:
IndexThere was an old man of St. Bees Who was horribly stung by a wasp. When they said 'Does it hurt?' He replied 'No it doesn't - It's a good job it wasn't a hornet!'
Links:
IndexA little old man from St. Chester Decided to tackle his sister. But all that he packed Was a wrinkled old sack, And all that she had was a blister.
St. Clair - see Eau Claire
Links:
IndexSt. Clair - see Kildare and others
Links:
IndexSt. Claire - see Kildare and others
Links:
IndexA drunken old tar from St. Clements, To ward off the scurvy, sucked lemons. "With my health unimpaired, I have time," he declared, "To die of delirium tremens."
There was a young girl from St. Cyr Whose reflex [re]actions were queer. Her escort said, 'Mabel Get up off the table; That money['s to pay | is there] for the beer.'
A man in fair St. Domingo, Being blase and worn, said, 'By Jingo, Blast all women and boys, I'll try some new joys.' So he went out and fucked a Flamingo.
A man of St Edmund's House Was sadly deficient in nous. When received by the Pope, He expressed the warm hope That all was quite well with his spouse.
A boy at Sault Ste. Marie Said, 'Spelling is all Greek to me, Till they learn to spell "Soo" Without any "u," Or an "a" or an "l" or a "t"!'
I won't say the girls at St. Francis, Intend to encourage lewd glances, But can one believe They are merely naive, When they come in the nude to school dances?
St. Gail - see Crail
Links:
IndexSt. Gaul - see Hall
Links:
IndexFrom the crypt of the church of St. Giles Came screams that were heard round for miles. "Oh bloody good gracious" Cried Father Ignatius, "I forgot that his lordship had piles."
Links:
IndexThere was a fat priest from St. Giles, Who was much too wide for the aisles. Passing to and from Mass, The pews pinched his ass, And gave him a bad case of piles.
A stingy old man of St. Giles, Saved his shillings with miserly wiles. Just to save a few bob, He would wipe with a cob, And that way he got piles and piles.
There was a young man of St. Giles, Who walked thousands and thousands of miles, From the Cape of Good Hope, Just to bugger the Pope, But he couldn't - the Pontiff had piles.
Links:
IndexThere was a young man from St. Helens Afflicted with shrinkin's and swellin's. His dick was so small, (Hardly there at all) But his balls looked like honeydew melons.
An artist who lived in St. Ives Collected quaint African knives; But his children all thought They were bought for their sport - Out of eight only one now survives.
There was a young man of St. James Who indulged in the jolliest games: He lighted the rim Of his grandmother's quim, And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
In the north woods, a girl from St. Jacques, Was willing to give it a crack. But her boyfriend, young Fred, Kept pushing ahead, And circling to sneak up in back.
A young English woman named St. John Met a red-skinned American In. John, Who made her his bride, And gave her beside A dress with a gaudy bead Fr. John.
St. John's - John's
Links:
IndexSt. Jude - see Bude
Links:
IndexA horny young man from St. Jude Carried both of his balls in a snood. They were so big and round, That they dragged on the ground; He was scared to go out in the nude.
But the prior of Dunstan St. Just Consumed with erotical lust, Raped the bishop's prize fowls (His treasured young owls) And a little green lizard, what bust.
Links:
IndexThere was a young man of St. Just Who ate of new bread till he bust. It was not the crumb, For it passed through his bum, But what buggered him up was the crust.
There was a young girl from St. Justin Bought a [new] bra to uplift her bust in. But her breasts sagged all day And she, sad to say, Lost her trust in the cups they were trussed in.
There was a young man of St. Kitt, Who was screwing a spinster, but quit. Said she, "Don't be scary It's only my cherry," But he said, "It feels more like a pit."
There was a young man of St. Kitts Who was very much troubled with fits; The eclipse of the moon Threw him into a swoon; When he tumbled and broke into bits.
A cannibal chief from St. Kitts, Liked barbequed clerics with grits. When he'd come to a ball, He'd down scrotum and all, But with arms, he would spit out the pits.
There was a young man from St. Kitts, With an itch that was giving him fits. It seems that a peach He picked up on the beach Had left his bed full of strange nits.
Girls on the nude beach on St. Kitts Drink beer while they show off their tits. The men who come there Are quite rude as they stare And try to kick sand in their Schlitz.®
There was a young man of St. Kitts, Who was very much bothered with fits. After chewing a gal's cunt, He'd give a loud grunt And try to bite off her two teats.
There was an old man from St. Kitts, Who was troubled with galloping shits. One morning at last, He let loose a blast That tore his old asshole to bits.
In the turbulent turgid St. Lawrence Fell a luscious young damsel named Florence, Where poor famished fish Made this beautiful dish An object of utter abhorrence.
There was a young man from St. Loo, Who gave his sister a screw. He said, with aplomb, "You're better than Mom." She replied," That's what Dad [said | told me] too!"
Links:
IndexA young Juliet of St. Louis On a balcony stood, acting screwy. Her Romeo climbed But he wasn't well timed, And when halfway up, off he went - blooey!
Links:
IndexThere was a young man from St Lutz, Who had a remarkable putz. It would sniff, it would hunt, For it only liked cunt. Absolutely no lips, hand or butts.
They've arrested a monk at St. Mallory's For molesting the nuns in the galleries. "Just doing God's labor By loving my neighbor - Nunnilingus is only twelve calories."
There was a young man from St. Paul Whose cock was exceedingly small. Now it might do for a keyhole[s] Or [a] little girl's peehole[s] But for a big girl like me - [mmmm] - not at all!
There was a young girl of St. Paul Wore a newspaper dress to a ball; But her dress caught on fire And burned her entire Front page, sporting section and all.
An attached Siamese twin from St. Paul, Was banging his sister last fall. "Now that we've grown up", He said [with] his bone up, "It's not a bad life after all."
There was a young man from St. Paul, Who really had no scruples at all. He would fart when he'd talk, And shit when he'd walk, And at night, throw it over the wall.
There once was a whore from St. Paul Who took anyone, wide, short, or tall. She said to her clients, "It's not really science - It's just that one size will fit all."
Dr. John Donne, a Dean to St. Paul Grew old, and his prick rather small. Though he buggered a bug At the edge of a rug, The insect scarce felt it at all.
There once was a man from St. Paul, Who moaned about being so tall. At night in his bed, Was his body and head. His feet had to sleep in the hall.
A certain young man of St. Paul, Consistently practiced withdrawal. This quaint predilection Created such friction, He soon had no foreskin at all.
There was a young man from St. Paul Who went to a fancy dress ball. He went off in his pants In the midst of a dance, And had to go home in a shawl.
St. Paul - see Hall
Links:
IndexThere once was a man from St. Paul, Who was born with only one ball! To make up for this lack Tied a marble to his sack. Piece of ass! Cracked glass! Overhaul!
An oversexed man from St. Paul Had a cock as long as he was tall. When he had a wet dream, He awoke with a scream, As he pole-vaulted into the hall.
St. Paul - see Bombay
Links:
IndexSaid the venerable Dean of St. Paul[']s, 'Concerning them cracks in the walls - Do you think it would do If we filled them with glue?' The Bishop of Lincoln said, 'Balls!'
Charlie Walker went to the house of St. Pauls. There he saw a woman with great big balls. He gave her a shilling but she was not willing. He gave her a pound and she lay on the ground. He gave her a slap and she opened her gap. In went Charlie's Union Jack Three months later all was well. Six months later, she began to swell. Nine months later, Charlie got a shock; The boy was born without a cock. Ladies and Gentlemen that's not all; The boy had only one ball.
There was a young man from St. Paul's Who read [Harper's Bazaar | Mademoiselle] and McCall's; Till he grew such a passion For feminine fashion That he knitted a snood for his balls.
There's a fortunate priest of St. Paul's, Has demountable penis and balls; These, for urgent appeals And the nuns' meals-on-wheels, He can send out on house-to-house calls.
There was a young man of St. Paul's, Possessed the most useless of balls. Till at last, at the Strand, He managed a stand, And tossed himself off in the stalls.
There once was a man from St. Paul's Who used to perform in the halls His favourite trick Was to stand on his Prick And roll off the stage on his balls.
Links:
IndexThere was a young man of St. Paul's, Who dreamt of Niagara Falls. When he woke the next day, It was "Anchors Aweigh" For his penis, his ass, and his balls.
Have you heard of the Dean at St. Paul's Who has no hair on his balls? When asked why this is, He whispers, in bliss: "The rector, my God, how he mauls!"
There's a great woman lived in St. Pete, Whose breasts were full and replete, They were big and round And she finally found For pillows, they couldn't be beat.
Daily Ditty 137 Saturday, 1 November 1997
Metric Conversion
There was a young man from St. Peters Whose dong measured fully two meters Just one thing was wrong, This magnificent prong Played only a few local theaters. There was a young man from Hong Kong Whose pecker was seven feet long By careful recursion He'd engage in perversion With a gay, two girls, and a gong. There was a young man from Gomorrah Whose cock was two cubits or morrah Though not welcome in Sodom What really got him Was rejection by every last whorah.
Links:
IndexA hermit who live on St. Roque Had a lily[dork] perfected to poke. He diddled the donkeys And meddled with monkeys, And would have done worse, but it broke.
There once was a witch from St. Rose, Who hated the wart on her nose. "I think you will find, That true love is blind." Said her date, a gnome with three toes.
There was an old broom of St. Stephen's That set all at sixes and sevens; And to sweep from the room The convictions of Brougham, Was the work of this Broom of St. Stephen's
Three lovely young girls from St. Thomas Attended dance-halls in pajamas. They were fondled all summer By sax, bass, and drummer - I'm surprised that by now they're not mamas.
This popular whore from St. Thomas, Suffered from all kinds of traumas. "Stop fuckin'," her doc said, "Or you'll wind-up quite dead." So she died, but still showed some promise!
In her bed, a girl from St. Thomas, Once found a strange pair of pajamas. Said the girl, "Well well well! Whose they are I can't tell - Something tells me these garments St. Mhomas."
St. Trap - see Dundee
Links:
IndexA young lady, uncommonly stacked, On the street from the rear was attacked. When the foul deed was done, She said, "Frankly, it's fun, And provided a background I lacked."
There was a young fellow whose staff, Was, in inches, some twelve and a half. It was used as a cue, As a baseball bat, too, (Which always produced a good laugh).
There's a tavern in London that's staffed By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: In her striving to please, She serves ale on her knees, So that patrons get head with their draft.
My piano has now reached the stage Where to play it sends me in a rage. It's so out of tune [That] Poor Mozart would swoon, But it's perfect for playing John Cage.
staid - see too
Links:
IndexSUFFICIENTLY
Their performance was fun, ours was staid. They did - and we didn't - get paid. We thought it sufficient To be HIP-ly proficient. The other guys just got drunk and played.
Sweet nymphomanic Miss Stainer Finds most male sex organs now pain her. "I guess that I've blundered, She said, "Seven hundred Are too much for one little container."
I once knew a spinster of Staines, And a spinster that lady remains; She's no figure, no looks, Neither dances nor cooks - And, most ghastly of all, she has brains.
There was an old housewife of Staines, Who complained to a man of the drains. The council man spat: 'I've removed the dead cat. Now it's only the smell that remains.'
A scientist living at Staines Is searching with infinite pains For a new type of sound Which he hopes, when it's found, Will travel much faster than planes
For old grandpa life had grown stale, Till he went to a neighborhood sale, His choice was a flute 'er, A laptop computer, His page tells the rest of this tale.
A guy with a build that was stallionate, Found it harder than Hades to copulate. When sexually charged, His appendage enlarged To the girth of the girl he took out to date.
A worried young man from Stamboul, Discovered red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, 'Get out of my clinic! Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool.'
Links:
IndexOn the cruise ship in port at Stamboul, Said the nymph on the purser's big tool: "What magnificent fucking, And reaming and sucking - It's the best that I've had since high school!"
There was a young man from Stamboul, Who boasted so torrid a tool, That each female crater Explored by this satyr, Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
A muscular Turk of Stamboul, Tried to screw a recalcitrant mule. He climbed on a haystack, Overlooking a racetrack, And dived in all covered with drool.
There was an old man of Stamboul With a varicose vein in his tool. In attempting to come Up a little boy's bum, It burst, and did he look a fool.
Links:
IndexThere was an old Bey of Stamboul Who soliloquised thus to his tool: "Last week, bear in mind, You'd a jolly good grind, And now you won't piss, bloody fool."
There was an old rake from Stamboul, Felt his ardor grow suddenly cool. No lack of affection Reduced his erection-- But his zipper got caught on his tool.
There was a young woman whose stammer Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; But they were not improved When her husband was moved To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
stammer - see stutter
Links:
IndexThere was a young fellow called Stan, A ready-to-play kind of man. The front door or back He can even smack! Whatever you want, that's his plan.
I heard of this chicken called Stan He lays eggs even though he's a man One day he laid six They were shaped like Weet-Bix And on each one was Made in Japan!
A strange-looking fellow named Stan Met a woman as big as a van. He wed her on Monday But not until Sunday Found where her pudenda began.
Stan - see surgeon
Links:
IndexThere once was a man named Stan, Who drove a delivery van. He picked up a chick Who then sucked his dick, And he said that "I'll come when I can."
stance - see it
Links:
IndexNothing prompts a man's member to stand Like the feminine mammary gland. Those unadorned dugs Drive us titmen all bugs, And we grab with a big hairy hand.
Ei trivelig kone fra Stange går stadig med strikking i fanget, og da hun i fjor blei trillinge-mor, da blei det en rett og to vrange.
As a beauty I'm not a great star, There are others more handsome by far, But my face, I don't mind it, Because I'm behind it - 'Tis the folks in the front that I jar.
Links:
IndexThere once was a Hollywood star, Who breasts were the largest by far. No use copping a feel, For her bra is chrome-steel, A habit men think quite bizarre.
star - see Cobain
Links:
IndexThere once was a pool playing star Whose winnings were [in a bag | stowed] in his car. He was running a rack When a thief stole his sack And spent every last cent in a bar!
Quite rightly, I do want to star; As is, I might fill up your jar. With so little space For skill, in this case Viagra might swell it too far.
Said a girl from Staraya Russa, Whom the war had made looser and looser, "Yes, I'm wormin' a German, A vermin named Herman, But his dink is a lollapalooza!"
Young lady, please pardon my stare; Your pussy is sweet and so fair! Your ass is great too, And if we should screw, You also sport a great pair!
She is so well-endowed most men stare. Jealous women ignore her, or glare. But she'd hired - the boss feels, And close contact reveals, He's impressed by this stunning au pair.
stare - see us
Links:
IndexThe Mendelian Theory
There was a young woman called Starkey[Sharkey] Who ran off and married a darky. She paid for her sins With three pairs of twins - One black and one white and one khaki.
"I'll admit", said a lady named Starr, "That a phallus is like a cigar. But to most common people A phallic church steeple Is stretching the matter too far."
Starr - see stress
Links:
IndexAn impotent fumbler named Starrett Lured a kitchenmaid up to the garret. Intent upon sexing, He found it damned vexing To hear "Foul ball" shreiked by the parrot.
One night, as I gazed at the stars, I spotted the Red Planet, Mars, And thought of the rover Sent to look it over For water, air, hotels, and bars!
start - see resolve
Links:
IndexI have calves brains on toast for a starter. Now to fits I've become quite a martyr. When I sit down to play My hands run away With the Jakobfeldt-Kreuzer Sonata.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter, And fizzle a fine serenata. He could play on his anus [The | Ludwig's] Coriolanus: Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, hum tah-dah!
Links:
Indexstarters - see bored
Links:
IndexTo a band that was barely starting, Bill Spence said, "I must beg your pardon. Though the reel that you play Was once the Gaspé' It is now called 'Victory Garden'."
In the center of old New York State, There's a dulcimer gathering of late. The people do come To pick, hammer, and drum, And the music they make is first rate.
Miss Smith," said the dean, "I must state, As a scholar, you don't pull much weight. Your math is terrible, Your physics unbearable, Though I'd say your physique is [first rate | just great]."
There was a man from New York State, The more he drank, the more he ate. The more he ate, The more he shit. Vicious cycle, isn't it.
The thing about men from Wayne State, (And this incidently I hate) They dress for distress, And I must confess, They take mommy on every date!
There once was a coed from State Who had the desire to mate. When her skirt would flutter, The boys they would shudder; She had, not a box, but a crate.
A young girl from Florida State Performed oral sex on her date. She said with regret, "My stomach's upset. It must have been something I ate!"
Links:
IndexDaily Ditty 158 Saturday, 22 November 1997
I traveled today through the State Which spawned Clinton and also her mate Was this grisley suggestion What caused indigestion, Or the Arkansas food that I ate?
Links:
IndexStates - see Bates
Links:
IndexA problem that's very worth stating, Researching, exploring, debating, Is if we can tell, From out friends with one cell, Whether splitting's as much fun as mating.
There was a young man of high station Who was found by a pious relation Making love in a ditch To - I won't say a bitch - But a [lady | woman] of no [reputation | education].
A worried C programmer at Dounreay power station Pondered the fo;;owing question 'What is the kell in this language Haskell And how does it cure my computer's indigestion?'
There was a young lady of station 'I love man' was her exclamation. But when men cried: 'You flatter!' She replied: 'Oh, no matter!' 'Isle of Man' is the explanation
There was a young girl of high station, Who ruined her fine reputation, When she said she'd the pox, From sucking on cocks - She should really have called it "fellation."
There was an Old Man at a Station, Who made a promiscuous oration; But they said, 'Take some snuff! You have talk'd quite enough, You afflicting Old Man at a Station!'
There was a young man of high station, Attached to the Chinese Legation. He liked to be fucked, And adored being sucked, But he revelled in pure masturbation.
A sweet Georgia peach of high station Became overnight a sensation, When she took on Fort Benning And charged not a pfenning, Saying, "Who could do less for her nation?"
station - see cells
Links:
IndexA girl who worked British rail stations In search of some willing male patrons Said "I just ignore When they call me a whore." I say I'm in public relations!
Call the study of figures statistics And the study of language linguistics; But it's clear that one errs When one loosly avers That the study of balling's ballistics.
An innocent soldier named Stave, Was almost seduced by a Wave. But he's still a recluse With all of his juice, For he didn't know how to behave.
Man on top of woman, hasn't long to stay, His head is full of nonsense, His ass is full of play. He goes in like a lion, he comes out like a lamb, And when he buttons up his pants, he isn't worth a damn.
Said a hot-holed young siren in Stead: "For weeks Peter's pecker's been dead. If I don't get laid soon By that impotent goon, I'll be found in some other guy's bed."
When the Reverend Frogdiddle Stead First saw his new bride bare in bed, He knelt at his prayers, But his nose bumped some hairs, So he hopped on and fucked her instead.
For a phallus, Miss Winifred Stead, Used a bar from the foot of the bed. But lacking the touch Of blacksmiths and such, Kept her ever from forging ahead.
Why don't we pronounce steak like steek Like weak, for example, or beak But no! we say stake As in bake me a cake So let's throw this whole mess in the creak.
steep - see Limerick
Links:
IndexAn experienced lecher, Stefan, Keeps a woman upon a divan. Two more on a chair, All three of them bare, And keeps proving to them he's a man.
There's a wonderful family named Stein, There's Ep, there's Gert, and there's Ein. Ep's statues are junk, Gert's poems are bunk, And nobody understands Ein.
Links:
IndexA waitress who works at the Stein, Will sing if you buy her some wine. Any number she'll do, That you ask her to, But her favorite is still sixty-nine.
There was a young lady named Stein, With rondures so nearly divine, And so few inhibitions To set harsh conditions, That she spent half her life on her spine. The rest of her time, let me add, Was not spent in cleaning her pad, But prone, or asprawl, Or astraddle, but all, (Nearly all), of it scantily clad. Which saved her a deal of expense. Thus, by practicing good common sense, She made both ends meet Through the rent of her suite, And her lingerie bills were immense.
The vending machine made by Steiner Made profits from New York to China. A dime got you cokes, And a quarter bought smokes; For a buck you could eat a vagina.
Freud's opinion, said old Dr. Stekel, Isn't worth a Confederate shekel. Withdrawal is fun - But beware lest the sun Should cause the withdrawn parts to freckle.
There was a young lady named Stella, Fell in love with a bow-legged fella. The venturesome chap, Let her sit in his lap, And she fell clean through to the cella.
Said Joe, "When I leave my young Stephanie, Her cries of unhappiness deafen me. But I make no apology, I rely on technology, And screw her by wireless telephony."
There once was a lounger named Stephen Whose youth was most odd and uneven. He throve on the smell Of a horrible hell That a Hottentot wouldn't believe in.
A husband who craved to be sterile, Because of the pregnancy peril, Said, "I've thought of vasectomy, But my wife might then hector me, And threaten divorce when we quarrel."
sterile - see lot
Links:
IndexToo bad for my poor brother Steve; His tough news is hard to believe. His motto to beat Was once: "All you can eat" Alas, now it's all you can heave!
Sir, the chef's in a bit of a stew. When the waitress at post number 2, Comes into the kitchen, He's so busy hitchin' His pants, that he burns the ragout.
stew - see kidney
Links:
IndexA proper young miss who got stewed, Awoke rather shockingly nude, In a room with six gents, And a terrified sense That she had been, and was being, screwed.
Pray search this wide land with a glimmer stick For there must be some lad at his primer quick, Who when pressed can supply A lot better than I An acceptable rhyme scheme for 'limerick'.
A frustrated girl from the sticks Once planted an acre of pricks. They came up in the fall Up to ten inches tall, And she'd milk them each morning as six.
Links:
IndexDaily Ditty 6, Monday, 16 June 1997
A salesman broke down in the sticks. Said the Farmer, "I ain't got no chicks, But my son, who is gay - " Said the salesman, "I pray AAA can deliver a fix!"
Links:
IndexAt last, when his moaning was stifled, He groaned, "I would never have trifled With Hortense, the whore, And gotten so sore, If I'd known her vagina was rifled.
stigma - see Kew
Links:
Indexstinky - see explicit
Links:
IndexThere was a young girl from Stillorgan Who had a Welsh music master named Morgan. He taught her the lute, And she played on his flute - But what she liked most was his organ.
On Peter Paul Rubens The Rape of the Sabines
Of attractions the Sabines ain't stinted; And I tell you my eyes fairly glinted; At the toes and the knees, The those and the these - But hist! or I'll never be printed.
To his club-footed child said Lord Stipple, As he poured his post-prandial tipple: 'Your mother's behaviour Gave pain to Our Saviour And that's why he made you a cripple.'
A very gay lady of Stockholm, In dressing her hair, broke her long comb: It did not much vex her, Or tease or perplex her: She was a patient good lady of Stockholm.
On Elegy in a Country Churchyard by Thomas Gray
When I sit in the Churchyard at Stoke, I reflect - Class is merely a joke. Elsewhere I can pass As good upper class, But here I'm just one of the folk.
The wife of a farmer in Stoke, Always one for a dubious joke, Caught her sow in the act, And reported the fact To her spouse as "a pig in a poke."
A Limeraiku
An old soak from Stoke Likes tarts to ignite farts. You should see the smoke.
Links:
IndexI'll smash all the windows in Stoke - I'll not rest until every one's broke. I'll phone 999, I'll stay on the line, I'll blame it on some other bloke.
There was a young shop clerk of Stoke Who said to her boss, "It's no joke. This working in China Has moved my vagina - I have to lie crossways to poke."
Links:
IndexStone - see Sloan
Links:
IndexOld Moses brought laws cut in stone And thought that his flock would atone. But they rejected his gaff, And they made a gold calf. And put the thing up on a throne. Now this pissed him right to the bone, And he busted those tablets of stone! Then went back to the mountain And for forty days count'n, Tried getting some more on a loan. Then Jehova did draw down the screw This time let him only have two. "Of Commandments, here's Ten, And you had better win! Or I'll wipe out that whole Jewish crew." So Old Moses came down in a snit. Said, "I've had enough of your shit! You will obey what is written Or you will be smitten, And cast into a bottomless pit!" And then he climbed up on a knoll, And started these laws to extol. "Now, no image you'll make!" Then he cast a bronze snake And put it high up on a pole. But this seemed to make the Jews madder. He explained, "If you are bit by an Adder, Just gaze at my snake. You'll be cured by day break. If you can't see it, climb up this ladder." Well this Commandment crap got bounced around, And through the long ages 'twas found That all these great rules Were for other Damned fools, To keep them from taking your ground!
Links:
IndexThere was a young lady named Stone Whom the boys let severely alone, Because she had thighs Of preposterous size, And an arse such as elephants own.
Said a haughty old lecher named Stone, Who had but five inches of bone, "I feel no deep urgin' To consult a surgeon, A mighty poor thing, but mine own!"
stone - see Chaldees
Links:
Index'Active balls?' said an old man of Stoneham: 'I regret that I no longer own 'em. But I hasten to say They were good in their day - De mortuis nil nisi bonum.'
Here lies an old stinker from Stoneham. I can't say I'm glad to have known 'im. He was filthy, a cheat, A rat-fink, a dead-beat, But 'de mortuis nil nisi bonum.'
stones - see sex
Links:
IndexA man climbed a tall milking stool, To ram his long horn in a mule. But just as he started, The animal farted And blew all the gas up his tool.
Junior's sex in my auto must stop. Or my son must locate a new prop. It is a convertible, And what's disconcertible Are the high-heel holes thrust through the top.
Ticketing the Arkansas Traveller
The man who resides where the buck stops, Was arrested, and told by the fed cops, "These little white slips Are for too many flips, Alternating with too many flops."
store - see Skye
Links:
Indexstorm - see Louise
Links:
IndexWhen a horny conductor named Storrs Had removed the girl oboist's drawers, He exclaimed, climbing on, "I've a private baton That I use for nonmusical scores!"
When a horny conductor name Storz, Had removed a girl oboist's drawers, He exclaimed, climbing on, "I've a private baton That I use for nonmusical scores!"
An old gourmet who's grown somewhat stout Felt a twinge and much feared it was gout. 'If I drink now,' he thought, 'Three whole bottles of port, It surely will settle the doubt.'
I know a young fellow named Stout Whose life is a quagmire of doubt; He admits that he sinned When he had to break wind - But he won't throw his windbreaker out!
The bribe that young streetwalker Stover Employs as a sexual rover Is to hand-job police. As she gives one release, She will giggle, "My cop runneth over!"
On the G-string of my Stradivarius, I'm often inspired to play various Airs and concerti With themes that are dirty, Disgusting and downright nefarious.
straits - see Bates
Links:
Index"We felt," said the Lady of Strand, "That the park on the beach is just grand. There are plenty of benches For young lads and their wenches, And their fannies are out of the sand."
Daily Ditty 16, Thursday, 26 June 1997
I met her one night on the strand Where she'd frolicked all day in the sand This caused some abrasion To mar the occasion; 'Cept for that, the encounter was grand.
Links:
IndexA streetwalker, working the Strand, Propositioned that tightwad, Durand. He said, "At that price, My reply is: No Dice! My sex needs I have well in hand."
Said a girl as she walked down the Strand, To her friend who was too plainly manned: "Dear, it's catching the eye Of each girl we pass by. Can't you cover it up with your hand?"
The formula's secret and strange; It's cooked on a old-fashioned range, And makes use of juices That come from abuses, Plus hair from a dog with the mange.
A young man from Stratford on Avon, Wanted his bollocks clean shaven. No barbers would do What he wanted them to, For they all thought that he was depraven.
Said the famous composer, R. Strauss When asked why he buggered a mouse: 'Though its cunt is quite tiny On occasion its heiny Will stretch quite as big as a house.
Some charming selections from Strauss, A pianist played at our house, Though we shouted "Encore!" And clamored for more, The neighbors did nothing but grouse.
A tidy young lady of Streator, Dearly loved to nibble on peter. She always would say, "I prefer it this way. I think it is very much neater."
The asses you pass on the street Often heat up your genital meat. Though you know you can't screw 'em, It's a great joy to view 'em; For us ass-men, it's life's greatest treat.
Four fairies once met in the street, And arranged an exceptional treat: Soixante-neuf was impractical, So the only thing tactical Was something like cent-trente-huit.
There once was a lad from Haight Street Whose spunk was all foamy and sweet. He said "my name's Aitch, Care to taste my creme fraiche?" And the hippie chicks knelt down to eat.
There was a young fellow of Strensall, Whose [prick | tool] was as sharp as a pencil. On the night of his wedding, It went through the bedding, And shattered the chamber utensil. So here was this fellow from Strensall, Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, Anemic, 'tis true, But an interesting screw, Inasmuch as the tip is prehensile.
The White House is under great stress From the salacious Monica mess. Bill would put out the fire - Easy, call her a liar - Except for the stain on her dress... Mean-spirited old Kenneth Starr Now gleefully lights his cigar - He's positively gloating From all the Deep Throating - But I think he's gone much too far...
They had come in the fugue to the stretto, When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto, Slipped forward and grabbed Her tresses and stabbed Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
A bather whose clothing was strewed By the winds, that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along, And, unless I am wrong, You expected this line to be [rude | lewd].
Said a writer of porn who'd been stricken By a lovely who made his pulse quicken: "Just the thought of your twat Has suggested a plot - And, my dear, it's beginning to thicken!"
In former days of passion and strife It was, use your fist or your knife. [Well,] Now it is fun To use [a | your own] gun [And] to snuff out the other guy's life.
When you date in the nineties, there's strife. You just don't know how fate rules your life. You could end up like me, In a quandry, you see, With my first girlfriend's husband's ex-wife!
Lorena, We Need You
Our nation, in midst of great strife, With babies unwanted is rife. ADC, bless their soul, Is now out of control - Lorena, start wielding your knife.
Links:
IndexThe tile in my bathroom is striking But it's not to my beloved's liking. Rhonda rants, "Rose, not red! What's wrong with your head? Wear your helmet when you go out biking!"
The tile in my bathroom is striking, The girl in the shower's a dykeling. She's a sweet fine young thing, And she makes my heart sing, And performs very much to my liking.
Strine - see Australian
Links:
IndexThere once was a stripper who stripped Until she was barely equipped. She said with chagrin, As she fingered her skin, "Good Heaven's! This part of it's ripped!"
There once was a remarkable stripper, Who'd undress to the very last zipper, Before one, before all, But one day in the fall, She refused and said, "Not on Yom Kippur."
Links:
IndexThere once was a daring young stripper, And a young man decided to flip her. He thought he would kiss her Right smack on the pisser, But his necktie got caught in her zipper!
With his beans, Chef Richard did strive To meet the Clean Air Standards of '95. But his hot-start emmission Revealed a condition Of flatulence in overdrive.
For years all the young men had striven, To seduce a young lady called Riven. Once a plumber called Bert Got his hand up her skirt, And his plumbing has never forgiven.
There once was a taciturn stroke, And rarely it was that he spoke, But he called to the cox, "You must care for your jocks If you value the power to poke."
stroking - see Ryde
Links:
IndexThe lion is wonderliche strong, and ful of wiles and wo; and whether he pleye other take his preye He can not do but slo.
Though South Sea Islands lures are strong Bikini, Bali, the sarong - A New Yorker, I! Though others "stupid" cry, My Island Paradise is Long.
A lady of appetites strong Believed formal methods were wrong, Till specified actions Released chain reactions Concurrent, ecstatic, and long.
Links:
Index"Goddammit!" cried a harlot named Strong, "I regret now I ever went wrong. It ain't the staight tail, It's the slashing toenail That knocks a girl out before long!"
Giraffes, yes, even the strongest, Hang back in love's headlong conquest; They have a motter Which says that they gotter: 'He who giraffes last, giraffes longest.'
There was an Old Person of Stroud, Who was horribly jammed in a crowd; Some she slew with a kick, some she scrunched with a stick, That impulsive Old Person of Stroud.
There was a young fellow from Stroud, Who was feeling his girl in a crowd. A fellow up front Said, "Hmmmm...Smell a cunt." Just like that, very soft, not too loud.
Links:
IndexWhen the Bermondsey bricklayers struck, Bill Bloggins was 'aving a fuck. By un-i-on rules He 'ad to down tools - Now wasn't that bloody 'ard luck!
Pretty ladies in Utah, high strung, Would like to find husbands well-hung. But Brigham decreed He'd take care of this need, And the pretty girls all marry Young.
Our German prof, Doktor von Struss, Is not one to play fast and loose, But at faculty do's, Having sampled the booze, He's been known to try a sly goose.
A young schizophrenic named Struther, When told of the death of his brother, Said: 'Yes, it's too bad, But I can't feel too sad - After all, I still have each other.'
There once was this [girl | lady] named Stubb, Who fingered herself [off] in the tub. One day she climaxed, Become so relaxed The last thing she stuttered was, "Glub[-glub]"!
Steubén - see Spain
Links:
IndexThere was a young devil named Stu, Who ruined a maiden or two. That is, if good screwin' Can cause a girl's ruin. Even so, give the devil his due.
An adverturous hippo named Stu, Once escaped from his cage at the zoo. When he was asked why, He replied with a sigh, "I was making my way to the loo."
Said a limerick writer, "I'm stuck For a rhyme for a stud known as Chuck. Our staid population Proscribes copulation, And won't let me use the word 'fuck'."
INCIPIT LAMINATIO
Jeremiah the Prophet gets stuck As he laminates parchments with muck. With his beard full of glue, He feels terribly blue -- Quite depressed all the time, the poor schmuck.
If you think that our boy's now a stud You've been fooled by the size of his pud. Twelve inches when soft When it rises aloft He faints from the sheer lack of blood.
To his squaw said the Iroquois stud: "It's full moon, and your cunt's running blood. For a nighttime of joys, I've picked two fat white boys, With assholes like roses in bud."
stud - see brunette
Links:
IndexThere was a young medical stu-dent Whose stethoscope was badly bent She listened with her ear To her patient's rear That wasn't at all what she meant!!!
Jan MacDuff, a young man with great stuff, Met a lovely Shakespearean buff. In a year they were wed And the poor lad was dead. For she always cried, "Lay on, MacDuff."
Andrea's got all the stuff, So, candidly, I called her bluff. But me she weren't bluffing, And soon I was stuffing And huffing and buffing her muff.
Old Louis Quatorze was hot stuff. He tired of that game, blindman's buff, Upended his mistress, Kissed her while she kissed his, And thus taught the world soixante-neuf.
Sharon Stone is so icily stunning, Not to mention deceptive and cunning, A woman like she Could make any man flee, But he sure would look back while he's running.
Two lovers went out for a stunt On the Thames in a flat-bottomed punt. She said, "Nobody's near; With my free-traders here, All's clear, dear, from back or from front."
A lazy old rat, for a stunt, Built a nest in a prostitute's cunt. The cat, with much laughter, Came tumbling in after, And got himself lost in the hunt.
In case you like sexual stunts, Don't take on five cunts all at once. All wise men eschew Overdoing a screw; It can shrink mighty peckers to runts.
I admit, that sometimes, in a stupor, Even I, God forbid, make a blooper That escapes does the most Morons that in here post But not you, my most honourable "trooper".
Links:
IndexSturgeon - see Spitzbergen
Links:
IndexThere was a young fellow named Sturgis, Who needed a lass for his urges. But how could he buy, With the price bid sky-high, By the men of the various clergies.
A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, Who was lonely and wanted a futter. She had nowhere to turn, So she [straddled | diddled] the churn, And managed to come with the butter.
Said a doleful young man with a stutter, "My wife don't allow me to butt her. It's-ts-ts-ts-'tall right, B-b-but, but some [dark] night, I'll t-tie down the bitch and then g-gut her. A less violent chap with a stammer Said, "M-mine too, she won't lit me ram her. What's s-soured me on life Is not f-fucking my wife, D-d-d-d-d-d-damn her!
A Women's Lib leader named Stutz, Is known to have plenty of guts. When asked what she'd need To be totally freed, She snarled at her questioner, "Nuts!"
EEN FISSELAER (BACKHANDED)
A Dutch burgher, Cornelius van Stuyssel, Sold his flute once he'd learned how to whistle. He'd make higher notes speak Through his well-puckered beak By a jab to the ass with a thistle.
What Asimov lacks of pure style, He makes up for, well once in a while, By the way he can bluster From the depths of lackluster To the almost transcendently vile.
Links:
Indexstyle - see disappointed
Links:
IndexIt went off in capital style, And he farted it through with a smile; Then, feeling quite jolly, He tried the finale Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
Links:
Indexstyle - see sympathetic
Links:
IndexThis fellow named Stan had a style Of making gals beg for a while. "Please touch me right here. I won't break. Have no fear," They'd plead for more with a smile.
There's not much to be said for the style, Of the various lairds of Argyll. They just flip up the kilt, And plunge to the hilt In the lasses they choose to defile.
Betty Sue's masturbational style Is distinguished by Frenchified guile: She uses a wiener - It's safer and cleaner - She's become a confirmed Frankophile!
style - see sympathetic
Links:
IndexOn his pillar sat Simon Stylites, As his balls turned to iron pyrites, And the sun's intense heat, Slowly blackened his meat. He should not have worn French lace nighties.
Joe inspects girls with conscienceless suavity, In search of their luscious concavity, At which he will leap Like a wolf on a sheep, With utterly hardened depravity.
If prayer is so sweet and sublime And assists in our heavenly climb, Why propose to prepare For a moment of prayer? We should simply pray all of the time.
Dr. Spooner said, "Screwing's sublime When a man takes the trouble to prime. Extended-type foreplay Prolonged until scoreplay Is a practice whose come, sir, has time!
A whore had the notion sublime, To take on seven men at one time; One on top, one beneath, In each hand, in the teeth, And two with her toes, for a dime.
The limerick has five lines sublime, The first, fifth, and second ones rhyme, It also is true, The other two do, So write one if you have the time. The limerick should always be terse, It hasn't the time to coerce, Then is the last line, Reveal your design, To make the best use of one verse.
sublime - see gray
Links:
IndexA message from space most sublime
A message from space most sublime Arrived in G-Sharp, four-four time: "We've heard your transmission; To pass our audition, Start sending us Mozart, not Prime!"
Daily Ditty 21, Tuesday, 1 July 1997
To temptation I'm quick to submit I regret many sins, I admit Yet this is no boast: I regret the most Those sins that I failed to commit!
Links:
Indexsubscribe - see mire
Links:
IndexA Novelist, flushed with success, Said: 'The World's in a horrible mess. With its quarrels it needs The new morals and creeds I shall shortly be sending to press.'
'On the beach', said John sadly, 'There's such A thing as revealing too much.' So he closed both his eyes At the ranks of bare thighs, And felt his way through them by touch.
English Cricket is currently such, It really wouldn't be much When a year is up, And comes the World Cup, They could even lose to the Dutch.
Undressing a maiden called Sue, Her seducer exclaimed: 'If it's true That a nipple a day Keeps the doctor away, Think how healthy you must be with two.'
RADICAL CHIC(K)
A blonde hippy soprano named Sue Liked Rossini, and some Verdi, too. But she just couldn't trill And her wobble was nil. That's why "Greensleeves" is all she could do.
A cocksucker skilled, known as Sue, She loved cock and gobbling goo. She would guzzle your load 'Til your nuts would implode, And leave you with nothing to spew.
A half-baked potato, named Sue, Was withdrawn to thicken a stew. She reluctantly cried, As she simmered and fried, "I'm damned if I don't, or I do!"
An orgasmic young sex star named Sue Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. Her climactic fame spread With an ad blitz that said: "Coming Soon at a Theater Near You!"
There's a sports-minded coed named Sue Who's been coxing the varsity crew. In the shell, Sue is great, But her boyfriend's irate When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
There was a young lady named Sue, Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw. But one leads to the other, And now she's a mother - Let this be a lesson to you.
An English-gal Flamer, named Sue, Liked to tell everyone what to do. She'd flame and she'd nag, (Like some nosy old hag :-), But Sue's Limerick output was few. I hope you don't fuss and fight, But I must say I cringe at the sight When I read all the time What Sue writes that don't rhyme Though I must say she's usually right. Hey, Astra, Don't pick on that lass! This news group could do with some class. Forgive all the crimes While reading the rhymes And keep flames confined to your ass! Was ASTRA just flaming that Lass? This newsgroup has lost all its class Forgive the word crimes When reading the rhymes Confine the hot air to your ass.
Said Jim to his sweet sister Sue: "Mom's much better fucking than you." Said Sue, "What a bore! I have heard that before, From Daddy and Grandpappy too."
Links:
IndexA rather shy call girl named Sue, Cut slits in the covers she drew Up over her head, When she got into bed - Three marked "Service" and one "Peek-a-boo!"
Daily Ditty 195 Monday, 29 December 1997
Hermaphrodite Johnathan-Sue Kept real cool through the worst you could do When told, "Go fuck yourself!" He/She'd grin like an elf And say, "Thanks, I don't mind if I do!"
Links:
IndexA busty young biddy named Suggs Remarked on her bounteous dugs, "The way fellows get fresh, And go mauling my flesh, I'm afraid soon they'll droop like two jugs."
Mr Galsworthy rented a suite In a building devoid of all heat. So he fucked for three months, Sucked thirty-nine cunts, Which solved his problem quite neat.
There was an ex-Wave with a suite, Overlooking the bay. When the fleet Steamed in from maneuvers, She blinked with her louvers, "Standing by to be boarded. Repeat: "Standing by to be boarded. Repeat: etc., etc.
suitor - see Ceuta
Links:
IndexSummer
Whatever will rhyme with Summer? There only is 'plumber' and 'drummer': Why! the cleverest bard Would find it quite hard To connect with the Summer - a plumber! My Mind's getting glummer and glummer Hooray! there's a word beside's drummer; Oh, I will think of some Ere the prep's end has come But the rhymes will get rummer and rummer. Ah! If the bee hums, it's a hummer; And the bee showeth signs of the Summer; Also holiday babels Make th'porter gum labels, And whevever he gums, he's a gummer! The cuckoo's a goer and comer He goes in the hot days of Summer; But he cucks ev'ry day Till you plead and you pray That his voice will get dumber and dumber!
The chief delectation of summer Is having a fling with a drummer Who goes like a train Has a passable brain And looks nothing like John Selwyn Gummer Sue May, winner The chief delectation of summer Is to view, from behind, each newcomer But the average rear is too flabby, I fear Oh, how sad! What a shame! What a bumnmer! Zoe Powers, runner up The chief delectation of summer Is that clothing becomes minimumer And my wife's derriè
A horrid old lady of Summit, Every time she got laid, had to vomit. And although she would groan, When her man got a bone, "Give it here", she would say, "and I'll gum it."
A sailor who slept in the sun, Woke to find his fly-buttons undone. He remarked with a smile, 'Jesus Christ, a sundial! And now it's a quarter past one.'
A lady from near Rising Sun Flattened her boy-friend in one, Saying: 'Don't worry, kid, That's for nothing you did It's for something I dreamed you had done.'
Pioneer Village
This is Pioneer Village. The sun Bakes a field of log-houses to dun. Each historical hut Is boarded up, shut, We shout, shake the gates, wake no-one. So we climb the fence, tresspass, explore. There's a court-house, a schoolroom, a store, Barns of furniture, sheds, Stacked with carts, double beds. Freezers, motor-bikes, prams cram the floor. We poke about, ponder the place. Someone's missing. We call, rush and chase, Search an outhouse, a shack. Here she is, coming back, A parasol shading her face. We squint at the school through a chink. Yellow maps, lesson books, blackened ink. We can just see the date. Nineteen fifty-eight. Museums for the living, we think.
As the poets have mournfully sung, Death takes the innocent young, The rolling-in-money. The screamingly funny, And those who are very well hung.
Out in old Langtry, Texas, they've sung Of the exploits of Roy Bean and flung Wide praises with twitting While somehow omitting That the "Hangin' Judge" was quite well hung.
Daily Ditty 182 Tuesday, 16 December 1997
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #4 Any chance for promotion is sunk My boss and his wife both got drunk I deflected passes From both pompous asses, While both declared I was a "hunk".
Links:
IndexDrought
A land of blue skies, and sunlight, Each day endlessly clear and bright, Without rain, the dams dry, Crops fail, cattle die, Farmers waste, walk away, quit the fight.
A lady with manner superior sought a divorce from her hubby inferior. And her grounds were that once, She had yelled at him, "Dunce!" And he yelled, "Quiet, you horse's posterior!"
Thumbs are OK I suppose, But Oh, for opposable toes! The things we could eat If we could use our feet! We could munch where the coconut grows!
Thumbs are OK I suppose, But Oh, for opposable toes! It would really be great When you're out on a date, And perfect for taking off clothes.
I'm afraid one can hardly suppose A presence as boring as Joe's. When he's finally led A girl into bed, She promptly falls into a doze.
Said a gentle old man, "I suppose I ought not to wear my best clothes. But what can I do? I only have two, And these are no better than those."
There was an Old Man who supposed That the street door was partially closed; But some very large rats Ate his coats and his hats While that futile old gentleman dozed.
supposed - see birth
Links:
IndexLolita, delinquent supreme. What every old man hopes to dream. Both buxom and soft With parts held aloft That pressure the mid-zipper seam.
Surat - see Bhogat
Links:
IndexSays the Frenchman, 'You'll pay us for sure.' Says the German, 'We can't for we're poor.' So Fritz with a whine Sings [his] 'Watch on the Rhine,' But [Poilu | Perrot] sings, 'Watch on the Rhur.'
Your apology's accepted I'm sure, You've repented and now sin no more, But if you should repeat This despicable feat, You'll be kicked (up the arse) out the door!
Links:
IndexThere once was a wife who was sure She was right. And she was. Till a whore Who was glad to be wrong, Sang the old boy a song, And they ran off to Cannes. Vive l'amour!
sure - see sex
Links:
IndexDaily Ditty 79 Thursday, 4 September 1997
SOAP OPERA Anne went to a good plastic surgeon To turn her back into a virgin In order to trick A rich guy named Dick To give in to her maternal urgin' Not only was Dick soon seduced, The poor bastard was quickly reduced To a married man's life With Anne as his wife And the fetus he thought he'd produced The real father, however, was Stan, And here's a small flaw in Anne's plan: Alas and alack! Dick was white, Stan was black And the baby a rich shade of tan Was Dick in the least bit dismayed? Not a bit! He just knelt down and prayed! He blamed it on God 'Sted of Stan's active rod And the role that the surgeon had played Now, you wonder how this will turn out? What, in fact, the whole thing's all about? Well, here's news for you: I'm wondering too - And a clue without doubt I'm without! The lady who calls herself Anne Who hatched this nefarious plan Pulled more than one trick On Stan, then on Dick For Pre-op, this Anne was a man! But Dick's prayer was answered that night His revenge upon Anne was a sight They had the same mother Making 'Anne' his own brother (And the baby's a hermaphrodite) This story gets stranger next week Your curiosity will pique So tune in next time For this soap opera rhyme When Dick and Stan finally speak!
Links:
IndexThese verses, one can but surmise, Were not meant for clerical eyes. Should the Bishop and Dean Find out what they mean, They ought to turn pink with surprise. And if, among Romish admirers, They stimulate naughty desires, Confess them, at least, To your neighbourhood priest, For the price of ten Ave Marias.
Henry and Linda surmised That they'd like to camp out 'neath the skies. They weren't known to bone, Yet on the way home, Their nether spots felt tenderized.
A writer on incest, surmises, His book won't be mentioned for prizes; But he thinks it will sell, And do rather well, With the title The Son Also Rises.
Harry Wuchowski's surname Has changed because of his fame. The state does not like him, And rather than strike him, They cut off the end of his name.
surprise - see Maid
Links:
IndexA friend of ours once was surprised To have his long dong criticized, By a whore who was shrewish, Too fat, and half Jewish, Because it was uncircumcised.
surprising - see chums
Links:
IndexThere was an old woman of Surrey, Who was morn, noon, and night in a hurry; Called her husband a fool, Drove her children to school, The worrying old woman of Surrey,
All night this man tried to survive A nympho he picked-up in a dive. But by a quarter 'til two He was screwed and tatooed! By a bitch equipped with over-drive!
A golfer, who sought to survive With grit, determination, and drive, "Inflation", he'd claim, "Is affecting my game, I used to shout 'fore', now it's 'five'".
Says an underage hooker named Susie, "I've really no need to be choosy: The creeps and the bummers, I service all comers - My ten-year old pimp has an Uzi."
There was a young lady named Susie, Who everyone thought was a floozy. She liked boy scout troops And Shriners, in groups; "What the hell?" she said. "I'm not choosy."
Some girls get unduly suspicious When you paw at their corpus delicious. They claim it's just rudeness, When really it's lewdness, And your intentions are wholly lubricious.
A girl by the green Susquehanna, Said she would do it mañana. But her lover got sore And sailed off to Ladore... And now she must use a banana.
Sutter - see futter
Links:
IndexThere was a young lad[y] named Sutton, Who said, as [s]he carved up the mutton, "My father preferred The last sheep in the herd - This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
There was a young woman named Suzie, Who was not much inclined to be choosy. So that after a day Of intensive sex play, She was apt to remark, "Say, just who's he?"
A skinny French lady named Suzie When eating was never too choosy She ate so much food It hardly got chewed He metabolism sure was a doosie!
The police arrested young Suzie, For being a militant floozie. They took off her clothes, But no record shows, There was fuzz on the top of her coozie.
There once was a girl named Suzy, Who never could buy any shoesy. The reason, you see, Was simple. For she Had three feet instead of just twosy.
Da bilfø
What makes you so crabby, Par Svensson? Are you suff'ring from pre-menstrual Tensson? For this author feels Your vitriol conceals Something far too unpleasant to Mensson.
Links:
IndexHe died in attempting to swallow, Which proves that, though fat, he was hollow. For in gasping for space, He swallowed his face, And hadn't the courage to follow.
When Jupiter hid in a swan And laid Leda low on the lawn, Pled she, 'Stick your neck in, But please do not peck in My box, for the lining is gone.'
A distinguished professor from Swarthmore Had a date with a sexy young sophomore. As quick as a glance He stripped off his pants But found that the sophomore'd got off more.
Who, or why, or which, or what is the Akond of Swat? Is he tall or short, Or dark or fair? Does he sit on a stool or sofa or chair, or squat, The Akond of Swat?
Links:
IndexThe Akond of Swat strikes back. A reverse limerick in reply to a verse by Lear
Mr Lear, I'm the Akond of Swat. I'm gracious and fat, In a very tall hat, And I'm heating a very large pot. You know, and for whom, and for what.
Links:
IndexFifty years later some people swear "Little Boy" and "Fat Man" did their share. Wile others lament Those bombs being sent I just say with a shrug, "C'est la guerre."
They use dope in D.C., I swear. It's obvious to me that they're Smoking a lot, And it must be pot. I know that the joint chiefs are there.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden, Who went by the slow train to Weedon; When they cried, "Weedon Station!" She made no observation, But thought she should go back to Sweden.
There was a young fellow named Sweeney Whose girl was a terrible meanie. The hatch of her snatch Had a catch that would latch - She could only be screwed by Houdini
The exquisite bartender at Sweeney's Is famed for his ale and free wienies; But I thought him uncouth To gulp gin and vermouth, Chill the glasses, and piddle Martinis.
A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, Renowned for the length of their [p|w]eenies. The hair on their balls Sweeps the floor in their halls, But they don't look at women - the meanies.
There once was a fellow named Sweeny, Who spilled gin all over his weenie. Not being uncouth, He added vermouth, And slipped to his girl a Martini.
There was a young girl, very sweet, Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. When she sat on their lap She unbuttoned their flap, And always had plenty to eat.
Young girl approaches, with face so sweet. I observe her, as she makes her retreat. Viewed from the rear, In hindsight , it's clear, Thongs should only be worn on the feet!
"We are ladies here at Sweet Briar," The dean told the girls. "We require That you peddle your ass, If you must, outside class, And, at all times, in formal attire."
Illegal nude dancing is swell. It's cool and the tips help as well. But avoid cops because Being picked up by the Fuzz Has got to be painful as hell.
swell - see Morel
Links:
IndexThere was a composer so swell, Who thought screwing to music was hell. Everything went fine Till he got out of time - "Say, this isn't Bach, it's Ravel!"
There was an old farmer named Swift, Who went into town and got spiffed. He awoke in a a sty, With a sow standing by, And said, "Now, dear, no use getting miffed!"
It was June, and Miss Toon, in a swoon, Met her man by the light of the moon; And all night, as they played, Lovely music was made, For the chap kept his organ in Toon.
Bob to his friends sympathetic: "Some of these rhymes are poetic. But if you don't try The best will go by, And the rest may appear quite pathetic." So break out your own rhyming style, Post a limerick and bring us a smile. And soon you may find An intelligent mind To have intercourse with for a while.
Every time Lady Lowbodice swoons, Her bubbies pop out like balloons; But her butler stands by With hauteur in his eye And lifts them back in with warm spoons.
There once was a curate named Swope Who wanted to bugger the Pope - To destroy the division Twixt his lust and religion And, on the side, get an Archbishop's cope.
There was an old Count of Swoboda Who would not pay a whore what he owed her, So with great savoir-faire She stood on a chair, And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
There once was a nympho named Sword On days without fucking got bored. Looking to please her cunt She went out on a hunt And found cucumbers she'd never explored.
There once was an escort named Sy, Whose company ladies would buy. But they found that his trick, Was not a big dick, But a knackwurst he taped to his thigh.
A contortionist actor named Syd Could twist himself up like a squid Then a fellow in Guelph Shouted "Go fuck yourself!" And, wonder of wonders, he did!
Syd - see Sid
Links:
IndexSaid a man to his spouse in East Sydenham 'My best trousers! Now where have you hydenham? It is perfectly true They were not very new But I foolishly left half a quidenham.'
There was a young fellow named Sydney, Who drank till he ruined his kydney. It shriveled and shrank As he sat there and drank, But he had a good time at it, didn'[t h]e[y]?
There was a young lady from Sydney Who could take it right up to her kydney. But a man from Quebec Shoved it up to her neck. He had a long one, now didn' he?
There was a young fellow of Sydney Who with women and wine ruined his kidney. He screwed and he boozed, And his innards all oozed, But he had a good time of it, didn' he?
There was an old lady of Sydney Who was bothered with pains in her kidney. She prayed to the Lord Tae hae it restored. He said that he wud, but He didnae.
There was a young lady from Sydney, Who had it rammed up to her kidney. Then a man from Quebec Rammed it up to her neck. My! He had a long one, didn't he?
A reporter named Archibald Symes Lured girls on to infamous crimes. 'I give them,' he'd boast, 'Two Globes and a Post, And God knows how many Times.'
There was a young Jap in a syndicate, Who refused, his opinions to vindicate; He stoutly denied That his statements implied What they seem on the surface to indicate.
There's a popular doxy from Syria Whose front view could scarcely be drearier. But your day she would cheer, If observed from the rear; Her success rests upon her posterior.
There once was a rounder from Syria, Who entered a convent's interior. Ere they loosed him - what luck - The dear man had to fuck All the nuns and the Mother Superior.
There once was a startled young Syrian, Who coming home late, and who peering in The window to coo To his wife, beheld two Rather lithe Lebanese disappearyin'.