To a girl who was laughing, "Ha Ha", I'm sure she made people guffaw! She said thimble's the size Of the bump 'tween my thighs, But that's the size cups in her bra.
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IndexMy wife Myrtle's womb has the habit Of expanding whenever I stab it. What's more, my wife Myrtle, Is so wonderously fertile, That she's giving me kids like a rabbit.
It is the unfortunate habit Of the rabbit to breed like a rabbit. One can say without question, This leads to congestion, In the burrows that rabbits inhabit.
A horny young man had the habit, Of sating his urge on a rabbit. He was asked, by some folk, "Are they too small to poke?" He said, "No, the hard part is to grab it."
BACCHANALIA
J.S. Bach had a long-standing habit Of fathering more kids than a rabbit. On his foot down below Was a cute crooked toe If his wives had the time to, they'd grab it
There was an Old Person whose habits, Induced him to feed upon rabbits; When he'd eaten eighteen He turned perfectly green, Upon which he relinquished those habits.
There once was a lexicon hack, Whose alphabet knowledge was slack. 'Stead of aardvark to zygote, Finishing th O's, he got Up to P, and never came back.
The ex-Irlandais that hight Hackett Attempted to purloin Joyce's jacket But the Godly J. Quinn Forestalled him in sin And purloined Hackett's hindpart to smack it. In a life so lacking in condiment I confess I am smitten with wonderment At the curious neatness, At the 'lightness and sweetness' With which Q. has smacked Hackett's fundiment.
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IndexThere was a young lady from Hadham, Very fond of the primitive Adam. Whatever the name Of the men in the game, The madam from Hadham had had'em.
There was a young woman of Hadley, Who would with a omnibus cad lie. He gave her the crabs, And besides minor scabs, The pox, too, she got very badly.
There was an Old Man of the Hague Whose ideas were excessively vague; He built a balloon To examine the moon, That deluded Old Man of the Hague
Said a bibulous bull dyke named Hahn, "Though a dildo is really a con, It seems less of a joke If I'm drunk when I poke, Which is why I keep tying one on."
A Chinaman named Wong from Haiphong Got a job ringing bells with his dong. But the Emperor said, "I Had to can the poor guy When Wong's superhard schlong broke my gong."
My [boyfriend | Wumpus] is covered with hair And therefore he's never quite bare. But he's awfully sweet, So cute and so neat, That I think that we make quite a pair.
Daily Ditty 119 Tuesday, 14 October 1997
My girlfriend has rich auburn hair To set off her skin, oh, so fair It all looks so right, Then we turn out the light; How she looks then, I really don't care.
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IndexNow John I don't mind white hair. Many beautiful girls are quite fair But what really counts To a man as he mounts Is how tight she is down there. That tightness can be controlled If I may be ever so bold To improve the tussle She must flex that muscle Then your ardor will never grow cold.
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IndexDaily Ditty 126 Tuesday, 21 October 1997 - HAIR: A "Parting" shot
My girlfriend has lice in her hair, In her armpits and even "down there" They come in three kinds So one sometimes finds You can have the damned things everywhere. My girlfriend was really unclean, Till I got her some new Vaseline. Now the lice are all gone, So I needn't go on Having fun with my porn magazine. I sit here with a cunt full of lice Seem I've tried other remedies thrice but applying a cream of that good Vaseline Seems to choke out the buggers real nice. For crotch lice there is an old trick To killing the bastards, real quick. In your thatch shave a patch, To the rest, light a match. As they run, stab them dead with a pick. If that is too harsh here 's another; You'll kill every louse and his brother. It's not quite so mean, Just smear Vaseline, Then look on and watch the bunch smother. Here's a sure fire way that can't miss The way to kill vermin is this: Forget vaseline, Drink raw gasoline And attack 'em with flamethrowing piss.
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IndexDaily Ditty 161 Tuesday, 25 November 1997
Well, the kids really get in my hair But I cannot afford an Au Pair To rattle their brains 'Till they stop being pains And protect me from getting the chair.
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IndexWhat's reddish and roundish and hairy, And hangs from a bush light and airy; Often hidden away From the broad light of day, Beneath a stiff prick - A gooseberry.
hairy - see Kalamazoo
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IndexThere once was a handsome Haitian, The luckiest dog in creation. He worked for the rubber trust, Teaching the upper crust The science of safe copulation.
Said a very attractive young Haitian, "Please begin with a gentle palpation. If you do as I say, In the way of sex play, Why, who knows, there may be fornication."
It's a nightmare that horrifies hakes To finish as frugal fish-cakes; But O, what a dream To be stewed slow in cream, Or fresh-fried in respectable steaks!
The foible of Frimbleton Hake Of farting at fish in a lake, Seems rather far-fetched, And though several fish retched, It is fart too much trouble to take!
An old Jap samurai named Haki, Once pickled his penis in saki. When the thing was quite dead, He cried with bowed head, "Banzai! Requiescat in pace."
There was a young fellow named Hal, Whose wife ran away with his pal. He abhorred deprivation, So he found consolation In the arms of another friend's gal.
A teacher whose name was Haldane Thought his class was a terrible pain. He ranted and raved, But they jumped, stamped and waved And drove him completely insane
Hale - see Crail
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IndexA happy you housewife in Hale, Believed in hot peppers and quail; She said such a supper Would make her man tup her With fervor and quite without fail.
There was a young lady named Hall, Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. The dress caught on fire, And burned her entire, Front page, sporting section, and all.
A student of East Bainbridge Hall, Had an organ exceedingly small. He buggered a bug, On the edge of a rug, But the bug didn't feel it at all.
Hall - see Trinity Hall
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IndexA mathematician named Hall Had a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker, plus eight, Was four fifths of five eighths of fuck-all.
A modern young lady named Hall Attended a birth-control ball, She was loaded with pessaries And other accessories - But no one approached her at all.
A prolifc young mother named Hall Who seemed to have triplets each Fall, When asked why and wherefore, Said, 'That's what we're here for, But we often get nothing at all.'
Hall - see St. Paul
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IndexThere was a young fellow named Hall, Who fell in the spring in the fall; 'Twould have been a sad thing, Had he died in the spring, But he didn't, he died in the fall.
A French poodle espied in the hall A pool that a damp gamp let fall, And said: 'Ah, oui, oui! This time it's not me, But I'm bound to be blamed for it all.'
Halls - see Dick
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IndexSaid Tennyson: 'Yes, Locksley Hall's A story that always enthralls, For it comes down to this - She gave me a kiss, And then a good kick in the balls.'
Herr General von und zum Hallus. Had a caisson attached to his phallus, And would ride into battle, With his brass balls a-rattle, While singing Deutschland Uber Alles!
Bring this illegal suit to a halt. Though the plaintiff's wife lies in her vault, Of her lack of endurance My auto insurance States plainly it wasn't my fault.
In Sodom, great feasts knew no halting, And Lot was the guest they all called in. Said each host, "We love you, But your wife must come, too. The stew is too flat and needs salting."
A Biblical party called Ham, Cried, "Cuss it, I don't give a damn! My father's yard measure I view with great pleasure, Such a bloody great battering ram!"
Dad waited while Mum bought the ham. But when she came out, she said: 'Sam! That one's not our baby!' He answered: 'Well, maybe, But look! It's a much nicer pram.'
The bosom on lovely Miss Hamill No bra will, I'm sure, ever trammel. I forget woe and care When I leer at her pair-- Thank God that I am a mammal!
Said Ophelia to the prince, "Now, look, Hamlet, I fail to see mirth in this gambit! The nunnery sounds grim, But methinks it's your whim! I like it, sir, NOT! Not a damn bit! "Egad!" said Polonius to Laertes, He hugged him and gave him a nice squeeze. "Here's my advice to you, To thine own self be true, Unless, more's the pity, you're the big cheese!"
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IndexA hopeless old wino named Hamm Would sip from an old can of Spam. When asked "what's that blend?" He'd say "Have some, my friend. It's fermented snot and toe jam."
"Take my wife!" said the scholar Hammadi, Whom she wore out in mind and in body. "For, alas, it is true: I am wed to a shrew, And that's all she can do - nag Hammadi!"
Said a fervent young lady of Hammels: 'I object to humanity's trammels. I want to be free! Like a bird! Like a bee! Oh, why am I classed with the mammals?'
There was a young fellow named Hammer Who had an unfortunate stammer. 'The b-bane of my life,' Said he, 'is m-my wife. D-d-d-d-d-d-damn 'er!'
There was a young lady named Hammer, With a s-s-s-s-s-s-stammer. I had gone all the way Before she could say She was dosed. Now I've got it, goddamn 'er.
It's no wonder that poor Mrs. Hance Told a shrink that she viewed life askance. "At the office," she whined, "All my mail runs behind, While at home my male comes in advance!"
Hancock - see Lock
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IndexSardines seem to get out of hand In a way I can not understand; For they never appear At the table, I hear, Unless they are tight, oiled and canned.
hand - see ABC
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IndexThere was a musician named Handel, Whose intimate life was a scandal. When he fugued his bass, He grew red in the face, And buggered himself with a candle.
For his party-trick the Great Mr. Handel At long range could blow out a candle - It's in Guinness's Book, Just give it a look: The Court fairly hummed with the scandal.
The young nun and the priest, they did handle, Their passions to avoid a great scandal. After taking some drinks, He'd jerk off in the sink, And she'd diddle herself with a candle.
A [lady, athletic | damsel, seductive] and handsome, Got wedged in a sleeping-room transom. When she offered much gold For release, she was told That the view was worth more than the ransom.
Thee was a young pig called Sam Handwich, Who met with a dirty old man which Converted poor Sam Into five tins of Spam, And Sam Handwich is now a ham sandwich.
handy - see nation
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IndexDear ladies, we don't give a hang, If you start up a feminine gang. But here is the thing: If you don't have our ying, What the hell will you do with your yang.
An over-sexed robot named Hank Made a play for a twenty-ton tank. His ardor was futile, The result was quite brutal, For his nuts hit the floor with a clank.
Mathew was really hankering To give a girl a bloody good tanking. He was really sad. He bought a jazz mag, And spent his time just wankering.
It always delights me at Hanks To walk up the old river banks. One time in the grass I stepped on an ass, And [heard a young girl murmur, | a voice from the thicket said] "Thanks!"
A charming young singer named Hannah Got caught in a flood in Savannah. As she floated away, Her [sister | beau so] they say Accompanied her on the piannah.
A prissy old maid named Miss Hannah Wrote Burbank a note in this manner: Could you spare a few hours From your shrubs and your flowers And put a pulse in the banana?
There was a young lady named Hannah, Who slipped on a peel of banana. More stars she espied As she lay on her side Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.
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IndexThere was a young Jewess named Hannah, Who sucked of her lover's banana. She swore that the cream That shot out in a stream, Tasted better than Biblical manna.
There was a young girl named Hannah, Who loved madly her lover's banana. She loved pubic hair And balls that were bare, And she jacked him off in her bandana.
In the land where once ruled old Hannibal, There's an evening quite easily plannable: Ten blacks in a row, And all of them blow, But one of the ten is a cannibal.
There once was a man from Hanover, Who told his wife to bend over. As he peered through his eye And saw it was dry, He buried his dick in Rover!
Selling Powergen for peanuts to Hanson (Who provides half the Tories 'financin') Wins Thatcher's consent. Oh, don't call her bent - She's as honest and clean as Charles Manson.
There was a young lady from Hannibal, Who won local fame as a cannibal, By eating her mother, Her father, her brother, And two sisters, Gertrude, and Annabel.
There was a young curate of Hants, Who suddenly took off his pants, When asked why he did, He replied: 'To get rid Of this terrible army of ants.'
hard - see Muffet
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IndexSaid our boy, "Being president's hard On one's golf, and it's bound to retard The course of my game, So I'll use my good name To get back in the National Guard."
Dan said, "Milit'ry service is hard. Go to 'Nam, I'll be killed, maimed, or scarred. Though the Commies must fall, I'll have Dad make a call." Voila! Dan's in the National Guard.
Hardon - see Arden
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IndexFour bear with forbears met four hare And the bear bared the hare of their hair. The four hare cried, "Forebear!" Said the four bear, "Four hare, Are fair fare for forbears of four hear."
A very young surgeon named Hare, Told Time what he'd done on a dare. "I gave a lobotomy To twin hippopotami, Now one of them's running for mayor.
A Turk caught Joe Blow in his harem, And snarled, "Man, are you harem-scarum! I'm calling my wranglers To bite off your danglers - From now on, you ain't gonna wear 'em!"
Daily Ditty 54 Sunday, 10 August 1997
Mr. Jones somehow got in a harem He had balls, and he chose there to bare 'em There arose such a shriek He was deaf for a week As they fought over how they would share 'im. He had balls when he came to the harem And he thought that no one could impair 'im But the ecstatic shriek Had alerted the shiek Who decided he'd no longer wear 'em. Now Jones still resides at the harem After efforts were made to prepare him For his job as a guard ... Well, it never gets hard, And there's girls, though he never can snare 'em.
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IndexA Turk by the name of Haroun, Ate whiskey by means of a spoon. To one who asked why, This Turk made reply: "To drink is forbidden, you loon!"
Harridge - see Harwich
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IndexSaid a fussy old bachelor named Harridge, "Connubial life I disparage. Every time I get hot And poke some girl's spot, She thinks it's an offer of marriage."
Harridge - see Harwich
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IndexA timorous[An ambitious] maiden named Harriet Dreamt she was raped in a chariot - By seventeen sailors, Four monks[A monk], and two tailors Mohammed and Judas Iscariot!
There was an old spinster named Harriet Who could rope anything with her lariat. She had one final thought ... As she tossed out the knot ...... Whatever she caught...she would marry it !
Under Harry, cried heated-up Harriet, As her loverboy started to bury it, "I love your doo-hickey, But it must be quite sticky, And an awful darn nuisance to carry it."
An athletic young cowgirl named Harriet Keeps her boyfriend in line with a lariat. Though she keeps a tight rein, All her effort's in vain, 'Cause she isn't aware he's a farriet.
There once was a lady named Harris That nothing [could ever | seemed apt to] embarrass Till the [bath-salts |powder] [one day | she shook] In a tub [where she lay | that she took] Turned out to be plaster-of-Paris.
I'm bored to extinction with Harrison His limericks and puns are embarrasin'. But I'm fond of the bum, For, though dull as they come, He makes me feel bright by comparison.
There's a vaporish maiden in Harrison Who longed for the love of a Saracen. But she had to confine her Intent to a shriner, Who suffers, I fear, by comparison.
There was an old woman of Harrow, Who visited in a wheelbarrow; And her servant before, Knocked load at each door, To announce the old woman of Harrow.
There was a young lady of Harrow, Who complained that her cunt was too narrow. For times without number, She would use a cucumber, But could not [accomplish | encompass] a marrow.
There was ano old lady of Harrow Whose views were exceedingly narrow. At the end of her paths She built two bird baths For the different sexes of sparrow.
There was a young fellow of Harrow, Whose john was the size of a marrow. He said to his tart, 'How's that for a start? My balls are outside in a barrow.'
A hopeful young fellow from Harrow, Once feathered his cock like and arrow. "There's room for improvement," Said his girl, "in the movement. Make it flutter about like a sparrow."
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IndexThere once was a monarch called Harry, Whose efforts seemed doomed to miscarry, Since his wish for a son, Plus unlimited fun, Made him marry and marry and marry.
A naive young fellow named Harry Met dozens of loose girls in Gary. But he kept on ducking His chances of fucking, Unaware he was a latent young fairy.
"Dear Tom and dear Dick and dear Harry," Wrote Virgin Val, "you I won't marry. Nor will I with John Wear bridal chiffon; I'm blowing Big Millionaire Barry!"
There was a young fellow named Harry, Had a joint that was long, huge, and scary. He pressed it on a virgin Who, without any urgin', Immediately spread like a fairy.
A sensitive fellow named Harry Thought sex too revolting to marry. So he went out in curls, And frowned on the girls, And he got to be known as a fairy.
Three farmers named Tom, Dick, and Harry, All wanted the same girl to marry. She held trials in the barn, And decided on Tom, Because Tom had a dick very hairy.
Here's a quote from an actress named Hart, Who was quizzed on her X-rated start: "Since the star's giant prick Measured three inches thick, I began with a challenging part!"
A flatulent plumber called Hart Could not get his blowtorch to start. So he then struck a match, Saying, "Now it will catch" - Thus extinguishing Hart, lamp, and fart.
A bouncy young damsel, Miss Hart, Whenever you fucked her, she'd fart. She'd scream (brraap), "Give me more! Fuck me (brrap) till I'm sore!" She can fuck her own self, for my part.
Since a stage-struck massage girl named Hart, Knows directors who sample her art, She's aware what controls The assignment of roles Is a good working grasp of the part.
A phoney pop-artist named Hart In a jug kept a large purple fart. He said, "Yes, I did it, But it ain't right to kid it, Who are you to say it ain't Art?"
The unfortunate Dean of South Harts, Was caught importuning some tarts. His good wife was shocked When the Dean was unfrocked: It's the first time she saw all his parts.
An eager young actress named Hartz, Let directors make free with her parts. What else can you do, When you're just twenty-two, And not yet a name in the arts?
A remarkable baker was Hartz. His life imitated his arts. For every last son Was a fruitcake (each one); While his daughters were tasty young tarts.
An old gentleman living at Harwich, At ninety was thinking of marriage, In came his grandson, Who was just twenty-one, And went off with the bride in his carriage.
There was a young lady of Harwich Who behaved very bad at her marich; She proceeded on skates To the parish church gates, While her friends followed on in a carwich.
There was a young person of [Harwich | Harridge], Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. She said, "No, you goose, Just try self-abuse. And the other we'll try after marriage."
There was a young lady of [Harwich | Harridge], Who said, on the morn of her marriage, "I shall sew my chemise, Right down to my knees; [For I'm damned if I fuck | I refuse to be fucked] in the carriage!"
There was a young man named Hasdrubable, Who had only one real and one rubber ball. Not to be out-witted, His wife was two-teated; She had one rubber bub and one rubbable.
There was an old sheik named Al Hassid, Whose tool had become very placid. Before each injection, To get an erection, He had to immerse it in acid.
Young men pursued her with such haste, That she filled her vagina with paste. Her reasoning ran, "I'll hold onto a man, Or else I'd be better off chaste."
there was a large boy with a hat who went to the beach with a cat he sat on his pig and ate up his wig did that foolish large boy with a hat
There was a young lady named Hatch Who would always come through in a scratch. If a guy wouldn't neck her, She'd grab up[hold of] his pecker And shove the damn thing in her snatch.
There was a young lady named Hatch, Who doted on music by Bach. She played with her pussy To "The Faun" by Debussy, But to ragtime, she just scratched her snatch.
There was a young lady named Hatch, Who doted on music by Bach. She played with her pussy To The Faun by Debussy, But to ragtime, she just scratched her snatch.
Links:
IndexThere was a young lady named Hatch, Who said, "I just adore Bach. He isn't so fussy As Brahms or Debussy. Sit down and I'll play you a snatch."
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IndexThere is a young lady named Hatch Who constantly scratches her snatch. 'Tis not for sensation Of sweet masturbation, But because of some crabs she can't catch.
Another young fellow named Hatch, His wife had a cubical snatch. In no way out-witted, (She was also three-titted) He possessed a square root to match.
There was a young man named Hatch, Who thought that he'd made a great catch. His inducement to flirt, Was a wee mini-skirt, But, alas, she'd a wee mini-snatch.
An insomniac young fellow named Hatches, Took a room in a whorehouse in Natchez. He still tossed and turned, Half the night, but he learned How to manage by sleeping in snatches.
The conductor, with voice like a hatchet, Observed to a cellist from Datchet, "You have 'tween your thighs, My dear, a great prize - [An instrument noted for beauty and size -] And yet you just sit there and scratch it.
There once was a girl from Hat Creek. Whose virtue left something to seek. Our young men all sought it, And most of them bought it, Though some only came by to peek.
There once was a man, who though hated, An expert at citrus was rated. Once I gave him an orange, He: one sniff, then "Tis foreign J- affa is where it originated."
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Indexhated - see objected
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IndexA well-known Ballina hatter, Had two sons as like as don't matter. To the former he said: "Run along now to bed," But the young man replied, "I'm the latter."
Haunts - see pants
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IndexA baritone star of Havana Slipped horribly on a banana; He was sick for a year Then resumed his career As a promising lyric soprano.
SALSA
A soprano named Rose from Havana Gave great parties in her beach cabana. Singing tunes by Josquin, She would wiggle her can. As an encore, she'd eat a banana.
There was a young man from Havana Who continually played the 'piana'. 'Til one day his finger slipped And his fly it ripped And out slipped a hairy banana.
There was a young girl in Havana, Who slipped on a skin of banana. Away went her feet, And she took a seat In a very unladylike manner.
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IndexThere was a young man in Havana, Fucked a girl on a player piano. At the height of their fever, Her ass hit the lever, Yes, He has no banana!
Said a seller of fruit in Havana, To a ripe red-lipped lady named Anna, You want something to eata? No charge, senorita, Put those red lips around my banana.
There was a young lady of Havant, Who slept with an impotent savant. Said she, "Yes, we shouldn't", But it turned out he couldn't, "So you can't say we have, when we haven't.
A couturier from Haverford-West, Has designed an ankle-length vest. She says, "It's got holes For respectable souls Who can only have sex when they're dressed.
A flatulent nun of Hawaii One Easter eve supped on papaya; Then honored the Passover By turning her ass over And obliging with Handel's Messiah.
There was an old man of Hawaii, Who ate too much whale and shark pie. So quaffing some sperm-oil, He quitted life's turmoil, Without even saying, "Good-bye!"
hawk - see LaFey
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IndexAnother composer named Haydn, The field of Sonata would widen; He wrote the 'Creation', Which made a sensation, And that was the work that he died'en.
A patient young Girl Scout named Hayes, Rubbed two faggots together for days. 'Till she happened to pass A portion of gas, Which kindled a wonderful blaze.
Said a boastful young student from Hayes, As he enetered the Hampton Court Maze: 'There's nothing in it I won't be a minute.' He's been missing for forty-one days.
Hayle - see Crail
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IndexHays - see Fort Hays
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IndexWhen a man's too old even to toss off, he Can sometimes be consoled by philosophy. One frequently shows a Strong taste for Spinoza, When one's balls are beginning to ossify.
Zap goes the Weasel
Some guy (Can't remember; who was he?) Was arrested for logic too fuzzy. He'd encountered a short In an Ethernet port He had tried to connect to a SCSI.
Links:
IndexWhile Tarzan (a swinger was he) Was swinging from treetop to tree, The apes gathered 'round, "When Tarz reaches ground, An ape he will probably be."
There was a old warden of Wadham, he Was very much given to sodomy. But he shyly confessed, "I like tongue-fucking best, God bless my soul, isn't it odd of me?"
So dextrous a doctor was he, His technique was something to see. 'Till nurse Dowd, a virgin, Cried out, "Oh, my surgeon! You poked the wrong organ in me!"
Ted had a prick that erected, he Could reach from New York to Schenectady. This tube in the air, Made everyone stare, And the women all wished they could neck Teddy.
Anatomically perfect was he, From his hair to his tiny peepee. With a head made of wood, This Chicago doll should Be the image of our ex VP.
he - see rate
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IndexThe bedsprings bang Bernie's bald head, While above him Mae moans on the bed. Her husband is using her, Poor Bernie's abusing her - In a whisper - one squeak and he's dead!
It was Santa (I could tell by his head), Under covers in Grandmother's bed. He said, "Don't you see, It's much better for me, Than sleeping with Rudolf instead!"
Daily Ditty 112 Tuesday, 7 October 1997
Chicken Little got bonked on the head "Run! The sky is falling!" she said Now this hardly was true, Nor a "bolt from the blue" 'Twas a bolt from Cassini instead. Li'l Chicken has caused pandemonium, And crapped on the kitchen linoleum. She was overwrought, Mistakenly thought Cassini had dropped its plutonium.
Links:
IndexWhen a girl with a hung-over head Found an elephant sharing her bed In the dawn's early light, She then groaned, "I was tight!" "To begin with," the pachyderm said.
"I've got this terrible pain in my head." "Fill out the form", the nurse said. "But by the time I get through With page one-hundred and two, Both you and I will be dead!"
head - see gray
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Indexhead - see Burdew
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IndexA duck who I happened to hear, Was complaining quite sadly, "Oh dear! Our picnic's today, But the weathermen say That the skies will be sunny and clear."
hear - see chums
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IndexI doubt that much more will be heard Of Agatha Margaret McBird. She was last seen in Berks, With two businesslike Turks, Who were peddling her off to a third.
heard - see Vice-President
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Indexheard - see Cannuck
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Indexheard - see it
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IndexThere was an old man in a hearse, Who murmured, 'This might have been worse; Of course the expense Is simply immense, But it doesn't come out of my purse.'
Touching all chords of her woman's heart, He plead his suit with highest art. Perplexed, confused, With love suffused, She slowly sighed her legs apart.
heart - see buccaneer
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IndexDaily Ditty 165 Saturday, 29 November 1997
It truly is breaking my heart 'Cause from Texas I'm forced to depart, But I will not grieve 'Cause us Texans believe Such a move makes both places more smart
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IndexMolly Malone
In the middle of Dublin's fair heart, There's a wonderful work of fine art. It's a statue of Molly Complete with her trolly; They call it "The Tart With The Cart".
A notorious [whore named Miss | harlot named] Hearst In the weakness of men is well-versed. Reads a sign o'er the head Of her well-rumpled bed: 'The customer always comes first.'
A hot little night nurse named Hearst, Got off with a bratwurst at first; But her pleasure now lies In a non-deli guise, As the interns take turns for the Wurst.
Miss Nympho was in such a heat That ten times my quota of meat Couldn't hope to appease her. Though I did fail to please her, The ten bangs I got were a treat.
High up on her rump, red with heat, With his cock in an elephant, Pete, Said, "I like to shoot sperm In this hot pachyderm, Which I've done twice this week - what a treat!"
heat - see chance
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IndexHeath - see Leith
Links:
IndexThere was a young girl named Heather, Whose twitchet was made out of leather. She made a queer noise, Which attracted the boys, By flapping the edges together.
A liberated young woman named Heather, Practiced love with both sexes together. Her men all wore stockings Which some found most shocking, Her women all wore English Leather.
To a person arriving in Heaven Said St. Peter, "We dine, sharp, at seven, Then breakfast's at eight, Never mind if you're late, And there's biscuits and milk at eleven."
Ties are silly as heck And will never be found 'round my neck For despite corporate backing Their utility's lacking Least 'twas the last time I checked...
If you should ask why the heck Does Massenet look such a wreck. My considered reply is That Massenet's Thais A little too tight for his neck. In addition it has to be said That Lully is turning quite red; And the reason for that is That poor Lully's Atys A good deal too small for his head.
There once was a fellow named Hecker Who proffered a prosthetic pecker. It was fashioned from oak, And it stiffened his stroke, But his wife was afeared it would wreck 'er.
Cried a kinky young barber named Hector, Who's depantied a girl to inspect her: "I presume you won't care If I clip off some hair - For, you see, I'm a boxtop collector!"
The public brought Sarah to heel. Said "Sarah, to us you must kneel" She said, "Not for me, But for my family", But her daughter said, "Mother, get real."
Daily Ditty 187 Sunday, 21 December,1997
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #9 By himself sat computer nerd Hector Until Mary, the Software Director, Did a hardware inspection That caused an erection And he came in his pocket protector
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IndexIt seems that an old man named Heep, Sates his lust on a flock of young sheep. He used to screw whores, Till afflicted with sores, He said, "Ewes are clean, and they're cheap!"
At the zoo, a young fellow named Heeper Asked the price of a screw, from the keeper. Said the keeper, "A gnu is ten bucks a screw. The rhino and camel are cheaper."
A girl who was from Brooklyn Heights, Looked quite mediocre in tights. There was much more approval When, upon their removal, She revealed more spectacular sights.
Once again it's time to be heeding The long-winded annual meeting. When proceedings get stuck The effects of pot-luck Might find some of us to be sleeping.
An ancient biologist, Heine, Taught some girls that the female vagina Was the seat of their joy, But they shouted back: "Oy! We've got something much more diviner!"
There was a young lady whose heinie Was round, pretty, pink, soft, and shiny. But she took all her joys With immature boys, As her twat was so terribly tiny.
Have you heard of the outrage so heinous, That it brought bitter tears do Dame Venus. But 'twas neither the knife, nor the knoave, nor the wife, But the wags who were really obscenest.
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IndexJill did a thing truly heinous. She stuffed an h-bomb up her anus. Her clit reached the stars. Her face attained Mars. Her shit became part of Uranus.
Anne Cooper Hewitt
I'm only a sterilized heiress, A butt for the laughter of rubes. I'm comely and rich But a venemous bitch - My mother - ran off with my tubes.
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IndexA musical Imam of Hejaz Taught his favorite eunuchs to play jazz. So his fucks pizzicato, Staccato, legato, Made his harem's Arabia's rages.
I don't mind if a girl rides a hel'copter, I don't mind if a girl rides a car, But the girl who rides straddle An old fashioned saddle Is stretching things a bit too far.
The breasts of a woman named Helen, Were the size of a large watermelon. When she hove into sight, All the men would take fright, And run away, screamin' and yellin'.
There was a French bard who said: 'Hell! This life's a perpetual farewell; The new-born's first sigh Is a sort of goodbye, And Death's always ringing the bell.'
While she cannot spell and her writing is hell With the phrases of ill-devised size She's so adored By the marketing board That they gave her the Pullet-zer Prize.
My office is straight out of Hell. My secretary's prone to misspell. The boss - he's a loon Aided by a buffoon, And that's it, in a simple nutshell.
There once was a leper from hell Whose rot had a horrible smell. It was driving him bonkers, So he pulled off his honker, For he knows, the nose knows all too well.
A sprightly young woman of Hellas Made all of the other girls jealous. In a pastoral region She screwed half a legion, And asked, "Where's the rest of the fellas?"
So obese is my cousin from Hendon, She looks elephantine, seen end on; What preys most on her mind Is her efforts to find A good deck-chair that she can depend on.
"I enjoy," claimed a nympho named Henty, "Being had by some fifteen or twenty; For the sessions I prize Have a surfeit of guys, Since an orgy's a horny of plenty."
A fine Southern lady named Hentz, Preferred colored boys when she'd yentz. She explained, "When they're black, They've a spring in their back, And their tools are most always immense."
King Henry's new wife he did hate her, For she farted and pissed when he ate her, Sex with her did he dread, So he chopped off her head, But he saved the remainder...for later! He used her most often at night, She was harder to see without light, Never once did she moan, When he drove himself home, But never once did she put up a fight! From then on she was faithful and true, Though her flesh turned purple and blue, For a while she was hot, When she'd started to rot, Then she bloated and ripped right in two! He relied on her for his releases, Decomposition formed natural greases, Then with undying love... a push and a shove, Undying passion... not subject to fashion, Frantic emotion... and ferverous motion, He literally loved her to pieces! She looked like she'd been through a meat-grinder, But depending on how he aligned her, She could take what he had, Without oozing too bad, It worked best with a pillow behind her! She lasted nigh onto a year, And you may think his habits quite queer, But could you justify waste, On pretense of good taste, With the body you yearned for so near ! For a while he thought he might freeze her, "Make it last!" thought the horny ol' geezer, But he noted with awe, She took ten days to thaw, To the point where a fellow could seize her! King Henry became an old man, He relied more and more on his hand, But he never forgot her, His lovable rotter, The ripest in all o' the land!!!
Daily Ditty 167 Monday, 1 December 1997
Her convictions are strong, through I rib her She will harp on fem rights till I gibber: "If you're so right Then get out and fight!" But she won't: A real chicken libber.
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IndexCaesar and Cleopatra
Cleopatra said everything bored her, But her visitors clearly adored her. Mighty Caesar then came, Saw and Conquered the dame, Although probably not in that order.
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IndexDaily Ditty 30 Thursday, 17 July 1997
Mistress Mary had a mystery man who kissed her He insisted between visits that he missed her Then one blister-raising kiss Risked the ruin of her bliss - How it pissed her when her mister kissed her sister!
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IndexCleopatra, when sex was still new to her, Kept buying up young slaves to tutor her. But the Pharoah, her dad, For fear she'd go bad, Kept rendering them neuterer and neuterer.
Cleopatra, who thought they maligned her, Resolved to reform and be kinder. "If, when pettish", she said, "I should knock off your head, Won't you give me a gentle reminder?"
Down in the basement we kep' her, Because dear old Sis was a leper. And there on her cot, Her body did rot, And when some fell off, Mama swept her.
Her husband was forced to assist her, In restraining the lecherous Mr. Said he, "Please desist, She dislikes being kissed, You'll have to make do with her sister."
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IndexA young girl, though none would believe her, Had psychoses regarding her beaver. When a man grabbed her panties, She turned vigilante, And whacked off his balls with a cleaver.
There was an old lady, God damn her, She fucked herself with a hammer. The hammer was blunt, And so was her cunt, And out came a kid with a hop, skip, and jump.
Lynette, she's a Titan, don't crowd her; Both with fire and with wit, God's endowed her. When she fights, she gets proud, When she's right, she gets loud, And when not quite so right, she gets louder.
her - see inferior
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IndexThere was once an unbalanced he-rabbit, Who had the deplorable habit, Of viewing the cunny Of each female bunny, Then using his pecker to jab it.
There was a trombonist called Herb, Whose playing was loud (though superb); When neighbours complained, Young Herbert explained: 'But great art is meant to disturb.'
There was an old man from near here, Who got awfully drunk upon beer. He fell in a ditch And a son of a bitch Of a bulldog fucked him in the ear.
The holiday season is here. Time to have family be near. So come as you can, By car, truck, or van, And be home with me soon, won't you, dear?
Daily Ditty 12, 22 June, 1997
Hallelujah! Now summer is here, Pardon me as I ogle and leer At women and teenies In scanty bikinis; Grill some wienies and pass me a beer!
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IndexNow that vampire penguins are here, The fact is really quite clear, That if this carries on, We'll all soon be gone, As the time when they eat us, is near!
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IndexHannibal Lechter said, "Just listen here, There's nothing as nice as an ear, With butter that drips, And crispy fried chips, Washed down with a cold stein of beer.
here - see said
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IndexAt the school for fine chefs, Mr. Herm Was preparing a Stew Pachyderm, But the poor beast had lain Far too long on the plain, And he said, "I have tasted a worm."
A decent young fellow named Herm, Was equipped with a geyser-like worm. The size wasn't much But the volume was such, His lovers did the backstroke in sperm.
There was an old lady of Herm, Who tied bows on the tail of a worm. Said she, "You look festive, But don't become restive, You'll wriggle 'em off if you squirm.
The German Way
There was an old fellow named Herman Who was a contrary old German. If you said things were fine, He would answer, "Ach, nein!" And list all things wrong in a sermon.
A fruit-loving epicure, Herman, Once bit a cumquat with a worm in. His hunger was deadened By tail or by head end, But which one, he couldn't determine.
A strapping young fellow named Herman, Had a ring round his prick that was permanent. All the old docs Said the ring was the pox, But he swore it was lipstick or vermin.
An ingenious young fellow named Herman, Tied a bow on the end of his worm, and His wife said, "How festive!", But he said, "Don't be restive - You'll wriggle it off with your squirmin'."
There was a young person named Herman, Who spoke both falsetto and German. Behind the blond hair, There was somebody there, But its sex one could never determine.
An anal erotic named Hermann Had a passion for buggering mermen. He'd lure the poor swine From their haunts 'neath the Rhine With songs in execrable German.
There once was a hermaphrodite, Who said, "Please don't pity my plight. For when I'm told to do What's not easy for you, I can do it! And do it all night!"
There was a [smart miss | young man] had a hernia Who said to [her | his] doctor, "Goldernia, When [improving | carving] my middle Be sure you don't fiddle With matters that do not concernia"
For the next Games' finale, the hero,
Gets a crack at the Empress's zero,
While the emperor stands by,
Swinging out "Traumerei",
On his flame-throwing fiddle,
Signed, Nero.
Hero - see Vice-President
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IndexTo the ancient Greek writer, Herodotus, Said a pretty young thing, "My, how hard it is." Said he, "Do you fear I will hurt you, my dear?" And she said, "Are you crazy? Thank God it is!"
An innocent maiden named Herridge, Was cruelly tricked into marriage; When she later fond out What her spouse was about, She threw herself under a carriage.
A TV talk-show man named Herschel Is date-rated "quite controversial," For his dates think it sick, His withdrawing his prick To briefly insert a commercial.
There was an announcer named Herschel, Whose habits became controversial, Because when out wooing, Whatever he was doing, At ten he'd insert his commercial.
Bil] Clinton (and Hillary herself) Would put G.O.P. plans on the shclf. With gears automatic They'd wax Democratic, And no one would shift for himself.
There's a rather odd couple in Herts Who are cousins (or so each asserts). Their sex is in doubt For they're never without Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
Said a certain prim fellow named Hess, "Though it causes a bit of distress, I avoid the last spasm Of completed orgasm. I simply can't stand all that mess."
Hester - see Chester
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IndexThere was an old curate of Hestion, Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion. But so small was his tool He could scarce screw a spool, And a cunt was quite out of the question.
I own a stubborn plow mule named Hestor. She won`t move no matter how you might test her. Use a whip on her withers or jab her with a scissors and she will kick in your head is my guess, sir. My obstinate plow mule named Hestor. Won't move even though you might test her With whip on her withers Or jab her with scissors. She'd kick in your head is my guess, sir.
A lady stockholder, quite hetera, Decided her fortunes to bettera. On the floor, quite unclad, She [was] successively had, [By] Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera.
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IndexA medical student named Hetrick Is learnèd in matters obstetric. From a glance at the toes Of a mother, he knows If the [fetus's | new baby's] balls are symmetric.
There was a young girl named Ann Heuser Who swore that no man could surprise her. But Pabst took a chance, Found a Schlitz in her pants, And now she is sadder Budweiser.
There was an old fellow named Hewing, Whose heart stopped while he was a screwing; He gasped: 'Really, Miss, Don't feel bad about this - There's nothing I'd rather die doing.'
A dolly from Morningside Heights Says sex provides all her delights. When she hasn't the rag on She gets half a jag on, And spends her time fucking at nights.
[A motorist | He] seemed to have a true hex when his car was involved in eight wrecks but he suddenly stopped it and flat out just dropped it when the insurance quit sending the checks!
"I have found," sighed a hooker named Hickel, "That Chinese John's are kinky and fickle. They screw me...then beat me... And hungrily eat me - And the worst is those chopsticks sure tickle!"
Halloween," said a madam named Hicks, "Is a time, girls, to honor guy's dicks. Since your Johns have spent wads, I'll reward them with bods - So tonight you'll be treating your tricks."
There once was a farmer named Hicks, Who used ewes for unusual tricks, And went on at such length, That he'd sapped all his strength, By the time he had turned ninety-six.
There was a young lady named Hicks, Who delighted to play with men's pricks. Which she would embellish With evident relish, And make them stand up and do tricks.
That hearthrug-pie fancier, Hicks, Prefers young girls fresh from the sticks. Says he: "For the tongue Get 'em dewy and young. It's then you get in your best licks."
Hicks - see Madras
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American family reunion
Americans are all a bunch of hicks They have sex with their cousins for kicks A family gathering Ends up in a lathering With exposed tonsiles,torsos and tits oh yeah?! Australians all suck schvanze. They eat kangaroo balls for bon-bons. Their women are sluts With half acre butts And their ancestors all are ex-cons.
hidden - see Benares
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IndexThere was an old drunk called Hieronymus, Who joined Alcoholics Anonymous; But with liver disease, The shakes and D.T.s, The prognostication is ominous.
Said the truck driver, shifting to high, And stroking his passenger's thigh, "Inside my valise, Are some rubbers and grease. Let's open them up, bye and bye."
Said a Parisienne of the highlife, "How boring is life with a figleaf. Let us hie to the Louvre And from every chef d'oeuvre, Remove with a chisel the big leaf.
A young lassie from Highland Park, Treated her exploits as a lark. So many men roamed Through contraceptual foam, Her snatch was declared a National Park.
I've received a number of highs, From my amazing ability to prise Open and thrill, Delight and fill, Jennifers wonderously receptive thighs.
An "outdoorsy" chick, fond of hikin' Soon learned she prefered mountain bikin'. For, when hiking on rocks "Yuckies" stuck to her socks. (Itchy, crisp, crunchy grungies called "lichen".)
There was a young soldier named Hilary, Who spent several days in the pillory. Reconnoitering a lass, He had reached an impasse, And he brought up his heavy artillery.
An extraordinary fellow named Hilary Was blessed with twin sexual artillery. When you get off one gun, Your fun is all done, But he drives home his pulsing auxiliary!
There was a young lady named Hilda Who went [for a walk | [driving one night] with a builder. He knew that he could And he should, and he would - And he did - and he goddam near killed her!
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IndexThere was a young hiker called Hilda, Who went for a hike on St. Kilda. They say that the climb Is really sublime; It wasn't for Hilda, it killed her.
A certain young man of Hilgay Took his harp to a concert one day; The audience cheered, When on stage he appeared, But they groaned when he started to play.
There was an Old Man on a hill, Who seldom, if ever, stood still; He ran up and down In his grandmother's gown, Which adorned that Old Man on a hill.
A stone at the top of a hill Was arrested for being too still. Its energy potential Was quite exponential, But moss sapped its strength and its will.
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IndexThere was a young fellow named Hill Who took a uranium pill; His entrails corroded, His belly exploded, And his balls were found in Brazil.
A clearly bemused Anita Hill, Eyed pubic hair topping her swill. "I make you this promise, If it's one from C. Thomas, That homeboy be needin' some skill."
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana Jack got high, unzipped his fly but Jill said: 'I don't wanna.'
Hill - see Alice
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Indexhill - see Chaldees
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Indexhill - see Wells
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IndexThere was a First Lady named Hillary Who was caught in a sly peccadillo: She Had sold health care stocks short, And when dragged into court, Was compelled to do time in a pillory.
A funny old person from Hilton When he read Robert Burns, put a kilt on; He dressed in a cope When reading from Pope, And a nightshirt when reading from Milton.
There once was a man (you might know him) Who worked all his life on a poem! Tho' he tried and he tried Till the day that he died He never could think of a good ending for it.
The Mahatma on Mt. Himavat, Opined as he diddled a cat: 'She's a far better piece Than the Viceroy's niece, Who has also more fur on her prat.'
himself - see Czechs
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Indexhimself - see sewer
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IndexJack and Jill went up the hill Each of them had a quarter Jill came down with a half-a-buck They didn't go up for water.
The poor benighted Hindoo: He does the best he kindoo. He sticks to his caste From first to laste. For pants he makes his skindoo.
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IndexI know of a fortunate Hindu Who is sought in the towns that he's been to By the ladies he knows Who are thrilled to the toes By the tricks he can make his foreskin do
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IndexThe word's out that little Miss Hintz, At the mention of sex, now will wince. A student from Corning Kept it in until morning, And Miss Hintz hasn't been the same since.
To an unmarried lady named Hintz, The mention of sex brings a wince. In a burst of exuberance, She sheathed Peter's protuberance, And she's just been aborted of quints!
Big John Bobbitt might have been hipper Had he kept his hot hands from his zipper But to his wife's dismay Big John leaped to the fray The results would have pleased Jack the Ripper.
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IndexSPANISH FLY
My fashion-sense needs to be hipper Like that of a Chippendale stripper. So tell me, (I'm dumb), Does Spanish Fly come With buttons, or velcro, or zipper?
Consider the poor hippopotamus, His life is unduly monotonous. He lives half asleep, At the edge of the deep, And his face is as big as his bottom is.
Each maid that this fellow would hire, The first thing - politely he'd "Hi" her Then eye her - her toes Then up his eye goes. Then hire if happy when higher. For fifty per hour she's hired. As soon as, her new boss desired, "Will you please undress?" For fifty per, "Yes." In twenty more minutes she's fired.
Said a young dude who decided to bribe his Mamma to procure him an ibis: "Don't get me a crane, It would give me a pain If you knew how exclusive the tribe is."
The video "Horse Hung Hispanics", Caused me and my lover [to panic | the panics]. We've both taken dillies Of overstuffed willies, But those dongs could sink [the Titantic | two Titanics].
hired - see hire
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IndexThis feat from old Corinth's historic: A stud there, in moments euphoric, Could build for inspection A hometown erection, Then switch from Ionic to Doric.
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IndexThere was a Young Person whose History Was always considered a Mystery; She sate in a Ditch, Although no one knew which, And composed a small treatise on History.
Now who in American history Belongs in this long list so blistery? Our presidents are shit, The rich roll in it; So let's leave the question a mystery.
Daily Ditty 176 Wednesday, 10 December 1997
He, most famous in all history, Would be doomed now by social decree: He'd be locked up today For didn't He say, "Suffer little ones come unto me?"
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IndexThe star of that X-rated hit Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit. This serves as a palace For each turgid phallus - Some say that the plot is pure shit.
There was a young lady named Hitchin Who was [skrotching her cunt | scratching her [crotch | snatch]] in the kitchen. Her [father | mother] said, "Rose, It's the crabs, I suppose." [She | Rose] said, "Yes, and [the buggers are | by Jesus they're] itchin'."
There was a young fellow named Hitchin, Who was screwing the maid in the kitchen. When his ass got too close ter The red-hot stove toaster, He woke up the house with his bitchin'.
Hitchin - see chums
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IndexButtons - A Double Limerick
There was an old skinflint of Hitching Had a cook, Mrs Casey of Cork, There was nothing but crusts in the kitchen, While the parlour was sherry and pork. So at last Mrs Casey, her pangs to assuage, Having nipped off his buttons, curried the page. And now, while the skinflint gulps sherry and pork, In his parlour adjacent to kitchen, To the tune blithe and merry of knife and of fork, Anthropophagy reigns in the kitchen.
There was a young lady named Hix, Who was fond of sucking big pricks. One fellow she took Was a doctor named Snook, Now he's in a hell of a fix.
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Indexho - see whore
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Index"It's no good," said Lady Maud Hoare, "I can't concentrate anymore. I'm all in a sweat And the sheets are quite wet, And look at the time - half past four!"
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Indexhoax - see depressed
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IndexThere was a young girl from Hoboken, Who claimed that her [hymen | cherry] was broken From riding a bike On a cobblestone pike, But it really was broken from pokin'.
There was a young fellow named Hodge, Who lured girls to his dear-hunting lodge. Once they were there, He made them hunt bare. Serves them right, it's a corny old dodge.
I know a young medico, Hodges, Whose penis, I've found, often lodges In nurses and patients Who like its dilations, [In | Its] curves, twists, and manifold dodges.
There once was a fellow named Hodges, Who drove only Plymouths and Dodges. They were somewhat [passé | declassé] On the Champs Elysée, But admired by Rotary lodges.
Yes, living is all uphill hoeing: Whenever I get a girl going, Stick my finger a notch Or two up her crotch, I find the dumb bunny is flowing!
A roguish young cocksman named Hogue Claimed screwing repeats were in vogue; So although she cried, "No! Not another - just go!" He insisted on one for the rogue.
A magician who hailed from Hohokus Found his act an exciting new focus When two girl volunteers Triggered audience cheers By insisting, "First hocus - then poke us!"
A cameraman from Hohokus, Tried to capture the mayor in focus. It turned out a loss, For he pictured the boss, With six aldermen kissing his tokus.
Alas for a preacher named Hoke, Whose shit was all stuck in his poke. He farted a blast That left hearers aghast, But nothing emerged but some smoke.
Said a chippie to Buggerby Hoke, "I'm sure what you said is a joke. Of course I've a pair Of apertures there-- Just make sure it's the top one you poke!"
Old King Cole was a bugger for the hole, And a bugger for the hole was he. He called for his wife, And stuck her with a knife, And out jumped a K-I-D.
Old King Cole was a bugger for the hole, With a buckskin belly and a rubber ass-hole. When his wife had a kid He stuck her in the shit And said, "That's enough - fa'n'ngul!"
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Index[Isn't |Ain't] it great that the snatch has a hole, Without it, there's no place for the pole. It'd blunder and bumble, When the time came to rumble, Without ever scoring a goal.
The works of Xaviera HollŠnder, (if believed), would suggest that the gender Of her partners in sin Is a matter of in- difference to the ageing HollŠnder.
A [southern hillbilly | hillbilly farmer] named Hollis, Used possums and snakes [as | for] his solace. The children had scales, And prehensile tails, And voted for Governor Wallace.
Unbra'd lovely Erin from Hollis Said "Light?" to a tit man named Wallace, Who dropped, all excited, The match he'd ignited! - No longer will Erin go braless!
A young man who lived at Holme Hale Went to Acle one day to the sale; He waved to his mate, And discovered too late That he'd purchased five acres of kale.
A lady engineer named Ms. Holt, Had a foreman as spry as a colt. When she asked for a screw, What else did he do, But offer two nuts and a bolt!
A professor who taught at Holyoke Had a bung like a red[ripe] artichoke. She ws greatly annoyed That each ripe haemorrhoid Always quivered whenever she spoke.
I looked at John Miller's homepage. I heard it was all the rage. "Boring." said his daughter. Listen to her, I oughter. It seems Miss Miller's a sage.
A nine-thousand-year-old homesteader Was so dead, he couldn't be deader. Yet they're able to say From his bones' DNA That his genes are still rampant in Cheddar.
There once was a barber called Hone, A young man of considerable tone. He would tell you when drunk, "I smell like a skunk," But the odor was Eau de Cologne.
To a gentleman friend she said, "Honey, Of course I'm not after your money." Though she was a dear, Her meaning was clear: "Me not care for money? That's funny!"
A Chinatown hooker named Hong Likes the dicks of her tricks to be long If you think these occasions Are all with Caucasians Then you haven't met Wally Wong
There was an Old Man of Hong Kong, Who never did anything wrong; He lay on his back, With his head in a sack, That innocuous Old Man of Hong Kong.
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IndexThere once was a man from Hong Kong, Who liked to show women his dong. But along came Ms. Bobbit, Who just wouldn't have it, And now his poor dong is long gone.
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IndexThere was an old man of Hong Kong, Who never did anything wrong. He would lie on his back, With his head in a sack, And secretly finger his dong.
There was a young man of Hong Kong Who invented a topical song. It wasn't the words That bothered the birds But the horrible double ontong.
There was a young girl from Hong Kong Who said, 'You are utterly wrong To say my vagina 's the largest in China, Just because of your mean little dong.'
There was a young man from Hong Kong Who had a trifurcated prong: A small one for sucking, A large one for fucking, And a [honey | 'boney'] for beating a gong.
A marine being sent to Hong Kong Got a doctor to alter his dong. He sailed off with a tool Flat and thin as a rule - When he got there he found he was wrong.
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IndexSaid a pretty young whore of Hong Kong, To a long-pronged patron named Wong, 'They say my vagina's The nicest in China - Don't ruin it by donging it wrong.'
A silly young man from Hong Kong, Had hands that were skinny and long. He ate rice with his fingers, The taste of it lingers, But now all his fingers are gone.
The Bishop-Elect of Hong Kong Has a cock that is ten inches long. He thinks the spectators Are admiring his gaitors When he goes to the Gents - he is wrong.
There was a young girl from Hong Kong, Whose cervical cap was a gong. She said with a yell, As a shot rang the bell, "I'll give you a ding for a dong."
There was a young man in Hong Kong, Who grew seven fathoms of prong. It looked, when erect, About as you'd expect, When coiled, it did not seem so long.
There was a young man from Hong Kong, Whose pride was his elegant dong. When girls asked, "Do you use it?" He replied, "Just amuse it, And you'll get it too much and too long."
A cheerful young chap from Hong Kong Had a truly fantastic oolong: It would swell into place For a twelve-day embrace, And none would complain 'twas too long.
Said a timid young girl in Hong Kong, On seeing her cabdriver's dong: "I have heard about sex And its heady effects, But must I use that to go wrong?"
Hong Kong - see blue
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IndexHong Kong - see St. Peters
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IndexThere was an old woman of Honiton, Whose conduct I've written a sonnet on. With a cold in her head, She departed to bed, For a week, with her boots and her bonnet on.
There is a young miss named Honoree, When a man says to her, "I adore 'ee," She opens her twat To give him a shot, And then gets extremely encore-y.
'Tis strange how the newspapers honour A creature that's called prima donna; They say not a thing Of how she can sing, But write reams of the clothes she has on her.
There was a young outlaw named Hood, Who lived in a Nottingham wood; He learned how to fuck From old Friar Tuck, And made Marion whenever he could.
When a virginal maiden named Hood Met a flashy young wolf in the wood, Though she'd said she would die Undefiled, ere comply, She gave in when she saw how things stood.
Sherwoodpecker
I warn you, said old Robin Hood, That I am in a terrible mood, And feeling all wrecked Since my pecker has checked All the bugs in the trees of the wood!
A gang leader, a budding young hood, Was released by Judge Dooby DoGood, Who said, "Robberies and lootings And alleged drive-by shootings Simply mean that you're misunderstood.".
A bandit was bold Robin Hood, Whose motives were misunderstood. He took tons of riches, From rich sons-of-bitches, And reviled them while pulling his pud.
Daily Ditty 147 Tuesday, 11 November, 1997
Two cannibal thieves wearing hoods Fell out over ill-gotten goods Though each swore, "I'm your friend!" It all came to an end When a thief passed his friend in the woods
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Index"This Cuban mystique is all hooey!" (Said a long-winded guy they call Louie.) "This here Tampo Rico Is all you should seek." (Though He also will answer to 'Sooooey'!"
An oversexed young girl named Hooker Says life has just up and forsook 'er. At a party in Taft She felt every man's shaft, But not a damn fellow there took 'er.
A souse by the name of Hooper, After drinking, and in a stupor, Awoke from a coma, Sniffed a flaming aroma, Said, "That last puff was a blooper!"
There was a young maiden named Hoople Whose bosom was triple, not duple; So she had one removed But it grew back improved And at present her front is[Miss Hoople's] quadruple.
Shouted Frosty the Snowman, "Hooray! I'm agog with excitement today! And the reason, of course: A reliable source Said a snow-blower's headed this way!"
hooray - see chagrin
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IndexThere was a young lady named Hooton Whose cunt you could put [a top-boot | your whole foot] in. So her husband divorced her And married a worster, With a cunt that an oak-tree could root in.
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IndexSaid Paisley: 'I've given up hope, The world's on a mad slippery slope; What a farce they have made Of my brilliant crusade, For I've been nominated as Pope.'
There was a young lady named Hope, Whose Ma washed her mouth out with soap, When she found her asprawl With three boys in the hall, And doing her utmost to cope.
On her high horse, a lady named Hopper, Declared she would let no man topper. Till Freddy the Fink, Having plied her with drink, Slipped her cinch - and did she come a cropper!
A hapless church tenor was Horace Whose skin was so terribly porous, Sometimes in the choir He'd start to perspire, And nearly drown out the whole chorus.
A Roman of old, named Horatio, Was fond of a form of fellatio. He kept accurate track Of the boys he'd attack, And called it his cock-sucking ratio.
On the porch of a dude named Horatio, His girl got a yen for fellatio. As she sucked on his dingus, He tried cunnilingus, But the cops ran them off of the patio.
There was a young man named Horatio, With a fondness for ice-creamed fellatio. He dispensed of his favors In thirty-one flavors, Including, we might add, pistaychio.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn, Who wished he had never been born: So he sat on a chair, Till he died of despair, That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
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IndexA surgeon who haled from Cape Horn, Had rebuilt a cock that was worn. But his climaxing feat Was replacing the meat, Of a snatch that was tattered and torn.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn, Who wished he had never been born: Nor would he have been If his father had seen That the [end of the rubber | bloody French Letter] was torn.
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IndexHorne - see show
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IndexThere was a young boy, Jack Horner, Who played with his plums in the corner; Said his father: 'That's bad. When I was a lad, I preferred a massage down the sauna.'
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IndexAn Eskimo maiden named Horner, Was inspecting her puss-in-a-corner. She said, "Jesus, what hair! It looks like a bear. If papa goes by, I'm a goner!"
Two romantic young lovers, quite horny, Found fucking in bed much to corny. So they wooed in a wood, Which would have been good Had the mossy banks not been so thorny.
Their parents, they claimed, were horrendez. Their beatings and anguish were endlez. And so, what to do? The two shot the two. The jury was hung not Menendez.
Daily Ditty 152 Sunday, 16 November, 1997
PHILADELPHIA: Man caught with a horse; His wife quickly files for divorce He does not dispute The grounds for her suit: "Infidelity in filly," of course!
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IndexKay wants a man hung like a horse, So I'm picked as a matter of course. When all other dates fail, I can count on her tail, Which is twice as hot since her divorce.
Horsett - see Rose
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IndexI once owned a pretty white horse, And I rode him daily of course. We did once collide With a wall, and he died, And the pain that I feel is remorse. I conjured my horse back to life, But the spirit did frighten my wife. She wouldn't stay, Even for a day; She left me and caused me much strife. Then for reasons I can't ascertain, My horse became deceased again. Then when I asked why, I just got the reply That he stepped right in front of a train. The train in its size was prodigious, As it whizzed across valley and ridges. So when it hit my horse, It squashed him, of course, And it wouldn't help him to get stitches. And so, with a deference due, Respect for deceased horses, too, I must say, my horse Was a destructive force; It cost me my wife, then died, too.
I once knew a sad girl named Hortense Whose mind was chock-full of ill portents She expected the worst, And she thought we were cursed By original sin and its torments.
The once-esteemed Lady Hortense Contracted from one of our gents, A social bequest, She passed on to the rest, With what we feel was malice prepense.
A young mountain lad name of Horton Once called on his gal for some courtin'. She had doused with perfume Labeled "Hill-Billy's Doom", And he stood there just pantin' and snortin'.
There once was a cowboy named Hoss, Who had quite a penchant for floss. Other cowboys would snigger, As his projects grew bigger. It's a good thing that Hoss was the boss.
Nintendo
The great battle was heavy and hot I just had to connect with each shot. But then, full of dread I found myself dead, So I put one more coin in the slot...
A girl who was horny and hot, Lying nude and supine on her cot, Yearned for a dick She could suck on and lick, And a tongue that would tickle her twat!
They say that computers is hot, So one of them gizmos I got. Now I play on the keys With the greatest of ease, But IBMbarrassed - a lot!
There was a young brave who got hot, And chased an old squaw who was not. So she stuffed her canal With some dried chapparal, And sprinkled some sand on her twat.
There once was a sad Maître d'hôtel Who said, "They can all go to hell! What they do to my wife - Why it ruins my life; And the worst is, they all do it well."
A perverted young pair in Hot Springs, Delight in peculiar sex things. They fuck in a daze, In a dozen freak ways, With the swingers their three-line ad brings.
A whore with a face like a hound Complained that her sales were down, Till a lover named Michael Bought her a cycle And she peddled it all over town.
A tousled old harlot named Hough Lost her trade on account of her muff. But the men came in flocks With inquisitive cocks, When she broke out her virginal duff.
Bill Clinton now passes the hours Dreaming of expanding his powers, While the public does say They can't wait for the day Till he spends all his time tending Flowers.
She said that she'd come to my house. So I started to work on her blouse. She said, "Be my tutor, And teach me computer." And I said, "Well, look, hold this mouse."
Newt Gingrich, the head of the House, Once fell in love with my spouse. "I'll divorce you!", I screamed, "If you dare touch his thing!" She said, "Don't worry, its as small as a mouse."
FOR WIDOWER - Wanted, house-keeper Not too [bloody] refined, a light sleeper. When employer's inclined, Must be game for a grind, Pay generous, mind, but can't keep her.
A man in the Land of the Houyhnhnms, Had a large collection of antohnhnms; He would say: 'This is great! They're in pairs, so they mate, Unlike synohnhnms, and, of course, homohnhnms.
There was an Old Person of Hove, Who frequented the depths of a grove; Where he studied his books, with the wrens and the rooks, That tranquil Old Person of Hove.
There was an Old Man who said 'How Shall I flee from that[this] horrible cow? I will sit on the stile, And continue to smile, Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
A farmer I knew once said, "How Shall I manage to carry my cow? For if I should ask it To get in my basket, I think it would make a big row."
Said an erudite sinologue: 'How Shall I try to describe to you Tao? It is come, it is go, It is yes, it is no, Yet it's neither - you understand now?'
Postscript to Orwell's Animal Farm
There once was a child who said: 'How Can a spider, a goose, and a cow Have equal delights And identical rights Without civil war, or a row?' Dear Child, you will surely allow Sound sense in our reasoning now; Though each equals me, I'm more equal than he. So I'm boss. Yours contentedly, Cow
how - see Kew
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IndexThere was a young fellow named Howard Who was thought to be magically powered. His dick was so short Many thought it a wart, But when it stood up, it just towered.
Full of lust, a swim teacher, Bill Howard, Was screwing a girl while she showered. He told her, "I hope, You're still holding the soap, Or else it's the Lux I've deflowered."
There once was a fellow named Howard, Whose tool, it was nuclear-powered. While grabbing some ass, He reached critical mass, But think of the girl he deflowered.
Oversexed is the word for friend Howe, Who in one day, twice mounted his frau, Several sluttish she-neighbours, The maid at the Tabors, Two sheep, and an old brindle cow.
There's a Portuguese person named Howell, Who lays on his lies with a trowel; Should he give over lying T'will be when he's dying, For living is lying with Howell.
There once was a builder named Howell Who had a remarkable bowel. He built him a building Of brickwork and gilding Using - what do you think - on his trowel.
There was a young fellow named Howell, Who buggered himself with a trowel. The triangular shape Was conducive to rape, And was easily cleaned with a towel.
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IndexThe dignified Duchess of Howell Examined the turd from her bowel, And announced, rather miffed, That she had never sniffed An odor so fetid and foul.
There was once a fellow named Howells Had a terrible time with his bowels. His wife, so they say, Cleaned them out every day With special elongated trowels.
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IndexA class-mate of William Dean Howells, Shot his sperm over a young coed's bowels. He said, "I regret, That I've made you so wet - And I fear I am quite out of towels."
'Twas a notion of William Dean Howells That a man should have ultraclean bowels. He would swallow pipe cleaners, The size of small wieners, With a chaser of pink paper towels.
Arresting Acronyms
A crook who used HTTP Was arrested, just ASAP. Via HTML He had read : "See this cell? W-Y-S-I-W-Y-G."
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IndexA wise chinese druggist named Huan, Was awarded a prize by the Khan, For a sexual depressive, To calm thoughts obsessive; It is now known as Upjohn's Down John.
There was a young lady of Hub, Went with her beau to the pub. But her Momma espied her, To the bathroom, she hied her, And Oh! how she made that girl scrub!
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IndexThere once was a dude name of Hubbard Who found he was bare in the cupboard. Said he, "Fools abound, With tales I'll astound!" And he became a rich lazy buzzard.
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IndexHubbard's - see Muffet
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IndexHudson's Bay - see Norway
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Indexhues - see Avignon
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IndexThere once was a parrot named Huey, Who said, "The poems on this page are all phooey, When you say them, your lips Do somersaults and backflips, And end up all crumpled and gooey.
An unrhymed limerick
There was an old fellow called Hugger, Who was captain and mate of a fishing smack; When a yacht crossed his bows, He said: 'My word! It's an awfully good thing it wasn't a liner.'
There was a promoter named Hugh, Who promoted a dance called The Screw. Disco by disco, From New York to Frisco, He made it the in-thing to do.
A stalwart young Klansman named Hugh Once dreamed he had turned into a Jew. He awoke with a shock And examined his cock, And found the poor thing had turned blue.
There was a lean lordling named Hugh, Who looked like a pious Hindu; But beneath that disguise We could all recognize The chief of a cannibal crew.
Ingenious indeed was young Hugh; His girl also cleverness knew. For a ride they did go And had three in a row On a bicycle fashioned for two.
There was a young man named Hughes Who swore off all kinds of booze. He said, "When I'm muddled My senses get fuddled, And I pass up too many screws."
Said a girl TV anchor named Hughes, "My device to boost ratings can't lose! While a news flash is hot, It is taped to my twat, And each night, I'm there spreading the news!"
There's an infantine artist named Hughes - Him and his the R.A.'s did refuse: At length, though, among The lot, one was hung - But it was himself in a noose.
Said a distinguished Professor called Hughes With standard Haskell we can't lose And all of his friends Had debates without ends About a language that no one could use.
A tired trainee at Hughes Hall One day on her blackboard did scrawl, "I've quite had my fill. Do just as you will. You're driving me right up the wall!"
Ode To Ellie Mae Clampett
for one of ellie maes hugs id wrestle a HUNDRED mugs just to twiddle her neeples and make little peoples while listening to flatt and scruggs yall come back now y'heah?
There was a Young Lady of Hull, Who was chased by a virulent bull; But she seized on a spade, And called out, "Who's afraid?" Which distracted that virulent bull.
There was an Old Man on the Humber, Who dined on a cake of burnt Umber; When he said, 'It's enough!' they only said, 'Stuff! You amazing Old Man on the Humber!'
Said Old Father William: 'I'm humble, And getting too old for a tumble, But produce me a blonde, And I'm still not beyond An attempt at an interesting fumble.'
Oh! Mrs. Humby, Mrs. Humby (Oh, how can your kisses so numb be?) If your face is so fair Thats exposed to the air, How beautifully white must your bum be.
There once was a girl, a humdinger, Around whom the boys like to linger, While babbling of love, But got nowhere. "Go shove!" She would say as she gave them the finger.
My sexlife is pretty humdrum. When I'm ready and want spouse to plumb, He says, "Wait a minute-- I've hardly got in it--" Then before I begin, he's come.
Cried the maid: 'You must marry me, Hume!' A statement that made David fume. He said: 'In cause and effect, There is a defect; That it's mine you can only assume.'
While bathing, a student named Hume Read a novel called "Sex in the Gloom." On arising, the dope, Skidded once on some soap And pole-vaulted right out of the room.
hummer - see Summer
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IndexA lady of virginal humo[u]rs, Could only be screwed through her bloomers. But one fatal day The bloomers gave way, Which fixed her for future consumers.
There was an Old Man of El Hums, Who lived upon nothing but Crums, Which he picked off the ground, With the other birds round, In the roads and the lanes of El Hums
"Here we are," said Attila the Hun, "Won't you join us in all of the fun? We'll slaughter and pillage, Every last helpless village. Come quickly, the action's begun"
hundred - see snide
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Indexhundred - see four
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IndexFrench towel boys, horny and hung, Have reason for praise to be sung. While Gerard's strong fingers Work your humdinger, Phillipe goes behind with his tongue!
On The Wreck of the Deutchland by G.M. Hopkins
A boat-load of emigrant Huns, Including five death-destined nuns; Came to grief on a shoal, But since Heaven's our goal, The dead are the fortunate ones.
A fellow whose surname was Hunt Trained his [cock | prick] to perform a slick stunt: This versatile spout Could be turned inside out, Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
The Queen of burlesque, Pussy Hunt, Could whistle show tunes through her cunt. But a close investigation Proved Pussy's vocation Was just a ventriloquist's stunt. Another young lady named Hunt, Could smoke a cigar with her cunt. "Smoking stunts growth," She proclaimed with an oath, Giving birth one fine day, to a runt.
A fox-hound retired from the hunt, [For he found that his | His olofactory] lobes had grown blunt To the scent of the fox, But he still would sniff rocks, For the mystical fragrance of cunt.
A water-pipe suited Miss Hunt, Who used it for many a bunt. But the unlucky wench Got it caught in her trench. It took twenty-two men and a big Stilson wrench, To get the thing out of her cunt.
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IndexAnother young lady named Hunt Could pick up loose coins with her cunt. But it couldn't make change, Which narrowed her range, And kept her from playing the Paramount.
A peculiar young lady named Hunt Has cunts both behind and in front. She's hot for coition In any position That the hard-peckered try for a stunt.
There was a young fellow named Hunt, Who was punting his girl in a punt. When she said, "On the whole, While you're wielding that pole, I'd prefer you avoided my front."
A hot-pussied dolly named Hunt Remarked to friend Joe in her cunt: "Keep up the hard poking To keep my cunt smoking, And after you come - you can bunt!"
Hunt - see rump
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IndexAll the lads like to hunt, And then proceed to bunt, That player of the game, Jennifer by name, The one with the strong-muscled cunt.
A revisionist female huperson, Was arrested for posing a new person. Her personifesto Persondated arrest: Lo! Her President Mary S. Truperson.
'Fore elections the promises are hurled, And it's BS that's mostly unfurled. If spread on the fields To further their yields, There would be enough food for the world.
Said the Postmaster General, "Hurray! I've something important to say. The letter you send From here to South Bend, Costs less than a penny a day."
hurry - see glass
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IndexThere was an Old Person of Hurst, Who drank when he was not a-thirst; When they said 'You'll grow fatter!' He answered 'No matter!' That globular old person of Hurst.
Hurst - see chums
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IndexThis man was so horny it hurt! At dinner put his wife on alert. "For my entree instead I'm fucking you in bed, Then eat hair-pie for dessert!"
There was an Old Man who said, "Hush! I perceive a young bird in this bush!" When they said, "Is it small?" He replied, "Not at all! It is four times as big as the bush!"
There was an old cripple named Hutch Whose lovemaking, girls found too much! He'd stand on a chair, Hold them by the hair, And do the poor things with his crutch.
There are three ladies of Huxham And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em. [And] when that game grows stale We sits on a rail, Pulls out our pricks, and they sucks 'em
A nervous young nympho in Hyatt, When laid, simply will not keep quiet. In the midst of a reaming The wench starts in screaming, Till she sounds like a five-alarm riot.
Hyatt - see Wyatt
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IndexThere was an Old Person of Hyde, Who walked by the shore with his bride, Till a Crab who came near, fill'd their bosoms with fear, And they said, 'Would we'd never left Hyde!'
Hyde. See Kilbride
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IndexThere was a young fellow named Hyde, Who took a girl out for a ride. He mucked up her fuck-hole, And fucked up her muck-hole, And charged her two dollars besides.
A modern young curate called Hyde, Will be pleased if the bishops decide That, to govern a see, One must hold a degree In Evil, both pure and applied.
There once was a fellow called Hyde, Whose twin self he couldn't abide; But Jekyll, the Devil, Dragged Hyde to his level, 'Inside job,' cried Hyde, as he died.
These hot newlyweds of North Hyde Flip a coin every night to decide Who will be the ridee, And tonight we see Bee Mounting Clyde to begin the night's ride.
Said an ex-Bunny, Miss Winifred Hyde, "I, the person, will not be denied." When asked, "What's to be done, When a man wants his fun?" "You can play with yourselves," she replied.
A simple young fellow named Hyde In a funeral procession was spied. When asked, "Who is dead?" He tittered and said, "I don't know. I just came for the ride."
Said a curve, "I'm becoming hysterical; It is hell to be merely numerical. I bend and I bend, But where will it end, In a world that is hopelessly spherical?"
There was an old barber from Hythe, Who shaved stubbly chins with a scythe. He said, "It comes cheaper Than using a reaper, Though it does make the customers writhe."
A curious old person of Hythe, Amputated his nose with a scythe, That he might ascertain If he'd writhe with the pain, Then yelled, "I undoubtedly writhe!"