The world is turning to C. Though at best, it is taught awkwardly. But we don't have to mope, There's a glimmer of hope In the methods of formality.
There's the lady in suite 7-C Who allowed two young men to make free, Till she heard someone say, "That's all for today." And discovered she'd been on TV.
Don't ride with a wild London cabby. They're dangerous, reckless and crabby. And the price on the meter Will shrivel your peter. They'll inter you in Westminster Abbey.
A la santé de Jacques, le garçon de cabine, Le petit éventreur impur. Son can il remplit De la verre rompie, Et il circoncisé le patron.
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IndexCoitus upon a cadaver Is the ultimate way you can have her. Her inanimate state Means a man needn't wait, And eliminates all the palaver.
Said a green cabin-dweller called Cade "Shit surely will bio-degrade Since I've no indoor plumbing When a crap is a-coming I'll head for the woods with a spade."
Cadet - see Tibet
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IndexThere was a young navel cadet, Whose dreams were unusually wet. When he dreamt of his wedding, He soaked up the bedding, And the wedding ain't taken place yet.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz, Who was always polite to the ladies; But in handing his daughter, He fell into the water, Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
There was a young man of Cadiz, Who inferred that life is what it is; For he had early learnt, If it were what it weren't, It could not be what which it is.
There was an old bulldog named Caesar, Who went for a cat just to tease her; But she spat and she spit, Till the old bulldog quit. Now when poor Caesar sees her, he flees her.
I come to deep-six brother Caesar Not praise the ambitious old geezer His good's good as gone Yet his evil lives on Friends, ain't that a heck of a teaser?
A fellow who lived in Cadiz Was arrested with what wasn't his. Said his lawyer, the twit, You'll be out on a writ, As soon as I find out what one is.
A modern composer called Cage For silence became all the rage. No performer, he found, Ever made the wrong sound, Or misread the notes on the page.
Self-help books were loved by Tom Cage; His income was minimum wage. When he ran out of fuel, He wasn't a fool, [He] made a fire and burned every page!
There was a young [lady | fellow] named Cager Who, as a result of a wager, Consented to fart The whole oboe part Of Mozart's Quartet in F major. So the fiddlers started to play With Cager a-farting away When to his despair He ran out of air At the upbeat to four after "A" To Cager this was quite a bummer. His asshole was really a hummer. Imagine his glee When he found out that he Had been farting the wrong Koechel number.
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IndexThere was a young girl of Cah'lina, Had a very capricious vagina. To the shock of the fucker, 'Twould suddenly pucker, And whistle the chorus of Dinah.
Slim, the wrangler, went into cahoots, With a girl to indulge in pursuits Unchaste and clandestine Which began by divestin' Themselves of their red union suits.
There was a young fellow named Cain, Who was wicked, perverse, and profane. With the leg of a table, He slugged brother Abel, And shouted, "Remember the Maine!"
A porter of Gonville and Caius Said, "No lady visitors, please! For I fear they would hear What's not fit for their ear - These medics swear worse than bargees."
A Cooked Account
A cook of the College of Caius Paid the butcher extortionate faius; And so much deceit They suffered in miet They'd better have dined upon chaius.
There was an old man of Cajon Who never could get a good bone. With the aid of a gland I grew simply grand; Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
There was a young fellow from Cal., In bed with a passionate gal. He leapt from the bed, To the toilet he sped; Said the gal, 'What about me, old pal?'
C'era un vecchio calafato Calmo calmo in cima a un palo accoccolato; Ma quando il freddo pungeva Scendeva in gran fretta e chiedeva Un panino caldo imburrato.
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IndexThere was a young cashier of Calais, Whose accounts, when reviewed, wouldn't tally. Soon his chief smalled a rat, For he'd furnished a flat And was seen every night at the ballet.
This girl was so fat from Calais That when trying to use a bidet, She was in a demise 'Cause when spreading her thighs She was still twelve inches away!
Calais - see Norway
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IndexCalais - see Bombay
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IndexA fisherman out from Calais, A mermaid ensnared in the bay. He searched back and front, But found nary a cunt, So he sucked on her titties all day.
There was a shorthorn from Calatt Whose pecker was flabby and flat. He dosed it with yeast - It's a footrule, at least, And what could be stiffer than that?
There was an old man of Calcutta, Who coated his tonsils with butter; Thus converting his snore From a thunderous roar To a soft oleagenous mutter.
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IndexA strange young chap from Calcutta played with himself in the gutter. A lady passing by Got sp*nk in her eye And thought it was Reece's best butter.
An aesthetic young miss of Calcutta Set all the men's hearts in a flutter. He bubs were immense, Her arse was intense, And her cunt was too utterly utter!
There was a cute quirp from Calcutta, Who was fond of churning love butta. One night she heard mutta, Her quim was a-flutta For the thing she called "Utterly-Utta!"
There was an old Bey of Calcutta, Who greased [up] his asshole with butter; Instead of the roar That came there before Was a soft oleagenous mutter.
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IndexThere was a young man of Calcutta Who had a most terrible stutta, He said: 'Pass the h ... ham, And the j ... j ... j ... jam, And the b ... b ... b ... b ... b ... b ... butta.'
An unfortunate lad from Calcutta Vibrated all through from his stutter; To eat, walk or speak He would shake for a week But he was rather good as a rutter.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta, Who perpetually ate bread and butter, Till a great bit of muffin, On which he was stuffing, Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
There was a young man from Calcutta Who was heard in his beard to mutter, 'If her Bartholin glands Don't respond to my hands, I'm afraid I shall have to use butter.'
When it rains in Calcutta, People just become wetter, But if it snows, Everyone knows, They'd pack up and move to Quetta.
There was an old man of Calcutta Who spied through a chink in the shutter. But all he could see Was his wife's bare knee, And the back of the bloke who was up her.
There was a young man of Calcutta, Whose balls were turning to butter. In a day of great heat, The folks had a treat, As his testicles flowed down the gutter.
There was a young man of Calcutta, Who tried to write "CUNT" on a shutter. He had got to "C-U-" When a pious Hindu, Knocked him [arse over tip | flat on his ass] in the gutter.
Calcutta Curio - A Double Limerick?
There was a young man of Calcutta Who thought he would do a smart trick, So anointed his arsehole with butter, And in it inserted his prick. It was not for greed after gold It was not for thirst after pelf; 'Twas simply because he'd been told To bloody well bugger himself.
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IndexThere was a golfer of Calcutta, Whose thoughts were too pungent to utter When his wife, as he found Ere commencing a round, Was whisking the eggs with his putter.
There was a young man from Calcutta who was not very nice to his mother. He tore all her clothes, put a ring through her nose, and forced her to beg in the gutter.
There once was a timid bull calf, Thought heifers too virtuous by half. So he trekked to the Niger To diddle a tiger, And bugger a kneeling giraffe.
A cowboy from out in Calgary Had a girl friend who dressed in a sari, She was terribly fat, But he didn't mind that Tho he disliked her being so hairy.
There was a young man of Calcutta, Who jerked himself off in the gutter. But the tropical sun, Played hell with his gun, And turned all the cream into butter.
A young nun from Long Beach, California, Said, "I think it's important to warnia, That though seeming a saint, I've an awful complaint, I'm just getting steadily hornia."
Calhoun - see Bloom
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IndexThere was a young man named Calhoun, Who kept, as a pet, a baboon. His mother said, "Chumly, I don't think is comely To feed your baboon with a spoon.
On s'étonne ici que Caliste Ait pris l'habit de Moliniste Puisque cette jeune beauté Ote ˆ chacun sa liberté N'est ce pas une Janseniste?
If you find for your verse there's no call, And you can't afford paper at all, For the poet true born, However forlorn, There's always the lavatory wall.
TRUE TO THE FLAG
Lee ans'er'd the South's strident call, He marched o'er the Maryland wall. He came with his horse And his best foot of course, Into Fred'rick, the next town to fall. Now a lady of Fred'rick called Barb, Cared not that the men came to rob With Old Glory a'hand She o'erlooked the band The flag they saluted with sobs. Barb Frietchie's grey head lived on too In a legend that grew and it grew Which goes only to show If you wanted to know That men to their flag will be true.
In the harem, a lonely girl calls, But the guard, all-unheeding, just sprawls. When he's asked if he cheats On the sultan, he bleats, "Oh, I would - but I ain't got the balls!"
A nympho by the name of Calpurnia, Grew hot and hotter and burnier. So she fucked and she fucked, And she fucked and she fucked, 'Til she fucked herself into a hernia.
On The Old Rectory, Grantchester by Rupert Brooke
O, I yearn to go back to the Cam! For nostalgic is just what I am! To the backs turn my back And then notice the lack Of honey - 'Is there only jam?' Is it two-fifty still on the ticker? Won't time ever go any quicker? And after a jar Will I see pas de chat From a Terpsichorean vicar? Do chestnuts still bloom by the river, With lilacs and pinks all a-quiver? Will I be bolder Now that I'm older And beer-drinking has ruined my liver?
When Letterman's acting on cam Some people don't give a damn. While he tells his jokes Most of the folks Would rather have Big Ass Whole Ham.
Cambrai - see Norway
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Index'O what can ail thee ...?'
'What's the matter, old chap?' 'Well, I came Just by chance on this good-looking dame. All was fine, till she got Me inside her old grot - Since which, I have not been the same.'
came - see alphabetical
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IndexThere once was a Bactrian camel, Who was bound by no fetter or trammel. When he tried to make hay, In his Bactrian way, His wife said, "Make me; I'm a mammal."
If you wish to descend from a camel, That oddly superior mammal, You just have to jump From the hump on his rump: He won't just stop dead like a tram'll.
There was a young lass hight Camilla, Who had a magical pillow. She'd lure men to her bed, And when it touched their head, Their wands would droop like a willow.
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IndexThere was a prim maiden named Campbell, Who got tangled one day in a bramble. She cried, "Ouch, it sticks, But so many great pricks, Are not met every day on a ramble."
There once was a monk of Camyre Who was [smitten | seized] with [a] carnal desire. [The immediate | And the primary] cause Was the abbess' drawers Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
A fellow who fucked but as few can Had a fancy to try with a toucan. He owned like a man The collapse of his plan: 'I can't - but I bet none of you can!'
A fellow who fucked as but few can Had a fancy to try with a toucan. He owned like a man The collapse of his plan: "I can't - but I bet none of you can!"
Canaries - see Venus
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IndexA shy little thing from Canberra, Decided that sex was an error. It scared her to bits, It drove her to fits, But she did it - in fear and in terror.
A zoophile born under Cancer, Joined up as a cavalry lancer, But he died of despair, When his favorite mare, Was replaced by a motorized panzer.
In his pants a young man from Cancun Had a bulge that made all the girls swoon. On closer inspection His massive erection Turned out to be just a balloon.
With bribes of small cookies and candies, Joe lured and laid goats in the Andes. Said he with a leer: "I'm repeating next year. Those Andes sure spawn some jim dandies!"
There was a young lady named Candy, Who made do, when no boys were handy, With a girlfriend or two - Sometimes Betty Lou, But more often Belinda and Mandy.
Young men who woo girls with candy Don't know that there's something more handy; When the lights are down low, And there's nowhere to go, Beguile them with glasses of brandy.
A horror of pink cotton candy, Slipped down the throat of young Mandy. She waved and she sputtered; Her parents they fluttered, But her brother he thought it was dandy.
A horror of pink cotton candy, When down at the beach, gets all sandy, And cause cavities And fits of depravity, And makes one sticky and randy.
"A horror of pink cotton candy" Was the way that I'd once described Mandy, But she proved me untrue When her fingers just flew. She's not only randy but handy.
A strange man once offered me candy, And I said, "Oh sure, that'd be dandy!" I knew that his goal, Was really my hole, But that was OK, I was randy!
There was an Old Person of Cannes Who purchased three Fowls and a Fan; Those she placed on a Stool, And to make them feel cool She constantly fanned them at Cannes.
There was a fan-dancer of Cannes, Who developed an excellent plan, For a lecherous dance Without any pants, And some very big holes in her fan.
cannibals - see Czechs
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IndexA shrewd little cocksman named Canning Haunts singles bars, carefully scanning All the girls in a hunt For a pushover cunt, Which he says is "cuntingency planning."
A canner, exceedingly canny, One morning remarked to his granny: 'A canner can can Anything that he can, But a canner can't can a can, can he?'
canonic - see society
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IndexPROLIX
In Firenze, Matteo Canova Liked ballate (this was the Ars Nova) That went on much too long. Each time he'd start a song He'd go on til the party was ovah.
There was a vainglorious Canon, Disdained a mere eucharist fanon; As mystical host He used buttered toast, And flaunted a gaudy gonfanon.
He was great in the Christmas Cantata, He could double-stop fart The Toccata, He'd boom with his ass Bach's B-Minor Mass, And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
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IndexWhile humming Andante Cantabile, A sculptor constructed a mobile. When it failed to revolve, He made this resolve, "I really must build them more wobile."
There was a young bride, a Canuck, Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. You say that I, maybe, Can have my first baby - Let's give up this Frenching, and fuck!"
In the autumn a horny Canuck Sent a note to his love via truck. In words very brief Writ on red maple leaf He suggested a dinner-time conversation. Dear Robyn, I'll bet you a buck Mr. Hinchliffe is hardly a schmuck Your mind should have heard A much better word Most clearly the writer meant "beverage." Dear John, I know what my mind heard, And it's a most beautiful rhyme word. If everyone does it, Don't that make it legit? To not type it seems simply absurd. The operative word is "absurd" It adds spice to these ditties, I've heard Christopher's verse Would be a lot worse If he'd just gone and typed out "that word" I fell for this one once before Ha ha! it is even: the score Replace "conversation" Use your imagination You'll find yourself on the floor. The atumnally horny canuck He did arrive in his truck To his lady he said Things best left in bed The author certainly has some pluck! A horny Canuck one fall day, So eager with his love to lay Said in words very brief Writ on red maple leaf "So how 'bout a roll in the hay?"
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There was a young man of Canute Who was troubled by warts on his root. He put acid on these, And now, when he pees, He can finger his root like a flute.
There was an old man of the Cape Who made himself garments of crepe. When asked, 'Do they tear?' He replied, 'Here and there; But they're perfectly splendid for shape.'
There was young man at the Cape, On a maiden committed a rape. Said she, "You damned shit, You can't fuck a bit, And you're knocking my quim out of shape."
There was an Old Man of the Cape, Who possessed a large Barbary ape, Till the ape one dark night Set the house all alight, Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
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IndexThere was an old man of the Cape Who buggered a Barbary ape. The ape said, 'You fool! You've got a square tool; You've buggered my arse out of shape.'
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IndexCape - see Dundee
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IndexThere was a young girl from the Cape, Filled her hole with bicycle tape To ease up the pangs Caused by the whangs Of gentlemen bent upon rape.
A lusty old man from the Cape, Kept his mattress in excellent shape With pubic hairs plucked From the women he'd fucked, In the course of a lifetime of rape.
There was a young girl of Cape Cod Whe dreamt she'd been buggered by God. But it wasn't Jehovah That turned the girl over, 'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, The bugger, the bastard, the sod!
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IndexA fisherman off of Cape Cod, Cried, 'I'll bugger that tuna, by God!' But that high-minded fish Resented his wish, And nimbly swam off with his rod.
It was said of a girl on Cape Cod That her verb choice was certainly odd: In describing a date, She said, "Tony stayed late. We ate oysters and clams and then scrod."
There was a young Miss from Cape Cod Who at soldiers would not even nod. But she tripped in a ditch, And some son of a bitch Of a corporal raped her, by God!
A sexy young girl from Cape Cod, Had to carry her breasts in a hod. Her shape was perfection And caused many an erection, But when she bent over, My God!
Cape Cod - see Cape Nod
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IndexSaid a lady who lived on Cape Fear: "I prefer being screwed in the rear. Sailors like it that way, And there's never a day When the coast isn't perfectly clear."
There was a young girl from Cape Finisterre, Who walked out each night with the Minister. She said, "I aspire To a place in the choir." But some thought her motives more sinister.
There was a young man from Cape Hatteras, Who kept poking holes through the matteras. He said, with a wail, "It's me wife's narrow tail, I'll have to get one with a fatter ass."
There was an old maid from Cape Hatteras, Who found one night pinned to her matteras, A short basic list, Of things she had missed, With a lengthly P.S. of et ceteras.
There was a young maid of Cape Hatteras Who said,"I don't know what the matteras - Men all lose their nerve When they see how I curve, I wish that I had a much flatteras!"
There was a young man from Cape Hatteras, When he saw a girl, first he would pat her ass, Then strip her chemise From her tits to her knees, And at last let his weapon get at her ass.
Cape Horn - see Horn
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IndexCape May - see Norway
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IndexCape May - see Bombay
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IndexThere was an old man of Cape May Who reeled in a mermaid one day. He said, "She's a queen! But you should have seen The one I threw back in the bay!"
There once was a man of Cape Nod Who attempted to bugger a cod, When up came some scallops And nibbled his bollops, And now he's a eunuch, by God.
caper - see posh
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Indexcaper - see chagrin
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IndexA menagerie came to [Cape Race | our place] Where they loved the gorilla's grimace. It surprised [them | me] to learn That he owned the concern: He was human, [in spite of his | but odd in the] face!
There was a young man of Cape Race, Whose mind was an utter disgrace; He thought Marie Corelli Lived long before Shelly, And that Wells was the name of a place.
There was a young man of Cape Town Who acquired European renown By sucking his come From his bugger-boy's bum, Swallowing it, and keeping it down!
There was a young girl of Cape Town, Who usually fucked with a clown. He taught her the trick Of sucking his prick, And when it went up, she went down.
There once was a horse from Cape Verdes Who produced most unusual turds, By the simplest means He'd eat corn and beans And make succotash for the birds.
There was a strange man from Cape Wrath, Who bathed in some bright-colored cloth. When asked for the reason, He said, "It's the season, It's not quite as hot as it wath."
capitalist - see biography
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IndexAt the movies, a joker named Capp, Had a big popcorn box in his lap. His date was not wise, To impending surprise, His dick was right under the flap.
A tourist who stopped at Capri Was had by an old maid for tea. When she wiggled he said, As he patted her head, 'Ah, you're changing the "t" to a "p"!
There was a fat wench of Capri, Who tumbled one day in the sea. She returned from the splash, With a shark in her gash, And her face was transfigured with glee.
Deep 'neath the Isle of Capri The Blue Grotto is reached from the sea. With awe it will fill you Overwhelm you and thrill you, You'll soil yourself, I guarantee.
Capri - see Dundee
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IndexA young engineer from Capri Thought thermodynamics pure glee. From Maxwell to Joule Their works, as a rule, Moved him perpetually.
A novice was driving a car, When down Porlock his son said, "Papa If you drive at this rate, We are bound to be late, I drive faster!" - He did and they are!
A hot-tempered girl of Caracas Was wed to a samba-mad jackass; When he started to cheat her With a dark senorita She kicked him right in the maracas.
There was a young man from Caracas Who was ever so fond of his tacos But with once sip of brew He discovered it's true That it's nicer to worship god Bacchus.
There was a young maid of Cardiff, Whose father one day asked if To church she would walk, To hear some good talk, When the young maid replied, "Ax my spiff."
Said a fading old lecher named Cardigan, "I'm afraid that I'll never get hard again. What's more, the girls know I've this trouble, and so, At the local bordello, I'm barred again."
It seems Marcia has played the right cards. The defense of OJ is in shards. If he takes the stand He'll crumble like sand; He'll hoist himself on his petards.
Van Gogh, feeling devil-may-care, Labelled one of his efforts 'The Chair'. No-one knows if the bloke Perpetrated a joke, Or the furniture needed repair.
Said a porno queen, "Yes, I take care To give everyone reason to stare. But the play of my parts Is all for the arts, Or I just couldn't bear what I bare."
The female Doc said, "Do take care, I think you've a hernia there." A lady was she - So she meant, you see: "It's nice to see you really care."
care - see Louise
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Indexcare - see Keys
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IndexLet's hear it for archbishop Carey! He won't let a rev. be a fairy. Those dog-collared queers Will be out on their ears Before you can say a Hail Mary.
There was a young man of Carluke Who said "If you'll just take a look At the tip of my penis, You'll gather that Venus Has put her name down in my book."
A nasty old drunk in Carmel, Thinks it funny to piss in the well. He says, "Some don't favour That unusual flavour, But I don't drink the stuff, What the hell!"
There's a luscious young charmer named Carmen Who fucks for bums, boxers, and barmen. Says she, "The effete Have more brains, but less meat. I prefer hairy fellows who are men!"
"I guess," mused a callgirl named Carol One night as she doffed her apparel, "That kinks are no fewer, My next trick's a brewer - When he has me it's over a barrel!"
There was a young chippy named Carol Had a twat like a crack in a barrel. You could huff and could puff, And could busily stuff, But your pecker was never in peril. (Or Carol.)
Twin sisters named Coral and Carol Were laid out in finest apparel. Their life had been moral; For Carol a chorale Was sung, and for Coral, a carol.
In Hawaii I love to carouse
{The proverbial cat's-away mouse}
Since Don Ho is my friend
I usually spend
A night or two at the Ho house.
Two lovers went out to carouse, Without waiting for marital vows. There bill was so sweet, They had sex in the street, Which caused a slight raising of brows.
On guard by the bridge of Carquinez, With his eyes on the evening star, Venus, With the sky full of blimps, And the town full of pimps, And an incredible length to his penis.
There once was a kiddie named Carr Caught a man on top of his mar. As he saw him stich 'er, He said with a snicker, 'You do it much faster than par.'
There once was a midget named Carr Who couldn't reach up to the bar, So in every saloon He'd climb a spittoon, And guzzle his liquor from thar.
There was a magician named Carr, Who used to be billed as a star. His future looked sweet Till he walked down the street, And - Presto! - turned into a bar.
A wistful young lady named Carr, Divulged her perversions bizarre. "Though this may sound preposterous, I have fucked a rhinocerous, But the unicorn's better by far."
There once was a man named Carrey Who definitely was not a Fairy Masturbation, YES! But nothing less Than a woman could turn on his Berry.
There once was this nypho named Carrie; Who screwed every Tom, Dick, and Harry. But she later confessed That Harry was best. Tom and Dick had turned out to be Fairies!
A hidebound young virgin named Carrie, Would say, when the fellow got hairy: "Keep your prick in your pants Till the end of this dance", Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
So hairy a cunt had Miss Carrier That no man could get past the barrier. That is, no man but Brungle, Who had lived in the jungle, And crashed his way through with a terrier.
The frustration of Johnny Carruther Must stem from this fact and none other: There just wasn't room To return to the womb, Occupied, at the time by his brother.
There one was a boy named Carruther, Who climbed into bed with his mother. "I know it's a sin," He said, shoving it in, "But it's better than blowing my brother."
There was a young man named Carruthers Who buggered two crippled twin brothers. And he felt some surprise, As you may surmise, When they both announced: "We are mothers!"
A Phi Delt known as Carruthers Will never make little girls mothers. Around the old brown, He is covered with down To wipe off the dongs of his brothers.
An antichrist known as Carruthers, Waxed bitter when speaking of mothers. "When that six sixty-six Puts the world in a fix, They shall go straight to hell with the others!"
In the gravel pit, young Miss Carruthers Gets the rocks off for all of her brothers. Since she's got eight or ten, And all big husky men, There's no pussy left for us others.
There was a young man named Carruthers Who sucked off the cocks of his brothers. He cuntsucked just dozens Of sister and cousins, And knocked up both his grandmothers!
Daily Ditty 36 Wednesday, 23 July 1997
Up on Mars is a marvelous cart Like your PC it's state-of-the-art With some software that sucks Costing millions of bucks To see, "Fail, Abort or Re-Start?"
Links:
IndexThere once was a lady named Carter, Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. She stripped off his pants, At his prick quickly glanced, And cried: 'For that I'll be a martyr!'
So glib with his asshole was Carter, No man with his mouth appeared smarter. But what issued ethereal From that venthole sphinctereal Transcended the Farter From Sparta.
Last night, I called on Jimmie Carter. He admitted he saw Hillary's garter. He ogled her chest, And then he confessed. That Jimmie is quite an upstarter.
Said a gaseous old laddie named Carter, Well known as a helluva farter: "It's that bad sauerkraut That I've eaten, no doubt, So here goes a blast for a starter!"
The meenister up at Carsphairn Has got a young woman with bairn. It's a God-awful vice But it's awfully nice, And I'm sure the Almighty's not cairn.
Carstair - see Kildare
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IndexThere was a young [angel | fellow] called Cary, Who [kissed, stroked and fucked | got fucking the] Virgin Mary. And Christ was so bored At seeing [Mom | Ma] whored That he set Himself up as a fairy.
A wicked stone cutter named Cary, Drilled holes in divine statuary. With eyes full of malice, He pulled out his phallus And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
It's a pity that Casabianca Was using his tool as an anchor; If he'd had it up higher, He'd have put out the fire, You never did see such a wanker.
Casablanca - see anchor
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IndexC'era un vecchio di Casale Che non faceva niente di male; Se ne stava sdraiato sulla schiena Con la testa in un sacco di tela, Quell'innocuo vecchio di Casale.
Links:
IndexOf course you've heard of Casanova: His wife, too, had passions that drove her. She tried ten thousand men, And then started again-- Don Juan! Casanova! Move over!
All young men should take note of the case Where the guy necked his gal at its base. No, the gal did not choke, But her vertebra broke, And that was their final embrace.
There was a young fellow named Case, Who entered a cunt-lapping race. He licked his way clean, Through number thirteen But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
There was an Old Man at a casement, Who held up his hands in amazement; When they said, "Sir, you'll fall!" He replied, "Not at all!" That incipient Old Man at a casement.
"Since my sex is bisex," cried Casey, "I've chosen a city that's racy! With its either-or zest, I get letters addressed To WASHINGTON, D.C. AND A.C.!
An eclectic young cleric named Casey, Favors underthings pink, silk, and lacy. Though his vows are quite strict, They don't seem to conflict With his sex life, both DC and AC.
A Painter, [un]encumbered with cash, Said: "It's time to be making a splash. I can paint, if I care, Things to startle and scare, Though I'm fully aware they are trash."
There was a young man of Cashmere, Who purchased a fine Bayadere. He fucked all her toes, Her mouth, eyes, and her nose, And eventually poxed her left ear.
There was an Old Man of Cashmere, Whose movements were scroobious and queer; Being slender and tall, He looked over a wall, And perceived two fat ducks of Cashmere.
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IndexThere was a young fellow named Cass Whose ball[ock]s were [made out | constructed] of [brass. | [spun | cut] glass.] When they [tinkled | clattered | jangled] together They played Stormy Weather And lightning shot out of his ass.
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IndexSaid a divinity student named Cass, "I should never be fit to say Mass, If I kiss the Pope's toe And then failed to bestow, A like sign of respect to his ass."
There was an Old Person of Cassel, Whose nose finished off in a tassel; But they called out, 'Oh well! Don't it look like a bell!' Which perplexed that Old Person of Cassel.
There was an old mickey called Cassidy, Who was famed for impromptu mendacity. When asked did he lie, He replied: To reply Would be to impugn my veracity.
REFLECTIVE
An obstreperous couple named Cassian Got it off to the St. Matthew Passion. Nude 'cept for boots, They'd dig Kurt Equiluz, 'Til the mirror above them came crashin'.
There was a young girl in a cast, Who had an unsavory past. For the neighborhood pastor Tried fucking through plaster, And his very first fuck was his last.
'Tis the custom in Castelamorrie, To fuck in the back of a lorry. The chassis and springs Are like woodwinds and strings In the midst of a musical soiree.
Castets - see Avignon
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Index"My home," Adams said, "is my castle And I'll just not put up with this hassle - Go get stuffed, you dumb twit, Since you don't have a writ, And tell George I'm no longer his vassal."
Said Rapunzel, high up in her castle, "This is getting to be quite a hassle. I've given up hope Of a prince with a rope, So I'm growing my hair past my astle.
"My home," Adams said, "is my castle And I'll just not put up with this hassle - Go get stuffed, you dumb twit, Since you don't have a writ, And tell George I'm no longer his vassal."
The career of a Fellow called Castor, One day met with sudden disaster. When he came into Hall Wearing nothing at all, And made a rude sign at the Master.
Guido, a modern castrato, 'Adapt to the times' is his motto To the ladies, he'll say "Let's roll in the hay, And I'll use my electric vibrato."
In Cupar there lived a wee cat Which foolishly on the road sat 'Till along came a car That was going afar Brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, brum splat.
Once there was a hallowe'en cat, Who lived in an old witch's hat, She ate eye of kid, Lapped up tongue of squid, And the teensy small toes of bat.
Said a dreadfully literate cat: 'I've had my Litt.D. and all that, And in New York, my dear, When I see "Litter here", Why I litter at once, and then scat!'
A neglectful and sneaky, mean cat, Wandered off like a nasty big rat, To a mammal like her, It should surely occur, That her kittens would need to get fat.
Daily Ditty 210 Tuesday, 13 January 1998
Kitty's boyfriend, Bill, knocked up the cat Of her daughter, a six-year-old brat Who sold tickets to see What the offspring would be Kitty's kiddy's kiddy-kitty kitty quickly grew fat
There was a young girl of Catalina Who had a peculiar demeanor: Either she'd fuck Or else she would suck, And I'm not quite sure which was the cleaner.
There was a young maid from Cathay, Who, when asked if she knew how to lay, Said, "You're damned right I can, With my quiff or my can, Or my mouth. It's a three-way parlay."
Then there was a man of Cathay. Who said to a lady one day, "I've got nothing in mind, Except your behind, And that in a very big way!"
A young coquette, courting in Cat's Proceeding beyond friendly pats, Said, "You'll find that my breasts Are beneath tatted vests. Pray take out my tits from my tatts."
There was a young man named Cattell Who knew psychophysics so well, That each time he shit He'd stop, measure it - Its length, and its breadth, and its smell.
There was a stout lady from Cattuck, Posteriorly pecked by a wild duck, Who pursued her for miles And continued his wiles, Till he completely demolished her buttock.
BOURDON
Down by Nantes, Monsieur Henri Cauchon Loved to play on his new Colachon. But the frets were a mess - Twenty-four, more or less; So poor Henri did nothing but drone.
She ventures outside without caution.
She ventures outside without caution. She doesn't need bagels to nosh on. She thrives in thin air, Digging samples up there... "Sojourner" is my favorite Martian.
An efficient young fellow named [Cave|Dave] Said, 'Think of the time that I save By avoiding vacations And sexy relations And taking a crap while I shave.'
There was a young man of Cawnpore Whose tool was so awfully sore From slapping and rubbing And pulling and drubbing, It was useless for what it was for.
Cawnpore - see Jaipur
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IndexThere were two young men of Cawnpore, Who buggered and fucked the same whore. [But] the partition split, And the [gism | sperm] and [the] shit, Rolled out in great lumps on the floor.
A young jacker-off of Cawnpore Never felt a desire for more. In bold self-reliance He cried out his defiance To the joys of the fairy and whore.
In the rottenest dive in Cawnpore I asked a boy, "When do you whore?" He replied, "Sir, at seven, And suck cocks till eleven; Then we bugger from midnight till four!"
cay - see quay
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IndexThere was a co-ed of Cayenne Who ate onions, blue cheese and sen-sen, Till a bad fright one day Took her breath quite away, And we hope she won't find it again.
A shiftless old coot of Cayuse Had bowels abominably loose. His quick defecation Was a sickening sensation - He was nine times as loose as a goose.
My new girlfriend came on CD-ROM, She's pretty and her name is Dawn. I know I can't touch her Or kiss her or fuck her, I'm submissive and she is the Dom.
A lady who worked in Cebu Slowly drew this from my flue: A long silken cord With pearls. "Oh my Lord!" I exclaimed as my oyster sauce blew.
"Near my girl," said a lecher named Cecil, "Is the place where I usually nestle. Nothing else is a patch On the way that we match. She's the mortar and I am the pestle."
A ten-sou grisette named Cecile, Thus cautioned another jeune fille, "Now Dali is jolly, But watch him, by golly! Or he'll stuff up your ass with an eel."
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IndexWith a bimbo he thought he would celebrate, But afterward, Kohn was still celibate; 'Cause his dick, in the moisture, Was quite like an oyster, So he decided to just self-fellatiate!
There's a luscious young damsel, Celeste, Who everyone claims is the best. But such secondhand views Only serve to confuse. I prefer a more personal test.
It's said that Medusa was celibate And stayed that way just for the hell of it. But the feminine organ Of this famous Gorgon Had snake-bites where each scaly fella bit.
PLATORICKS II:
We're mere prisoners; our bodies are cells - Fell from Heaven, yet why no one tells. Only one thing is sure: If our lives have been pure, We'll go home after hearing death's knells. But for most - maybe eight out of nine - Merely sensual living seems fine. What they maybe don't know Is that, after they go, They're just apt to come back as mere swine. Only love for Platonic Ideals: By its nature, that's all a soul feels. But once it's been jailed, It's of course soon assailed But a gang of less lofty appeals. Thus a soul, somehow fallen and blighted, Might let more than one impetus guide it. To seek Wisdom's just one - But now Fame, and sheer Fun, Join the list of the things that excite it. Still, for those who'd regain their high station, There's just one way - that's ratiocination: If we let more attract us Than rational practice, We'll be bumped from return aviation. On the other hand - no point denying, It takes time to get ready for flying; Though to say it's to rue it, There are few who can do it Without several times living and dying. In any case, journey's inception Is the data received through perception. But that's only a start, of course, Since our aim is to chart a course To the Forms of which they're a reflection. From the very first things we cognize, We'll perceive how the soul starts to rise. But we'll soon start to sink If, instead of to think, We're content when we're feasting our eyes.
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IndexThe wife of a red-headed Celt, Lost the key to her chastity belt. She tried picking the lock With an Ulsterman's cock, And the next thing he knew, he was gelt.
There once was this beautiful Celt, Who was relieved of her chastisty belt. Having worn it a month Her big hairy cunt Appeared just as bad as it smelt!
There once was a passionate Celte Who'd an urge to know how [a cock | it] felt. One went in, hard and straight, But her heat was so great That she found she had caused it to melt.
Mr Wells of the big cerebellum Uses mountains of paper or vellum; When his temper gets bad And we ask 'Why go mad?' He replies: 'They won't do as I tell 'em.'
A rotten and bloody old cerement Has cells upon which I'll experiment. From tissue that's grown, Lord Jesus I'll clone, And he'll recount the New New Testament.
When Angelico worked in cerise, For the angel, he painted his niece. In a heavenly trance, He pulled off her pants, And erected a fine altar-piece.
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IndexEvery Picture Tells a Story
In the rain in a yard in Cessnock, Sits a housewife in hat, gloves and frock; Umbrella held high To keep her beer dry, In the yard of the pub at Cessnock.
There was a young slattern of Cette Who was devilishly fond of a bet. She wagered she'd suck Twenty cocks for a buck, And she's cleaning the kitchen up yet!
There was a young fellow [of Ceuta | and suitor] Who rode into church on his scooter; He knocked down the Dean, And said: 'Sorry, old bean! I ought to have sounded my hooter.'
A Limick
[There was] A young flirt of Ceylon, Who [loved to] lead the boys on. [Instead of follow the leader,] [She played] Playing 'Follow the Leda', [And finally] Succumbed to a swan.
That famous old painter, Cezanne, Fucked a hole in an old frying pan. "I just love rough edges! I fuck all the hedges, And cats on the Island of Man."
Eli Whitney once said with chagrin, To his wife, "Dear, your drinking's a sin, And you're in, now, so deep, That I'll thank you to keep Your cotton-pickin' hands off my gin."
A Lament
I keep hearing to my disgust and chagrin, That Englishmen are taking our women, And that certain states Will be empty of mates, For our redblooded, american men. Waiting to go to Great Britain, Are Cheryl, Joy, Sharon, lovesmitten, We better make strides, Keeping them statesides, Or the country will of women be ridden. Some other women like me will be left, To shoulder the big burden with heft, To take care and sate, The men without mate, It's a pity we only each have one cleft. Just in case I am tiring and failing, Could I call you, Arden and Kaylin? To help with the chore Till we are all quite sore, Then the men'll have to do their own flailing. Replies: I know that this task you'll complete Cause the gals that are left can't be beat If y'all fuck like you write 'Twill be a hell of a sight And there's sure going to be some sore meat. We Brits get more women (hooray!) But you get more men every day So why the complaint Seems to me that it ain't Too bad an arrangement I say! I read, with regret, lamentation Of Yank gals luring men of the Brit nation Let me volunteer first To share my best and my wurst With those pondering anglicization To Petunia I add all in jest I think your suggestion's the best. I'll defend all our borders From amorous for'ners, If you'll contribute to your nation's war chest. So I hope we can avert this impasse And keep the English off each US lass. Let him stay in Manchester And in London, molest 'er, While we get our own piece of --- Have no fear Petunia my friend I'm here to the last bitter end Although I am taken My libedo's awakened To this major task I'll attend. You know you can count on me To help keep the guys so happy- I'll do all I can To get with the plan- Sounds like a great party to me! Such selflessness I never did see What a sacrifice this will be It's a great plan To save lonely men From their burning salacity If I were able to assist This I would never have missed But I can't get away In Holland I must stay Although it is hard to resist. It's plain to see that Tjarda Is keeping on her guarda Lamenting our loss of the women we'd toss Such a woman makes me harda. Thanks, Mike, for the great confidence You expressed in your letter, thence We became aware Of the terrible scare, Of women not being in prepond'rance. Thanks to you also, Tjarda, you dear We know you would help if you were near Now we three alone To fatigue being prone Have to service our men far and near. But if more help we need with this caper, We can ask our bard, friend, also neighbor, Who would that be, You are asking me Well, it's Frank with his trusty sandpaper. If all of these men you must screw, What is it that you'd have me do? Won't one of you three Agree to do me? Perhaps I could even have two. Frank, you're the first on my list One who I'd not think to miss I'll pull down your flap And sit on your lap While giving you heavenly bliss You're my kinda guy, after all, So big, so strong and so tall You'll have your way Every which way Oh, baby! We'll have such a ball! I'm feeling so very left out Perhaps I'll just sit here and pout Because dear Arden I want to play in your "garden" And in in your valley I'll shout. Well, Lars, then just get in line Take a number, then you'll be mine It's only a test To see who's the best At making me feel so devine. You know you can count on me To help keep the guys so happy- I'll do all I can To get with the plan- Sounds like a great party to me!
Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, Qui fit un petit mannequin: Sans bras it tout noir, Il etait affreux voir; En effet, absolument la fin.
The Bare Bones Old Testament
Then down from Ur of Chaldees, Came old Ab'ram just big as you please. With some goats, a few swine, At least one Concubine, Who could put a strong man on his knees! Well, Sarah, his wife had grown old. Chance of having an offspring were cold. She said, "Go, screw the maid And don't be afraid. I'll be happy if it takes ahold!" Then Ishmal was born of that lay. And it made old Abe happy and gay. Now he had an heir. Sarah said, "I don't care, Just don't let them get in the way!" Now, Ishmal, old Abe did anoint. This pushed Sarah's nose out of joint. She said, "This won't work, The kid is half Turk! And you seem to be missing the point." Old Sarah, she pouted and cried, 'Til an Angel showed up by her side. He said, "Have I got some news! You will mother the Jews." And old Sarah was fit to be tied. She said, "Look, I am fourscore and ten. As for screwing, I have long lost the yen." Said the Angel, "Don't fret, It will happen yet. So don't think of yourself as have been." Then spring came and old Sarah foaled, And the Angel had made her quite bold. She said, "Ab'ram, you jerk You must strip that Turk Of your blessing. It has been foretold." Old Abe said, "I'd rather be dead Than do this deed that's ahead!" And then his first born Of his blessing was shorn, And 'twas given to Isaac instead. Ishmal figured he got the screw When his Daddy anointed the Jew. He said, "I'm damned mad, 'Cause I've just been had. So to this whole damned country, adieu!" Then off to the desert he went, Where he bought him a camel hair tent. Ten goats and a knife And a Bedouin wife. And figured it money well spent. Abe took Isaac up on a hill, To a pile of rocks, for the kill. God said, "Don't have a stroke, It was only a joke! For your trouble, just send me the bill." Ish and Ike grew up bye and bye, To be fruitful and to multiply. And as lusty young men, They produced lots of kin. But they never did understand why. Then Gabriel gave him a black stone, In the Kaabe at Mecca it's shown. "You'll walk seven times around For it is Holy ground. Five or six times I will not condone!" Now the Moslem have gone ever since Down to Mecca, oft at great expense, To revere that black stone, And their sins to atone, And to build up their self confidence. But to the Jew the answer is quite simple. They just pray at the wall of the Temple. There their prayers are read, As they pound their head And put notes into each crack and dimple. When descendants of the two brothers meet, It 'most always will generate heat. Jews will use gun and tank, To steal the West Bank. And anything else that looks neat. The Jews said, "We got you a deal, That is if this bargain we seal, Give us all your good land, We'll leave you the sand And just maybe a little cold steel!" But Allah says, "Rise up and fight! 'Cause what they're doing ain't right. Their leader's a thief Who will soon come to grief, When we get him lined up in our sights!"
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IndexThe eminent basso, Chaliapin, Loved the sound of an audience clappin'. But that tuneful go-getter Loved one thing even better: Spending few hours in bed simply nappin'.
There was a young lady from Cham Who smiled as she entered a tram. When she had embarked The conductor remarked "Your fare" and she said "Yes, I am."
A venturesome three-week-old chamois Strayed off in the woods from his mamois, And might have been dead But some picknickers fed Him with sandwiches, milk, and salamois.
A CLINTONERICK
Clinton's causes just don't stand a chance. Too much heel in that constant tap dance. Too much greed, too much lust, And we simply can't trust The dick he can't keep in his pants. Clinton says, "It is just like back when They found out I'd been seeing Gen, Send your dollars and cents To pay my defense, And I'll try not to screw up again. This weird bimbo who turned on the heat, Has chutzpah a guy cannot beat; I am saving my breath, She should be thrilled to death That I asked her to come to my suite!"
There was a young Chinaman, Chang, Who had a gargantuan whang. Said he, "You just wait Till I reel it out straight, And I'll give you the world's biggest bang!"
An amateur memerist chanted "A spell cannot soon be recanted." "Could it be", was the question, "Post-hypnotic suggestion Is a thought that's continues trance-planted?"
A tree surgeon, though a skilled chap, Couldn't master one great handicap; For despite being good Treating sickness in wood, He'd faint at the mere sight of sap.
Were you a more elegant chap, I'd ask to sit down on your lap, Cross-legged, like a swami, For 'hide the salami', But it seems that you're ill with the clap.
Said a genial, self-confident chap, To the pretty young thing on his lap, "Of course you can't leave. You're here to conceive, And you'll love it, so don't be a sap."
There was a young lady named Chard Whose cunt was exceedingly hard. Even Buster McGuckin Who was used to rough fuckin', Could not get inside without lard.
Said a Guardsman observing his charger, "I do wish my tassel were larger. Could I change with my horse, I would do so, of course, And put in for high stud-fees like Rajah."
A snobbish young woman named Charity, Finds men who can sate her a rarity. So she uses a carrot, Wrapped in fur of a ferret, Which brings her to bliss with celerity.
Charizes - see Devizes
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IndexThere was a young lass named Charlene Met a Scotsmen in old Aberdeen. Feeling no guilt She looked under his kilt And was amazed at what could be seen! Proudly to her he did show Bagpipes where his willy should go But she fainted away When she heard him say, 'Will ye no' gi' i' a wee blow?'
A starry-eyed starlet named Charlotte Said: "Hollywood! home of the harlot, Where cute split-tail bitches Take a quick ride to riches, If their sins are sufficiently scarlet!"
There once was a lawyer named Charlotte, Who was known as a bit of a harlot. She did fifteen men, Then she did them again, Until her quiff turned a bright shade of scarlet.
A guest in a houseold quite charmless, Was informed its eccentic was harmless. "If you're caught unawares At the head of the stairs, Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
She egged him on with her charms, And wriggled right into his arms. She promised him bliss, With her first little kiss, And they soon found themselves in a barn. She slid under his much-muscled torso, And guided his shaft to her [morceau | more so]. He drilled till she ran, And dripped into a pan - She was filled like she'd wished, only more so.
Daily Ditty 139 Monday, 3 November 1997
Winter does, I must say, have its charms - A warm fire, warmer girl in your arms -- "I skied," (show the miss) "Down the slope just like this ... " Without setting off any alarms.
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IndexThere was a young fellow named Charted Who rubbed soap on his [bung | bum] when it smarted, And to his surprise He received a grand prize, For the bubbles he blew when he farted.
There was a young fellow named Charteris Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. Said she, 'I don't mind And up higher you'll find The place where my [fucker | pisser] and farter is.'
There was an old roue of Chartres Who had to stoop over to fart. He'd oft burst his britches, Which put folks in stitches, But proved most inspiring to Sartre.
A bright young attorney named Chase, Defended a girl on the case. He said, "You've no money, But if we win, Honey, I'd like you to sit on my face."
There was a young woman named Chase Who pissed in a Florentine vase, And gave as excuse: "My God, what's the use Of tramping all over the place."
Identity Crisis
A star wanderer named Chase Fell through a black hole in space. Having split and reknit, He queried, troubled in wit, "Did I reincarnate or reface?" {or efface . . . black holes have a tendency to transmogrify their passengers.}
Said an elegant widow named Chase, As she peed in a squat Thracian vase, "The heat of the museum Titillates my perineum, And it looks like my late husband's face."
An unfortunate fellow named Chase, Had an ass that was not quite in place. He showed indignation When an investigation, Showed that some people shit through their face.
When a kinky old loner named Chase Had a sitter report to his place And she asked, "There's a kid?" He said, "No - there's an id! You're a sitter...so sit on my face!"
"My Far Eastern mistress," sighed Chase, "Who's left me is hard to replace. She was super in bed, Giving fabulous head, So what's shameful is my loss of face."
There was a young man who gave chase, To loose women. A pitiful case, Made more sordid by wine, Till at seventy-nine, He died with an evil grimace.
Daily Ditty 114 Thursday, 9 October 1997
The Gingerbread Man led the chase Even horses a poor second place 'Till a fox that he met Got him bothered and wet He got in her but thus lost the race
Links:
IndexAn uppercrust couple, the Chases, Would make love in some outrageous places; In doorways and halls, Zoos, restaurants, and malls, And even at home in some cases.
Two spectres who screwed in a chasm Had a simultaneous spasm. With a howl of despair The invisible pair Was splattered with ectoplasm.
A clergyman's bride, very chaste, Who wanted a child in great haste, Said: "Mother, I grieve, But I'll never conceive - I just can't get used to the taste."
A man who is perfectly chaste Is letting his cock go to waste. His peter will die, His balls atrophy, And his semen will turn into paste.
Julia Child said, "Let's lunch and we'll chat." The champagne she sent back. It was flat. Although she let stay The delicious paté She remarked, "I would like fries with that."
A charming jeune fille of Chateauneuf Had a rep. for knowing her stuff: She did 'a cheval', This remarkable gal, And specialized in soixante-neuf.
A much-too-plump damsel of Chatham Was afflicted alas with a fat ham. She tried and she tried, But it can't be denied That she seldom had mustard on that ham.
To her friends said the Bright one in chatter 'I have learned something new about matter: My speed was so great, Much increased was my weight, Yet I failed to become any fatter!'
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IndexThe gamekeeper of Lady Chatterley Was rewarded more often than qua'terly. 'Though I feel quite a beast.' She reflected, 'At least, I'm having it off more than latterly.'
There was an old lady of Cheadle Who sat down in church on a needle. The needle though blunt, Penetrated her cunt And was promptly removed by the beadle.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle, Who was put in the stocks by the beadle For stealing some pigs, Some coats, and some wigs, That horrible Person of Cheadle.
There was a young woman of Cheadle, Who once gave the clap to a beadle. Said she, "Does it itch?" "It does, you damned bitch, And burns like hellfire when I peedle."
Cheam - see Cheyne
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IndexThere was a young lady from Cheam, Who tried out a breast-growing cream; She woke in the night With a terrible fright; Another had grown in between.
When I think of my lap I feel cheated. It deigns to appear when I'm seated But can never be found When I just stand around Why isn't it there when it's needed?
There was a young fellow (a cheater), Who promised a girl he would treat 'er To something quite fine, Even grand and divine, And then all he brought forth was his peter.
If you're a lamer or cheater, I beg you please, correct your meter. Squish up the words - Smear them like turds - As long as the beater is neater. Your time still is lame? - Eat some bran, Go sit for a day on the can, And shit like you wrote - A few lines will float - Maybe that rare loaf will scan!
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Indexchecks - see Benares
Links:
Indexchecks - see account
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IndexI don't mean to tarnish your cheer, But old Santa Claus is a queer! He fondles the elves, Who pleasure themselves With a bugger up old Santa's rear.
Daily Ditty 169 Wednesday, 3 December 1997
Merry Christmas, Ho-Ho, and Good Cheer I'm afraid that it's that time of year When a good Jewish boy Makes a fool of us Goy And we buy 'till it comes up to here
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Index'Twas the night before Christmas in Cheers. In walks Santa and all those reindeers. Did they drink? Have no doubt! Till the old man passed out, And Norm picked up the tab for the beers.
cheers - see post
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IndexYou'll find in our Irish cheese, Aphrodisiac qualities. Its remarkable curds, Are praised beyond words, By both sexes, the he's and the she's.
A nasty old bugger of Cheltenham Once shit in his bags as he knelt in 'em. So he sold 'em at Ware To a gentleman there Who didn't much like what he smelt in 'em.
A poet from Cheltenham Spa, Had a breakdown while driving his car; As he scribbled a sonnet, Said his bird, 'neath the bonnet: 'You take women's lib much too far.'
As they lay in the sun at Chenini, He said, "Surely a garment so teeny And foreign to Venus Should not come between us? So why not remove your bikini?"
I once had a wife I called Cher, Whose voice was only just fair. And as everyone knows, When it comes to her clothes, She exposes her ass to the air.
There was ano Old Lady of Chertsey, Who made a remarkable curtsey; She twirled round and round Till she sank underground, Which distressed all the people of Chertsey.
A lady with features cherubic Was famed for her area pubic. When they asked her its size She replied with surprize, 'Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?'
A nervous young lady named Cheryl, Said in bed, when she'd shed her apparel, "I'm sick of you lubbers Who forget to bring rubbers, So I sure as hell hope that you're sterile."
My knockers are up on my chest, Which good Mother Nature has blessed. My boy friends can steal, A slow or quick feel, Which I think is all for the best.
There was an Old Person of Chester, Whom several small children did pester; They threw some large stones, Which broke most of his bones, And displeased that Old Person of Chester.
There was a young lady of Chester, Who fell in love with a jester. Her breath came out hotly, At the sight of his motley, But the head on his wand most impressed her.
There once was a pervert named Chester, Whose friends called him "Chet the Molester", Till one day, the dumb twit Grabbed a lady cop's tit. Said the cop, "You are under arrest, Sir."
A young woman got married at Chester, Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. Says she, 'You're in luck, He's a stunning good fuck, For I've had him myself down in Leicester.'
There was a young woman from Chester, Who said to the man who undressed her, "You'll find it best, dear, To approach from the rear. The front is beginning to fester."
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IndexA handsome young gasman from Chester, Surprised a blond housewife called Hester. Said he, "This is sweeter Than reading your meter." So they then took a lengthly siesta.
The vicar of Chester-le-Street Had a whang not far short of two feet; He remarked rather smugly, "It gives all the ugly Old trout in my parish a treat."
There was a professor named Chesterton Who went for a walk with his best shirt on. Being hungy he ate it, But lived to regret it, And ruined his life for his digesterton.
A lacivious young lecher named Chew Had balls that were crooked and blue. But he used them with ease On the heathen Chinese, For their coozies were also askew.
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IndexThere is a young girl in Cheyenne Who has an attraction for man, For her body is svelte, And she loves to be felt, And she helps with her hips all she can.
There was a young lady of [Cheyne | Cheam], Who crept into the vestry unseen. She pulled down her knickers, [And also | Likewise] the Vicar's, And said, "How about it, old bean?"
A vessel has sailed from Chicago With barrels of port for a cargo; For Boston she's bound, Preceded, I've found, By another with beans from near Fargo.
If my last name sounded Chicano, I'd send thirty boxes of guano To the damned NEA - And why shouldn't they pay For a piece called "Shit Andrès Serrano"?
There was a young lady of Chichester Who made all the saints in their niches stir. One morning, at matins, Her breasts in white satins Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir.
An innocent lady in Chichester, One day asked an elderly visitor, "Now why's it illicit For a girl to solicit, When a man can become a solicitor?"
There once was a modern young chick, Who wished above all to be chic. She thought it much neater (Not to mention discreeter) To do it with a sheik with a "Sheik."
Don't guys all envy the chick, Her G-hole, and quarter-inch dick? She comes sev'ral times While to one shot he climbs, Then she laughs at him in the chick clique!
There was a young fellow named Chick, Who fancied himself rather slick. He went to a ball Dressed in nothing at all, But a big velvet bow round his prick.
If you're one who oft chokes his chicken, And you find your digits are stickin', Hook a wet/dry vac Up to your nut sack. No mess, which means less finger lickin'.
While preparing the nest for her chicks Mommy's good sense and judgment were nix, Despite her credentials She forgot the essentials And the first meal at home was breadsticks. With her measurements now overflowing Margaret knew her condition was showing For her comfort she fetched A new wardrobe that stretched To give Junior and Mom room for growing In the hospital, basement to rafter, Wendy's steamer trunk met with much laughter, Acting most dignified She quite calmly replied, "I left room to pack souvenirs after." In her choice of a pediatrician Beth was guided by this definition, "He's on call 'round the clock For the needs of his flock In the best Marcus Welby tradition. Marci started with great expectation Sifting dozens of recommendations, But in all of the batch Not one sitter did match Mary Poppins in qualifications. Before reaching the hospital Annie Was as modest and shy as a granny, This was quickly removed Since delivery behooved That she boldly exhibit her fanny! Nancy commented to husband Fritz "Though it's not quite a suite at the Ritz, The attention's a treat And I'm just a few feet From a bath with my own private sitz." In their quest to extend their good wishes Friends and neighbors were most expeditious, On the fragile excuse That they might be of use They dropped in at times most inauspicious. From Day One it was Thelma's intention To give Danny her total attention, But the baby's demands Needed four extra hands And a six hour daily extension. Karen's pregnancy went without hitches Through delivery right down to the stitches, With her labor behind She was startled to find That she still had to cope with those itches. In her thanks to a misguided shopper Mommy's note was the essence of proper, While her infant reposed Mom adeptly composed, "Laurie loves her electric corn popper." Caroline satisfied like a glutton Every craving from ice cream to mutton, But her urge to indulge Left a post partum bulge Now not one skirt or blouse can she button. One brief glance at her measuring tape Convinced Jane she was quite out of shape, To her utter surprise She enjoyed exercise Now the gym is her favorite escape. Jackie's face gave her friend the impression That she suffered post partum depression But instead of "the blues" It was only tight shoes Which created her woeful expression. On their first dinner outing alone Tom could not keep his wife from the phone With a purse full of dimes Ann called home 16 times Just between her pea soup and T-bone. When the time came to go back to work Jenny said to concerned husband, Kirk, "Everything will be fine If you help tow (sic) the line We can take a trip North as a perk!" Millie planned her reunion with Pete So that baby John wouldn't compete, An evening of dancing And quiet romancing Made their first night together complete. From the start it was Marilyn's aim To get Tom in the parenting game All his efforts were praised And his confidence raised Now "quick changes" are his claim to fame. Susan gave her mom lengthy direction On the art of wet diaper detection, 'Til at last she said "Sue, Who do you think changed you I can handle this job to perfection!" An inheritance from Great Aunt Judy Made Joan think of her own legal duty, To the lawyer she went And left every cent In her will to her new baby, Trudy. Though she dreaded a week's separation Molly knew it was time for vacation, When her husband inferred Bottles, burps and Big Bird Were her main topics of conversation.
There was an Old Person of Chili Whose conduct was painful and silly; He sat on the stairs Eating apples and pears, That imprudent Old Person of Chili
There once was a stitcher with chills, Who thought needlework cured her ills. Her shakes made it crooked, And viewers mistook it For work by one stewed to the gills
chilly - see wash
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IndexThe alarm on the stand starts to chime, And Marceau from his covers does climb. Two bread slices down Until they are brown - His breakfast fare, toast of the mime.
Daily Ditty 29, 16 July 1997
A miserable mite is the chigger Though the tiniest sand grain is bigger The son of a bitch Can sure make you itch And apply calomine by the jigger.
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IndexDown in Rome, Washburn Child, A lecherous fellow and wild - Like his buddy, King Vic, He likes thrusting his prick, Into twats hitherto undefiled.
child - see biography
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IndexWhen they catch a chinchilla in Chile, They cut off its beard, willy-nilly, With a small razor blade, Just to say that they've made A Chilean chinchilla's chin chilly.
There was a Young Lady whose chin, Resembled the point of a pin; So she had it made sharp, And purchased a harp, And played several tunes with her chin.
There was an Old Person of China, Whose daughters were Jiska and Dinah, Amelia and Fluffy, Olivia and Chuffy, And all of them settled in China.
There was a young lady from China, Who mistook her mouth for her vagina. Her clitoris huge, She covered with rouge, And lipsticked her labia minor.
There was a young fellow from China Whose sense of verse was much finer. He thought it divine To end the last line [Quite] suddenly.
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IndexThere was a fat lady of China, Who had an enormous vagina. And when she was dead They painted it red, And used it for docking a liner.
There was an old fellow from China, Who had yet to see a vagina, When he took a bride, And she spread 'em wide, He promptly dropped dead of angina.
A perverted missionary in China, Once said, "There is nothing finer, Than to sit in one's cell, And let one's mind dwell On the charms of the Virgin's vagina."
A passionate maiden from China, Would gently caress her vagina. She fondly would linger With each little finger, As though nothing in China was finer.
There once was a woman in China, Who shoved pork into her vagina. When her agony Sent her to the M.D., She learned of the worm called Trichina.
There was a young preacher from China, Who loved boys but thought birds diviner. But he gets no tail; In fact, he's in jail, Being charged with corrupting a mynah.
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IndexThere was a young man called Nick China Who went up his best girl's vagina, In a moment of bliss He started to piss And became a water diviner.
China - see chums
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IndexNude 'neath her coat of chinchilla, The duchess set forth from her villa. She said, "James, to the zoo, I have nothing to do, So I'll service their bachelor gorilla."
Chinee - see Dundee
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IndexThere once was a heathen Chinee Who went out in the backyard to pee. Said he, 'What is thisee? My cockee no pissee, Hellee, God Damee, chordee.
chink - see sun
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IndexA cowardly hare-lip named Chip. With girls he never had a friendship. So they took a skin graft From the foreskin of his shaft, And now he keeps a stiff upper lip!
A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. While the man detumesced She still spent on with zest, Her rapture sheer anachronism.
The ancient orthographer, Chisholm, Caused a lexicographical schism, When he asked to know whether 'Twere known which was better To use g or j to spell [jism | gism].
There was a young fellow named Chisholm, Afflicted with skin erotism. In bathing, he'd rub His prick on the tub, 'Till the water was soapy with jism.
There was an old lady of Chislehurst Who before she could pee had to whistle first. One day in June She forgot the tune [Wolf whistle] - and her bladder burst.
There once was a person of Chiswick, Who said: 'I despise metaphysic. Oxford may feel That the real is ideal, But it certainly isn't in Chiswick.'
There was a young lady of Chiswick, Who consulted a Doctor of Physic; He tested her hormones, And sexual performones, Then prescribed her a strong aphrodisic.
A young man from famed Chittagong, Worked hard at stool and worked long. He felt a hard mass, Obstructing his ass, Then shit and cried, "I shit a gong!"
There was a young fellow called Chivy Who, whenever he went to the privy, First solaced his mind, Then wiped his behind With some well chosen pages of Livy
For the tenth time, dull Daphnis, said Chlöe You have told me my bosom is snowy; You've made much fine verse on Each part of may person Now do something - [there's | That's] a good boy!
'Come now,' said Bell, 'this is choice. The first telephone! Let's rejoice! Now listen, folks all To the very first call.' 'Sorry, number engaged,' said a voice.
When a girl has made a good choice, Let us all join in and rejoice! He's nicely discreet, His cock is so sweet, And his dick is well known - a Rolls Royce!
There was a young man in the choir Whose penis rose higher and higher, Till it reached such a height It was quite out of sight - But of course you know I'm a liar.
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IndexThere was a young girl in the choir, Whose voice rose higher and higher, Till it reached such a height, It was clear out of sight, And they found it next day in the spire.
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IndexDaily Ditty 13, 23 June, 1997
Mr. Jones was a bass in the choir, Yet a man who loved "playing with fire" He wrestled a bear Who didn't play fair Now he's singing a full octave higher.
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Indexchoir - see Paganini
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IndexAs he came in his chubby choirboy, Father Burke said, "There's no greater Joy! If no sodomy leavens Any possible heavens, Existence will merely annoy."
A priest from the Isle of Choiseul, Was inordinately proud of his tool. So this clerical stallion, Bred a labor battalion, To build him a chapel and schule.
There was a young woman named Cholmondley Who mused to herself rather glolmondley: "Were it not my squint And my rubicund tint I might be considered quite colmondley."
There was a young girl named Cholmondley, Witty, warm-hearted, and colmondley. No girl could be finer But she lacked a vaginer, A sad and arresting anolmondley.
There was a young chappie called Cholmondley, Who always at dinner sat dolmondley; His fair partner said As he crumpled his bread: "Dear me, you do behave rolmondley!"
Marissa once thought sex a chore, Silly, abusive, and a bore, Until she met Percy, Who gave her no mercy, And now it's "Give me more, give me more!"
There was a concupiscent Chorister, Who one day deflowered a florist. Ere Away he could walk, She snipped off his stalk - And thenceforth he came to abhor Ester.
There once was a girl from the chorus Whose virtue was known to be porous. She started by candling, And ended by handling The whole clientele of a whorehouse.
I suppose I could try if I chose, But the question is: 'Can I suppose I could choose what I chose if I chose?' I suppose if I chose to. But nobody knows.
There was a young fellow named Chris, Whose orgasms forced him to piss. And most girls objected To having injected A flood of his piss, 'midst their bliss.
There was a young fellow named Chris who collected toadstools in Diss His interest in fungus was certainly humongous but eating them produced the most bliss.
A certain young woman named Chris, Said, "How odd that young men stand to piss. After all, it's less taxing, And much more relaxing, Just to sit down, as I do, like this."
There was a young woman named Chris, Who said, when she squatted to piss, "Men aren't too bright, They do it upright, When it's simpler to do it like this."
I once knew a skier called Chris Who was often seen out on the piss(te). He'd drink gluwein at night And feel a bit tight But not a day on the slopes would he miss!!
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IndexThere was a young fellow named Chris who thought he saw something amiss A student of King's was having several flings which sure did make Chris reminisce.
There was a young fellow named Chris for whom biology was bliss He modelled it keenly writing papers routinely in which not even a comma was amiss. There was a young fellow named Chris who exclaimed, my expertise is this: mainly epidemiology but also mycology - important subjects one cannot dismiss. There was a young fellow named Chris whose lectures one could not miss if his brilliant wit made the slightest slip the students would take the piss.
Christ - see mire
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IndexA latinist, guild Corpus Christi, Of post-roman manners naught wist he - For symposial sport He swigged down the port, And in the decanter then pissed he.
'What have I done?' said Christine: 'I've ruined the party machine. To lie in the nude Is not very rude, But to lie in the House is obscene.'
There was a young girl named Christine who always appeared most pristine. There was gossip and rumours about smuts on her bloomers, but no one could say they'd been seen!
With his Chinese girl, young Christopher Soon found why men were quite pissed of her. Her cunt, if you please, Was off ninety degrees, And not one man in ten got the gist of her.
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IndexA sorcerer's room-set at Christ's Was plagued by perverse poltergeists; When he found them too frisky, He sought solace in whisky, And swallowed it neat and un-iced.
A man to whom illness was chronic, When told that he needed a tonic, Said, "Oh, Doctor, Dear, Won't you, please, make it beer?" "No, No", said the Doc, "That's Teutonic".
We've got a new maid called Chrysanthemum Who said: 'I have just come from Grantham, mum. I lost my last place In the sorest disgrace, 'Cos I snored through the National Anthem, mum.'
There was a young fellow named Chubb, Who joined a smart buggery club; But his parts were so small, He was no good at all, And they promptly refunded his s[t]ub.
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IndexThere was a young man from Chubut, Who had a remarkable root. When hard, it would bend With a curve at the end, So he fucked himself in the petoot.
The wife of an athlete named Chuck, Found her married life shit-out-of-luck. Her husband played hockey Without wearing a jockey - Now he hasn't got what it takes for a fuck.
There once was a man named Chuck, Who with women, never had luck, Until one fine day, When a woman did say, "Boy, I'd sure like a fuck!"
Chuck - see Mickey
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IndexSaid Oscar, while humping a chum, "Although I am ready to come, I've just thought of a line That's incredibly fine ... Do you mind if I write on your bum?"
ANERICKS or LIMOGRAMS?
There once were a couple of chums Who were playing with long words and sums When they looked into it further Anagram of 'A McDonald's Burger' Turned out to be 'Real dog and crumbs!' There was a young fellow called Gough Who was hungry and started to scoff But he puked up the dish When told "'Fillet o' Fish' Is an anagram of: 'Hell, it is off!'" There was a young fellow called Hitchin Who while eating wouldn't stop bitching. He said "What the heck? 'Chef dick in turkey neck' Anagrams to 'Kentucky Fried Chicken!'" There was a young shaver called Hurst Who thought that his penis was wurst He announced to the nation "Anagram of 'masturbation' Turns out to be: "A moan? It burst!"' You know, it really isn't surprising With absolutely no compromising, The letters of the varsity 'Cambridge University' Change to "A dumber city revising!" You might be interested to hear A short anagram that may cheer 'Evander Holyfield', fightin' That naughty Mike Tyson Becomes: "He'd find lovely ear!" An anagram of 'Monica Seles' Is exceptionally apt, it is The club heard the grunt Then decided to hunt The source of loud "Camel noises" He is the world's biggest moaner In hand he is such a groaner 'cause 'Senator Bob Dole' Doesn't fuck his wife's hole But anagrams: 'So beat old boner!' When it's time for Bill Clinton to go The nation will descend into woe For Senator Bob Dole When rearranged, at the poll: He becomes: 'Bob leader? .Not-so!' An anagram solver from Looe Said: "It's too good to be true!" 'A Wendy Burger' Re-arranged, The snack that is famed Becomes: 'Beware, Dry gnu!'" Her mammaries are quite an exception They attract glances from every direction It is quite clear "Ample and so near!" Can be got from 'Pamela Anderson'. Its not at Canary Wharf In fact it is slightly North But 'The News of the World', The letters uncurled, Become: "Lewd sheet now forth!" A pugilist from Wembley said: "Tripe!" I really do have a big gripe I dropped a great pooper When "Henry Cooper" Anagrammed to "Coroner? Hype!" They give the male passengers curls In their toes when given the whirls When Singapore Airlines' Anagram enshrines: That we "Pioneer Asian Girls!" It started incredibly brash But its fortune started to crash Its fate? It was sealed When British Leyland revealed The letters: "Indelibly trash!" Their aircraft are not fitted with guns They make out that they are your chums But you'll shit in your pants sir When an anagram of Lufthansa Is revealed to be: "Fatal Huns!" Their Hostesses? Well, they aren't the girliest But then again, maybe not the burliest But be they Sir or Ma'am They just love the anagram: Of: Delta Airlines, which is: "I land Earliest!" There was a young stewardess called "Teasy" Whose Captain she had to pleasey He said "A hand-job you gotto 'cos the Company Motto Of Kenya Airways is 'Airy wank? Easy!"' An American lawyer called Bates Was waiting for his flight to the States. But an anagram as always Of South African Airways Is: "Rain? Fury! Chaos awaits!" 'Twas on an air trip to China When her fanny tickled inside her While doing anagrams sometimes Of 'Virgin Atlantic Airlines' She found: "Restrain 'n illicit vagina!" There was a randy hostess on a plane Who'd screw captain or steward just the same While doing anagrams sometimes Of 'Virgin Atlantic Airlines' She found: "Rival girl 'intact'? I insane!" There was a young hostess, or whore Who needed hard sex more and more She said Singapore Airlines' Rearranged sometimes Becomes: "Large penis in? I soar!" When Cyril jacked his post as a bell-hop And obtained a job in a sex-shop He wasn't very surprised to see That an anagram of: 'Pornography' Was, strangely: "Horny rag pop?" There once was a clergyman's daughter Who said: "Dad you really oughta Say a prayer for some rain 'cause 'We hit a Sky error', became The slogan of 'Yorkshire Water'!" A skint redhead with no royal role Was facing a life on the dole She said: "Write a book, I oughter Of 'Budgie the Helicopter': Who asked "Do 'I get the red pubic hole?'" A steaming turd he couldn't pass It was the height of bathroom farce Because this is the issue 'cos 'Andrex Toilet Tissue': Anagrams to: "Insulted exit to arse!"
A New York biker named Chung, Runs a newsgroup that's hip-deep in dung. I guess someone should thank her, But "Sod Off! You Wanker!" Is as close as anyone's come.
I met a young man of Chungking, Who had a very long thing - But you'll guess my surprise When I found that its size, Just measured my third-finger ring!
Sally Nevin plays organ in church With no rhythm at all - just a lurch At the start of each hymn; Her musicianship's dim. So the vestry's engaged in a search.
If the gifted and young Mr Churchill Is to stay on his eminent perch, he'll Shed some of the side Which is hard to abide - Yes - even in young Mr Churchill.
An ultra-high thermist at Churchill Contracted one winter a rare chill; To his doctor he said, "I've a cold in my head, And low temperature suits my research ill."
Said the Duke to the Duchess of Chypre, 'Now, can-paper's grand for a wiper, But I don't give a damn for This new-fangled camphor- and-menthol impregnated paper.' Said the Duchess, 'Well yes, I daresay Plain bum-wad's all right in its way, But there's nothing so grand As some leaves, or your hand, When you're out in the woods for a day.'
What more shall I say of John Ciardi? His humor is junk, his wit shoddy. To speak of his mind Would be most unkind, And, God!, would you look at that body!
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IndexTo make friends with the lumpish John Ciardi, Needs a spirit uncouth, rough, and hardy. When in line for a bit Of amusement and wit, Did he get it? Why, no, he was tardy.
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IndexTo a dinner arrived fat John Ciardi With only his appetite hearty. Conversational ploys? He had nothing but noise, And he spoiled every bit of the party.
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IndexThat the Traylee's the best cigarette, Is a 'tip' that we cannot forget. And in buying, I'll mention There's a three pound a week pension Two good 'lines' - one you give, one you get
There was a young lady named Cilla, Who thought that [nothing | nobody] would fill 'er; To make herself plumper, She stuffed up her jumper Two melons wrapped up in a pillow.
A Jericho title's no cinch! They've fought many times for each inch. With wars great and small, Clear back to the wall, The guy who can clear one's a MENSCH!
Now doesn't this spelling look ciouxrious? 'Tis enough to make anyone fiouxrious. So a word to the wise! Pray our language revise, With orthography not so injiouxrious.
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IndexA tragedy occurred in the circus; The new clown went all berserkus. We found out on the train He can't stand meringue, And without the pie-fight, they won't work us.
There was a young lady named Ciss, Who said, "I think skating a bliss." But she'll never restate, For a wheel off her skate .siht ekil gnihtemos ppu hsinif reh edaM
A horny young monk of Citeau, Used to cool his hot rod in the snow. But no matter how frigid, The thing remained rigid, Popping off when it got two below.
A maiden who wrote of big cities Some songs full of love, fun and pities, Sold her stuff at the shop Of a musical wop Who played [with her soft little titties. | all her soft little ditties.]
The title "A Tale of Two Cities", Tends to fill me with numerous pities. If I had the pickins (Instead of Charles Dickens), I'd call it "One Tail And Two Titties".
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IndexA novel A Tale of Two Cities - For more sales A Tale of Three Cities. Then this proved fallacious They made it salacious And named it A Sale of Two Titties.
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IndexThere was a young man from the city Who met what he thought was a kitty. He gave it a pat And said, 'Nice little cat.' They buried his clothes, out of pity.
A well-endowed girl in our city, Was arrested for showing her titty To an undercover cop, Who said, "Lady, please stop; You're a sight that's just not very pretty."
At the end of all civilization, Is the Planet Terminus's location. There's a girl there whose feat, Without stone or concrete, Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
claim - see mire
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IndexSally sued for support; she was claimin' Phil had fathered her baby named Damon. She said, "I ought to know," As she pointed below, "Because this is the box [that] it came in."
A Salvation lassie named Claire Was having her first love affair. As she climbed into bed She reverently said, 'I wish to be opened with prayer.'
There once was a cellist named Claire, who never could turn down a dare She brought the house down, when she played in one town, wearing short skirts and no underwear. There once was a chamber quartet, One gig was all they could get, Til, their cellist's new hems, Showed off all her limbs, And revealed the group's very best ass-et. What to wear is widely debated, But it cannot be overly stated, If, while bowing a string, you show off your thing, You could get yourself viol-ated. There once was a piper from Clyde, Who played viol, in his kilt, on the side; He moonlighted at night, To the joy and delight Of the ladies; they swooned and they sighed.
There once was a woman named Claire Who'd walk around perfectly bare Saying: "All that I show are my 'publics' you know, for my 'privates' are covered with hair."
Claire - see Kildare
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IndexThere was a young lady named Claire Who possessed a magnificent pair; Or that's what I thought 'Til I saw one get caught On a thorn, and begin to lose air.
A hirsute problem had Claire, Whose looks were otherwise fair. Her pubes hung down From her crotch to the ground, And her tits were all covered with hair.
When Tom had a lady named Claire, He was the first one ever to get there. She said, "Copulation Can result in gestation, But I swear, now you're there, I don't care!"
An eager young French girl named Claire, Endowed with beaucoup pubic hair, Begged her date, "Darling, please Put it in me - don't tease!" He replied, "Oh, I want to! - but where?"
A highway-patrol buff named Claire Once screwed half a troop on a dare; And her pants grew so hot, There was steam from her twat - So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
The curly cunt-hair on cute Claire Makes the men in the nudist camp stare. And like tigers they fight To see who spends the night Splitting open Claire's pubical hair.
Claire - see Bundt
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IndexThere once was a man named Clagg, Who fell in love with a hag. When someone ask why, He looked at his fly, Said "It's better than being a fag."
"My dear unwed mother," said Clancy, "Met a bounder who tickled her fancy. Her fancy thus tickled Caused prickles: thus prickled - Well, you know the rest. Life is chancy."
Harpsichords make a big clank Like coins dropping into bank. But its bagpipes I curse; They're a bloody sight worse. Are they someone's idea of a prank?
clap - see say
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IndexClapham Junction - see Nottingham Junction
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IndexThere once was a co-ed named Clapper In psychology class, quite a napper - But her Freudian dreams Were so classic, it seems That now she's a Phi Beta Kappa.
A desperate spinster from Clare Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, And prayed to her God For a romp on the sod - A passer-by answered her prayer.
There was a Young Lady of Clare, Who was sadly pursued by a bear; When she found she was tired, She abruptly expired, That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
A corpulent classic at Clare Said, "Calories I must forswear." So strong was his will, He fasted until He'd slimmed into clar(e)ified air.
There was an old miser named Clarence, Who simonized both of his parents. "The initial expense," He remarked, "Is immense, But I'll save it in wearence and tearence."
There was a young person named Clarence, Who cabled from Sweden: "Dear Parents: Sex-change operation Creates new relation. As Clara, implore your forebearance."
To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : "I trust you will show some forbearance. My sexual habits I picked up from rabbits, And occasionally watching my parents."
A remarkable fellow named Clarence Learned self-control from his parents. With his wife in bed nude, He'd sit there and brood, And practice the art of forbearance.
There was a young lady called Clarice, Who lived in the city of Paris. She wandered with Sartre, The streets of Montmartre, But she married a chap called Bert Harris.
There was a young girl of Claridge[']s Who said, "What a strange thing marriage is. When you stop to think That I've put down the sink, Five abortions, and fifty miscarriages."
A homely young woman named Clark, Was devoted to sex as a lark. Men recoiled in haste, After a view of her face, So she kept her house totally dark.
A quiet young head known as Clark Liked tripping at home in the dark; But his Christmas went bad When they raided his pad - 'Twas a visit from good old Saint Narc.
There was a young fellow named Clark, Who decided that sex was a lark. Since he couldn't endure The sight of a whore, He would always make love in the dark.
A lecherous fellow named Clark, Raped a bird-loving girl in the park. A splendid surprise! Such vigor! Such size! And she really just came for a lark.
There was an old lady named Clarke, Who didn't look bad in the dark. In the first mists of dawn, She looked haggard and wan. In the full light of day, she looked - stark!
A honeymooning radiologist named Clarke Thought radiation safety a lark. To his virgin bride's delight She had no problems that night, Finding his cock which glowed bright in the dark!
They say that our Al has no class. I'll tell you the reason, alas. While some say he's gentry, His name's Al Imentary, And he never quite runs out of gas.
I'm sitting here in history class, Sitting next to my favorite lass. The Prof's an old goat, But she's taking notes. She, unlike me, has to pass.
Tenure Denied
A professor who flunked his whole class Was arrested for having the brass, In this modern milieu, To adhere to the view: "If you don't do the work, you don't pass."
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IndexKing Louis gave lessons in "Class," [One time he was | Simultaneously] [sexing | lay with] a lass. When she used the word "Damn" He [rebuked her: "Please | said to her] ma'am, Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
Some women of breeding and class, Who venture to picket en masse, Will quote from McLuhan, To each guy they're screwin', And preach on the crassness of grass.
For sculpture that's really first class, You need form, composition, and mass. To do a good Venus, Just leave off the penis, And concentrate all on the ass.
His Nose? Who Knows
A middle aged man, upper class, Got a facelift from doctor so crass. The result, it was horrid With balls on his forehead And eyes poking out of his ass.
A lass at the foot of her class, Asked a brainier chick how to pass. She replied, "With no fuss You can get a B-plus, By letting the prof pat your ass."
A teacher in chemistry class Gave a talk on combustible gas He scarffed down some beans And pulled down his jeans Then held up a match to his ass.
The Pope in regalia first class, Kissed the cunt of a nun after mass. He judged her fair slit, To be hairy and fit, So smoke signals poured out of his ass.
The new women's styles are first class, For revealing the shapely young lass. But though better to view her, It's tougher to screw her, With her stockings up over her ass.
This girl was really first class, And so were her tits and her ass. Her hand jobs were fine; Her blow jobs divine; Which she gave with a bit of pizzazz.
A listener to Classic FM Said: 'Oh, no! Not again.' So he tuned BBC And on Radio 3 Heard the same bloody piece once again.
There were two young ladies of Claversham, Who allowed two gross lechers to ravish 'em. Said May to Elize, "If we just close our eyes, We'll imagine they're Hackett and Faversham!"
To the sound of his beat-up old clavier, A satyr in Xenia named Xavier, Pops girl's maidenheads In rumpled broad beds, With his highly unmusical behavior.
In this book every line has been clean; Not a word that's profane or obscene, Or spelled in four letters That might pain our betters, Or snafu - if you know what we mean.
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IndexAs Professor B. wiped his prick clean, He cried, "Henry! Your shit is obscene. Next time, move your bowels, Or I'll go back to fowls, For I've punctured the piles of the Dean."
This poem's entirely clean Not a word that's profane or obscene Not a thought incorrect To offend any sect And not funny - see what I mean?
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IndexLimericks, tasteful and clean, Are not a big part of my scene. But if they have screwing, Or other such doing, I find them erotic and keen.
clean - see Racine
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IndexTo a dwarf, said his doctor, "It's clear That your ailment is fatal, I fear." "Well," the dwarf said, "I think That I'll buy one last drink For my friends and for me a short bier."
Kate the Great, much irate, said, "It's clear, Court procurer, you've got a bum ear. I said, 'Bring me a NORSE,' You dumb twit, not a horse. Oh, what the hell, long as it's here . . ."
The bashful young batchelor Cleary Of girls is exceedingly leary; Then a lady named Lou Showed him how and with who He could render his evenings more cheery.
Ninth Symphony. Über Sternen muss Ich singen?
Dear Ludwig, this far from the clef I'm as dumb as they say you are deaf. Did you really believe A bass could achieve A repeated top F, fff?
There was a teenager named Clem, Who referred to all girls as "Oh - them." Then one night his dad Stopped to say "Good night, lad," And withdrew with, "Oh, well now - ahem!"
Said the boy driving home towards Clere: 'We've just run out of petrol, my dear.' Said the girl: 'Not to worry! I'm not in a hurry. You get out and push, and I'll steer.'
There once was a lazy young clerk, Who thought sex a great deal of work. But he said, "When I shove, It's a labor of love, And that sort of thing, I can't shirk."
There once was a writer named Clemens, Whose balls were a pair of large lemons. To flavor his tea, He would jack off with glee, And drink it down, 'tremens et gemens'.
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IndexLimericks about clergymen and women
Links:
- Alice
- Ayr
- Birmingham
- Birmingham
- Buckingham
- Buckingham
- Chichester
- Cromer
- declared
- Durham
- fool
- Ibu Plantation
- Kew
- O'Shaunessey
- Peoria
- Australia
- St. Giles
- St. Just
- St. Pauls
- Treet
- two
- unsavoury
- Vermont
- want
- Wells
- Devon
- fox
- Delaney
- Bray
- Bray
- Chester-le-Street
- Inge
- Roylette
- Salisbury
- Tottenham
- Ceuta
- Dean
- Mimms
- Vermont
- Carsphairn
- priest
- Kew
- cloth
- Eltham
- Odessa
- Deanstown
- beginning
- Munda
- Fox
- Harriet
- Liberia
- Limerick
- Coblenz
- beast
- Hawaii
- man
- nun
- Hants
- dismay
- Hyde
- said
- flock
- Tinners
- wood
- Dun Laoghaire
- Byhill
- Ryhill
- St. Paul's
- spinster
- Lloyd
- Deneham
- minister
- Munda
- Balham
- Sissions
- Hestion
- Abbot
- Abbot
clever - see mire
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IndexThere was an old fellow of Clewer, Whose wife was as thin as a skewer; Last night, sad to say, She, at eight, "passed away," Through the bars of a drain on the sewer.
The wife of the butcher of Clewer, Was riding a bike and it threw her. The butcher came by, And said, "Dearest, don't cry," And he fastened her on with a skewer.
There was a young lady of Clewer Who was riding a bike, and it threw her. A man saw her there, With her legs in the air, And seized the occasion to screw her.
An innocent maiden of Clewer, Incited her boyfriend to screw her. She tried to say no, A half second slow - And now when she sits, she says "Oo-er!"
Clewes - see Hughes
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IndexLet's abolish the tattered cliché. Let's aggressively drive it away I'm sure you'll agree To join forces with me. In the meantime - have a good day!
She invented the name and it clicked Though her husband with treachery tricked. On the morn of hid treason His wife asked, "What's the reason You're not eating your eggs, Benedict?"
A dignified fellow named Cliff, Got into a hell of a tiff, With his eager young wife In their newlywed life, When only his manner proved stiff.
There was a young fellow named Cliff, Who said with a yawn, "What's the diff? I may not be tall, And my wealth may be small, But a part of me always stays stiff."
climb - see Benares
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IndexIn Arctic and Tropical Climes, The Integers, addition, and times, Taken (mod p) will yield, A full finite field, As p ranges over the primes.
Said the oncologist at the 'C' clinic, Said, "Dear, it will not be a picnic. But if you pay each bill, I'll have dough in the till, To send my kids to Cal Polytechnic."
And let me the canakin clink, clink And let me the canakin clink. A soldier's a man; O life's but a span; Why then let a soldier drink.
Roses are Red, Teachers are Blue
That teacher you saw in the clink Was arrested by pundits who think "By failing our kids, You injure their ids; We're O.K., they're O.K., but you stink!"
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IndexThere once was a president called Clinton Who'd rather go joggin' than sprintin' But a leisurely pace Might still win this fall's race ... ... if it's Dole that Perot votes are stintin'.
A cabin boy on an old clipper Was quite a bit of a nipper; He plugged his ass With fragments of glass And circumcised the skipper.
In massage parlors, clock-watching Clive Needs a number of girls to arrive: While a team works his cock, He'll be watching the clock To get off at the stroking of five!
There was a young apiarist, Clive, Who took a queen bee for a drive. When asked, "Does she sting?" He said, "No such thing, She's always been known to beehive.
'Neath the Channel they work round the clock With their drill through the limitless rock. Cecil Parkinson's role With regard to this hole Is to plug up the end with his cock.
Wyatt Earp chewed tobacco - the clod! - Which conduced to a habit quite odd: When he popped out his chaw While he practiced his draw, It was clear he'd been shooting his wad!
As dull as the life of the cloister (Except it's a little bit moister), Mutatis mutandum Non est disputandum; There's no thrill in sex for the oyster.
Clombe - see Wight
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IndexDaily Ditty 207 Saturday, 10 January 1998
Bill Clinton's against human cloning "Moral vacuum," we hear ol' Bill groaning (Well, he knows that first hand!) They want human clones banned: Are they Clinton clones thereby condoning? Hey, Bill, let's keep things in proportion Should a cloning produce some distortion And the kid turns out mean You can wipe the slate clean With a post-partum, full-birth abortion.
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IndexMillenium Bug
As the century draws to its close Y2K is upstaged by fresh woes: Nineties folk are perplexed — Should the decade that's next Be the Noughties, or simply the Ohs?
The sex show of Rose's now closes With Rose in positional poses, While the audience studs Keep inserting their puds, So that everyone's coming up Rose's!
A young curate, just new to the cloth, At sex was surely no sloth. He preached masturbation To his whole congregation, And was washed down the aisle on the froth.
Minnehaha was washing her clothes, Unexpectant of sorrows or woes. A snake, a sidewinder, Crawled in her behinder, Wiggled 'round and came out of her nose.
clothes - see toes
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IndexShe stood there and peeled off her clothes, And begged for a bang. Goodness knows I am surely impure And I sizzled to screw 'er, But the push has gone out of my hose.
A centipede, shopping for clothes, Decided to buy some nice hose. She said, "Those look nifty, I'll take about fifty, And those and those and those."
I'd rather have habits than clothes, For that's where my intellect shows. And as for my hair, Do you think I should care To comb it at night with my toes?
The tri-Delts are under a cloud. When their housemother, Mrs. Van Dowd, Either quit or retired, They seem to have hired, A stripteaser - which isn't allowed.
Said Arnold to Arthur Hugh Clough: 'Why I don't instantly stuff Your Amours de Voyage Up my arse is it's large, But I don't think it's quite large enough.'
The Akond of Swat strikes back. A reverse limerick in reply to a verse by Lear
I fear, Mr Lear, you're a clot. You may ask, Who is Noah? Or George Bernard Shaw? Or Beethoven? Or Sir Walter Scott? But never the Akond of Swat!
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IndexThere was a young maid named Clottery Who was [having a fuck | had by a man] in the rockery. She said, '[Listen chum, | Oh! You've come] [You've come on | All over] my bum! This isn't a fuck, it's a mockery.'
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IndexThere was a masseuse at the club, Who was giving a member a rub. Said the member, rubbed red, "Please, miss, use your head! You're rubbing me down to a nub!"
For her Hamlet in drag, actress Clubb, Learned her lines while immersed in the tub. Using Method a bit, She would finger her clit As she memorized "Ah, there's the rub"
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IndexOpera doesn`t give me a clue. The plots are as sticky as glue. They rigged rigaletto and lost the libretto. The finale was played to a few.
clue - see Engineer
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IndexA romantic attraction has clung To a chap of whom damsels have sung: "'Tis the Scourge from the East, That lascivious beast Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
Around the fire the old braves cluster And talk about their long-gone lustre And when they all feel "ugh," Collectively they shrug And re re re re re-live Custer.
There's the very sad story of Clute, Being hung as big as a brute, Went out of his mind 'Cause he never could find A cunt that would take his giant root!
There was a fat lady of Clyde, Whose shoelaces once came untied; She didn't dare stoop For fear she would poop, So she cried and she cried and she cried.
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IndexThere was a young lady from Clyde, Who'd no ticket on which to ride. So she told the conductor Who immediately fucked her, And gave her two dollars besides.
There was a young fellow [from | called] Clyde Who once at a funeral was spied. When asked who was dead, He smilingly said, 'I don't know. I just came for the ride.'
There was a young harlot of Clyde Whose doctor cut open her hide. He misplaced his stitches And closed the wrong niches; She now does her work on the side.
When he rode out, the old Laird of Clyde, Used to make it a matter of pride, To scoop up a lass, Have a quick piece of ass, And discard her without breaking stride.
Clyde - see Ryde
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IndexAn inquisitive bridegroom named Clyde Tried hard to look up in his bride. He cried, "Dammit! Cunts Get small all at once, But they certainly start plenty wide."
There was a young lady from Clyde, Who was forced to become a quick bride. For when her Pa tried her, He found an outsider, Had not been completely outside.
Clyde - see Ryde
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IndexClyde - see Claire
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IndexTo a whore a young fellow named Clyde Said, "I'll pay if new sex you provide." Her glass eye she took out And she said, "Without doubt, Here's a fuck that you never have tried." He gave her the dough from his pocket And his prick he slipped into the socket. Before he could blink She gave it a wink And his pecker went off like a rocket. "My God!" shouted Clyde as he blew, "I must have another such screw. For more cash I must go." And the harlot said, "So, I'll be keeping an eye out for you."
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IndexClyde - see compress
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IndexA certain young fellow from Clynder Was observed through the drawing-room winder With his cock down the throat Of that lady of note, Miss Lovelace (her friends call her Linda.)
Said a lovely Greek maiden named Clytie, "I look mighty nice in my nightie. But beyond all compare, I look cuter when bare, And when I am bare I am bitey.
A man hired by John Smith and Co. Loudly declared he would tho. Man that he saw Dumping dirt near his store. The drivers, therefore, didn't do.
coadjutor - see Czechs
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IndexWily Wiccans, skins blackened by coal, Chanted modal songs on a knoll, When a scolar named Hite Chanced upon their odd rite, They transformed him into a small troll.
Having made a remark rather coarse, A young lady was seized with remorse. She fled from the room, And later, a groom Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
There was an Old Man of the coast, Who placidly sat on a post; But when it was cold He relinquished his hold And called for some hot buttered toast.
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IndexThere was a young girl from the coast, Who, just when she needed it most, Lost her K*t*x and bled All over the bed, And the head and the beard of her host.
There was a young man from the Coast Who had an affair with a ghost. At the height of the orgasm Said the [wan | pallid] phantasm, "I think I can feel it - almost!"
There was a young man from the coast, Who ate melted shit on his toast. When the toast saw the shit, It collapsed in a fit, For the shit was its grandfather's ghost.
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IndexThere was a young man from the Coast, Who received a parcel by post. It contained, so I heard, A triangular turd, And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
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IndexDaily Ditty 60 Saturday, 16 August, 1997
Use your fingers and rotate the cob on some butter, a generous glob Eat across or around, But one thing that I've found, Corn is best when you eat like a slob
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IndexThere once was an prick called Cobain In the arse he was a right pain. He died as a wanker. The shot gun, we thank her. On the ceiling his cranium's a stain. There once was a man named Cobain Whose brains did happen to rain Down from the ceiling, From where paint was peeling, Much to the electricians disdain. There was a sad soul called Cobain, Who, I'm certain, was close to insane. While others would choose Coral Pinks or Sky Blues, He painted the wall with his brain. A troubled young man named Cobain; Felt his life was but only in vain. He embarked on a course, Shot himself with great force, Now he'll never know life and its gains. Yes, Cobain was considered a star; Lived with music, booze, women, and cars. But to kill yourself dead With a shot to the head, Shows us all just how dumb that you are. A troubled young man from Seattle Was fighting an internal battle. He let his angst fester, Embraced his Winchester. Let's hope his fans follow like cattle. There was a Rock Star from Seattle, Who's fans were no smarter than cattle. His life was no fun, So he got a shotgun, And got rid of his skull's wicked rattle. There was a loser called Kurt Who said "My poor life ain't worth dirt! I can't play guitar And I hate who I are." KA-BLAM! How much did it hurt? There once was a asshole named Kurt Who now resides in the dirt. He wrote a few songs And before not too long, His brains stained the front of his shirt. (His12 guage had brains for dessert.) Kurt Cobain lived a life that was rich (In the money of course) - here's the hitch: Gave it up on a whim, (Was he stupid and dim?) Now his look, act, and property's kitch. The grungy young lead of Nirvana Felt he'd be better off as a goner. Dark angst and black rage Cured with a 12 guage. Now if it'd only happen to Madonna.
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IndexThere once was a guy named Cobain, Whose wallpaper gave him migraine, 'Til he found the solution And through self-execution, Repainted it grey with his brain.
With Robert, her boyfriend, Miss Cobb Would nod when engaged in a job. It was wrongfully said She was bobbing her head, When she was really heading her Bob.
A handsome young maiden named Cobb Hung around with an old crusty slob. He said "She's the shit, But I'll need to get fit Or she'll never drink spunk from my knob."
A personnel person from Cobb Was giving a young man the job. Said she, "I can tell You will do very well. You're a young man who uses his knob."
There was a young man of Coblenz Whose bollocks were simply immense: It took forty-four draymen, A priest and three laymen To carry them thither and thence.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz, The length of whose legs was immense; He went with one prance From Turkey to France, That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
There was a young man of Coblenz, The size of whose balls was immense. One day, playing soccer, He sprung his left knocker, And kicked it right over the fence.
That great tribal leader Cochise took a two-story wigwam on lease, Then he filled it with squaws And explained, "That's because It's high time I started papeese."
If you really like sucking a cock, You'd better not look at the clock. 'Cause sucking takes time, Too quick is a crime, And better by far than a fock.
Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks; Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. When he's under the weather They can't get together, So others get into her box.
Ten thousand GI's with hard cocks Lined up around town for ten blocks, For a chance to fuck Millie; Half the gang fucked her silly, And the rest shot their wads in their socks.
John Bobbitt was a bit too cocky, And his marriage grew ever more rocky. Now it's true, I swear, That in terms of underwear, He wears stitches, not boxers or jockeys.
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IndexThat computing is first about coding, Is a thought that I find simply foreboding. They should be taught instead About using their head, Or in ten years their careers will be folding.
The College Experience
At Commencement an angry young co-ed Was arrested for shouting, "It's no ed! I paid you for Newton, Bach, Kant and Rasputin, But all that you offered was Vo-Ed!"
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IndexHer daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin, Had morals the city might soften. So she phoned and asked, "Lynn, Are you living in sin?" Lynn said, "No - but I visit there often."
cognize - see cells
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IndexA randy young sideman named Cohn, Tied his donicker to his trombone. Though improving his skills Of glissandos and trills, It utterly ruined his tone.
A certain old maid of Cohoes In despair taught her bird to propose; But the parrot, dejected At being accepted, Spoke some lines too profane to disclose.
There was a young man of Cohoes Who diddled himself with his toes. He did it so neat He betrothed his own feet, And christened them Myrtle and Rose.
There was a young girl of Cohoes, Who jerked herself off with her nose. She said, "Yes, I done it But just for the fun it Afforded the folk of Cohoes."
A lady who favors coition Has invented the spaceship position. She lies down with ease And pulls up her knees, And hollers, "Lift off!" and "Ignition!"
In considering active coition, Good girls scorn to impose a condition. They let it be known They have to be shown, To adopt any wanted position.
One evening a guru had coitus With an actress, a whore and a poetess. When asked what position He used for coition, He answered serenely, "The Loetus."
A sailor indulged in coitus With a cow of the genus of Cetus. Piscatologists thundered, Biologists wondered, At the anchor tattooed on the foetus.
The passionate ass on Miss Coker Requires wild prods from my poker. You can hear her a block, When I ram in my cock, And ten blocks when I start to butt stroke 'er!
The curvaceous cutie, Miss Coker, Regrets ever playing strip poker. When she lost, she soon found She was rushed bedroom bound, With seven guys drooling to stroke her.
The Dickensian borough of Coketown Would get any sensible bloke down; The rigidly trad. mind Of rigid T. Gradgrind Is geared to make liberal folk frown.
The Mater of Convent Colchester Did sate her with Brother Sylvester, Who cried, "Sainted God! She had tainted my cod!" When later it started to fester.
Autumn
Life is sad and so slow and so cold As the leaves that were green turn to gold, As the lonely lake fills And there's ice in the hills And the long loathly winter takes hold...
The English are creatures quite cold, Though one of them ventured so bold, As to say to his bride: "Please turn on your side, I believe I have gotten ass-holed."
Said a lecherous damsel named Cole, When I complained about greasing my pole: "Don't be so meticulous, Honey man, it's ridiculous - Let it slide into any old hole!"
Said a zealous young student named Coles, "As we always term Polish folk 'Poles', I am more than inclined, With my logical mind, To designate Holland's sons 'Holes'".
There was a young pervert from Coll Who kept an inflatable doll. When he wanted to grind her He straddled behind her And rammed it home, bollocks and all.
The Taurangan Lim'rick Collector, Sought them like a Gold Prospector, Clever and baudy, Silly and naughty, Till nabbed by the Postal Inspector.
This young Spanish dancer, Collette Was assaulted by the boy, Manolette! But he failed in his attempt Now he walks with a limp Getting his balls caught in Collette's castinette.
There once was a gouty old colonel Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, And he cried in his tiffin For his prick wouldn't stiffen, And the size of the thing was infernal.
A sexagenarian colonel, Considered himself ever-vernal. It was thought, though, his prick Was as soft as a wick, And lifeless, except in a urinal.
There once was a choleric colonel, Who used oaths both obscene and infernal; Till the Chaplin, aghast, Gave up protest at last, And just wrote them down in his journal.
An old martinet of a colonel, Had a temper positively infernal, And the reason for this Was it hurt him to piss, And his wife's services were diurnal
A militant WAC, an old colonel, Protests in a manner infernal. Each week, without fail, She sends a dead whale, To the Editor: Ladies Home Journal.
An unpopular youth of Cologne With a pain in his stomach did mogne. He heaved a great sigh, And said, 'I would digh, But the loss would be only my ogne.'
A promiscuous gal in Cologne Felt so ill, she ached down to the bone; Her doctor then said, "Better get thee to bed, But for God's Sake, please get there alone."
A bandito in old Colorado Was well known as a sex desperado, When mounting a filly Aothough it looked silly, He greased up with mashed avocado.
There was an Old Man of Columbia, Who was thirsty and called out for some beer! But they brought it quite hot In a small copper pot, Which disgusted that Man of Columbia.
A boy who played tunes on a comb, Had become such a nuisance at homb, His ma spanked him, and then, "Will you do it again?" And he cheerfully answered her, "Nomb."
On Lady Chatterley
Her husband was hors de combat, But she didn't have to look very far For suitable fellers, The gamekeeper, Mellors, Provided the non sine qua.
comer - see Summer
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IndexThe first troops under Spanish command, To set foot on Floridian sand, Found a Seminole maid, Who took trinkets in trade, And gave them the lay of the land.
The department is run by committee, And I say it's all quite a pity. Like canvassing the vote In a land quite remote, When the election is held in the city.
In a Lewd diplomatic community A charge claimed he screwed with impunity; But he soon had a shock From his embassy's doc, Since he lacked diplomatic immunity.
There was an old bugger of Como, Who suddenly cried, "Ecce Homo!" He tracked his man down, To the heart of the town, And gobbled him off in the duomo.
There was a young man named Colquhoun Who kept as a pet a babuhoun. His mother said, 'Cholmondeley, I don't think it's quite colmondeley To feed your babuhoun with [a] spuhoun.'
Few people could hope to compare With the two who made love on the stair. When the bannister broke, They thought it a joke, And just carried on in mid-air.
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IndexA mosquito was heard to complain That a chemist had poisoned his brain Asked how this was so He replied, "Dichloro- Diphenyl-trichloroethane!"
As a C.P.A.'s mistress complains, "When he's soused, his virility wanes, So I get, when he drinks, A male asset that shrinks, And no cervical capital gains."
The limerick's an art form complex Whose contents run chiefly to sex; It's famous for virgins And masculine urgin's, And vulgar erotic effects.
She spoke with loquacious complexity that left men in a state of perplexity they sought with depravity her lower concavity and her chest of enormous convexity.
"list five lines a tale you compress," But compressing too much is a mess. A limerick of five lines will do "But never with four, three, or two." For three is too short -- A poet who lived in Verdun Wrote limericks that stopped at line one. "Since that's how it is," This limerick's not his. A foreshortened limerick's not pure; Its need to exist is obscure. It is very important That it not be foreshortened. "The man who writes six lines, I'll bet," Has not been located as yet. "But I sense now and then," "He's still weilding his pen," "And he's someone that one time I met," A meeting I'll always regret. "A poet efficient, perplexed" "Many folks, and it seems they were vexed," "For his theme, we deplore" Would end at line four. "The fifth line was first of the next," "A thing that left many perplexed," For shortly his theme Would run out of steam. "Since this line must rhyme with 'the next'," It soon left the poor poet vexed And somewhat perplexed. AspacesavingpoetnamedBliss "Thoughtnothingatallwasamiss," "Formuchpaperhesaved," Buttheyjudgedhimdepraved Whenhetriedtojamletterslikethis. .front to back lines wrote poet One ".brunt the took ,abuse to exposed And" track the on remain To ;back to front write must One ".dunt say I ,perverse verse write who Those"
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IndexThere are thousands of brands of computers, Each of which has its own rooters. And each rooter bristles If yours has more whistles Or klaxons or sirens or hooters.
concern - see 44D's
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IndexIn Eden lay Adam concerned That new outlets for pleasure be learned, But the man was a gent For the guy really meant: "We'll be certain no leaf is unturned."
concerned - see urbanity
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Index"The limerick is neat and concise," Yet crammed with delectable spice. There's no need for pomposity Or extraneous verbosity When a four-letter word will suffice.
condiment - see Hackett
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IndexA fellatrix' healthful condition Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. Her remarkable diet, (I suggest that you try it) Was only her clients' emission.
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IndexSaid her grace, "I impose one condition, Before I assume the position. It's my view that nudity Cannot excuse crudity. No fucking. Just tasteful coition."
HARPSICHORD ON THE ROOF OF A TONEY CONDOMINIUM
I once lived in a posh condominium, With raccoons, cats, and other verminium, Each night - what a din As they screwed on the tin! Or perhaps it was plain aluminium.
There was a young lady of Condover Whose husband had ceased to be fond of her. He could not forget He had wooed a brunette But peroxide had now made a blonde of her.
An impotent fellow named Condrey Sent his flabby old cock to the laundry. They returned it in March, Straight and stiffened with starch; How to wear his pants now is his quandary.
confess - see bored
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IndexA candid professor confesses That the secret of half his success is Not his science, as such, Not its marvels so much As his bright irresponsible guesses.
Daily Ditty 65 Thursday, 21 August, 1997
"Half my lifetime," my old friend confesses, "I've been looking up pretty girl's dresses. Now I don't get the chance 'Cause the girls all wear pants And the guys are the ones with long tresses." "Half a lifetime," my old friend then sighs, "Of kneecaps and pretty bare thighs, But intact underwear Has always been there To prevent any pleasant surprise." "Forty years of perusing all skirts, Of straining my sight 'till it hurts; Not once what I saw Was breaking the law, I'd done better perusing men's shirts!" My friend is too old for conversion ... I'm upset by his childish perversion Well, since I'm upset I'll relax on the net By perusing some "adult" diversion ...
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Index"Oh Father, I have a confession, But I won't tell with whom I've been messin'." He replied, "Is it Sandy? Or Julia? Or Mandy?" And I got three good leads from one session.
There was a most stupid Confessor, Who counselled each contrite transgressor, "If you'll put an amount In my private account, You penance will be so much lesser."
By Loch Ness, they can toss, like confetti, The proofs that they've snapped, from the jetty, Abominable Snowmen? Apparently no men Have every quite filmed them, as yeti.
confidence - see chagrin
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Indexconfinements - see us
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IndexThere was [a young blade | an old man] of Connaught Whose prick was remarkably short. When he got into bed [His lady friend | The old woman] said, "This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
There was a brave girl of Connecticut, Who signalled the train with her pecticut; Which the papers defined As presence of mind, But deplorable absence of ecticut.
There was a young girl of Connecticut, Who didn't care much about etiquette. Whenever she was able She'd piss on the table, And mop off her cunt with her petticoat.
A mathematician confided That a Möbius strip is one-sided. You'll get quite a laugh If you cut it in half For it stays in one piece [when | though] divided.
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IndexI confess, and my stomach confirms, That something inside of me squirms When I read in the pages Of history's Dark Ages Men partook of a Diet of Worms
consoled - see it
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IndexA Bashaw came to Constantinople, He was in a plight the most woeful; His fate he bewails, For they took his three tails, By orders from Constantinople.
The rector of West Constipation Created an awful sensation; It was often his wont To jerk off in the font, And three virgins are far in gestation.
The United States Constitution Owed a good deal to his contribution; This came as a shock In heaven to Locke, And he offered to make restitution.
Imagine my stark consternation At feeling a surgeon's rude hands Exploring my person (Page Aimée McPherson) And then rudely snatching my glands.
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Indexconsumed - see exhumed
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IndexA shopper and avid consumer Developed a malignant tumor. When Blue Cross paid the bill, It gave her such a thrill, That she cried, "Now I'll take one or two more!"
It's true that this sparkle contends With these claims, but it really depends - Credit where credit's due, Is the sparkle from you Or the postman and several close friends? My wife is faithful, I know, Wild oats she has no need to sow, For morning to night I can turn on that light With my aptly named Giant Marrow. Our friends are a peculiar bunch, The sort when they come round to lunch, They sit and they witter, They snigger and titter And the Postie's back's a big hunch. Your replies were most prompt and quite snappy, You're an amiable sort of chappy. But please, tell me do, If your spouse is so true, Then why are the binmen so happy?
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IndexA national limerick contest With entries from Presque Isle to Point Quonset A bit you'd be paid Thus the gauntlet is laid For you to accept from the onset.
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IndexA pert miss named Mary Contrary, Was attacked by a man on a ferry. When he'd done, he said, "Come On now, swallow my scum!" "I won't - but I want to," said Mary.
controlled - see hair
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IndexA bore asked in brief conversation If I believed in reincarnation. I said, "Yes! You of course Were the front end of a horse; Your presence is pure confirmation!"
Sex need not be all conversational. Without talking, it's still inspirational. But mind you're not burned, For many have learned, The act can be baby-creational.
On the hundredth Baptist conversion, A preacher kept urgin' a virgin. 'Til she finally gave in, When he said, "It's no sin, As long as it's total immersion."
A very smart lady named Cookie Said, 'I like to mix gambling with nookie. Before every race I go home to my place And curl up with a very good bookie.'
Now, young hoods are considered "way cool" If they rumble, or burn down the school. But when I was a lad I was "evil" or "bad" If I farted, or played with my tool.
cool - see NG
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Indexcool - see that
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IndexJimi Hendrix thought Handel was 'Cool': The man was clearly no fool, But when he played His style soon strayed From the sound of the authentic school.
As the heat of publicity cools, John Wayne Bobbitt is following rules For transforming his pain Into capital gain. He's helping to sell Snap-On-Tools.
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IndexThere was an exuberant 'coon', Who invented a horrible tune For a horrible dance, Which suggested the prance Of a half-epileptic baboon.
There once was a man nicknamed "Coop." For him, rapin' girls was duck soup. But hooray for old Lottie Who knew her Karate, And knocked that som'bitch for a loop!
Said the doc to J. Fenimore Cooper, "Son, there's something gone wrong with your pooper. The Indians, I fear, Have attacked from the rear, While you lay in inebriate stupor."
In a lane, a young fellow named Cooper, Committed a terrible blooper. He had his girl bare, In his car, unaware Of a vigilant nearby state trooper.
A flatulent fellow named Cooper Is known as a blue-ribbon pooper. Them as knows, says it means He's a glutton for beans - Well, he sure bangs 'em out like a trooper.
There was a young matron of Cooser, Whose spouse would do nothing but goose her. While he watched through a crack, She bared for a black, And, boy!, did that bugger seduce her.
coot - see Louise
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IndexA toast to the lady vice cop With the most busts, for trying to stop The tide of ill-doing, In pay-for-play screwing - Undercover, she came out on top!
A quite dashing but horny young cop Knew how to get girl thieves to stop. He'd halt the young misses By blowing sweet kisses, Knock them down and then jump right on top.
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IndexA quite dashing but horny young cop Knew how to get girl thieves to stop. He'd halt the young misses By blowing them kisses, Knock them down, and then knock them up.
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Indexcop - see Louise
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IndexThere was a young Commonwealth copper Whose pride was a really fine whopper. Twice 'round the bed, Then over his head, And then up his arse for a stopper.
In Heaven, the British are cops. The German mechanics are tops. The French are the cooks, The Swedes have good looks, And all public fountains have schnapps. In Hell, it's not nearly as staid; There are times you can actually get laid. They use a big tube And dispense with the lube And care not if the gerbil's afraid. In Hell, the prim British are cooks, And the Zulus have all the good looks. The lovers are Swiss; The Italians hate this, And you dance every night with Chinooks.
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IndexA fellow from old Copenhagen Wooed a girl in his little Volkswagen; But the damage was high: The stick-shift in his eye, And a gash from the dash in his noggin'.
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IndexIn the city of Copenhagen, Lived Baron Vonlongeetonhagen; While viewing the stars, Or hunting for Mars, His wig left the Baron of Copenhagen.
A lad, at his first copulation, Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, Gyration, elation Throughout the duration, I guess I'll give up masturbation."
A bellicose female named Cora, Thinks wedlock a male-driven horror, And sub rosa screwing Ain't what Libs are doing, Tune in for her answer tomorrow.
There was a young lady of [Corbie | Cowerbie] Who said, "Oh, the men really bore me! But I reckon, without 'em, Though I hate 'em and scout 'em, There just would be no one to scour me."
There was a fat girl named Corelli, Whose tits hung down to her belly. She enjoyed copulation, With such animation, That she mashed all her partners to jelly.
A high-scoring bowler named Corey, Who was asked by the press for his story, Said, "I'll give you a tip; It's all in the grip, Which I owe to my fiancé, Laurie."
A hard-working waitress named Cora Discovered that drummers adore a Titty that's ripe And a cunt that is tripe - Now she doesn't work hard any more-a!
There was an Old Man of Corfu, Who never knew what he should do; So he rushed up and down Till the sun made him brown, That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
There was an old man of Corfu, Who fed upon [cunt-juice | garbage] and [spew | kitty-cat stew]. When he couldn't get [that | this], He [ate what he shat | fed upon piss] - And [a] bloody good [shit he shat | substitute], too. On clinkers his choice often fell, Or clabbered piss brought to a jell. When these palled to his taste He tried snot and turd-paste, And found them delicious as well. He ate them, and sighed, and said, 'What Uncommonly fine shit and snot! Now really, the two Are too good to be true - I would rather have et them than not.'
There once was a man from Corfu, Who liked to give bitches a screw. After every good fuck, He paid her a buck And for buying her pups, he paid two.
An ex-teenage delinquent, Corine, Is well paid for the tricks she takes in. Now she owns her own plane And a villa in Spain, All procured with the wages of sin.
There was a young lady from Cork, Who expected a call from the stork. But with infinite caution, She performed an abortion, With two silver spoons and a fork.
There was a young lady of Cork, Whose Pa made a fortune in pork. He bought for his daughter A tutor who taught her To balance green peas on her fork.
A naive young lady of Cork Was told she was brought by the stork. But after a day With a gent named O'Shea, She distrusted all that sort of talk.
Cork - see Dunellen
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IndexIn the oceans, Puerto Rico's a cork. Its national bird is the stork. There the natives deploy To share natural joy, And then send the results to New York.
My very good friends in Cormeilles Live rather a long way aweilles - I must leap on a plane Or a ferry, or train, To see them whenever I meilles!
There once was a girl from Cornell, Whose tits were shaped like a bell. When you touched them they shrunk, Except when she was drunk. And then they got bigger than hell.
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner Extracting cube roots of infinity; An assignment for boys. This will minimize noise And produce a more peaceful vicinity.
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IndexO'Grady of the US Air Corps Hid from Serbs for four days plus one more. Clinton said, "Cheers, But for five years I avoided the Vietnam War!"
Sally-Jo taught erotic correction. She told her student to get an erection. "Put your dick in my mouth. Move it north, move it south - Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"
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IndexA reverse limerick in reply to one of Lear's
My purpose was purely corrective But the lid that you drew Would never close to, Which rendered my scheme ineffective How I wish you had studied perspective.
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IndexA lady [named Belle da Cunt | whose name was Blanch] Corrigan Was the mistress of J. Pierpont Mor[i]gan. Till she handed the banker [A hell of a | Incurable] chancre, And now she is just a plain whore again.
There was a Young Lady of Corsica, Who purchased a little brown Saucy-cur, Which she fed upon Ham And hot Raspberry Jam, That expensive Young Lady of Corsica.
A senora who strolled on the Corso Displayed quite a lot of her torso. A crowd soon collected And no one objected Though some were in favour of more so.
Don't put too much trust in that cortisone, And don't ever apply to the naughty zone. When all else is lost, Preserve at all cost From cortisone the naughty old bawdy zone.
An ARPAnaut name of Corvette Had a fetish involving the net. As he foldled his IMP, His cock went from limp To as hard as concrete which has set.
A word spout named Howard Cosell Set his sights on the language Nobel, By over inflating His conflabulating, But to blow hard is not to blow well.
Cosham - see Josham
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IndexCostanza - see Kansas
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IndexA youth and a maiden from Costessey, Sat and talked on a bank that was mostessey; After six hours of this, The youth ventures a kiss - Not exactly a speed-merchant, wostessey?
"I don't know how much this is costing," Said her student, still covered in frosting. "But I can say with affinity That I've lost my virginity. Quite frankly, my dear, you're exhausting!"
costing - see explicit
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IndexHave you heard about Mrs. Cotell? She checked into the Eden Motel, For a blissful weekend, With the friend of a friend, But when she got home, she caught Hell.
On the plains I met grizzled Jake Cotter And his gal, the Shoshone Chief's daughter. Her smile, it was broad, And her beauty unflawed; I had some wampum left, so I bought her!
There was an old Doctor called Coué, Who said to his patients: 'J'ai voué To cure all your ills Without any pills - You just think yourself well - that's the new way!'
A fairy named Wind said, "I could, If healthy, give pleasure - and would! But, alas, a disease Cramps my yearning to please, Since an ill Wind blows nobody good."
A fellow from Nome with a cough, Would snicker and snortle and scoff, At warm woolen drawers, When going outdoors - 'Twas pneumonia that carried him off.
There was an old Doctor named Couie, Who said to his patients, "J'ai vouié To cure all your ills Without any pills; You just think yourself well - that's the new way!"
A fairie named Wind said, "I could If [feeling] better give pleasure I would. But this cramping disease Curbed my yearning to please For an ill Wind blows nobody good."
A near-sighted fellow named Coulter Led a glamorized gal to the altar. Quite lovely he thought her Till some strong soap and hot water Made her look like the rock of Gibralter.
When the race for the moon runs its course, And women are sent there by force, Will the men they embrace, In the world's outer space, Start to call making love, "outercourse"?
Colonel Custer said, "Good folks, of course, I do not have the slightest remorse For what I have done To see the west won And just who is this guy, Crazy Horse?"
There was a young man of Newminster Court Buggered a pig, but his prick was too short. Said the hog, 'It's not nice, But pray take my advice: Make tracks, or by the police you'll be caught.'
There was a young lady at court Who said to the King, with a snort: 'Was it humour or shyness That prompted your Highness To put Spanish Fly in my port?'
A hardware debugger named Court, Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. But its buffer array Only handled 1K, So the port's driver cut it off short.
court - see Muffet
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Indexcouth - see sainted
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IndexThe cautious collapsible cow Gives milk by the sweat of her brow; Then under the trees She folds her front knees And sinks fore and afte [sic] with a bow
Said a rancher, while roping a cow, "I wish that someday they'd endow, A wench with a rear Firm and wide like a steer, And a mouth that could suck like a sow." Said a cowpuncher punching a cow: "I wish that somehow they'd endow My frau with a bogey As good as this dogie, Or as fine as that suckalin' sow!"
A budding young playwright named Coward Came into the Twenties and flowered. He continued to sparkle Until the Debacle: Now the fruit is a teeny bit soured.
An astonished young lady named Coward, Remarked, after being deflowered, "I knew that connection Was made in that section, But not that it's so damned high-powered."
Sir Lancelot, never a coward, Every maiden in Camelot scoured. He even went farther With Gwennie than Arthur. That's when knighthood was truly deflowered.
Cowerbie - see Corbie
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IndexA large-breasted lady from Cowes, Concealed a fat cat in her blouse. Someone said, "I'll be blest! Is all that your breast?" And from her six teats[titties] came miaous.
An unfortunate bugger named Cowl Took a shit while as drunk as an owl. He stumbled, alack! And fell flat on his back, And his ballocks slipped into his bowel.
Have you heard of the lady named Cox Who had a capacious old box? When her lover was in place She said, 'Please turn your face. I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox.'
There once was a weirdo named Cox Who loved to sniff everyone's socks. Said he: "Sure, it's stinky, But don't call me kinky Or I'll send you back home in a box!"
Said an anxious young lady named Cox, "On birth-control pills, wish a pox! For some they may work, But not for this jerk, They always fall out of my box."
On the telly is Ms. Courtney Cox, Who is really one helluva fox! Do you think if I'm hung And extended my tongue. She would let me slide into her box?
Snarls a hockey defenseman named Cox, Who's contracted a case of the pox: "When you're offered a bod, Body-checking, by God, Keeps you out of the penalty box!"
There was a young man named Isaac Cox, Who took as his motto, "I suck cocks." This frank declaration Brought him such reputation That he spent twenty years sucking cocks on the docks.
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IndexThere was a young girl of Coxsaxie, Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. She was fucked at the show, In the twenty-third row, And once more going home in the taxi.
The cruelest of creatures the crab With claws that can pinch you or stab, And then when you dine On crab and white wine It gets you as well with the tab.
Two sisters infested with crabs, Resorted to pokes and to jabs, When the elder related She felt obligated To collect the small lice for the labs.
There's an N.F.L. groupie who's cracking, "I provide what at home may be lacking: Since I lure them to bed With the promise of head, I'm an expert at quarterback sacking."
crafty - see sin
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IndexThere was a young lady of Crail Who put up her body for sale. For the sake of the blind She engraved her behind With a list of her prices, in braille.
A shy bride admitted to Crandall, That for years she'd worked off with a candle; But a cock like his dick Gave her ten times the kick, Though it strained her wee peehole to handle!
crap - see sex
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Index[Queen Victoria, | A lady, while] taking a crap, Had a volume by Keats on her lap ... Waking up with a start She let fly a fart And broke up a really good nap.
A Man's Lament: We Can't Win
What's the deal with this toilet-seat crap? If we don't put it up, there's a flap. Leave it up ... and we get A new lecture, yet Either way, we'll be in for a rap.
crass - see scene
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IndexAn eclectic collector called Crandall, Acquired, with the aid of a vandal, The bottled remains Of John Maynard Keynes, And the organs of George Frederick Handel.
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IndexThere was a young fellow named Cratchet, Who cut off his prick with a hatchet. He packed it in beer, Then sent it to Sears, And ordered a cunt that would match it.
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IndexA crafty cartographer, Crater, Is rumored to be quite a satyr. His testes alone, To such size are they grown, Must be viewed in projection Mercator.
If it's good jokes that I crave, I'll sub-link my old friend named Dave. His browser's a whore - She'll find me some more, Now ram this spam up in your cave!
When seafood's a dish you are craving, Ask of the wife you're enslaving, To eat her clam raw. (Best dish I ever saw) And I promise you'll cum away raving.
Since early spring I've crept at snailish crawl, To finish this stone fence good neighbors call Good. Now the winds the stately birches bend And I have miles to go before I end, Someone there is who doesn't love a wall.
The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray At breakfast with horrid dismay, So he launched off the spoons The pits from his prunes At their heads as they neared the buffet.
The bedsprings next door bounce and creak; They have kept me awake for a week. Why do newlyweds Select squeaky beds To develop their fucking technique.
At the Iron Horse Steam Baths, the cream Of the gay rail elite live a dream! How those Bruces are thrilled! Their cabooses are drilled... Then they're blown with a full head of steam!
Since right at the dawn of creation, Men have all shot their libation Into the tails Of other stud males, Who find it a pleasing sensation.
A salt at the dawn of creation Prayed to Aquarius for its solvation. And that solvation force Caused an ionic divorce In a sacrament known as hydration.
A sweetly developed young creature, Developed a crush on her teacher, Who developed a lump That developed a bump That is now her most prominent feature.
The Abominable Snowman's a creature, That has a singular feature, A rather large eye That looks up at the sky. It reminds me a lot of my teacher.
Albert Einstein's the man we must credit For being the man who first said it. The name of the game That brought him his fame Was E = mc squared - Geddit?
A certain young gourmet of Crediton Took some paté de foie gras and spread it on A chocolate biscuit Then murmered, 'I'll risk it': His tomb bears the date that he said it on.
Creek - see Barking Creek, Hat Creek, Lowater Creek
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IndexA girl went down by the creek, And had her cunt licked by a peke, Her bottom enjoyed By sixteen unemployed, And her mouth crammed with spunk by a Greek.
The joyprong on Ichabod Creep Makes trollops he trafficks with weep. His twenty-inch tool Gets small use, as a rule, For you find damn few whores half that deep!
creep - see beer
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IndexA Wyoming rancher would creep Out at night to inseminate sheep. He had to feel fleece Before he could release, Now his wife wears wool panties to sleep.
A parson who lived near Cremorne, Looked down on all women with scorn. Even a boy's white, fat bum Could not make him come, But an old man's piles gave him the horn.
A van-driving hooker named Crenna, C.B.ing for tricks near Ravenna, Locked professional gears With a Smokey with ears And a hyperextended antenna.
In New Orleans dwelled a young Creole Who, when asked if her hair was all reole, Replied with a shrug "Just give it a tug And decide by the way that I squeole."
There once was a fabulous Creole, Whose prick had a wide-open pee-hole. This carrot so orange, Got caught in the door-hinge, When he tried to bugger the key-hole.
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IndexWhen he lets fly a foul crepitation, Gassy Gus must create a sensation. It's worse that just silly - He's been gorging on chili, In an effort to gas the whole nation.
If you find yourself to be cresting, Into some young girl who's just breasting, Handle with care While she is bare, So as not to be accused of molesting.
There was a young harlot of Crete Whose fucking was far, far too fleet. So they tied down her ass With a long ton of brass To give them a much longer treat. When the Nazis landed in Crete All the harlots were forced to compete With the many Storm Troopers Who were using their poopers For things other than to excrete. Our subversive young harlot of Crete Was led to fifth-column deceit. When the paratroops landed Her trade was expanded By at once going down on their meat. Then here was this harlot of Crete, She decided to be very neat. She said, 'I'm too high class To ream common ass, And I'll wash every prick that I eat.'
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IndexA pretty young harlot of Crete Used to hawk her meat in the street. Ambling out one fine day In a most casual way, She clapped up the whole British fleet.
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IndexThere was a Young Person of Crete Whose toilet was far from complete; She dressed in a sack Spickle-speckled with black, That ombliferous Person of Crete.
There once was a lady of Crete, So enormously broad in the [beam | seat], That one day in the ocean, She caused such commotion, That Admiral Byrd claimed her for [America | ?].
There was a young fellow of Crete, Who picked up a girl of the street. Her cunt was so roomy, He became rather gloomy, So she offered her asshole petite.
There was an old sailor of Crete, Whose peg-legs propelled him quite neat. "Strong liquor," he said, "Never goes to my head, And I know it can't go to my feet."
There was a young lady of Crete, Who dreamed that she danced in the street. Although it did seem A peculiar dream, There was mud on the soles of her feet.
There was a young lady of Crete, Who could piss exceedingly neat. When she got out of bed, She stood on her head, To make sure of not soiling her feet.
A young ballerina from Crete, Offered stagehands all they could eat. When one asked for a ride, She reluctantly sighed, "That would ruin my Nutcracker, Suite."
crew - see slew
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IndexA girl on the Enterprise crew, Refused every offer to screw. But a Vulcan named Spock Crawled under her smock, And now she is eating for two.
[A lady while | An epicure,] dining at Crewe Found an elephant's whang in her stew. Said the waiter, "Don't shout Or waive it about Or the others will all want one too."
Crewe - see two
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IndexThere was a young lady of Crewe Whose cunt was so straight and so true That the navy, when fighting, Could use it for sighting, And at full range could sink a canoe.
A railway official at Crewe Met an engine one day that he knew. Though he nodded and bowed The engine was proud, And it cut him - it cut him in two.
A society climber from Crewe Inquired, 'What on earth shall I do? I of course know what's what But I fear I have not The faintest idea of who's who.'
There was a young lady of Crewe Who wanted to catch the 2.02 Said the porter, 'Don't worry, Or hurry, or scurry, It's a minute or two to 2.02.'
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IndexThere was a young lady of Crewe, Whose cherry a chap had got through, Which she told to her mother Who fixed her another Out of rubber and red ink and glue.
A carpenter living in Crewe Who had nothing whatever to do, Once assisted a whore With the hinge of her door, But he made her pay for the screw.
A limeraiku
There's a man at Crewe Station who buggers muggers So well there's a queue.
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IndexCrewe - See Peru
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IndexThere was a young student of Crewe Who [could count only modulo | learned how to count in base] two. His [work was| sums were] all done With a zero and one, And he found it much simpler to do.
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IndexA railwayman, running from Crewe, Said, "How I regret that so few Lady passengers dream That I'm still full of steam, Or else they'd be forming a queue."
A young engine driver a Crewe, Put his old chewing gum in the flue. A boy standing by Said, "Now I know why The engine says, "Chew-chew-chew-chew!"
There was an old lady of Crewe, Who set up a home in a shoe; There was such a strong pong That she moved to Hong Kong, And now she is doing Kung Fu.
There was a young fellow named Cribbs, Whose cock was so large it had ribs. They were inches apart, And to suck it took art, While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
A famed big-hitter in cricket Slammed his on-drive into a thicket, Where girls tanned in the nude. And no gent would intrude, But long-on was on a good wicket.
A man who was richer than Croesus, Enjoyed being sucked off by feices, 'Till a vicious old hound Thought his stake was ground round, And chewed it completely to pieces.
The king of the jungle just cried When his harem got sick and all died "Oh my Gracious!" cried he "It's a cat-ass-tro-fee And I'm heartsick. What's more I've no pride."
There was a young outlaw who cried, When he hadn't a boy by his side. And as for his moll, She slept with a doll; That's the Ballad of Bonnie and Clyde.
cried - see Chaldees
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IndexA deacon of Tartary-Crim, Whose notions of fucking were grim, Used to get lots of fun Out of stuffing a nun, With the Sign of the Cross on her quim.
Eliminate hospital crime! Per cent cost they bill you a dime. And even worse still The negative thrill "Wake up, Sir. It's sleeping pill time."
crimp - see Louise
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IndexCripps - see Cribbs
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IndexCrockery - see Pitlochry
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IndexThat one-eyed whore, old Sally Crocket[t] Always had cash in her pocket. Though a fuck was quite thrifty, A nifty buck fifty, 'Twas twenty to shoot in her socket.
An ingenious person called Crockett Ascended to fame like a rocket. His Minister (Stickit) Was such a good trick, it Expanded the publisher's pocket.
There was a young man named Crockett, Whose balls got caught in a socket. His wife was a bitch, So she turned the switch, And Crockett went off like a rocket.
There was a young woman of Croft Who played with herself in the loft. Having reasoned that candles Could never cause scandals Besides which they did not go soft.
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IndexSaid [another | a pretty] young [woman | lady] from Croft, [Whilst] amusing herself in the loft, "[A] Salami or wurst Is what I choose first, But with [baloney |] [you | I] know [you've | I've] been boffed"
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IndexThere once was a bride named Croft And the groom had two inches when soft. When she made his dick rise It stayed the same size. Little wonder the bride got pissed-off!
There is a young doctor named Crom, Whom you get very little good from. If his pockets you jog, The inside of a dog Is certain to trickle from Crom.
The sharp-scented Bishop of Cromer Was awarded a special diploma For telling apart A masculine fart From a similar female aroma.
There was an Old Person of Cromer Who stood on one leg to read Homer; When he found he grew stiff, He jumped over the cliff, Which concluded that Person of Cromer
A film star who hailed from Cronulla, Got on board a plane bound for 'Tulla. It was drinks all around, 'Til the plane left the ground, Then he starred in a yawn, technicolor.
There once was a popular crooner Who was anything else but a tuner; But he crooned once too often, Now he's snug in his coffin, And I wish he had landed there sooner.
Croop - see Roop
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IndexSaid the Reverend S. McCord Crothers, My very dear sisters and brothers; We are met, are we not, To hear what I forgot To tell Crothers to tell to the others.
There was a young fellow named Crouch, Who was courting a girl on a couch; She said: 'Why not a sofa?' And he exclaimed: 'Oh, for Christ's sake shut your mouth while I - ouch!'
This old retired sailor named Crouse Spent many nights in a whorehouse. But when he finally turned eighty He said to a matey, "I go there now only to browse!"
crowd - see mourns
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There was an Old Person of Crowle Who lived in the Nest of an Owl; When they screamed in the Nest He screamed out with the rest, That depressing Old Person of Crowle
My name it is Aleister Crowley I'm a master of Magick unholy, Of philtres and pentacles, Covens, conventicles; Of basil, nepenthe, and moly.
For beauty the swan takes the crown: On a river where others would drown, She floats like a dream Eider down or upstream, And what bears her up is her down.
Cried a young whacker off, "I'll be crowned As the champ when the word gets around I've convincingly showed That I'm first with my load! I can beat any jerk, pound for pound!"
A frisky young southpaw from Croyde To his girl said "I'll be quite annoyed If, just as I come You don't suck my right thumb... The left will be elsewhere employed.
There was an old fellow from Croydon, Whose cook was a cute little hoyden. She would sit on his knees While shelling the peas Or pleasanter duties employed on.
There was an old woman of Croydon, To look young she affected the hoyden, And would jump and would skip Till she put out her hip: Alas, poor old woman of Croydon.
crud - see land
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IndexThe limerick's callous and crude, Its morals distressingly lewd; It's not worth the reading By persons of breeding - It's designed for us vulgar and rude.
The Duchess of Drood's lewd and crude, And the men think her terribly rude. When they swim by the docks She tickles their cocks, And laughs when the red tips protrude.
My lim'ricks are getting more crude. To some they may seem downright rude. The cadence, it seems, Is haunting my dreams! Stop me dead before I get lewd!
My lim'ricks are getting more crude. To some they may seem downright rude. The cadence, it seems, Is haunting my dreams! Stop me before I get lewd!
crude - see advice
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IndexTo a newsgroup for rhymers I cruised Whilst the rest of my family snoozed Now it's here I'll deposit The rhymes from my closet In hopes that you'll all be amused.
A frantic young woman named Crumm, Thought her lover too naive and dumb. She gave him no rest, 'Til he straddled her chest, And then she was all over come.
Said an innocent bowler named Crumm, While massaging his fiancee's bum, "My fingers, I know, Are where they should go, But what has become of my thumb?"
'Twas the whimsy of a fellow named Crump To package and peddle his dump. But the odor o'er-fetid Made sales rather tepid, And his business went into a slump.
There was a young lady named Cruller, Whose sex life got duller and duller, Till she sampled the nectar Of Hector's erector, In stereo, three-D, and color!
The wife of a chronic crusader, Took on every man who waylaid her. 'Till the amorous itch Of this popular bitch, So annoyed the crusader, he spayed her.
At his wedding, a bridegroom named Crusoe, Was embarrassed to find his prick grew so. His eager young bride, Pulled him quickly astride, And was screwed while still wearing her trousseau.
A fanatic gun-lover named Crust Was perverse to the point of disgust: His idea of a peach Had a sixteen-inch breech And a pearl-handled .44 bust.
A crusading lady named Cruze, Was highly advanced in her views. She once in a zoo, Liberated a gnu, And was lavishly praised by the News.
Daily Ditty 149 Thursday, 13 Novenber 1997
He frustrates her 'till she could cry Because he continues to ply Her with exotic dishes When all that she wishes: A simple box lunch at the Y
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IndexDespite Betty Friedan's fierce cry, There are some rights we men must deny. Think you'll allow, sirs, That feminine trousers, Need not be equipped with a fly.
C's - see 44D's
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IndexA musician fleeing from Cuba, To start a new life in Aruba, Packed most of it all, But the bag was too small. He couldn't quite fit in his tuba.
Cue - see Kew
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IndexThat beautiful lady, Culard, Said, "Men can earn all our regard. My man has a cock As hard as a rock, And in length, it is almost a yard!"
That lovely young lady, Culard, Met a man who prick measured a yard. Although he was black She would lie on her back As long as nine inches were hard.
cult - see jest
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IndexA professor of Ethical Culture Once said to his class: ''Twould insult your Intelligence if I said I got stiff For anything less that a vulture.'
There was a young lady whose cunt Could accommodate a small punt. Her mother said, 'Annie It matches your fanny, Which never was that of a runt.'
We dedicate this to the cunt, The kind the broad-minded guys hunt. All hail to the twat, Willing, thrilling, and hot, That wears peckers down, limp and blunt.
There was a young lady whose cunt Was not placed exactly in front. If you wanted to ride, You approached from the side, Which, it must be allowed, is a stunt.
cunt - see prick
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IndexThere's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. When one pireg is shot, There's that alternate twat, But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
An idolater coveting cunts, One Sabbath cursed God with rude grunts, Humped his mom, stole a knife, Blaming dad, took her life, Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, To get her poor daughter a dress. But when she got there, The cupboard was bare, And so was her daughter, I guess!
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor a bone but when she bent over rover took over and gave her a bone of his own
There was a Perpetual Curate, Whose language was hypersulphurate; While, as for his thinking, It was not merely stinking, But perfectly foul and suppurate.
Because of graffiti, a curfew, And soon the proud "authors" refer to The curfew - A breech Of freedom of speech. They curfew graffiti to "furc you."
Said Isolde to Tristan: 'How curious! Old Mark is becoming quite furious. Since we got off that boat, It's been all Liebestod. Is it possible Wagner is spurious?'
Their starship's called "Dangerous Curls" And it's crew is entirely girls. Their job's to hunt monsters That have alien sponsors, But their hobby's muff diving for pearls.
curls - see chums
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IndexAIDS like a biblical curse, Is getting progressively worse. The cause? Lack of soap, Assholes into dope, And (pardon the pun) the reverse.
A lady born under a curse Used to drive forth each day in a hearse. From the back she would wail Through a thickness of veil: "Things do not get better, but worse."
Daily Ditty 135 Thursday, 30 October, 1997
"Damn! Why are you naked?" he cursed "For my birthday - it's my sixty-first - I thought I'd look cute In a real birthday suit." "Well, next time, please iron it first!"
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IndexA guy became really a curser When his chef burned his food, but much worser, He took the chef's life, Catching him down on his wife. "You've fucked up my eating and vice-versa!"
There was a young lady curvacious Who engendered thoughts salacious When she was with her beau His member did grow Causing her to exclaim "Good Gracious!"
Dear Arthur: You're throwing a curve. You're hitting a sensitive nerve. Your choice of "Dear John," Has made me forlorn Remembering that awful, "Dear Irv."
What led to the crassness of Custer, With hardly a unit to muster? At the little Big Horn, Sitting Bull gave a yawn, And said: 'You're a sitting duck, buster!'
Said Mendel, "Genetics are cute, And I've just created a beaut, I put a frog in a sack With a political hack, And got me a Newt in a suit".
Mrs. Gingrich's baby was cute. "I know," she said, "let's call him Newt." Back then, just a leaker, But now he's The Speaker. Must he always wear the same suit?
A cute secretary, none cuter, Was replace by a clicking computer. 'Twas the wife of the boss Put this deal across, You see, the computer was neuter.
There was an old harlot named Cushing, Her trade for long years she kept pushing. She had so many scrapes With all manner of apes, That she needed a pussy rebushing.
Daily Ditty 136 Friday, 31 October, 1997
TRICK OR TREAT
A bunny just left, a real cutey Now another thing comes seeking booty Red fire in its eyes ... Dripping fangs of great size ... Quick, Igor! A stake! Do your duty!
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IndexMathematicians rumble and cuss About languages like C++. The semantics are clear To all programmers here: The compiler decides it for us.
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Index"You may think me a bit of a cynic," Wheezed a crafty old geezer name Minnick To a gal of the night, "But you don't look just right, And I'd hate to end up in a clinick!"
There once was a young [man | fairy] named Cyril Who was had in a wood by a squirrel, And he liked it so good That he stayed in the wood Just as long as the squirrel stayed virile.
A girl with a sebaceous cyst, Always came when her asshole was kissed. Her lover was gratified That she was so satisfied, But regretted the fun that he missed.
The nephew of one of the czars Used to [suck on Rasputin at Yars | blow the Imperial tars], 'Til the [peasants | sailors] revolted, The royal family bolted - Now they're under the sickle and stars.
On an outing with seventeen Czechs, A girl tourist supplied the free sex. She returned from the jaunt Feeling more or less gaunt, But the Czechs were all absolute wrecks.
Then said the King of the Czechs: "I, too, have a problem in sex. The men of my nation Prefer masturbation, My women are physical wrecks." Then arose King Alphonso of Spain, A monarch both haughty and vain: "When a woman comes nigh, I take Spanish fly, And I jazz her again and again!" Then said Prince Charles of Wales: "I know what marriage entails, So I don't want a girl But a jolly young Earl, To solace my passion for males." Next spoke the venerable Pope: "In my youth I learned how to grope. Now, though old and infirm, I still seek the worm That hides 'neath the chorister's cope. Then said the Prince Palatine: "Of course, fornication is fine, But I entertain 'em Per os et per anum, A sport I consider divine!" Then spoke the headmaster of Rugger, A most accomplished old bugger: "I spend half each night With a smooth catamite. My wife? I don't even hug her. Then spoke the Sultan himself, A monarch of great power and pelf: "I take thirty whores And lock all the doors, And proceed to enjoy myself." Then spoke up an old Maharajah: "When I get a new wife I dodge her, And so tease her a bit If she's too tight a fit, Till someone has made her hole larger." Then spoke the Grand Duke of Lorraine: "Your worries give me a pain. I don't worry at all, But retire to my hall And beget new blacks for my train." An Episcopal Bishop coadjutor Proclaimed that he like persons neuter: "For so long as they're tender, The question of gender Is a relative one to a fruiter." Then they questioned the King of the Cannibals, If 'twere true that he did it with animals? "Oh, I boast of the same, For to say to your shame That they have far superior genitals. And they asked the Nippon Mikado, A monarch well [pinned schooled] in bravado, If the men of his land Ever did it by hand, To which he replied, "Oh my God no!" Then they paused while the Persian Shah Tried to settle a bet with the czar, That the tip of his tool Was much the less cool - But neither could reach quite that far. Then up spoke the Shah of Iran: "All women from court we must ban. They haven't the clutch Or the velvety touch Of the orotund arsehole of man!"
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