This limerick is so filthy, all the of the EXTREMELY offensive parts were replaced by 'Da DAA.' Da DAA Da Da DAA Da Da DAA [Da], Da DAA Da Da DAA Da Da DAA [Da]. Da DAA Da Da DAA, Da DAA Da Da DAA, Da DAA Da Da DAA Da Da FUCK!
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IndexGeorge Washington said to his dad: 'You know that big fruit-tree you had? I've just chopped it down - Now, father don't frown - I can't tell a lie. Aren't you glad?'
King Lear by Shakespeare
GONERIL/REGAN: Pop's tops!
LEAR: True Cordelia?
CORDELIA: Oh, Dad!
LEAR: I banish you!
KENT: Gad!
LEAR: Vanish!
FOOL: Mad!
Believe me, these sisters
Deceive you,
LEAR: The twisters!
GLOUCESTER: And my boy's a bastard.
EDMUND: Too bad.
EDGAR: I'm disguised. Tom's a fruitcake.
LEAR: Me too!
GONERIL/REGAN: Prise those eyes out.
GLOUCESTER: I'm blinded! Boo-hoo!
EDMUND: I fix my own odds.
GLOUCESTER: The gods are such sods.
EDGAR: No they're not. Jump! All right!
GLOUCESTER: And that's true.
REGAN: My hubby's just snuffed it. To bed!
EDMUND: My lady?
GONERIL: He's mine!
ALBANY: You're still wed.
LEAR: The law is an ass;
Forgive me, my lass.
CORDELIA: Of course!
REGAN: Ugh!
GONERIL: Agh!
EDMUND: Oogh!
ALBANY: They're all dead!
Good old gods! Three cheers!
KENT: I feel queer!
LEAR: She's dead. Howl. Fool. Gurgle
ALBANY: Oh dear!
KENT: He's dead and I'm dying.
EDGAR: It's time to start crying;
I'm king. That's your lot. Shed a tear.
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IndexA young girl from old County Dade, Said, "I think it's time I got laid. My vibrator can tingle, But it's not cunnilingual, And that's how orgasms are made."
There was a strong lad named Dagg, Who young ladies liked to shag. He'd grind away furiously, But most curiously, His powers never would flag.
To her mother said sorrowful Dagmar, "My social life's simply a drag, ma. Of my men, there are two Who don't know how to screw, And the third one is simply a fag, ma."
There was a young princess called Dagmar, Who said, "I should so like to shag, Ma," And says she, "If you speaks To the King of the Greeks, He will lend me his own tolliwag, Ma."
There was a young lady named Dahlia, Whose bust was, in truth, utter failure. She was surgically blessed, With a chest like Mae West, And died happy of hypermammalia.
A certain young lady named Daisy, Who is really infernally lazy, Said, "I haven't the time To wipe my behind, But the way I can hump drives 'em crazy.
He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy, Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. Then his gargantuan pole in Her pink, tight, and swollen, Young cunt, just about drove her crazy.
Endeavored a lady in No. Dak. To shoot a large bear with a Kodak. The button she pressed, The bear did the rest. The lady stopped running in So. Dak.
There was a young girl in Dakota Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: 'In addition to gas We are rationing ass, And you've greatly exceeded your quota.'
Dakota - see Swoboda
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IndexA coed from U. South Dakota, Collected a clutch of male scrota. The hairy old hide, She opened and dried, And the contents she used for pelota
There was a young [girl | lassie] named Dale Who put [her ass up | up her cunty] for sale. For the sum of two bits You could tickle her tits, But a buck would get you real tail.
There once was a fellow named Dale Who suddenly turned rather pale When his girlfriend said "Please, I don't mind the cheese But the shaft is quite crusty and stale."
A lecherous barkeep named Dale, After fucking his menstrous female, Mixed Drambuie and scotch In the cream of her crotch For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
There once was a fellow named Dale Who suddenly turned rather pale When his girlfriend said "Please, I don't mind the cheese But the shaft is quite crusty and stale."
Dalkeith - see Leith
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IndexDalkeith - see Blackheath
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IndexThere was a young girl of Dalkeith, With a hymen in need of relief. So she went to the doctor Who prodded and shocked her, And stretched it with fingers and teeth
A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire a shit out of malice. While the worthy had fits The team made eight hits And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
There was a young fellow from Dallas, Who enjoyed doing things with his phallus. So many tricks did he try, It became, by and by, Little more that a leather-tough callus.
There was a young man from Dallas, Who had an exceptional phallus. He couldn't find room In any girl's womb, Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
A huge-organed female in Dallas Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, Was virgo intacto, Because, ipso facto, No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
There was a young lady of Dallas, Invented a singular phallus. It came and it went, And when it was spent, It proceeded to fill up the chalice.
There was a young lady from Dalas She had a great penchent for phalus It was her lovers endevor To sate her, however His manhood developed a great calus.
The toe of a postman from Dallas Developed a sizable callus. His wife wistfully said How she wished that instead It had been on the head of his phallus.
There was a young lady from Dallas, Whose conduct in coitus was callous. But this stopped on the night When her man, out of spite, Used a fireman's axe for a phallus.
Dallas - see Alice
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IndexThere was an old shopper in Dallas, Whose doctor practiced with malice. He warned the old gent: "You eat beans, you'll vent, And your esophagus develop a callus!"
There was a young fellow from Dallas, Who was rugged, enormous, and callous. He would shatter chrome steel, With one blow of his heel, Then powder the bits with his phallus.
In a whorehouse on Pee Street in Dallas, A popular trollop named Alice Is today in disgrace: Shitting in Madam's face Was no way to show ire and malice!
There once was a young man named Dallow, Who sparked with a girl in the hollow. He said that his dong, Was nine inches long. She said, "That's a hard one to swallow."
A horny young man from Dalrymple Was greatly distressed by the simple But obvious fact That the sexual act Called for something he lacked - A penis, and not a mere pimple
There was a young girl named Dalrymple, Who sexual needs were so simple. She enjoyed the full spasm, Of a perfect orgasm, By frigging herself on a pimple.
There was a young girl named Dalrymple, Whose sexual equipment was so simple. On examination they found, Little more that a mound, In the center of which was a dimple.
DISSIMULATION
An Oxonian fop, George Dalyrymple, Pleased his social crowd with methods simple. He'd sing high, then he'd toot On a large alto flute, This would help to hide his big red pimple.
An Asian in bed with his dam Was intent on avoiding a pram. He intoned, "Love of mine, Let us try sixty-nine." "How tempting," she cried, "beef and clam."
'Here with a loaf of bread ...'
A book and a jug and a dame, And a nice cozy nook for the same; 'And I don't care a damn,' Said Omar Khayyam, 'What you say, it's a great little game.'
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IndexThere once was a man who said 'Damn! It is borne in upon me I am An engine that moves In predestinate grooves; I'm not even a bus, I'm a tram.'
There was a young poet of Damn! There was a young poet of Pembroke, Who said 'Damn!' whenever Damn! There was a young poet of Pembroke, Who said 'Damn!' whenever his pen broke; So he'd get a new pen, Start all over a Damn! There was a young poet of Pembroke, Who said 'Damn!' whenever his pen broke; So he'd get a new pen, Start all over again, That determined young poet of DAMN!
Uncertainty
There once was a man who said: 'Damn! I can't possibly be in this tram For how can I know Both how fast that I go And also the place where I am.'
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IndexA young biochemist named Dan Always followed his nose to the can. He judged people best By the urinal test, As to race and to sex and to clan.
There was a young husband named Dan, Who set up his wife in a van, And sent her to park Behind bars after dark. It is hard to think well of the man.
There was a shy [boy | laddie] named Dan, Who tickled his girl with a fan. She started to flirt So he lifted her skirt, And gave her a fuck like a man.
"It is time," Dad told pre-schooler, Dan, "That we talk about sex, man-to-man." Dan said, "Certainly, Dad. I would be more than glad. Now, what is it you don't understan'?"
There once was a Boomer named Dan, Who came up with a wonderful plan. "I'll call my Dad Then I won't be sad - I won't have to go to Vietnam!"
There once was a VP named Dan, Who said that "Although I've been canned, I'll get re-elected I will be respected! I'm standing firm...er...when I stand!"
There was a young fellow named Dan, Who knew about sin, cos, and tan. He talked rather big Of his knowledge of trig; He did seem a clever young man.
A nearsighted drunkard named Dan Found a church in his search for the can. A priest in confession Heard this indescretion: "Any paper on your side, old man?"
A Victorian gent said: "This dance, The can-can, which we've got from France, Fills me with disgust - It generates lust - You should see it while you have the chance."
Cinderella slipped off to the dance, Where she dropped off a slipper, by chance. She was followed and wed, Then rushed off to bed, Where Prince Charming got into her pants.
The pawn's move is subtle and dang- -erous. One square or two it can range. It takes on the slant - Move backwards it can't And en passant is even more strange.
A British diplomat named Danner
Seduced a very young Japanner.
Though he diddled for days,
He could not get a raise,
From a pecker which hung in this M
A
N
N
E
R.
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IndexAn eager young spaniel named Dano Practiced hard to go mano-a-mano With a fellow named Gore, An unspeakable bore, But the bore knocked our boy on his can-o.
An intense dick addiction is Dan's, He stands at the piss-trough in cans, And avidly scans Every man's exposed glans, While a book on the subject the son of a bitch plans.
There once was a man called the Dan-ser, Who thought that he knew every answer To the questions we posed. But his party got hosed, When it got ultra-conservative cancer.
In a strip-poker parlor called Dante's, When a maiden has just lost her panties, She blushed, glanced around - And guess what she found? All the male players raising their antes!
To the mountains went sweet Dolly Dare, Intent upon having an affair. But her plans, they miscarried - The guys were all married, But you can bet she played no solitaire.
A transplant that no one would dare - A transplant from my pubic hair. Now girls come afar To "ooh" and to "ah" And miniature orgasms share.
The Royal Physician States His Position on Her Virgin Highness's Present Condition
Of that bulge in her waist line I daren't Proclaim with assurance inerrant That she's growing too fat, For it's possible that What she will be will soon be apparent.
There was an Old Man of the Dargle, Who purchased six barrels of Gargle; For he said, "I'll sit still, And will roll them down hill, Fot the fish in the depths of the Dargle."
A gold-digging doxy from Darien Laughed at Seth, the old coot she was marryin'. On their wedding night Seth Screwed the poor girl to death - Quite a feat for an octogenarian.
A young man of acumen and daring, Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, Was left quite alone When it soon became known That their use at his board was unsparing.
Night Scene
There's a slow tolling bell in the dark As the keepers are clearing the park. Like a desert, it's bare; And each tree and each chair Is a blurred indeterminate mark.
These newly-weds stripped in the dark. He said, "Let's screw like dogs in the park." "I've heard of this before I'll get down on all fours, But please tell me when I'm 'sposed to bark!"
There was a young girl of Darjeeling Who could dance with such exquisite feeling There was never a sound For miles around Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
A teacher who taught in Darjeeling was totally lacking in feeling. She would smack little boys when they made too much noise and send them all home loudly squealing.
A gifted old man from Darjeeling, Read sweet Susie's tea leaves, revealing The quite sordid facts Of various acts, The pious young fraud was concealing.
There was a young man from Darjeeling, Who got on a bus bound for Ealing; It said at the door: 'Don't spit on the floor', So he [carefully | stood up and] spat on the ceiling.
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IndexThere was a young man from Darjeeling, Whose dong reached up to the ceiling. In the electric light socket, He'd put it and rock it. Oh God! What a wonderfull feeling!
A surgical nurse in Darjeeling, Transplanted a prick to the ceiling. When she wanted to ball, It was no good at all, But the dangle, she felt, was appealing.
There once was a man from Darjeeling, Who played with his tool with such feeling, When he finally shot All the fluid he'd got, He covered the walls and the ceiling.
There once was a sultan named Darren, Who liked to play tricks on his harem. He caught him a mouse, Which he loosed in the house, And called the result - "harem-scarem!"
A doctorate-hunter at Darwin Wrote a thesis: 'Did Persia's Great Shah win The fight at Ras Khaim, Or, as some scholars claim, Did the Sultan of Old Zanzibar win?"
Oh, fie on you mother, you dastard! Come back with my feminine toys. Restore my abdomen And make me a woman - I want to go out with the boys.
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IndexA breeder of dogs - what a dastard! A chastity belt for dogs mastered: A device to ensure That the breeds remained pure, And no son of a bitch was a bastard.
Das Vizes - see Devizes
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IndexThere was a young fellow from Datchet Who cut off his tool with a hatchet. When someone asked why, He was heard to reply, "It removes the temptation to scratch it."
There once was a young man of Datchet Who cut off his [dong | prick] with a hatchet Then very politely He sent it to Whitley And ordered a [cunt that would | copy to] match it.
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IndexMighty proud of her snatch was Miss Datchet. For hours she would just sit and scratch it, And say with a smile, "It has tone, it has style; There ain't many snatches to match it."
There once was a young farmer's daughter, Who learned a bit late that she oughter Have studied what teacher, Her mom, and the preacher, Believed they had already taught her.
daughter - see Alice
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IndexThere once was a clergyman's daughter Who detested the pony he bought her, Till she found that its dong Was as hard and as long As the prayers her father had taught her. She married a fellow named Tony Who soon found her fucking the pony. Said he, 'What's it got, My dear, that I've not?' Sighed she, 'Just a yard-long bologna.'
There once was a cuntlapper's daughter, Who, despite all her father had taught her, Would become so unstrung At the touch of a tongue, That she'd deluge her beau with her water.
daughter - see Venus
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Indexdaughter - see chums
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IndexDave - see Belgrave
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IndexThere was an old hermit named Dave, Who kept a num chained in his cave. The Lord interceded, Gave the nun what she needed, Made Dave both her lover and slave.
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IndexThere was an old trapper named Dave Who kept a dead whore in his cave. But he didn't fuck her Or eat her or suck her; He just thought it made a nice grave.
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IndexDave - see Cave
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IndexThere once was a beautician named Dave. Had a plan for his clients to save. For describing their screwing, They got a free shampooing. And screwing Dave, a free permanent wave!
There once was this young boy named Dave, Who took all the money he'd saved, And went to see Charlotte, (The town's famous harlot) And was told to come back when he shaved!
Dave - see tide
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IndexMeat rationing did not scare Miss Davey, Who married a sailor in the Navy. For she knew 'tween his legs, He had ham, he had eggs, A big wienie, and oodles of gravy.
There was a young lad called Davy, Who hated the food in the Navy. He couldn't have beef, In case his false teeth Would drop out and fall in the gravy.
An unrhymed limerick
There was a young lady called Dawes, Went out to a dance without gloves; Her ma said: "Amelia! Should anyone dance with you, He'll take you for one of them actresses."
There was a young woman named Dawes, Whose costume was all made of gauze. When they turned on the light, Behind her one night, The fellows broke into applause.
To his wife, said the jealous Lord Dawes, "Slip this chastity belt in your drawers!" But her lover, a Celt, Found the key to her belt While Lord Dawes was away at the wars.
A wiser young lady named Dawes Looks forward to Christmas because She was taught last December By a store Santa's member That a pussy is meant to have Claus.
A limeraiku
John Keats rose at dawn Still forlorn, too chaste to taste The amorous Brawne.
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IndexThe moment my eyes meet the dawn And fetching the news from the lawn The words I keep rhyming While checking their timing Until a new limerick I spawn.
It was just like old Lester one day, When he joined a young woman in play, To fail in recalling, How to go about balling, So he did the whole thing the wrong way.
The passionate ass on Miss Day Is a great place for sexing and play. Voicing animal sounds, As her comely bum bounds, She insists you repeat right away.
Mehta's 80 if she is a day, But what's her is not easy to say, Her face has been lifted, Her bosom's been shifted, On her head she wears a toupee.
day - see biography
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Indexday - see blue
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Indexday - see LaFey
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Indexday - see wife
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IndexSaid a boy to his teacher one day, "Wright has not written 'rite' right, I say." And the teacher replied, As the error she eyed: "Right! Wright, write 'rite' right, right away!"
The groom woke up late the third day, To discover his bride's best friend, May, Had come for a visit, And crying, 'Where is it?' Was tearing the bedclothes away.
From the elephant paddock one day, They took poor Barbara Woodhouse away; There's no harm, in the least, Shouting 'Sit' to the beast, But she should have got out of the way.
'It's been a very full day,' Yawned Lady Mary McDougle McKay. 'Three cherry tarts, At least twenty farts, Two shits and a bloody fine lay.'
Said a certain old lecher named Day, "If my good wife would but go away, I'd locate a young lass, And then let the world pass, And I'd do what comes natural and play."
"I do love a lay every day, So whenever you're coming this way, Just phone in advance And I'll jerk off my pants, And we're set for a sexy soirée."
My wife works [very] hard all [the] day. Our income is ample, they say. But all of our bills Are high as the hills, And my hair is [quite fast] turning gray.
Daily Ditty 24
Two fairies were flitting one day In the meadow where they liked to play When the male made a pass at the other (a lass), Showing not quite all fairies are gay.
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IndexIt is said that an apple a day Will help keep the doctor away, But if that apple were green With a worm in between, You might wish for another entrée.
day - see Cannuck
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Indexday - see objected
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IndexDaily Ditty 172 Saturday, 6 December 1997
'Midst the throng that is here 'twixt daybreaks There are those here for cerebral sakes So four them (both of you!) How can this be true: This limerick contains three misteaks?
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IndexScott O'Grady hid out for five days In Bosnia, which didn't amaze Bill Clinton, by damn! He dodged Viet Nam In numerous devious ways.
Her pickup fucked Fanny for days, Altogether some forty-eight lays! Though her cunthole feels sore, She could use a few more, But the fellow's just left in a daze.
These days, the ubiquitous db. Reaches corners barely accb.; They say that it wrecks Many aspects of sex, With results that are quite inexprb.
This big breasted girl from D.C. Was famous for being easy. Her tits, she would flash 'em And let the boys mash 'em, Then get into their white B.V.D.'s!
A bellhop I met in D.C. Got all of his sex services free. He patrolled corridors Simply tapping on doors, And calling, "Hell, honey, it's me!"
A grave Church of England D.D. Ran off with a nice chimpanzee. But do not feel remorse, She was female, of course. The vicar's not queer, don't you see.
An assistant professor named Ddodd Had manners arresting and odd. He said, 'If you please, Spell my name with four "d"s.' Though one was sufficient for God.
De de de de de de de de, De de de de de de de dum, De de de de dum, De de de de dum, De de de de de de de de.
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IndexWhen Lazarus came back[rose] from the dead, He still couldn't function in bed; 'What good's Resurrection Without an erection?' Old Lazarus testily said.
Daily Ditty 297 Friday, 10 April 1998
In a whisper Christ spoke, nearly dead; Not to miss any word that He said The disciple drew near: "John ... from up here ... I can make out the roof of your shed"
When a top-ranking Nazi was dead His stone showed, in letters bright red, Quite simple and clear His completed career: Here lies Dr. Goebbels it said.
While his duchess lay practically dead, The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: "Can it be this is all? How puny! How small! It destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
You can't say that fascism's dead In Congress, ol' Newt is the head He abuses the House Like a substitute Spouse 'Cause nothing arises in bed.
dead - see bin
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Indexdead - see bin
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Indexdead - see Chaldees
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Indexdead - see been
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IndexThe Limerick Fringe
Though the limerick can not be deaded, In The Limerick Fringe it's beheaded, Is double, extended, Unrhymed or up-ended, Or else to the haiku is wedded.
There was a faith-healer of Deal Who said: 'Although pain isn't real, If I sit on a pin, And it punctures my skin, I dislike what I fancy I feel.'
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IndexMrs Whitehouse, mixed bathing at Deal, Emitted a loud piercing squeal. It seems she had fingered A something that lingered - And it certainly wasn't an eel.
There was an Old Person of Deal, Who in walking, used only his heel; When they said, 'Tell us why?' he made no reply, That mysterious Old Person of Deal.
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IndexSaid a godly young novice in Deal, "Though sexual sin isn't real, When Sister Sabina Dilates my vagina, I quite like what I fancy I feel."
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Indexdeal - see Chaldees
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IndexAt Harvard a randy old Dean Said: "The funniest jokes are obscene. To bowdlerize wit Takes the shit out of it - Who wants a limerick clean?"
Word has come down from the Dean That by use of the teaching machine Old Oedipus Rex Could have learned about sex Without ever disturbing the Queen
I once had the wife of a Dean, Seven times while the Dean was out ski-in'. She remarked with some gaiety, "Not bad for the laity, Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
There was an Old Person of Dean, Who dined on one Pea and one Bean; For he said, "More than that Would make me too fat." That cautious Old Person of Dean.
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IndexThere was a disgusting old Dean Who explored every crude magazine From cover to cover - Agog to discover The mean or unclean or obscene.
There was a young lady from Deanstown, Who would have walked off with the queen's crown At the CYO Rally, Had not Father O'Malley Caught her playing boy-girl with her jeans down.
His first night, Adam said to his dear, 'Darling Eve, you had better stand clear. Since touched by your hand, It's begun to expand, And I don't know how far 'twill uprear.'
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IndexSaid the nurse to the patient, "Oh dear, Your symptoms are not very clear." With his attention diverted She quickly inserted The thermometer into his rear.
Leered the dean to the coed, "My dear, I'm intrigued by your boobs and your rear! When I've got you in bed, I'll expect you to spread - We've an open admissions rule here."
So I said to the mermaid, "My dear, I've thought about this for a year: Since it's no use to hunt For a cunt in your front, By chance, is there one in your rear?"
A wife to her husband said,"Dear" "I'm infected with yeast, I do fear." But he was a genius Hung hops from his penis And said "Then let's just make some beer!"
dear - see chagrin
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IndexThe S&M bar, oh my dears, Is a place to get stomped on, for queers. To get beaten and spat on, And pissed on and shat on - The thrill of your gayest young years!
Because of an obvious dearth
Because of an obvious dearth Of intelligent life here on Earth Congressional nuts Make deep budget cuts In projects that have any worth.
This newsgroup has seen quite a dearth Of limericks with any worth. Some writer, quite crass, Use tits, twat, and ass, And pass the result off as mirth. There is humour in verse and in prose And the limerick is one of those Yours may give you a laugh While it makes others barff - It depends what you like, I suppose. There is a young fellow named Frank Whose Limericks are of high rank He'll rhyme and he'll scan As few others can Which is pretty good for a Yank. A note for you, Sue, this is it. My thanks for the praise from a Brit. A lie you've been told, I'm not young, but old, From rhyming I never will quit.
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IndexThe daughter of debate Who discord aye doth sow, Hath reaped no gain Where former reign Hath taught still peace to grow.
debate - see Engineer
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Indexdebated - see Claire
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IndexThere once was a man from Debitz Who grew a garden of tits They came up in the fall Red nipple 'n all But he went horny 'n chewed them to bits.
debt - see sex
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IndexDebwar - see Jaipur
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IndexThere was a young gal from Decatur Had sex with an old aligator But how it turned out We're still in some doubt 'Cause after he fucked her he ate her.
There was a young lass from Decatur Who'd become a wild masturbater. "Men are so hit-or-miss When tickling my clitoris, That I've purchased a big new vibrator.
There once was this girl from Decatur, Whose pussy was stretched like a crater. Hard pricks felt so loose She became a recluse, And switched-over to a G.E. Vibrator!
There was an old man of Decatur, Took out his red-hot pertater. He tried at her dent But when his thing bent, He got down on his knees and he ate 'er.
A horny young stud from Decatur, Tried seduction in his elevator. He thrust at her dent, But when his thing bent, He got down on his knees and he ate her.
A zookeeper out in Decatur, Was said by his wife to betray her. While he worked he would fuck, First a snake, then a duck, And a deer, and a bear, and a 'gator.
There was a fair maid from Decatur, Who was known as a red-hot potater. To the jungle she went, On mission work bent, Where a dozen fat savages ate her.
It was on the 7th of December, That Franklin D. took out his member. He said, like the bard, "It will be long and hard, Pearl Harbor has given me something to remember."
I updated this page 6 December I promise to try to remember To do it once more 'Ere Winter is o'er Or at least by the tenth of September.
The poet just couldn't decide. "It is such a dilemma!" he cried, "Must my poems all rhyme - Surely not all the time? Or else my professor has lied."
decibel - see db.
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Index'Well Madam,' the Bishop declared, While the Vicar just mumbled and stared, ' 'Twere better, perhaps, In the crypt or the apse, Because sex in the nave must be shared.'
A man who had lately declared That property ought to be shared, Thought it going too far When they called for his car, And a list of exceptions prepared.
The bedroom has lost its decorum. With group sex, it's more like a Forum. It once was avowed That three was a crowd, But today it's not even a quorum.
There once was a husband named Decker. Who ate many strange pussies like nectar. With his wife in tears She grabbed pinking-shears Then, made a fringe 'round the head of his pecker!
The sex kitten gasped when friend Decker Brought forth his long, red-headed pecker. After one frightened glance She pissed her pink pants, And cried, "Not for me, that cuntwrecker!"
decried - see Ryde
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IndexThere was a young woman [of | in] Dee Who stayed with each man she did see. When it came to [the rest | a test] She wished to be best, And practice makes perfect, you see.
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IndexThere once was a young lass named Dee, Who fucked all the fellows for free. She was surprised, It was not all those guys, But her father who gave her V.D.
There was an Old Man of the Dee, Who was sadly annoyed by a flea; When he said, "I will scratch it," They gave him a hatchet, Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
There was a young lady of Dee Who went down to the river to pee. A man in a punt Put his hand on her cunt, And God! how I wish it was me.
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IndexThere was a young lady of Dee, Who went down to the river to swim. A man in a punt, Stuck an oar in her eye, And now she wears glasses, you see.
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IndexA cute London feminist, Dee, Declared it was no longer free. First, she got a whole crown, Then her prices went down. So did she.
An ignorant virgin of Dee, Entertained a man's cock just to see If the damn thing would fit. It went off in her pit, And she cried, "Hey! That's no place to pee!"
Dee - see Leigh
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IndexThere was a young lady from Dee, Whose hymen was split into three. And when she was diddled, The middle string fiddled, "Nearer, My God, To Thee."
There once was a seamstress named Dee, Who tried to stitch when she'd ski. Her needle would go, As she flew 'cross the snow, Until she (of course) hit a tree.
A bashful young lady named Dee Sings loudly all during a pee. She sings, for that matter, To drown out the splatter, And not as a mere jeu d'esprit.
Many souls lie asleep in the deep. Life-like they lie there as though just asleep. And that way they'll stay Until Judgment Day Embalmed in the liquid many souls peed.
There was an Old Man of Dee-side, Whose Hat was exceedingly wide; But he said, "Do not fail, If it happens to hail, To come under my Hat at Dee-side!"
The name of the Ed., 'Arthur Deex' Is the most interesting one seen for weeks. It intrigues one no little. One wonders if it'll Be surpassed if one hunts and one seeks?
I never have had Miss Defauw, But it wouldn't have been quite so raw If she'd only said 'No' When I wanted her so; But she didn't - she laughed and said 'Naw!'
A delinquent, today, is defined As a waif to whom life was unkind. But, now, won't you agree That the problem might be That no one ever warmed his behind?
Rick promised to gently deflower A maiden who lived on South Gower. (Actually he spread Her legs on the bed, And finished her off in an hour.)
A certain young man was so deft, That he left his poor girl quite bereft. He'd put it in slickly, Then pull it out quickly, And before she had felt it, he'd left.
A writer has got to be deft. When he finds he has no money left, Can he do without meals? To hell with ideals. Learn to toss off a 'roman a cleft'.
A General once lived named de Gaulle, Five hundred years old, ten yards tall. He thought he was God, Which was really quite odd, For God's David Frost, if at all.
All persons of higher degree, Are proud of a long pedigree, And even the masses Of inferior classes, Unless they are misled, agree.
The Perfidious lemma of Dehn Drove many a scholar insane But Christos Pop- akiryakop- olous solved it without pain.
If a widow has moods of dejection And she suffers from loss of affection, Then her pain will subside When the Health Plans provide A bronze cast of her husband's erection.
Mused the deacon, in deepest dejection, As he passed 'round the box for collection: "If it comes to the worst, Can a curate be cursed, Or a rector be wrecked by erection."
There was a young[kind] priest named Delaney Who said to the girls, 'Nota bene, 'Twould tempt the archbishop The way that you swish up Your skirts when the weather is rainy.'
Delalande - see Lully
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IndexThe fastidious Count De la Rue Fucked his servingman up the rear flue. "Nevermore," the Count snapped, When the servingman crapped, "Will I bugger a beggar like you!"
A geneticist living in Delft, Scientifically played with himself. And when he was done, He labeled it: Son, And filed it away on a shelf.
There was an old person of Delhi Awoke with a pain in his belly, And to cure it, 'tis said, He shit in his bed, And the sheets were uncommonly smelly.
There was a young lady of Delhi, Who had a bad pain in her belly. Her relations all smiled. 'Cause they found her with child By his honor, the Chief Batsman Kelly.
An irate young damsel of Delhi, Exclaimed as come flowed on her belly, "Damn you spouting cock, Sikhi, That goo's not just sticky, It's horribly messy and smelly."
Oysters are sometimes delicious And not often, if ever, vicious; But digest the shell, And you'll feel quite unwell, So eat only the bit that is squishous.
When expecting erotic delight, Make sure that the wine is just right. You should always have red, With brunettes in your bed, But with blondes, just be certain it's white.
Although liquor was Ogden's delight, Every night he'd get high as a kite! "One night I abstain." He said with disdain, "New Years Eve is Amateur Night!
Daily Ditty 153 Monday, 17 November, 1997
A couple were seeking delight In a graveyard by eerie moonlight "Gruesome!" he said "Boy, it sure did!" she said, "I sure hope you can bury it right ... "
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IndexThere was a young athlete, Big Dell, Whose tool was too large for his belle. While the surgeon was clipping, The knife started slipping, Now he's called by his friends, Little Nell.
A beautiful belle of Del Norte Is reckoned disdainful and haughty Because during the day She says: 'Boys, keep away!' But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
There was a young wench in Del Norte, Who liked to screw men over forty. She said, "It's too quick, With a young fellow's prick; I like it to last and be warty.
Well screwed[-buggered] was a boy named Delpasse By all of the lads in the[his] class. He said, with a yawn, "[Now | When] the novelty's gone [And] It's only a pain in the ass."
There was a young [Scot | Jew | man] of Delray, Who buggered his father one day. He said, "I like rather To stuff it up Father; He's clean - and there's nothing to pay."
A loan shark enforcer, Delray, Had ways to make his clients pay. With words that we know As McDonald's motto: You deserve a break today.
A lady, by passion deluded, Found an African drunk and denuded, And - fit as a fiddle, And hot for a diddle - She tied splints to his penis and screwed it.
A confined Philistine named Delury, Had slain a young poet in fury. The corpse, a wine-bibber, Had dealt in 'verse libre', So Delury was thanked by the jury.
THE PHILOSOPHY DEPARTMENT:
The limerick's form is demanding; to write one that's really outstanding, you must stick to the beat, be sure rhymes don't repeat - and use four-letter words in the ending.
To WIN THE WEST has small demands On us to use our naughty glands For us to snide and leer, So let me volunteer, "The white man fucked the Indians."
A most musical Greek named Demeter, Composed motets, rondeaux, lais, and lieder. Whilst ingesting his food He'd run modes on the oud; He could tune harpsichords with his peter.
democracy - see retinue
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A young woman, polite and demure, Would reform the depraved and impure. She found it a breeze And did it with ease, For her work was a mere sinecure.
There once was a cat, so demure, Who'd sit on a lap and just purr. "Oh No!" said her owner, "You're a generous donor, But I'd rather sew cloth, and not fur."
A plumber who lived in East Dene Designed an unusual latrine. When seated you found It emitted no sound. When you rose it played God Save the Queen
'Given faith,' sighed the vicar of Deneham, 'From the lusts of the flesh we might wean 'em; But the human soul sighs For a nice pair of thighs, And a little of what lies between 'em.'
A flat-chested girl was denied Entrée to a nudist camp pride After being so bold To bare breasts, she was told That hers was a tit to be fied.
This whore was so famous named Denning That she was reserved for special vending. To prove she was rare When you'd see her ass bare, On both cheeks were stamped, "Patent Pending"!
A lecherous fag named Dennis, At pederasty was a true menace. He would hop from one boy To another, with joy, Like a ball in a fast game of tennis.
A castrato from Venice named Dennis Had a technique for winning at tennis. At the start of each match He'd sing arias (natch) To the lute. Then he'd serve with his penis.
There was a young fellow called Dennis Who thought he could play regal tennis. He shot his first ball Through a hole in the wall And everyone thought him a menace.
denying - see cells
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IndexDepasse - see Delpasse
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IndexDePeyster - see Chester
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IndexA virgin, whose tightness deplorable, Made regular sex seem too horrible, At last had to marry A dirty old fairy, Who thought her behind was adorable.
Poor Ophelia sighed: 'I deplore The fact that young Hamlet's a bore. He just talks to himself; I'll be left on the shelf, Or go mad by the end of Act IV.'
John said to his wife in Deposit, "Tillie, now tell me, howzit When we get into bed, You look over by head, And wink at the man in the closet?"
Daily Ditty 1, 11 June, 1997
An elderly man was depressed His sex life was over, he guessed Then two girls in their teens Made him cream in his jeans As he fondled each tender young breast.
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IndexThis posting has got me depressed So much so, I can't ev'n get dressed Oh, what an honor to be a sperm donor But all I can offer is breast Don't let this thing twist your crank. Do this and you'll have me to thank. Come to my place And sit on my face And get a mouthful to take to the bank You might get paid and arm and a leg if you would donate your eggs. The procedure might suck but for two thousand bucks some women will quickly spread legs. I am sure that this must be a hoax, all you honest, poor, innocent folks, cause when spam is a flailing, the network goes failing, stop spam and instead spout some jokes!
A mental disorder: Depression Quenches fun, excitement and passion. It makes one feel blue And downhearted too, Until you've had more than your ration. Now what can you do about this To return to a state more like bliss. You can do the reverse Of what makes you worse, And give all the downers a miss. If you're eating too little, eat more. If you're lazy, then run till you're sore. Turn off the TV; Get out and you'll see That you're rich when you thought you were poor.
To succeed in the brothels at Derna, One always begins as a learner. Indentured at six As a greaser of pricks, One may rise to be fitter and turner.
A happy young colleen from Derry, On ale was loving and merry. She dallied with sin, On vodka and gin, But was rigid and frigid on sherry.
descent - see Texan
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IndexA philosopher once, named Descartes, Was explaining himself to a tart. "Since I think - I exist," He remarked, as he pissed; "But what does it mean when I fart?"
Othello [so] loved Desdemona, But wrongly thought Cassio'd known her; When a hankie went missing, [There was an end to|Then ended] the kissing, He snuffed her, then regretted his boner.
Once a young British Army deserter Asked his girlfriend if intercourse hurt her. She replied, "Sometimes, Tommy, If it's big, like salami, But not when it's like your frankfurter."
An old electronic designer Had designs on a minor named Dinah. He couldn't carry them out, For his prick was too stout, And too small was the minor's vagina.
A young man by a girl was desired To give her the thrills she required, But he died of old age Ere his cock could assuage The volcanic desire it inspired.
There was a young girl for Des Moines Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, Till a guy from Hoboken Went and dropped in a token, And now she rides free on the ferry.
There was a young girl from Des Moines, A whiz at rotating her loins. What's even more strange, Her cunt could make change, With nickel and dimes and such coins.
There was a young girl from Des Moines Who had a large sack full of coins. The nickels and dimes She got from the times That she cradled the boys in her loins.
CHOCK AU VIN ?
Said the masochist cook from Des Moines: "I am not one for books, stamps or coins. I am getting my thrills From the barbecue grills, - But I hate when they're spicing my groins!"
There was a young girl from Des Moines, Who was fond of rotating her loins. She would take on a mate For a very low rate, Like a dime, or still smaller coins.
There once was this whore from Des Moines, Whose pussy was tight as a coin. It was tender and sweet Such a fine piece of meat! And she went by the name, "Top Sirloin!"
There was a young man of Des Moines, Who made rather too much of his groin. "Make a bid," he would shout As he flashed it about. "OK, Ladies--Going...Going...Goin!"
There was an Old Man whose despair Induced him to purchase a hare; Whereon one fine day, He rode wholly away, Which partly assuaged his despair.
The birdwatcher looks in despair As birds 'round him fuck everywhere. Though he strains through his glasses, For a view of their asses, He cannot see what goes in where.
Said the potentate, gross and despotic, "My tastes are more rich than exotic. I've always adored Making love in a Ford Because I am auto-erotic.
GAMBIT (v. 1.1)
A young damsel who bowed the dessus De viole didn't know what to dus When Marin, who played bass Started ripping the lace On her chest. He just wanted to scrus.
Daily Ditty 183 Wednesday, 17 December, 1997
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #5 Tom Smith found some way of detaining Anne White up in Customer Training Bumped the intercom switch While seducing her, which The rest of us found entertaining
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IndexA computer could help in detecting The secrets that Clinton's protecting. If there's no Watergate In Clinton's home state, They'll need rapid Whitewater inspecting.
To his [bride | wife] said the [lynx | keen]-eyed detective, 'Can it be that my eyesight's defective? Has your [west | east] tit the least bit The best of the [east | west] tit? Or is it a trick of perspective?'
My brother's a natural detective For by nature he's somewhat protective. And he's never been blind To the criminal mind, Except when he has an objective.
O'Grady dodged Serbian detention, For five days Scott evaded attention. But when decorated, Our President stated, "Dodging's something that we never mention."
There was a young girl from Detroit Who at fucking was very adroit: She'd contract her vagina To a pinpoint or finer, Or widen it out like a quoit. And she had a friend named Durand Whose cock could contract or expand. He could diddle a midge Or the arch of a bridge - Their performance together was grand!
The cunthole of Kate in Detroit Was the size and shape of a quoit. It proved hopeless, on viewing, For conventional screwing, And lapping lured just the adroit.
There once was a couple from Detroit Who at nookie were quite adroit They banged on the stair With their usual flair And on the lake near Irondequoit.
'I must leave here,' said Lady de Vere, 'For these damp airs don't suit me, I fear.' Said her friend: 'Goodness me! If they don't agree With your system, why eat pears, my dear?'
device - see Mobile
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IndexThe Roman Emperor Claudius was devious And would stammer and dribble most grevious. But these things, though uncouth, Were like Goodness and Truth, When compared to the Emperor previous.
The SETI League aims to devise A way to find life in the skies. One day they will find The truth for mankind And take home their own Nobel Prize.
The SETI League aims to devise
There was an old man of Devizes Whose [balls | bollocks | testes] were [of] [two] different sizes. The one was so small It was no use at all, But the other had won lots of prizes.
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IndexThere was a young man of Devizes Whose balls were of different sizes. His tool when at ease, [Hung down to | It went twice round] his knees, Oh, what must it be when it rises!
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IndexThere was an old man of Devizes Who was had up before the Assizes For teaching young boys Matrimonial joys, And giving [French letters as| them FLs for] prizes.
No wonder that man of Devizes Is the winner of so many prizes. His staff, when at ease, Goes twice 'round his knees, And it tickles his chin when it rises!
There was a young lady of Devon Who was raped [on a hayrick | in the garden] by seven [Roman Catholic | High Anglican] priests, [The lecherous | Lascivious] beasts - But of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
There was an old drunkard[drunken old drummer] of Devon, Who died[Expired] and ascended to Heaven; But he cried: 'This is Hades - There are no naughty ladies, And the pubs are all shut by eleven.'
There was an old woman of Devon, Who rose every morning at seven, For her house to provide, And to warm her inside, This provident woman of Devon,
"It is time," said a woman from Devon, "To exchange maiden bliss for sex heaven. There is music, it's spring, Flowers bloom, birdies sing; And besides, I've just turned thirty-seven."
There once was a faddist of Devon Who said, "I have raped only seven Young women to date, But I'll soon make it eight, And shortly thereafter eleven."
An old libertyine named DeVries, Making love in his red BVD's, Cried aloud, "Drat the luck, We are permanently stuck." And was hung as a Byzantine frieze.
DeVries - se McNeeze
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IndexThe eminent Mme.[Mrs] DeVue Was born in a cage at the zoo, And the curious rape Which made her an ape Is highly fantastic, if true.
A pubescent Girl scout of Dewar Was raped by two cops and a brewer, A postman, three sailors, And a shopful of tailors, And next week I'm going to...interview 'er.
A very sad maiden, Miss Dewey, After being deflowered by Louis, Felt chagrined and dejected, For what he ejected, Had made her new panties all gooey.
Said her highness, the Countess DeWitt, "The Duke's a fluke . . . a nit of a 'twit'. He has never known work And I can't stand a jerk That combs his hair from the left arm pit."
dewy - see ratatouille
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IndexThere was a young lady of Dexter Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, For whenever they'd start He'd unfailingly fart With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
A sensible girl, name of Dexter, Told the queer in her rear that he vexed her. Why pick her arsehole For his sexual goal, When her cunt was right next? - it perplexed her!
A pious young maiden named Dexter, Prayed so long that is damn near desexed 'er. Yet, though she prayed hard, Her mind, when off guard, Churned up visions that vexed and perplexed 'er.
For the sores on his prick he used Dial. That failed; he gave Lava a trial. But the one remedy For contagious V.D. Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
A singer they called Miss Diana, Was caught in a flood in Montana. She floated away, While her beau, so they say, Accompanied her on the piana.
Before getting married, Diane Offered this marital plan: "I'll never get fussy If you screw only my pussy, Or you'll witness some shit hit the fan!"
A young nun who made notes in her diary, That were terribly torrid and fiery, Once left it behind For her abbess to find. Now she isn't allowed in the priory.
dias - see it
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IndexThere was a young fellow [named | from] Dice Who remarked, 'They say bigamy's nice. Even two are a bore, I'd prefer three or four, For the plural of spouse, it is spice.'
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IndexA wife with a stutter from Dice, Was caught by the rise in the price. By the time that she panted Out just what she wanted, The cost of the stuff went up twice.
THE ACROBAT - or - SOCIAL POISE - SIC TRANSIT
There was a young fellow named Dick Who perfected a wonderful trick: He'd get an erection And scorn all protection, Then balance himself on his prick. 'Twas a fearful and wonderful sight; And the ladies all shrieked with delight; But the men were less zealous, For it made them all jealous, And they said [Dick had no copyright! | that it wasn't polite.] [Then each of them | But that night each one] tried it and failed, While their wives looked on helpless and wailed For each one would teeter And fall on his peter, Or manage to get all derailed. So Dick was the toast of the town; There was nothing too good for that clown, And the wives all came flocking To the acrobat's cocking, While the husbands deplored his renown. Then along came a fellow from France, Whose success you'd foretell at a glance. For his cock didn't dangle, But stayed at right angle, Which gave him an excellent stance. With a flourish, he took off his clothes, And assumed Dick's remarkable pose. But the chief of his talents, Was keeping his balance, While he juggled his balls with his toes. And then came the best part of all: That number would bring down the hall; For his tour-de-force trick Was to straddle his prick, And wheel out of sight on one ball! The ladies all ran [to tease | and told] Dick That the Frenchman had bettered his trick; So he straddled and struggled, And one ball he juggled, But he knocked out his prop with a kick. [Now | And] the tragedy didn't end there; For as Richard whirled down through the air, His prick became tied In a knot that defied All attempts to untangle its snare. Most men would have died of remorse, But Dick found another resource: For pretzels he'd pose With a twisted-up hose, And he made a nice income, of course.
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IndexThere was a young fellow named Dick, Who had a magnificent prick. It was shaped like a prism, And shot so much gism, He made every cocksucker sick.
A gallant young fellow named Dick Was blessed with a galloping prick. But the thing was quite blind And went in from behind - "This is," said the lad, "rather thick."
Daily Ditty 66 Friday, 22 August, 1997
When a girl asked the size of his dick The Texan responded, right quick, "Three inches, or four." "But my boyfriend has more!" "Yes, m'am. You mean cross-wise, or thick?"
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IndexI would," to his date murmured Dick, "Amuse you by flicking my Bic; But my fuse has been lit, So I'd deem it more fit To enthuse you by dipping my wick!"
A certain young fellow named Dick Liked to feel a girl's hand on his prick. He taught them to fool With his rigid old tool Till the cream shot out, white and thick.
There was a young fellow named Dick, Who was cursed with a spiralling prick, So he set out to hunt For a screw-twisted cunt That would match with his corkscrewy dick. He found one, and took it to bed, And then in chagrin, he dropped dead. For that spiralling snatch It never would match - The damn thing had a left-handed thread!
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IndexThere once was a slicker named Dick, Who, no matter how dirty the trick, Invoked the authority Of the silent majority, Till he found he could not make it stick.
As Monica fondled his dick She seductively moaned "Oh, Mick! Just give me the cash, And quick as a flash, I'll give it a long loving lick!"
I dated a guy with two dicks. One small, one quite long and thick. The small, hard as wood... The large tasted good - So it sure wasn't easy to pick!
There was a psychiatrist named Dicky. Had a very cute patient named Nikki, Who had never climaxed. He said, "Just relax, And I'll correct your problem with a "quickie!"
did - see dyke
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We thought we were going to die When the minister raised his arms high The benediction to say But it wasn't his day He'd forgotten to zip up his fly!
My day of birth I nearly died. Outside the womb a voice yelled "Wide." But being immature And therefore not too sure I thought the voice was yelling,"Hide."
There once was a man named Tom Diehl. Had balls that were made out of steel! Whenever he'd screw The girl's ass would turn blue, And she'd get the 'raw end of the deal'!
Americans talk differently From the folks in the mother country. Formal methods are wed In Great Britain to Z(ed), But Americans all call it Z(ee).
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IndexIl y avait un jeune homme de Dijon Qui n'avait que peu de religion, Il dit, 'Quant ˆ moi, Je [m'encule | déteste] tous les trois - Le Père, et le Fils, et le Pigeon.
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IndexThere is an old harlot of Dijon, Who in her old age got religion. "When I'm dead and gone," She said, "I'll take on, The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
A perverted scoutmaster named Dike Loved to bugger a boy on a hike. He felt pederasty Was not realy nasty, But the judge said, "Ten years up the pike!"
The Bobbit case sure is a dilly, Though it sounds a little bit silly. He said she's the hacker Who lopped off his whacker. She said she was only trying to 'Free Willy'.
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IndexThree Aldis and not one of them dim, Were Garib and Frescob and Grim. One played and one clowned And the other's renowned [By | For] a biscuit that's named after him.
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IndexFrom the bathing-machine came a din As of jollification within; It was heard far and wide And the incoming tide Had a definite flavour of gin.
A water boy named Gunga Din, Always wore not much more that his skin. Such a costume lacked class, But on meeting a lass, He was able, at once, to plunge in.
There once was a girl named Dinah, Who had a smelly vagina. It stunk and it reeked. When you fucked it, it squeaked. How do you like the vagina of mine-uh?
A flatulent floozy named Dinah Said, "No pecker shall prod my vagina!" But, seduced to a screw, Her arse, when she blew, Propelled Dinah across Carolina.
In her travels, a lady named Dinah Harbored several white mice in her vagina. When asked for her reason, She quipped, "They're in season, And men like to eat them in China."
Dear Robert asked Phoebe to dine, But he never did specify time. Since he wasn't too clear, She has nothing to fear, 'Cept her husband who probably minds!
It was after the couple had dined That the fellow, becoming unkind, Told the girl, "To be blunt, You've your brains in your cunt!" So she gave him a piece of her mind.
A young sex professor named Dingle Made all the girls' nerve-endings tingle. And his groovy red cock Caused a grave mental block In those who preferred to stay single.
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IndexThere was a professor called Dingle, Who made physicist's nerve-endings tingle. His travelling clocks Caused grave mental blocks, In those who felt time should stay single.
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IndexDaily Ditty 194 Sunday, 28 December, 1997
Jenny Lou from next door came for dinner And attempted to make me a sinner Rubbed her belly on mine In a way so divine That I came - though I never got in her. As a farm lad my life's a disaster Screwing sheep is a skill I can't master I still don't know how To make love to a cow And my sister can run a lot faster.
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IndexThere was a young girl named Dinwiddie, With a brace of voluptuous titty. But the boys squeezed them so, That they hung down below, And one drooped behind and got shitty.
When the Bishop of Solomons diocese, Was striken with elephantiasis, The public beheld His balls as they swelled, By paying exorbitant priocese.
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IndexAt the orgy last night Dionysus, In a rather remarkable nisus, Had ten maids, a goat, Four pink boys, and a shoat, In sixteen consectutive trices.
Now what in the world shall we dioux With the bloody and murderous Sioux Who some time ago Took an arrow and bow And raised such a hellabelioux.
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IndexMy cousin likes Ruffles with dip. It makes for an excellent chip. He lives with a leper, Doesn't bother to schlepp her, Thrusts his Ruffles into her hip.
Jack was once known as Big Dipper, Till his dipper got caught in his zipper. It's hard not to laugh, But he zipped it in half And now he's called Jack the Ripper.
A man with a fever so dire, Had testes which burned like a pyre. He was heard to exclaim, As they doused out the flame, Good Gracious Me! Great Balls of Fire!
I've become a bit disappointed With lim'ricks somewhat double jointed, 'Cause try as I might, The scanning 's not right. But fingers, from here, won't be pointed. Some newbies have entered with style, Producing sharp rhymes for a while, But then extra words Just pile up like turds, Creating a big smelly pile. I'm looking, unable to see A touch of word economy. I beg, I implore... Less really is more. I'll ask, once again, is it me? It's not you, I assure you my friend, Who have seen a few lim'ricks so penned. The words in excess Can bugger the stress, Which I hope just won't cause a new trend.
A Chopin song causing disaster Was surely a joke by the master. Il piu presto possibile He required, incredibile; Turn the page and he urges Still Faster.
To avoid matrimonial disasters, Young couples buy Johnson and Masters. But trying new angles, They get in such tangles, They end up in splints and in plasters.
We will force them all to disband. I know God will support our side and The Injuns are dumb; They'll have to succumb. A savage has no right to land.
Up in Cambridge, Lib 'Cliffies discard, Any pretence of being on guard. Though the Harvards deny it, Their saltpeter diet, Makes it hard to get hard in the Yard.
disciple - see it
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Indexdisclaimers - see Engineer
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IndexA cannibal chief did discover His wife and a friend 'neath the cover. He roared, "Seize the sot. Throw him into the pot. Tonight I will dine on chopped lover."
SINGAPORICKS
Mike Fay treated law with disdain. He said Singapore gave him a pain. So to US he went Where it was his intent To get a good job raising cane. If your brain's out of place, a condition That is caused by a lack of ambition, Six strokes of the cane And your wandering brain Is restored to its proper position. The Singapore vandal deficient Is sentenced by judges proficient. The site of his brain Is massaged with a cane - One lesson is always sufficient.
If a girl looks at sex with disdain, And from fucking does wish to abstain, The doctor does not Look for woes in her twat, He knows he must check out her brain.
disdain - see Benares
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IndexIn spite of a wasting disease O'Reilly went down on his knees Before altars of gods, Whores, boys, and small dogs - And all this for very small fees.
A hooker with snatchy disease, Still made lots of money with ease. The infection of yeast, Didn't stop her the least; She offered men wine with her cheese.
You can only catch mad cow disease Eating beef...but from pork pie and peas, You can catch mad pig flu, And from eating lamb stew, You can catch mad sheep sickness with ease.
My watch is in deepest disgrace: With his hands held up over his face, Now the milk has been spilt, He expresses his gilt. There is cause for alarm in this case.
A girl lived in fear of disgrace, So she fled from all lovers in haste. It all went quite well Until one day she fell - She sometimes still dreams that she's chaste.
A wide-angle lens can't disguise That Christine is lovely and wise. They gave her a shot, She showed what she's got, And gave the hemp market a rise!
Penitents of Friar Tuck were disjointed When he came from behind and anointed Them. Ere they could foil Him and his scented oil, They discovered they'd all been tuckpointed.
This September's a month to dislike What with players still forced out on strike. Yeah, and if you don't think That the clubs caused this stink At the time you can go take a hike.
The babe with a cry, brief and dismal, Fell into the waters baptismal; Ere they'd gathered its plight, It had sunk out of sight, For the depths of that font were abysmal.
Ronald Reagan screamed out in dismay, When he saw his old films: 'I must say It's a very hard fact - I must learn to act.' And that's what he does every day.
A cleric once heard with dismay Each week he worked only one day. He said, with a sigh: 'I cannot think why I'm so busy on days when I play.'
A rooster became quite dismayed, with an orange in a nest, well displayed. He called to his chicks, "Mom's up to her tricks! Look at the orange 'marma-laid'."
Daily Ditty 168 Tuesday, 2 December, 1997
"Where's his pee-pee?" she wondered, dismayed Dressing Barney to take to first grade I explained, "He looks neater Without any peter" She replied, "Well, then, how's he get laid?"
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Indexdismayed - see surgeon
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IndexThis man with a prostate disorder Had difficulty passing his water. 'Til his tube was reamed out And now out the spout It's coming out more like it oughter.
Inverting his latest dispersion, A mathematician pondered diversion. "I'd give all my fame If I just had a dame Who'd contort in all ten perversions.
On my high resolution display, My computer turns work into play. I catch politicians In awkward positions, And morph their excuses away.
The derrière Carrie displays Never fails to delight and amaze. She puts every ounce Into use with a bounce! And her boyfriend's estatic for days.
There was a young fellow from Diss, Who asked his friend's wife for a kiss. Said the young lady, "This is All wrong for a Mrs. When a Mrs. no longer a Miss.
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IndexDiss - see Dee
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IndexSaid an analyst famed for dissentions, With Puritan Anglo-Saxon pretensions, The sexual aim Is always the same And that's the release of our tensions.
A toper who spies in the distance, Striped tigers, will get some assistance From reading Descartes, Who holds that it's part Of his duty to doubt their existence. But if he's a student of Berkeley, One thing will emerge, rather starkly, That he ought to believe What his senses perceive, No matter how dimly or darkly.
An electrical dealer from Distance Said, "Ma'am, can I be of assistance?" But he got quite a shock When she took off her frock And said, "Will you test my resistance?"
There once was this boy so distraught, Because screwing he'd never been taught. Whereupon, his first piece, As it slipped in her crease, Yelled loudly, "What Hath God Wrought?"
distress - see indeed
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IndexSaid she, "You move me to much distress", As she proceded to undress. "I see you're above par. Promise we won't take it too far. No, No, No, No, - Oh Yes!"
distress - see indeed
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Indexdistress - see Muffet
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IndexDaily Ditty 71 Wednesday, 27 August, 1997
I'm quite deaf, which my friends find distressing; Modern rock, for one thing, leaves me guessing But be of good cheer, From what little I DO hear, I count missing the rest quite a blessing.
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IndexI dined with the Duchess of Ditches, Who said, "God! How my bottom-hole itches!" So she passed around switches And took down her britches, And soon her guests had her in stitches.
I, for one, John, have missed Daily Ditties. 've been bombarded with ads to show titties. Glad that wind didn't rent Your particular bent To write verse, quite a few of them witties.
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IndexA circus performer named Ditts Was subject to passionate fits, But his pleasure in life Was to suck off his wife As he swung by his knees from her tits.
The heroine of my little ditty Was had by a lad from the city. She exclaimed, "What a sin!" When he put his thing in, But when he pulled it out, "What a pity!"
When asked to compose a wry ditty, All rhymers from country and city Every Susan and Dick Came up with a trick To write limericks nitty and gritty.
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IndexDaily Ditty 14, 24 June, 1997
I tried to come up with a ditty That was clever and clean and still witty But my failure was utter Guess my mind's in the gutter Every one I came up with was shitty!
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IndexSaid a girl who upon her divan Was attacked by a virile young man: 'Such excess of passion Is quite out of fashion,' And she fractured his arm with her fan.
Tiny Betty lounged on her divan In the woods where a small freshet ran. She said, "I should get up, But I can't get that het up Because of the lard in my can."
A complacent old Don of Divinity Made boast of his daughter's virginity. They must have been dawdlin' Down at old Magdalen - It couldn't have happened at Trinity.
There was a young girl whose divinity, Preserved her in perfect virginity, Till a candle, her nemesis, Caused parthenogenesis - Now she thinks herself one of the Trinity.
Sighed a dear little shipboard divinity: 'In a deckchair I lost my virginity. I was looking to leeward, When along came a steward, And undid my belief in the Trinity.'
"Indeed," said an actress named Dix, "We played safe when we toured in the sticks. In case men attacked us, We wore panties of cactus - Is life just a succession of pricks?"
Said an Eminent Statesman named Dixon: "I'll screw them all, now that my prick's in! Let the voters complain That their rectum's in pain - Them assholes could sure use some fixin'."
A dusky young damsel of Djerber, So torrid that nothing could curb her, Lay down on the beach And said, "I beseech The service of Arab or Berber.
The Harvard don down at El Djim, Oh, wasn't it nasty of him, With the whole harem randy, The sheik himself handy, To muss up a young camel's quim?
A bride from Dnepropetrovsk, Whose honeymoon proved rather roughsk, Having failed with a "Nyet!" To fend off a new threat, Screamed, "Dimitri - enough is enoughsk!"
Hickory dickory do I wish I could go to the zoo. O to sit on their train While I look at a crane As it tries to woo a gnu.
do - see compress
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IndexIf there's one thing that I like to do, It's to ogle the girls in the loo. I peek through the transom, At buttocks quite handsome; [It always enhances | And I'm always intruiged by] the view.
Karen & Debbie's Culinary Delight
Here's a very neat thing you can do. Put something obscene in the stew. It'll be quite a sight. Just don't take a bite But hold on to your nose and say "pue".
Said Beijing: "What's Red China to do? Chou En-lai's dead and Mao is too... Still, the West threatens sanctions And now the World Bank shuns Us for beating our own Harry Wu!"
We need Patriots, oh yes we do! But the flesh and blood heros won't do. When unrest keeps growing Some smart missle-stowing Could blow up a tyrant or two!
I look bad, when I wake up, I do. A resemble a gnu with the flu. My breath, like a swine's, Armpits, unrefined. May I ask, did you just get up, too? No, I didn't, you raunchy old fart And your jibe cuts me right to the heart I look/smell this way For the whole of the day And I end up the way that I start Geez... two of you cruddy old guys. The stench brings the tears to my eyes. A splash of Old Spice Will help you smell nice, Now, please, wipe the slop from your ties. Now not all of us old guys are bad. We smell like we've never quite had A choice between soap; Or perfumes that can cope, With the difference between a man or a cad. Oh, why must I have so much hair? My armpits, my chest and... down there, My nose, legs and back, And way up in my crack Sans clothes I'm still "ready to wear" I woke up and everthing's hazy And even my mouth feeling lazy There's fur on my tongue In my head there's gong One more drink, I must have been crazy! My heart bleeds for all of you chaps. You say that you smell of ripe craps. But if I were you I'd not broadcast my pooh And I'd keep all my dirt under wraps.
Time on my hands, nothing to do. Every day I find something new. I eat when I should, But it doesn't taste good. Man, I hate having the flu.
Daily Ditty 151 Saturday, 15 November 1997
"Dear Abbey, just what should I do? My Edith tells me that we're through Last night on the make I stopped to eat cake ... How can I have cake, Edith too?" "Dear reader, whatever you do Forego cake while attempting to screw And let me repeat That if you must eat Let your eating give pleasure to two!"
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IndexThere was an old man who said, "Do Tell me how to add two and two. It may not be more Than just three or four - But I fear that is rather too few."
do - see NG
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Index"I really don't know what to do," Said the woman who cleans up the loo. "In Number 1 Closet Someone's left a deposit Of arrears that was long overdue."
do - see ABC
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IndexThere once was a whore on the dock. From dusk until dawn she sucked cock, Till one day it was said, She gave so much head, She exploded and whitewashed the block.
Daily Ditty 48 Monday, 4 August 1997
Well, Hickory, Dickory, Dock A mouse ran away with a clock But his "dong" was a gong Nearly twelve inches long When he used it she went into shock!
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IndexHickory Dickery Dock, The tongue ran up the cock. The man did smile; It had been a while, And his cock was as hard as a rock!
There was a young girl from the docks, Who could pick up small coins with her box. She practiced these tricks, Till she'd pick up gold bricks, Then she riffled the vaults at Fort Knox.
Dockery - see Pitlochry
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IndexA horny young footman named Dockery, Was screwing a maid on some crockery. Cried the girl, "This is crass! Having shards up one's ass Makes the service involved just a mockery!
ON WESTERN EPITAPHS:
In the earliest days of Dodge City If your draw was not fast 'twas a pity. On the stone at your head The inscription that said Something sad was so apt to be witty!
In story and film old Dodge City Was a center for sex and tough titty. But historians have shown That image overblown. It was moral and quiet (a pity).
There [once] was a family named Doe, An [ideal|illustrious] family to know. As father screwed mother, [She said,] 'You're heavier than brother.' [And he said|Replied he], 'Yes, Sis told me so!'
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IndexDigerie, digerie, doge. La souris ascend l'horloge. L'horloge frappe La souris s'échappe, Digerie, digerie, doge.
How to Get Elected
The candidate, Senator Dole, Was arrested for playing the role Of a Christian right-winger Who's a Liberal swinger With a wit that's acerbic, yet droll.
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IndexMy computer will morph Robert Dole, So his features resemble his soul. But wait! That's no fun. It's already been done. No wonder he can't win a poll.
There once was a man named Dole, Who lived in the township of Poll. When asked for a reference To his sexual preference, He said, "Man, a hole is a hole!"
There once was a senator [called] Dole Who hadn't much mirth in his soul But he's anxious to win ... ... so he'd best learn to grin Or he'll lose to Perot at the poll.
It's dollars to doughnuts, that Dolly, Will someday regret her low folly. This nympho craves men, But is known, now and then, To borrow the neighbor's big collie.
Dolmossal - see Throstle
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IndexA passion-swept dame called Dolores Is the hottest of history's whores. Though we fuck her with zest, When we crawl home to rest, Guess who's there waiting for us - Dolores, of cour-es!
There was a bleached blonde named Dolores, Who had an unusual clitoris. Its location remote Was deep in her throat, Where she douched with a touch of L*v*ris!
I got into bed with Dolores, And her diaphragm proved to be porous. The result of our sins, Was a fine pair of twins, Now the birth control people abhor us.
Daily Ditty 108 Friday, 3 October 1997
Ethnic food has its own small domain In the middle of town. I ate lo mien And tacos and noodles And blintzes and strudels ... Now I wonder which one gave me ptomaine ...
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Indexdome - see Benares
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IndexWhenever I watch Donahue And I look at his strange retinue, I see some weird folks Whom he always provokes And delinquents who fornicate, too.
Doncaster - see Alaska
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Indexdone - see one
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IndexA young man, quite free with his dong, Said the thing could be had for a song. Such response did he get That he rented the Met, And held auditions all the day long.
There was a young fellow whose dong, Was prodigiously massive and long. On each side of this whang, Two testes did hang, That attracted a curious throng.
My ex-girlfriend, Winona M. Donkers, Hated Padre Soler. Drove her bonkers. "Stop those harpsichord bits! This stuff gives me the zits!" I now live in Vermont. She, in Yonkers.
This wife was so ugly, named Donna Her husband kept telling her, "Mañana!" I'd love it a lot If you'd make me real hot, So he went out and bought her a sauna!
There was a teenager named Donna, Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." Two days out of three, She would shoot LSD, And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
A devout Jewish maiden named Donna, Is extremely afraid she's a goner. She was screwing one day, In each possible way, Quite forgetting it was Rosh Hoshana.
That fine English poet, John Donne, Was wont to admonish the Sunne: 'You busie old foole, Lie still and keep coole, For I am in bed having funne.'
Possessed by the devil[s] of doom, He made love to a ghost in a tomb: He did it, they say, In the regular way - Under the sheets, I presume.
Opportunity knocks at the door. It knocks just once and no more. But temptation, unclean, On the doorbell does lean, And the bell seems to ring evermore.
As Dame Eleanor came through the door, Her chambermaid leaped from the floor, Interrupting coition. "What a curious position!" Said the dame, "May I see it once more?"
Fucking hot Mrs. Diddle next door Is getting to be quite a chore. There's the milkman and me (Her hubby makes three) And she's putting out feelers for more!
door - see Limerick
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Indexdoor - see roar
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Indexdoor - see glass
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IndexAn inquisitive virgin named Dora, Asked the man who had started to bore 'er: "Do you mean birds and bees Go through antics like these, To supply us our fauna and flora?"
Our little neighbor next door, An inquisitive kid to the core, He always asks why? I give it a try, But I end up with questions galore!
There was a Young Lady of Dorking, Who bought a large bonnet for walking; But its colour and size So bedazzled her eyes, That she very soon went back to Dorking.
A stud who lived in the dorm, Tried in lab to prepare chloroform. But the sample he'd keep Put that creep in deep sleep And he couldn't wake up to perform.
A house dick there once was called Doroughty, Employed by a Vassar sorority. It was not for the pay But the chance for a lay, For propinquity gives high priority.
A symphonic musician named Dorn Was the target of audience scorn; For the hapless chap's pitch Had been queered by a bitch With the Frenching she'd given his horn.
Dorse - see Gorse
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IndexThe was an old woman of Dorset Who put in her penny deporset; But when she got there She could only pass air - That was hardly a pennyworth, worset?
There was a young lady of Dorset Who went to an Underground closet. She screwed up her ass But passed only gas, And that wasn't tuppence-worth, was it?
Daily Ditty 144 Saturday, 8 November 1997
If you're seeking your X-rated dose Rest assured that this ditty is gross With filth, sex and gore 'Till there's no room for more I won't write one again that comes close!
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IndexI know a cute pool shark named Dot, Who makes a spectacular shot. Whenever she's able, She'll run the whole table By shooting the ball from her twat.
Dot - see Schalot
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IndexThere was a young lady named Dot, Whose cunt was so terribly hot, That ten bishops of Rome, And the Pope's private gnome, Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
Said a civil rights worker named Dot, "There's one thing I protesteth not. When I lie in the street, I think it's real neat, To be carried off showing my twat.
There once was a lady named Dot. Who inserted a fly in her twat. When you tickled her fuzz, That fucker would buzz, Until you glued its wings with a shot.
There was an Old Person of Dover, Who rushed through a field of blue clover; But some very large bees Stung his nose and his knees, So he very soon went back to Dover.
There was a young lady of Dover Whose passion was such that it drove her To cry when you came, 'Oh, dear! What a shame! Well, now we shall have to start over.'
A limick
[There were] Two nudists of Dover, [Each painted them | When] purple all over, [We don't know how,] [But they're | Were] munched by a cow, When [they were] mistaken for clover.
A dog, Rover, the pet of Ms. Dover, Slipped his harness and then was run over By a fast-moving truck, A sad bit of luck, The result surely being un-Rover.
There was an old captain of Dover, Whom all the physicians gave over; At the sound of a drum, And 'The enemy's come!' Up jumped the bold captain of Dover.
There was a young virgin of Dover, Who was [raped | fucked] in the woods by a drover. When the going got hard, He greased her with lard, Which felt nice, so they started all over.
Said an angry young bride down in Dover: "Now your minuteman spasm is over! Well, I'm still in heat, So go down to the street, And bring me some big guy - or Rover.
There once was a lady of Dover, Who said to her husband, "Move over. I don't give a damn For the charms of a man. (Wheet Wheet) Come along, Rover.
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves Likes to jack off the young men she loves She will use her bare fist If the fellows insist But she really prefers to wear gloves.
An impotent prisoner named Dow Got a penile implant somehow. This brand new prosthesis It pumps and it squeezes; He's a mean hardened criminal now.
I feel sorry for young Dr. Dow. Our ladies won't go to him now. When examining the parts Of Mrs. Ray Hartz, He should have said "Hmmmm" and not "Wow!"
There was an old farmer named Dow, Who said, "I feel wonderful now. They've transplanted the tongue, And a piece of the lung, And the liver which came from my cow."
The grit folk an' the puir do't, The blyte folk an' the sour do't, The black, the white, Rude an' polite, Baith autocrat an' boor do't For they a' do't - they a' do't, The beggars an' the braw do't, Folk that ance were, An' folk that are - The folk that come will a' do't. The auld folk try't, the young ane's spy't An straightway kiss an' fa' to't, The blind, the lame, The wild, the tame, In warm climes an' in cauld do't. The licenced by the law do't, Forbidden folk an' a' do't, An' priest an' nun Enjoy the fun, An' never ance say na' to't. The goulocks an' the snails do't, The cushie-doos an' quails do't, The dogs, the cats, The mice, the rats, E'en elephants an' whales do't, The weebit cocks an' hens do't, The robins an' the wrens do't, The grizzly bears, The toads an' hares, The puddocks in the fens do't. The boars an' kangaroos do't, The titlins an' cucoos do't, While sparrows sma' An rabbits a' In countless swarms an' crews do't. The midges, fleas, an' bees do't, The mawkes an' mites in cheese do't, An' cauld earthworms Crawl up in swarms, An' underneath the trees do't. The kings an' queens an' a' do't, The sultan an' Pacha do't, An' Spanish dons Loup off their thrones Pu' doon their breeks, an fa' to't. For they a' do't - they a' do't, The grit as weel's the sma' do't, Frae crowned king To creeping thing, 'Tis just the same - they a' do't.
Dear Nancye, on children she dotes; Took in five of them, feeling her oats. When her boyfriend came over, She said, "Not now, Rover; The kids will all watch and take notes!"
There was a young woman named Dottie Who said as she sat on her potty, 'It isn't polite To do this in sight, But then, [who am I to be | those who complain are most] snotty?'
There once was a lady named Dottie Whose love life was sad but naughty. She sat 'round the table With men who were able, But the details remain a bit spotty.
I know that you'll think me quite dotty, But please, no caffeine in the latte! One simple expresso, [I take off my dress, Oh! | I put on a dress-o] And really start acting quite naughty.
There once was this young man named Doug, Who needed a big cunt to plug. When he finally found her, It smelled like a flounder, So he strapped a gas-mask on his mug!
A snatch-licking fellow named Phlugge, Tried licking while high on a drug. He complained it was dry. Said his girl, "I know why - You bastard, you're licking the rug!"
If you like your suits double-breasted, Along with your women big-chested, The women and suits Are both in cahoots, So you'd better make sure you're well rested.
There was an old sarge of Dorchester, Who invented [a mechanical|an auto-] whore tester. With an electrical eye, His tool, and a die, He observed each sore pimple and fester.
There's a coed at State named Doreen Who's renowned on the oral-sex scene. Since vibrato, it's said, Is the crown on her head, She's been voted the Humcoming Queen.
The dissolute doings of Doris Once shocked, but now only bore us. This concupiscent frail Is so hot in the tail, That her asshole has now become porous.
"Oh teacher, please tell me", said Doris, "What kind of a beast is the loris?" Said her teacher, from Braemar, "It's the Indian lemur, I fancy it's mentioned in Horace."
A beautiful harper named Doris, Wore clothes exceedingly porous. Though she played only chords, The men were not bored, With chorus after chorus from Doris.
A hirsute young maiden named Doris Had a practical lover named Morris, Who would sigh "Oh I swear I could kiss you right there, But I can't see the trees for the forrest."
A comely young cave girl named Doris, Was raped by a male brontosaurus. She exclaimed, "For a word, To explain what occurred, I'd have to consult my thesaurus."
There isn't a shadow of doubt We're all of us on the way out, From old age or ambition Of excessive coition - So drink up before you are nowt.
The first thing Bill said without doubt(h) About Monica and goings on 'down south' Unwittingly audacious In a manner loquacious "Ahh! Now the tart opens her mouth!"
Open a Window
My uncle smells funny, no doubt; I'm trying to figure it out. The aroma's not sweet; Could it come from his feet? It reminds me of old sauerkraut.
There are those who profess honest doubt At your claims to be virgin, Miss Trout. You refuse men your cunt, But if I may be blunt, Your asshole is almost worn out.
The Life-Force, afflicted with doubt, As to what it was bringing about, Cried: 'Alas, I am blind, But I'm making a Mind That may possibly figure it out.'
Daily Ditty 52, Friday, 8 August 1997
Miss Smith, an old maid, was quite dour Her face in a frown, always sour 'Till some randy old rooster Came along and he goosed her And she giggled for nearly an hour.
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IndexIn the heat of the midday at Douz, They go to their room for a snooze; But somehow, it seems, They never have dreams-- For a snooze is not quite what they choose.
"If newlyweds come," said Miss Dove, "I give them the room just above. When they do their lovemaking I can hear the bed shaking, Like it used to when I was in love."
There was a young lady named Dowd Whom a young fellow groped in the crowd. But the thing that most vexed her Was that when he stood next her He said "How's your cunt?" right out loud
There was an Old Person of Down, Whose face was adorned with a frown; When he opened the door, For one minute or more, He alarmed all the people of Down.
down - see four
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IndexAn architect, planning at Downing, Said to the surveyor, "The crowning Conceit of my brain Has gone down the drain; And all but the lawyers are frowning."
There was a young man from Down-Under, Young ladies in scores, he did plunder. He'd pretend to dally, Then invade their valley, As their legs he spread gently asunder.
That transvestite Peter Doyle, Adored ruffles and tuffles and voile. Just to see his pink tool, Through a veil of dink tulle, Rarely failed to provoke change of oil.
There was an old widower, Doyle, Who wrapped up his wife in tinfoil. He thought it would please her, To stay in the freezer, And anyway, outside she'd spoil.
A hotblooded swordsman named Doyle, Didn't fence quite according to Hoyle. When challenged to duel, He would whip out his tool, Which he brandished about like a foil.
There's a story of A. Conan Doyle's Where crooks blew up hollow gargoyles. They increased the P While at constant V, And Holmes solved the crime using Boyle's.
A nasty old vampire named Dracula, Had habits really spectacula; He drank by the keg, But 'twas pure Rh neg Red blood, to use the vernacula.
Said Marlowe: 'Bay City's a drag And no place to go for a jag. When I find a nice dame Who remembers my name, There's always a rod in her bag.'
Dragoon - see Rangoon
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IndexThe wife of an absent dragoon Begged a soldier to grant her a boon. As she let down her drawers, She said, "It's all yours - I could decant the whole damned platoon!"
A business-like harlot named Draper Once tried an unusual caper; What made it so nice Was you got it half-price, If you brought in her ad from the paper.
'I wouldn't be bothered with drawers,' Says one of our better-known whawers; 'There isn't much doubt I do better without In handling my every-day chawers.'
It's here the line must be drawn, Your missed punchline just fills me with scorn. For the trainee replies With surprise in his eyes, "I assure you, it tasted of prawn!"
Each night father fills me with dread, When he sits on the foot of my bed; I'd not mind that he speaks In gibbers and squeaks, But for seventeen years he's been dead.
"There is one thing I honestly dread," Said the marsupial quadruped. "The kids cause an ouch Inside of my pouch, When the dummies eat crackers in bed."
Sheba's queen was King Solomon's dream, Though their love life was not what 'twould seem. For in those olden days, They had no scented sprays, And she smelled like the Yale football team.
dream - see Dutch
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IndexA cannibal once in a dream Conceived of a dish quite supreme. And to his delight He was served it one night: Fresh Bwanas in heavy sour cream.
Limericks about dreams
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IndexYour Alien Limerick
Ran sinsorse tzal drejenhan Migaz kil deitar sko katzman Per nikhalgosoo Gu txozimurwoo Pau kiltxartor pe gur xa dan. Another: Pis resbo txinru jarleicay Tzaaf paus iaz lur horay Txanplea buzbri woo Tae besitsusoo Kondjau tritua ronte ionlay.
Daily Ditty 77 Tuesday, 2 September, 1997
All summer was casual dress; A godsend for me, I confess It all goes awry When I don a tie With clothes I forgot how to press I shudder that I must report In sleeves that are long 'stead of short And a coat I've been meaning To take for a cleaning, Shirts and slacks I intended to sort Even socks are a major affair, I can't seem to match up a pair My favorites are WHITE, And Lord! what a sight, What I have's in great need of repair Oh, why must I watch what I wear? If I could I would rather go bare - If I had my way We'd have casual day In clothes made of nothing but air!
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IndexDaily Ditty 129 Friday, 24 October, 1997
She said, as she buttoned her dress, "Playing doctor was fun, but I guess I prefer playing house With you as my spouse, And it's your turn to clean up this mess."
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IndexThere once was a student named Dresser, Whose knowledge got lesser and lesser. It at last grew so small, He knew nothing at all; And now he's a college professor.
To analyze dramatic cross dressing And the way it keeps audiences guessing, One can think of the molls As G.I. Joe dolls, A technique that some will be pressing.
There once was an artist who drew Large crowds to blank canvases. "Oooh!" Cried the critics, "The essence Of post incandescence Of conceptualized deja vu!"
A structured programmer named Drew Was intensely turned on by "goto". When he saw it in code He'd shoot off his load. It's a good thing his shop used so few.
"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew, "To unzip, then deliver a screw. If virgins, when nervous, Resist postal service, I explain that the male must get through."
A massage-parlor mogul named Drew Insists that it's probably true He established the specs For masseuse-furnished sex With the slogan "We're pulling for you!"
Drew - see Peru
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IndexMy neighbors, the dirty Miss Drews, Stand on their doorstep and muse, And tie up their tresses While the dogs make their messes, And I am wiping my shoes.
It had snowed, and the man in the drift Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" They sat in her Bentley... She fondled him gently... And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
The Hungarian charm of young Drill, Gives gals who love goosing a thrill. Before thumbing their bum, He warms up his thumb, So the goose is all thrill and no chill.
drink - see objected
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IndexA fellow named John went out drinking, When he finally got home he was thinking, He would give his sweet wife The big thrill of her life. The means to this end was soon shrinking.
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IndexA sailor who'd been ashore drinking, Dreamed he'd slipped overboard and was sinking. Indeed he was sunk, And he smelled like a skunk As he lay in the urinal stinking.
Drisquith - see Aberystwyth
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IndexA young Irish servant in Drogheda Had a mistress who often annogheda; Whereon she would swear In a language so rare, That thereafter no-one emplogheda.
A bookseller toiling in Drogheda, Had an assistant who often [annoyed 'er | annogheda]. Complaints came in volumes, And were stacked up in [columns | columes], Till she wished she had never [employed 'er | emplogheda].
A girl for a caddy is droll. After golf, you may give her a roll. But by night, as by day, She is likely to say, "You are playing, sir, the wrong hole."
I'll tell you a story quite droll, Of a young necrophiliac, Cole. Though too moral to kill, He still got his thrill, Having sex with a flat blow-up doll.
Said a diffident lady named Drood, The first time she saw a man nude: 'I'm glad I'm the sex That's concave, not convex - For I don't fancy things that protrude.'
My doctor said, "You better drop In at our human body shop And select a good used heart For our latest state of the art Transplant in case yours should stop."
When the men were all absent, Jane drooped. She liked it the best when they grouped. She worked them with vigor, Reducing their rigor, And when done, felt delightfully pooped.
There was a young maiden called Droppies, Whose vagina could read all-sized floppies. But inserting a disk Was an orgasmic risk, For her spasms made 800 copies.
There's San Quentin Quail out in droves, With fuzzy cunts hotter than stoves. If mounted with care, There's no cunt can compare With those hot, underage treasure troves!
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IndexA surly and pessimist Druid, A defeatest, if only he knew it, Said, 'The world's on the skids And I think having kids Is a waste of good seminal fluid.'
A bashful young priest once, a Druid, Would run from a nun when pursued. One kissed him with zest Which left him distressed, And he lost all his seminal fluid.
A lecherous Northumbrian druid, Whose mind was filthy and lewd, Awoke from a trance With his hand in his pants, On a lump of pre-seminal fluid.
There once was a smooth-talking Druid, Whose manner of living was lewd. He'd engage Druid lasses, In small talk--no passes, But the first thing they knew, they'd been screwed.
Drum - see Fort Drum
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IndexThere once was a young spaced-out drummer, Who, everyone said was no bummer. He needs but one stick, And that is his prick, And his pounding's what makes him a comer.
There was a strong man of Drumrig Who one day did seven times frig. He buggered three sailors, Four Jews and two tailors, And ended by fucking a pig.
There once was [[a Chinaman | an old Chinese] drunk | a [dissolute | Vatican] monk], Who [set sail away on his junk | fell asleep on [a trunk | his bunk]], While dreaming of Venus, He played with his penis, [Till he floated away in the | And woke up covered in] [spunk | gunk].
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IndexI'm often quite horny and drunk, And that beast, he sure was a hunk. Horny in the woods, He gave me the goods, That bear boffed me right in my trunk!
There's a social-psych coed at D.U. Who'd just as soon suck you as see you. Veblen gave her a taste For conspicuous waste: Are the other girls jealous? Miew!!
Du Bois - see Bryn Mawr
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IndexThe grandniece of Madam DuBarry Suspected her son was a fairy; 'It's peculiar,' said she, 'But he sits down to pee, And he stands when I bathe the canary.'
There was a distiller of Dublin, Whose whisky was always a troubling Some one or another, It made such a pother; Och! what a tiresome distiller of Dublin.
There's a man in the City of Dublin, Whose pego is always him troubling. And it's now come to this, That he can't go to piss, But the spunk with the piddle comes bubbling.
Dubois - see François
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IndexOnce out on the lake of Dubuque, A girl took a sail with a duque. He remarked, 'I am sure You are honest and pure' - And then leaned far over to puque.
A daring young maid from Dubuque, Risked a rather decided rebuke, By receiving a prude In the absolute nude, But he gasped, "If you only could cook!"
Daily Ditty 70 Tuesday, 26 August, 1997
I met a strange girl in Dubuque Whose antics induced me to puke She showed me that she Preferred veggies to me By inserting a bumpy green cuke. Now, I'm not one to easily spook, I said, "Baby, although you're a kook, You might find it a treat To try out some meat; What I have's beyond any rebuke." "My preference," she said, "is no fluke. Even were you a knight or a duke With the sweetest of meat You'd be hard pressed to beat A zucchini or Big Brother Luke."
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IndexSo slow was the horny old duchess, She could never keep out of men's clutches. She was fucked as she ran, By a one-legged man, Who managed to catch her on crutches.
At chit-chat last week with the duchess, She remarked, "My dear boy, in as much as His Grace is away, And it's raining today, What say we cut up a few touches?"
Huck is moonstruck with the duck 'Cause muck is what ducks like to suck. He unzips his pip For a sip from the tip, And with luck, a duck pecks on his puck!
A hot roast often ends as a dud, And it tastes like a goulash of crud. In chef's cap or capote, For a great table d'hôte, The gourmet serves pressed duck In Cold Blood.
Joe is an old farming "dude" Who's not in a real good mood. The rabbits got in, Where his veggies had been. And he can't stand hare in his food.
Miguelito was one nasty dude, Who would flick his cigars in his food. "I don't mind a stub, When I'm eating my grub, At least I know it's been chewed!"
There once was a Nantucket dude Whose woodie was mongously rude. "Word up," he said, "Bitch, Come and skull my bone itch Or I'll hoover my own amplitude."
due - see horse
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Indexdue - see us
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Indexdue - see NG
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IndexThere was a young lady named Duff With a lovely, luxuriant muff. In his haste to get in her One eager beginner Lost both of his balls in the rough.
There was a lewd fellow named Duff, Who loved to dive deep in the muff. With his head in a whirl, He said, "Spread it, Pearl! I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
A young lady, whose beauty was duff, Still enjoyed making eyes at the staff. When she asked: "Is it nice? Tell me. I'll make it twice" Answer was "No, enough, that's the stuff".
There was a gay Countess of Dufferin, One night while her husband was covering, Just to chafe him a bit, She said, "You old shit, I can buy a dildo for a sovereign."
There was an old maid of Duluth, Who wept when she thought of her youth, Remembering chances She missed at school dances, And once in a telephone booth.
There was an old man of Duluth Whose cock was shot off in his youth. He fucked with his nose And with fingers and toes, And he came through a hole in his tooth.
A dentist who lives in Duluth Has wedded a widow named Ruth. She's so sentimental Concerning things dental [She calls her dear second her twoth. | She now utters only the tooth.]
MODESTY
There was a young lass from Duluth Who played Chopin and Brahms on her crwth. Though often requested To solo bare-breasted She'd refuse, saying 'Why, that's uncouth.'
There once lived a youth in Duluth, Who aspired to life as a sleuth. But he soon changed his mind, For it shocked him to find, That the truth is so often uncouth.
A quick-trigger boy from Duluth, Was phoning his sweetheart named Ruth. When he got his connection, He had an erection, And blew off all over the booth.
There once was a maid in Duluth, A striver and seeker of truth. This pretty wench Was adept at French, And said all else was uncouth.
dumb - see Louise
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IndexThere was a young man of Dumbarton Who thought he could run like a Spartan. On the thirtyninth lap His braces went snap And his face went a red Scottish tartan
There was an Old Man of Dumblane [sic], Who greatly resembled a crane; But they said, 'Is it wrong, Since your legs are so long, To request you won't stay in Dumblane?'
There was an Old Man of Dumbree, Who taught little Owls to drink Tea; For he said, "To eat mice, Is not proper or nice," That amiable Man of Dumbree.
There was a young man of Dumfries Who said to his girl, 'If you please, It would give me great bliss If, while playing with this, You would pay[could give] some attention to these!'
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IndexThere was a young lady from Dumfries, Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! My navel's all bare, So stick it in there, Before my legs and my bum freeze."
There was an Old Man of West Dumpet, Who possessed a large Nose like a Trumpet; When he blew it aloud, It astonished the crowd, And was heard through the whole of West Dumpet.
Daily Ditty 58 Thursday, 14 August, 1997
Brother John is real "down in the dumps" Last month he came down with the mumps Usually John stands his ground But this time around It's the meds who'll be taking his lumps.
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IndexThere was a young man from Dunbar Who playfully pickled his ma. When he finished his work He remarked with a smirk, 'This will make quite a family jar.'
There was an Old Person of Dundalk, Who tried to teach fishes to walk; When they tumbled down dead, He grew weary, and said, 'I had better go back to Dundalk!'
There was a young man from Dundalk Whose penis was made out of chalk. He would futter his spouse Out in front of their house, And mark up his score on the walk.
A cute Curate who lived in Dundalk, Proclaimed he could fly like a hawk. Cheered by thousands of people, He leapt from the steeple, But the splash-down proved just talk.
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IndexThere was a young girl of Dundee Who said, "I've a pain when I pee." "Aha!", said the mate, "That accounts for the state Of the Skipper, the bosun and me."
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IndexThere was an old man of Dundee Whose pecker was shaped like a key! Said he, "If girl's peeholes Were all shaped like keyholes, What a helluva world this would be."
Dundee - see Leigh
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IndexThere was a young monk of Dundee Who complained that it hurt him to pee. He said, "Pax vobiscum! Now why won't the piss come? I'm afraid I've the C-L-A-P."
The response to a whore from Dundee To enquiries concerning her fee Was, "Frontways one pound, But the other way round Costs a fiver, besides VAT."
There was an old man of Dundee Whose bowels were not very free. They gave him a mixture Which kept him a fixture For weeks on the W.C.
There was an Old Man of Dundee, Who frequented the top of a tree; When disturbed by the crows, He abruptly arose, And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee!'
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IndexThere was an old man of Dundee Who [molested|buggered] an ape in a tree: The result was most horrid, All arse and no forehead, [Three | Blue] balls and a purple goatee.
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IndexThere was a young lass from Dundee, Whose knowledge of French was 'Oui, oui.' When asked 'Parlez vous?' She replied, 'Same to you' - A fine bit of fast repartee.
There was an old man of Dundee Who [came home as drunk as could be | one night went out on a spree]. He wound up the clock With the end of his cock, And buggered [himself | his wife] with the key.
A dutchman who dwelt in Dundee, Walked in to a grocer's named Lee. He said, 'If you blease, Haff you any prick cheese?' Said the grocer, 'I'll skin back and see.'
There was a young girl from Dundee, From her fanny there grew a plum tree. No one ate the nice fruit, To tell you the truth, Because they knew it came from her rooty-toot-toot.
There was a young monk from Dundee, Who hung a nun's cunt on a tree. He grabbed her fair ass, And performed a high mass That even the Pope came to see.
A young man once went to Dundee, And said to the voters, said he, "No house is complete, Unless I have a seat; My initials are W.C."
There once was a girl from Dundee, Who never programmed in C. She felt that destruction Lacked the seduction Of referential transparency.
Said the wife of a man from Dundee, Who returned from a voyage at sea: "Is that a sky-rocket You have in your pocket, Or are you just glad to see me?"
In his garden remarked Lord Dunedin, "A fig for your diggin' and weedin'. I like watching birds While they're dropping their turds, And spying on guinea pigs breedin'."
A rosy-cheeked lass from Dunellen Whom the Hoboken sailers call Helen In her efforts to please Has spread social disease From New York to the Straits of Magellan. The rosy-cheeked fellow from Cork, Whom the Hoboken sailors called Dork, In his role as donee Spread HIV From Algiers to the Port of New York.
A lunatic youth from Dungannon Was convinced that his prick was a cannon; But when it was loaded, The damned thing exploded - His balls were picked up near the Shannon
There was a young priest of Dun Laoghaire, Who stood on his head in the [Kyrie | Kaoghaire]; When people asked why, He said in reply: 'It's the latest liturgical [theory | thaoghaire].'
Said a Sassenach back from Dun Leery, "I pay homage to nationalist theory, But wherever I drive, I found signposts that strive, To make touring in Ireland so dreary."
There was an Old Man of Dunluce, Who went out to sea on a Goose; When he'd gone out a mile, He observ'd with a smile, "It is time to return to Dunluce."
Since Annie had married Jim Dunn, Her sex-life was anything but fun. She never climaxed 'Cause she couldn't relax, With Jim yelling, "Annie Get Your Gun!"
There was a young fellow named Dunn, Who dated a nun just for fun. But in bed, she was dead, So he tried screwing bread, And found half a loaf better than nun.
A stodgy game warden named Dunn Nabbed a pair at the height of their fun. He caught them bare-ass Out in the tall grass, In the wrong season for shooting a gun.
An Amazon giantess named Dunne, Let a midget screw her for fun. But the poor little runt Was engulfed in her cunt, And reborn as the twin of his son.
threes - see thump
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IndexThere was a young man of Dunoon Whose farts could be heard on the moon. They rushed down his rectum When he didn't expect 'em And roared like a bloody monsoon.
There once was a man from Dunoon, Who always ate soup with a fork. He said "When I eat Either fish, foul or flesh, I otherwise finish too quick."
There was an Old Man of Dunrose; A Parrot seized hold of his Nose. When he grew melancholy, They said, "His name's Polly," Which soothed that Old Man of Dunrose.
Bush was an innocent old dupe, Who was nowhere near any damn loop, Except when he gave us Our last Veep -- God save us! To be our next commander (F-Troop).
There was an old man called Dupree Who couldn't count higher than three; He said 'Damn and God wot! It is plain I am not, Because si je pense, donc je suis.'
A bibulous chap from Duquesne Drank a whole jeraboam of champuesne. Said he with a laugh, As he quaffed the last quaff, 'I tried to get drunk, but in vuesne.'
An ignorant maid of Durango, Wasn't told where to make a man's whang go. But she added this knowledge The first night of college, With a sigh you could play as a tango.
There was a young lady from Durber Who swore that no cock could perturb her, Till a Turk from Khartoum Knocked the shit from her womb With his fifteen-inch cunny-disturber.
CHILL TO THE CHANT
When old Hildy felt under duress From the girls at the convent, she'd dress In a silk gown quite sheer, Sing like hell, and drink beer - Just the thing for nuns with P.M.S.
There was a good Bishop of Durham, Who fished with a hook and a worrum; Said the Dean to the Bishop; 'I've brought a big fish up, But I fear we may have to inter'm.'
A long-peckered sailor from Durham Made all the girls holler and squirm. He withdraws, letting fly, Saying "Mud in your eye!" Which is where he deposits his sperm.
A tourist from Nyack named Durkee Found a small, cut-rate harem in Turkey. Their exotic technique Kept him spinning for a week; Even now, a year later, he's jerky.
Said a girl who was forced to go dutch, On a love nest, "I don't mind too much. Though I pay half the lease, I collect half - apiece - From Smitty, Gil, Stu, Tim and Hutch."
Somehow you don't think of the Dutch As given to lewdness and such. But they pour on the sex With terrific effects When a Dutch 'maisie' gets you in her clutch.
Daily Ditty 196 Tuesday, 30 December, 1997
Sally Mae nearly got me in Dutch From her habit of smoking too much 'Till I lessened my stroke To cut down on the smoke While still keeping her warm to the touch One evening she fulfilled her dream Of laying the whole hockey team Which really was nice 'Till they fell through the ice Which was weakened, I guess, by the steam
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IndexThere was an Old Person of Dutton, Whose head was as small as a button; So, to make it look big, He purchased a wig, And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
There was a young fellow named Dutton, Whose balls were the size of a button, But he had a dong, Some ten inches long, But what could he do with it? Nuttin'.
To his wife said a grumbler named Dutton, 'I'm a gourmet, I am, not a glutton. For ham, jam or lamb I don't give a damn. Come on, let's return to our mutton.'
An ardent young fellow named Dutton, Was simply a sexual glutton. He would always make hay, Nine or ten times a day. And aside from all that, he did nuttin'.
A Miss Wilkerson thought it her duty. To maintain her conjugal beauty. She mixed up a paste Like industrial waste, And applied it to her sweet patootie.
A grumpy old bullfrog named Dwight, Who slept in a box every night, Was kissed by a princess, Became Señor Wences, And croaked, with his mouth shut, "S'Alright!"
Dyce - see Dice
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IndexDyches - see Ditches
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Indexdyke - see NG
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Index
Integral z-squared dz
from 1 to the cube root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'.
3_
\/3
/
| 2 3 pi 3_
| z dz X cos(--------) = ln (\/e )
| 9
/
1