The Art of Coarse Music
In a piano concerto in A The cadenza went sadly astray. Getting back via China, F blunt, G flat minor And stations from Slough on the way.
Her breast augmentation from "A" To size "F" was a windfall, they say. When things leaked, her friends chided, And soon she decided Give her ten mil and flat is O.K.
Whenever he got in a fury, a Schizophrenic from Upper Manchuria, Had pseudocyesis, Disdiadochokinesis, And haemotoporphyrimuria.
Both John Keats and Boccaccio tell a Sad tale about Isabella Who was worn to a frazzle Weeping over some basil That grew in the skull of her fella.
A limeraiku
In Arabia, baby, a Girl must get dust In her labia.
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IndexI went to a meeting for AA, To stand up and ask them to say If there's any hope, For my kind of dope, Who wants to stitch both night and day?
An avidly ambitious aardvark Commenced a career as a card shark; To the shouts of his foes When he dealt with his nose he said "smelling your ace was the hard part!"
There once was a young man named Aaron, At whom the ladies were starin'. He was tall, dark and tan, Quite the ladies man, Then he woke up.
Said a miserly peer at the Abbey, "I fear I shall look rather shabby, For I've replaced my ermine. Infested with vermin, With the fur of my dear defunct tabby."
There was an adulterous Abbot, As randy as any old rabbit; He'd even been known (Indeed, he was prone) With neighboring nuns to cohabit.
A novice was told by the Abbot: "Consider the goat and the rabbit. While they roll in the hay, You just stay home and pray. You've got to get out of the habit.
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IndexEuclid's Last (or Lost) Theorem
In a triangle called ABC, Pick a point on AB, call it P. Pick a Q on BC, Where BQ is BP. Ah the joys of pure geo-me-tree! On CA pick an R, oh please do, Where CR is exactly CQ, And now pick an S On AB, more or less, So that "AS is AR" is true. On BC the next letter is T, Where BT is BS, don't you see. On CA pick a U, And you'll know what to do, Next what's this? We've arrived back at P! Now some proofs were soon found close at hand, But it didn't turn out quite as planned, For though not very large (They would fit in the marg- in) regrettably, none of them scanned.
A faggot who called himself Abel Went cruising one day in a stable. A stud of a horse Fucked his ass with such force That his bowels blew out of his navel.
A young lady of fair Aberdeen, Drank gallons of boiling caffeine. Kept needing the loo Oh! What a to do! Inspired, dug a handy latrine.
There was a young lady of Aberdeen, Whose admirers were ever so keen To grab hold of a piece On a rent or a lease, Though she'd rather her intellect preen.
An old drunk from old Aberdeen, Saw witches and ghosts on Halloween. Couldn't sleep at night Such was his fright; Swore off booze, drank only gasoline.
There was a young man of Aberdeen Who on cycling and juggling was keen. One day he tried both Though his girl friend was loath; Changed his name overnight to 'Doreen'.
There was a young man from Aberdeen, Who as a cool dude tried to be seen. He walked the tight-wire, Juggling golf clubs of fire; Retired a frustrated has-been.
There was a young man from Aberdeen, Who invented a jerk[ing | -off] machine. On the twenty-[fifth | third] stroke The [God damn | fucking] thing broke, And beat [both] his balls [to a | into] cream.
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IndexAn heiress from Abergavenny, Had offers of marriage full many. She surveyed all the men, Very gravely, and then, Said, "Thanks, but I'm not having any."
Abersquith - see Aberystwyth
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IndexThere was a young girl of Aberystwyth, Who took grain to the mill to make grist with. The miller's son, Jack, Laid her on her back, And united the organs they pissed with. Remember those two of Aberystwyth, Who connected the things that they pissed with? She sat on his lap, But they both had the clap, And they cursed with the things that they kissed with.
A couple from old Aberystwyth, United the organs they kissed with; They enjoyed this sweet sharing, And did nothing more daring, And she said: 'You're a right one to tryst with.'
There was a young girl from Aberystwyth, Who screwed every man that she kissed with. She tickled the balls Of the men in the halls, And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
There was a young man from Aberystwith, Who said to the girl that he kissed with, "That hole in your crotch Is for fucking and such, And not just a gadget to piss with."
Aberystwith - see Bistwith
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IndexA Pair of Black Loafers
A pair of black loafers, abhorred, Are two rappers in total discord - An improvement might be Spell their rap with a "C" - Their names happen to be Boom and Roared.
To love her he just was not able For he found her to be quite unstable. Her faulty ingredient Made their parting expedient; Too bad girls don't come with a label.
Each Friday his engines abort, But Scotty is never caught short. He fills his machines With space-navy beans, And farts the ship back into port.
abound - see Benares
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IndexDon't gossip or bandy about That my cousin smells like Brussels sprout. His smell, I've opined, Does bring to my mind The smell of week-old sauerkraut.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi, So blind that he couldn't his foot see; When they said, "That's your toe!" He replied, "Is it so?" That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
A matron who favored abstention, Had breasts of unequal dimension. When woo'd by her hubby, She withheld the large bubby, Thus causing domestic dissension.
Her voice is so high it's absurd. It's so shrill that you can't hear a word. When she's something to say She starts running away So the pitch drops enough to be heard.
A [novelist | new dramatist] of the Absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard; I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word.
To Spooner, an "ism" absurd - It seemed that a very tall bird When it defecated, Perhaps constipated, Those watching would see a ball turd.
absurd - see Cannuck
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Indexabuse - see sorrow
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IndexThese Idiots with SPAM are abusin' A newsgroup I find most amusin' I'd fill up their shorts with explosives of sorts then laugh when they blew up in confusion. Your limerick is not lame It is the name of the game To even the score Fill the spammer with C4 Then we will not even remember their name.
Said a doctor in far Abyssinia, "From the grave I can't possibly win yer; I'm frightfully sorry, But the wheel of that lorry Has made such a big-abyss in yer !"
I fear I am accident-prone, Though not by the breakage of bone: I fall for a face - I've fallen from grace - Heart-broken, I do nothing but moan.
I once had a checking account And overdrew the amount. I had a bad day - The bank wouldn't pay - When I learned bouncing checks make a mount. Since then I've quit writing checks But notice the gov' smart alecks The lesson have spurned. They still haven't learned That rubber economy wrecks.
Said Mrs. Smith sadly, "J'accuse Mr. Smith of what does not amuse. He will start things all right Any time of the night, But almost at once blows his fuse."
The verse that was posted by Ace Fell instantly flat on its face The misspelling of lamb Can only be called ham It lacked humour, rhyming and pace.
Achaeans - see Achilles
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IndexThe Homeric young fighter Achilles, Was great with the fair Trojan fillies, But Paris said, "We'll Just aim at his heel." Now Achilles is pushing up lilies.
Limerick Iliadic
Sing, Goddess, the wrath of Achilles, Which gave the Achaeans the willies, And sent into Hades The numberless shades Of heroes laid under the lilies. Birds and doggies ate warriors, yea, To give Zeus in heaven his way: So zero in now And make the wild row Twixt King Ag. and Achilles your lay. . . Who was it started their quarrels? Apollo, the god with the laurels; Since Chryses they slighted The army was blighted And Ag. found his love-life in snarls. He came to the ships of th' Achaeans, Singing some prayers and some paeans; To ransom his daughter, He went all out and brought a Big ransom to the rash Europeans. Said Chryses "The god you will please If my dear daughter you would release, May you seize Priam's town, And win much renown, (And those are some good-looking greaves!) And then the Greeks cried out in favor To respect this entreating behavior, But Ag on that day Just sent him away With an order which made the priest quaver. Old Chryses was bad as his word He prayed, and Apollo he heard: So the god was displeased And the Argives diseased Because Ag. had done something absurd. Achilles and Aggie for Briseis engaged in some mighty fierce disses over who'd say he won her saved some of his honor, and got to enjoy all her kisses. To Achilles as he sat in his tent, Came an old king with clothing rent. Achilles said: "This guy Priam Is really like I am." So he finally agreed to relent.
Lady Di said, "This is absurd! [I'll show Charles just who | Charles always] has the last word!" So to shake up the Brits, She uncovered her tits And flipped the Queen Mother the bird!
When you sneeze and you cough and you're achin' And you feel that your body is breakin' Just try to recall It's still only Fall; Old man winter has yet to awaken.
LEUCIPPUSERICKS & DEMOCRITUSERICKS:
On the world-view these thinkers acknowledged, All internal distinction's abolished. Throughout the world's areas, Only two things are various: A thing's size, and how smoothly it's polished. What are "things" then? - the Atomists quiz you. There's no question more suited to busy you! Well, to answer the riddle: They're all hard and quite little. And whirling so fast it would dizzy you. For the Atomists - should we go back to 'm - There's just "atoms" surrounded by vacuum. What they're made of, your query is? That remains quite mysterious: They alone are what seemed to be fact to 'm. Thus the Atomist's favorite theme: Things are never the same as they seem. Be they smooth or more spiny, Since they're all very tiny, Human eyes aren't permitted to see 'm. As for "fact," when our senses inform us, The distortion's no less than enormous. For what's seen's (per this wisdom) Just our own nervous system, After hordes of those little things storm us.
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Indexacquirer - see sewer
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IndexThere was a young fellow of Acre, Who took off his hat to a Quaker. When the worthy man said, "You are very well bred", He replied, "Well, you see I'm a baker."
Some girls are all talk and no action, Giving men no satisfaction. They don't do dick, Have not touched a prick, So where is there any attraction?
A petite girl, when begged for some action, Told a guy with a nine inch attraction: "It would cause me dismay If you went all the way - But I'd settle," she smiled, "for a fraction."
Don Reilly, the world's greatest actor! His art! His use of M*x F*ct*r! This freshman sensation Induces elation Much better than my chiropractor.
There once was a handsome young actor; While filming he fell off a tractor. Though not in his script, He went to Egypt, To visit the Cairo-practor.
Our greatest American actor Is DeNiro and clearly a factor Behind this impression Is his deep obsession With being a pure malefactor.
A famous theatrical actress Placed best in the role of malefactress; Yet her home life was pure, Except, to be sure, A scandal or two just for practice.
A young taxidermist from Ada, Whose wife said he'd often betrayed her, Was sued for divorce For mounting a horse, A moose and a goose and a 'gator.
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IndexThere was a young man of Adair Who thought he would diddle a mare. He climbed up a ladder And jolly well had her, With his backside a-wave in the air.
There was a young man named Adair Who tried to go down on a bear, But the murderous brute Took a swing at the fruit And left nothing but buttons and hair.
A nearsighted voyeur named Adair, While peeping was struck by despair, Though his nose pressed to the glass, All he saw was blurred ass, And he couldn't see what went in where.
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam [Complacently stroking | Caressing the tits of | Disporting himself with | Stroking the thighs of | Caressing the rump | And played with the butt of | Fondling the breasts of] his madam, And loud was his mirth For he knew that on earth There were only two balls - and he had 'em.
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IndexA sultan named Abou ben [Adam | Adhem], Thus cautioned a travelling madam, "I suffer from crabs As do all us A-rabs," "It's alright," said the madam, "I've had 'em."
Double Limerick
The first of all people was Adam, And out of his ribs appeared Eve; Her primary task was to pad 'em, The pain of her birth to relieve. She fed him with fruit, And attempted a suit, But God said: 'How crude! Though you cease to be nude, Never hope, my unfortunate madam, Your apronless state to retrieve.'
Back in the days of old Adam, The grass served as mattress for madam. And they spent the whole day On the sex that today They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
An ardent debater named Adam Loved to yak on the phone to a madam. To be deprived of this pleasure Was a fear beyond measure, So you name the gadgets, he had 'em.
There was a young fellow named Adam, Who bedded a beautiful madam. Later on in the dark, She cried out "Oh, Mark", "Not Mark!" he cried: "madamimadam".
add - see Stein
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IndexOn Venus, where love's an addiction, An orgasm's brought on by friction Of toes against toes, Or nose against nose, And that's what I call science fiction.
The limerick, like drugs, is addictive, And it often is cruel and vindictive. Backed by laws that are bold It must needs be controlled By a doctor's prescription restrictive.
A beheaded limerick
A certain young pate who was addle Rode a horse he alleged to be saddle, But his gust which was dis, For his haps which were mis, Sent him back to his lac which was Cadil.
A Nelsonian captain addressed His men, on their duty, with zest. History doesn't teach What they thought of his speech, But we think most of them were impressed.
A whimsical Arab from Aden, His masculine member well laden, Cried, "Nuptual joy, When shared with a boy, Is better than melon or maiden."
There was a young fellow named Ades Whose favorite fruit was young maids. But sheep, nigger boys, whores, And the knot holes in doors Were by no means exempt from his raids.
A beheaded limerick
A chap who was so pose that was adi And the butt of such nage that was badi. He solved that was re Not to lay that was de In taking steps cal that were radi.
Dear Sarah bid hubby adieu 'Cos he's not the right man for you So shack up with me And soon we will see How long 'till you leave me, too.
admirers - see surmise
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IndexThe selection was tough, I admit, But it did not dismay him one bit, Then, with ass thrown aloft He suddenly coughed ... And collapsed in a shower of shit. (But it daunted our Spartan no whit) His bunghole was blown back to Sparta, Where they buried the rest of our farter. With a gravestone of turds Inscribed with the words, "To the Fine Art of Farting, a Martyr."
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IndexTheir ending was sad, we admit; Their organs were shattered and split. From the force that existed, Both their assholes were twisted And they died amongst spirals of shit.
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IndexA corn husker with seizures admits That a floozy with flux is the pits, But if one has the hots Banging broads with the trots Is no worse than to shuck between fits.
Golf is a game I adore, If only they didn't keep score. My drives go acurving, My putting's disturbing, And "Fuck!" gives no warning like "Fore!"
Two dykes from the far Adriatic, Decided to be more pragmatic, Having switched from mere handling To mutual candling - The result is they're waxing ecstatic.
Though at lying, my aunt is adroit, I don't see what she hopes to exploit. She claims she was "zood", In Kalamascrood, But I know it took place in Detroit.
There were two consenting adults, Who agreed that they would not repulse, One another's advances, But just take their chances, And accept the result - or results.
There once was a glider, Advanced, Who's antics resembled a dance. While not quite divergent, The trim was convergent, Somewhere near the seat-of-the-pants.
Without Remorse...?
A choirboy seeking advancement Must use artificial enhancement: A paring most cruel Near the Family Jewel For the talent of vocal entrancement. But sensible people must wonder - What's the purpose behind such a blunder? Why - so soon in life - Renounce every wife By rending one's assets asunder?
The Hardy Boys, on an adventure, Both wanted to land in her center. They opened her legs, Inserted their pegs, And debauched the young lass magenta!
Thank you all for the helpful advice Now my limericks sound much more nice Its all in the rhyming As well as the timing And choosing a subject of vice Does a limerick have to be crude Or simply insightful yet rude I prefer politics Over rhymes about d***s But perhaps I'm a bit of a prude So here's one I've posted before Poking fun at BC and Al Gore If you do not like it Then you're free to strike it And write me off now as a bore There once was Clinton named Bill Who lived up on Capitol Hill He sold out the White House And cheated on his spouse Then tore up his knee in a spill An orthopod fixed up the knee While the Senate checked out DNC Show me the money These numbers look funny Al Gore and your friend Hillary Thank you so much for your time As I close this rendition of rhyme I know its quite silly But alas, old slick Willie Makes making fun much more sublime Than dirty old men from Nantucket And phraseology rhyming with bucket That seems way too easy And oft makes some queasy Though admittedly all of us yuck it
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IndexThere was a young woman of Aenos Who came to our party as Venus. We told her how rude 'Twas to come there quite nude, And we brought her a leaf from the greenh'us
Sass Mäaut;delein unter den Aestchen Und spielt' mit dem Knäaut;bleinmäaut;stchen, Dem niedlichen Zweck - Bald is der Kranz weg: Blieb nichts davon nur das Käaut;stchen.
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IndexOne night a girl had an affair With a fellow all covered with hair. Then she picked up his hat And realized that She'd been had by Smoky the Bear.
He was glad he had begun this affair, As he bent her over the chair. With her legs spread apart, He could see that this tart Was his favorite dessert, his eclair.
affair - see tea
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IndexOne night a girl had an affair With a fellow all covered with hair. His enormous red whang Gave her a wonderful bang - She'd been diddled by Smokey the Bear.
A CLINTONERICK - A Gary Hart Recycle
"Miss Jones," Clinton said with affection, "Oh, please won't you lick my erection." But Paula, so silly, Misunderstood Billy And thought he said, "Wreck my re-election."
There was a man with an affinity For having his daughter's virginity, Who said, as he pressed her And finally possessed her: "To Hell with consanguinity!"
The Rajah of Afganistan Imported a Birmingham can Which he set as a throne On a great Buddha stone; But he crapped out of doors like a man.
How to Promote Tourism
In Texas a hunter afield Was arrested with weapon revealed. He was told: "While it's fun To carry a gun, The law says it must be concealed."
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IndexA sculptor remarked, "I'm afraid I have fallen in love with my trade. I'm too much elated With what I've created, And, chiefly, the women I've made."
In the spring I am always afraid For the honor of young man and maid. I tremble with dread Lest a lad be misled And I shudder to see one miss laid!
Here's to it, and through it, and to it again, To suck it, and screw it, and screw it again! So in with it, out with it, Lord work his will with it! Never a day we don't do it again.
I'll never get drunk again, For my head's full of pain, And it grieves me to think That by dint of good drink I should lie with my Phillis in vain.
She said, "There you go! False alarm again! You bally old bounder, get calm again! I once taught a starling To answer to 'Darling,' But I'm usually faithful to ptarmigan."
Daily Ditty 173 Sunday, 7 December 1997
Let's remember Pearl Harbor again And vow that we'll always make plain That we'll take no crap From Arab or Jap As we recently proved with Hussein ...
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IndexThe court hadn't seen in an age The king in so vicious a rage; For the queen, so she said, Went to read in her bed, Where the king found her stuck to a page.
All newspaper boardroom agenda Since Murdoch, have had some addenda; Must everyone plan For the dirty old man Who only wants female pudenda?
A challenge for many long ages Had baffled the savants and sages. Yet at last came the light: Seems old Fermat was right - To the margin add 200 pages.
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IndexThere's a very hot babe at the Aggies, Who's to men what to bulls a red flag is. The Seniors go round Hanging down to the ground, And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
aglow - see Burdew
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IndexDaily Ditty 150 Friday, 14 November, 1997
A dyslexic insomniac agnostic Lay awake thinking thoughts diagnostic With his mind in a fog Asking, "Is there a dog?" And other things nearly as caustic.
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Indexago - see mire
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IndexSome lives are so odd - you agree? Well worthy of biography. The limerick traces Their trials and disgraces - So different from you and from me.
It took me some time to agree To appear in a film about me, And my various ex-wives Detailing our sex lives, But I did - and they rated it G.
The ladies all had to agree That Mort's penis was too small to see. A whore named Louise Sniffed, "Who will that please?" Mort proudly submitted, "Just me!"
On Health Plans, most planners agree Expensive . . . and who'll pay the fee? The only sure bet Is who will forget Democracy's motto - WHY ME?
"Competition is keen, you'll agree," Said an ancient old [flapper from | hooker named] Dee. So she dyed her gray tresses, Chopped a foot [from | off] her dresses, And her reason you plainly can see.
You Women's Lib gals won't agree, But dependent on men you must be. You'll still need a him With a rod firm and trim, To puggle your water-drains free!
I think that most students agree, We really don't like chemistry. Homework...There's tons. And these seats hurt my buns, And we'd rather be watching TV.
Intelligent life, I agree Might have signalled deliberately. But before they said "Over" Their home star went nova And killed them, one million B.C.
Intelligent life, I agree
There's a fabric spelled A-I-D-A, That none of us know how to say. So we asked our sales clerk, 'Bout this hard verbal quirk, She said, "Buy linen, throw that shit away!"
Mourned a limerick written by Aiken, "Sometimes when at night I awaken, And think but for Lear, I wouldn't be here. O how by that thought I am shaken."
Exposing his plate to the air, Did its clever inventor declare: 'C'est venue - ma photo, Complète - in toto - C'est magnifique - "Je suis Daguerre!"'
Floating idly one day in the air, A circus performer named Blair, Tied a sizable rock To the end of his cock, And shattered a balcony chair.
air - see pre-Socratic
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IndexTeenage Joanie has arrogant airs, And her favorite expression's "Who cares?!" She is known for her lip And is rumored to rip All the DON'T REMOVE! tags from new chairs.
There is a young lady named Aird Whose bottom is always kept bared; When asked why, she pouts, And says the Boy Scouts All beg her to please Be Prepared.
The bride went up the aisle In traditional virginal style. But they say she was nary An innocent cherry, But a whore from the banks of the Nile.
On the day that she walked down the aisle, With love in her heart, she said, "I'll Stop flirting with Ned And break off with Ed, But I can't stop sleeping with Lisle."
A man in the battle of Aix, Had one nut and his cock shot [away | awaix]. But found out in this pickle, His nose could still tickle, Though he might get the snuffles some [day | daix].
There once were five guys named Al: Kane, Kene, Kyne, de Hyde and Cohol. Kane, Kene, Kyne were confused, Al Cohol was abused, And de Hyde was hung on de wall.
Went to the movies, alack! Took a front seat in the back. Fell down, Ah me! From the top balcony, And broke a big bone in my back.
A captain, exposed to alarms, And much given to shivers and qualms, Just couldn't keep warm On a boat in a storm, Without the first mate in his arms.
A doctor said sadly, "Alas! From the data that I can amass, What causes male droop - And I have all the poop - Is the feminine excess of ass."
There once was a girl from Alaska, Who [would fuck whenever you'd ask | could, and she would, if you asked] her. [But soon she grew | she thought she was] nice, [And went up in | so high was her] price, [And | That] no one could [touch | have] her [but | save] Jesus H. Christ [Or possibly | (And, occasionally,] John Jacob Astor.[)]
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IndexAlaska - see beer
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IndexThere once was a chef from Alaska Who cooked an unusual pasta Made from snakes and from worms It gave people the squirms So only his wife eats it, she hasta!
A Spaniard from old Albacete Once fucked fifteen goats on a bet-a. When asked how he felt, He hitched up his belt, And said, "I can't tell just as yet-a."
A vicious old whore of Albania Hated men with a terrible mania. With a twitch and a squirm She would hold back your sperm, And then roll on her face and disdain ya.
An intelligent whore from Albania, Read books and grew steadily brainier. Yet it wasn't her science, That brought her male clients, But her quite uncontrolled nymphomania.
On The Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Coleridge
No, listen, there's this albatross, I shot him, he wasn't half cross. He had the crew cursed, he Made us feel thirsty. I'm ancient now. Tragic, eh, boss?
A bastard who came from Alberta Said "My daddy is wanted for murder. And nor did he bother To tell my poor mother After nookie that he would desert her."
A trombonist from old Albuquerque Found his slide had gone terribly jerky. An inspection revealed Two oranges, peeled, Half a loaf and a10 kilo turkey.
Limericks about alcohol
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IndexThere was a young lady called Alice Who peed in a Catholic chalice. The padre agreed 'Twas done out of need And not out of [Protestant | sectarian] malice.
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IndexThere was a young lady named Alice, Who purchased a hard-rubber phallus. Since she learned its perfections, She shuns doctors' inspections. It is such an odd place for a callus.
[There was a young lady | A do-it-yourselfer] named Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus; [They found | She blew] her vagina [In | To] North Carolina And [[a bit | half | part] of her [ass down | pelvis] | her tits landed somewhere] in Dallas. A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. They found her vagina, In South Carolina, And part of her ass in Brazil.
There was a young lady named Alice, Whose ass was as big as a palace. Her dresses were tight, And she made quite a sight, To quicken the pulse of the callous.
When they asked a pert baggage named Alice, Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, "Was he modest or vain? Was he regal or plain?" She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
There was a young virgin named Alice, Who thought of her cunt as a chalice. One night, sleeping nude, She awoke feeling lewd, And found in her chalice, a phallus.
My semi-demented Aunt Alice Went to dine at the Archbishop's Palace; But she fell into sin, Drinking far too much gin And pissed in his second-best chalice. The Archbishop, surprised, said "O daughter! You have done what you shouldn't have oughter; And in cases like this, While we don't call it `piss', I'll be damned if it's quite `Holy Water'!
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IndexThere once was a singer named Alice Got a girl from his gig at the Palace His strong manly heart Stole the love of this tart Or was it his prehensile phallus?
There was a young showgirl named Alice, Could pick up loose coins with her phallus. But it couldn't make change, Which narrowed her range, And kept her from playing the Palace.
A dolly in Dallas named Alice, Whose overworked sex is all callous, Wore the foreskin away On uncircumsized Ray Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
A beheaded limerick
A dashing young fellow from Alder, Used to spiel such a pure like of folder- O-leary-o-lie, Our maid would near die. But time passed and his dash became balder.
Once a farmhand outside Alexander Attempted to goose a big gander. But the ganders got even - Shat all over Stephen! Moral: Don't rile a big gander's dander.
The bishop of Alexandretta Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her. So he thought he'd enshrine her As the Holy Vagina In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
There once was this girl named Alexis, Thought all big pricks came from Texas. But she made a mistake, When the man from Salt Lake, Filled her cunt with his "Pecker Erectus!"
A certain young lass of Algeria, Was reduced to loud wails of hysteria, When her escort one night Said, "No, Miss, honor bright, My motives are just not ulterior."
There was an old Bey of Algiers Who said to his harem, "My dears, You may think it odd o' me But I've given up sodomy." ["Aha!", said the ladies | Tonight there'll be fucking], "Loud cheers."
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IndexThe sore-peckered Bey of Algiers, Told his harem next evening: "My dears, Last night's round of screwing Has proved my undoing, So you may not get fucked for TEN YEARS!"
The randy old Bey of Algiers, Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, Tried a cunt for a change, And remarked, "It felt strange... Just think what I've missed all there years!"
Then up spake the Bey of Algiers "I've been knocking around for long years, And my language is blunt; A cunt IS a cunt And fucking IS fucking" - (Loud cheers).
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IndexThere was an old whore of Algiers Who had bushels of dirt in her ears. The tip of her titty Was also quite [shitty | gritty], She never had washed it in years.
A feminine queer from Algiers, Loves to fondle small boys' chubby rears. When finished with those, Fucks himself with his toes, Then douches his rear with two beers.
Two fussy old queers from Algiers Were flustered and almost in tears, For the buggers had spent What they needed for rent, And their landlord had said, "No arrears!"
The long-peckered Bey of Algiers Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears. A demon for semen, This buggersome he-man Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
This two-balled old Bey of Algiers. Sent his head eunuch shopping for queers. "Mohammed," he smirked, As he casually jerked, "Just be sure they have overdrive rears!"
There was an old whore of Algiers, Who found the whole lodge in arrears. So she threatened to sue, For the payments past due, Or she'd cut off their peckers with shears.
A farmer who lived in Algiers, Once planted some corn in his ears. When the temperature rose, he leapt to his toes. Now popping is all that he hears.
This spermless old Bey of Algiers, Said: "Back in my more potent years, I begat brats by dozens On my sisters and cousins, Besides oiling the hips of fat queers."
"But alas!" said the Bey of Algiers, "I've gone impotent now, it appears. If the eunuchs won't suck you, I'll have puppydogs fuck you, So don't pee in your pants or shed tears."
Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, In a cunt halfway up to his ears: "This snatch is delicious, And without doubt nutritious. She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
A senora from old Alicante, Whose morals were notably scanty. "I'm not at my best," She said, "overdressed." So she left off both brassiere and panty.
Said Joe of a woman named Alison, "That's a lady with whom I would dally, son. For her body, you see, Is indubitably Where I'd like to deposit my phallus on."
Daily Ditty 164 Friday, 28 November
She was pretty and young and alive She came by on a membership drive I invited her in And led her to sin - I had my own member to drive!
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IndexRemember that night in Algiers When we polished off three dozen beers And all eight ugly broads At Fatima &
It's only human nature after all If a fellow puts a girl against a wall And puts his inclination Into her accommodation To increase the population Of the rising generation - Why, it's only human nature after all.
Poor Courtney - not happy at all; Her house is becoming a mall For fanatical fans Using nails and hands Scraping souvenirs from off the wall.
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Indexall - see chagrin
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Indexall - see Bundt
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IndexAllawisquith - see Aberystwyth
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IndexDon't copulate with alligators, Expecially not in elevators. But once in a while, With a mild crocodile, It's a sure cure for wild woman-haters.
allow - see how
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IndexThere was a young fellow of Alltree, Whose parts were but puny and paltry. But he knew how to do A neat gobbledegoo [...............cetera desunt]
Alnwick - see Annick, Alnwicke
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IndexThere was a young lady of Alnwicke, Whom a stranger threw into a panic. For he frigged her and fucked her, And buggered and sucked her, With a glee hardly short of Satanic.
An old maid in the land of Aloha Got wrapped in the coils of a boa; And as the snake squeezed, The old maid, not displeased, Cried: 'Darling! I love it! Samoa!'
In his grass hut the chief lived alone. His throne, stowed up high, down was blown. He was hit on the head And it left him quite dead. In grass houses do not stow a throne.
alone - see heedin'
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When young Billy Bloggs was alone, He'd sexually abuse his phone. He'd take the handpiece And cover it in grease Then get hard to the sound of the tone.
Jean de Beaucaire, a creature aloof, Liked to play violin on the roof. He would fiddle the gig In a large orange wig; This was odd. But then, he was a poof.
The verses foregoing, alphabetical, Could scarcely be reckoned ascetical; And, what's even worse is, The amorous verses Are not even very poetical. Many friends to my help gladly came; They sought neither favor nor fame: If, despite all this aid, Mistakes have been made, The author alone is to blame.
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IndexThere was a young [girl in Alsace | maiden named Frass] Who was having her first piece of ass. "Oh, darling, you'll kill me, Oh, [dearest | darling], you thrill me, Like Father John's thumb after mass."
There was a young girl from Alsace, Who could pick up a dime with her ass. As her muscles contracted, Her chest was retracted, And her teats both fell off in the grass.
Alsace - see Cass
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IndexA Frenchman who lived in Alsace, Had sex with a virgin named Grace. When he popped her cherry, She made things real hairy, By bleeding all over his face.
Said a greedy old piggie, "Although The sows leave when they've eaten enough, I still squat in the slough With my snout in the trough, I will never admit I am through."
There was a young maid of Altoona, Who said to an ardent young spooner, "It is simply no use, Put me down, turn me loose. Though I come pretty soon, you come sooner."
Thus spake I AM THAT I AM: "For the Virgin I don't give a damn. What pleases Me most Is to bugger the Ghost, And then be sucked off by the Lamb"
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IndexI think that I think that I am, Thought a Pentium processor, Sam. If you take me apart You will find no Descartes Because cogito ergo, I'm Sam.
A young lady from old Amarillo Mused, as she lay on her pillow, If, and when, I give in, Would it be a great sin If it's only a small peccadillo?
A charmer from old Amarillo, Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, Decided one day The to keep men away She would stuff up her crevice with Br*llo.
A trucker from down Amarillo Kept in his cab a down pillow So whenever his luck Was up in his truck... But it ain't, so it's still Armadillo! While stumbling across Amarillo I encountered a large armadillo Without even thinking (Because I'd been drinking) I used him that night as a pillow. A lady from down Amarillo Had sex with a rusty old Brillo She ruined her clit And can't even sit Unless she is using a pillow. there once was a guy d'Amarillo equipped with a huge Cigarillo, his girlfriend once said, while cosy in bed, "can i use it tonight as a pillow?" A cowboy from west Amarillo, Is walking quite bow-legged still, for He got caught in the rain And it was such a pain When it rusted his codpiece of brillo! That cowboy from west Amarillo, The one with the codpiece of brillo? He got run out of town And he still wears a frown From his last indiscreet pecadillo. While driving toward Amarillo, Sleep-driving was his peccadillo. The trip was so boring He found himself snoring Without benefit of a pillow.
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IndexA charmer from old Amarillo, Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, Decided one day That to keep men away She would stuff up her crevice with Br*llo.
Genealogy does me amaze As my ancestry I've tried to raise. The enumeration By decades in this nation Spells my name in quite disparate ways. Except for 1870
A reverse limerick in reply to one of Lear's
Don't thee think, Zurr, I be zo amazin' If ever thee's spoke With one of this folk Thee'd have quit this daft 'amlet of Basin' Fast as if all thine ricks be'd a-blazin'.
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IndexA sleeper from the Amazon Put nighties of his gra'mazon The reason: That He was too fat To get his own pajamazon.
A student once had the ambition Of being a famous physician. But med schools were strict, She didn't get picked; So instead she became a mortician.
An ecology zealot's ambitions To control atmospheric conditions Caused the fellow to pay For a lay every day To reduce his nocturnal emissions.
A quadratic function, ambitious, Said, 'It's not only wrong, but it's vicious. It's surely no sin To have max. and min.; To limit me so is malicious.'
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IndexSaid a guy to his gal, quite ambitiously, "I will screw you, my dear, expeditiously." The lass simply smiled, Said, "Delightful! Just Wild!" And it all ended simply deliciously.
A young thing with habits ambivalent, Who treated the sexes equivalent, Said, "It's not that I mix Cunts up with pricks, It's just that my psyche's resilient.
A lush little lady of Amble Went out for a casual ramble. On a side road this maid Was tipped up and laid - But then, of course, all life's a gamble.
Cum Hilde autem ambulabat Homo qui aedificabat Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat, Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat. Sed virginem pine necebat.
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IndexLast night, a blind date phoned Amelia, And said, 'I will wear a camellia. If you need something more, You'll be satisfied for I'm the one who will try to feel ya.'
Amelia - see Australia
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IndexThere was a young lady named Ames Who would play at the jolliest games. She was great fun to lay For her rectum would play Obbligatos, and call you bad names.
Are you tired of affaires d'amour? Are they getting to be quite a bore? They do not last long. It can't be that they're wrong. In a week, you go through at least four.
Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse. Il la mene chaque soir A son caveau noir Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
Said an angry old man of Amritsar, "Have the goodness to mind where you shit, sir! That last [shit | turd] of yours Has besmirched my plus-fours, You really aren't careful a bit, sir."
There was a lady of Amsterdam, She loved to breakfast on Westphalia ham; After forty miles skating, She did not like waiting Long for her breakfast at Amsterdam.
KABOUTERS
The dwarf choir of old Amsterdam Had a drummer they named Onkel Sam. Those guys really could rock Long motets by Isaac As they nibbled on herring and Spam.
Said a certain young woman named Amy, "I am seeking a fellow to tame me, And teach me the newer Mad routes to l'amour For to stay virgin longer, will shame me."
A guy met a girl in Anacostia And said, 'Darling, dare I accost ya? I got only a buck. Is that good for a fuck?' She replied, 'Not a fart will it cost ya.'
C'era un vecchio d'Anagni Che camminava solo sui calcagni; Quando chiedevano: 'Perché lo fai' Non rispondeva néai né bai, Quel misterioso vecchio d'Anagni.
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IndexOn the slopes of Mount Ananias A nun whom all thought highly pious, Ran wild in the nude, And was so soundly screwed, That today her cunt lies on the bias.
The limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean - And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
"The figure is not anatomical." Said the Sitter, "the attitude's comical." Said the Painter: "Quite true, But looked at askew, Both are seen to be sweetly symbolical."
There was an Old Man of Ancona, Who found a small Dog with no Owner, Which he took up and down All the streets of the town; That anxious Old Man of Ancona.
A sailor at Bangor cast anchor, With syphilis, buboes, and chancre. All this, and some more, He'd got from one whore, So he wrote her a letter to thank her.
There was an old fellow from Anchorage, Who was riddled with fury and rancorage. When he offered abusement, The girls gave refusement, And all he had left was the hankerage.
A madam who came from the Andes, Had rooms full of girls that were dandies. And some girls in a ward, If that's all you'd afford, And some girls in a room for the standees.
There was a young lady of Andover, And the boys used to ask her to hand over Her sexual favour, Which she did (May God save her!) For her morals she had no command over.
There was an old fellow called Andy, Who was always continuously randy. It was, I am told, That he is really bold, And he hangs around schools with candy.
Andy - see Venus
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IndexThere was an Old Person of Anerley, Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly; He rushed down the Strand With a pig in each hand, But returned in the evening to Anerley.
Have you heard about poor Angelique? She canoed up the river last week, With some damn lumberjack. And though they came back, We're afraid she's been left up the creek.
There was a young girl of Angina, Who stretched catgut across her vagina. From the love-making frock (With the proper sized cock) Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
There was a young man from Angora Who married for richer or poorer. He'd not been long wed, When he fell out of bed, And said, "Damn, I have married a snorer!"
A warlock who came from Anguilla, Used to masturbate whilst his familiar, Had sex with the dead. It is called, so I've read, "Vicarious necrophilia."
Exuberant Sue from Anjou Found that fucking affected her hue; She presented the sight Some parts pink, some parts white, And others quite purple and blue.
A young ballerina named Ann Danced like a soft feathery fan; But when she leaped and rose She'd land, not on her toes, But smack on her pink tutued can!
An expensive young harlot named Ann, Just can't bear to say no to a man. So for five bucks a week, She allows us a peek, On what she calls her lay-away plan.
The genital area of Ann Will accomodate any size man, From the wee that cause titters To the mighty twat-splitters, That cause screams they [can] hear in Japan.
A round-the-world traveler named Ann, Shacked up with a Tokyo man. She was diddled and swived, And her baby arrived With its bottom stamped: MADE IN JAPAN.
There was a young lady named Anna Who wanted a new grand pianna; But her father said, "No, I'll give you a po, And then you can have a pee, Anna."
There once was a lady called Anna, In the choir she sang the soprana: The choirmaster said, As she stood on her head, "Hosanna, you show your hose, Anna."
There was a young sapphic named Anna Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, Which she sucked bit by bit From her partner's warm slit, In the most approved lesbian manner.
In Chicago a lady named Anna On her torso wore just a bandanna. When she met some Fith Liners, (They're much worse than Shriners) She was last seen sprinting through Montana.
A sweet senorita named Anna Had eyes for a guy from Montana. Said Anna, "Que pasa? Come round to mi casa. I'll show you La Gloria Cubana."
One day when a lady named Anne, Went up to the sun-roof to tan, A gent in a copter Flew over and dropped her Some ads for a crash-diet plan.
Anne - see Rose
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IndexAn intelligent lass named Jo Anne, Never lacked an admiring young man, For her giant IQ (Giant other things too!) Was designed on a generous plan.
Daily Ditty 8 Wednesday, 18 June
I once had a girl, Mary Anne, With a face just as flat as a pan She was covered with zits, Had lopsided tits - (But, Lordy! One beautiful tan) She was nasty and mean, Mary Anne: When the sane saw her coming, they ran. She was quick in her use Of verbal abuse (But when asked would reply, "Yes you can!") She was ugly and fat, Mary Anne; She sold crack from the back of her van She cheated and lied She was sneaky and snide (But she sure had a way with a man!) I was warned about you, Mary Anne, By my brother and sister and Gran; And by mother and Dad, They said you're all bad (You were good on the cot in the van!) She was bad, really bad, Mary Anne; Almost none could she claim as her fan; (But, because of her urgin' I ceased to be virgin - Take the good with the bad when you can!)
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IndexAnne - see surgeon
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IndexThere was a mechanic of Annick, Whose feelings were anti-Germanic. So when war had begun, He constructed a gun, Whose dimensions were simply titanic.
There was a young woman named Annie, With erogenous zones in each cranny. She found this was so, With the help of her beau, Who explored her from forehead to fanny.
Sighed a cute little wench named Annie, "I've the tits and the ass and the fanny. But the men that I seek, Will take barely a peek. Could it be that I stink in my cranny?"
[A wage-conscious | There once was a] floozy named Annie, Whose prices were cosy, [and | but] canny: A buck for a fuck, Fifty cents for a suck, And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
There was a young lady called Annie, Who had fleas, lice, and crabs up her fanny. To get up her flue, Was like touring a zoo, There were wild beasts in each nook and cranny.
There was a young girl from Annister, Who dated a lecherous mister. He fondled her titty, Got one finger shitty, Then screwed up his courage and kissed her.
There once was a girl quite annoyed, By a tremendous, festering 'roid. She lay on her tummy While they whittled her bummy, Now her sphincter is totally destroyed.
A lesbian lassie named Anny, Desired to appear much more manny. So she whittled a pud Of mahogany wood, And let it protrude from her cranny.
anoint - see Chaldees
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IndexThe most popular saint ever anointed Had a tool that was centrally jointed. The effect of the flexion In his weapon's midsection Left none of the girls disappointed.
One umbilical cord to another: "I presume that of course you're my brother. And as we are twins And nobody wins, I suggest we just stay here in Mother."
another - see hair
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IndexA contrite acolyte of Friar Ansel Said, "Last night by mischance in the chancel, Lured by carnal desires, I had sex with Miss Myers. Are there vows such a whimsy might cancel?"
A tiger, by taste anthropophagous, Felt a yearning inside his esophagus; He spied a fat Brahmin And growled, "What's the harm in A peripatetic sarcophagus?"
There was a young girl of Antietam, Who liked horse turds so well she could eat 'em. She'd lie on their rumps And swallow the lumps As fast as the beasts could excrete 'em.
A lady there was in Antigua Who said to her spouse, 'What a pigua.' He answered, 'My queen, Is it manners you mean? Or do you refer to my figua?'
There was a young bride of Antigua, Whose husband said, 'Dear me, how big you are!' Said she 'I am not! I've a sweet little little twat, And a very nice, neat little figua!'
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IndexThere was a young man from Antigua, Who said to his girl, "What a prig you are! Whenever we lay, You refuse to display The nethermost parts of your figuah!"
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IndexAnheuser - see Heuser
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IndexLimericks about animals
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IndexTwin sisters: Awana, Anita, Never swallow the cream from the meat-ah. One chose to spit When her mouth filled with it, The other liked hers on a pita.
"Dear Nephew; We're in the Antilles. Named after the island ant hillies. With everywhere ants, Must close now, Unc Hans, 'Cause one of them's now up Aunt Tillie's."
A wench from the Lesser Antilles Says dog fashion gives her the willies. Except big long cocks That stay hard as rocks, But it's seldom she's fucked by such dillies.
An amorous maiden antique Locked a man in her house for a week. He entered her door With a shout and a roar But his exit was marked with a squeak.
Some day ere she grows too antique, My girl's hand in marriage I'll seek; If she's not a coquette (Which I'd greatly regret) She shall share my ten dollars a week.
Said an old-fashioned god named Anubis, "I know about pubes and boobies. But I've no impression About the Eustachian, Or where the Fallopian tube is."
When you fuck little Annie of Anza, You get a great bosom bonanza. Sucking Annie's soft tits Makes her throw fifty fits, And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
Ther was an Old Man of Aosta, Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her; But they said, "Don't you see She has rushed up a tree? You invidious Old Man of Aosta!"
When in gangs, these teenagers go ape. They rob and they pillage and rape. Their minds are unglued, And I must conclude That I'd rather live with an ape.
An old maid hwo had a pet ape, Lived in fear of perpetual rape. His red, hairy phallus So filled her mith malice, She sealed up her snatch with Sc*tch Tape.
It's amazing to see with aplomb How revisionists decry "The Bomb" But I've noticed for sooth Some reveal by their youth They can't fully recall Viet Nam.
Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel. But her genital area Is so vast it'll scare ya, And you venture inside at your peril.
appeal - see Vice-President
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IndexThere was a young man who appeared To his friends with a full growth of beard; They at once said, "Although We can't say why it's so, The effect is uncommonly weird."
A Spoonerick
A Perfect Example of Wilkin's Rule
Said a gaily-garbed guy, "It appears My attire is causing loud jeers, Ever since, in pursuit Of a seersucker suit At Cox's, I wound up at Sears." No limerick is ever improved by explaining it.
If Eve hadn't eaten the apple, Mankind would [have no need | not have] to grapple With sin and temptation, And disapprobation From ladies who worship at Chapel.
Said Eve as she reached for the Apple, And prepared for the primordial grapple: "With the proper sales talk, Adam surely won't balk, For if anyone falls, why, that sap'll."
"After first having strictly apprised My organ," the druggist advised, "You must practice safe sex And to save you perplex These condoms, you see, Sir, come sized."
As tourists inspected the apse, An ominous series of raps Came from under the altar, Which caused some to falter, And others to shriek and collapse.
There was an Old Man of Apulia, Whose conduct was very peculiar; He fed twenty sons Upon nothing but buns, That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Love and sex among mammals aquatic, Is seldom, if ever, quite static. When the giant sperm whale Impales his female, The results are both loud and dramatic.
Aquistwith - see Aberystwyth
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IndexThere was a young chap in Arabia, Who courted a widow named Fabia. "Yes, my tongue is as long As the average man's dong.' He said, licking the lips of her labia.
A wily old shiek of Arabia, Said, "My eunuchs tell me there may be a Great dearth of Circassians, To surfeit my passions. But my camel's here - labia are labia."
There was a young girl from Arabia, Who committed immodest behavia. She sat in each class, With her skirt round her ass, And smooched at the prof with her labia.
Arachnid - see Muffet
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IndexA two-toothed old man from Arbroath Gave vent to a terrible oath. When one tooth chanced to ache, By an awful mistake, The dentist extracted them both.
There was an abhorrent Archdeacon, Who loved to find failings to sneak on; His joy was profound Whenever he found A deacon his rancor to wreak on.
There was an old man from Arcola Who didn't know shit from Shinola. He pined and he pined, For his shoes were unshined, When a hernia stopped up his hole-a.
There was a young lady of Arden, The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. Said she with a frown, 'I've been sadly let down By the tool of a fool in a garden.'
There once was a lady from Arden Who sucked off a man in a garden. He said, "My dear Flo, Where does all that stuff go?" And she said, "(swallow hard) - I beg pardon?"
Said McNee to his lady, Miss Arden, As they strolled back and forth in the garden. "Your reluctance to fuck Is a bit of bad luck. What a hell of a waste of a hardon."
Arden - see perusing
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IndexYou'll never know how good you are Till you try to make love in a car. Many a man meets defeat On a darkened back seat, It's only the experts break par.
Of all the transplantings there are, Most famous of all of by far - From Ireland, the town Of limerick renown Transplanted to our Moffett, CA.
There was a young man from Argento Who performed an experiment-o; He was labeled perverted When - gerbil inserted - He was caught in flagrante rodento!
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IndexThere once was a man name Arrhenius. His actions were always spontaneous. He plotted ln(k) Against 1/T, And now he's considered a genius.
A young lady born under Aries, Consults the stars each time she marries. Although she gets hope, From each horoscope, Her husbands turn out to be fairies.
There's always some one around, Who'd object if I rifted it with sound. But out in the park, At least after dark, I can make the welkin resound.
around - see Limerick
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Indexaround - see NG
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IndexI was brought up on old Aristotle, And won't change a jit or a tottle. And that's saying a lot, Not a jit, not a tot, I won't alter - No, no, I'll nottle.
There once was a man from Arkansas, Who had secrets not everyone saw. But it's still not evident Even though he's president That Clinton's not wanted by the law.
Said an elderly whore named Arlene, 'I prefer a young lad of eighteen. There's more cream in his larder, And his pecker gets harder, And he fucks in a manner obscene.'
A pederast living in Arles Used to bugger the bung of a barrel, But was heard to lament, "In the old days I went Up the blue-blooded bum of an Earl!"
There once was a man with no arm, Who worked as a hand on a farm. A boot found in the hay, And he was heard to say, "It's just my foot, there's no alarm."
When a fervent groom in Armenia Had nibbled away his gardenia, They just let him gaze On the bridesmaids' bouquets, To quiet the old neurasthenia.
I lost my arm in the army, I lost my leg in the navy, I lost my balls In Niagara Falls, I lost my cock in a lady.
A Cambridge roué could arouse Any girl that he liked, and carouse. He'd have her in bed With a nod of his head . . . All - by simply just licking his brows.
Sakumbe, when full of arrack, Slapped Cohen, his friend, on the back, And cried, "You're all right! Though your skin may be white, At heart, you are thoroughly black."
There was a young man of Arras, Who stretched himself out on the grass. And with no little trouble, He bent himself double, And stuck his prick well up his ass.
A courtier, in dazzling array, Screwed the Queen (Anne Boleyn) one fine day. He got little credit. He was promptly beheaded, For the clear crime of 'lays Majesté'.
A half-Spanish Moor named Arribia Engaged in some whoring in Libya, And developed his joint To the interesting point Where is hung all the way to his tibia.
A young lady, unruly and arrogant, Did the things that more proper girls daren't. She hoped and expected To go undetected, But she's slowly becoming apparent.
The Postmaster-General cried: 'Arsehole! A pair of bull's balls in a parcel! Stamped "I.R.A.", With ninepence to pay, And addressed to the King, Windsor Castle!'
Limerick writing's a very crude art. You're allowed to say tit, bum and fart And if really silly Can even say willy: Rhyme and scan's the compulsory part.
It takes little strain and no art To bang out an echoing fart. The reaction is hearty When you fart at a party, But the sensitive persons depart.
Her bush was a true work of art; It was coiffed in the shape of a heart. And just out of sight Was another delight, A twat with the taste of a tart!
There was an old fellow named Art, Who awoke with a terrible start. For down by his rump Was a generous lump, Of what should have been just a fart.
It is true that the limerick's an art, But I wonder just how you can start To criticise, when Your first line comes to ten Syllables - Mr. Svensson, get smart!
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IndexThere was a young man had the art Of making a capital tart With a handful of shit, Some snot and some spit, And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
There was a young student of art, Who made a strange anatomical chart; In place of the chest, A grease spot on the vest, And in place of the asshole, a fart.
The Grecians were famed for fine art, And buildings and stonework so smart. They distinguished with poise The men from the boys, And used crowbars to keep them apart.
art - see sex
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IndexThere once was a fratboy named Artie, Who always would ask, "Where's the party?" A girl from the South Said, "It's in my mouth, And everyone's coming, you smarty!"
A classical Master of Arts, Told his wife he was still keen on tarts. Said she, "That's just dandy, To think you're still randy. You still know your principal parts."
MANIFESTO
A French hippie who lived on Aruba Liked to play Couperin on his tuba. "Authenticity's dead," He cried, rolling his head. "Viv' la modernité'! Scuba duba!"
Lady Gwendolyn, skirts all a-rustle, Resisted and put up a tussle, But the wicked old earl, With his fingers a-curl, At last managed a pinch on her bustle.
It cannot be easy to be as Impossibly pi as Aeneas: To the sins of the flesh He was prone even less Than a mule to the charms of a she-ass.
ascertain - see horse
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IndexA friend, who is not an ascetic, Writes: "Ireland, my dear, is magnetic. No snakes, lots of elves, Who just OFFER themselves - Rather small, but MOST sympathetic."
When you go to a store in Ascutney There is no use to ask them for chutney. You may plea, you may tease, You may go on your knees: It will do you no good, they ain't [got any | gotney]
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IndexThe monarch of old Asgalun, Was said to be struck by the moon. He leaped from his bed, With his rump painted red, And cried, "I'm a Kushite baboon!"
Said a man to a maid in Ashanti, "Can one sniff your twidget, or can't he?" Said she with a grin, "Sure, stick your nose in! But presto, please - not too andante."
Shirley's face appears careworn and ashen, And it's all due to sexual passion. Though she knows it ain't right, She shacks up day and night, Like nookie might go out of fashion.
There was a young lass from Ashtabula Who spent a night in the village cooler For betting a Judge A half pound of fudge Twice his length wouldn't cover a ruler.
Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches Got on with her grooms and her wenches: She went down on the gents, And pronged the girls' vents With a clitoris reaching six inches.
There was a young lady of Asia, Who had an odd kind of aphasia. She'd forget that her cunt Was located in front, Which deprived her of most of the pleasure.
aside - see Burdew
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IndexThere was a mad genius named Asimov, Who suffered a curious spasm of Sublimerickitis. Herewith the detritus He has leaped an unfathomable chasm of.
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IndexA new volume of verse Asimovian, That's replete with a humor that's Jovian, Represents stimulation, That will prove the occasion, For a laughing response quite Pavlovian.
askance - see Burdew
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IndexAn old linotype went askew, With its naked machinery in view. In this state of undress, It made love to the press, Saying gently, "Etaoin shrdlu."
If the stuff in your stomach's askew, And you think you are going to spew, Buck up and don't mind, Or you just might find That everyone barfs just like you.
There was a young girl with a pretty-ass, And her habits were neat but invidious. She would wipe with a taper Of scented blue paper, Since she was so very fastidious. Then when she had wiped off her bung, Of the clingers that thereunto clung, She would singe off the hair That had sprouted down there, And would lick her twat clean with her tongue.
There wasn't a soul with a fatter ass, Than a maiden who lived at Cape Hatteras. When stroked, it would wiggle And shiver and jiggle. Men lined up, by the score, just to pat 'er ass.
The hands, they were meant to assist In supplying the features with grist. There are only a few - As a rule about two - And are hitched to the end of the wrist.
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Indexassist - see chagrin
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IndexMarie, the administrative assistant, To passes is usually resistant. Except for on Mondays When she doesn't wear undies And gives in if the boss is insistent.
There once was a judge of Assize, Whose bollocks were not the same size. He'd look [at | to] the right With a gasp of delight, But the left one brought tears to his eyes.
Assizes - see Devizes
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IndexDaily Ditty 188 Monday, 23 December 1997
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #10 The Department of Q.C. Assurance Was the one with the greatest endurance Their average score Was seven or more Plus perversions as extra insurance.
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IndexGinger Rogers and suave Fred Astaire, Made one hell of a fine dancing pair. She had such sex appeal, But did he cop a feel? But of course not! The Thirties were square!
Astaire - see Kildare
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IndexThere was a young lady named Astor Who never let any get past her. She finally got plenty By stopping twenty Which certainly ought to last her.
While befuddled with booze, Mr. Astor Made a pass at a statue of plaster, When informed of his error His mind filled with terror, "What a blessing," he said, "I'm not faster."
There was a young woman named Astor, Whose clothes fit her tight as a plaster. When she happened to sneeze, She felt a cold breeze, And knew she had met with disaster.
A young lady who lived in Astoria Took a fancy to Fletcher's Castoria. She partook of this drink With her ass in the sink - Now I ask you: ain't that foresight for ya?
Plastic surgery went badly astray, To a poor silly lady's dismay, Her medical hack Put her boobs in the back, Now she works in a sideshow for pay.
There was a young girl of Asturias Whose temper was frantic and furious She used to throw eggs At her grandmother's legs - A habit unpleasant, but curious.
There was a young girl of Asturias With a penchant for practices curious. She loved to bat rocks With her gentlemen's cocks, A practice both rude and injurious.
Cried Miss Pratt, "What are you staring at? I know - you don't have to say that! All you guys want of me Is a poke where I pee, And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
When you think of "A-Tisket, A-Tasket," Remember the woman named Haskett. Who contrived a good stunt, To put up a front, And carried her tits in a basket.
There was a man in Atchison, Whose trousers had rough patchison. He found them great, He'd often state, To scratch his wooden matchison.
To the shrine which was Pallas Athena's Young Bito, (who'd learned about penis), Brought her needles and thread And scissors and said, "You can stick them, I'm changing to Venus!"
A bucher there was at Athlone, Whom a beggar once asked for a bone; But he drove him away With a blow of his tray - O! his heart was as hard as a stone.
There was a young man of Atlanta, Fell in love with a girl full of banter; 'I should just like to see The man who'd make me.' She remarked - and he made her instanter.
A plump English prof from Atlanta, Was bloated with bawdy, bold banter. He'd sit on his ass, And let fly his gas, Whenever he sniffed a decanter.
It occurred when she crossed the Atlantic, But the screw made young Mamie half frantic. It wasn't losing her cherry That upset her - not very, But the aisle of a plane's not romantic.
Said a hipshot young bride of Atlantic, "This fucking is driving me frantic. I hate to disparage The sex side of marriage, But a whole night of cock's unromantic."
When an amorous youth from Atlantis Removed an Amazon's panttiz And dragged her to bed, She cut off his head, But he carried on just like a mantis.
Atol - see Bikini Atol
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IndexSaid John, "In my recent attacking, Variety seems to be lacking. Let's drop on the bed, From the lamps overhead, And however we land, let's get cracking."
"Dear Ruth" as you last week attested, Should suffice and not be misdirected, But the casualness Of informal address Could give rise to a trout being molested!
Anita the filmstar attests That she easily passed her screen tests, With talent indeed, A will to succeed, And a pair of quite beautiful breasts.
A cretin who lived in an attic Was fallaciously rated as static; But how little they knew - His knob was not blue - But hoary and necrophilatic.
A Tutor came down from the attic, With a formula, super quadratic. He let out a sigh, And solved it for Y With detail and style, quite dramatic.
There was an old cocksman from Attic, Who suffered from spasms rheumatic; So whether each thrust Was lumbago or lust Seemed always a bit problematic.
There once was a Hun called Attila, Whose life was a genuine thrilla. From village to village, He'd rant, rape, and pillage, Seldom spending two nights on one pilla.
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IndexWhen a woman in strapless attire Found her breasts working higher and higher, A guest with great feeling, Exclaimed, "How appealing! Do you mind if I piss in the fire?"
A whore, who much trade did attract, Dropped dead in the midst of a pact. Twenty men with no hitch, Paid for screwing the bitch, Before anyone noticed the fact.
The limerick [verse] has its attraction, The ribald may give satisfaction But I never have fancied, The nastily rancid Or verses of sick putrefaction.
Some women once had the audacity, To impugn my erotic capacity. I stilled all their doubts, With erotical bouts, And thus proved my colossal first-classity.
The late poet Wystan Hugh Auden, Left us poems never maudl'n but mod'n. The first things he wrote Struck a socialist note, But increasingly, then he let God'n.
There once was a King known as Augeas, Whose oxen's consumption was orgy-ous. Hercules said "I'm able To clear out your stable Until the whole place is quite gorgeous."
A delectable gal from Augusta Vowed that nobody ever had bussed her. But an expert from France Took a bilingual chance, And the mixture of tongues quite nonplused her.
If Byron laid his half-sister Augusta, 'Twas but to give the gossip columns lustre, And should not nowadays, in practice, From his poetry, distract us - Get on with reading Manfred, will you, Buster?
A modern monk nicknamed Augustin, His penis a boy's bottom thrust in. Then said Father Ignatius, "Now really! Good gracious! You conduct is really disgusting."
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IndexThere once was a blooming Great Auk, Couldn't fly, and it hardly could walk. The ignorant picts Used to beat it with sticks, For the pleasure of hearing it squawk.
I gave to my old maiden aunt A CD of Gregorian Chant. She said: 'Sod those monks. I prefer to hear hunks.' So she put on some loud Robert Plant.
The Emperor Marcus Aurelius Said that when we feel, it's not really us. Yet I rather suppose That a smack on the nose, He'd have thought was a bit contumelious.
One summer while visiting Austin, A young man who came there from Boston, Tripped over a rock Which tore off his jock So his balls fell out and he lost 'em.
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IndexA lusty young sailor from Austin, His amourous adventures, they cost him. One day in a pinch, He put his in a wench, And with a gust of wind, he lost them.
There was a young man of Australia Who painted his [bum | ass] like a dahlia. The colour was fine; Likewise the design; The aroma - ah, that was a failia
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IndexThose scared kangaroos in Australia Can blame it on oversexed Thalia. For they heard the babe screaming When Tim started reaming, In her bedroom on Cunt Street, Sedalia.
There was a young girl from Australia Who went to a dance as a dahlia. When the petals [uncurled | unfurled] They revealed to the world That as clothing the dress was a failia.
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IndexThere once was a man from Australia Who went on a wild bacchanalia. He buggered a frog, Two mice, and a dog, And a bishop in fullest regalia.
A young bride and groom of Australia, Remarked as they joined genitalia: 'Though the system seems odd, We are thankful that God Developed the genus Mammalia.
An explorer returned from Australia, Reported lost paraphernalia: A Zeiss microscope, And his personal hope, Which had vanished with his genitalia.
There once was this man from Australia, Who was hung with amazing paraphenalia! On his honeymoon flight His bride stayed-up all night Exploring with his huge genitalia!
A convict once, out in Australia, Said unto his turnkey, "I'll tail ya." But he said, "You be buggered, You filthy old sluggard, You're forgetting that I am your gaoler."
Said a snooty young thing from Australia, "Now concerning the male genetalia, Men brag of their size Till you're sure you've a prize, Then exhibit wee paraphenalia.
Said a passionate man from Australia, "My darling, please let me unveil ya. And then, on my own If you'll kindly lie prone, I'll endeavor, my sweet, to impale ya."
"We refuse", said two men from Australia, "Bestiality this saturnalia, For now, we bethink us, The ornithorhynchus Is our down-under type of mammalia."
There once was an eccentric Australian (Strine), Whose speech was so sesquipedalian (sequipedine), And his vowels so refined, That their patience got strined, And they treated him just like an alien (ine).
Apples
We went to the orchard in autumn And out of the orchard we got'em. They were juicy and red And shaped like a head With a dimple on top and the bottom.
Ave. B. - see Y.T.
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IndexConnoisseurs of coition aver That [the best British girls never | young British ladies don't] stir. This condition, in Persia, Is known as inertia. [And it's not the | It depends which] response [ I | you] prefer.
A lady who did aver, Her distaste for hammered dulcimer, Said, "It bothers me not, If you play a lot, As long as you play far from here."
Oden the bardling averred His muse was the bum of a bird, And his Lesbian wife Would finger his fife While Fisherwood waited as third.
There was an old man who averred He had learned how to fly like a bird; Cheered by thousands of people, He leapt from the steeple - This tomb states the date it occurred.
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IndexThere once was a fairy named Avers, Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. Though homos all claimed, Their asses were maimed, Sixty-niners all cheered the new flavors.
PAPE MUSIQUE
When the Popes dined in old Avignon They would rarely ingest food alone. There were minstrels galore, An occasional whore, And some valets, to answer the phone. When the Pope crossed the Rhone to taste wine Many minstrels thought that was just fine. For they'd prance and they'd play From the bridge. On the way, The Pope chose the best one from a line. Back in Avignon, Pope Uc Castets Would enjoy isorhythmic motets Chanted by sisters three: One would sit on his knee While the others did wierd pirouettes. Certain minstrels, dressed in Papal hues Got to travel around the Vaucluse: To Venasque, late in May, For a quick, virile lai, Or to Chateauneuf, for bonks and booze.
Two boys ran far far away; I guess they had wanted to play, Soccer or hockey. They both had on jockeys, I forget what I wanted to say...
Two roosters were bragging away, of their talent for waking the day. As they stood there aghast, Dawn sneaked quietly past and was announced by a donkey's loud bray.
A creature some lightyears away,
Graceful - From The Tale of Peter Rabbit
With Mr McGregor away, Flopsy and Mopsy said, 'Hey! We'll ransack the place But first we'll say grace...' So they bowed bunny heads: 'Lettuce prey...'
One miserable morn I awoke, Crying "Someone come tell me a joke, Or I'll wake up all gloomy, And torment my roomie, And give my poor momma a poke."
"America, the budget I'll axe. Only evil rich folks will I tax." "Honky-tonk us no more! Your tune's spent, it's a bore! Slick Willy, blow it out your sax!"
A creature some lightyears away, sent off a few signals one day. at SETI they read, the signals, but dread, they said: "Ghi-re dfi ga yt zay!"
There was a young man from Axminster, Whose designs were quite base and quite sinister. His lifelong ambition Was anal coition With the wife of the French foreign minister.
There was a young man who said: 'Ayer Has answered the atheist's prayer, For a Hell one can't verify Surely can't terrify - At least till you know you are there.'
There was a Young Person of Ayr, Whose head was remarkably square: On the top, in fine weather, she wore a gold feather; Which dazzled the people of Ayr.
The surrogate Bishop of Ayr Was reduced to a state of despair By the fact that his dreams Contradicted the themes Of his eloquent leadings in prayer
A light-fingered lady from Ayr Had a certain intuitive flair For unpicking the stitches Of gentlemen's britches And leaving their fundaments bare.
There was a young woman of Ayre, Tried to steal out of church during prayer, But the squeak of her shoes So enlivened the pews That she sat down again in despair.
The summers in Phoenix, AZ Will cause me to search frantically For that blessed spot In a hot parking lot Found under the shade of a tree.
There once was a whore from the Azores Whose [snatch | cunt | pussy] was [all] covered with sores. The dogs in the street [Used to lick the green | Would snap at the] meat That hung [in festoons from | through the holes in] her drawers.
There once was a young Aztec, Who was fond of reading Steinbeck. When asked where she read, She said, "Always in bed, Expecially when wearing Ko-tex."