The elephantine Mr. L Is the source of a powerful smell It's the stench of a lie, And a fat sweaty guy, Whose head just continues to swell.
My boyfriend who lives in L.A. Is stealing my heart away! I'd sit on his face If he'd just name the place. He pleases me so much that way.
An aging call girl in L.A. Used to make half a thousand a day. But age dimmed her renown, And now she lays down, Nearly ten times for exactly that pay.
L.A. - see Delray
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IndexThere once was a man from L.A. Who got down on his knees to pray But God wouldn't listen Cuz the young man was missin' His collection for church that day.
A thrice-married girl from L.A. Said, "My hymen's intact to this day. 'Cause my first( a shrink) talked at it, The voyeur only gawked at it, And my most recent man's a gourmet."
I sit in a computer lab. Reading megabytes of gab. How long must I sit? I'm trying to quit Before I go stark raving mad.
"My harem now has what it lacked", The Sultan expansively cracked. "There are bunk beds for all Where the dears wait my call, Since the women I ball, must be stacked.
There was a young man of Laconia Whose mother-in-law had pneumonia. He hoped for the worst - And after March first They buried her 'neath a begonia.
There once was an upcoming lad, Full of juice, but a bit of a cad. Once he got off his rocks, He would put on his socks, And sneer, "Well, I guess you've been had!"
A young lady climbed up on a ladder And attempted self-rape with an adder. She gave a wild grasp At the tail of the asp, As its head penetrated her bladder.
Indiana produced quite a lad; Danny Q played golf and was glad. "I'll serve my country Though I'm due at the tee, But first I'll have to ask Dad."
There once was a bonnie Scots laddie, Who said as he put on his plaidie: "I've just had a dish, O' unco' guid fish." What had he had? Had he had haddie?
General Gordon Speaks
'Some people may think I'm a bit la-di- Da, others say I'm quite hardy; The truth is, in brief, I'm seeking relief But not at the hands of the Mahdi.'
Said Nelson at his most la-di-da-di: 'I am sorry, if I seem rather tardy, But I face a dilemma - Should I bugger my Emma Or screw the delectable Hardy?'
Laertes - see Hamlet
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IndexSaid a madam named Mamie La Farge, To a sailor just off of a barge, 'We have one girl that's dead, With a hole in her head - Of course, there's a slight extra charge.'
There once was a man named Lafarge, Whose dick was exceedingly large. His razor he'd hone On the end of his bone, And lather his face with the charge.
A bearded lady is Mimi LaFey, She works in a sideshow - for pay, She's bald as a cue And since that won't do, She wears on her head a toupée. A bearded lady is Mimi LaFey, Who works in a circus and likes it that way, She's very astute At remaining hirsute, [She] bathes her face in Rogaine every day.
A bearded lady is Mimi LaFey, Whose beard grew more bushy each day, Providing a nest, To a Robin Redbreast, A cockatoo, and an Osprey.
An astonished young bride named LaFong, Found her husband abnormally strong. She knew about sex And its heady effects, But thought thirty-two times might be wrong.
TOUS LES MUPPETS DU MONDE
Le grand gambiste, Carmé LaGrenouille Possedait un archet, et deux couilles. En prélude chaqu' suite, Il sortait sa gross' bite Décorée de médailles et de crouilles.
There was a young man of Lahore Whose [tool | prick] was one inch and no more; It was all right for key-holes And [wee lassies' | little girls'] pee-holes But [no bloody use | not worth a damn] for a whore.
A lusty old guy from Lahore Had a penis of six feet or more. You'd think he'd be glad But instead he was sad-- He could use but the first three or four.
Said the horrible whore of Lahore, While ape-fucking against a door, "This orang-utang Is better than bhang - The penis of man's quite a bore."
Lahore - see West Shore
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IndexA thoughtful old man of Lahore, When a subject was getting a bore, Would wisely arrange Conversation to change By falling in fits on the floor.
Lahore - see Jaipur
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IndexIl y avait une madame de Lahore Dont la figure n'était la meillerure, Mais la vagine très forte, Toujours couverte la porte, Encore, et encore, et encore.
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IndexA young novice priest of Lahore, Ogled nuns in the convent galore. He climbed in and defiled one, Who proved such a wild one, That he stayed to defile her some more.
There was a young girl of Lahore, The same shape behind as before. Since no one knew Which side to screw, It baffled the spermatozoa.
A whore grown too old to get laid, Turned parfumeuse, finding it paid To concoct Fleur de Floozie From the juice of her coosie, (Substantial discount to the trade).
Old Wally was glad he got laid, By that sweet little Idaho maid, But a social disease, And a bad case of fleas Left Wally's poor wife all dismayed.
There is an old man of La Jolla, With a habit that's sure to anolla. Before tellin a joke, He'll give you a poke, And remark, "This will really destrolla."
There was a young man of La Jolla, Who kept screwing his wife in the foyer. Those who passed by would mumble, Or stub toes and stumble, But the foyer was where he'd enjoy 'er.
'I wandered lonely as a cloud ...'
I spotted these daffs by the lake. And a right pretty picture they make. Because of these flowers, I'm dreaming for hours - Which gives my libido a break.
Said a lovely young lady named Lake, Pervertedly fond of a snake, 'If my good friend, the boa, Shoots spermatozoa What offspring we'll leave in our wake!' Another young lady would make Advances to snake after snake. Though men she had met Got her diaphragm wet, She wanted her glottis to shake.
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IndexThere's a buxom young wench in Lamar, Whose shape is too nubile by far. One luscious bazoom, Fills up half the room, And you couldn't go round her in par.
There was a young laundress of Lamas, Who invented high amorous dramas, From the spots she espied, Dried and hardened inside The pants of the parson's pajamas.
Ewè bleateth after lamb, Low'th after calvè coo; Bullock starteth Buckè farteth - Merry sing cuckoo!
lamb - see Cham
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Indexlamentation - see chagrin
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IndexHave you heard about Dorothy Lamour, Whose lovers got fewer and fewer? When ask why she lost 'em She said, 'I defrost 'em - I guess I'm not made for a whore.'
When he hired Miss Julie Lampeer He said, "I will further your career." But he was a gent The guy really meant, "I'm going to fuck you my dear."
There once was a woman named Lana, Who liked to give head in the sauna. The steam was so thick, That she bit off a dick; Now they call her the human pirana.
There was a young girl from Lancaster Who'd do anything anyone asked her. But when she got spliced She got so high-priced Only Jesus H. Christ and John Jacob Astor.
Lancaster - see Alaska
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IndexA very gay fellow named Lance, Would respond to the slightest advance. It took too long to strip, So he'd urge men to slip Their tool through a hole in his pants.
When I told my hippie friend, Lance, Our theme of the month was transplants, He started to smoke; Of poppy he spoke; And joked about other trance plants.
There once was a young man named Lance, At his dictionary he never would glance, Said a smart little lass, With a great little ass, "Spell lingerie to get into my pants."
There was a young fellow named Lancelot Whom his neighbours all looked on askance a lot. Whenever he'd pass A presentable lass The front of his pants would advance a lot.
There once was a great knight named Lancelot, Who placed Queen Guinevere in a trance a lot. But what bothered the King, Was he managed the thing, By serenely removing his pants a lot.
Moaned Tessie, the whore, "In this land, I've met bastards who thought it was grand To retire, when inclined, With sex problems in mind, And awake with solution in hand."
They're making plans in movie-land, For a film about Lorena's sleight-of-hand. Whether it's funny or sad, One thing makes me glad: I don't have to be Bobbitt's stunt man.
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IndexDaily Ditty 56 Tuesday, 12 August 1997
Said the old man, "I'd sell you my land, But it's sacred to me where we stand My first piece of ass Was right here in this grass; I hope, sir, that you understand." Said the buyer, "I understand well, we'll leave you this one little dell." Said the man, "And that wood where her dear mother stood and watched us, I also won't sell." He was asked, "Are you handing me crud?? ... Did she threaten and call for your blood?" Said the man, "I recall she said nothing at all, Just went right on chewing her cud."
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IndexThere's a dowager near Sweden Landing, Whose manners are odd and demanding. It's one of her jests To suck off her guests. She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
Said a thrice-tested man named Landis, "Don't mourn, dear. You know how a gland is. If you'll just use your head, You'll fine 'limp' is not 'dead': It will still serve mutatis mutandis."
He said to his friendly landlady, "You're dark and mysterious, Sadie." But he was a gent - The guy really meant: "Your past is jet black, not just shady."
There once was a man from Landrucket Who wanted to fuck it and fuck it. But he was real stuck And just couldn't fuck, 'Cause his penis could fill a large bucket.
There was a young Marquis of Landsdowne, Who tried hard to keep his great stands down. Said he, "But that I thought I should break it off short, My penis I'd hold with both hands down."
The Temptress of Cedar Lane Made Love on the Midnight Train. The Clickety Clack Caused a fall from the rack Resulting in God-awful pain.
C, as a programming language, Has caused the world no end of anguish. But programmers stay With C anyway, Though with ML the anguish may vanquish.
There was a young fellow named Lanny The size of whose prick was uncanny. His wife, the poor dear, Took it into her ear And it came out the hole in her fanny.
There was a young girl from East Lansing, Who shit down her leg while out dancing. It slid down her nylon, And left a great pile on The floor upon which she was prancing.
Since the girls found no joys in her lap, Pete chopped off her big brother's tap. At his death [she did not repent | ,not repenting] But fixed [it with cement | by cementing] [And | She] wore it in place with a strap.
Beer
A beer-drinking man of Lapeer To water would never come near. He claimed men at great cost In the water were lost, But no man ever foundered in beer.
There once was a man from Lapeze Who spent his life solving d.e.'s. "They're easy", he said, "But partials I dread, I break out in spots and I wheeze!"
An innocent boy in Lapland, Was told that frigging was grand. But at his first trial, He said with a smile, "I've had the same feeling by hand."
La Plata - see Plata
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IndexA pious young nun from La Plata Was blessed with the holy stigmata. They appeared at the rim Of her virginal quim When she did what she shouldn't have otta.
La Platte - see tree
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IndexThere was an ingenuous Lapp, Who was, it appeared, quite a sap. When a young woman said, "Please come to my bed." He thanked her and took a long nap.
There was a young lecher named Lapp Who thought condoms were so much crap. Said he, "All us he-men, Like to scatter our semen." Ten weeks later he still has the clap.
In the ancient Greek town of Larissa Dwelt a hideous whore called Clarissa Except for the blind Men preferred her behind To her face, when attempting to kissa.
This girls snatch was so large, It had room for ten men and a barge! She could do all the men, Then come back again And give them all head with no charge!
I don't give a damn, by and large, About sex. There's too much persiflage In dating and bedding, And, worst of all, wedding. It just doesn't give me a charge.
John Quinn
There's a donor of lavish largesse Who once bought a play in MS. He found out what it all meant By the final instalment But poor Scriptor was left in a mess.
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IndexIn his garden remarked Lord Larkeeling: "A fig for your digging and weeding. I like watching birds While they're dropping their turds, And spying on guineapigs breeding."
[Said a lassie | Miss Farrow] on one of her larks: '[It's | Sex is] more fun [indoors | in bed] than in parks. You feel more at ease, Your ass doesn't freeze, And [strollers | passers-by] don't make [snide] remarks.'
A practical joker named Lars Liked to hand out exploding cigars. One particular bloke, The butt of his joke, Has his sphincter in orbit 'round Mars.
In Rome, a curator named Lars, Found, preserved in a cache of old jars, The cunny of Venus, Old Jupiters penis, And he thinks, the left knocker of Mars.
A firebug by the name of Larson Was convicted of female arson. He dropped a match In his fiancee's snatch; She sent him a Dear Johnny Carson.
There was a young girl named LaRue, Who thought it great fun just to screw. She was never particular And performed perpendicular - An art known to only a few.
There's an Allen who lives in La Salle With a dream that inflates his morale: It's a dollar a gallon At the gas pump for Allen - But there's ass at a dollar a gal!
A Cajun gourmet named LaSalle, Is the chef at dat place on Canal. He put lotta spice On your red beans an' rice, And make lightnin' shoot outta your bowel!
She's no longer a young Irish lass. In fact, she has had a bypass. Her hair, it is true, Is really quite blue, But she hasn't quite run out of gas.
There once was a very bright Lass, Who was at the top of her class. She studied real hard, So on her report card. All of her subjects she'd pass.
There once was a horny young lass Who liked shoving things up her ass: Odd pieces of lumber Or phallic cucumber And all during 9:30 mass.
Rosalina, a pretty young lass, Had a truly magnificent ass : Not rounded and pink As you possibly think - It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
I once knew a very queer lass Who had a triangular ass. Now it might sound absurd But the shape of her turd Was a stately pyramidal mass!
In the city of York, there's a lass Who will hitch up her dress when you pass. If you toss her two bits She will strip to the tits, And let you explore her bare ass.
Said a shapely and thrifty young lass, Who smoked cigarettes through her ass, "Come get high from a toke Of my fartified smoke. It's certainly cheaper than grass."
Said a cute university lass Who was taking a sex technique class, "How excited I am! Aced the written exam, So now I've just orals to pass."
In the West once, a passonate lass Was considered a great piece of ass! But when rustlers fled town, She preferred to go down As she headed them off at the pass!
There once was a roguish young lass, Who excelled in biology class. She thought is was fun, To curl up with one, But terrific to do it 'en masse'.
There once was a spinsterish lass Who constructed her panties of brass. When asked, "Do thay chafe?" She said, "Yes, but I'm safe Against pinches, and pins in the ass."
There once was a diddlesome lass, Whose dandles drew young men en masse. What with diddling and dandling, She endured much manhandling - Rather more that most girls of her class.
There once was a Communist lass, Who made liberal use of her ass. There is no comrade yet To whom she has said, "Nyet!" - It was fully reported in Tass.
fight - see Sue
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IndexThere once was a delicate lass Who loved getting laid in the grass. Till a toad hopped inside her, Pursued by a spider, Now she's an insane piece of ass.
There was a young lady of Lassen, Who was raped by a loony assassin. For an hour or two, He tried to unscrew, But he found he couldn't unfasten.
You can have all your super-assed lasses; A babe with Big Tits gets my passes. For a big, bouncy bust Stirs man's animal lust-- Big asses are just for the masses.
There was a young lady named Lassiter, Whose permission could not have been taciter. She would lie on the lawn, Barely stifling a yawn, While our lads stood in line for a pass at her.
An emasculate lad said, "At last, I've an elephant trunk for a mast. Though usually great, I do have to state, I'm embarrassed when peanuts are passed."
Dumb Dan joined the monks of late. Found he couldn't remain celibate. He said, "I regret I can't can't get sex, yet, I'm sure they said, 'We celebrate.'."
It's a popular pastime of late To name pricks after some head of state. There's John Major (for cute pricks) And The Castro (hirsute pricks). My own I call Peter the Great. It's a popular pastime of late To name privates for some head of state. John Major at attention Noreaga de-ten-inch-one And Michael's is Peter the Great. Sitting Bull if it's red Adolf if it's dead .D.R. for the limp Hindenburg for a blimp A Castro's hirsute A Saddam is a brute A Solomon's wise While a Clinton just lies After rough rides a Teddy Turns Benito (spaghetti) A Kennedy's thick And a Nixon is slick If it's regal and classy It's a Haile Selassie.
Cried mother, "Why children, you're late! You know I serve dinner at eight, So get into your seat And be sure that you eat Every carrot and pea on your plate."
There once was a monk of LaTrappe With the strength that no harlot could sap. In the midst of a stand, With a wave of his hand, He could turn the thing off, like a tap.
There was a young monk of La Trappe, Who had shooting pains in his jappap. He said, "Jesus Christ! This doesn't feel nice-- Methinks Sister Maud hath the clappe."
An eager young cop from Latrobe, Was assigned by the DA to probe, Into organized vice. Which he did. But the price Was the worst case of pustules since Job.
"Yes, of course," said a girl from Latrop, "But it's hard to know quite where to stop. A boy lifts your slip. Then you hear him unzip. Then what do you do?, Call a cop?"
There was a Trobadour, mighty and laud. A minister of Boudyness Uncouth who could not read a thing without starting to sing from the rottenest side of his mouth.
A nurse once replied, with a laugh, "You nerd!" to a doc on the staff Who'd proposed, with a whine, "If you don't sixty-nine, I'd accept thirty-four and a half."
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IndexA gift was delivered to Laura, From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah. Wrapped in tissue and crepe, It was peeled, like a grape, And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
There was a young lady named Laura, Whom the mere thought of sex fill with horror. You may think that 'de trop', But I want you to know, That the pope and his crowd were all for her.
A young couple who lived at The Laurels Had the most indescribable morals. You'd not see in a zoo The things that they'd do, To make up when they had lovers' quarrels.
A young lass from the distant Laurentians, Once made love in a bed of fringed gentians, Where the deeds that she did Were so much better hid. They're perversions, you see, no one mentions.
A promiscuous sort was dear Laurie. (Yes, this is that type of story.) She did it with Joe And Larry and Moe And Curly and Howard and Morrie. And Johnny and Richard and Pritchard and Kerry And Lonnie and Horace and Boris and Barry And Donald and Harold And Ronald and Gerald And Tommy and Dicky and Harry. And ... Peter and Paul and Teddy and Todd And Matthew and Mark and Simon and Rod And Brucie and Mark And Bobby and Clark And she still isn't finished! My God! And David and Dennis and Huey and Ken And Dewey and Louie, then David again, And Willy and Ben And David again And again and again and again. And Danny and Manny and Gary and Fred And Mackie and Jackie and Dougie and Ned And Harvey and Len (then David again) And - hold on just a second, she's dead!
Regardez-vous Toulouse-Lautrec, Though at first glance, an ambulant wreck. He could fuck once a week A la manière antique, And once in a while à la Grecque.
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IndexHave you heard about Toulouse-Lautrec? Though at first flush, an ambulant wreck. He could hitch up his nuts And follow his putz Into twitchets, right up to his neck!
A fat fetid fart named Laval Served Hitler instead of a gal. One night down at Vichy Adolf said, "It's too itchy-- Your moustache, my bisexual pal."
There was a young bride named LaVerne, Who found she'd a great deal to learn. The man she had wed, Took young boys to bed, And she didn't know which way to turn.
A young ballerina named Laverne, Has a boyfriend who goes for the stern. Her tutu he'll rustle For the alimentary muscle; A "grand jete" will give her a burn.
A poodle was charged by the law With resembling Hall Caine. With his paw Pressed close to his forehead, He sobbed, 'Yes, it's horrid, But at least I'm not George Bernard Shaw
An attorney who practiced at law, Wed a bright, cultured girl with one flaw: She farted so foul, He'd let out a yowl - Though asleep, he would rush out the daw!
The orgy was held on the lawn, And we knocked off two hours before dawn. We found ourselves viewing Twenty-two couples screwing, But by sun-up they'd all come and gone.
But the bloke too weighs many a lb. And he fell when the lass turned ar/plb., Caught his ass on the chair, Waved his legs in the air And his head became wedged undergr/plb.
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IndexThere was a young man reading Lawrence To his inamorata in Florence. When they came to the page Where he fucks her with rage, He flooded her guts with his torrents.
In the Abode of True Wisdom called Lawrence, To the godly's a vicious abhorrence, For the prexy gets stewed, And the faculty screwed, And the semen runs streetward in torrents.
A filthy young fellow called Lawrence Poured out torrid titles in Torrents, Offending the spouses Of well-to-do houses, Whilst their servants were filled with abhorrence.
There was an old lady who lay With her [legs wide apart | petticoats up] in the hay, Then, calling the ploughman, She said, 'Do it now, man! Don't wait til your hair has turned gray.'
Van Gogh found a whore who would lay, And accept a small painting as pay. "Vive l'Art!", cried Van Gogh, "But it's too fucking slow - I wish I could paint ten a day!"
Ease on Mirth, Pill Will Again
To shepherds in fields as they lay, I once heard our good pastor say, "I've heard angels sing. Thus I to you bring Tearful chidings this good Christmas day."
lay - see Chaldees
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Indexlay - see rump
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IndexWhen is a limerick lazy? The question is driving me crazy. I hope that some day Someone will sayBlack hole detected - aborting - Consult manual.
There was a young lady named [Lea | Lee], Whose favors were frequent and free. And pants-pigeons flew Where her goose-berries grew, And some of them flew onto me.
See Leigh
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IndexAll the streams that water the lea, Are quite pestilential with pee. But the gallons of sperm, Spread nary a germ; In rubber they float to the sea.
Once, when a teacher name Leach Tried good grammar her students to teach, She said, "Quick as a wink I can tell what you think, For your thoughts are betrayed by your speech."
Leaf - see Leith
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IndexOn Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce
When Ireland was bloody and leaderless, The tedious, garrulous Daedalus - Having failed both as priest And as Glorious Beast - Sailed away to write books that were readerless.
An N.B.A. groupie named Leaming Likes two jocks at once, and is scheming To combine tail and head With a duo in bed, "For I like," she explains, "double teaming."
A sad-eyed young pimp named Leander Found it rather hard going, to pander. For queer after queer Cocked an eye at his rear, Which they'd price with the greatest of candor.
On Matilda's white bosom there leaned The cheek of a low-minded fiend, But she yanked up his head And sarcastically said, "My boy! Won't you ever be weaned."
There once was a girl named Leaner; Her nose was as long as a weiner. She could eat enough meat To last her a week; You'd know it's the truth if you'd seen her.
There once was a fellow called Lear Whose verses were terribly drear All except that With an owl and a cat Which is still quite a pleasure to hear
There once was an artist named Lear Who wrote verses to make children cheer. Though they never made sense, Their success was immense, And the Queen thought that Lear was a dear.
[A poor spelling | There once was a] golfer named Lear Was sent to the clink for a year For an action obscene [Near the seventeenth | On the very first] green, Where a club sign said ENTER COURSE HERE.
There was an old farmer named Lear, Who possessed a fine cow that gave beer. Budweiser or Schlitz, Could be tapped from her teats, And pretzels came out of the rear.
Although at the Limericks of Lear, We may feel a temptation to sneer, We should never forget That we owe him a debt For his work as the first pioneer.
The first Lim'rick writer, Ed. Lear Wrote nothing so vulgar, I fear. Good fun was his aim Which brought him great fame So please don't talk out of your rear. If you work your way into the past And browse through the limerick's cast, You'll see that old Lear Wasn't first-born in here, Though he was the first one to last. Lear may the first limericks have versed But these days his style does seem cursed. His first four are fine But the man's final line Seems simply to echo the first. This Kaiser fellow named Ray, Bestowed the tip of the day: * Lim'ricks aren't clean... They should be obscene.* To which we said: "Fuckin' *A*". There once was a poster named Ray, Who on lim'ricks was oft' known to say: "Unless they are blue They cannot be true" To which other authors say, "Nay!" But Ray, if you want lim'ricks blue, I offer this poem to you: Go suck on your dick (tain't really a trick For an uptight self-fucker like you).
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Indexlearn - see sex
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IndexA patrician young fellow named Lear, Used to wash off his ballox with beer. Said he, "By the gods, This is good for the cods - It will lengthen my fucking career."
A Double Limerick
The Limerick issued from Lear, The Clerihew blossomed in Bentley; The former was foolish and queer, The latter guyed history gently. But they both of them gave, On their path to the grave, So much pleasure in print, That we'd most of us wave Any critical right to be hard upon Lear Or turn up our noses at Bentley.
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Three girly-men, all dressed in leather, Tied Hans and Franz firmly together. 'Pumped them up' all night long, Though they started out strong, Now they're so tired, they can't lift a feather.
She made a thing of soft leather, And topped off the end with a feather. When she poked it inside her She took off like a glider, And gave up her lover forever.
A tireless young lady in leather, Liked men in all kinds of weather. She rode them outdoors Till they got saddle sores, They'd hide but she found them wherever!
A rascal far gone in lechery Lured maids to their doom by his treachery. He invited them in For the purpose of sin, Though he said 'twas to look at his etchery.
The exploits of sexy Miss Lecks, On men, have such wearing effects, That a night of embraces Turns sexual aces Into limber-kneed, quivering wrecks!
A harlot of note named Le Dux Would always charge seventy bucks, But for that she would suck you, And wink-off and fuck you - The whole thing was simply de luxe!
See Leigh
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IndexA medical student named Lee Once ravished a taunting P.T. She sobbed, "How I rue Taking a rise out of you; Now please take the rise out of me!"
A big wooly dog named Lee, Had a host of friends to see. So he paced the street, On all four feet But visited mainly on three.
Lee - see tea
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IndexThere was a young lady of Lee Who scrambled up into a tree, When she got there Her arsehole was bare, And so was her K U N T.
There was a young lass named Lee, Who debauched on a wild long spree. Now she writes to the papers, Condemning such capers, And signs herself, "Mother of Three."
Lee - see Lea
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IndexA myopic tree surgeon named Lee Trapped an agile young wench in a tree. Jeered she, "Shift your whopper, You careless limb lopper! That's a moss covered knothole - not me!"
At fair time, Miss Flower-Belle Lee, Takes in city gents for a fee. But she lets us homefolk, Perch up in that oak, By her window and watch the show - free.
She reacted, did novice whore Lee, To her first fuck for dollars with glee! She was bursting with pride: I'm in business," she cried, "Since a John has his business in me!"
There was a young woman named Cora Lee, Who said, "I will do it immorally. On top and on bottom, Any way that I've got 'em, Vaginally, anally, orally."
A Quaker bartender named Lee, Avoided all raucous melee, But got up his ire, At religious inquire, And quietly murmured, "Fuck thee!"
There once was this couple named Lee, Who screwed doggie-fashion, you see. They both would attest That this method was best For watching N.F.L. on T.V.
Cochrane, Shapiro, F. Lee, As slick as three lawyers can be! They persuaded the jury, To take out its fury On Furman, and set O.J. free.
There was a young lady named Lee, Who swam all alone in the sea. People said, "You'll be drowned," But she sniffed and she frowned, And said, "Pish-stosh and fiddle-de-dee!"
There once was a tweetle called Lee, Whom B***** invited to tea. He was promptly debagged, And buggered and shagged, Till his tool simply grew like a tree.
A brewery worker named Lee Drowned in a vat of brewski. I regretfully say He didn't drown right away. He climbed out five times to wee-wee!
A once-famous gatherer of leeches, Has taken to combing the beaches, Where he helps all the aunties On and off with their panties, And they help him off with his breeches.
There once was a lifeguard named Lee, Who rescued a girl from the sea. She asked how to pay, And he said, "Just one way - Go down for the third time on me."
Lee - see Lea
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IndexThere was an old woman of Leeds Who spent all her life in good deeds; She worked for the poor Till her fingers were sore, This pious old woman of Leeds
There was an Old Person of Leeds Whose head was infested with beads; She sat on a stool And ate gooseberry-fool, Which agreed with that Person of Leeds
[A doughty old person | There was a young fellow] of Leeds [Rashly | Who] swallowed a package of seeds. In a month his poor ass Was all covered with grass And he couldn't sit down for the weeds.
A lecherous student of Leeds, One day had to pay for misdeeds. When a man with a gun, Said, "You'll marry her, son - You must harvest, when you sow the seeds."
There once was a lecher of Leeds, Who did up his privates in tweeds. With a zipper installed To keep them close-hauled, Or released for his amorous [needs | deeds].
A marriage adviser in Leeds Said, "What your wife patently needs Is husbandly passion In every know fashion With a nice variation in speeds."
When a lusty old Abbess from Leeds, Was discovered one day, in the weeds [Fondling | Astride] a young nun, [S]he said, 'Christ! This is fun! Far better than [fingering | telling one's] beads!'
There is a young fellow from Leeds Whose skin is so thin his cock bleeds. Whenever erect, This dermal [defect | effect] Often scares him from sowing his seeds.
A curvacious young lady named Leeman, Refused naval dates with much screamin'. In was not that the army, Was any more charmy, But the gal was allergic to semen.
There was a young lady from Leeper, Who was raped by an ape in her sleeper. When nine months were through, She called up the zoo, And gave the results to the keeper.
Strong men have begun to be leery Of taking on lissome Miss Dearie. While her tail's a delight, It needs plugging all night, And by morning a guy's mighty weary.
There was a young fellow from Lees, Who handled his tool with great ease. This continual friction Made his sex a mere fiction, But the callus hangs down to his knees.
There was a young lady named Lees Whose tits were as small as two peas. When a boy started kissing, He thought they were missing, So he kissed in the place where she pees.
Since Hebrew's read from right to left, Then Bethlehem is mehelhteB. If this at home you learn, You'll have when you return A rettab yats ni vivA let.
left - see chagrin
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Indexleg - see depressed
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IndexLe Hay - see Bombay
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IndexThere was an Old Man of Leghorn, The smallest that ever was born; But quickly snapped up he Was once by a puppy. Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
A hypocritical bastard named Legman When drinking piss-highballs puts egg in 'em. If he tells you you're queer To enjoy pissless beer, Just say to him, 'Quit pulling my leg, man!'
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IndexSaid a lass to a lecher named Legman: "Get up off you knees, and don't beg, man. With your tongue in my pussy, And your necktie all juicy, You look like a butter-&-egg man."
To a diffident fellow named Legman, A broad whinnied, "Please, must I beg, Man, Like this for a lay? I'm willing to pay, Just to sample the joys of your peg, Man!"
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IndexSTUBBORN
In a rough Antwerp bar, Tante Lena Plays organa on her concertina. When requests come for Bruch, Lena scowls, and drinks hooch. She thinks parallel fifths are much cleaner.
A worn-out young husband named Lehr, Heard daily his wife's plaintive prayer: 'Slip on a sheath, quick, Then slip your big dick Between these lips covered with hair.'
All tourists Hawaii - a lei. Temptation they then must allay. Those wits that are dim Will lei synonym While others with more class will Ole.
There was an old lady of Leicester, Whose numerous ailments obsessed her. She found no allure In an M. and B. cure, And sedatives simply depressed her.
Leicester - see Chester
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IndexThere was a old lady of Leicester, And no man had ever caressed her. And all day she'd wriggle And giggle and jiggle, As though seven devils possessed her.
There was a young lady from Leicester Who allowed the young men to molest her. For a kiss and a squeeze She would spread both her knees, And she'd strip to the buff if they pressed her.
There was a young lady from Lester, Who allowed all the boys to molest her. She was gentle and kind, But those traits, you may find, Spread diseases that burn, itch and fester.
There was a young lady of Leicester Who had an idea which obseicester; When she felt in the mood, She'd run round in the nude, And wonder why no-one posseicester.
Leicester - see Chester
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IndexThere was a young fellow named Leif, Whose erection was swollen but brief. He would end in despair With a handful of hair, And a big bite of tit in his teeth!
There was a young plumber of Leigh Who was plumbing a[his] maid [wench, girl] by the sea. Said she "Cease[Stop] your plumbing, There's somebody[I hear someone] coming". Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me".
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IndexThere was a young person of Leigh, Who was either a he or a she. I think it's terrific To be non-specific Gender-wise, don't you agree?
There was a young lady from Leigh Who slipped into church for a pee. Without any malice She pissed in the chalice While singing the Agnus Dei.
That wench from Leigh-upon-sea Said "Birth control don't worry me For while lying in Arran I found I was barren." "Come on," said the plumber, "Let's see."
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IndexI once had a friend called Leila Who thought blokes at Madras did dismay her. She examined their thoughts And became quite distraught On finding their aim was to lay her.
There was an old woman of Leith, Who had a sad pain in her teeth; But the blacksmith uncouth Scared the pain from her tooth, Which rejoiced the old woman of Leith,
There was a young Scotsman named Leith, Caught gobbling the goop on the heath. But he broke jail, by Jove, With a rope that he wove Out of hairs that he plucked from his teeth.
There was a young woman of Leith Who skinned sailors' pricks with her teeth. It wasn't for money Or anything funny But just for the cheese underneath.
Squire Tupham, the bailiff of Leith, Buggers pixies who dwell on the heath. But his runcible dong Is so terribly long, He urinates right through their teeth.
There was a young man from Le Havre, Who cornered a lovely cadaver. And though our young Stanley Realized it unmanly, He knew when he wished he could have her.
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IndexThere was a great Marxist called Lenin, Who did two or three million men in; That's a lot to have done in, But where he did one in, That great Marxist Stalin did ten in.
There once was a girl named Lenore, Whose occupation was that of a whore. Till Hung Hugo stretched her, From here to Manchester, Now Lenore ain't a whore any more.
A cowboy, by birthright a Leo, Once met a young lady from Rio. A full night and a day, They spent in the hay, And now the poor cowboy can't pee-o.
At Mills, a professor named Leon, Taught heresies most Manichean. Quoth the girls, "Though it's pleasant, Lets disdain this crude peasant; Or, as the Mexicans say, "Peon Leon!"
There once was a peon named Leon Who had such a face you could pee on. When he said, "Si, si," We all made pee-pee On the face of that peon named Leon.
A little French poodle named Leon Was looking for something to pee on. With human acumen He picked Harry Truman Upon which we all can agree on.
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IndexThere was an old hag named Le Sueur Who was just an out-and-out whore. Between her big teats You could come for two bits, And she'd fuck in any old sewer.
There is a fair girl at Le Sueur, Whose upper lip's covered with fur. Yet this adds but a charm, To her father' big farm, And the bachelors run after her.
It's a boil, not a cancerous lesion, And for treatment it just needs a squeezin'; So don't make such a fuss, It's just great globs of pus. For Blue Shield - catastrophic diseasen.
There was a young fairy named Lessing Whose fastidiousness was distressing. He met many a lad Who could have been had, But found their prepuces unprepossessing.
There was a young lady from Lessing, Whose cock eating ways were distressing. She would insert the head, 'Twixt two slices of bread, And munch it without any dressing.
He was giving the girl her first lesson, Hoping head would become her obsession. But he pushed her away, Saying, "That's not the way! 'Blow me' is just an expression."
There was a young lady from Lester, Who allowed her young men to molest her. When they shouted abuse, She'd take off her shoes, But she'd take off much more when they pressed her.
Lester - see Chester
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IndexA meticulous young dean named Lester, Took a girl to his rooms and undressed her. Then took out some charts, And compared all her parts, With the norms for the current semester.
There once was a lady hand-letterer, Who thought of a program to better her. She hand lettered each Of the parts she could reach, The bosom, the navel, et cetera.
Levant - see Nahant
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IndexA seamstress named Bertha Levine, Caught her breast in her sewing machine. She found, with a shudder, That stitched on her udder, Was "God Bless Our Home," done in green.
There was young man named Levine Who said to his lady, inclined, "Thanks for the spasm, It felt like orgasm; As a matter of fact, it was divine."
The Wright Brothers, dreaming of levity, Made a flight of nonsensical brevity. The engine's bad shudder Was caused by the rudder, And threatened the couple's longevity.
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IndexA fellow baned William John Lew, Got more hairy each year as he grew. Unable one day To shave it away, He sighed, "Call me Winnie-the-Pooh!"
A circus midget named Lew Once asked the fat lady to screw. Said she, "I don't mind, But I think you will find Your father-in-law's not quite through."
There was a young longhorn named Lew, Whose card read, "Have doodle. Will do." But the best he could doodle, Looked like a wet noodle, In a shoot-out with my sister Sue.
Revelations - we've come to the lewd, The risque, the bawdy, the rude, And all those narrations Of sex aberrations I'm certain you all have eschewed.
A hardware store worker, though lewd, With tools was inventive and shrewd. The machine that mixed paint Brought her close to a faint And she twice came completely unscrewed.
A limerick is best when it's lewd, Gross, titillating, and crude. But this one is clean - Unless you are seen Reading it aloud in the nude.
To Italy went Sinclair Lewis, Documenting the life led by loose American drunks, But he unpacked his trunks, 'Cause Florence slipped him a goose.
If you crossed a young intern, Lewinsky, With a man by the name of Kaczynski, Then the blow jobs you'd get Would be dynamite! Yet, You might end up without a fore-skin-ski!
Little Monica Lewinsky Got a dribble or two on her chinsky. Now Bill's in hot water, As quite well he oughter, For giving her the ol' out and insky!
Lewisham Junction - see Nottingham Junction
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IndexThree wonderful people called Ley; There's Hen and there's Bench and there's Hea. Hen wrote jingoistic verse, Bench wrote Jaws, which is worse, And the less said the better of Hea.
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IndexThere was a young farmer from Leyhill, Went to shit on the top of a high hill. When his friends asked him, "Was it A pleasing deposit?" He said, "Vox et praeterea nihil."
I come from a long line of liars. Both granddads were Civil-war fliers. Dad wrote War and Peace, Plus he co-starred in Grease. And my uncle invented the pliers.
Q. Flaccus in his third liber: 'The Romans have no wood-pulp fiber. A crapulent quorum Will squat in the Forum And heave dirty stones in the Tiber.'
A renegade priest from Liberia Whose morals were clearly inferior Once did to a nun What he shouldn't have done, And now she's a Mother Superior.
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IndexThere was a young man from Liberia, Who was groping a wench from Nigeria. He said, "Say, my pet, Your panties are wet." "Sorry sir, that's my interior."
There was a young man from Liberia, Who was forced to flee to the interior. He'd buggered a brother, His father and mother; But considered his sisters inferior.
A lady philologist (Libra), Was raped by an oversexed zebra. She cried out in anguish, In every known languish, Including Swahili and Hebra.
There once was a quiet librarian, A sweet little octogenarian Who behaved with aplomb - That is, till she got home (Where she turned into quite a barbarian!).
lice - see hair
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IndexNow don't be afraid to start lickin'; Perhaps you prefer they just stick 'em? The front or the back; A romp in the sack. It's time, girl, to get that tongue flickin'!
licken' - see fart
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IndexROAD SHOW
When Orpheus played his best licks In the regions of Hades, his tricks Didn't please folks too well. After all, this was Hell, And it's hard to tour, out in the Styx.
Liddicoat - see Limerick
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IndexSays a showgirl who works at the Lido, "I've accepted a flexible credo: I support women's rights, But there are frankly, nights When the lib that I flaunt is libido."
This husband told a very big lie. To his gullible housewife named Vy. "This girl slipped in slime, But I caught her in time. That's how lipstick got smeared on my fly!"
Joseph led a real gourmet's life. (Though he always ate peas with his knife.) When the cook cried out, "Sir! Try this great pot-au-feu," Old Joseph tried Potiphar's wife.
life - see Fife
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Indexlife - see horse
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Indexlife - see NG
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IndexAny whore whose door sports a red light Knows a prick when she sees one, all right. She can tell by a glance At the drape of men's pants If they're worth taking on for the night.
Her face was as red as the light That shows in her window at night. This poor working girl Was new at the whirl, Though eager to please and excite.
When my heart was youthful and light, I frequently had the insight That seegars and stogies Were strictly for fogies. (The mirror reveals I was right.)
A youth who seduced a poor lighterman, Said, "I'd much sooner fuck than I'd fight a man, And although, Sir, I find You're very good grind, I must say I've had a much tighter man."
At midnight he turned out the lights, While she quickly slipped out of her tights. Then noisy bed-squeaking, Low moans, breathless speaking - Thus man celebrates his sex rites!
A teenage protester named Lil Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill. First they bugged our martinis, Our bras and bikinis, And now they are bugging the pill."
To her gardener, a lady called Liliom, Said: 'Billy, plant roses and trillium.' Then [she] started to fool With the gardener's tool, And wound up in the bed of Sweet William.
At a nudist camp, sweet little Lillian, Was slated to lead the cotillion. This made her so proud, That to shine in the crowd, She painted her nipples vermillion.
A larking young lady named Lillian, Protruded her tongue at a Chilean. Her mother said, pleading, "Remember your breeding. That trick is distinctly reptilian."
A lecherous young Lilliputian Made advances, his feet on a cutian; But, although fully erect, He failed to connect, However hard he was putian.
Lillium - see Liliom
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IndexThere once was a lady called Lil[l]y, With a craving to walk Piccadilly; She said: 'Ain't it funny? It's not [to make | for the] money, But men think my refusing it silly!'
There once was a horse named Lily Whose dingus was really a dilly. It was vaginoid duply, And labial quadruply - In fact he was really a filly.
There was a young lady of Lima Whose life was as fast as a steamer. She played dirty tricks With a large crucifix Till the spunk trickled right down her femur.
As he struggled to heaven from limbo, Dante murmured to Beatrice, his bimbo, "Sure, you want to scrimmage, But think of my image, Don't lie with your pussy akimbo."
Comic verse of the type that's limerical, Proves to be, often times, anticlerical. A saintly old minister Is depicted as sinister, And is filled with lust quite hysterical.
Limeraiku
All hail to the town of Limerick Which provides a cognomen, generic, For a species of verse Which, for better or worse, Is supported by laymen and cleric.
Mary wrote a "limerick", Which was a crashing bore. Its feet, they were not anapest. Its lines were only four.
There wasa young farmer of Limerick Who started one day to trim a rick. The fates gave a frown, The rick tumbled down, And killed him - I don't know a grimmer trick.
There was a young lady of Limerick Who stole from a farmer named Tim a rick; When the priest at the altar Suggested a halter, She fled from the county of Limerick
The wife of young Richard of Limerick Complained to her husband, 'My quim, Rick, Still grows in diameter Each time that you ram her; How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?'
There once was a development called Limerick, Where homes, when for sale, sold very quick. With its manicured grass, Subtle touches of class, If you passed on buying one, you must feel sick! They were built by a developer called Liddicoat, Who, from Pierre du Pont Hayward got a note, To develop the land, That once belonged to his clan, But to keep the appearance looking oh-so-remote. Liddycoat built not one, but forty. With identical trim, they looked sporty! Keeping the look all the same, The new neighborhood found fame, Among the Morans, the Bakers and Dohertys. The Levitts' neighbors - the Burnses next door Knew house-hunting could be a chore. She liked the home from first bound, He soon too came around, Dropping hopes for a house at the shore. Limerick homes are all custom inside. Spacious hallways are airy and wide. Master bedrooms? There are two. Fireplaces with flues. Are the bedrooms in front? You decide. Prices of Limerick town houses are steep. To live here isn't real cheap. Acerage is oh-point-one-seven, For a small slice of heaven. If you can live here, you're on top of the heap. A civic association? Not around. Still good will and friendship abound. With Christmas parties each year, And a fall fest, it's clear That complaints are a seldom heard sound. They say more construction is slated, But the plans are slightly belated. Neighbors all seem to agree It will be a neat sight to see, The entire development sated.
We all should know that a limerick, Is a psychological gimmerick. Through our defences it peels 'Til our psyche reveals, And we laugh at ourselves 'til we hemmerick.
It is said that the name comes from Limerick (A place that's Hibernian, not Cymric:) I'm not too impressed And beg to suggest That the legend is probably chimeric.
TURN, TURN THEN THINE EYES
Whilst directing King Arthur in Limerick, Purcell showed all the lasses his large . When he finally was caught, He protested "Tis not What you think, tis really my walking stick."
Limericks about limericks
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I just found this newsgroup of limericks. It is where I get all my kicks. Daily Ditty's are best, They beat all the rest, Will you please post some I missed?
There once was a Newsgroup 'bout Lim'ricks Made up of good people and big pricks But assholes galore said "Make Money More" And ruined our fun little tricks.
A sadist who lived in Limoges, Used to beat up his wife with his hose. He declared, "It is fun Before I've begun To warm her from scalp-lock to toes."
None could better our sex limousine, With its neat, built-in Fucking Machine. Diesel-powered, this connects To suit either sex, And adjusts to the fat and the lean.
So long is my stretch limousine, My chauffeur - I think his name's Gene - Sits so far from me But no stranger, he, For on U TURNS his face I have seen.
An astronomer's swift limousine, Went through a red light in Racine. He was going so fast, That the light which he passed, Through the Doppler effect, showed as green.
Said the Chinese philosopher, Lin: "To trouble to work is a sin. In bed I shall stay, And the toil of the day Will be finished before I begin."
An effeminate fellow from Lincoln One night did some serious drincoln, Met a gal, now his wife, Learned the true facts of life, And blesses the day he got sincoln.
There was a young lady of Lincoln Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, So she had a prick lent her Which turned it magenta, This artful old [sic] lady of Lincoln.
There was a young woman named Linda, Who did it in front of the winda. The guys passing by Would give her the eye, But she didn't allow it to hinda.
If inside a circle a line Hits the center and goes spine to spine And the line's length is "d" the circumference will be d times 3.14159
While jumping the next lady in line, My rod was feeling just fine. But in the next minute, I stumbled and bent it, And the last became first for a time.
A limerick has only five lines The first two and last one all rhyme. Lines four and three Also rhyme perfectly. While the rythm is somewhat like mine.
A There was a young bounder named Link, Who possessed a very tart dink. To sweeten it some He steeped it in rum, And he's driven the ladies to drink.
King Richard was called Lionheart, But he fell for a sixpenny tart. The girl herself said, When he crawled in her bed, That the best he could do was to fart.
Robert Browning's The Last Ride Together
'Is it thou?' 'Ay,' cries Fra Lippo Lippi, ''Zooks, lass, 'tis confoundedly nippy. But slip out of your gown And I'll give you a crown Or two more, but we'd best make it slippy.' So they up and went at it like knives, Or they humped (shall I say it?) 's though their lives Were dependent on what They performed and they got To the climax in just tenty drives. Of the Loins. She sighed: 'Flower of the vine, My God! You are perfectly mine. 'Tis enough. Keep your gold But, my love, I grow cold. Where's 'e gone? Where's my gown? Brrr, you swine!'
There once was a man who drank liquor. Now he can get it all quicker. He'll buy it on credit. On his grave they will tread it: Our problems get sicker and sicker.
There was a wine merchant of Lisbon, Who made by his vineyard a great sum; But looking, one day, In a tub, the wrong way, Up to his neck fell the merchant of Lisbon.
list - see chagrin
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IndexShe grabbed both my ears and cried, "Listen! You're driving me wild with your kissin'. So close, but oh my! Just a few inches high-- Move down or you'll make me start pissin'!"
A talkative fellow named Lister, Went walking one day with his sister. A bull with one poke, Tossed her into an oak, And 'twas six weeks before Lister missed her.
There was a young lady named Liston, Whose cunt was as big as a piston. But an able mechanic, Who was not one to panic, Fucked her twice with his foot and his fist in.
"Oh sweet mistress mine of Listowell, I love you with body and soul. If your teeth were your own, And your shape not a cone, I'd say you'd be nice, on the whole."
[A piano composer | There was a pianist] named Liszt, [Who] played with one hand while he pissed. But as he grew older His technique grew bolder, And, in concert, jacked off with his fist.
Try playing the music of Liszt. You might think the composer was drunk. But his keyboard technique Was at least as unique As the technique of Johannes Brahms.
Beethoven, Mozart and Liszt Are only infrequently hissed. But the prommers go manic On listening to Panic And mutter: 'That's one to be missed.'
A concert musician named Liszt Had a strange anatomical twist. It hung to his knees, And swung in the breeze, But it only would work when he pissed.
There was a composer named Liszt, Whose music no one could resist. When he swept the keyboard Nobody could be bored; And now that he's gone, he is missed.
Literary limericks
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IndexThere was an Old Man, who when little Fell casually into a kettle; But, growing too stout, he could never get out, So he passed all his life in that kettle.
A lady from Old Little Rock In fidelity took little stock, And deserted her man In the streets of Japan For a boy with a prehensile cock.
Daily Ditty 81 Saturday, 6 September 1997
In each of my previous lives I had numrerous girlfriends and wives Who in each incarnation Bore the next generation Into which my dead spirit revives But the last time around I did not; I wasted my time smoking pot I forgot to beget So I'm not quite here yet, Someone else is here filling my slot So don't bitch if the verse is too weighty, Someone ELSE wrote the previous eighty, And now eighty-one: While I've just begun A spirit vacation in Haiti.
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IndexThere once was a femme named Liz, Who desired the top position in Biz. She cheated on hubby, With the big boys did rubby - It's "bottom's up" since the affair lost its fizz.
A man who was out with his Liz, Said, "Baby, let's get down to biz." Said she, "That cain't be, Less you'se stronger'n me, But, honey, I reckon you is."
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IndexFor a carrousel ride went dumb lizzy, And its speed sent her into a tizzy - The centrifugal force Hurled poor Liz from her horse And into a ditch that was busy.
There is a poor creature named Lizzie, Whose pictures are dear at a tizzie; And of this the great proof Is that all stand aloof From paying that sum unto Lizzie.
There once was a young lady named Lizzy, So pretty she'd make the boys dizzy. An achiever in school; This gal is no fool; But sure gets her mom in a tizzy.
Perhaps you've not played with young llamas Clad loosely in black silk pajamas. A tight Viet Cong Backing into your dong: The ultimate war flashback drama.
There was a young girl from Llandudno, Who married a batsman from Tudno. His midstump was small, He had no balls at all. What he'd called the match for she'd nud know.
There was a young man of Llanelly Who played the piano on the telly. His tinkling scales Delighted all Wales, But the folk of Llanelly ethpethially
A young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyll While bent over plucking a dingle Had the whole Eisteddfod Taking turns at his pod While they sang some impossible jingle.
There was a young girl of Llewellen Whose [breasts | tits] were as big as a melon. They were big, it is true, But her cunt was big too, Like a [bifocal, full-color, aerial] view of [Cape Horn and] the Straits of Magellan
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IndexIn a meadow a man named Llewellyn Had a dream he was bundling with Helen. When he woke he discovered A bull had him covered With ballocks as big as a melon.
They sat in his little old Lloyd Frustrated, and hot, and annoyed; But enough of palaver: He attempted to have 'er And the car was entirely destroyed.
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IndexThere was a young curate called Lloyd, Who was seldom, if ever, annoyed; Although you might poke him, You could never provoke him - His sang was so terribly froid.
A queer fellow went bumming at Lloyd's, But now all his friends he avoids. As a gay homosexual He was most ineffectual, And is now nursing wet hemorrhoids.
While repairing my new LNA
While repairing my new LNA An alien had something to say. I was not off long And then he was gone And he hasn't been heard to this day.
loath - see Just
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IndexWe treat Mary (of unknown locality) And her lamb without proper formality. Let me ask: Do we view A young ram or a ewe? Just pure Love? Or a budding bestiality?
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IndexSaid Wellington: 'What's the location Of this battle I've won for the nation?' They replied 'Waterloo.' He said: 'That'll do, What a glorious name for a station.'
There was a young man of Loch Leven Who went for a walk about seven He fell into a pit That was brimful of shit And now the poor bugger's in heaven.
A visitor once at Loch Ness Met the monster, who left him a mess; They returned his entrails By the regular mails And the rest of the stuff by express.
There was a young fellow named Lock[e] Who was born with a two-headed cock. When he'd fondle the thing It would rise up and sing An antiphonal chorus by Bach. But whether these two ever met Has not been recorded as yet - Still, it would be diverting To see him inserting His whang while it sang a duet.
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IndexThere's a gay prison chaplain named Locke With a weakness for hard convict cock. For his assholy ways In his Alcatraz days, He was nicknamed "The Piece of The Rock"
A paleontologist, Locke, Found a fossilized Jurassic cock. "Is it a Tyrannosaurus? It's long, black and porous - And Damn! It's still hard as a rock!"
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IndexDid you hear about young Henry Lockett? He was blown down the street by a rocket. The force of the blast Blew his balls up his ass, And his pecker was found in his pocket.
lockout - see biography
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IndexA chap with a weakness for locks Was making a tour of Fort Knox, When he spotted a fault In the door of a vault, And abstracted a dozen gold blocks.
Said a point being approached by a locus, "I consider this sheer hocus-pocus. What good will it do me If it never gets to me? Will someone please tell it to focus."
A cautious fellow named Lodge Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. When his date was strapped in He committed a sin Without even leaving the g'rage.
A matron who had an old lodger, Spent the night curling up with this codger. Though she cooed, "You're invited," She remained unrequited, And it took him till dawn to dislodge 'er.
A flighty young lady from Loddon Fell into a pond and got sodden, She took off her clothes Then powdered her nose, And went home feeling thoroughly modern.
There once was a girl named Lolita, Who liked to sip shots of tequila. She would drink it all day, Through the whole month of May, While watching old tapes of "Evita".
A twelve-year-old nymphet, Lolita, Was an expert at eating a peter. She demurely would say, "I shall chew it all day. I'm a slow but fastidious eater."
A rebuke by the Bishop of London To his randy young dean, Dr John Donne: 'In the Name, Sir, of God, peace, If you won't wear a cod-piece, Don't preach with your fly-buttons undone.'
A prostitute living in London, Went pantless, with zippers all undone. She'd explain, "Well, you see I can do two or three, While Ruby, next door's getting one done."
There was a great merchant of London In whose house was a great deal of fun done, At Christmas and Easter; I'd lay you a tester, He was the drollest of merchants in London.
Are you elderly, sex-starved or lonely? We can help you, Just write "Tone Me." At Gateshead-on-tyne We stock every line Of sex aid - best quality only.
John Bobbitt was never a loner. In fact, he was known as a roamer. His wife seized his prize, And cut him to size. Now he is his own organ donor.
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IndexOur novels get longa and longa; Their language gets stronga and stronga; There's much to be said For a life that is led In illiterate places like Bonga.
longer - see eve
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IndexThere once was a chick named Longet, Who went out to Aspen to play. Along came a Spyder, And sat down beside her, And she blew the poor bastard away.
A three-letter man on Long Island, (Fag) Did a four-letter word on Fire Island (Fuck) With disastrous effects - Now he's practicing sex With a five-letter gal out in Thailand.
There's a singer in Long Island City Whose form is impressively pretty; She is often addressed By the name of 'Beau Chest', Which is thought to be tasteful and witty.
An old G.I. custom long-rooted Is to entering fledglings well-suited In every latrine A bright sign is seen: 'Stand close, the next guy may be barefooted.'
Longshoreman - see biography
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IndexChristie Brinkley, I know, has a loo; And the toilet is spanking brand new, For she has no need, As it's guaranteed That she doesn't poo poo pee doo.
There was an Old Person of Loo, Who said, "What on earth shall I do?" When they said, "Go away!" She continued to stay, That vexatious Old Person of Loo.
Said an Eskimo missie named Big Loo, "Little man, won't you come to my igloo?" The little man ran All the way to Japan, At the bare thought of having to dig Loo.
Australian Wildlife
There's an emerald frog down the loo; Please beware ot the funnel-web who Lies in wait by the door; Snakes breed under the floor, And your supper of shark could eat you.
Looe - see Kew
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IndexLooe - see chums
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IndexAbou asked, as he sneaked a quick look, "What you writing in that big gold book?" The angel screamed, "Ben! You ask once again, And I'll take your name off the list, schnook."
Daily Ditty 80 Friday, 5 September 1997
Said the Brakeman, "Your couplings' too loose!" To the Hangman, adjusting the noose Said the Hangman, "Don't fret! The last jerk that you get They'll applaud even in the caboose!"
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Indexloose - see fart
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IndexThere once was an eminent Lord Whose misfortunes all men deplored. Though born long ago He still carried in tow Six yards of umbilical cord.
A sky-diving couple named Lord, Decided to screw while they soared. They got so excited While flying united, They never did pull the rip cord.
Lord - see Graces
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Indexlore - see say
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IndexThere was a gal nemed Lorena, Whose husband grew meaner and meaner. She said, "Now John Wayne, You're causing me pain, Perhaps you'll be nicer when leaner."
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IndexA lonely old maid named Loretta Sent herself an anonymous letter, Quoting Ellis on sex, And Oedipus Rex, And exclaimed, 'I already feel better.'
Loretta - see Etta
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IndexLorraine - see Spain
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IndexLorraine - see Czechs
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IndexT.S. Eliot is quite at a loss When clubwomen bustle across At literary teas, Crying: 'What, if you please, Did you mean by The Mill on the Floss?'
loss - see mire
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IndexDon't think it will fall to your lot To get what you like; it will not; But if you're heroic, And follow the Stoic, You'll fancy you'll like what you've got.
The Sky's are a pitiful lot, There's Chom, and there's Spas, and there's Trot. Trot chose the wrong lobby, Spas flunked out to Bobby, And the structures of Chom are all rot.
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IndexThe nurse said "I thank you a lot." After the fellow had peed in the pot "But this isn't enough ... I need more of this stuff. "But it's all," he said, "that I've got".
A biblical worthy named Lot, Lived out where the action was hot. Those guys out in Sodom? Other guys had all rode 'em, Till God noticed and said, "Thou shalt not."
Daily Ditty 191 Christmas Day 1997
Though the Gospels do tell us a lot About Christ there is much they forgot: Did some lovely miss Ever give Him a kiss, Or was Judas the best that he got? What did Jesus do while he was growing? (I'll skip THAT part without even slowing!) Did He get some ass From some willing young lass Or go to the Cross never knowing? Well, this subject has some people pissed Just one thought before it's dismissed: Besides walking on water Had He son or a daughter? (His mid-life is shrouded in mist) As a hybrid, was Jesus Christ sterile? As a man, was he robust and virile? Did his Dad's DNA Ever come into play For a third generation referral? And if so, maybe you (even me!) Might belong on God's own family tree Perhaps you Devout Can figure this out, I admit it's a bit much for me It's a fact that our mother's grandmothers At some point relate to all others Despite all our quibblings We're really all siblings Merry Christmas, dear Sisters and Brothers!
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IndexA brilliant young lady named Lotty Was suddenly acting quite dotty. Experts said there's no doubt What it was all about Was too early training at potty.
A sweet little old lady named Lou, Has got me all worried and blue. She's one of those gals That fucks all your pals, Then makes all your girlfriends too!
A loathsome young lady named Lou, Had titties that hung to her shoe. And her cunt was a wow, For it sagged like a cow, And when fucked from behind she would moo.
In Vegas a hooker named Lou, Ran a number with one gent, then two. When a third ask to play, She said, "Well, OK. But that does it. Rien ne vas plus."
The Gravedigger's Lament
Oh, you ran out on me, Cindy Lou, But you'll come back to me, they always do. And you won't be so gay, When I laying you away, And I shovel dirt on you, Cindy Lou.
There once was a sperm cell named Lou, Who dreamed that an egg tryst was due. But his dream proved a dud, For his swinging host's pud Trysted off in the mouth of one Sue!
With a leap on the lady named Lou, He flamed up her arse with his goo. Ere her limbs frigidly Stiffened too rigidly, He dealt her a murderous screw!
A brash adolescent named Lou, Had just had his very first screw. "It's the 'in' thing, a bang, Louie bragged to his gang, "Like a wonderful wet dream come true!"
A young black boxer, Joe Louis, Who buggered a bastardly Jewess, He said with a sigh As his engine went dry, "I wonder where all of my goo is."
A functional programmer named Louis Said 'In Clean I can process a GUI But what I really hate Is the absence of state, But I've heard that the've added that for me.'
The team of Tom and Louise Do an act in the nude on their knees. They crawl down the aisle While fucking dog-style, And the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
But hooray! for our girl named Louise, Who broke wind every time she would sneeze; The blast from her ass Is all high-octane gas, And she goes jet-propelled on her skis!
A full-breasted girl named Louise Had a habit of pulling her chemise, To a point well above Her object of love, For any sucker who'd get on his knees.
There once was a girl named Louise Whose cunt hair hung down to her knees. The crabs in her twat Tied the hair in a knot, And constructed a flying trapeze.
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IndexThere was a young girl named Louise, With a marvelous vaginal squeeze. She inspired such pleasure In her lover's yard measure, That she caused his untimely [decease | demise].
Louise - see Dumfries
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IndexA sailor from near Lake Louise, Was so bitten by chiggers and fleas, He applied kerosene And set fire to his skin. He's now sailing over the trees!
An unfortunate lass named Louise, Unlooses huge farts with each sneeze. She attracts quite a crowd When they rip out so loud, That she blushes clear down to her knees.
A fat acrobat named Louise, Was arrested while on a trapeeze, For daring to bare Her rump in the air And floating spare parts in the breeze. The cop then said to Louise, "You're a health hazard Ma'm, if you freeze Folks not only will stare At your pink derriere, You'll fall on the crowd if you sneeze." Louise then said to the Rozzer, "You're causing a heck of a bozzer It would have been better If after he met her, Your muzzer had married your fozzer" When asked, his muzzer then said, 'Young rozzer, your fozzer and I were too wed, Just not to each uzzer' Continued his muzzer, 'I married his bruzzer instead' So you see, my sweet little cop, Your fozzer's not really your Pop, No, that is anuzzer, Indeed it's his bruzzer, Who works at the Fish and Chips shop.' 'There he wraps things both greasy and fishy, Some hard as a rock and some squishy, But it ain't no joke That I still find the bloke, To be, might I say, rahther dishy' The cop then replied to Louise, "You're a fine one to talk, if you please, From what you do It is seen to be true That your ancestors swung from the trees. While at the station, Louise Did what she could to please A handsome young cop, By removing her top, But he'd have none of her sleaze. A sergeant, a lecherous old coot, Said - with a copply salute - 'Lady, don't stop With removing your top, Not when your bottom's so cute' The Magistrate ruled, with a sneeze, That the Fat Lady Aerialist, Louise, Had disgraced her profession, And taught her a lesson, Three months in the jug, if you please. Louise's shyster jumped up like a shot, "You can't do that, just right on the spot, I demand, sir, of you Twelve MEN (heh, heh) good and true, To decide if she's guilty or not." Said the jury, quite taken by storm By her milky, magnificent form, "Your Honor, please work us While we're at the circus, We think we should watch her perform." Louise chose her costume with care, Selecting for something to wear A diaphanous thing Made of sequins and string, That made it appear she was bare. She juggled three melons between Breasts larger than any they'd seen, They'd find it hard tellin' A breast from a melon, Had not all the melons been green. Below her the jury observes, Impressed by the steel of her nerves, They gasp as she hung From the bar by her tongue, While eating strawberry preserves. She then licked her lips (that was dumb), And with a cry of "Yum yum yum yum yum", She lost hold of the bar And fell ever so far, To land in the circus' bass drum. She remounted her ladder quite soon, Climbing high as they struck up a tune, Hearing people rejoice At the bandleader's choice: "By the Light of the Silvery Moon". An enormous gorilla named Fletcher Was employed as the acrobat's catcher, But his strength, although great, Was no match for her weight, And they carried him out on a stretcher. But that's really not what went wrong, The beast heard the band's happy song, And the poor, dumb thing swooned Upon being mooned, And fell like a lovesick King Kong. That fat acrobat named Louise, She liked to go on the trapeeze, Then a big scary bear Bit her rump in the air, And the spare parts went flying to Belize. Then a cable looped into a crimp, And she fell and developed a limp, So she made a concession, As a part-time profession, She would hire herself out as a blimp. Breathing helium, Louise observes She can fly, so she swoops and she swerves, Although feeling abused Being roundly accused, Of depleting strategic reserves. Primates, the he's and the she's, Evolved (climbing down from the trees) To the highest life form, Pray tell, what is the norm? Why, that fat acrobat named Louise.
Louise - see Bundt
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IndexThere lived in French Louisiana A quaint and [deceived | demented] old duenna, Who naively thought That a penis was wrought To be [et | chomped] like a thick, ripe banana.
There was a young lady of Louth Who returned from a trip to the South. Her [father | mother | Papa] said, 'Nelly, There's more in your belly Than ever went in by your mouth.'
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IndexThere was a young fellow named Louvies, Who tickled his girl in the boovies, And as she contorted, He looked down and snorted, "My prick wants to get in your movies!"
Leda, thinking no Swan could make love, Laid two white eggs: warmed by the stove, One hatched Helen of Troy. Whilst her double-yolked joy Produced Castor and Pollux - by Jove.
There once was a girl so lovely, Who wanted to make love in the bubbly. She strapped on her tanks, And started her pranks, But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
A primate, in search of a lover, Had a fling with the curator's mother; And the progeny, Joe, When grown up had to know, "Is it true that I'm my keeper's brother?"
Frankie and Johnny were lovers, Especially under the covers. When she pulled out his trigger She said, "Mmm, what a frigger! But it makes so many girls mothers."
A plumber from Lowater Creek Was called in by a dame[to a girl] with a leak She looked so becoming He fixed all her plumbing And didn't emerge for a week
A daredevil skater named Lowe Leaps barrels arranged in the snow But is proudest of doing Some incredible screwing, Since he's jumped13 girls in a row!
An eccentric old spinster named Lowell Announced to her friends, 'Bless my sowell, I've gained so much weight I am sorry to state I fear that I'm going to fowell.'
This beautiful harlot from Lubies, Won fame for possessing two rubies. It's not big red stones, That makes her so known, It's the nipples on her mountainous, white boobies!
There was a Young Lady of Lucca, Whose lovers completely forsook her; She ran up a tree, And said, "Fiddle-de-dee!" Which embarrassed the people of Lucca.
There once was this girl named Lucille, Who ate snacks between every meal. She became so inflated, Her boyfriend related, "I could no longer find it to feel!"
There's a woman whose name is Lucille, Who, whenever she chooses to peel, Discloses a skin One would love to get in, For the sake of its wonderful feel.
There was an old maid from Luck, Who took it into her head to fuck. She was about to resign 'Till she hung out a sign: "Come in, I've decided to suck."
There was a woman with some luck; and invited a man for some duck. After dinner they went to a bed and she said "Move over" and he fell off the truck.
A pregnant girl down on her luck, With a child didn't want to be stuck. So to vent all her anger She took a coat hanger, And saved herself four hundred bucks.
Said a maid: 'I will marry for lucre.' And her scandalized ma almost shucre; But when the chance came, And she told the old dame, I noticed she didn't rebucre.
A ticklish young titter named Lucy Cried, "I'm not only ticklish, I'm goosey. A thumb in my bum Makes me peepee and come, And does my cunt ever get juicy!"
There was an old maid from Luck, Who took it into her head to fuck. She was about to resign 'Till she hung out a sign: "Come in, I've decided to suck."
A cheerful old party of Lucknow, Remarked, "I should just like a fuck now!" So he had one and spent, And said, "I'm content. By no means am I so cunt-struck now."
The wife of the raider Von Luckner Admitted her husband was stuckner. She oft went to sea with him In order to be with him, And to give him the pleasure of fuckner.
There was a young mate of a lugger, Who took out a girl just to hug her. "I've my monthlies," she said, "And a cold in the head, But my bowels work well ... Do you bugger?"
A serious-minded young lugger Surprised all when he went out for rugger, Till they found he spent hours Stripped off in the showers, Persuading the whole team to bugger.
An old window washer named Luigi Was screwing a lady from Figi. When she started to sweat, He said, "Hold it, my pet," And squished off the sweat with his squeegee.
An Italian musician named Lulli Showed the world he was nobody's fool: he Absconded to France Where he learned how to dance And to treat all his rivals quite cruelly.
A soprano, attempting Lully was distraught with fatigue and ennui. "It's too high! It won't do unless it's 392! Otherwise I cannot sing that G!" The director, fond of Delalande thought his diva was quite out of hand. He attempted to sway her But he had to obey her every wish, whim, request and demand.
At The Ritz a young lady drank lunch, With a roué who ordered rum punch. As they clinked cup to cup, He said, "Bottoms up!" Which I'd say was a rather shrewd hunch.
Daily Ditty 17, Friday, 27 June 1997
Said the lion, "Please join me at lunch!" Said the zebra, "Thanks, I have a hunch, Whereas I prefer grass, You'd dine on wild ass; There's some monkeys, invite the whole bunch!"
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IndexThere was an old parson of Lundy, Fell asleep in the vestry on Sunday. He awoke with a scream, "What! Another wet dream? That comes of not [frigging | fucking] since Monday."
There was a young lady of Lundy, Began fresh affairs every Monday. Thus enlarging each week, Her erotic technique. Whilst chastely abstaining each Sunday.
lung - see kidney
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IndexThere was a young fellow called Lunt Who went with a girl in a punt. And while riding, his pole Caught up in her hole - Not his punt pole, his front and her cunt.
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IndexA rapist who raped in West Lunt Made this interesting comment on cunt: "Every dame has a twat, But I rapes just the hot, So it's that kind of cunt that I hunt."
A Lancashire whore named Lunt, Had a clever promotional stunt. When the air was so foul, You could not see at all, She burned a red flare in her cunt.
There once were two brothers named Luntz Who buggered each other at once. When asked to account For this intricate mount, They said, 'Ass-holes are tighter than cunts.'
Big John was a lad of great lust; Had a wife who was filled with distrust. One night while he slept, With a knife, in she crept. As a lover Big John's now a bust.
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IndexA homophobe living in Lutz, Thought all fags were certified nuts. In the queer catechism, They drink all their gism, Or pound up their butts with their putz.
A hard-peckered lecher named Lutz Had his prick in a bitch to the nuts. She remarked, "My friend Hunt Has more fun in my cunt; He goes three times as deep when he butts."
Have you heard about Magda Lupescu, Who came to Rumania's rescue? It's a wonderful thing To be under a king - Is democracy better, I esk you?
A lady who overly lusted Was frequently opened and thrusted. When the baby came due, It was female too, And its hymen was already busted.
There once was a Jenny from Luxor Who said to her sheik, "Don't let's fuck, sir! My cave is so large It would swallow your barge - Dive in for an old-fashioned suck, sir!"
A tattooed lady named Lydia, Is a walking encyclopidia. When her robe is unfurled, She will show you the world, And a perfect relief map of Lybia.
Said the bawdyhouse madam to Lyle, As she viewed his sad prong with a smile, "That poor little pimple Looks more like a dimple - Are you trying to start a new style?"
There was an old party [young fellow] of Lyme Who married [lived with] three wives at a [one] time; When asked "Why the third?" He replied "One's absurd, And bigamy, Sir, is a crime."
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IndexThere once was a young man from Lyme, [Who] scored a goal for the very first time. The young man was glad, But his teammates were sad, He hadn't changed sides at halftime.
A passionate damsel of Lyme Always takes on two men at a time. Cried she, "What a blast! With one up my ass, And a straight-man up front - it's sublime!"
For a moderate poet from Lyme It was difficult finding the words And the rythm as well For him was a Hell, So in most cases the last sentence was a bit of a crime.
A thoughtful young bride of North Lyme Said, "Although sex is simply devine, As I told Aloysius, Between douches and dishes, I'm in hot water most of the time."
Of her first sex encounter, Miss Lyme Said, "I had a delirious time! I'd have paid money To suck all that honey, But nobody charged me a dime."
There was an old loony of Lyme, Whose candour was simply sublime; When they asked, "Are you there?" "Yes," he said, "but take care, For I'm never 'all there' at a time."
A contortionist hailing from Lynch, Used to rent out his tool by the inch. A foot cost a quid - He could and he did Stretch into three in a pinch.
The penis of Grandfather Lynch As a clothesline is used, in a pinch. On the days his wife washes, He dons pipe and galoshes, And reels the thing out with a winch.
There was a young Georgian named Lynd Who'd never in all his life sinned, For whenever he'd start He'd be jarred by a fart, And his semen was gone with the wind.
There was a young lady of Lynn Who was deep in original sin; When they said, 'Do be good!' She said, 'Would if I could!' And straightway went at it again.
There was a young lady from Lynn, Who could pee on the head of a pin. By filling her bladder With a quart of S*l*d*, And letting it out very thin.
There was an old fellow of Lynn Who had never committed a sin, But when the old Pharisee Went over to Paris, he Said, "It's never too late to begin."
There was a young lady of Lynn, Who was so uncommonly thin, That when she essayed To drink lemonade, She slipped through the straw and fell in.
There was an old woman of Lynn Whose nose very near [reach'd | touched] her chin; You may easy suppose She had plenty of Beaux This charming Old Woman of Lynn.
Lynn
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IndexThere was a young lady of Lynn Who was nothing but bones except skin; So she wore a false bust In the likewise false trust That she looked like a lady of sin.
There once was a student named Lynn, Whose prick was the size of a pin. It was no good for girls But just great for squirrels, Who squealed with delight with it in.
There was a [young man from | freshman named] Lynn Whose cock was [the size of | as thin as] a pin. Said his girl with a laugh As she fondled[felt] his staff, 'This won't be much of a sin.'
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IndexGrins a fey Swedish groupie named Lynn: "There are Nordics who may not get in. For a screw sometimes bores When it's Danish or Norse, But I sure do put out for a Finn!"
There once was this young wife named Lynn, Who caught her husband fucking her kin. Feeling so heinous She scalded his penis, And he never pulled that shit again!"
Lynn - see Berlin
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IndexThis snobbish young virgin named Lynn Was always so frightened of men. When got through Her very first screw She was wearing a shit-eatin' grin!
Lynn - see pi
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IndexA sneaky young lady of Lynn, Was so unbelievably thin, That there was no knowing Her coming or going, And she'd never tell where she had been!
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IndexThere was a young lady named Lynne, Who said, 'I'm prepared to begin Any sort of activity That suits my proclivity, Provided it counts as a sin.'
Consider the lowering Lynx, He's savage, and sullen, and stynx; Though he never has stunk, Like the scandalous Skunk - 'Tis a task far beyond him, [methinks | methynx].