A lady from way down in Ga. Became quite a notable fa. But she faded from view With a quaint I.O.U. That she signed, 'Miss Lucrezia Ba.'
A wood-fetish bus boy named Gable Is rapid, is thorough, is able; But when everything's cleared, He gives way to the weird As he lovingly busses each table.
An aged Rumanian whore, Gabor, Taught her daughters the art and the lore, Of keeping the house When shedding a spouse. It beats peddling ass door to door.
Cried a pious young fellow, Pat Gagan, "I'm in love with a sinuous pagan. Her legs are just fine, But she cannot be mine, Till Golden Calves all, are forsaken."
A newspaper reader named Gage
Would fly into a terrible rage
When he would choose
To read some big news
And find it continued ...
next page!
INTERIORS
A soprano recordist named Gail Got herself swallowed up by a whale. All day long in his belly She'd practice her Tele- mann Suites, till the poor beast turned pale.
Gail - see Crail
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IndexWhen the census man called upon Gail, Whose clients were all strictly male, And said: 'Your career Should be written here.' She entered the one word: 'Wholesale'.
To the butcher, a lady named Gail Made it clear that she charged for her tail. But he said, with reflection, "I can make no exception - You will find all my sausage for sale."
A savvy young hooker named Gail Got busted and lodged in the jail. But the jailer got hot To be lodged in her twat, And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
There was a young woman named Gail, Who fancied she'd go for a sail. Well, she boarded the yacht, But she stayed in her cot, 'Cept when she hung over the rail.
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily, Liked to screw with a friendly Israeli. Just the thought of his schmuck Got her ready to fuck, Which they did six or seven times daily.
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily, Fooled everyone, until an Israeli Squeezed too hard on the pair, Letting out all the air Of balloons she'd been pumping up daily.
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IndexThere once was a guy with an odd gait, Thought it strange that most fellows did walk straight. His hips he wiggled, And to fellows who giggled, He said, "Queer you took the bait, mate."
There once was a girl from Galahad Who fancied her father - too bad! She then caught her brother Going down on her mother, Who remarked, "Not in the same class as Dad.'
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IndexThere is an old he-wolf named Gambart. Beware of him if thou a lamb art; Else thy tail and thy toes, And thy innocent nose, Will be ground by the grinder of Gambart
Galbreathe - see Leith
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IndexThere once lived a certain Miss Gale, Who turned most exceedingly pale, For a mouse climbed her leg (Don't repeat this, I beg) And a splinter got caught in its tail.
Gale - see Crail
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IndexSaid a virile you tourist from Galion, Who was hung like a champion stallion: "I've fucked girls from Fort Worth To the ends of the Earth - None match the hot female Italian!"
A barber in old Galipoli, Who shaved only heads of the holy, Grew tires of sconces, And Latin responses, And switched to maternities solely.
A silly young bride had the gall To laugh at her husband's left ball. She had him so flustered He finally blustered, "Well dear, you clitor-is too small."
A disqualified wrestler with gall, As a woman had fooled one and all. Said she, with a scream, "I'd have made the men's team, If they'd only transplanted one ball."
galore - see bass
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IndexGood morrow, Neighbour Gamble Come let you and I goe and ramble: Last night I was shot Through The braines with a pot And now my stomach doth wamble
A gay lost his boots in a game... And returned to his home full of shame. "Lost my tackle" , he groaned To his partner who moaned "Our relationship never will be the same"!
A slick condom salesman named Gample, Believed he should set an example. To prove his reliance, He [dazzled his | showed all female] clients By thoroughly testing each sample.
A president called Gambetta, Once used an imperfect French letter. This was not the worst, With disease he was cursed, And he took a long time to get better.
One morning Mahatma Gandhi Had a hard-on, and it was a dandy. So he said to his aide, 'Please bring me a maid, Or a goat, or whatever is handy,'
Have you heard when Mahatma Gandhi Stepped up to the bar for a brandy? He lifted his sheet To wipe off his cheek, And the barkeep said, "Christ, it's a dandy!"
Many kids on our block formed a gang. For the law they just don't give a dang. They rob and pillage The streets of our village And who knows what they do with their wang.
There once was this young man named Gant, Who worked hard in a nuclear plant. He died six-months later A real 'hot potater' And his grave stone still glows brilliant!
A botany student named Gant Disappeared after winning a grant. He was found unmolested, But partly digested, Inside a carnivorous plant.
Said Los Angeles D.A. Garcetti, The defense was a bowl of spaghetti Thrown up on the wall To see what would fall. Justice turned into confetti.
There was an Old Man in a Garden, Who always begged everyone's pardon, When they asked him, "What for?" - He replied, "You're a bore! And I trust you'll go out of my garden."
Old Beethoven sits in his garden, His arteries starting to harden. Grim fate will soon come With his 'Di-di-di-dum' And Ludwig will answer him: 'Pardon?'
Sat Adam and Eve in the garden. When Adam saw Eve's legs a partin' He got a hard dickie Then had his first quickie And that's how we all got our startin'! You should properly read [from] the Bible. To tasting apple our Adam was liable. Since that was forbidden Both were sent out of eden And this is our starting - quite tribal.
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen; She was not over-sexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison.
There once were three fellows from Gar[r]y Named Larry and Harry and Barry; Now Harry was bare As an egg or a pear, But Larry and Barry were hairy.
Gary - see Garry
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IndexA timid young man named Gary, Was [was morbidly | most desperately] anxious to marry. But he found the defection Of any erection, A difficult factor to parry.
Charlotte was known for her gas, Which on occasion, she'd silently pass. But when she let one rip, It would shake the whole ship, And knock those nearby on their ass.
There once was a sailor named Gasted, A swell guy, as long as he lasted, He could jerk himself off In a basket, aloft, Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
In considering things gastronomic, Cakes and Ale are not quite economic; Though maybe we oughter Stick to plain bread and water, It's gin makes a tonic a tonic.
gate - see glass
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IndexA retired Civil Servant from Gately, Who lived in a home known as stately, Kept lions, for fun, In a wire netting run, But he hasn't been seen around lately.
Gates - see Bates
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IndexThere once was a midwife of Gaul, Who had hardly no business at all. She cried, "Hell and damnation! There's no procreation - God made the French penis to small!"
Gaul - see Hall
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IndexThere once was a young man from Gaul, Whose dick was exceedingly small. Said the female reportage, Of his noted shortage: "The rise is the same as the fall!"
And then there was old John of Gaunt, Whose pecker no longer got taunt. So he hired a young knight To fuck his wife just right, And he too, thereafter, was gaunt'!
There was a young lady named Gay Who was asked to make love in the hay; She jumped at the chance And took off her pants; She was tickled to try it that way.
There once was a pope who was gay. He would ride down the Appian Way, And wink at the ladies From his little Mercedes, Which he'd nicknamed his auto da fe.
There once was a knight named Sir Gayle, Whose armor made it hard to screw tail. So here's one for the 'Gipper', Who invented the zipper! And installed one in the crotch of his mail!
A wandering minstrel named Gay, Got a girl in the family way. Her brother and dad, Rode after the cad. And that was the minstrel's last lay.
There was a young lady from Gaza, Who shaved her cunt clean with a razor. The crabs in a lump Made tracks to her rump, Which proceeding did greatly amaze her.
By the Grand Coulee Dam, Mrs. Gear Said, "Let's start an expansion shop here." But her husband, L.A. Said, "We can't, there's no way. No. No, not by a dam site, my dear."
gear - see sense
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IndexWhen Smith caught his cock in some gears, They grafted on skin from his ears. And now the poor guy Can hear through his fly, And fucking just bores him to tears.
There was an old man who said, "Gee! I can't multiply seven by three! Though fourteen seem plenty. It might come to twenty. I haven't the slightest idee!"
Bob Schumann was one of life's geeks, Not blessed with the best of physiques. And so, to win Clara, That fine avis rara Took quite a large number of weeks.
There once was a flock of wild geese, Whose numbers were on the increase; Remarked Peter Scott: 'I must paint the whole lot,' Which he did - and still does without cease.
There was a young Japanese geisha Who suffered from mild alopecia; She met a young Briton Identically smitten, And they now run a barber's in Esher.
Consider the plight of U. Geller, A remarkably tricky young feller. Once, to tease, bent some keys Then said, "God, I own these And now I've locked myself in the celler."
Visas erat: huic geminarum Dispar modus testicularum: Minor haec nihili, Palma triplici, Jam fecerat altera clarum.
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Index"I should like," said my aunt, "to change gender. Every part of me's bruised, torn, and tender. For my man weighs a ton, Six times nightly, his fun, And in short, is a damned heavy spender."
I'm no longer sure of my gender, Since the night I went out on a bender. I wrecked up the car When I left from the bar; From my groin they removed that darn fender.
There was a young fellow named Gene, Who first picked his asshole quite clean. He next picked his toes, And lastly his nose, And he never did what was between.
There was an old bastard named Gene, Impotent, selfish and mean. His dick was so shamed By what the man claimed, It pretended [that] it was a spleen.
There was a young pansy named Gene, Who picked up a sadistic Marine. Said the Marine with a smirk, As they got down to work, "In this game, the Jack beats the Queen."
There was a young choirboy named Gene, Whose sex life was somewhat unclean. He received Extreme Unction Through anal conjunction - Gave his asshole an unwonted sheen!
A vampire, for generations, Would visit at southern plantations. When told with regrets, That he couldn't bring pets, He replied, "All my bats are relations!"
Farewell to the dear days of Genesis. We do these things now by synthesis. And who would not rather Have a test tube for father That a homo in loco parenthesis.
The Marquis de Sade and Genet Are most highly thought of today; But torture and treachery Are not my sort of lechery, So I've given my copies away.
There was a young girl of Geneva. A gorilla she got to releva. The result of the fuck Was a hen and a duck, A snake and a bloody retreva
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IndexThere once was a man of Geneva Who buggered a black bitch retriever. The result was a sow, Two horses, a cow, Three lambs and a London coal-heaver.
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IndexThere once was a maid from Geneva Who kept a giraffe to relieve her. The result of this fuck Was a four-legged duck, Three eggs, and a spotted retriever.
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IndexThere was a young woman of Geneva, Whose life was all joie de vivre. When she grew too old to joie, She employed a young boy, To restore the joie to her vivre.
There was an old maid of Genoa, I blush when I think what I owe her. She's gone to her rest, And it's all for the best; Otherwise I would borrow Samoa.
There was a young man from Genoa, Whose prick was two inches, no moa. It was all right for keyholes, And little girls peeholes, But quite out of place in a whoa.
Said an over-fastidious gent, To a whore, "If you mean to give vent To my passion, I hope You've made good use of soap, And have grown to the age of consent."
In Surrey there once lived a gent, Whose needle was horribly bent. "If you'll straighten it, Miss, I'll give you a kiss." So she tried, but she failed, and he went.
Sometimes there are airs grave and gentle, Religious, or, perhaps, sentimental Or the limerick's lyric, Or else panegyric, Or struggles with things elemental.
A bookkeeper known as Miss Gentry, Had two men in bed out at Bent Tree. The first one she fucked, While the other she sucked; Her system is called double entry.
A space-shuttle pilot named Gentry, Made love to a lovely girl sentry. She started to pout, Because it fell out. But the mission was saved by re-entry.
"The Prosecution calls these two gents From the white Bronco parked by the fence. We are introducing Al And a second O.J. pal, Two black loafers as People's evidence."
A charming young lady named Geoghegan Whose Christian names are less peophegan Will be Mrs Knollys Very soon at All Ksollys; But the date is at present a veogheg'un.
A young engineer name Geordy, Whose tool was a bit of a shorty, Used a tetrion crystal, And a nuclear missle, To make his shorty more sporty.
Close to Greybull, Wyoming, Mack George A good smith owned a livery and forge. He fell into one day The abyss out that way Which thereafter was called "George's Gorge."
Georgia - see Ga.
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IndexThere is a young person named Georgie Who indulges each night in an orgy: Soda-water and brandy Are always kept handy To efface the effects of that orgy.
Said the whore whom they called Geraldine, 'When I think of the pricks that I've seen, And all of the nuts And the assholes and butts, And the bastards like you in between...'
A creature of charm is the gerbil, Its diet's exclusively herbal; It browses all day On great bunches of hay, And farts with an elegant burble.
A homely young harlot named Gert Used to streetwalk until her corns hurt; But now she just stands Upside down on her hands With her face covered up with her skirt.
"Can it be", cried a thrice-diddled Gertie, "That the minds of all men are so dirty? For there on the bed With a hardon lies Ed, And yelling 'Let's Fuck!' since 8:30."
A lady of 80 named Gertie Had a boyfriend of 60 named Bertie. She told him emphatically That viewed mathematically By modulo 50, she's 30.
We were tickled as hell to hear Gertie, That frigid bitch, got it so dirty. For Little Jack Horner Got her trapped in a corner, And fucked her from ten to five-thirty!
There was a fine dandy, Beau Geste, Who approached a young girl with great zest. But when she had stripped, And he was unzipped, The dead bird just stayed in its nest.
Adam, before William Gibbs, Had free energy stored in his ribs. One day it let loose When God put it to use To make Eve, and begin Women's Lib.
There was a young girl of Gibraltar Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. It really seemed odd That a virtuous God Should answer her prayers and assault her.
There once was a priest of Gibraltar, Who wrote dirty jokes in his psalter. An inhibited nun, Who had read every one, Made a vow to be laid on his altar.
There once was a priest of Gibraltar, Used a Chinaman's ass for an altar. He said, "Nostradamus! My God, what an anus!" As he wiped off his cock on the psalter.
There once was a monk of Gibralter, Who buggered a nun on the altar. "Good God!" said the nun, "Now look what you've done: You've gummed up the leaves of the Psalter."
Bestowed quite at random, the gift of the Muse gives a wonderful lift; but if I had the pen of one Wilkins, A.N., I would happily set her adrift!
Big tits on the stripper, Miss Gill, At the topless joint give us a thrill. Their soft swaying motions Gives all the boys notions, And she shakes them with infinite skill.
There was a researcher named Gill, Who went for men over the hill. She found a chaplain called Clive, Who looked forty-five. But the dog collar gave her a thrill.
Said a girl who bought things at Gimbels, "Men all think of sex and sex symbols. And they just feel disgust For my tiny, wee bust - For brassières, all I use are two thimbles."
There was an old prune name of Ginty Who only ate muffins and thin tea. Thinking of sex Gave her the blecchs, And left her dried up and squinty.
Jerome was a silly giraffe, Who wore a disguise for a laugh. Well, Jerome was too tall, (Or the costume too small). Did is cover Jerome? Only half!
A passionate red-headed girl, When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, And her twat would get wet And would wiggle and fret, And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
There once was a gorgeous young girl, Who kept the men's heads in a whirl. Her long pubic hair, Was resilient and fair, And her nipples were mother-of-pearl.
girliest - see chums
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IndexDaily Ditty 145 Sunday, 9 November 1997
In my dreams I'd have many young girls Different sizes and shapes but all pearls Gentle hands that would glide All over my hide Massaging in sensous swirls The minimum count, 21, Is the least that I'd settle for fun I'd have one to linger On each toe and finger ... Each doing what's best to be done Says my wife (and I know that she's right) "Such a session would kill your out-right!" It would kill me, I know; What a swell way to go! I wouldn't mind dying tonight ...
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IndexThere was a young lady named Gish, Who was filled with a passion for fish. Five minutes of lovin' But a bun in her oven, And she gave birth to a platter of squish.
A proper young person named Gissing, Announced he had given up kissing. 'I strike out at once For something that counts, And besides my girl's front teeth are missing.'
There was a young lady of Ghat Who never could sit but she shat. Oh, the seat of her drawers Was a chamber of horrors, And they felt even fouler than that!
Ghent
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IndexA certain young person of Ghent, Uncertain if lady or gent, Shows [his | its] organs at large, For a small handling charge To assist [him | it] in paying the rent.
There was an old woman of Ghent Who swore that her cunt had no scent. She got fucked so often, At last she got rotten, And didn't she stink when she spent.
There was an old virgin of Ghent Whose pooper was horribly bent. And thus was her ailment The lack of impalement, For she shat at each sexual attempt.
There was a young widow named Gherrity, Who said, with a mordant asperity, "I'd have cut off his dilly, To use occasionally, Had he not willed the thing to a charity."
Life's tough in this old city's ghetto, Each kid wields his own sharp stiletto; One erstwhile bum A eunuch's become; He speaks in a lovely falsetto!
Said the Queen to her favourite ghillie, In a voice that was notably chilly: 'While we don't wish to quarrel, We don't think it's Balmoral, What you're doing to us with your willy.'
An Annapolis madam named Gideon, Used to say on inviting a middy in, "Now, lad, don't be nervous. It gets hard in the service, But my girls all have soft tums to tiddy in."
Bestowed quite at random, the Gift Of the Muse gives a wonderful lift; But if I had the pen Of one Wilkens, A.N., I would happily set her adrift!
An unfortunate fellow[teen] named Giles, Was badly afflicted with piles. The doc gave him an ointment, A sad disappointment, The girls smelled him coming for miles.
My island Eden, Gilligan. But first, removing every man. The older lady too. Just leave those two As young as when the show began.
There once was a girl who drank gin. That isn't too bad to begin, But reiteration Shows a high correlation With behavioral lapses called sin.
A young lad with passions quite gingery Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. He pinched[slapped] her behind, And made up his mind To add incest to insult and injury.
An Italian painter named Giotto, Seduced a nun in a grotto. The result of his crime, Was two boys at one time. "Give your sons to the church," was his motto.
There's really an amazing girl, Doing things that will make your hair curl. She sucks and she nips, Ties down and whips, You really should give her a whirl.
Though I don't carry all that much girth, Making love's to girls is Heaven on Earth. When up go their knees, The way that they squeeze, Just milks me for all that it's worth!
A giddy young girl up at Girton, When found with a man, had no skirt on. She explained to her tutor, "He thought I looked cuter - The subject is one he's expert on."
A young jewish boy named Gish, Used to jack off in a knish. And he'd thrust his thin cock In a barrel of lox, Making a cream sauce for the fish.
There was a young lady of Glamis, Who would undress without any quamis. She would strip to the buff, For enough of the stuff, And freely dispose of her charmis.
A modest young maiden of Glamis, Whilst bathing was bothered by qualms Lest curious shrimps Might catch a brief glimpse Of all her most intimate charms.
On a Tennyson poem.
The rose gives a tremulous glance, And sighs: 'He is lost in a trance!' 'Let us wait,' cries the pink, 'He is coming, I think' But the passion flower weeps: 'Not a chance.'
There once was a fellow named Glantz Who on entering a toilet in France, Was in such a heat To paper the seat, He shit right into his pants.
There was a young woman of Glasgow Whose party proved quite a fiasco; At nine-thirty, about, The lights all went out Through a lapse on the part of the gas co.
A very strange lad from Glasgow, Took all of his meals with his cow. He explained, "It's uncanny, She's so like Aunt Fanny!" But he didn't indicate how.
There was a young lady of Glasgow, And foldly her lover did ask, "Oh, Pray allow me a fuck," But she said, "No, my duck, But you may, if you please, up my arse go."
A Clean programmer in Glasgow Told me he would make a precious vow. "I have worked with Haskell And that is all very well, But I want to have speed up now."
A composer named Philip Glass, Philip Glass, Philip Glass, Philip Glass, Philip Glass, Philip Glass, Philip Glass, Philip Glass, Philip Glass, Philip Glass, Philip Glass.
Glass - see Cass
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IndexA Sunday school student named Glass, Soon rose to the head of his class. He wasn't that bright, But he did sleep at night, With his prick up the minister's ass.
Bennett can sit on my glass And spin around fast on his ass. An enema 'stout' Will cure him, no doubt, Of spewing his crap to the mass.
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IndexThe Graveyard
Strolling home after having a glass (Or two) of both Carlsberg and Bass, We were walking along And singing a song, When the graveyard we happened to pass. The Tom got a brilliant idea; "Come on fellows, let's go in here. The stones we will scan In search of the man Who's the oldest." We went with no fear. The Tom, searching round by a tree Said, "Look here lads. Please come and see. Here lies Willy Jones. He's got some old bones. He lasted 'til age 83." Next, wandering by the church door, I called out, "Look here, it's Ben Shore. He lived just down the road, Was a miserable toad, But he made it to age 94." The Pete, who had stayed near the gate Yelled, "This one reached one forty-eight." So Thomas and me Rushed over to see; Yes, that's what the marker did state! "Get a light then," said Peter, "And hurry." So up to the stone we did scurry And the glow from the flame Revealed the man's name: "148 Miles from Surrey."
There was a young man from Glenchasm, Who had a tremendous orgasm. In the midst of his thralls, He burst both his balls, And covered an acre with plasm.
A young baseball fan named Miss Glend, Was the home team's best rooter and friend. But for her, the big league, Never held the intrigue, Of a bat with two balls at the end.
There was a young man of Glengarry, Whose cock was too heavy to carry. So he put it on wheels, And hired trained seals, For his opening night in Wilkes-Barre.
The birdwatcher focused his glasses, And spied in the brush two bare asses. He'd been looking for crows But forgot about those, And his gonads became swollen masses.
There once was a chick who wore glasses, Who wondered why all guys made passes. For she could not see, Just between you and me, That her snatch dripped down like molasses.
At Cordon Bleu, Charlotte named Glaze, Makes hors d'oevres which truly amaze. The men in her classes, Not only make passes, She gives the all straight bordelaise.
glean - see society
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IndexA neurotic young playboy named Gleason Liked boys for no tangible reason. A frontal lobotomy Cured him of sodomy But ruined his plans for the season.
A monkey exclaimed with great glee: 'The things in this zoo that I see! The curious features Of all the strange creatures That come and throw peanuts at me.'
A penisectomy shouted with glee, To the news of John's severed PeePee. He would not be alone, Wishing he had a bone, For another was Dickless as he.
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IndexAll the bees walk through flowers with glee. Then they fly away into a tree. The birds touch the pollen, And I know it's appallin,' But that's what I think, and I'm three.
glee - see sincere
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Indexglee - see professor
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Indexglee - see say
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Indexglee - see sea
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IndexGlengozzle - see Throstle
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IndexThere was a young man of Glengarridge, The fruit of a scrofulous marriage. He sucked off his brother, [And buggered | Fucked] his [own] mother, And [ate up | gobbled] his sister's miscarriage.
It's time to make love, douse the glim; The fireflies flicker and dim; The stars lean together Like birds of a feather, And the loin lies down with the limb.
There was a young fellow named Glinka, A philosopher, Sir, - Yes! A thinka. His thoughts were upon Little girls with nowt on; The cad, the rotter, the stinka.
There's a staffer with opulent globes Whom a Congressman lewdly disrobes. It's a question of lust With political thrust, Since in congress a congressman probes.
Biography's all about gloire, Sensuality, money, pouvoir - I am somewhat morose Cause de Spinoza: It's always the same triste histoire!
There was a young lady called Gloria, Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, And then by six men, And Sir Gerald again, And the band of the Waldorf-Astoria
There once was a lady named Gloria Whose lewdness was such it would worry ya. She fucked only negros - They've much bigger tregros - I'd say more, but I don't want to bore ya.
Said a calendar model named Gloria, "So the men can enjoy real euphoria, You pose as you are In Jan., Feb. and Mar. Then in April they wanna see moria!"
There was a young lady named Gloria, Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" She replied to the chap, "I'll draw you a map, Of where others have been to before ya."
These poets, with rhythm quite glorious, Crank out limericks most meritorious. With pentameter terse, They make jism with verse, And can make a girl feel fine and whore-ious.
There was an Old Woman of Gloster Whose parrot two guineas it cost her But his tongue never ceasing Was vastly displeasing To that talkative woman of Gloster.
An old couple living in Gloucester, Had a beautiful girl, they they lost her. She fell from a yacht, And never the spot, Could be found where the cold waves had tossed her.
An innocent maiden of Gloucester Fell in love with a coucester named Foucester; She met him in Leicester, Where he merely careicester, Then the hard-headed coucester just loucester. She turned up soon after in Bicester, Where the coucester was seen to have kicester. He caught her at Worcester, Where roundly he gorcester, And finally married her sicester.
Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester She obliges all men who accost her. She welcomes the prick Of Tom, Harry or Dick, Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
There was a young girl from Old[lady of] Gloucester Whose parents[friends] were sure[they thought] they had lost her, Till they came in[found on] the grass [To] the marks of her ass And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
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IndexThere was a young lady of Gloucester, Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. She wasn't much hurt, But it dirtied her skirt, So think of the anguish it cost her.
A CIA agent named Glover Begged head from a quick-witted lover, Who cracked, "Your erection Has condom protection - Would your boss like my blowing your cover?"
There was a young lady named Glubb, Whose cunt was as big as a tub. There was a room for her groom With a mop and a broom, And some space for an evergreen shrub.
A boardinghouse floozy named Glubb Loved sucking off cocks in the tub. Her midnight ablutions Were filled with pollutions Of men coming home from the pub.
There was a young fellow named Gluck Who found himself shit out of luck. Though he petted and wooed, When he tried to get screwed He found virgins don't give a fuck.
At the [Iphigenia | Dance of the Furies by Gluck, Two ushers attempted to fuck. At the [blare | crash] of the brass, One contracted his ass, And they carted him off in a truck.
As an athlete my future was glum; I was cursed with a too active bum. Said my doc: 'For your Wheaties, Substitute cantharides. Then, instead of going, you'll come.'
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IndexHenrietta was pevish and glum. Women's Lib said, "You're under man's thumb." So they doctored her widdley And made her a tiddley - Now she's Henry, and at her, by gum!
Young Michael from Sligo was glum. He was fat and unfit. Said his Mum, "Here's a bike and a diet." Fat Mike said, "I'll try it!" And he pedaled ten pounds off his bum!
glummer - see Summer
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IndexFor limericks I am a glutton But I must not press the wrong button When collecting a stack Thus sending them back And attracting remarks which are cutting.
A frank female rebel named Glutz Disdained any ifs, ands, or buts; When they asked what she'd need To be totally freed Of her hang-ups, her answer was "Nuts!"
Quoth a cow in the marshes of Glynne: 'All the world is divine, even sin. As a natural creature, I worship all nature, But most when the bull rush is in.'
There once was a very old gnu, Who was used by a chief in some stew. He should have been told, The gnu was too old. For stews, only new gnus will do.
In Paris some visitors go To see what no person should know. And then there are tourists, The purest of purists, Who say it is quite comme il faut.
go - see chums
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Indexgo - see NG
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Index"How fast does your new system go?" "But its just a design, don't you know. Were it more than a whim I might try out GranSim. Real computers are always so slow..."
Though S. Beckett was rarin' to go To the Beau Arts Ball as you might know, His costumer effete, Left his garb incomplete. Beckett had to wait for his jabot.
Boadicea often would goad Some chance soldier she met on the road, Then paint with isatis, Their sex apparatus And embrace, crying: 'One for the woad!'
Two she-camels spied on a goat, And one jealously said: 'You will note She leaves the sheik's tent With her tail oddly bent, And hanks of hair pulled [out of | from] her coat.'
From the hagg & hungry Goblin That into raggs would rend yee, & the spirit that stands by the naked man, In the booke of moones defend yee Of thirty bare years have I twice twenty bin enragèd & of forty bin three tymes fifteen in durance soundlie cagèd, On the lordlie loftes of Bedlam with stubble softe & dainty, brave braceletts strong, sweet whips ding dong with wholsome hunger plenty...
There once was a man who said: 'God Must think it exceedingly odd If he finds that this tree Continues to be When there's no one about in the Quad."
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IndexThere is a creator called God, Whose creations are some of them odd. I maintain, and I shall, The creation of Val Reflects little credit on God.
Five nuns on a mission from God, Met a man with a beautiful bod. They ripped off their habits, And took turns like rabbits, Worshipping his outstretched rod.
There was an old man of Goditch, Had the gon, the syph, and the itch. His name was McNabs. He also had crabs, The dirty old son-of-a-bitch.
The nefarious Nazi named Goebbels, Once loaded his rectum with pebbles. The slightest suspicion Of guilt or sedition, Found him farting a broadside at rebels.
A vasectomy surgeon named Goff Says that drinkers would probably scoff, But the pleasure has gone From his tying one on - He prefers to be tying one off.
There was a young fellow named Goff Whose amusement was jacking it off. He pulled it so hard, It streched out a yard And turned to bright blue and fell off.
In his pulput the Reverend Goff During sermons delights to jerk off. It seems quite ironical Something so uncanonical Parishioners pick on to scoff!
Daily Ditty 122 Friday, 17 October 1997
My girlfriend has hair of spun gold She's brassy, she's brash and she's bold She knows what to do (And insists on it to) So with her I do just as I'm told.
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IndexA haughty young woman named Gold, Oft bragged that she'd never been rolled. But her story was blown, When her assets were shown, In a sleazy mag's new centerfold.
A platinum blonde, Goldilocks, Who kept a ménage near the docks, Had it off with three bears Near Wapping Old Stairs, And infected them all with the pox.
Lady F. is a frigid gold-digger, Who suffers from 'mortis de rigor'. So cold she scares mice, Her sucking on ice, Doesn't melt the cube, but makes it bigger.
In the soap-operas heard in Gomorrah, The heroine wakes up in horror, To find that a prick, Nearly three inches thick, Is halfway up her tune-in-tomorrow.
Gomorrah - see St. Peters
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IndexDonald Trump with Ivana now gone, Has Marla to help carry on, But Ivana won't quit, Writing notes in a snit, Their purpose, of course, to jeer Don.
There was an Old Man with a gong, Who bumped at it all the day long; But they cried out, "Oh law! You're a horrid old bore!" So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Gonzago - see Malfi
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IndexThere's a village called, "Come to the Good", Where the people don't do as the should. Every lad and his dad, Has gone to the bad - And the women would too, if they could.
good - see perusing
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IndexFor hours my wife says 'Goodbye,' And a marvel of patience am I; I can bridle my passion, Through servants and fashion, But at the mention of babies, I fly.
The latest reports from Good Hope States that apes there have pricks thick as rope, And fuck high, wide, and free, From the top of one tree To the top of the next - what a scope!
Dear John means that she has good-byed. If doubtful, more proofs are supplied. No " . . . Love you" refrains; No " . . . miss you" tear stains; No condom coupons are inside.
There was a young fellow named Goody Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? If he found himself nude With a gal in the mood, The question's not woody but could he?
I'm sorry I made such a goof; I guess this is positive proof That doing on Sunday What's only due Monday Will earn nothing more than reproof.
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Index'It's a very odd thing' remarked Goosens, 'But if ever my upper lip loosens My oboe propounds Such indelicate sounds I'm arrested for causing a nuisance.'
There once was a man named Gordon, Who was certainly good at hoardin'. But his most favored things, Were endangered with wings, Until he was caught by the warden.
At the Battle of the Budget
In the Senate, presiding, Al Gore Was arrested, and asked them, "What for?" He was told: "Don't resist, For our orders insist We remove all the blood from the Floor."
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IndexThe will of a lecher named Gore Revealed a cremation in store: Bedeviled by lust, he Had named a tart trustee To haul his old ashes once more.
A theological student, Tom Gore, While using his fist for a whore, Said, "It's not a solution, For total pollution, But I always can come back for more."
While ashore a young sailor named Gore Picked up a loose woman, a whore. To his utter dismay, Both her tits fell away, And her pussy dropped down to the floor.
There once was a fellow from Goring Who, finding inflation was soaring, Thought up a good way Of increasing his pay - He pimped to his grandmother's whoring.
There was a young person of Goring, Who made a small hole in the flooring. He lined it all round, Then laid on the ground, And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
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IndexThere was a young fellow named Goring, Who used his own wife for his whoring. When they said, "Thrice a nighting Must be quite exciting?" She replied, "It's excessively boring."
Der Überreichsmarschall, Herr Göring Macht ein kleinische hole in der flöring. Er lined es alle rund Und gepoken der grund Und declaren "Ist cheaper zan whöring"
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IndexThere was a young widow named Gormley, Who approached a young man quite inform'ly, And asked to be screwed. "Please do not think me rude," She explained, "I do not do this norm'ly."
That efficient young harlot at Gorms, Made us all fill out "New customer Forms" On "Position desired..............................." "Equipment required................................" And "Other (State Norms and Abnorms.........)."
There was a young peasant[farmer] named Gorse Who fell madly in love with his horse. Said his wife, 'You rapscallion, That horse is a stallion - This constitutes grounds for divorce.'
There once was a pony from Gorse, Who said to his doctor, "Of course, From your bill take half off; For you've not cured my cough, I still find that I'm a little hoarse."
A lover of old in fair Gort, Had two arms that were powerful but short. When for girls he would reach, He was forced to choose each, From the narrow and spanable sort.
There was a young lady of Gorton Who had one big tit and one short 'un To make up for that She'd a bloody great twat And a fart like a 500 Norton.
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IndexGosham - see Josham
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IndexA newlywed couple from Goshen Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. In twenty-eight days They [got laid | screwed] eighty ways - Imagine such fucking devotion!
There was a young fellow from Goshen Caused a scandal this side of the ocean. He raped both his aunts Who had St. Vitus dance, And explained, "I've got plenty of motion!"
A God-fearing maiden from Goshen Took a September-morn swim in the ocean; When a whirlpool appeared She rose up and cheered And developed a rotary motion.
Said a noonlighting housewife in Goshen: "There are service-club guys with a notion! And when luncheon is through, And I'm game for a screw, What I like is a Rotary motion!"
There was an old woman of Gosport, And she was one of the cross sort. When she dressed for the Ball Her wig was too small, Which enraged this old lady of Gosport,
Great woe befell Bernadine Gotch, While camped by Franconia Notch. She was raped by a eagle, Or maybe a seagull, Which then built a nest in her crotch.
Gottenham - see Nottingham
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IndexTo St. Peter, an ex-dean of Goucher, Declared she had let no man touch her. After carefull review, He let her pass through, But he shrugged as he OK'd her voucher.
Gough - see chums
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IndexA lecherous fellow named Gould Soliloquized thus to his tool: "From Cape Cod to Salamanca, You've had pox, clap, and chancre - Now ain't you a bloody great fool?"
Said the Stoic, tormented by gout: 'There are times when I'm tempted to doubt Our pose about pain, And disposed to complain It is something we're better without.'
A rather poor student named Gowdy At heart is salaciously rowdy; Though he never gets A's, His magnificant lays Make his dates rate him magna cum laude!
There once was a man named Bill Gower, Who worked in a nuclear tower. Girls thought it a lark His dick glowed in the dark And he fucked with so damn much power!
In my sweet little Alice Blue gown Was the first time I ever laid down, I was both proud and shy As he opened his fly And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. Oh! it hung almost down to the ground, As it went in I made not a sound, The more that he shoved it The more that I loved it, As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
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IndexI love her in the evening gown, I love her in her nightie. But when the moonlight flits Between her teats, Jesus Christ, Almighty!
Said the Duchess of Alba to Goya: 'Paint some pictures to hang in my foya!' So he painted her twice: In the nude, to look nice, And then in her clothes, to annoya.
The dong of a fellow named Grable, Was as pliant and long as a cable. Each night while he ate, This confirmed reprobate, Would screw his wife under the table.
A Benningtone student named Grace, Slipped a barbed-wire pessary in place. Her Chinese professor, Bent down to caress her, And moaned through cut lips, "I rooz face."
In the midst of an anthem of grace, The choirmaster slipped from his place, To goose the soprano, In a lingering manner, And returned with a smile on his face.
There was a young lady named Grace Who took all she could, in her face. But an adequate lad Gave her all that he had, And blew tonsils all over the place.
A fair-haired young damsel named Grace Thought it very, very foolish to place Her hand on a cock, When it turned hard as rock, For fear t'would explode in her face.
There was a young lady named Grace Who had eyes in a very odd place. She could sit on the hole Of a mouse or a mole And stare the beast square in the face.
Edward Cech, by Almighty God's grace, Was the first man on Earth for to trace The sordid and dreary Cohomolgy theory Of a subnormal bicompact space.
Precede us, O Lord, with Thy Grace, As we travel through time and through space. In all that we do, May we magnify You, Our reward as we run the straight race.
A native of Havre de Grace, Once tired of cunt, said, "I'll try arse." He unfolded his plan To another young man, Who said, "Most decidedly, my arse!"
There was a young lady named Grace, Who would not take a prick in her "place". Though she'd kiss it and suck it, She never would fuck it. She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
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IndexA happy old hooker named Grace, Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. It was hard for beginners To tell who were winners, With cunt hairs all over the place.
There once was a maid with such graces That her curves cried out for embraces. 'You look,' cried each he[said McGee], 'Like a million to me - Invested in all the right places!'
FRIEDRICH NIETZCHERICKS III:
While he may not have typical graces, Still he won't be a beast or papacious. For he's (a) not one sides And (b) always guided By the future he sees as our race's. Of course, don't be fooled, it's not a breeze To produce one or more of such prodigies. It's a task that's enormous, Since we're mostly conformists And have wills even softer than cottage cheese. And the weak ones all feel trepidations In the face of real strength's emanations. For while they rule the world, On their banner, unfurled, Will read: Power to all tepid nations! If the power in question's through voting, Then the weak might of course do some gloating. But mere strength that's from gangs Is like sheep that grow fangs: Still sheep, though they don a wolf's clothing. With the aid of the Word of Our Lord, Earthly rule was usurped by this horde. From year One (Anno Domini) What they preached was ignominy: That the penitent's mightier than the sword! All the same let us hope, if not pray, There's a chance for a new dawn of day. Though he may be high-priced, Let's all hail Antichrist. And we'll hope he can show us The Way.
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IndexTonya Harding, not in the best graces, Earned some medals to show where her place is. When she fell on her ass She was given the brass, But the gold was for tying her laces. To the judge Tonya made her sad plea, "My shoelace is broke, can't you see?" He was moved by her fate And said, "Fix it, we'll wait." But the judge should have busted her knee.
Det fanns en ung dam ifraan Graenna Som sina stjaertmuskler saa kunde spaenna Att uti sitt haal Hon kunde strypa en aal Och till och med vaessa en paenna.
Grail - see Crail
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IndexThere was a great German Grammarian, Whose grandmother wasn't an Aryan, So his books have been burned And his person interned, And his doctrine denounced as barbarian.
First Flight
Said Wilbur Wright, 'Oh, this is grand, But, Orville, you must understand. We've discovered all right The secret of flight - The question is, how do we land?'
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IndexWe know cunnilingus is grand. But what I cannot understand Who was the first guy To give it a try? I think we should give him a hand.
A young man from Zamora was grand. Women flocked from all over the land. They all wanted a peek, Or better, a tweak, And a chance to be under his hand.
Surfing for Sex
He thought that web porno was grand, With smut from all over the land. Now he's stuck in his home (Carpal tunnel syndrome) From typing with only one hand.
The favorite pastime of grandfather, Was tickling his balls with a feather. But the thing he liked best Of all of the rest, Was knocking them gently together.
grandmothers - see lot
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IndexA gallant young Frenchman named Grandhomme, Was attempting a girl on a tandem. At the height of the make, She slammed on the brake, And scattered his semen at random.
Howard Cosell Grandiose Gave answers quite often verbose. Culling grain from the chaff, Rarely produced a laugh, And the viewer became comatose.
A busty young girl of Grand Prairie Has tits hardly seen in a dairy. But in matters of sex These have splendid effects On all but the senile and fairy.
There was a young man called Grainger Who had no conception of danger. I've heard that it's true That he beat himself blue So deranged was this Ozie arranger.
A shepherdess high in the Grams Had a beautiful slit 'twixt her hams. One day an old buck Got her down for a fuck, And now she's the mother of lambs.
There was an Old Person of Grange, Whose manners were scroobious and strange; He sailed to St Blubb, in a waterproof tub, That aquatic Old Person of Grange.
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IndexAn Idaho gal named Miss Grange Roamed the hills for a purpose quite strange. When she found a young hick, She would measure his prick, And if long, drive it Home On The Range.
A farm girl ten miles south of Granger, Was fucked all one night in the manger. She claimed not to know Who diddled her so, But she says that it felt like a stranger.
There once was this little old granny, Was fucking her boyfriend named Danny, But her cunt was so loose And of such little use That he switched to the hole in her fanny!!
Grant - see Nahant
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IndexA incestuous bastard named Grant, Remarked while ass fucking his aunt: "Dear, somehow or other, It isn't like mother, Though the difference is actually scant."
An aspiring young fellow named Grant Unwillingly buggered his aunt. He said, "On my uncle's Backside are carbuncles: I wish that I could, but I can't."
Said a crow to a pelican, "Grant Me the load of your bill, for my aunt Has asked me to tea." Said the other, "Not me, Ask my brother, please, this pelican't!"
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IndexFather Donnelly lay on the grass, With a dornicker probing his ass. When the fellow proved slow, He said, "Look, come and go; For I've got to get back and say Mass."
There was an old man named Grasty, Whose favorite sport was ass-ty. He'd bugger with joy Any innocent boy, But thought fornication was nasty.
A handsome young rodent named Gratian, As the lifeguard became a sensation. All the lady mice waved And screamed to be saved By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
Said another young woman of Gratz, "You ask how much screwing? Why, lots! About ten to fourteen With perversions between. Any less and I break out in spots."
An epicure living at Gratz, Was exceedingly partial to cats. He relished them toasted, Or boiled, baked, or roasted, Or thoroughly stewed in old hats.
gravy - see nation
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IndexSaid a cheerful young woman of Gratz, Who made love on the flimsiest cots, "With the final hup-hup, The whole thing folds up, And it's fun to end tied up in knots."
There was an Old Person in [Gray | grey] Whose feelings were tinged with dismay; She purchased two Parrots And fed them with Carrots, Which pleased that Old Person in Gray.
When a horseplaying golfer named Gray Balled a girl in the rough one fine day, He found her, though willing, Just barely fulfilling.... "I would rate her," said Gray, "a par lay."
The wife of young sea captain Gray Deprived of her absent mate's lay, Found a dildo of wood Could be almost as good - So she's happily pining away.
We were painting the church steeple gray, when the wind blew our brushes away. We said to the pastor, "We've had a disaster!" He calmly replied, "Let us spray."
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IndexA lady who saw only gray, Was struck twice by lightning one day, She now sees more shades Than a Ray-Ban parade, And she works in a sideshow for pay.
Daily Ditty 125 Monday, 20 October 1997
My real girlfriend's hair's turning gray And I guess I helped make it that way I think it's divine, It goes well with mine, And she's there when I need her each day I apologize now to you folks Who come here expecting good jokes I know some don't care For a week of bad hair, Soon it's back to my usual strokes But there's one going 'round in my head - Hairy limerick I can't leave for dead - Just one more I've got A hair parting shot And I'll post it before I'm in bed. Now aren't you a real lucky guy To have your sweet girl standing by To answer your call Be it summer or fall Dare I start asking you why? John's real girl has patience sublime, To stand by him all of this time While he bragged of girls With contrary curls. She must like a guy who can rhyme.
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IndexIt seems that our neighbor, Miss Gray, Has odd sex desires, so they say. She delights in her folly With a pedigreed collie, And each year gives a litter away.
JEAN-PAUL SARTRICKS III
Still, don't think, once you finally are grayed, You can rest, since your dues are then paid. For remember this fact: From the first to last act, You're no player; you're just a role played. From cool planning to maiden aunt's manias. All our lives are thus really spontaneous. Since no Self stands behind them, There's no substance to bind them. We're more mutable than even Lon Chaney is! And so why, as you ask with propriety, Is there so much Bad Faith in society? Sartre's reply, if we heed him, Is fear of our freedom: When Bad Faith says Goodby-Hi, Anxiety! Thus the age of commitment's paralysis Sees Jung's archetypes and Freudian Phalluses. To self-choice the response is "Let's blame the unconscious!" If you're anxious, try psychoanalysis. But such theories, however exotic, Can't explain either saint or psychotic. For to say what we did Is the work of our id Is to say something quite id-iotic. An act's purpose is never laid bare Through a goal of which it's unaware. To say these actions' goals Aren't in these but in those, Is like dying your roots, not the hair! So for minds that have Sartrian bents, Such advice is worth less than ten cents. The main flaw with such "shrinks," As the Sartrian thinks Is you'll never get Whither from Whence!
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IndexThe enjoyment of sex, although great, For some years, is[Is in later years] said to abate. It may well be so, But how would I know? I am only seventy-eight.
Great Bay - see Norway
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IndexA painter who came from Great Britain Hailed a lady who sat with her knitain. He remarked wit a sigh, 'That park bench - well[,er] I[gh] Just painted it, right where you're sitain.'
Great Britain - see chagrin
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IndexThat naughty old Sappho of Greece Said, 'What I prefer to a piece Is to have my pudenda Rubbed hard by the enda The little pink nose of my niece.'
Daily Ditty 157 Friday, 20 November 1997
A dweller in classical Greece Was caught loving the corpse of his niece He said, "Others have boys As their classical toys, Why complain just how I get a piece?"
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IndexThere was a young blade from South Greece, Whose bush did so greatly increase, That before he could shack, He must hunt needle in stack. 'Twas as bad as being obese.
There once was a fellow from Greece Who forgot Pi's last decimal piece So he used electronics To collect Pi mnemonics ... Now he's hooked, and there is no release.
On an island off Naxos in Greece, A girl tourist wanting a piece, Was raped on the beach - It was useless to screech - Her bungholers were all Greek police.
In this nation where arrogant greed Is only exceeded by need, And crime is in fashion, The one's with compassion Are those who decide not to breed.
There was a young fellow, a Greek Whose bladder control was weak. It began with a whistle, Went on with a sistle And then ended up with a squeek.
On A.E. Housman
A Salopian student of Greek Had a love of Hellenic physique; And many a lad In Ludlow he had, By the dint of his classic technique.
A vain old Professor of Greek Would boast: 'I am surely unique. The rude hoi-polloi All cause me no joy.' So he formed himself into a clique.
We don't know much of Phallos, the Greek. He engaged seven sluts for a week. But the two who survived, Upon being revived, Were too flabbergasted to speak.
Said a chic and attractive young Greek, "Would you like a quick peek that's unique?" "Why Yes!", Joe confessed, So she quickly undressed, And showed him her sleek Greek physique.
A free-lancing artist named Greely, Had a model that suited ideally. At the first scent of paint, She would fall in a faint, And only revived when lanced freely.
There was a young fellow called Green, Whose musical sense was[n't keen | obscene]; He said: 'It is odd, But I cannot tell "God Save the Weasel" from "Pop goes the Queen"
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IndexA nutty old doctor named Green Thought he'd try out a brand new vaccine, Gave himself an injection That cure the infection, And even grew hair on his *thing*.
There was a Young Person in green, Who seldom was fit to be seen; She wore a long shawl, over bonnet and all, Which enveloped that Person in green.
Green - see Greene
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IndexThere was a young man from Green Bay, Who awoke with a sense of dismay, To find in his bed, A girl who had read All of Edna St. Vincent Millay.
A tackle who played for Green Bay, Was in training each night and each day. Isometic coition May improve one's condition, But it isn't as much fun that way.
There was a young lady named Green[e] Who grew so abdominally lean, And so flat and compressed That her [back | ass] touched her chest, And sideways she couldn't be seen.
There was a young lady of Greenwich, Whose garments were border'd with spinach; But a large Spotty Calf Bit her shawl quite in half, Which alarmed that young lady of Greenwich.
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IndexThere was a young man of Greenwich, Whose balls were all covered with spinach; [So long was his tool | And preserved every stool] That it wound round a spool And he let it out ina[i]ch by ina[i]ch. But this tale has an unhappy finich, For due to the sand in the spinach, His ballocks grew rough, And wrecked his wife's muff, And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. And then there's the story that's fraught With disaster - of balls that got caught, When a chap took a crap In the woods, and a trap Underneath--Oh, I can't bear the thought!
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IndexThe round rosy rear of Miss Greer, Has been voted the "Arse of the Year", By the nudists who know her, And it's hailed, further mo-er, By the pratwatcher, cocksman, and queer.
An amusing young lady named Greer Was always dispensing good cheer. Her favorite trick Was to suck on the prick Of a guest who was serving her beer.
Bummer
The patient, a sad sight to greet Was splotchy and red as a beet; Spots covered his ass; They came from a lass And not from a wet toilet seat.
There was a kind lady called Gregory Said: 'Come to me, poets in beggary.' But found her imprudence When thousands of students Cried: 'All we are in that category.'
There was a young girl from Grenada Who swore no man ever had made her, But they found on the grass The marks of her ass, And the knees of the last one who'd laid her.
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IndexA big-bosomed Bunny named Gression, Sold cigars at a Key Club concession. When she swiveled about, Even strong men cried out, For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
A charming old lady named Gretel, Instead of a hat, wore a kettle. When they called her misguided, She said, "I've decided To show all the neighbors my mettle."
There was an old spinster named Gretel, Who wore underclothes made of metal. When they said, "Does it hurt?" She said, "It keeps dirt From stamen and pistil and petal."
There was an Old Person of Gretna, Who rushed down the crater of Etna; When they said, "Is it hot?" He replied, "No, it's not!" That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
A singer named Ursula Greville Had a lousy affair with the devil. Her bush was so thick It obstructed his prick So he sent for the barber of Seville
Said an elderly Bishop called Greville, At a secret episcopal revel: 'We're distressingly bored With the words of the Lord, So let us discourse [on | with] the Devil.'
Down in Berne, Minister Grew, There's nothing that fellow won't screw - From queens down to cooks, They're all on his books, And he dabbles in sodomy too.
grey - see Gray
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IndexA cheese that was aged and grey, Was walking and talking one day. Said the cheese, "Kindly note My mamma was a goat, And I'm made out of curds, by the whey."
The reason the binmen ain't grey, Is simple, I really must say. On the back of their cart They don't give a fart For others - they're happily gay!
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IndexBig cities are reeking with grief; A haven for rapist and thief, And designed in a way So that half of us pay To maintain all the rest on relief.
There was an Old Man of Port Grigor, Whose actions were noted for vigour; He stood on his head Till his waistcoat turned red, That eclectic Old Man of Port Grigor.
"Though at times sex is sin," mused Miss Grillo, As she eyed the guy nude from her pillow, "Your equipment's so small That it's no sin at all - I would term it a mere peccadillo."
Why must you post this old grime? This newsgroup much favors new slime. So get out your rhymer, Your timer, and primer, And sit down and pinch a fresh rhyme.
There was a young fellow named Grimes Who [fucked | made] his girl seventeen times In the course of a week - And this isn't to speak Of assorted venereal crimes.
There was a young lady named Grimes, Who spent all her nickels and dimes, On satin and lace, To hold her in place, And keep her abreast of the times.
There was an old bastard named Grimes, Who bragged of his sexual crimes: One in bed with a whore, Sixty-nine on the floor - For a total of seventy times.
A famous gay cocksman named Grimm Was known for his buggering vim. When a fairy named Bill Asked the source of his skill, Grimm replied, "I keep fit in a Jim."
There was a young athlete named Grimmon Who developed a new way of swimmin'. By a marvelous trick, He would scull with his prick, Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
A certain old fellow of Grimsby Said "What funny things these 'ere quimsby. They've a hole in the middle Where we poke and they piddle But what use do the hair round the rimsby?"
Said a certain young man with a grin, "I think it is time to begin." Said the girl with a sneer, "With what? Why your pee-er Is scarcely as big as a pin."
Jimmy Carter came on with a grin, All over his puss. To begin It seemed rather cute. But it's no substitute For knowing what century you're in.
grin - see Burdew
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Indexgrinder - see her
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Indexgripe - see it
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IndexThere was an old maiden named Grissing, Who discovered what she had been missing. When laid down on the sod, She cried out, "Oh God! All these years I just used it for pissing!"
Oh! The truth makes us titwatchers groan, For that lush-breasted gal in Athlone, Whose bust looked unmatchable But both proved detatchable; The dear had no tits of her own.
Groat - see quail
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IndexEr was eens een juffrouw in Groningen Die had gruwelijk het land aan verschoningen. Zij waste haar fluit Maar eens per jaar uit, En dat was men Driekoningen.
Groom - see Bloom
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IndexA Spoonerick
A girl in a bathtub who'll grope In the suds for a lost bar of soap, Is the same in her search As a girl in a church On a quest with a soul full of hope.
If true (and, like the press, I'm just gropin') Then Bill Clinton will surely be hopin' That Monica, the slut Will keep her mouth shut When, previously, she'd kept it wide open!
There was an odd fellow named Gropper Who was famed as a maidenhead popper. When he couldn't get girls, He was known to chase squirrels - A whimsy some felt was improper.
gross - see pre-Socratic
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IndexGrott - see Schalot
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IndexThere was a young lady of Grotton, Had to plug up her coosie with cotton. For it was no myth That the girl had the syph, She stunk, and her titties were rotten.
There was a young pessimist, Grotton, Who wished he had ne'er been begotton. Nor would he have been, But the rubber was thin, And right at the tip it was rotten.
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IndexWinter is here with his grouch; The time when you sneeze and you slouch; You can't take your women Canoeing or swimming - But a lot can be done on a couch!
ground - see gown
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IndexIf the Concorde [ever | e'er] gets off the ground, 'Twill produce the most ungodly sound. Those aeronautical darts Blast out cosmic farts, That will level a poorly built town.
A kindly old doctor named Grover, Once said, "I am clearly in clover. Not being a fool, I use my own tool, Whenever I'm probing for ova."
The legend of Bobbitt is growing. It's a story well worth the knowing. He offended his wife, So she took up her knife, And put an end to his coming and going.
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Indexgrowing - see lot
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Indexgrue - see slew
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IndexThe young girl was feeling quite gruff, Till he placed his head in her muff. Then she purred like a kitty When his tongue hit her clitty, Saying, "I just can't get enough!"
There once was a girl from Mt. Grunt Who papered her twat back to front. Said her beau from Mt. Grabbit, "Please re-verse this habit. I'm ill with the taste of your cunt."
A daring young lady of Guam Observed: 'The Pacific's so calm, I'll swim out for a lark.' She met a big shark. Let us now sing the ninetieth Psalm.
Guantanamo - see Bruno
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IndexIn the forests of wild Guatemire Lived a girl who was always on fire. She would screw the day through With the gnat and the gnu, But the cobra did most satisfy her.
A company of Grenadier Guards, While traversing the park, formed in squads, Saw two naked statues, At three-quarter pratt views, Which perceptibly stiffened their rods.
There once was a stitcher from Guelph Who was visited by surprise by an elf She awoke in the morn And was terribly torn To find her stitching had completed itself!
On James Joyce's Finnegans Wake
Riverrun where can you guess? Finnegans Wake is a mess Will you help me get even Said left-over Stephen Yes I said yes I will Yes
There was a young fellow named Guesser Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser. He finally one day, When it vanished away, Became a mathematics professor.
I've a question to ask you, Dear Guest "Is all that development breast, Or can that enormity Be a deformity, Or a poodle perhaps on your chest?"
There was a young sailor named Guest, Who was struggling to get on the nest. Said his young Chinese wanton, "Don't forget you're in Canton, The tramlines all run East to West!"
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Indexguest - see best
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IndexThe Pachyderm God without guile Is not - I declare - 'milkophile"; The Elephant Frolic Is pure Lactoholic - That's surely the classical style?
Well, if it's a sin to like Guinness, Then that I admit's what my sin is. I like it with fizz, Or just as it is, And it's much better for me than gin is.
guitar - see objected
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IndexA certain young man of great gumption, Among cannibals had the presumption, To go - but, alack! He never came back. They say that he died of consumption.
Let the eugenist reach for his gun! Would Keats have been Keats if A.1.? And the world better off With a healthy Van Gogh, And a clean-living, right-thinking Donne?
They killed Indians with a Gatling gun, Left few survivors, nary a one. The Feds said they must Grind Indians to dust And that's just the way the West was won.
A soldier rewarded for gunnery, Invaded the halls of a nunnery. He taught the nuns joys And the secrets of boys - Now it's a coeducational funnery.
There's an avid young woman in Gunnison, Who's always around when the fun is on. And all she demands Is a hold for her hands, And a firm seat to settle her cunnus on.
guns - see chums
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IndexThere once was a learned guru, Who found he had nothing to do, So he sat on a tack And thought into and back And out and beyond, and clear through.
There once was a fitness guru, Who owned a fine kangaroo. The kangaroo did hop, Right over the top, And flattened the guru's hairdo!
An eager young hacker named Gus, Once buggered a VAX Unibus. The hardware went bad, But not the young lad. (Except for the toupee and truss) He didn't expect all that fuss.
There once was a fellow named Gus, With a stomach as his esophagus. After chemo and rad, (That's the best that they had.) He never regretted the fuss.
There once was a boy named Gustave, Who said that a chimp he must have, But his parents said not, 'Cause they'd already got All the ape they could take in Gustave.
Those doctors who cut up your guts Are out for the money, not nuts. When they scrape out your pooper, It's the dough they find super: The money! - no if's, and's, or but's!
That James is a hell of a guy. He can look you right square in the eye And feed you his bull 'Till you're really full 'Cause he's mastered the art of the lie.
If you say to a literate guy, "Limericks!," Comes a gleam to his eye, And he quotes one or two; If he can't tell a few, Then, beware, he's an enemy spy.
We feel sorry as hell for this guy, For he gave it the Old College Try. Still, a nympho from Livermore Kicks because he won't givermore, And that when his pecker's wrung dry.
guy - see gray
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IndexShe just yelled at me, guys, Socked me right between the eyes! I picked myself up; I didn't throw up; If she said I did, it's all lies.
Goldilocks has lots of guys. Pinnochio's one, I'm advised. She sits on the puppet, And stick his nose up it, And makes the poor fellow tell lies!
Van Guzen - see Guzzum
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IndexHave you heard of the knock-kneed Sam Guzzum And Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? There are some people say That love finds a way. But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'[t].
Said a post-Civil War belle named Gwen: "In defeat, Johnny Rebs lost their yen To impale Dixie tail, Since impalers would fail - But the South, suh, is rising again!"
Said a well-preserved harlot named Gwen, "I have chalked up my three score and ten. I can't ask for much more, But I'm going for four, And maybe I'll stop scoring then."
A shepherd who lived up in Gwent Kept a dozen old skunks in his tent; When asked: 'Do they smell?' He answered: 'Too well! They spotted my scent - so they went.'
Daily Ditty 95 Saturday, 20 September 1997
I once dated a Poet named Gwyn Who committed a Cardinal Sin When I thought she would drool From the size of my tool She just asked, with a yawn, " ... is it in?"
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IndexThere once was a nearsighted gynie Whose glasses were sparkly and shiny; But they stayed in the drawer While he worked on a whore And tied up the tubes of her [hiney | heine].
In area ten miles around Gypsum, Once a gal's caught by Hal, the guy strips 'em. He gives fillies rare fun As he gets off his gun In the sport for which Nature equips 'em.