I'm a loser in love
Friday, June 02, 2006
Nothing. A word that means the abscence of SOMETHING. When there is NOTHING, then you have a big fat ZERO, NADA, ZILCH. Well, 'NOTHING' is what ended Laura and I's relationship.
Laura went away to Chicago. She was going to be busy, I knew this, so I tried to text her or call her either early, when I knew she would be getting up to get going for the day, or later in the day, when she would be in her room.
But, funny thing is, I only really got a hold of her once. And, she was short with me and didnt want to talk about anything. I figured maybe she was stressed with the convention she was at and didnt want to chat. No big deal really.
She returned to St Louis the day I was leaving to go to Dallas. I had text'd her asking her to call me when she got into town, with the hopes of being able to at least stop by and say hello before I left for my 6 days away from here.
I got a message from her as I was pulling up to the airport saying she was right outside of St Louis. I check in and try to call but get no answer. So, I send a text saying that my plane was an hour away from leaving, and if she wanted to talk, to give me a call. I didnt get a call.
When I get to Dallas, and checked into my hotel room, I decide to give her one more call. It had been six hours since she had returned to the area, surely she had taken care of all the running around she had to do once she got home (retrieve her car, run a few errands, etc).
When I get her on the phone, I said hello and asked the usual "what's up?" To which she replied in a serious tone "a lot". I ask what she meant. The first words to her response were "it's nothing that you've done....." So, I interrupt and ask if she was breaking up with me. She couldnt give me a real answer, all she kept saying was that she wasnt feeling the excitement of being together as much as before. I told her that if she did not feel anything, there was nothing I could do about it, and that I would return to her house, get my items of clothing that I had there and leave her keys.
She sent me the following Email:
1st of all, Ron I am sorry I never had nor ever will have the intention to hurt you. I think you are a super guy you did nothing but treat me extremely well for the last couple of months and for that I thank you. All of your wonderful compliments, and all the things you did for me, plus so much more meant the world to me. I am still not sure what happened and why I started feeling the way I do. I am a very independent person and not sure if I just got overwhelmed with all the time you wanted to spend with me. I had never been in a relationship that had progressed as quickly as ours did and spending as much time together as we did. I want to blame part of it on that but I really not sure what happened and for that I apologize. I hope that we can be friends because I would love it if you would still come to fish fry’s or whatever family function it maybe.
2nd of all, I realize you have paid for volleyball and we only have one game left so if you want to play then please do. I do not have a problem at all with not attending if that is what you want.
3rd of all, I just wanted to let you know I am probably not going to the lake so more than likely I will be around on Sunday. You mentioned something about coming by and picking up your things. Again whatever works best for you I will work with you on however you would like to handle things.
4th of all, thanks for everything and if you ever want to do something or need someone to talk to I am always here.
I was a bit upset. I was out of town. Things were GREAT before she left and before I left. I wasnt understanding how you could sleep with somebody and the next time you had to talk to them, was telling them that you werent interested. I just did not, and do not understand.
My reply was as follows. I tried to be as nice and polite as possible and not make it sound like I was mad:
I am disappointed that things couldnt work out. I think the world of you. With the busy work schedule the past two days, I havent really had a chance to reflect on everything yet, but all I know is that I am a bit hurt that what you told me your views on relationships, and how you handled ours, wasnt the same. part of the reason I took an instant liking to you was because of our first conversations and how I was thinking that if we had a rough patch, we would talk it over and not just give up. Every serious relationship I have ever had, ended with no real effort to save it.That fact makes me feel guilty, because in one case, I let things go badly and didnt care, and in the other case, I let things deteriorate and ended up hurting somebody that I actually care very much about.
I didnt realise wanting to spend as much time as possible with you was going to have an adverse effect. Had I known, or had you made that clear, I would have done whatever it took to make things right for you and to make things easier to adjust to.
To be honest, the past year had been pretty bleak for me, and I had just started to get over a lot of the things that had me depressed and grumpy for the longest time.
Then I met you and later we started volleyball. I debated whether to call you or ask you out for a number of reasons, but after that first week of volleyball when we sat and talked, you made me feel at ease and when I went home I got a full night's sleep for the first time in months.
You made me realise that my heart wasnt broken. My heart was able to let somebody in. My heart was able to feel the GOOD things, instead of just the sad and depressing things that it had put me through for the prior 18 months or so.
You dont need to appologize for not being sure WHY you dont want me around. If you arent interested, I cant make you feel things that arent there.
As for volleyball, it isnt that I dont want to play, but this is just a bit much for me right now, and I havent processed it all and figured out how my head is just yet. I know in my heart that I want to be with you, and want a relationship with you, and I just dont think that playing volleyball and seeing you and watching you, and admiring you like I did every time we played (whether you realised it or not) would be easy for me. You dont need to stay home next monday. Everybody on the team is your friends, and your family, I was the outsider there, so I shouldnt be the one to play, you should.
I'll come by on Sunday and get my things, if you are there, great, I would love to sit and talk, if not, I understand. Either way, dont feel as if you have to avoid me. It will only take a few minutes and if you are there and we chat, maybe a bit of resolution would come of it.
I applogize if I said anything in a way that wasnt kind when we were on the phone. I sensed something wasnt right, but was unsure what it was, and I was, and am still, in a bit of shock.
As far as the invitation to call, or go do things, I would like that, once I am able to get over things a bit more. Like I said, you are a fabulous person, and every moment I had with you, made me happy. It saddens me greatly that somebody as wonderful as you came into my life and for whatever reason, wasnt able to stay.
I am not sure if I sent you a text the other night or not. If I did and it was odd, I appologize.
I need to wrap this up, and get to bed, got a long day ahead tommorow.
Know that I miss you every day, and will always care about you.
She replies telling me that she would love to be able to sit and talk about things when I got back.
The next few days I ran through every conversations topic I thought we MIGHT have. Ever response I could come up with sounded, to me at least, as if I was either extremely angry with her, which I wasnt, or extremely sad/whiney, which I was in a way.
So, my planned response when she wanted to talk was going to be "I've thought about it, and there is nothing you can say that will make the situation any better."
Upon returning to St Louis, I stopped by her house. She had collected all my clothes that I had left at her house over the past few months. PLUS, on top of that neatly folded pile was a shirt that I had bought her as a gift. As soon as I saw that my heart sank. Why would she give back a gift? It hurt my feelings.
I take my things to the car and return inside to talk about the past few day's events.
Then, I was stunned at the first thing out of her mouth:
"I DONT WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP TO END"
Well, that was certainly NOTHING I had planned on hearing. I was both happy and upset at this statement at the same time. Happy because I obviously care about Larua deeply and want to be with her. Upset because after telling me the feelings "weren't there" how was I supposed to just accept her proposal to continue our relationship? Then some of the thoughts I had while I was in Texas started creeping up in my mind. "how could she sleep with me if she didnt have feelings?" "How could she sit and make plans THE DAY BEFORE SHE LEFT for us during the summer, if she knew she wasnt wanting to continue the relationship?
But, we talked and I assured her that I was wanting a relationship and that I was willing to do whatever it took, BUT she would have to be HONEST with me and DISCUSS things if they were popping up into her head because I didnt want to get closer to her and have it kick my ass later on.
A few days later, I stopped by and we had dinner, then spent the night together. It was the most passionate, lovely night we had ever had.
In the morning I was taking a shower and noticed to distinct hairs in the shower that belonged to neither of us. I am bald, she has long strawberry blonde hair. So, I look and it about one and a half inches long and black. Too long and too thick to be her cat's hair. So, I am wondering who was in the shower.
I got dressed for work as she was getting ready. She had to leave before me and came over and said goodbye. I was upset, but didnt want to talk about it, becuase I had no clue if it WAS her cat's hair, or what the story was. My mind immediately jumped back a week, and how she wasnt feeling "it" with me. So, in my mind, I had assumed that there was a possibility that she may be seeing somebody besides me.