'B' - see Wayne
Links:
IndexThere once was a Vassar B.A. Who pondered the problem all day, Of what there would be If C-U-N-T Were divided by C-O-C-K. A young Ph.D. passing by, She gave him the problem to try. He worked the division With perfect precision, And the answer was B-A-B-Y.
Two biologists, Hansen and Babbit, Crossed a camel one time with a rabbit. The offspring was jumpy, And frightfully humpy, And had a lascivious habit.
There was a young fellow named Babbit Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, But a girl from Johore Could do it twice more, Which was just enough extra to crab it.
A lecherous fellow named Babbitt Asked a girl if she'd fuck it or nab it. Said she, "From long habit I fuck like a rabbit, So I'd rather cohabit than grab it."
There once was a breathy baboon Who [always breathed down a | Consistently blew the] bassoon, "For," he said, "It appears That in billions of years I shall certainly hit on a tune."
There once was a sacred baboon That lived by the river Rangoon, And all of the women That came to go swimmin' He'd bang by the light of the moon.
A certain young lady of Babylon, Decided to lure all the rabble on, By raising her shirt And dropping her skirt, Exposing a market to dabble on.
An elderly scholar of Bach, Used to write on the board with his cock. His member he'd stroke, While he lectured Baroque, And his dick was so old, he came chalk.
Johann Sebastian Bach Was blessed with an oversized wit. His concert complete He would beat on his harpsicord While carressing his mistress' schnauzer.
The girls can now have me back, With all of my hardness intact. Their tongues are stupendous, And lips so tremendous, My vision is fading to black.
Luetic Lament
There was a young man of Back Bay, Who thought syphilis just went away, And felt that a chancre Was merely a canker Acquired in lascivious play. Now first he got acne vulgaris, The kind that is rampant in Paris. It covered his skin From forehead to shin, And now people asked where his hair is. With symptoms increasing in number, His aorta's in need of a plumber, His heart is cavorting, His wife is aborting, And now he's acquired a gumma. Consider his terrible plight - His eyes won't react to the light, His hands are apraxic, His gait is ataxic, He's developing gun-barrel sight. His passions are strong as before, But his penis is flaccid and sore. His wife now has tabes And sabre-shinned babies - She's really worse off than a whore. There are pains in his belly and knees, His sphincters have gone by degrees, Paroxysmal incontinence With all its concomitants, Brings on quite unpredictable pees. Though treated in every known way, His spirochetes grow day by day. He's developed paresis, Converses with Jesus, And thinks he's the Queen of the May.
Back Bay - see Bombay
Links:
IndexA young man from Ward said, "Too bad, There's nothing in sight but a lad. I'll just have to retrench, On this yen for a wench, But it does make me feel like a cad."
My family tree's a grab bag. If I told you you'd probably gag. The brigands and whores Who came to these shores Prevent me from trying to brag.
There was a young man of Bagdad, Who was dreaming that he was a shad. He dreamt he was spawning, And then, the next morning, He found that, by Jesus, he had!
A wealthy young man of Bagdad Has morals excessively bad: He keep seven Circassians As a vent for his passions, And on Sundays, he buggers a lad.
There once was a boy of Baghdad, An inquisitive sort of a lad, Who said, "I will see If a sting has a bee." Call the doctor! (He found that it had.)
There was a young girl from Baghdad Whose mother found out she'd been had. When asked by her mother, "My dear, who's you're lover?" She said, "Why, mother ... your brother ... my Dad."
Links:
IndexWhen the Duchess of Bagliofuente Took her fourteenth cavaliere servente, The Duke said, 'Old chappy, I'll keep that quim happy If I have to hire nineteen or twenty.'
A fellow from Nassau, Bahamas, Was an actor in sexual dramas. He'd grab at a skirt And jab till it hurt, After poking it through her pajamas.
Bahamas - see Venus
Links:
IndexThere was a young girl of Bahari, Who was chased on a night that was starry; She was chased, so she raced, Tore her gown in her haste, And cried: 'I really must go - sew sari!'
There was a young girl from Baier, Whose hemlines got higher and higher. But the size of her thighs, Provoked only surprise And extinguished the flames of desire.
There was an old gossip called Baird, Who said: 'What I could say if I dared - I will say it, in fact, Though I die in the act.' So she did, and nobody cared.
There were two brothers named Baird, Who thought all things should be shared. With tits, which are two, Their arrangement would do, But with cunts, which is one, 'twas absurd.
A wee Scottish lass called Miss Baird, Was seduced by the son of the laird. With some crude hanky panky, Above Killiecrankie; She feared, but she dared, and she bared.
A businesslike lady once baited The door of her flat with X-rated Interior views, And, in neon, 'FREE BOOZE'. Then stretched out on a bearskin and waited.
There was a young fellow named Baker, Who seduced a vivacious young Quaker. And when he had done it, She straightened her bonnet, And said: 'I give thanks to my Maker.'
There once was a woman named Baker, A thoughtful and pious young Quaker. She's terrifically stacked But the tragical fact, Is that none of the fellows can make 'er.
There was a young damsel named Baker, Who was poked in a pew by a quaker. He yelled, 'My God, What Do you call this, a twat? Why the entrance is more than an acre!'
She's a master of all bakery A menace to non-gluttony When she makes a small pie For such gourmands as I This is art with a capital T.
Links:
IndexThere was an old man of Balbriggan, Who, cunt juice was frequently swigging. But even to this He preferred tomcat piss, And he kept a poxed nigger to frig in.
A young man who lived in Balbriggan, Went to sea to recover from frigging. But after a week As they climbed the fore-peak, He buggered the mate in the rigging.
There was a young man of Ballbriggan, Who was fearfully given to frigging. 'Till these nocturnal frolics Played hell with his bollocks, And killed the young man of Ballbriggan
A town girl spread sex by the bale, Specializing in students from Yale. They spent gala nights Sampling her nude delights, Which kept half of Yale mighty pale.
When the session begins, Mr. Balfour, Your pals must be sorry their pal for: No golf and no Souls No nothing but Bowles, Which is such a dull game, Mr Balfour.
'I would doubt,' said the Bishop of Balham, 'If Tennyson ever had Hallam. Such things are best hid. Let's hope that he did. De mortuis nil nisi malum.'
A reformer who went out to Bali, To change the sartorial folly Of the girls, now admits, "A good pair of tits In season, can seem rather jolly."
A girl from Shanghai had a ball, With the whole Eighth Army last fall. She was screwed, with a smile, Seven times every mile, The full length of the Chinese Great Wall.
It's my own fault I have just one ball. And it's lucky I have one at all. In the place I was sittin' I shouldn't have written, My phone number up on that wall.
Hitler has only got one ball. Goering has two, but very small. Himmler Has something sim'lar But poor old Goebels has no balls at all.
Links:
IndexDaily Ditty 113 Wednesday, 8 October 1997
Cinderella was queen of the the ball And she started a real Royal Brawl When at midnight's last stroke The magic spell broke: There she stood wearing nothing at all!
Links:
IndexA lassie from wee Ballachulish Observed, 'Och, virginity's foolish; When a lad makes a try, To say ocht but "Aye!' Is stubborn, pig-hieded, and mulish.'
Three bright little boys from the ballet, Had a lovely night out at the Palais. But the end of their day, I am sorry to say, Was spent with three Burghers from Calais.
Tchaikovski wrote music balletic For men who were live and athletic. One said 'Your 4th's fine And your 5th quite divine But your 6th I find frankly pathetic.
The widow of Ballinalickey, Was married eight times and was tricky. When she led without falter Young Mike to the altar, They sang "Him" Number Nine for poor Mickey
An old man of fair Ballinrock, Made black pudding of chocolate and rock, Manure and rope, Prussic acid and soap, Wrapped up in an old army sock.
Said young Rex in his hot-air balloon, "I shall see all the stars very soon." Rex was right, for he dropped, And he saw when he stopped, Three million bright stars and a moon.
There was an old man with brass balls Who wore some old overalls. He'd shimmmey and shake And the sound they would make Was really disturbing to all.
A bather in Lake Ballyclear Had a bust that would burst a brassière; She had a round face And was plump everyplace, Except for her flat-chested rear.
ballyhoo - see it
Links:
IndexA colleen for fair Ballycrotty, Loved men of all colors, 'twas dotty. But her children's a sight, Every heart to delight, For they're black, brown, green-striped and spotty.
There was a young girl from Balmoral Whose habits were highly immoral. For the price of a dime She took three at a time: One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
A linguist at old Balmoral Lay down one day on his Laurel. He said at the end: "Better gargle, dear friend, You've just passed your middle French oral."
A girl who went to Balwearie Thought her life dull, boring and dreary So she went bungie jumping But took quite a bumping And her vision went a bit bleary.
Bambetta - see Gambetta
Links:
IndexA sailor boy, tall and banal, Met up with a femme fatale. Though he tried every ruse She denied him her mews - She preferred a menage a cheval.
Said one of the Boys in the Band: "I never have done it by hand." Spurred by contumely, Laughling most gloomily, He added, "I hear that it's grand."
There was a young lady of Bandon, Whose feet were too narrow to stand on; So she stood on her head, 'For my motto,' she said, 'Has always been Nil desperandum.'
A eunuch frequenting Bangkok, Used to borrow the deified jock, From a local rain-god, When he went for a prod. You could hear the girl yell for a block.
A shepherd who came from Bangkok, Used to dabble in watered-down stock. His peculiar perversion Was total immersion Till he drowned all the sheep in his flock.
Bangkok - see Lock
Links:
IndexA preacher who lived in Bangkok Had an adjustable cock. This remarkable feature Enabled this preacher To satisfy all of his flock.
Bangkor - see anchor
Links:
IndexA young ghost from old Bangladesh, Went out with a girl and got fresh. Said she, "I don't mind High spirits, you'll find, But I won't have you come in the flesh."
A daring young fellow in Bangor Sneaked a super-swift jet from its hangar. When he crashed in the bay, Neighbours laid him away In rather more sorrow than anger.
There was an Old Person of Bangor, Whose face was distorted with anger! He tore off his boots, And subsisted on roots, That irascible Person of Bangor.
Bangor - see Banker
Links:
IndexThere was a young pilot from Bangor, Who locked eighteen girls in his hangar, Where he treated them wrong And kept them so long, The countryside rose up in anger.
There was a young man from Bangore Who was tired and said to his whore, 'If you'll only roll over I'll get my dog, Rover, And you can have six inches more.'
Bangore - see Lahore
Links:
IndexThere was a young lady named [Banker | Bangor], Who slept while her ship lay at anchor. She awoke in dismay When she heard the mate say: "Hi! Hoist up the top-sheet and spanker!"
Links:
Indexbanker, see anchor
Links:
IndexThere was an old salt on the Banks, Who said to a mermaid, "No thanks. The last time I tried Those scales took my hide Clear off from my crotch to my shanks."
Though sport a la Portnoy was banned, The boys at the school thought it grand. When asked if they tried To abstain, they replied, "It's a problem we've got well in hand."
A woman from southern Banquillo Calls her husband an old armadillo: His prick is so rough, And his manner so bluff, When he's finished, she hardly can pee-o!
There was a Young Person of Bantry, Who frequently slept in the pantry; When disturbed by the mice, She appeased them with rice, That judicious Young Person of Bantry.
There once was a lady in Bantry Who kept her false teeth in the pantry All covered in jam and sunk in a ham Hung up by a string from a gantry
There was an Old Person of Bar, Who passed all her life in a Jar, Which she painted pea-green, To appear more serene, That placid Old Person of Bar
Over beer in a dimly lit bar, I was puffing a ten-cent cigar, When a girl of a sort Said, "You look like a sport." And my wife in the shadows said "Har!"
In the back room of Frogsnipper's Bar, Calmly puffing a two-bit cigar, The owner was browned, With his chin on the ground, By a lad with a lavender car.
He met her at a local bar He took her home - it wasn't far He gave her some gin And said with a grin My "hotrod" isn't a car!
An old Indian Chief Bunning B'ar, At making it rain was a star; Asked: 'How do you do it?' He said: 'Nothing to it: To make rain, me just washum car.'
The movie star queen Theda Bara, Was born in the desert Sahara. It was, was it not, The Oasis of Twat? And what, might we ask, could be fairer?
There's a certain young woman named Barb, Who at casual sex is a darb. But put her to the test, And you'll find she's her best, When completely divested of garb.
Barb - see call
Links:
IndexC'era un vecchio dal mento barbuto Che disse: 'L'ho sempre temuto! Due gufi e un pollastrello, Quattro allodole e un fringuello Han fatto il nido nel mio mento barbuto!'
Links:
IndexIn the speech of his time, did the Bard, Refer to his [prick | dong] as his 'yard', But sigh no more, madam, 'Twas no longer than Adam's, Or mine, and not one half so hard.
There's a standout young swimmer named Bard With a style he's been told to discard. His backstroke's the topic: He swims periscopic, And competes, say officials, too hard.
Barden - see Arden
Links:
IndexI opened the door; the fridge was bare. There just wasn't any food in there. No corn, no peas, No macaroni and cheese, I'll have to go out, but I don't know where.
bare - see grayed
Links:
IndexBefore Clarence could date with Miss Barents, He requested consent from her parents. So the clearence he got And he got in her slot, But the clearence was too much for Clarence.
There was an old man in a barge, Whose nose was exceedingly large, But in fishing at night, It supported a light, Which helped that old man in a barge!
There was an old lady of Barking Thought life and its care were too carking. She could not approve Of the way events move, And frowned up laughing and larking.
There was a young [girl from the | lady of [Barking | East | West | Wokingham]] Creek, Who had her [periods | monthlies] twice [every | a] week; ["How very provoking." | Said Mary of [Woking | Hoboken]] [Said the Vicar from Woking, |"But how provoking,] ["There's no time for | No] poking, so to speak."
There was an Old Person of Barnes, Whose Garments were covered with Darns; But they said, "Without doubt, You will soon wear them out, You luminous Person of Barnes!"
There was a young fellow named Barney, Who wanted to visit Killarney. He was told the colleens there Were screwing-machines there, But he found that was Irishmen's blarney.
Said a ruined old roué of Barnstable, "I believe it entirely demonstrable That no matter how shaped, Any girl can be raped, Provided you deal with a constable."
Baroda - see Rhoda
Links:
IndexBaroda - see Swoboda
Links:
IndexThere once was a haughty old Baronet, With a prick twice as long as a clarinet. If the thing ever dangled, 'Twould be stepped on and mangled, So he kept it tucked inside a hairy-net.
Baroque - see Paganini
Links:
IndexAn equestrian starlet named Barr Said, "My act's made me, sexwise, bizarre! Since my two bareback steeds Move at different speeds, I've been stretching a good thing too far!"
There was an old lady named Barr, Defiled by six men in a car. They were hellbent on rape And she could not escape, So she stayed and outfucked them by far.
A girl undertaker named Barr, Carried her independence to far. When business was laggin', She took her long wagon, And started up Hearse rent-a-car.
Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, Has inventted a new kind of car. With a tank full of shit There's no stopping it-- For short trips, two poots take you far.
A hopeful young lady of Sukker Barrage, Possessed a big swelling she hoped would assuage. On her way to the train, She was caught in the rain - Oh, what a sad tale of hopeless Miss Carriage!
When a girl, young Elizabeth Barrett, Was found by her ma in a garret. She had shoved up a diamond As far as her hymen, And was ramming it home with a carrot.
Through the window a spinster named Barrett Observed a lad beating his carrot. So she yelled, with arms crossed, "This is Love's Labor Lost! Why don't you come in and we'll share it."
To a bereaved widow of Barrientos, Her marital divertimentos Are so sentimental - Even things contraceptal, That old fishskins are dearest mementos.
There was a young fellow of Barrow, Whose whang-bone was lacking in marrow. To accomplish a rape, He wound it in tape, And feathered the shaft like an arrow.
It's not sinful to hit a few bars And to drink beer 'til the pre-dawn hours, But he lurched to his bed With sheer lust in his head. Now meeting a new gal he cowers.
A teenager ate chocolate bars - As many, almost, as the stars. The subsequent swelling Sent people rapelling And scaling his deep facial scars.
There was a young fellow named Bart Who strained every shit through a fart. Each tip-tapered turd Was the very last word In this deft and most intricate art.
UNPOPULAR
A Brit clavecin tinkler named Bart Thought he'd mastered all Couperin's art. But engagements were few Because colleagues who knew Him described the poor guy as a fart.
Sir Reginald Barrington Bart. Went to the masked ball as a fart. He had painted his face Like a more private place, And his voice made the dowagers start.
NOW THAT SPRING TRAINING IS HERE
A major league rookie named Bart Is determined to have a good start. He's learned how to hit Chew tobacco and spit And he knows all the bases by heart.
There once was a man named Big Bart. When screwin', took a long time to start. Since it took so much blood To erect his big stud, He'd go faint and miss the best part.
There was a young schoolboy named Bart Who silently squeezed out a fart The smell of his gas Filled the entire Math class Then drifted to Music and Art.
Bartok - see Lock
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IndexA flatulent bowler named Bartz Distracted his team with his farts They sewed up his colon Which perked up his bowlin' But was rough on his innermost parts
Though I love John, the truth is he's base, And within him there isn't a trace Of rational quality, Or decent morality, Then too, that ridiculous face.
Links:
IndexThere was an Old Person of Basing, Whose presence of mind was amazing; He purchased a steed, Which he rode at full speed, And escaped from the people of Basing.
Links:
IndexBasle - see Rose
Links:
IndexQuite lewdly, a sailor named Bass Made pregnant a victimized lass. When the girl produced quints, They were taken as hints That Bass had made semen first class.
There was a musician named Bass, Who played the trombone with his ass. He put in a trap To take out the crap, But the vapors corroded the brass.
I play harp and can figure a bass, And, with luck, add some style and some grace. But I'd like to ken more Than what's writ in the score. I'd study, if I knew a good place. Can someone suggest a good book. At which it would profit to look? Something clear, not too dear, Something I need not fear, Would submerge me in exotic gook. I've continuo books now, galore. What I'm looking for now's something more In the harmony line - Just the basics, that's fine, But, please, 17th c., at the core.
At an opera performance, the bass, Much to his despair and disgrace, Farted with violence In a moment of siolence, And a rosy blush flushed every face.
A loquacious cocksucker named Bassett Had mastered his art in each facet. He delighted to rave Of the pleasure it gave, But was happiest when he was tacit.
They asked the young man on bassoon If his cold would be clearing up soon. He said 'When you suppose That I'm blowing my nose I am actually playing a tune.'
A musician who played the bassoon Complained sex sprees ended too soon. He got busy in Mary One cold January, But gave out the nineteenth of June.
Daily Ditty 84 Tuesday, 9 September 1997
I'm a mean, nasty, bad-talkin' bastard It's a life-style I've thoroughly mastered But I have to confess That the ol' IRS Has me beat even when I am plastered.
Links:
IndexThe penis of long-peckered Baste, He keeps neatly coiled 'round his waist. When a girl shows affection, He uncoils in erection, And she's knocked galley-west by his haste!
There was a young man from Batasse, Who met a most marvelous lass. But alas! She was crass, And she sported an ass With a mass to surpass Mama Cass.
There was a young girl of Bavaria, Who thought her disease was malaria. But the family doc Remarked, to her shock, "It is in the mercurial area."
Bavaria - see Bulgaria
Links:
IndexAn indefatigable woman name Bavel Had often occasion to travel. On the way she would sit And furiously knit, And on the way back she'd unravel.
There was a young man from Green Bay, Who awoke with a sense of dismay, To find in his bed, A girl who had read All of Edna St. Vincent Millay.
A hippo from Chesapeake Bay. Decided to take up ballet. So she stood on her toes, And said, "Okay, here goes!" She made a big splash on Broadway.
Bay - see Back Bay
Links:
IndexThere was a young lady of Baylor Who fell madly in love with a sailor. Since they met at a dance, He was forced to wear pants, And he had to turn sideways to nail her.
[There was a young sailor | A Russian sword-dancer] named Bates Who did the fandango on skates. He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him [nutless | buttless] And practically useless on dates.
There was a young lady named Bates, Who was cursed from birth by the Fates. She wished that she could, And feared that she would, And that was the end of her dates.
There was a young fairy named Bates, Who took out young fellows on dates. With his hands on their hips He applied his hot lips, To their phalluses, testes, and nates.
Bates - see chums
Links:
IndexThere was an old woman of Bath, And she was as thin as a lath; She was brown as a berry, With a nose like a cherry, This skinny old woman of Bath.
There is an old fellow from Bath, Who never walks straight down a path. You would probably think He had too much to drink, But it's only a way that he hath.
There was a programmer in Bath, Who gave up formal methods in wrath. "I swear that I knew What my programs should do, But you can't write a 'goto' in math."
Links:
IndexThere was a young girl from Batonger, [Used to diddle | Who was jazzing] herself with a conger. When asked how it feels, To be pleasured by eels, She replied, "Like a man, only longer."
A buxom young typist named Baynes At her work took particular pains. She was good at dictation And long explanations, But she ran more to bosom than brains.
Bayonne - see Sloan
Links:
IndexThere was a young man from Bay Head, Who took a young lady to bed. He hoped she would kiss, Climax him to bliss; She read an old Playboy instead.
There's a tiresome young man from Bay Shore; When his fiancée cried, 'I adore The beautiful sea!' He replied, 'I agree It's pretty. But what is it for?'
'The perpetual overdraft is bad for the community as a whole' - Speech by a Banker
Since my overdraft threatens to be Detrimental to sound industry, I surrender all claim That it stands in my name, Mr Banker, I trust you'll agree.
If Abel and Cain were to be Asked about their genealogy "It began" they would say, "In the garden the day That apple was plucked from the tree." OR If Abel and Cain were to be Asked about their genealogy "It began," they would say, "With a bit of foreplay 'Neath the shade of the old apple tree."
On Pitcairn Isle let me be. My hobby is The Mutiny . . . - The Bounty, Fletcher, Bligh. The other reason why - Folks say that Gable looks like me.
What could an emmenagogue be? The word doesn't mean shit to me. Might be an emir In need of a beer, Or men quite agog at an "E".
One part of a Health Plan should be
A humane apothecary.
One dollar a pill
A budget can kill
I'm speaking generically
And also for AARPA
While warning the NYSE
And if it's not ASAP
Dear HILLARY C.:
If you do not RSVP,
I'm telling the NYPD
(That's Sipowicz, Kelly and me.)
[Your editor's NOTE-
rejected in-i-ti-al-ly]
On Health Plans my first choice would be The plan that outlaws the TV - Those needles they stick To make you more sick With sleep coming haphazardly.
To whomever you happen to be: No Christmas card this year from me! I choose not to send 'em; That's my new addendum! Scratch my name off your list? Please feel free!
Links:
Indexbe - see tonight
Links:
Indexbe - see NG
Links:
IndexAn unhappy haute-contre, Beady, Didn't care when his newest CD Got a 10 from the press. He thought life was a mess, 'Cause his penis was only a three.
One day as I slept on the beach, Up onto my balls crawled a leech. When I lay with my bride, The leech got inside - But she didn't fuss; she's a peach.
I forgot that K worked at the beach! A lesson I'll need to be teached! We'll hook up somehow, For now I'll say ciao, You know where I just might be reached.
There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield Engaged to look after the deacon's field, But he lurked in the ditches And diddled the bitches Who happend to cross that antique 'un's field.
A modest young lady named Beal, Once protected herself with great zeal, But when she'd been wedded, The thing that she dreaded, Was a boon of enormous appeal.
There's an orchestra playing in Beale Whose conductor is far from ideal. To conclude a sonata, He starts the fermata, Then leaves for a seven-course meal.
A slow-footed stockman called Beales [Slipped up | Fell down,] with a bull at his heels; When trying to rise, He got quite a surprise, Learning something of what a cow feels.
"Playing topless", says softball coach Beam, "Wins a girls club both fans and esteem. They're the Baltimore Quails, But some pun-loving males Like to call them 'the aurioles' team."
If you feel that you're right on your beam-ends, And your gait is more rolling that seamen's, And if camels in helmets March over the pelmets, You've a touch of delerium tremens.
Dependence on meals of dried beans Gave white men both motive and means - With flames near their asses While warriors made passes, They torched them to red smithereens!
The NRA says he can bear Any weapon he chooses, so there! If this eight-year old brute Meets the wrong gang, he'll shoot - For he knows he's too young for the chair.
There was a young biker named "Bear" Who pants got too small to wear. He looked at his middle, While doing a diddle, And said, "I have belly to spare."
There once was a man named Great Bear, Who had one, only one, pubic hair. Though his friends all made fun, He said, "Wait! I'm not done!" The next day, 'twas a jungle in there.
There was an Old Man with a beard, Who said, 'It is just as I feared! - Two Owls and a Hen, Four Larks and a Wren, Have all built their nests in my beard!"
Links:
IndexThere was a rude man with a beard, Whose behavior was terribly weird. Though he'd screw a long list Of girls in the mist, He'd be gone by the time it had cleared.
There was an Old man with a beard, Who sat on a horse when [it | he] reared; But they said, 'Never mind! You will fall off behind, You propitious Old Man with a beard!'
There was an Old Man with a Beard, Who said: 'I demand to be feared. Address Me as God, And love Me, you sod!' And Man did just that, which is weird.
There was a lean man with a beard, Who had an experience weird. In South Carolina, He fell in a vagina, Screamed, struggled, and then disappeared.
There once was a dirty old beast Who, when asked to confess by the priest Said "Bugger religion, Let's look at your pigeon" And gave him two inches at least.
The mounted cop on the beat, With his horse, tried to be discreet, But his horse couldn't stop it, He just had to drop it, Upon that odoriferous street.
Said a constable stern, on his beat, To a couple more fond than discreet: "Though a Miss miss a kiss, Give the next kiss a 'miss', For a kiss is amiss in the street."
THE PHILOSOPHY DEPARTMENT:
Here common sense takes quite a beating and logic's a victim of cheating: The pudding, no kiddin', is not where the proof's hidden - the testing must lie in the eating.
A young lady who once had a Jew beau Found out soon that he'd got a bubo, So when it was ripe She put in a pipe, And sucked up the juice through a tube oh!
Queen Elizabeth's amorous beau. In order his love for to show, He stood on one leg, Guzzled down half a keg, And wrote "God Save The Queen" in the snow.
Two eager and dashing young beaus, Were held up and robbed of their clothes. While the weather is hot, They don't mind it a lot, But what will they do when it snows?
In a letter, a widow from Beaulieu Wrote: Sir, I don't worry undeaulieu That it may be thought That my sex drive is nought What it was. I remain, Sir, Yours treaulieu
There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu Who's often been screwed by yours truly, But now - it's appallin' - My balls always fall in! I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
There was a professor of Beaulieu, Who said mind was matter or nlh This contempt for the eidoz Though common in Cnidos Disturbed the New Forest unduly.
There was a young fellow of Beaulieu, Who loved a fair maiden most treaulieu. Said he, "Wilt thou be mine?" When she didn't decline, The wedding was solemnized deaulieu.
Her little sweet pussy's a beaut; Her ass is equally cute! Her tits are the best; She gives head with zest, And her brain is equally astute.
Young Frederick the Great was a beaut. To a guard, he cried, "Hey man, your cute. If you'll come to my palace, I'll finger your phallus, And then I shall blow on your flute."
Our neighborhood whore is no beauty. But we're not the sort to be snooty. We favor a lass With a good country ass, And a proper devotion to duty.
There once was a Duchess of Beaver, Who slept with her golden retriever. Said the choleric Duke, "These girls make me puke - And but for the dog I would leave her."
A fellow who tries to becalm, His lust with a fistful of balm, Seems to share the same fate, As a guy from Kuwait, With no dates who returns to the palm.
There once was this woman name Becker. Whose boyfriend propositioned to deck-her! Upon seeing his huge pole, She immediately extolled, "Would you settle for a fast game of checkers?"
Bective - see detective
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IndexDid Ophelia ask Hamlet to bed? Was Gertrude incestuously wed? Is there anything certain? By the fall of the curtain Almost everyone's certainly dead.
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IndexA Fat-tailed Dwarf Lemur, in bed With the father of hangovers, said: 'My very large rudder Makes most females shudder, And now I've acquired a fat head.'
She said "Get your ass back in bed! I want it hard, not soft instead." With her mouth she went 'round, Then up and back down. You know, she gives excellent head!
From the moment I got out of bed I rhymed everything that I said I know it a crime I wasted my time I should have been working instead.
A young man awake in his bed, Had lewd thoughts bizarre in his head. "If I can't make it normal, I'll make it all formal, And express the whole damn thing in Z."
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IndexA functional programmer in bed Regarded I/O with great dread. 'Use monads', you say - But I think, 'No way. They make steam come out of my head.'
Daily Ditty 110 Sunday, 5 October 1997
Growled Pa Bear, "Someone's been in my bed!" "And mine," Ma said, "Look at that spread!" Baby Bear,most polite, Gently put out the light, "Nighty-night, folks," was all that he said. Your limericks, John, are so subtly fine, I relish each and every line. Your rhyming is nice, It's worth reading twice, And, I wish all your ideas were mine!
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Indexbed - see November
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Indexbed - see Zeus
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Indexbedsprings - see explicit
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Index"I've been told of the bird and the bee," Said a sweet little Rose of Trallee. "Their ways are so strange, I could never arrange, To let anyone try it with me."
There once was a veep at a bee, Full of children one year past grade three. But the children all knew Not to trust you-know-who, Because he spelled potato "OE".
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Indexbee - see tit
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Indexbee - see tree
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IndexA certain young chap named Bill Beebee, Was in love with a lady named Phoebe. 'But,' said he, 'I must see What the clerical fee Be before Phoebe be [Phoebe | B.] Beebee.'
A pretty young teacher named Beecham, Said, "These awful boys! How shall I teach 'em. I try to look grave, But they will not behave, Though with tears in my eyes, I beseech 'em."
Said a certain curmudgeon named Beecham, "The ladies? Be certain I'll teach 'em, To do as I please; And if too far to seize, Never fear. I've a part that will reach 'em."
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher Called a hen a most elegant creature The hen, pleased with that, Laid an egg in his hat, And thus did the hen reward Beecher
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IndexThe Reverend Henry Ward Beecher, Called a girl a most elegant creature. So she laid on her back And, exposing her crack, Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
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IndexThere once was a woman named Beecher. Overeating, became a fat creature. Her husband was forced To get a divorce, 'Cause his pecker could no longer reach her!
A fellatrix steno named Beeman, Remarked as she swallowed my semen; "On my miniscule salary, I must watch every calorie, So I get 'ahead' eating you he-men."
The Morning After Audience Participation
I haven't a clue where I've been. There were recriminations and spleen. I feel kind of crabby, 'Twas maybe the Abbey - (I think I created a scene.)
Picky I never have been, but the pickin's 'round hare are so thin that this buffalo who in the states was a two is beginning to look like a ten. I think I would rather be dead or anywhere other instead than sitting here drunk in a dorm on a bunk in a dump on a rock in the Med.
Dion Boucicault may have been (At least for New York's Irish scene) Thought of as unfriendly, But by his end, he Was seen as a son of the green.
There once was a pitcher of beer It won't be abandoned - don't fear. It shall soon meet the throats of three crusty old goats who are burstin' with thirst and good cheer.
Daily Ditty 7 17 June 1997
Two Bros, after drinking some beer, Took a whiz off the end of the pier One Bro said, "Mother! Water's COLD!" Said the other, "An' de bottom is muddy, too, here!" (Just in case you are one of the few Who don't get the joke on these two: Both men are braggin' 'Bout how much they're draggin'; How they knew what they know is a clue.) I first heard that theme when Alaska Was a new state, long after Nebraska A Texan, from Austin, Was given to boastin' That his state was great. Now I ask yuh! An Alaskan and he had drunk masses of beer in the largest of glasses Going home they said "We ought to stop for a pee" On a bridge they sat down on their asses The Texan was Oh! such a creep telling tales that were awfully steep "We must really be bold, This water's so cold" and his buddy said "Yeah, but not deep."
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IndexSaid a white-haired old lady named Beers, As she balled with a quintet of queers, "As God is my witness, This is the shit'nest Gang-bang I've had in nine years."
When it comes to the birds and the bees, The Greeks excel others with ease. With a frontal attack, Or an end run 'round back, They impale any hole that they please.
There was this fellow named Beethoven To whom we are much behoven For many a symphonata Sometimes played sostenata With pregnant pauses a la bun in the oven.
before - see Back Bay
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Indexbefore - see advice
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Indexbefore - see Cannuck
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IndexThe guy that was mentioned before Could never establish rapport With readers that reasoned, Or critics well-seasoned, But at least he was never a bore.
Daily Ditty 99 Wednesday, 24 September 1997
I teach software to sit up and beg, But last session I sure laid an egg: My OS last night Learned to bark, growl, and bite, Now the PC is mounting my leg!
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IndexThe World, some are saying, began Without any purpose or plan. Nature never was led, But just blundered ahead, And reasoned things out as she ran.
[There was a young girl who | On a maiden a man once] begat [Three brats, by name | Bouncing triplets named] Nat, Tat, and Pat; 'Twas fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding: [When she found there was no | She hadn't a spare] tit for Tat.
Three two-letter words that begin With 'I' are a source of chagrin: There are guys who can cry - Even wish they could die - At that soul-searing phrase "Is it in?"
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IndexGod's plan made a hopeful beginning But man spoiled his chances by sinning. We trust that the story Will end in God's glory - But at present the other side's winning
Although Fermat's Last Theorem beguiles, It appears to be suited to styles Of diligent toilers Like Gausses and Eulers So it yielded to Andrew J,'s wiles.
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IndexAt a gathering on Clinton's behalf, They shared a quick hug and a laugh, Someone heard him say, "I like your beret, And I think I'd like you on my staff."
Daily Ditty 179 Saturday, 13 December 1997
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #1
I was Santa at Corporate behest And held kids in my lap while so dressed There my bosses wee daughter Lost control of her water Which left me a wee bit distressed!
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IndexDaily Ditty 192 Friday, 26 December 1997
Though his front was half switched with behind Freak Ron's life proved a triumph of mind That his tool was aft mounted Was a trial he surmounted Pleasing girls who were deaf, dumb, and blind.
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IndexA woman [who came from] from Bejing Couldn't [do a | execute even one] thing. She tried and [she] tried And suddenly cried I should have married a king.
A yogi from far-off Beirut, For women did not care a hoot, But his organ would stand In a manner quite grand, When a snake-charmer played on his flute.
[Another young man from | A marine out on guard in] Beirut, Played his penis [as one might | one night like] a flute. Till [he met | up came] a sad eunuch, Who lifted his tunic, And said, "Sir, my instrument's mute."
At a serious bar in Bel Air, A lady walked in and stood bare. She kept leering and winking, But drinking is drinking, And not one man noticed her there.
A certain young girl of Bel Air, Once carefully braided the hair, All over her crotch, Letting nobody watch, And the fellows all thought it unfair.
Bel Air - see Kildare
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IndexThere lives a man in BelAir, Who is rapidly losing his hair. His ego is strained, But thank God for Rogaine... His head will no longer be bare.
An eccentric old coot from Bel Air Was accused of passing hot air. Said he, "It's right smart To fire off a fine fart. 'Twould be louder if my ass were bare."
There once was a man of Belfast Whose balls out of iron were cast. He'd managed somehow To bugger a sow, Thus you get pig-iron, at last.
There once was a man from Belfast, Whose tool was as big as a mast! But what was so frightening It was struck by lightening, And transformed him into a young lass!
Belfast - see Cass
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IndexBelgore - see Lahore
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IndexA doughty old knight of Belgrade, Cantered southward to join the Crusade. His lady, recalling That squires knew their balling, Faced a husbandless life, undismayed.
There was a young man of Belgrade Who planned to seduce a fair maid, And as it befell, He succeeded quite well, And the maid, like the plan, was well laid.
There was a young man of Belgrade Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. I will suck, without charge, Any cock, if it's large. If it's small, I expect to be paid."
There was a young man of Belgrade, Who slept with a girl in the trade. She said to him, "Jack, Try the hole round the back. The front one is badly decayed."
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IndexThere was a young man of Belgrave Who kept a dead whore in a cave. He said, "I'll admit I'm a bit of a shit; But look at the money I save." Another old hermit named Mose, Was arrested for filthy old clothes. "They were left at my cave, By a neighbor named Dave," He testified, holding his nose. There once was a hermit named David Who kept a stiff tart in his cave, he did. He said I agree That it lacks comity, And it's not, I confess, for the pavid. A lonesome spelunker named Davy Made a solemn, guilt ridden peccavi: My companion, now late, Was a Hertz Rent-a-Date. But I'm happy, though ranty and ravy. There was a dead whore with a cave Who was killed by that Hermit named Dave He said I'll admit I'm a bit of a shit But the cave must do for her grave. I can't get it straight in my head Is it hermit or whore that was dead? So who the Hell's Dave? And what's with the cave? Oh God is my face ever red! There was an old man from Belgrave, Who found a dead whore in a cave, He said, "It's disgusting, She only needs dusting, And think of the money I'll save". That fellow who kept the dead whore In his cave, I suppose on the floor: True he'd save lots of money But what goods a dead honey Cause her blow jobs aint shit anymore.
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IndexThere was a young man of Belgravia, Who cared [not | neither] for God nor [for | his] Saviour; He walked down the Strand With his prick in his hand, And was [jailed | had [up]] for indecent behaviour.
A horrible brat from Belgravia, Drove his parents to thoughts of the Saviour. "By Jesus," they swore, "We can't stand any more Of this son of a bitch's behavior."
A barber who lived in Belgravia, Well known for his faultless behaviour, Remarked to a baboon, Who came in his saloon, "Do sit down, but I'm damned if I'll shave ya."
Lady Reginald Humphries (belie -ve it or don't) had a vulva so wee, She disposed of the sexual Need of Lord Rex through a l- audibly disciplined flea.
Said Wilma, "Last week I believed I had slipped and had somehow conceived. My prayers were a myriad, And I then got my period, And now, for a while, I'm reprieved."
If a man tracing lineage believes That no royal blood flows, then he grieves. But I do not despair For I'm fully aware That my forebearers were untitled thieves.
There once was a tart named Belinda, Whose cunt opened out like a winda But she'd slam the thing shut, The contemptible slut, Whenever you tried to get inda.
"Excuse me," said the boy from Belize, "But I think I am going to sneeze. I've got wax in my ears, Which brings me to tears, And it's going to blow out in the breeze."
There once was a man from Belize, Who loved to get down on his knees. When a big cock he saw, He would open his jaws, And his suction was certain to please.
That glamorous blonde, young Miss Bell, Forgot to reserve a hotel; But a kind man from Fife Tucked her in with his wife, And gave her some crumpet as well.
There was a young fellow named Bell Whose tale is heart-breaking to tell. He once took a crap In the woods, and a trap Underneath - oh, it's tragic as hell!
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IndexA buttocky beauty named Bella, Went out for a ride with a fella. They returned from the ride With nothing outside, But the knob on the fella's umbrella.
Bellardon - see Arden
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IndexA noble young lad named Bellasis, Was a sad case of satyriasis, 'Till help psychiatric Brought the fucking fanatic To a state of sexual stasis.
A dyslexia student named Belle, Instead of "Hello" would "oHell." Condemned by her peers With laughter and jeers, Poor Belle would, frustrated, "owBell."
Said a wicked old madam named Belle, Whom the preacher was threatening with Hell, "I have no regrets, No doubts - and no debts. If I haven't done good, I've done well."
A great big fat cop of Belle Isle, Had a pecker that made the whores smile. It was teeny and skewed, He could only get screwed When the girl kept on twisting meanwhile.
bell-hop - see chums
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IndexThere was a young man from Belle Isle, Who said to his girl, "If you'll, I'll." "I'm willing," said she, "But first I must see How you look as I walk down the aisle."
A repellent young fellow named Bellow, Was kicked out of a Paris bordello. He sawed his bow fiddle, Across a whore's middle, Insisting that she was a 'cello.
Daily Ditty 32 Saturday, 19 July 1997
For all of its whistles and bells Most modern technology smells The creed's "Do it fast E're the market is past; Barely saleable quality sells!"
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IndexThere's a young man who lives in Belsize Who believes he is clever and wise. Now, what do you think? He saves gallons of ink By simply not dotting his i's
Remember when you are bemusing, And daily decisions confusing, That for life existential The thing that's essential Is never the choice but the choosing.
There was an old codger named Ben Who had a most terrible yen. The problem was not The how, why, or what, But the who and the where and the when.
There was a young fellow named Ben Who could only count modulo ten. He said, "When I go Past my last little toe, I shall have to start over again."
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IndexBeing buggered by big burly Ben, Said a dolly in Almaden: "I'm tired of you queers Who only spear rears - I'd like my cunt plugged now and then!"
Ben - see Schwartz
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IndexA bibliophile, name of Ben, Had lustful designs on a hen. Who, with pleasure and pride, Most obligingly cried, With a flip of her feathers, "Say when!"
A bi-sexual rock star named Bender, When asked by the press corps to render An account of his flings, Said, "Sex grooves and/or swings, But that depends mostly on gender."
Daily Ditty 64 Wednesday, 20 August 1997
While mixing his drinks, Samuel Bender Caught both of his nuts in his blender His plain Bloody Mary Got more so, and hairy, While they both grew much closer in gender.
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IndexViscount Stansgate, or Wedgwood, or Benn (Three in one to the left-minded men) Says 'Issues are all, Generalities pall, But I'm there if you want me - say when.'
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A nudist resort in Benares Took a midget in all unawares But he made members weep For he just couldn't keep His nose out of private affairs.
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IndexThere was an old priest of Benares Who kept twenty-three hybrid canaries. But the noise the birds made When the gentleman prayed Eclipsed all their other vagaries.
Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex - But Were Afraid To Ask, by Dr. David Reuben: The Limerick Version (With References to the original)
Four breasts had the girl of Benares. If she dated a man unawares It would give him the fits How to handle four tits So she dated her boyfriends in pairs. [p. 27] A happy young bridegroom named Bricken Fucked his bride then proceeded with lickin'. But the blood that did spew From that vaginal stew Had a taste that was strangely like chicken. [p. 28] "Have you still got your hymen?" said Nick To his bride as she fondled his dick. Said his darling bride, "No, It was gone long ago - Finger-fucking is what did the trick." [p. 28] When a man on a lady does climb His orgasm comes once - it's a crime. But a lady can score Fifty times and much more And all in a very short time. [p. 36] Said a salesman of shoes name of Pete, "My God, but I like ladies' feet. When they make a selection I get such an erection I go back and beat on my meat." [p. 183] An old man asked his shrink for some checks Why his pecker was too dead for sex. Said his shrink, "It's not dead - It is all in your head. Your brain is your organ of sex." [p. 39] "The brain," said psychiatrist Knight, "Is the seat of orgasmic delight, Which is why politicians Have nocturnal emissions As their nonsense they stand to recite." [p. 39] Sex courses are not very bright - Sperm and egg are shown as they unite. There's no fondling of tit Nor the licking of clit, And no word on orgasmic delight. [p. 45] Dr. Reuben explained sex to me. My eyes opened wide as could be. So my fly I unzipped And my peter I gripped And I called it a dumb SOB. [p. 45] From children the sex act is hidden. All advice to the kids is priest-ridden. The principle used Leaves the young folk confused - If it's fun then the act is forbidden. [p. 43] The poor wife cannot get through her dome The reason her husband does roam. Sanctimony pervades Matrimonial charades - And he can't get a blow job at home. [p. 46] A filarial worm does abound Which causes a swelling profound. If it gets a good start In your balls - get a cart To transport your testes around. [p. 18] A girl is short-changed in a screw - A man goes off once and he's through. But a girl can take ten And then ten again - So hive her four more - she'll be true. [p. 36] If a girl looks at sex with disdain And from fucking does wish to abstain, The doctor does not Look for woes in her twat - He knows he must check out the brain. [p. 39]
There once was a mechanic named Bench, Whose best tool was a sturdy [gut | rape]-wrench. With this vibrant device, He could reach, in a trice, The innermost parts of a wench.
A lad with a marvelous bend Has no need of lover or friend. What he does to himself Would fill up a shelf, But alas, he has come to his end.
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IndexThere was a young man of Bengal Who swore that he'd only one ball; But [a couple of | two little] bitches [Looked inside | Pulled down] his britches, And found he had two after all.
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IndexA contortionist born in Bengal Kept her many admirers enthralled With erotic embraces; She'd muscles in places Where most girls have nothing at all.
There was a princess of Bengal, Whose cunt was excessively small. She said, "It would be Much simpler for me To do without fucking at all."
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IndexThere was a young man of Bengal Who went to a masquerade ball Arrayed like a tree But he failed to foresee His abuse by the dogs in the hall
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IndexThere was an old man of Bengal, Who purchased a bat and a ball, Somes gloves and some pads; It was one of his fads, For he never played cricket at all.
There was a young man from Bengal Who went to a fancy dress ball. Just for a stunt, He dressed up as a cunt And was [fucked | had] by a dog in the hall.
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IndexThere was a young man from Bengal Who got in a hole in the wall. 'Oh,' he said, 'It's a pity This hole is so glitty, But it's better than nothing at all.'
There was an old whore from Bengazi, Who'd been laid by a Frog and a Nazi. And a Wog and a dog, And a razorbacked hog, But she drew the line at the Pinkerton brothers.
There was a young lad named Bengie, Whose dong was unusually bendly. Having grown out of that, The ladies in chat Now say that his awfully friendly
There was a young man so benighted He didn't know when he was slighted; He went to a party, And ate just as hearty As if he'd been really invited.
There once was a person of Benin, Who wore clothes not fit to be seen in; When told that he shouldn't He replied, 'Gumscrumrudent!' - A word of inscrutable meanin'!
This man had a girl named Jane Bennett. And was starved to get his dick in it. Being away for a year Just seeing her nude rear He shot-off for over a minute!
"A full-of-bull lawyer named Bennett," Took Slick Willie's case for to win it. "Bob's sibling touts morals," "While he covers Bill's ""orals""," "Bad genes, or breech birth? I'm agin it!"
Ben Nevis - see Nevis
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Indexbent - see Zuck
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IndexIt seems a fat homo of Bentree Traffics nightly with pederast gentry. It may strike you as frightful, But he finds it delightful, As they vaseline up his rear entry.
bents - see grayed
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IndexDaily Ditty 185 Friday, 20 December 1997
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #7 'Twas destined, this bash, to bequeath Joys uncommonly linked with a wreath Now Anna and Nellie Have more in their belly Than ever went in past their teeth
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IndexDear John means of love you're bereft. For somebody else she has left. Since life now will suck, You "fuck fuck fuck fuck" - One each for that lousy 4F.
An old man at the Folies Bergère Had a jock, a most wondrous affair. It snipped off a twat-curl From each new chorus girl, And he had a wig made of the hair.
A red politician named Beria Had a limb of such length that nary a Girl that he tailed But woefully wailed, "You're up in the whooping cough area."
A young polo-player of Berkeley Made love to his sweetheart berserkly. In the midst of each chukker He would break off and fuck her Horizontally, laterally, and verkeley
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IndexThere once was a boy in the Berkshires, Who would stitch after having some beers. He'd get quite stewed, So his stitches were skewed, "Oh well, let's have another...Cheers!"
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, I was lewd, but by God! she was lewder. She said it was crude To be wooed in the nude - I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
A fervent young maid of Bermuda Embraced all the doctrines of Buddha. But in six weeks, all told, She returned to the fold, When the Anglican Archbishop screwed her.
There was an old maid from Bermuda, Who shot a marauding intruder. It was not her ire At his lack of attire, But he reached for her jewels as he screwed her.
There once was a girl from Bermuda, Who undressed till she couldn't be nuder. When one young man inquired, Why she wasn't attired, She said, "Can't you be a bit cruder?"
There was an old maid from Bermuda, Who looked like a sick barracuda. She walk around naked, But she never got raped, Or fucked, and nobody screwed 'er.
A certain young cleric of Berwick Showed a relish for things esoteric For instance, his itch To be whacked by some bitch With a hazelwood switch Was thought odd (in a cleric) By the people of Berwick.
There was a young girl in Berlin Who was [fucked | raped] by an elderly Finn. Though he diddled his best And [screwed | fucked] her with zest, She kept asking, "Hey, Pop! Is it in?"
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Index[There once was a girl | A virgin who came] from Berlin, [Who lost her virginity to a| Was plucked by an eager young] Finn. Now her cherry's gone bad, But don't feel too sad, She still has the box it came in.
There was a young man of Berlin Whom disease had despoiled of his skin, But he said with much pride, 'Though deprived of my hide, I can still enjoy a put in.'
There was an Old Man of Berlin, Whose form was uncommonly thin; Till he once, by mistake, Was mixed up in a cake, So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
There was a young man from Berlin Whose tool was the size of a pin. Said his girl with a laugh As she fondled that shaft, "Well, this won't be much of a sin."
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IndexThere was a young man from Berlin, A patron of sexual sin. He crammed the small crease 'Twixt the legs of his niece With a foot of his old rolling pin.
There was a young girl in Berlin Who eked out a living through sin. She didn't mind fucking, But much preferred sucking, And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
There was a great soldier of Berlin, Who was always a frizzing and curling; Well filled were his rooms With scents and perfumes: What a pretty great soldier of Berlin.
There was a poor freak from Berlin Whose balls hung from under his chin. Despite Nature's joke, His morale never broke, Though shaving did cause him chagrin.
There was a young man from Berlin, Had a prick most exceedingly thin. With this long slender peter, He could screw an ureter, If only he know how to get in.
Being raped, a fat girl named Bernice, Ups and yells for the local police. Who, to her dismay, Would not go away, Until each had knocked off a free piece.
Berries, berries, all kind of berries, Chancres on her ass like California cherries. The first time I hit her, I nearly broke her shitter, Down where the Hasiampa flows.
Said the young and athletic Miss Berry, When asked why she's always so merry, "I take part is all sorts Of amateur sports, But my favorite is losing my cherry."
A vigorous fellow named Bert, Was attracted by every new skirt. Oh, it wasn't their minds But their rounded behinds, That excited this loveable flirt.
Three scribblers whose names end in Bert, Gil, Her, and Flau - are now inert. Gil wrote silly songs, Her satirized wrongs And Flau was once set for School Cert.
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IndexThe absurd and antique Annie Besant Accosted an innocent pheasant. It said, "Of a surety I'll tell Krishnamurti, And that would be very unpleasant."
A famous fellatri[ce|x] named Bess Refused all requests from the press To explain her renown As a great goer down - She was tight-lipped about her success.
The people the Churches love best Breed children like rabbits, with zest. They serve every passion In orthodox fashion, The State gets the bill to digest.
Dildoes are touchy at best, But they'll not let you down at the crest. First, jiggled and twisted, Then rapidly fisted, They'll outlast ten peckers if pressed.
Dildoes are touchy at best, Especially applied to a guest. "I imagined a meal, Not a long latex eel," One huffy invitee confessed.
This is what the doctor does best He waits 'til you're partly undressed And with a hand that's like ice He doesn't think twice As he places it onto your chest.
Said Reagan, "O. J. you're the best. We're so glad that you're out of that mess. We hope you'll come see Both Nancy and me When you and Nicole come out West."
The Health Plan that still is the best - Let grandpa and grandma attest - Will cure half our ills And cut half our bills TWO ASPRINS . . .DRINK LIQUIDS . . . AND REST.
When they gave me a scroll as "The Best," They just wrote those two words, but the rest You can call out en masse, (Unless you're a lass Who'd like putting the thing to the test.)
Daily Ditty 127 Wednesday, 22 October 1997
Said the prisoner, "I must look my best, Polished boots and a suit neatly pressed At my 'party' today I will hardly feel gay, And I dress up when I get depressed." Said the chaplain, "I think your request Can be met, and at your behest Perhaps Sam the Mortician Can improve your condition With some duds from a client at rest." Said the sheriff, "Since you are my guest I'll be proud if you're wearing a vest With your necktie just right You could go down tonight As 'Horse Thief: Best dressed in the West.'"
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IndexA buxom young girl whose the best; Her blow jobs can pass every test. She can make a man come With her lips or her gum, Or use both with unparalleled zest!
An unruly church chorus bestrews The choir loft with chairs and eschews All good sense of tones While their leader bemoans Their not minding their keys and their pews.
bet - see compress
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IndexA lisping young lady named Beth Was saved from a fate worse than death Seven times in a row, Which unsettled her so, That she quit saying 'No' and said 'Yeth.'
Screamed a muscular housewife named Beth, As she choked her poor husband to death: "I've never found lipstick Adorning your dipstick, But that's sure FDS on your breath!"
A sexless old lady named Beth, Polished up her false teeth and her breath, Till her smile was so white, Just from Peppermint-Brite, That sixty men banged her to death.
I suppose that it's got to be better to enclose not a thing with your letter than to write one in prose although everyone knows Once ignored we will all soon forget her.
A fat lazy fellow named Betts, Upon his fat ass mostly sets. Along comes a gal And says, "I'll fuck you, pal." Says he, "If you'll do the work, let's."
There was a young woman called Betty Who couldn't abide Donizetti; She used the full score Of "L'Elisir d'Amore" Page by page, as an après-escreter. On opera buffa she frowns 'Cause Betty just hates all those clowns... Now Wagner she likes, As do most dykes, "He's just not as bad as he sounds!" (Apologies to Mark Twain) Betty just loves Turandot, Puccini makes her hot to trot... By now its pro forma, When he sings "Nessun dorma," She secretely fondles her twat.
A sweaty young yeti named Betty, Had a love in the park, Serengeti. An ungainly old gnu, Who was faithful and true, With love ready and heady and steady.
There was a young woman named Betty, Who thought waterbeds rather petty. The results were less hasty, She thought, and more tasty, If one screwed on a bed of spaghetti.
There once was a woman named Betty Whose cunt hairs hung down like spaghetti. The drip and the slease Went down to her knees. You had to part her legs with a machete.
A deep-throated virgin named Betty, Was sucking a cock on the jetty. She said, "It's tastes nice, Much better than rice, But not quite as good as spaghetti."
between - see Louise
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IndexThere was an old Member called Bevan Who wanted to make Britain Heaven; When they said: 'You will fail.' He replied: 'Ebbw Vale Gives the strength to its children of seven.'
Bevan - see Nevin
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IndexThere was a young fellow from Beverly Who went in for fucking quite heavily. He fucked night and day Till his ballocks gave way, But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly.
A much-diddled dolly named Beverly Went about her sex bouts so darned cleverly, She services three At a time - all for free - Positioned about herself severally.
When eating a veggie, beware! Be sure your proceeding with care. Chomp-Lick, Oh what fun! And now that you're done, Help her back up into her wheelchair.
There was a young maid from Bezique, Exceedingly skinny and weak; But her face turned quite red, When her friend one day said, "What you need is a real good physique."
There was a young lady of Bicester Who was nicer by far than her [sister | sicester]: The sister would giggle And wiggle and jiggle, But this one would come if you [kissed her kicester].
Bicester - see Gloucester
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IndexThere was a young party of [Bicester | Byster], Who wanted to bugger his sister. But not liking dirt, He bought him a squirt, And cleaned out her arse with a clyster.
Bicester - see Chester
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IndexThere was a young man of Bhogat, The cheeks of whose ass were so fat That they had to be parted Whenever he farted, And propped wide apart when he shat.
A fastidious young fop of Bhogat, Would suck a girl's cunt, just like that. But he'd wipe off her jib, And then slip on a bib, To make sure not to soil his cravat.
There was a young lady of Bhore, Who was courted by gallants galore. Their ardent protestin' She found interestin', And she ended her life as a virgin.
Bianca - see Banker
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IndexA cabman who drove in Biarritz Once frightened a fare into fits. When reprov'd for a fart, He said, 'God bless my heart, When I break wind I usually shits.'
Biarritz - see Fritz
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IndexIn the quaint little town of Biarritz Lives a girl with two very small tits. I don't think I'd mind them If once I could find them. Why, once, I mistook them for zits.
There was an old soldier at Bicester Was walking one day with his sister; A bull, with one poke, Tossed her into an oak, Before the old gentleman missed her.
To an artist a husband named Bicket Said, "Turn your backside, and I'll kick it. You have painted my wife In the nude to the life. Do you think for a moment that's cricket?"
There was a young fellow named Biddle Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle. She grabbed hold of his bow And said, "If you want to know, [You can] try parting my hair in the middle."
Three ingenious young siblings called Biddle, Indulged in a three-cornered diddle. Though those on each side Were well satisfied, All fought for dual joys in the middle.
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IndexBiddle - see Rose
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IndexBiddle - see Schwartz
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Index'In my salad days,' said Lady Bierley 'I took my cocks fairly and squarely. But now when they come They go right up my bum - And that only happens but rarely.'
That rotten old person named Biggem, He likes to have little girls frig him. The big girls he fuckses, Their panties he muckses, And trains 'em to swallow and swig him.
There was a young lady named Bigger, Who said as she squeezed on the trigger, "You son of a bitch, My cunt has the itch, And in morte, you may attain rigor."
Said a fruity young man name of Biggle, With an almost hysterical giggle, "Last night I was sick With delight when my prick Felt Brucie's delicious ass wriggle!"
There was an asexual bigot Whose cock only served as a spigot. 'Till a jolly young whore, Taught him tricks by the score, Now his greatest delight is to frig it.
Said a fat old whore of Big Rise: "I can hardly believe my own eyes! But there waves a pecker That's certain cunt-wrecker, And I ain't fuckin' none of that size."
A riot was caused in Big Sur By the genital itch in the fur Of a lady with ants In the crotch of her pants, Who screwed dozens without a demur.
The was a young Dane named Bijorn Who ate Cheetos while watching some porn. The Cheetos he'd eaten, While his meat he'd beaten, and that turned his penis bright orange!
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Indexbike - see NG
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IndexA NEWS FLASH. Bikini Atoll; They don't wear bikinis at all. The women folk there Just walk around bare If they're under eighteen OR small. If they're under eighteen or small, And parts of their bodies don't fall, They walk around bare. For cheap tourist fare, The IRV Travel Agency call.
A mechanical marvel [was | named] Bill, [He'd | Had] a tool which was shaped like a quill; With this scholarly dink, He could squirt purple ink, And [decorate lampshades | write, draw, or color] at will.
There once was a fellow named Bill Who swallowed a nuclear pill. When the doctor said "Cough!" The damn thing went off, And his head was picked up in Brazil.
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IndexThere was a young fellow named Bill, Who took an atomic pill. His navel corroded, His asshole exploded, And they found his nuts in Brazil!
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IndexAn unfortunate GI named Bill Lost his life when they took Bunker Hill. A shame how he died, Shot by his own side, When the Captain cried, "Fire at will!"
Bill - see advice
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IndexThere once was a lady named Billie, Who wandered through life willy-nilly In aimless affairs With chance millionaires, Whose trinkets made marriage look silly.
They called him botanical Billy, On account of his wonderful willy. Its shaft was all dark And covered with bark, While his foreskin looked just like a lily.
A flatulent Cockney named Billy Could fart like a two-year-old filly. He did it so well That he soon blew to hell, Every shithouse in old Piccadily.
"I shall star," vowed a girl from Biloxi. "At Twentieth-Century Foxi." And her movie career Really prospered last year: She's in charge of the mops at the Roxi.
There was a young man from Biloxi, Whose bowels responded to Moxie. Drinking glass after glass, He would tune up his ass, Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
A young handyman from Biloxi Tried coating his tool with epoxy. In practice he found, Though his theory was sound, It was rather like screwing by proxy.
There was a young fellow on Bimini, Who chartered a yacht for three women he Intended to trick, But the swells made him sick. An ambitious young cad, but no seaman he.
I found when I Christmased in Bim'ni, Why Santa's unfruitful, By Jimn'y, The conclusion is clear, Only one time a year, Does he come then he shoots down the chimney.
On being single overseas
Picky I never have bin, But the pickin's 'round hare are so thin That this buffalo who In the states was a two Is beginning to look like a ten. I think I would rather be dead Or anywhere other instead Than sitting here drunk In a dorm on a bunk In a dump on a rock in the Med.
A terrible singer named Bing, One evening insisted he'd sing. So we asked him to stoop, Put his head in a loop, And pulled at each end of the string.
There was an old lady of Bingly, Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. I thought I had got A bloke for my twat, But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
There was a young parson named Bings, Who talked about [God and such | women and] things; But his secret desire Was a boy in the choir, With a bottom like jelly on springs.
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IndexWhenever you go on a binge With a girl somewhat plump, do not cringe At the layers of fat Where her pussy is at, You'll find benefits all 'round the fringe.
OFFICIUM
An odd nephew of Hildy von Bingen Was convicted one Easter of singen Bawdy songs during Mass And of baring hisWhile the bells of the Sanctus were ringen.
There was a young fellow from Bingham, Whose girl had to run off and bring 'im A new set of tweeds, While he hid in the weeds, Where he'd lost his while jigging her thingum.
A cranberry lady from Bingle With dulcimers wanted to mingle. She knew all her frets, She knew how to pet. But duet? "I prefer to play single."
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IndexBinns - see Bings
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IndexThere was an old abbot of Binham, Who enticed all the girls and got inham. On the floor of the abbey Until they were flabby, For hour upon hour he would pinham
Socially Conscious Pornography
We've socially conscious biography, Esthetics, and social geography; Today every field Boasts its Marx-[ist | ian] yield, So now there's class-conscious pornography. Oh, the worker is nobody's fool, For by rights, he's the man with the tool. His ponderous prick'll Arise with the sickle, And bugger the Fascists who rule. Miss de Vaughan was a maker of panties, For all girls from subdebs to grand-aunties. Her very best ad Was herself, lightly clad In her three-ninety-five silken scanties. So this wench is a capitalist, She's our villain and ought to be hissed. But she's lush and she's plump, And a glimpse of her rump Would teach Marx that there's something he's missed. Now de Vaughhan had resolved on a lockout, To give Communist Labour the knockout. She said, "Fuck the foul fools." (She'd attended good schools), And took a fresh bottle of Hock out. Joseph Smith was a sturdy Longshoreman, (And an eminent amateur whoreman), Just to be sympathetic He grew peripatetic, 'Till his picketing irked de Vaughan's doorman. For this lout was a scab born and bred, Who fainted when e'er he saw red. In distress he reported, But she only retorted, "Run home and hide under your bed." For her plans were peculiar and wicked, As she thought, "He's a man, if a picket." She lured him inside, And insidiously plied, The prick of the picket to lick it. Joe's rod was a stiff as a rail, But he couldn't let principles fail. "You degenerate bitch, That's a trick of the rich, But the People prefer honest tail." "You may tickle the cocks and the vanities Of the rich men who purchase your scanities, But the proud People's Front Calls for sound hairy cunt. So its down with de Vaughan's panty-wanities." He picked a soft couch in her office, And tore off her pants and ripped off his. Then he showed her the rod Marks the difference, by God, Between what a man and a toff is. Now our Joe was the first proletarian, Who had filled with his sperm the ovarian Recess of de Vaughan, Which had sheltered the spawn, Of unnumbered Fascists, all Aryan. Next day, his friends said, "You've been soaring. You're dead on your feet. Were you whoring?" He replied, "Starving masses Mean more than plump asses. Last night, from within I was boring." And de Vaughan thought her troubles were over, Her picket had left (to recover), But he'd furnished her womb With incipient bloom, A fact she had yet to discover. So after nine months, to the day, The employer in labour pains lay. As the boy hove in sight, He yelled, "Workers Unite!" And the doctors all fainted away. The moral of this is, my child, By rich promises, don't be beguiled. Remember that workers Are eminent firkers, And go left, if you must be defiled.
There was a young [pansy | fairy] named Birch, Who developed a taste for the church, And monks, priests, and preachers. And such holy creatures, Were the uplifted ends of his search.
A crepitant person named Birch Often farts right out loud during church. Said the pastor, "Dear friend, You'll be blessed in the end - But it won't be an end without smirch."
On [a | his] date with a charming young bird, His erotical feelings were stirred; So with bold virile pluck, He inquired: 'Do you fuck?' She said: 'Yes, but don't use that word.'
There's a major league player named Bird, Whose libido is easily stirred; With zero remorse, The girls he will force, And sometimes a runner on third.
Donald Duck is a virtuous bird Whose lust is forever deferred. His sex life is dry For Walt Disney would cry: "Love is a four-letter word!"
There once was this man named Birley, Who got over excited with Shirley. When she touched his hard pole An old story was told He came in her hand prematurely!
The eminent Bishop of Birmingham [Took all | Seduced | Deflowered] the young girls when confirmingham. When they came to confess He would lift up their dress And insert his episcopal [spermingham | wormingham] You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : He buggers the choir As they sing "Ave Maria," And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
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IndexThere were two young ladies of Birmingham, And this is the [scandal | story] concerning 'em: They lifted the frock And [tickled | diddles] the cock Of the Bishop [engaged in | as he was] confirming 'em.
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IndexLady Eva of East Birmingham, Got herself in a terrible jam. While out on a bust, She put too much trust, In the fit of a friend's diaphragm.
ANAXAGORASERICKS:
Not too far from Miletus by birth, He found Athens of somewhat more worth. Or at least that's his attitude, Till expelled, with ingratitude, For saying the moon's made of earth. Not just four now, but ever so many! Thus the man from the town of Clazomenae. And no portion you find Lacks for some of each kind: Want some gold? Well, there's some in each penny! (Thus let's note to give pause for a minute How his thought has a flaw to begin it: Each natural item Splits ad infinitum, So he thought each has everything in it.) Anaxagoras then, had supposed What things "are" is just what they are most. Would you call a thing such? It depends on how much. (Otherwise, your whole meal's in your toast!) To be fair, though, he'd also maintain, Not all being is quite this mundane. For who'd dare be so blind As to think Cosmic Mind Could exist on so tawdry a plane?! (So far as we know this man textually, Cosmic Mind does its work intellectually. He found Sicily's mystic Too physicalistic, When he viewed it as functionally sexually!)
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IndexYoung Nobel, Swedish by birth Found a use for diatomous earth Mixed with nitro it jells And like hot cakes it sells. Can you imagine what Nobel is worth?
birth - see it
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IndexA dyke on the Bay of Biscay Frigs herself with her thumbs twice a day. But a bitch in Australia Prefers male genitalia, And fucks 'em in scores without pay.
Charlotte, a lass from Biscayne, Was found doubled over in pain. She said she'd been silly To gobble his willy, While lying face-up in the rain.
There was a permissive young Bishop, Who said to 'square' vicars, "Oh Pish! Op- inions do vary - Pray don't be contrary! What's wrong with a porn-cannabis shop?"
An astonished young lady named Bissell Let out a lascivious whistle, When her boyfriend stripped nude. He remarked, "Though it's crude, Please observe that ain't muscle - it's missile!"
Bister - see Bicester
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IndexThere once was a couple from Bistwith Who invited in friends to play whist with. While their minds were unstable They crawled under the table And they played with the things that they pissed with!
The Forced Fast Cure
She couldn't resist food a bit. And fat? She was dying of it. She cried, "I'll be bound When food is around You must see I am tied to be fit."
Said the Abbot, "I'm not pleased one bit, Brother Ambrose; that you should submit Your signed IOU In lieu of a ewe. I just won't accept that sheep chit."
Said mine Host: "This will not do a bit. You are getting me ass-deep in shit. Touch her not scornfully, Lift her up mournfully, Pinch her once more on the tit!"
bit - see Ryde
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Index[There | I] once [was | knew] a [horny old | clever young] bitch [With a motorized | Who owned a] self-[fucker | frigger the] which She would use with delight [All day long and all | Far into the] night, Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
A poet, poor son of a bitch, Must refrain, if he happens to itch, From an action so crass As scratching his ass, For his "culture" is keeping him rich.
Joan of Arc was a frigid young bitch, Her pussy gave never a twitch. Refusing to whore, She strode off to war, And they burnt the poor girl as a witch.
Maggie is such a fine bitch - But her PC was all full of glitch. Till one day came Choad, He lightened her load, And found where her on/off was switched.
More to love about Texas
The ticks and the chiggers will bite Mosquites will certainly light But the one that I dread Is that damned copperhead I might tread upon during the night.
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IndexThere was a young man who was bitten, By twenty-two cats and one kitten. Cried he, "It is clear My end is quite near. No matter! I'll die like a Briton!"
A habit obscene and bizarre Has taken a-hold of papa: He brings home young camels And other odd mammals, And gives them a go at mama.
A girl with a snatch bizarre, Had the strangest pussy by far. It was six inches wide, And all furry inside, With the smell of an overripe gar.
There was an Old Person in black, A Grasshopper jumped on his back; When it chirped in his ear, he was smitten with fear, That helpless Old Person in black.
As the smoke from her stove billowed black A dazed wife in Tibet cried, "Alack," To her husband, "Oh, please, Call and order Chinese, It's a cinder! Oh, my baking yak!"
An opera singer named Black, Would fuck anything with a crack: Sidewalks and board fences, Young goats and cheese blintzes, And the cheekiest man in his claque.
A hapless young lady named Black, In poverty lived in a shack. So she took to the street, To be back on her feet, But she found herself back on her back.
'I'm strict', said the function in black 'And I'm lazy, I lie on my back,' Said the structure in dread - 'I think that my head Will be normal, if formed on the rack.'
Daily Ditty 120 Wednesday, 15 October 1997
My girlfriend has hair glossy black Frames her face as she lies on her back With her legs all akimbo She's a real classy bimbo, I can't wait to get her in the sack.
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IndexMy girlfriend said once you've gone black To white, you'll never go back. The dongs are so long You will never go wrong In getting the best in the sack!
black - see Vice-President
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IndexA chippy who worked in Black Bluff, Has a pussy as large as a muff. It had room for both hands And some intimate glands, And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
There was an Old Man of Blackheath, Whose head was adorned with a wreath, Of lobsters and spice, Pickled Onions and mice, That uncommon Old Man of Blackheath.
There was an old man of Blackheath, Who sat on his set of false teeth; Said he with a start, "Oh, Lord bless my heart! I have bitten myself underneath!"
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IndexThere was a young lass of Blackheath, Who frigged an old man with her teeth. She complained that he stunk Not so much from the spunk, But his arsehole was just underneath.
There was a young fellow named Blaine, And he screwed some disgusting old jane. She was ugly and smelly With an awful pot-belly, But ... well, they were caught in the rain.
A sad-eyed old satyr named Blaine Finds his dangler a cause to complain. In its youth, a real terror, Now it's failed its old wearer - The mere thought of it gives him great pain.
There was an old geezer named Blair, Who used to get girls to strip bare By slipping red ants In their bras and their pants. It works, but it lacks 'savoir-faire'.
A careless [explorer | zookeeper] named Blake Fell into a tropical lake. Said a fat alligator, A few minutes later: 'Very nice, but I still prefer [cake | steak].'
Said a sex-starved marine, Sergeant Blake, Whose lust no six wenches could slake: "On the sea for my nation! But for my vacation Give me a week on Veronica Lake."
There was a young lady named Blanche, Who screwed all the boys at the ranch. After sexing all day, 'Til their pricks wore away, She demanded nocturnal revanche.
An unmarried lady named Blanche Mounts unholstered dudes on her ranch; With pure satisfaction, She rides to distraction; Her family tree may soon branch.
Tax returns of a hooker, Ms. Blanding, Earned a strong IRS reprimanding. When defining career She was not, they said, clear, Being clever, she said, notwithstanding.
A ski-jumping champion named Blanding, Who was asked how he ended up standing, Replied "Big-bosomed Belle Always hugs me farewell, And I make a superb three-point landing."
Animula vagula blandula, Is it true that your origin's glandular? Must you twang for the Lord An umbilical chord, Like all other impropangandula?
blanket - see explicit
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IndexThere once was a fellow named Blatt Whose girlfriend was built rather flat. But I've heard that he'll say To his friends any day, "I'm glad to exchange tit for twat."
There once was a shepherd of bleaters Who dreamed about cetacean peters: "Long as the earth, And wide as the firth, Displacing one kazillion liters."
The mathematician Von Blecks, Devised an equation for sex, Having proved a good fuck, Isn't patience or luck, But a function of y over x.
A couple there was in Blefuscu, Making love in a night of subfusc hue, But some headlights drew near, And made it quit clear, They were right at the head of a bus queue.
Some say Chinese women are blessed With pudenda which lie East and West; But enquiries have found That the theory's unsound - They point Northwards, the same as the rest.
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Indexblessed - see bloke
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IndexChuck Yeager, a man who was blessed With test-flying skills of the best, Said "I never was paid To say I was afraid, But once I was mighty impressed."
There was an old hooker who blew. What I meant is, she left town. If you Understood what I said, To mean she gave head, Well, I guess there was some of that, too.
Did she douche when his long penis blew All that semen that shot into Sue? The little fool was too lazy, Now she's caught and half crazy, For she laid a buck gnu at the zoo!
blew - see Clyde
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IndexA perverted young husband named Bligh Tried to bugger his wife on the sly. In his lecherous haste, He used library paste, And now they are bound, hip and thigh.
We've heard of that fellow named Blight, And his trip on that fabulous night, But his increasing mass Would have soon proved so vast He'd have been a most singular sight!
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IndexA shill hired by the faith healer Blight To attend the revival each night Didn't last very long For his limp was all wrong. He'd confuse his left leg with his right.
blighted - see cells
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IndexWe know Teddy's a lecherous blimp, Suspect Woody is hung like a shrimp; More deserving of censure Is the one with more tenure Not the Senate's ex-face-kissin' wimp!
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IndexThere once was a preacher named Blind Who preached out of all time and mind. His poor congregation To prevent constipation Put fire-crackers up his behind.
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Index
There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
h
i
s.
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IndexIn a hammock a fellow named Bliss Was screwing a cautious young miss. She wriggled and squirmed So as not to get spermed, .siht ekil gnihtemos pu dedne yeht dnA
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IndexBliss - see compress
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IndexDISSATISFACTION
A fair floogie flat-footed, Miss Blitz, Gave the floy to a flautist named Fritz. As he played suites by Bach, Fritz thought to himself, "Ach, This is schwach. And it hurts when I pisz."
A whimsical fellow named Bloch Could beat the bass drum with his cock. With a special erection He could play a selection From Johann Sebastian Bach.
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IndexA Yiddish composer named Bloch Had holes like a flute on his cock. He could puff through each part Of a tune from Mozart, But he never dared whistle from Bach.
There was a young fellow named Bloch, Who could play the bass viol with his cock. With a superb erection, He could play a selection, From Johann Sebastian Bach.
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IndexMy sister loves Bartok and Bloch While my brother's gone crazy on Rock. Maintaining my sanity Requires much urbanity And stuffing each ear with a sock.
Bloch - see Lock
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IndexJoe the milkman has quit our block, Leaving seventeen housewives in shock. He milk'em, he worked'em, He jerked'em, he ferked'em - Now I'll have to care for his flock.
A speedy young swimmer named Block Was the fastest away from the dock. He broke records galore Til they found that he wore An electric eel stuffed in his jock.
Blois - see François
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IndexAn ancient but jolly old bloke Once picked up a girl for a poke; First took down her pants, Fucked her into a trance, Then shit in her shoe for a joke.
ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?
Farinelli, that musical bloke, Dropped by Francesca's place for a poke. Though an affable sort, He came up a bit short. So he dressed, and went outside to smoke. The boy soprano was blessed, His high notes were ever the best, Said his teachers, young man, we're devising a plan, To keep you a cut above all of the rest!
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IndexOld Charlie, a jolly old bloke, Made love to a cow as a joke. He found pleasure divine With his friendly bovine; Now they call him the old cowpoke.
Daily Ditty 116 Saturday, 11 October 1997
My girlfriend's a strawberry blond Who confers with the spirits beyond When she turns out the light And snuggles up tight Who cares if they never respond? Are you sure when you turn out the light You're alone with your gal in the night? You may be appalled When the spirits she's called Come to watch from above just for spite! Gosh, Annie, don't give me a fright How dreadful if you should be right ... The spirits I know All come from BELOW And such thoughts don't appeal to me, quite.
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IndexThere was a young idler named Blood Made a fortune performing at stud, With a fifteen-inch peter, A double-beat metre, And a load like the Biblical Flood.
A pansy by name of Ben Bloom Took a lesbian up to his room, They talked the whole night As to who had the right To do what, with which, and to whom.
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IndexOn James Joyce's Ulysses
While Dubliner leopold bloom sought solace from thoughts of the tomb in daedalic mazes his moll went to blazes and dreamed a great yes in her room.
Blott
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IndexThere was a young lady named Blount, Who had a rectangular cunt. She learned for diversion Posterior perversion, Since no one could fit her in front.
The lady bent over to blow, He said, "You must do it just so," But he was a gent, What the guy really meant, "Why waste a big cake on this ho."
There was a Young Lady in Blue, Who said, "Is it you? Is it you?" When they said, "Yes, it is," - She replied only, "Whizz!" That ungracious Young Lady in Blue.
The computer we know as "Big Blue", Was taught what competitors do, So when Kasparov came near, He bit off his ear. And spit it to Queen's Bishop 2.
In my sweet little night gown of blue, On the first night that I slept with you, I was both shy and scared As the bed was prepared, And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. As we both watched the break of the day, And in peaceful submission I lay, You said you adored it But dammit, you tore it, My sweet little night gown of blue.
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IndexA limeraiku
Said Little Boy Blue: 'Same to you. You scorn my horn? You know what to do.'
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IndexHis new little bride looked so blue, When he said, "Blow me, I beg you!" "But it leaves a bad taste Worse than library paste, And you never do me when I'm through!"
Daily Ditty 131 Sunday, 26 October 1997
Will the market on Monday be blue? Dire predictions of crashes come true? I will bet you somehow The expletive "Wow!" Will be used 'fore the session is through. The tremor began in Hong Kong (Unless I am totally wrong) Then spread, in a flash. Portending a crash? We'll know when they strike the big gong. I know that I can't pay the rent. The market, down seven percent, Is losing my money. We know that 's not funny. I'll live in a used Army tent.
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Indexblue - see Lear
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IndexOf all God's jokes, none is bluer, Than when he mixed sex with manure. What was on His Mind, When He saddled mankind, With a playground alongside a sewer?
Enough of his bachelor blues. The time has arrived for to choose. At this moment in life He will take him a wife The question is, naturally, whose?
In Stokes, lived an ugly bluestocking, Who declared that men's manners were shocking. Why, she'd never been diddled, Even fingered or fiddled, So she finally moved over to Focking.
bluey - see ratatouille
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IndexIn the farm belt, a hooker named Blum, Who's the favorite floozy of some, Takes her teeth out in bed To administer head, Since her rural tricks love it, by gum!
There was a young fellow named Blum Who was always too quick on the come. When he slept with a lass, As he felt for her ass, He would fill up her bum with the scum.
A most passionate spinster named Blum, Found a lad who was eager but dumb. With her hand on his knee, She begged him, "Come and see!" He replied, "Don't you mean see and come?"
CONFLICTED
A Talmudist named Samuel Blum Liked to practice the Arabic drum. To assuage the affliction Of this contradiction He would eat chicken fat with his thumb.
While in Brisbane, he happened to blunder On the reason why girls there are fecunder: They've stock gentilia, But the girls in Australia, Every day of their lives are down under!
An explorer whose habits were blunt, Once flavored some cannibal cunt. The asshole was shitty, And - more was the pity, It oozed from the rear to the front.
A kinky young soldier named Blunt Preferred his wife's bung to her cunt Till the night that she shrieked, "I resent being Greeked!" And he had to return to the front.
Blunt - see Blount
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IndexThe "niece" of Sir Anthony Blunt Held a viol d' gambe with her stick; She played with such art to the sound of her song While stroking Sir Anthony's beard.
Said a sweet little damsel, "I blush, At requesting you, sir, not to rush. Before pounding the meat In a blazing white heat, Why not finger the soft underbrush."
An AI researcher named Bluth, Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, Eroticon VI, Which he taught certain tricks Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
An oversexed satyr named Bluxom Likes babes who are big, bare, and buxom. "Them gals," the guy said, "Are the best ass in bed, And when I gets 'em spread, man, I fucks 'em!"
There was an Old Person of Blythe, Who cut up his Meat with a Scythe; When they said, "Well! I never!" - He cried, "Scythes for ever!" That lively Old Person of Blythe.
A jolly old fellow called Boakes Knew five thousand eight hundred jokes, Which, ranging from bad To the dismally sad, He tried out on helpless old folks.
Arrived late, 'twas the doctor's mild boast That he'd severed a penis, almost. From the hostess a groan, "You cut clear to the bone?" And the men drank a toast to their host.
Saint Peter was once heard to boast That he'd had all the heavenly host: The Father, The Son, And then - just for fun - The hole in the [whole] Holy Ghost.
There was an Old Man in a boat, Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!" When they said, "No, you ain't!" He was ready to faint, That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
I argued, "An ark is a boat." She said, "Don't be an ass!" (That's a quote) And then she said, "Irv, An arc is a curve, [And you are a dumb billygoat." | I answered, "If so, does it float?"]
While pissing on deck, an old boatswain, Fell asleep, and his pisser got frozen. It snapped at the shank, And it fell off and sank, In the sea - 'twas his own fault for dozin'!
There once was a fellow named Bob Who in sexual ways was a snob. One day he went swimmin' With twelve naked women And deserted them all for a gob.
There once was a gay bloke named Bob, Who broke down and started to sob When his Mum to him said "You've got sperm on your head And poo on the end of your nob."
There was a young fellow named Bob, Who explained to his friends with a sob, "The size of my phallus Was just right for Alice, 'Till the night that she bit off the knob."
Ginger's good friend was named Bob, Whose willie was shaped like a knob, But with Ginger's deft hand, His gland would expand Till it looked more like corn on the cob!
An equestrian nympho named Bobbie Has a mount with an organ quite knobby. What began as a whim - Feeling knobs on her quim - Has developed; that horse is her hobby!
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IndexA pert little lady named Bobbie, Used to stroll through the Fontainbleu lobby, Attracting the stares Of chance millionaires, Not entirely, I think, as a hobby.
There once was a woman named Bobbitt, Whose husband was violent. To stop it, She cut off his dick, Now she's in the nick, And it's pretty likely she'll cop it.
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IndexA much-abused lady named Bobbitt Said unto her husband, please stop it, Or I'll draw my stiletto And chop down your palmetto, And just see how far I can lob it.
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IndexThere once was a lady named Bobbitt Who got so fed up that she lopped it She said, "I'm sorry honey, But your conduct's not funny" And she very efficiently stopped it.
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IndexThere once was a cheater named Bobbitt. His wife said, "His manhood, I'll rob it. I'll get a sharp knife, And end his sex life, And into the bushes, I'll lob it."
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IndexA certain young fellow, named Bobbie Rode his steed back and forth in the lobby. When the clerk said: "In doors Is no place for a horse." He replied, "But you see, it's my hobby."
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IndexAn oversexed fellow named Bode Remarked as he shot his ninth load: "Being sexually deft, I have one load still left, So spread, baby. - One for the road!"
In his youth, our old friend Boccaccio, Was having a girl in a patio. When it came to a twat, She wasn't so hot, But, boy, was she good at fellatio!
Girls! Beware of Boccaccio, His favorite dish is fellatio. All the young girls in Florence Drink his semen in torrents, So be sure you stay off his patio!
The Chief Stewardess on a Boeing, When asked where the aircraft was going, Said: 'Our navigator Is joining us lator. And till then we have no way of knowing.'
There once was an eccentric old boffin, Who remarked, in a fine fit of coughing: 'It isn't the cough That carries you off, But the coffin they carries you off in.'
A princess who lived near a bog, Met a prince in the form of a frog. Now she and her prince Are the parents of quints, Four boys and a fine pollywog.
An insomniac atheist, Bogg, Lived his life in a dyslexic fog; His nights were much cancer'd By questions unanswered, Such as, is there really a doG?
Bogota - see Swoboda
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IndexBogota - see Rhoda
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IndexThere was an Old Man of Bohemia, Whose daughter was christened Euphemia; But one day, to his grief, She married a thief, Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
There was a young fellow from Boise Who at times was exceedingly noise; So his friends' joy increased When he moved way back east To what people in Brooklyn call Joise.
A Brooklyn boy ready to boist, Shacked up wit' a French goil, his foist. When she said, "Ah! Mon cher!" He replied, "Stop right dere! Would you radder we fucked or convoist?"
There was a young abbess, too boisterous, Who was sent off posthaste from the cloisters. She poured vichyssoise On the salade nicoise, And Bavarian cream on the oysters.
No matter how ardent and bold, Love's passion will quickly turn cold If in midst of the clinging The phone starts in ringing And she puts her lover on hold.
There was a topographer bold Who fucked a fat lady, I'm told. He mapped every cranny She had in her fanny, And fucked every wrinkle and fold.
The outrageous young Duke of Bologna Used to play on a large black zampogna During dinners at court. (It was rude, they all thought.) From his ass, there would sprout a begonia.
Some night when you're drunk on Dutch Bols, Try changing the usual rôles. The backward position Is nice for coition, And it offers the choice of two holes.
Daily Ditty 50, Saturday, 6 August 1997
Clever people invented The Bomb, Mars Rover, PC, CD-Rom; They won't be contented Until they've invented A full-scale replacement for Mom! Once the substitute womb comes to pass Virgin birth will be common as grass; With the women deserting The men will be hurting, Converting to substitute ass! Half a century plus is the span Since the Bomb was laid on Japan; Though only just nine I remember just fine When the nuclear shit hit the fan! HAPPY HIROSHIMA DAY
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IndexBombass - see Cass
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IndexBombay: See Bray
Links:
IndexA Brahman who lives in Bombay, Shrieked with horror and fainted away, When he found that somehow He had buggered a cow. (Her "Moo" was what gave it away.)
There was a young girl from Bombay, Who was put in a family way, By the mate of a lugger, An ignorant bugger, Who always spelled 'CUNT' with a K.
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IndexThere once was a man from Bombay, Who would do it all night and all day. He soon became sore; You should of heard him roar, When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay
As a little fat man of Bombay Was smoking one very hot day, A bird called a snipe Flew away with his pipe, Which vexed the fat man of Bombay.
Bombay - see Dundee
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IndexBombay - see Norway
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IndexThere was a young belle from Bombay, Who never had thought herself gay. 'Till a queen from Siam Said, "My dear, you're not jam!" And brought that one out right away.
Bombay - see Delray
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IndexThere was a young man from Bombay Making fireworks one fine Summer's day But he dropped his cigar In the gunpowder jar. There was a young man from Bombay.
There was a cute chap from Bombay, And people thought he was gay. By the way that he walked And the way that he talked, But his colleagues prefered him that way.
A cabbie who worked in Bombay Was widely reknown to be gay When adding his tips He would lick off his lips And exclaim, what an excellent day! A cabbie who lived in Minneapolis-St Paul Couldn't rhyme worth a damn, not one bit, not at all. He said, I know it ain't right and my verse should scan instead, But my meter's broken, y'all!
Said a decadent wench of Bombay: "This has been a most wonderful day. Three cherry tarts, At least twenty farts, Two shits and a bloody fine lay."
The wily Napoleon Bonaparte Took powerful Louis's plush throne apart, But the weak Josephine With her frontal fur screen And central attack, took Nap's stones apart.
Says a kinky old hooker named Bond, "I've a wile of which clients are fond: When I've hairsprayed some gold Where my labia fold, I'm a gilt-edged negotiable blonde."
I thought, when he spoke of "male bonding," Platonically he was responding. But it seems I was wrong, The urge was too strong, [For he took up | What he meant was] "male mutual fondling".
Bone - see Sloan
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Indexbone - see stone
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IndexDaily Ditty 190 Wednesday, 24 December 1997
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #12 We partied 'till tired to the bone All too quickly the hours they had flown The thing finally broke up But half of us woke up In beds not our own, nor alone
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IndexThere once was an actress of Bonely, And the men never let her be lonely. So she hung out in front Of her popular cunt, A sign reading, "Standing Room Only."
There was a composer named Bong, Who composed a new popular song. It was simply the croon Of a lovesick baboon, With occasional thumps on the gong.
When Pan, full of classical bonhommie, Met a maiden, she cried, "Don't get onna me! And the goats I keep, too, I forbid you to screw; I have just read a book - Deuteronomy!"
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet Came untied when the birds sate upon it; But she said, "I don't care! All the birds in the air Are welcome to sit on my bonnet
A Young Lady with birds in her bonnet Became cross when Cat Foss leaped upon it. As the birds flew away, The Young Lady did say, "Now you've gone and done it, dog-gone it!"
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IndexAs a Valentine message, young Bonnet, Having failed at composing a sonnet, Drew his girlfriend a card That the censors have barred; Both a heart and a hardon are on it!
book - see bass
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IndexAn irate young lady named Booker, Told her husband, "You beast! I'm no hooker! If you want it queer ways, Go to whores for your lays!" So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
A dirty old hasher named Booker, Was looking for a perverted hooker. He found a vision in satin Who knew Greek but no Latin, So up the Hershey highway he took her.
Boolong - see Boulogne
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IndexThe up-to-date baby boomer, When faced with a cancerous tumor, Eats raw shark and green tea, Grape seed, vitamin C, And develops a dark sense of humor.
Double Limerick
As he stood in their shop, Mr Boosey, Was approached by his partner , one Hawkes, Saying: 'Please, I don't wish to sound choosey, But the whole of the music trade baulks At your off-putting surname - It's more of a slur-name - With gross connotations Of beery libations, Evoking some four-ale bar floozie, And the Freudian popping of corks.
boost - see seek
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Index'Twas the thirteenth, and Friday to boot, When he first wore his new Pucci suit. And before the next morn, It was tattered and torn, But his girl thought his root was still cute.
Last Christmas, when Puss was in Boots, He met a young Tabby called Toots; They looked at a condom, But found it beyond 'em, So what do you bet on the fruits?
A rapist who reeked of cheap booze, Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. She cried, "I suppose There's no time for my clothes, But please let me take off my shoes.
A Newscaster who's Plastered
An anchorman fond of his booze, Was arrested while reading the news. "They're treating me bad." He said, "All that I had Was just one tini many martoos."
The girls who call home Bora-Bora Might live midst the fauna and flora, But there're always some catches, They've got teeth in their snatches, Which will make you get sorer and sorer.
The was an Old Man on the Border, Who lived in the utmost disorder; He danced with the Cat, And made tea in his Hat, Which vexed all the folks on the Border.
The opera's a terrible bore That Carmen's no more than a whore. Snored through Rigoletto (Forgot the libretto) And what's that darned racket, the score?
A lesbian girl from Bordeaux Kept a two-ended dildo for show; But the actual one That she used for her fun Was a Japanese rubber big toe.
A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux Fell in love with a dashing young beau. To arrest his regard She would squat in the yard And appealingly pee in the snow.
There was a young girl from Bordeaux, Whose mother said, "Always say no!" But the girl said "No," after The fun when, with laughter, She'd screwed her good friend, Pierrot.
A clumsy young clod from Bordeaux, Was fucking a girl in St. Lo. They fell from her rack; He stepped on her crack. Now he's nursing clap of the toe.
A madam who ran a bordello, Put cum in her pineapple jello, For the rich sexy taste, And not wanting to waste, That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
Young Sadie keeps books at bordellos, And she's sore as can be at the fellows. All the others turn tricks, Get their fill of men's pricks, But Sadie just gets polite hellos.
Said Miss Atkins, "Young man, you're a bore! I don't mind your smashing my door, And just forging ahead Without a word said, But why always here on the floor!"
bore - see sore
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IndexBeware the limerick bore; From a seemingly infinite store He trots out more verse, Where the scansion gets worse, But the subject's the same as before.
New York's Marv Albert was bored It had been much too long since he'd scored But a hotel room tryst Surely gives a new twist To the "Albert Achievement Award" Marv Albert is in court today. 'Not Guilty' is what he did say. His lawyer, Roy Black, Is far from a hack. Some blood he will draw, not just pay. The plaintiff, Roy surely will press: 'Just why were you out of your dress? Marv's taste may be bent, But did you consent?' Then Marv will blurt out with a "Yessssssssss!' Old Marv says he'll never confess To tearing or biting her dress. To avoid total waste, He said, "here, have a taste" She refused, but Marv answered, "Yessssss!" Proceedings have come to an end. We all know which way Marv does bend. From his guilty plea, We've now come to see, He 's starting no new fashion trend. 'Twas said by a gal, just for starters, That Marv wore some panties and garters. When forced by that lug, She lifted his *rug*. That Tex gal was one of his martyrs. For one month we now have to wait, 'Til the judge tells poor Marv his fate. I'd venture a guess, He'll not shout out *Yessssssssssss!" His network might show him the gate. Poor Marv must have really been smitten With his hot little horny sex kitten But ill bet that the guy From now on is twice shy Though its she who has been once bitten. Marv Albert was sentenced today, Contrite for his bit of rough play. From court he did sail, Not sentenced to jail, If he sees a head shrink right away. Said the shrink to poor Marv "Take a seat Your problem is easily beat Post hypnotic suggestion You'll learn in one session The back ain't the part that you eat!"
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IndexAdvice to a cow
If charging clowns lead you to boredom, And matadors gripe when you gore them, Consider a change; Try life on the range, And if cowboys intrude, just ignore them.
bores - see breasts
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IndexA mathematician name Boris Had a wife with a wonderful clitoris. He charged a small fee For his colleagues to see That it was made in the shape of a torus.
A young Russian rake named Boris, Fell in love with a stuffed brontosaurus. Each night you could see him In the Moscow Museum Caressing that Stone-age clitoris.
A randy topologist, Boris, Seduced a young virgin named Doris. He increased her genus By thrusting his penis - Her maidenhead's plane's now a torus.
A Swedish whoremonger named Bork Had a seven foot tongue like a fork. Four tarts he'd array Like sardines on a tray And concurrently do clitty torque.
There once was a young man from Borneo, Who said to his girl friend, "Why scorn me so? I may run around bare Covered only with hair, But have you had a guy near as horney? No!
There was a young friar name Borrow, Who eloped with two nuns to his sorrow. They lived on an isthmus, And one he called Christmas, And the other he hcristened Tomorrow.
Two beauties who dwelt by the Bosphorous, Had eyes that were brighter that phosphorous. The Sultan called, "Troth! I'll marry you both!" But they laughed, "I'm afraid you must tossphorous.
There once were two whores from the Bosphorus, Who declared, "The men are all for us. And the light is so dim, They can't see to get in." So they painted their privates with phosphorous.
There was a young fellow from Boston Who rode around in an Austin. There was room for his ass And a gallon of gas, But his balls hung outside, and he lost 'em.
There was a young lady from Boston, Who thought she was raped in an Austin, But the truth is, my dears, She sat on the gears, And a traffic cop kicked the exhaust in.
STIFF UPPER
A nice tweedy chap named Henry Bottom Leads the boy's choir of old St. Totham. His composers preferred Are Victoria and Byrd, And he favors the pleasures of Sodom.
There was a young fellow named Bouch, Who inveigled a girl to a couch. He said, "Pretty young miss, I will take you, I wiss, Horizontally, vertically, crouch."
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IndexA young writer of verses named Bough, Ate the Loaf, drained the jug, then yelled, "Thou, Makest my life a mess, Singing in the wilderness, Hush, love, Thou'st spoiled Paradise enow."
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IndexThere was a young redskin, Strong Bough, Who had fucked squaw, moose, snake, and cow. When he first saw a mermaid, The remark he to her made, Was simply, and wonderfully, "How?"
There was an Old Man of Boulak, Who sate on a Crocodile's back; But they said, 'Tow'rds the night, he may probably bite, Which might vex you, Old Man of Boulak!'
There was a young dumpling from Boulder, Who loved to ride dear daddy's shoulder. Dad, at first, thought it fun. Then she turned twenty-one, And he thought she should know - so he told her.
A boastful blonde virgin from Boulder, Swore no man on earth had yet rolled her. She was therefore dismayed, When her charms were displayed On the front of the summer school folder.
There was an old man of [Boolong | Boulogne],
Who [frightened the birds with his |
sang a most topical] song;
It wasn't the words
Which frightened the birds
But the terrible 'dooble ong-tong'.
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Indexlegousi geronta Bouloggon adein topikwtaton fqoggon ouc os ebohse korakas efobhse all uponohma diloggon.
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Indexbounced - see stone
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IndexThe senator was drinking bourbon Vodka, Scotch whisky and gin. He made a mistake, Drove his car in a lake But man, but that bugger could swim!
A Kentucky-bound author named Bourne, Whose style often savored of scorn, Soon inscribed in his journals, "Here the corn's full of kernels, And the Colonels are all full of corn.
There was an Old Person of Bow, Whom nobody happened to know; So they gave him some soap, and said coldly, 'We hope You will go back directly to Bow!'
There was a young fellow named Bowen Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. It grew so tremendous, So long and so pendulous, 'Twas no good for fuckin', just showin'.
There was a young lady named Bower, Who dwelt in an ivory tower. But a poet from Perth, Laid her flat on the earth, And proceeded with penis to plough her.
There once was a guy named Bower, Whose tool had such sexual power, That when it erected He had it perfected To stay hard when he took a cold shower!
There was a young Russian named Bowski, Who called his apartment his howski. His gum he called chewski, His cow, moo-moo-mooski, And his little dog, bow-wow-wow-wowski.
boy - see Venus
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IndexHis sweetheart so deftly scratched Boyd, As to render him sexually void. She is now serving time For the heinous crime, Of using the nails to de-Freud.
Il y avait un jeune homme de Boyer Qui fabrique une machine à futoyer. Concave ou convexe, Pour plaire aux deux sexes, Et extremeement simple à nettoyer.
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IndexThere was an old fellow named Boze, Who fucked a young kid in the nose. Sex needs, he admits, A choice of two slits: Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose!
There was a young lady of Brabant, Who slept with an impotent savant. She admitted: 'We shouldn't, But it turned out [he | you] couldn't, So you can't say we have, when we haven't.'
Said a learned old man of Brabant, "The instinct, my dear, is extant: The extension's extinct. Or to be more succinct: I would if I could, but I can't."
Though the invalid Saint of Brac Lay all of his life on his back, His wife got her share, And the pilgrims now stare At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
You don't show suspenders or {}
When dressed up for Jockey Clu{};
But items like these
May drop to your knees
While engaging in loving em{}.
The use of a comma or bracket Will put word or phrase in a packet, But the comma, it's known, Can get by all alone, Where the bracket needs one more to back it.
A young trapeze artist named Bract Is faced by a very [sad | grim] fact. Imagine his pain When, again and again, He catches his wife in the act!
There was an Old Person of Bradley Who sang all so loudly and sadly; With a poker and tongs, He beat time to his songs, That melodious Old Person of Bradley.
A soldier who's stationed at Bragg, Confirmed that he was a fag. One night he drank heavily, And showed up for revilly, The following day in full drag.
To manage to keep up a brain, Is no easy job, it is plain. That's why a great many Don't ever use any, Thus avoiding the care and the strain.
One man combining brawn and brain - For Indians, complete disdain - One man who would not quit; One man who had true grit; The hero of the West, John Wayne.
There was a young curate whose brain, Was deranged from the use of cocaine. He lured a small child To a copse dark and wild, Where he beat it to death with his cane.
brain - see spun
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Indexbran - see cheater
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IndexCutsie Blanche used to work at a branch Of a multispread corporate ranch. When she rode there by truck, She'd submit to a fuck, So that truckers lined up to cart Blanche.
A squeamish young fellow named Brand, Thought caressing his penis was grand. But he viewed with distaste The gelatinous paste That it left in the palm of his hand.
There was a young lady named Brandon, Whose feet were to narrow to stand on. So she stood on her head, 'Til the day she was wed, Renowned for her reckless abandon.
Said a foolish old lecher named Brannigan: "My dear, I don't think I can again. That dozen last night Were just a delight, But lord knows when I'll be a man again."
A would-be circumnavigator, Branson Owned jumbojets you'd lose elephants on But he, being a loon, Tried to go by balloon And was glad to escape with his pants on.
A lady, both callous and brash Met a man with a vast black moustache. She cried, "Shave it, please do! And I'll put it with glue And wear it as a sort of panache."
Let's hope that the sheiks' being brash Won't inspire women's lib to be rash. Though a shortage of gas Is a pain in the ass, Just imagine - a shortage of gash!
brash - see chums
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IndexSaid a thoughtful young stud of Brasilia, "One orgasmic spasm would fillya. So I'll just let the rest Gush out on your chest. If I shoot it inside, it'd killya."
On the Gulf, the Iraqi top brass Keep watch on all warships that pass. They can tell, sure as shit, That a frigate's a Brit If a price-tag's affixed to its arse.
MAUVAISE FOI
A young Semite named Abraham Braudis Hated Victimae Paschali Laudes 'It's unfair to the Jews' Quoth the lad, 'and I choose To protest.' Now he works for the Saudis.
You've heard of the Vicar of Bray: [Well, he made a false | Who [fashioned | modelled] a] cunt out of clay; But the heat of his prick Turned [the clay into | it into a] brick, And [rubbed | chafed | wore] all his foreskin away.
There was a young lady of Bray Who tried a new-fangled spray She said, "Ah that's better" As she brought down a [French] letter That had been there since Armistice Day.
An indolent vicar of Bray His roses allowed to decay. His wife more alert, Bought a powerful squirt And said to her spouse, 'Let us spray.'
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IndexThere was a gay Countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when I say, That is spite of high station, Rank and education, She always spelt Cunt with a K.
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IndexOn a weekend with Countess de Bray, We beguiled a most tedious day, By sketching a penis, On a Titian Venus, And a beard on a nude by Monet.
There was an Old Person of Bray, Who sang through the whole of the day To his ducks and his pigs, whom he fed upon figs, That valuable person of Bray.
A designer of fences can braze A rampart that ably allays Dog's desires to roam Or to wander from home, And his company's called "Gates & Strays."
There was a young chip from Brazil Who fucked like a veritable mill. There was never a whore, When she'd finished her chore, More prompt to present you her bill.
A peculiar young priest from Brazil Had a mistress who knew how to trill. 'Twas a large blonde soprano From La Scala, Milano, And she hiccupped to augment the thrill.
A miner who bored in Brazil, Found some very strange rust on his drill. He thought it a joke, 'Till the bloody thing broke - Now his tailings are practically nil.
There was a seductive Brazilian Who tinted her twat bright vermilion. Admiring her work, She said with a smirk, "That cunt, she is one in a million!"
There was a young fellow named Bream, Who never had [dreamt | had] a wet dream. For when lacking a whore, He'd just bore out the core Of an apple, and fuck it through cream.
A young maiden who had a third breast Always kept her hand close to her chest, And I promised her well That I never would tell. (Write me privately. Name on request.)
Limericks about breasts
Links:
IndexDouble Exposure
I once knew two sisters whose breasts Were flashed to their wonder-struck guests. A policeman was called And the young chap, enthralled, Was dazzled and made no arrests. Delicious! ... Quadruple big breasts! But who, may I ask, of those guests Called in the vice squad? Which virtuous clod? A pox on such Puritan pests! I'll bet it was one of those bores Who live down the stree, (just two doors) Who, if you please, Sport thirty-two B's While the sisters have firm forty-fours.
If you like your suits double breasted, Get one tailored like I have suggested. Make sure that it fits, Snugly over both tits, To keep you from getting arrested.
There was a strange fellow called Brecht, Whose penis was seldom erect. When his wife heard him humming She knew he was coming, On account of the Doppler effect.
bred - see biography
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IndexThere was an Old Person of Bree, Who frequented the depths of the sea; She nurs'd the small fishes, and washed all the dishes, And swam back again into Bree.
A sex-loving coed named Bree, Caught the clap from her Apple IIe. The joystick, she found, Had been fooling around With a neighboring student's PC.
A maiden at college [named | Miss] Breeze, Weighed down by B.A.'s and Lit.D.'s, Collapsed from the strain. [Alas, it was | Said the Doctor, "It's] plain [She was | You're] killing herself by degrees.
A lady who jogged in the breeze Had bosoms that flapped to her knees. Said she, "They're quite warm, Keep me dry in a storm, When it snows, I use them for skis."
Breeze - see Dumfries
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IndexBreeze - see Graces
Links:
IndexThe contest for farting at Brelle, Was won by a lady named Nell. She won the diploma For foul aroma, When two judges died from the smell.
So well stacked was a freshman named Brenda That the studs yearned to part her pudenda. So they all were irate When her first campus date Wasn't Tom, Dick or Harry - but Glenda!
A joyful young lady named Brenda Was born with a double pudenda. This made her so rigorous, You had to be vigorous, Or you couldn't get on her agenda.
There was a young fellow from Brent Whose tool was all twisted and bent. To save himself trouble He put it in double And, instead of coming, he went.
Links:
IndexThere was a young lady of Brent Whose old man' pecker got bent. She said with a sigh, "Oh, why must it die? Let's fill it with Portland Cement."
There was a young lady named Brent, With a cunt of enormous extent, And so deep and so wide, The acoustics inside Were so good you could hear when you spent.
There was a young lady named Brent, Who upon a divorce was hell-bent. "Life has been fine," She said, "Sex divine!" 'Til her husband got indifferent.
An uptight young lady named Breerley Who valued her morals too dearly, Had sex, so I hear, Only once every year, And she strained her vagina severely.
There once was an old man of Brest Who was always funnily dressed: Who wore gloves on his nose, And a hat on his toes, And a boot in the middle of his chest.
There was a young woman of Brest, Who had a magnificent chest. When asked if she posed With her nipples exposed, She said, "Also all of the rest."
There was an old fellow of Brest, Who sucked off his wife with great zest. Despite her great yowls, He sucked out her bowels, And spat then all over her chest.
There was a young Bishop of Brest, Who openly practiced incest. "My sisters and nieces Are all dandy pieces, And they don't cost a cent," he confessed.
There was a young lady from Brest, Whom the Curate once put to the test, By letting her see, How bleak sin could be, But she wasn't the least bit impressed.
There was an old fellow from Brest, Who openly practiced incest. "My sisters and nieces Are all dandy pieces, And they don't cost a cent," he confessed.
The fearless old Bishop of Brest, Put his faith in the Lord to the test. He fucked whores in the apse With chancres and claps, But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
There once was a fellow named Brett Loved a girl in his shiny Corvette; We know it's absurd But the last that we heard They hadn't untangled them yet.
Links:
Indexbrew - see slew
Links:
IndexAfter tippling two six-packs of brew, Willie staggered and swayed to the zoo. His bestial ways Caused gossip for days, For he ravished a she-kangaroo.
There was a young man named Brewer, Whose girl made her home in a sewer. Thus he, the poor soul, Could get into her hole, And still not be able to screw her.
There was a young lady named Brewer, Who said that nobody could screw her. Along came a fink With a cast-iron dink, And rammed himself all the way through her.
D'EGOUT
A municipal worker, Priss Brewer Played her New Age tapes - loud - in the sewer. As the celtic harps roared Her co-workers, quite bored, Shoveled shit on her boombox. That threw her.
There was a young fellow named Brewster Who said to his wife as he goosed her, 'It used to be grand But just look at my hand; You ain't wiping as clean as you used to.'
Brewster - see Worcester
Links:
IndexA pious old lady of Brewster, Forgave all who'd ever abused her, But flew into a rage, Time could not assuage, When she thought of one cad who'd refused her.
There was an old lady of Brewster, Who would mutter whenever I goosed her, "You're loosing the knack, And you're missing the crack, 'Cause it don't feel as good as it use-ter."
[There was a young trucker named Briard | A trucker by the name of McBired,] [Who had | Had] a young whore that he hired To fuck when not trucking, But trucking plus fucking Got him so fucking tired he got fired.
A leprous old bastard named Brice, Had balls that were spotted like dice. They were worthless as could be, In the way that balls should be, But a wonderful gambling device.
Day by day, line by line, brick by brick. Grows in space and in time Limerick. At this place even crime Must be fulfiled with rhyme And sometimes you must give it some stick.
Bricken - see Benares
Links:
IndexAnother young lady named Brickley, The hair on her crotch sprouted thickly. She made dates in advance To give suitors a chance, For they never could find it too quickly.
Maud Fitzgerald
[A delighted incredulous | Did you hear of the musical] bride [Remarked | Who said] to the groom at her side: 'I never could quite Believe till tonight Our [anatomies | two instruments] would coincide.'
There once was a sea captain's bride Who fell in the bay at low tide. You could tell from her squeals That the salt water eels Had found a new dark place to hide.
There once was a sensitive bride, Who ran when the groom was espied. When she looked at his swiver, They had to revive her, But when he got it well in, she just sighed.
Daily Ditty 96 Sunday, 21 September 1997
"I'm a virgin, of course," sighed the bride "You're the first, you can say that with pride." But the groom was revolted, His pride badly jolted, When he found a man's wristwatch inside.
Links:
IndexSaid the groom to the blushing young bride, "There is something I have to confide: At the height of my passion I prefer it dog-fashion, So bend over and pooch out your back-side!"
There was a young coed named Bridget, Wore skirts far too short for a midget. Every lad in the class Knew the map of her ass, And each crease and crevass of her twidget.
A nervous six-footer named Bridget, Would wiggle and giggle and fidget, But she knew perfect peace, And psychic release, When she found true romance with a midget. (nose to nose, his toes was in it, and vice versa)
A penurious Frenchman named Brie, Had monkey glands put in for free. Now his smile is quite bright, For he spends every night Making love while he swings from a tree.
There was an old man of Brienz The length of whose cock was immense; With one swerve he could plug A boy's bottom in Zug, And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
Bryerder - see Briard
Links:
IndexThere once was a discreet Brigadier, Very fond of Four Thousand a year, Who, when he heard the guns rattle, Fiercely cried: "Ha! The battle!" Then complacently slid to the rear.
There was a young lady named [Bright | Blight] Whose speed was far faster than light She went out one day, In a relative way, And returned the previous night.
Links:
IndexNo fellow could fuck with Miss Bright, For it seems that her cunt was too tight. So she called her retriever, Who sniffed up her beaver, And he licked on her pussy all night.
There was a young couple named Bright Whose fucking was faster than light They went at it one day In a relative way And came on the previous night.
Links:
IndexThere was a young lady named Bright, Whose passions were faster that light. She set her dildo To 'Medium Slow' And creamed on the walls half the night.
A pallid young lady named Bright, Went to Spain on a cheap charter flight, Where the sun overhead Turned her skin a bright red, Except for her ass which stayed white.
Then there was Benjamin Bright, A contestant on "What's my Delight? They guessed at his habits With little white rabbits, But were stumped by his mouse and his kite.
A computer who thought he was bright, Ray-traced a companion one night. The result, so it seems, Was the girl of his dreams, Now nothing he does is quite right.
Daily Ditty 104 Monday, 28 September
At the whorehouse the homely Miss Bright Tallied tricks that went clear out of sight Her outstanding feature: This former schoolteacher Made you practice 'till you got it RIGHT!
Links:
Indexbright - see Benares
Links:
IndexThere was a young sailor from Brighton [Who remarked | Said] to his [girl | bird], 'You're a tight one.' She replied, '''Pon my soul, You're in the wrong hole; There's plenty of room in the right one.'
There was a brave damsel of Brighton Whom nothing could possibly frighten. She plunged in the sea And with infinite glee Was [fucked in the ass by a | pinched by a playful old] Triton
There was a young lady named Brigid, Who everyone thought was quite frigid. But a passionate Celt Made her reticence melt, And with passion our Brigid grew rigid!
There was a young lady called Brigid, Whose sex life was apt to be frigid. So they used to begin With a bottle of gin, Till the boyfriend (not Brigid) was rigid.
There was an Old Person of Brigg, Who purchased no end of a wig; So that only his nose, and the end of his toes, Could be seen when he walked about Brigg.
There was an Old Person of Brill, Who purchased a Shirt with a Frill; But they said, "Don't you wish You mayn't look like a fish, You obsequious Old Person of Brill?"
You know what verbosity brings? "Unclear, inarticulate things." This was said knowingly, By our former VP For of gaffes, Quayle's the King Of All Kings.
A plumber whose name was Tom Brink, Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. Her resistance was stout, And Tom Brink petered out, With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
brink - see Engineer
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IndexPerforming his thirty-third bris, The moyl gave the shmeckel a 'kiss'. With chin-whiskers bloody, He said to his buddy, "I'm glad that the kid didn't piss!"
Briseis - see Achilles
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IndexA young go-go dancer named Briscoe, Just loved to show off at the disco. Once she danced the can-can, While eating a SPAM, All the way from Las Vegas to Frisco.
Performing his thirty-third briss, The rabbi ate what he missed. He downed it with cheddar, And said it was better Than umbilical cords smothered with swiss.
The busty display of Miss Bristol Gets the fellows as hot as a pistol. Her plastic bikini Is terribly weeny, And her reason's transparent as crystal.
There was an Archdeacon of Bristol, Who murdered nis niece with a pistol. Said he, "I can't bear Your absurdly cropped hair, And your listening-in with a crystal."
There was a young lady from Bristol, Who went to the Palace called Crystal. Said she, "It's all glass, And as round as my ass." And she farted as loud as a pistol.
An elderly sage of B'nai B'rith, Told his friend he was quite full of pith. This could mean "full of fact" and "With meaning compact," But not when you're lithping like thith.
Britain - see chagrin
Links:
IndexA progressive young lass from Great Britain Devised some new rules for badminton. She required every jock To shuttle his cock To the place it was made to be fit in.
There once was a woman from Britain, Who's pussy was as soft as a kitten. When winter came round she quite quickly found, That her twat made quite a nice mitten!
For his birthday, a chap from Great Britain, Was given a rocker to sit in; A knob on his door, A brass cuspidor, And a blue chamberpot, just to shit in.
Sir Charles, a pompous old Briton, Was friends with Sir Ed Bulwer-Lytton. Chuck gave him some light On a dark, stormy night, Now the worst lines of all can be written.
Sir Charles, a pompous old Briton, Worked quietly in Lytton. When one day he did strike, A big ugly dyke, Since then he has been quite smitten.
A dyslexic reporter named Britt Submitted the following bit: "The Cubs won the game, Put the poor Reds to shame. Reds no errors, no runs, no shit.'
The music of Benjamin Britten Must surely find favour with Kit 'n The widow, a scream Of a comedy team. His cabaret songs ought to fit 'em.
DE GUSTIBUS
Pinkas Z., a violinist with broad Tone and fingers quite nimble cried "Fraud!" When he heard Ludwig van At 430. He then Played his versions of Mozart. We snored.
"Take a bow," said the actor from Broadway. "You were always supreme at the swordplay: Except for the time When you pinioned Lord Syme, After cutting his cock off in horseplay."
There was a young gambler named Brock, who ordered a bundle of stock. The stockbroker fumbled; the stock market tumbled, And now Mr. Brock is in hock.
A long-peckered lecher named Brock Used a barrow to carry his cock. He has such massive balls, He can't go through halls, But must leave them at home under lock.
So here's this lewd fellow named Brock, Who loves to play golf with his cock. Its ungodly size Horrifies other guys, And gals shit their pants from sheer shock!
There was an Old Person of Bromley, Whose ways were not cheerful or comely; He sate in the dust, Eating Spiders and Crust, That unpleasing Old Person of Bromley.
There was a young girl from the Bronix, Who had a vagina of onyx. She had so much tsoris With her clitoris, She traded it in for a Packard.
There was a young man from the Bronx, Who when offered a piece said, "No thonx." He said, "I declare, I prefer solitaire, And all that I do is just yonx."
There was a young lady named Brook Who never could learn how to cook. But on a divan She could please any man - She knew every damn trick in the book!
A dyslexic ex-smoker named Brook Keeps some nasty old butts in a nook In a bucket of ice. And when bummers ask nice, he gives them a cold, dirty looK.
There was an old lady of Brooking, Who had a great genius for cooking. She could bake sixty pies All about the same size, And tell which was which without looking.
Brooklyn Heights - see Heights
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IndexIn Boston a sub-deb named Brooks Had a hobby of reading sex books. She married a Cabot Who looked like a rabbit And deftly lived up to his looks.
Links:
IndexAn English professor named Brooks Said: "Reviewing is not what it looks; Now I always choose To review the reviews Of the books about writers of books."
There's a charming young lady named Brooley, Who's often been screwed by yours truly. But now, it's appalllin', My balls always fall in! I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
Broom - see Bloom
Links:
IndexA lacklustre lady of Broom, Weaveth all night at her loom. Anon she doth blench When her lord and his wench, Pull a chain in the neighboring room.
An amoeba named Sam, and his brother Were having a drink with each other; In the midst of their quaffing, They split themselves laughing, And each of them now is a mother.
"O'Riley is dead," said his brother "He's out plowin' dirt", said his mother. "Nay, down at the pub," Said the boys in his club. "Drinking spirits or something-or-other."
Ghetto kids greet each other, "Ho brother! Man, you sure be one real ugly mother." They do petty crime And spend all their time Shooting heroin, fouls, and each other.
My genetically engineered brother Was created by some means or other. He has, between us No umbilicus, So he thereby rejects our dear mother.
brother - see rump
Links:
IndexA lacklustre lady of Brougham Weaveth all night at her [loom | lougham]. Anon she doth blench When her lord and his wench Pull a chain in the neighouring [room | rougham].
There is an old [fellow | maiden] named Brougham, Who reminds me of someone - but whom? If only I knew, I'd get both the two, Together some night, and I'd screw 'm.
Brougham - see Bloom
Links:
IndexThe Communist Party's Earl Browder Was fucking a girl in a howda. The elephant's trunk Somehow got in her cunt Which, they felt, made it terribly crowded.
An observant old codger named Browder Said, "Now, between bean soup and chowder, You'll find, my good friend, That bean soup - in the end - Will prove to be several times louder.
"Is Netscape the ultimate browser?" I wondered as I walked my schnauzer. But my schnauzer while browsing Found this poodle arousing - Bad Dog! He did more than arouse her!
An eccentric young poet named Brown, Raised up his embroidèred gown, To look for his peter, To beat it to metre, But fainted when none could be found.
There was a young lady named Brown Who taught her vagina to clown. It could nibble a plum And chew JuicyFruit gum, So her cunt was the freshest in town.
The once was a gangster named Brown, The wiliest bastard in town. He was caught by the G-men Shooting his semen Where the cops would all slip and fall down.
A highly bored damsel called Brown, Remarked as she laid herself down: 'I hate to be doing This promiscuous screwing, But what else can you do in this town?'
She was not ashamed, Murphy Brown, When Dan Quayle, speaking truth, put her down. They say he misspoke; The press made a joke, And some even called him a clown.
Daily Ditty 123 Saturday, 17 October 1997
My girlfriend has hair mousy brown And her looks will not win her renown Though her assets lie hidden They're not quite forbidden And the joys there wipe out any frown.
Links:
IndexThere once was a Gov. named J. Brown; To some, he was only a clown. As Gov, it would seem They called him Moonbeam, And now he's the talk of the town.
A fictional woman named Brown Made our Dan look a bit of a clown; Her fictional morals Caused factional quarrels: Would the ratings go up, or go down.
Unbeknownst to young Charlie Brown, His wife was out boinking the town. She came down with the clap And it caused quite a flap When she went back to Charlie, the clown.
There once was this woman named Browne. While bathing had a feeling profound. She actively rubbed Her little pink nub. Reached her peak! Went so weak! Damned near drowned!
A nasty young joker named Bruce Used to greet all his friends with a goose, Till it came to a stop In a handful of flop From some bowels that were terribly loose.
From this man, who is calling himself Bruce I look forward to hear an excuse For his horrible crimes Both of lacking of rhymes And of limerick meter abuse.
Links:
IndexAn insatiable satyr named Bruce Likes his women delightfully loose. He finds [them out dancing, | they're the kind] [And twisting and prancing, | It takes sniffing to find,] [And puts them to very good use. | But when found, they're put to good use.]
A slick talking pirate named Bruce, To steal code, had a plan to seduce An Apple II+. Now Bruce wears a truss, And was jailed for computer abuse.
There was a young lady named Bruce, Who captured her man by a ruse. She fill up her fuselage With a good grade of mucilage, And he never could pry himself loose.
That old Aussie hasher named Bruce, Had a dick that was really no use, But in bed with his Shiela, With his fingers he'd feel her, And his tongue would then lap up the juice.
A German composer named Bruckner Remarked to a lady while fuckener: "Less lento, my dear, With your cute little rear; I like a hot presto when muckener!"
There once was a Duchess of Bruges Whose cunt was incredibly huge. Said the King to his dame [As he thuderously came: | To this cow-cunted dame:] 'Mon Dieu! Après moi, le déluge!'
A middle-aged codger named Bruin Found his love-life completely a-ruin, For he flirted with flirts Wearing pants and no skirts, And he never got in for no screwin'.
Don't ever try screwin' a bruin, For while it may love what it's doin', It shoves with such force, Just like a stud horse, You're left with your cleft in a ruin!
bruit - see ratatouille
Links:
IndexDaily Ditty 117 Sunday, 12 October 1997
My girlfriend's a stunning brunette Who claims nobody got to her yet As we pet by the fire Building mutual desire - We'll soon remedy that, you can bet! My boyfriend thinks he's such a stud He really is such a crud If his ardor don't cool he'll be tossed in the pool And that oughta nip that in the bud!
Links:
IndexA Bavarian dame named Brunhilde, Went to bed with a jerry-built builder. The end of his john Was so badly put on, That is snapped in her bladder and killed her.
Brunhilde - see Hilda
Links:
Index
[An Argentine | A Peruvian |There was a young]
gaucho named Bruno
Once said, "[There | Screwing] is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine
And a sheep is divine -
But a llama's Numero Uno!"
A jolly young artist named Bruno, Went to sketch in the bright month of June-o, On the banks of the Nile, Where a huge crocodile Quickly tucked him away in his--you know!
A young Dutch pianist, Van Brunt At a flat dame's playing, took affront Said he "By gad!" "Her Bach's quite bad!" "But sheesh! Even worse is her FRONT!"
There was a young lady from Brussels Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. She could easily plex them And so interflex them As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
After drilling his choir in Brussels, Josquin loved gobbling hot mussels. Once done, quick as a pin, He'd depart from the inn Without paying. 'Twas one of his hustles.
His technique, Oh Boy!, it was brutal! To retrain him, she knew, would be futile. So she aimed for the tip, But the blade it did slip, And cut off the whole kit and caboodle.
Links:
IndexThere was an old [woman | maid] from Bruton, Who had the bad habit of pootin'. Her sphincter was weak, Her wind couldn't keep, This old spinster from Bruton was tootin'.
A seducer of houswives named Brutus Said, "Though the narrow denounce us and hoot us, What we can't abide, Ain't the jealous and snide; It's the small-minded husbands who shoot us!"
Double Limerick
A fiery young fellow called Bryant Was struck by a maiden called May, And though he was almost a giant, And she but a tiny thing, they Were very soon wedded For both were hot-headed, Her first name was Vesta, And once he possessed her She turned out agreeably pliant, And the match has survived to this day.
A frigid young lady named Bryce Thought sex just a low form of vice, Till she met Captain Baker, Who had sailed an icebreaker, And he plowed a wide path through her ice.
There was a young fellow named Bryce Whose life was devoted to vice. He shattered the morals Of thousands of gorrels, And never fucked anyone twice.
There was a fat lady of Bryde Whose shoelaces once came untied. She didn't dare stoop For fear she would poop, And she cried and she cried and she cried.
Bryde - see Ryde
Links:
IndexThere was a plump girl from Bryn Mawr Who committed a dreadful faux pas; She loosened a stay On her décolleté Thus exposing her je ne sais quoi.
Links:
IndexA girl while attending Bryn Mawr Was pinched by her low strapless bra, She loosened one wire - Whereupon the entire Dress fell, and left her quite raw.
Links:
IndexA lively young thing from Bryn Mawr, Was raped by an ape in the Bois. Picasso appeared, He coughed lightly and leered, "Carajo! C'est Matisse, par ma foi!"
Links:
IndexThere was a young girl from Bryn Mawr, Who carried politeness too far. "Don't look now," she said, With a tilt of her head, "But someone is stealing your car!"
Bryn Mawr - see Lahore
Links:
IndexThere was an old man from Bubungi, Whose balls were all covered with fungi. With his friends, out at lunch, He tore off a bunch, And said, "Now divide this among ye."
VICTORIA'S SECRET - (O MAGNUM POSTERIUM)
Tom Victoria, that old buccaneer Made a patented ladies' brassiere. For his girlfriend's derrière, He produced several pair Of lace panties - quite naughty and sheer. Victoria wrote from the heart, But this secret he ne'er would impart: He wore women's attire While rehearsing his choir! They felt smooth on his most private parts. The mass market for Tomas de Victoria Sometimes suffered from long moratoria, So he made secret stops At the lingerie shops And other titillating emporia. Oh Tomas Luis Victoria I really would like to hear more o'ya But down in the mall There are no disks at all So I'm here getting sorrier and sorrier. No more limericks re: Victoria! I can't say how much I abhor ya. The concept is odious. The style's unmelodious. I only wish I could ignore ya.
Links:
Index"Gracious me," said the Duke of Buccleuch, "I've been struck form the rolls of Who's Who! All because I was found Lying nude on the ground With my granny, and very nice, too!"
As a critic, the poet Buchanan Thinks Pseudo much safer than Anon. Into Maitland he shrunk, But the smell of the skunk Guides the shuddering nose to Buchanan.
The candidate Patrick Buchanan Is armed with the biblical canon. He preaches hellfire, So draws a crossfire. Even God cannot help Pat Buchanan.
Said the surgeon, "I drink, Mrs. Buck, So we're both of us really in luck. Since your sexual cavern Is as big as a tavern, What I plan is to nip...and then tuck."
An engaged young farmer named Buck, By his girl, was surprised with a duck. He said, "You may cry or howl, But I'm queer for all fowl. You must glue on feathers to fuck."
A passion-swept Seminole buck Wouldn't pay a red cent for a fuck. Shunned by Indian girls He resorted to squirrels, And in one extreme case, to a duck.
As a poet, a young man named Buck, Was utterly lacking in luck. He tried limericks lecherous, But found rhyming quite treacherous, And to rhyme "Buck" and "luck" left him stuck.
buck - see Cannuck
Links:
IndexWhile fucking an ostrich, young Buck Said, "They're ten times more fun than a duck. As you'll notice, Miss Moultrie, I'm queer for all poultry, So glue on some feathers - we'll fuck!"
Well, Newt, his book, and his bucks, And the southern-bred pigs that he fucks, Went to Capitol Hill To loll in the swill, And he says that its Clinton who sucks!
There was an old fellow named Bryan, Whose voice was for evermore cryin' 'Do you think that my shape Was derived from an ape? Well, I think Charlie Darwin was lyin'.'
[His Grace, the Archbishop | There was a young fellow] of Buckingham Wrote a treatise on [girls | cunts], and on [s|f]uckingham. But the Bishop of Wales Took the wind from his sails With another, on arseholes and [f|s]uckingham.
On the [bridge | bank] stood the [Bishop | young Duke] of Buckingham Thinking of [twats | tits] and of suckingham [And watching | While observing] the stunts Of the cunts in the punts And the tricks of the pricks [that | as] were fuckingham
There was a young Curate of Buckingham, [Who was blamed by the girls | When reproached by the nuns] for not fucking 'em. He said, "Though my [cock | dick] Is [as hard as a rock | sufficiently thick], Your [cunts are too slack | slits are poor fits]. Put a tuck in 'em."
There was an old Bishop of Buckingham, Fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. His wife, with disdain, Could scarcely restrain, The spritely old Bishop from fucking 'em.
There was an Old Person of Buda, Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder; Till at last, with a hammer, they silenced his clamour, By smashing that Person of Buda.
There was a young lady from Bude Who [went to a ball | walked down the street] in the nude; An [old man | bobby] said "Whattom agnificent bottom". And [smacked | slapped] it as hard as he could.
There was a young lady from Bude Who went to the flicks in the nude. But a man at the front Shouted "Cor! I smell cunt." Out loud; just like that; [How | bloody] rude.
Links:
IndexThere was an Old Person of Bude, Whose deportment was vicious and crude; He wore a large Ruff Of pale straw-coloured stuff, Which perplexed all the people of Bude.
There was a young virgin of Bude Whose tricks, though exciting, were viewed With distrust by the males For she'd fondle their rails, But never would let them intrude.
A naive young lady of Bude Had not seen a man in the nude; When a lewd fellow showed His all in the road, She did not know what to conclude.
There once was a Bishop of Bude, Who every so often got screwed. He might have atoned, If he'd only got stoned, But a Rev getting screwed, well, that's lewd.
A prudish young preacher in Bude, Who everything lewd had eschewed, Would gladly lie down With his wife in a gown, But thought it was rude in the nude.
budges - see Jeter
Links:
IndexA Simple Solution
The fellow in charge of the Budget Was arrested for plotting to fudge it. He happens to think, Since a budget's just ink, If you want to revise it, just smudge it.
Links:
Indexbudget - see mire
Links:
IndexBulgair - see Kildare
Links:
IndexMore
fonts! cried the Macintosh buffNo
matter how strange and how rough.It
seems such a shameTo
type two words the same,Though
sometimes enough is enough
Be Oi Berkshire? Be Oi buggery! Oi cumz down from Zarum Where all the whorez Wearz callico drawerz And Oi knowz how to tear 'm.
There once was this Scotsman, well built! His skirt was an old worn-out quilt. But a hole in the middle Solved the big riddle The Scots are bare-ass 'neath their kilts!
Queen Mary found Scotsmen are built With a truly remarkable tilt. To her royal surprise, Every member would rise Every time she reached under a kilt.
There was a young man of Bulgaria, Who [went for a piss | took down his pants] in an area; Said Mary to cook: "Oh do come and look. Did you ever see anything hairier?"
There once was a Queen of [Bulgaria | Bavaria], Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 'Till a Prince from [Peru | Baloo | Corfu] Who came up for a screw Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
Great archers and hitters of bull's-eyes, You wingers of wren's eyes and gull's eyes, Ulysses and Tell And Achilles as well, Where walk you now baring your skull's eyes?
A candidate known for his bulsh, Gave a speech so incredibly fulsh, That I give you my word, The like's not been heard, Since Harding, or maybe Cal Culsh.
No wonder that Lord Bulwer-Lytton With the penning of novels was smitten: Every morn is a trice His wife sucked him off twice - "The Coming Race" had to be written.
There's a certain erotic old bum, Whom no one can think of as dumb. At the end of a bout, When his prick is worn out, He shifts to the use of his thumb.
Reading basso from Clori's fair bum, Claudio M. would contentedly strum A theorbo in G. As she lifted her knee, He would cadence, and sigh. Then he'd come.
bummer - see Cager
Links:
Indexbun - see wide
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IndexI would like to say, Mr. Bunce, I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. And in all my lewd life, I've met none like your wife, So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
A lewd-minded dolly named Bunce, By nature endowed with two cunts, At night dreams and drools Of a man with two tools, Who could fuck both vaginas at once!
There was a young lady named Bunch, Who much loved to wriggle and scrunch. On the Citadel green, She was screwed by sixteen; Then she sucked off the Sergeant for lunch.
There once was a barber from Bundt Who'd leave little braids top and front. He's high in demand, And all 'cross the land, Renowned for his shaving of cunt. His sister.... A dresser of hair named Louise Could stylishly back-comb and tease A musky muff-thatch Or perm a whole snatch With a perky pink part sure to please. I knew a hairdresser called Claire, She trimmed up my thick pubic hair, She then asked if I, Wished her special blow dry... It's the best I've had yet, I declare. There once was a client who said "The hair on my head is quite Red!" "I wanted my swatch exactly to match whenever I get into bed." He promised to give it his all. He made an unusual house call. he brought her his dye and gave a good try but it all came off when they balled. His wife was astonished and said, "and WHY is your pubic hair RED?" "Well, I lost my grip when I went to zip and I think that it may well have bled!"
A man loved a gal named Bundy Who came from the Bay of Fundy. But to his despair, She gave him the air Sic transit gloria mundi.
There was a young lady named Bundy Who was fucked by a Belgian on Sunday. On Tuesday a Uhlan To her twat put his tool in - Sic transit gloria mundi.
bung - see ass
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IndexAn old Ozark farmer with bunions Supported his sore feet on trunnions. This let his dong dangle At just the right angle To use it for plowing the onions!
An elephant lay in his bunk; In slumber his chest rose and sunk. He snored and he snored, Till the jungle forks roared, And his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
The office brown-noser named Bunky Would claim he was nobody's flunky. But when the chips were all down, His proboscis was brown, And there hung many strands which were gunky.
There was a young harlot named Bunny Whose kisses were sweeter than honey; Her callers galore Would line up at the door To take turns in paying her money.
So love-starved at Christmas was Bunny, She hung mistletoe over her cunny. No man ever kissed her, A fact that quite pissed her, And made Bunny walk kind of funny.
A lady mountain-biker named Bunny Tells all her girl friends, "Honey, If you girls want a man, Ride your bike when you can: The odds are at least fifty to one-y!"
There was a young flapper named Bunny Who asked, "What is wrong with my cunny? I've tried fornication With men of each nation, But my twitchet's still itchy - it's funny."
Daily Ditty 35 Tuesday, 22 July 1997
Young Marsha is cute as a bunny She's bright and she's clever and funny But I've heard her to say In her bright sunny way "Look sonny, no money, no cunny!"Author's plea:
(I considered to be 'most as funny: "What, no money? How funny! 'Bye, Sonny!" Please, folks, help me out Or I'll whimper and pout, Tell me which one is more on the money) Your bunny jokes make me sick. The S.P.C.A., on you, they will pick. The feminists, too Will be after you 'Cause you didn't mention bunny dick. On reflection, your original verse, Of the two, is seemingly worse. The second's allusion To a celibate conclusion Makes no use of the feminine purse.
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IndexThe incomparable rabbit Bugs Bunny Made a vow that seemed strangely funny: "I'm swearing off carrots And instead eating [ferrets | parrots], So my pellets won't be quite so runny."
Buno - see Bruno
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IndexThere was a young lady called Bunty Who went for a ride in a punt. She Got caught on the pole - At the back - her arse-hole; And then at the front on her cunty.
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IndexAn old desert rat called Burdew, Came to town one day for a screw. He threw down a quarter And drawled out, "That orter Cover a quick poke or two." The madam looked very askance At the grime on his shirt and his pants, His scruffy grey beard, The eyes that went weird, And the odor that wasn't from France. "Old Fellow", she said with a grin, "For a quarter, I'll let you right in, To a room that's just ripe For a man of your type, And a gal that's ideal for your sin." The prospector's eyes went aglow, As the fires began burning below. His hands started shaking, And his knees were a-quaking. It was plain he was raring to go. So they led him out back of the place, To a shed with just enough space, For the fattest pink sow, He'd seen anyhow, With a sort of sweet smile on her face. Burdew shoved everyone aside, Slammed the door and was quickly astride His porky delight, Where he spent the whole night, In a passionate piggyback ride! At daybreak, Burdew poked his head Out of the tumbled-down shed, With a satisfied sigh, He said, "Miss Piggy and I Will be having our breakfast in bed."
It's hinted that great bureaucrats Are in favor of all kinds of frats Who help keeping tabs On the types they would stab But the public just say they are bats.
His neighbors all envy old Burke, The no-good and pot-bellied jerk. His young wife found life boring, So she spends her time whoring, And he can stay drunk and not work.
Of unstable morals, young Burke, Always sits on a park bench to jerk. To the idlers in shock, He waggles his cock, Saying, "Folks, it's more pleasure than work."
The morals of a fellow named Burke Brand him as a low sort of jerk. For he shits in the halls Of the homes where he calls, And scuffs it around with a smirk!
Burkitt - see wide
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IndexThere was a young man from Burley, Who went bald incredibly early. It made him so mad, Which was really sad, 'Cause his hair was so dark and so curly.
There once was this man named John Burls, Who was born without his two pearls. In his scrotum he made cuts Inserted two walnuts, And was chased round the block by two squirrels!
To his Queen said the circumspect Burleigh: 'It is true that you are old Harry's girlie, But if you meet Essex And do not suppress sex You'll be had by the short and the curly.'
A young dancer who worked in burlesque, Used to fuck in a manner mauresque. With her lover, she'd jibe So her ass would describe A shockingly cute arabesque.
There was a young fellow of Burma Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. But now that he's married he's Been using Cantharides And the root of their love is much firmer.
Daily Ditty 33 Sunday, 20 July 1997
WARNING! POLITICALLY INCORRECT CONTENT Roe vs. Wade You know lawyers just hate to get burned, So the cause of the fetus is spurned; They can't pay in advance So they haven't much chance Of getting the law overturned As the big wheels of justice grind slow Our mistrust of the system doth grow So let's all get active, Make the law retroactive, And apply to some people we knowMoral Leadership
Once I fretted when leaders would fail To show courage and morals less frail; Now I'll laugh on the day That the Pope says he's gay And the Prez issues vetos from jail!
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IndexThere once was an indigent bursar, Whose wife was a swearer and curser. So when she would start, To fume and to fart, He would the the fart bitch...and vice versa!
A whore on the railroad, Miss Burrage, The overtime screw would discourage. A conductor named Tiding Fucked too long on the siding, So she charged the old fellow demurrage.
Said an old taxidermist in Burrell, As he skillfully mounted a squirrel, 'This excess of tail is Obstructive to phallus; One's much better off with a girl.'
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IndexA fat-headed female named Burt Was an artist in sexual dirt. She devotedly shat In her shoes or her hat, And wiped her backside with her shirt.
There was an Old Person of Burton, Whose answers were rather uncertain; When they said, "How d'ye do?" He replied, "Who are you?" That distressing Old Person of Burton
There was a young lady called Burton, Who outraged the Fellows of Girton, By cycling to town Without wearing a gown, And, what's worse, without even a skirt on.
A gay student from Burton-le-Marsh Found German uncommonly harsh. But when he felt flirty He'd quote good old Goethe, Bellowing "Leck' mich im Arsch!"
The vicar of Burton-on-Trent Told his flock why they had to repent. But the shalts, shouldsts and oughtsts That enrobed all his thoughtsts Made it hard to see quite what he meant.
A barbarous critic from Burunda, Committed a grave social blunda, By having emissions, Before several Titians, In the Andrew J. Mellon rotunda.
When the sexton shall in a church-close bury The brilliant, the versatile Rosebery We shall say: Never one Of our statesman has done Such deeds as were not done by Rosebery.
Daily Ditty 85 Wednesday, 10 September 1997
As a kid when we rode on the bus Deep questions we'd often discuss: "Would it come off devine, Or just blow out her spine, If Superman did it with Lois?"
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IndexHandsome woman. Lovely Bust. Fine young fellow. Stirred-up lust. Babies' diapers. Bottom wipers. Years of struggle. Coffin. Dust.
There was a young girl with a bust Which roused a French cavalier's lust. She was since heard to say, About midnight, "Touchée! I didn't quite parry that thrust."
An effete young sailor named Buster, Had pricks in a multiple cluster. He could have an erection. In any direction, And afterwards serve as a duster.
A hustler rustled her bustle With her gluteus maximus muscle. And although quite quiet, Incited a riot- -ous clamorous amorous tussle.
There was a jolly butcher Who liv'd at Northern-fall-gate, He kept a stall At Leadenhall And got drunk at the Boy at Aldgate. He ran down Houndsditch reeling, At Bedlam he was frighted, He in Moorfields Besh-t his heels And at Hoxton he was wided.
There was a Young Lady of Bute, Who played on a silver-gilt flute; She played several jigs To her uncle's white pigs, That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
There was a young fellow named Butler, Who took out a girl to backscuttle 'er. She exclaimed: "Oh, What luck! I expected a fuck, But this is a bloody sight subtler."
A naughty old colonel of Butte Had a habit his friends thought was cutte. He'd slip off to Spokane And proceed from the train To a house of distinct ill reputte.
A dying old harlot of Butte Had logic one cannot refute. When a man offered five, The old whore came alive And she said, "I'm not prone to dispute."
There was a young fellow from Butte, Who married a girl who was mute. 'When she wants sex,' he said, 'And points to the bed, The signs that she makes are so cute.'
There was a young dandy of Butte, Who sported a bright purple suit. When they said, "It's too loud," He answered them, "How'd I look in a suit that is mute?"
Said a hairless young homo from Butte: "I detest being such a weird fruit." He was frequently stomped, So male hormones he chomped, And now he's an effete, hairy brute.
There was a young lady from Butte, Who acted a little too cute, Especially for A five-dollar whore In a house that lacked even repute.
At a flatulence contest in Butte, One lady's exertion was cute. It won the diploma For fetid aroma, And three judges were felled by the brute.
While smearing my partner with butter, She started to groan and to mutter: "Before you do ride me, I need some inside me!" So I greased up the shaft of my putter!
A beautiful Lady named Butts Was God, gas, grease, gamboge, and guts. The dairies of Dorset That bulged from her corset Were highly esteemed by the Knuts.
Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, Was to do what man normally does, She declared, 'I'm a Soul, Not a sexual goal -' So he shrugged and called someone who was.
by - see B.A.
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Indexby - see LaFey
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IndexA limeraiku
A limerick by My friend Cy, turned out to be More like a hai. Ku.
bye - see Chaldees
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IndexAN EPITAPH:
My name was George Gordon, Lord Byron. My prick was as hard as cast iron, Here alone I regret I'm not with that coquette My sister who screwed like a siren.
Byster - see Bicester
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IndexThere was a young friar of Byhill Who went up to shit on a high hill. When the abbot asked, 'Was it A goodly deposit?' He said, 'Vox et praeterea nihil.'
At the urinal old Mr. Byng Said a fairy was gumming his thing. But the man was a gent For the guy really meant: "I have seen the first swallow of spring!"
As he lay in his bath, mused Lord Byng, "Oh Blimy! What memories you bring! That gorgeous young trooper... No! No! Gladys Cooper! By Gad, sir! That was a near thing."
A newly-wed husband named Bynum, Asked his bride to please sixty-nine him. When she shook her head, He sighed and then said, "Well, if we can't lick 'em, let's join 'em."
There was a young chemist named Byrd, Had an urge that could not be deferred. So to irritate Knox, He shit in his socks, And plastered the walls with his turd.
There was a young lodger named Byrd, Who woke in the night. Had he heard Something stir? Was a hand, Softly fondling his gland? Yes, he had, and it was. 'Pon my word!
Mr Alan Jay Lerner (with by-play) Made Pygmalian less of a dry play; Seraph Shaw, near hysterics, On hearing his lyrics, Shocked Heaven with: 'Not bloody my play!'
Eight bits or two nibbles, a byte... It's like lunch. Hey that works! Well, it might. But bytes by the bunch, Make words. If that's lunch, Then machines eat their words, ain't that right?
Theodora, the Queen of Byzance, Is remembered for having hot pants. At one soirée de luxe, She took on three dukes, Two eunuchs, one ape, and four aunts.