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THE REBEL YELL
When it comes to rebellion and kids especially teenagers, boy, do we as parents have our hands full. Of course, each situation, child, parent, etc is different and so to make what I’m about to say a “one size fits all” column would be ignorant on my part.
Rebellion on any level, in any home, can be so stressful. And, like I just said, there isn’t one right answer in how to handle it. Parents have been trying to conquer this battle for many years; some of us have been able to survive with fewer scars than others. However, to face this battle alone can only heighten the emotions that always seem to enter in.
Please know as you read this, I face these same issues, get just as frustrated, and deal with feelings of helplessness, too. I never write from the perspective of being the perfect single-parent. My columns are here to unite, educate and encourage those of us who are raising our children as single-parents so that you know that even though you may feel like it, you are NOT alone.
First, rules and boundaries are a must for the sanity of any home, but can sometimes give it an insane feel. Children of all ages, from every generation, have tried to “buck” the system and by-pass them. You must stand your ground and if need be, this is an excellent time for the full armor of God. To take this a step further, you must also stand firm with your consequences.
What you must be guarded of is NOT be wishy-washy with either the rules or the consequences. This is so easy to do especially if you have more than one child. I have been guilty of doing this, but all it has done is caused me grief down the road. I’ve wondered from time to time if younger siblings kept a journal to be used as a reference when their time came around.
Next, it is very important to keep in mind you can not help your children's choices for their lives and as much as you love them, you have to step back and allow them to feel the consequences of what they've done. You constantly running in and saving them is doing nothing but creating an environment that has not only become detrimental to you, but ultimately for them. In addition, if you have been praying for GOD to intervene, then you could be interfering in His plan to get them straight. What good does that do if take it away before He can do his job?
Now, when your child is completely consumed by a full case of rebellion, this is when your life can become truly a living hell and giving advice can become a bit difficult. There are no right answers here. I strongly suggest surrounding yourself with some form of support system because it can certainly wear you down to the point of throwing your hands in the air. Some examples of support are talking to a few close friends, maybe with your ex if you have good communication with him/her, counseling (school counselor or pastor) DFACS and of course, you are always welcome to email me.
With that said, let me follow up and encourage you to, again, stand firm, but also remember that you are fighting the GOOD fight. I fully understand and know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are. Your child is going to say and do some of the most hurtful and heartbreaking things that can be done to a parent. You will most likely, as I have, shed many tears. And, it will be at that point your parents words will come back to haunt you “You just wait until you have your own child, then, you’ll know how I feel”. UGH! Those words run through my head all the time, but its true and now, I do know what my mother went through in raising me.
Finally, I believe one thing that society has done is make it wrong for our children to feel anything negative, that we as parents are bad for allowing our kids to go through disappoint, anger, rejection, and heaven forbid they should be told NO or make them EARN their wants. Those are all normal feelings and situations in life. We are doing our children a disservice by not allowing them to go through and learn how to deal with it.
This is why I feel we have so many kids today with out of control emotions. Please note I am not referring to children who have been given a clinical diagnosis by a psychologist, etc. I am saying that we as parents need to be teaching our kids how to process ALL levels of emotions so they learn to respond the correct way; otherwise it will create more pain for them and prolong the inevitable of what they should be doing...GROWING UP INTO PRODUCTIVE ADULTS.
Rebellion is one of the most difficult things to go through with our children. Dr. James Dobson says that a child is in it when they are in deliberate defiance, a full knowledge of going against a parent’s rules or boundaries. This behavior must be addressed immediately and should not be ignored. It’s not something we enjoy, but there is no way around it. If your child’s rebellion escalates to participating in illegal activity or is in any way harmful to themselves or others, then seek professional advice immediately.
One thing I’d like to tell you, too, is to remember to take care of your own mental health. You are of no use to your children if you let yourself fall apart. It’s ok for you to “take 5” ;I personally love music. I listen and sing all the time, or I’ll work on one of the bible studies I have to help keep me encouraged through the Word. I, also, crochet and of course, writing this column is always helpful and therapeutic to me because it makes me self-reflect and tighten up on applying my own advice that I give to you.
The only words I have left to say is if you have a prayer life, dig your heels in, drop to your knees, and pray. If you don’t have a prayer life or it’s a weak one, then you may to see about making a change.
Make it a great day – for someone else!!
Melinda G. Perkins
Naomi’s Vineyard, Inc
Friendships: Choosing ones that are “Gold” as opposed to “Fool’s Gold”
The friendships that single parents have in their lives are so special. I believe our true friends are cream of the crop because it takes someone very unique to stand by us at times. Of course, if you’re like me, allowing someone in my inner circle is not always an easy thing.
We must take a guarded look at who we surround ourselves with because they are not just in our lives, but they are also often times in the lives of our children. This does not mean that you can only be friends with other single parents. But, it’s important to look at the whole picture when you are choosing who you are going to be spending time with and, at some point, be in the presence of your children.
I have spoken with some who had their children in their younger years then became single parents shortly thereafter. After the divorce, several re-connected with old friends and tried to revert back to the way things were before they were married and had children. These particular friends had chosen a different path for their lives which typically was more focused on careers and the single life-style, not starting a family. These friends still had the freedoms that didn’t require a more-structured lifestyle.
Now, I’m not saying these are not “good” friends. However, their priorities are different and rightfully so. You, on the other hand, have a different set of standards to live by which are dictated by these precious gifts called kids. Life is no longer about you, especially the younger your child(ren) are. Of course, as your children get older, you will be afforded the privilege of certain things being allowed back into your life. This is the point I’m entering in and it does have its perks. Those of you who have small ones, hang on, you’re time is coming – but keep in mind, you get to deal with some unique issues when you have teenagers.
You need to surround yourself with friends who are truly golden and recognize that your life-choices are motivated a little differently. Golden friends will be there for you unconditionally. They will encourage you when you’re struggling to change your life in a positive and forward direction – and they will let you know when they feel like you’re not. They listen to you when you’re hurting, mad, depressed or whatever it is you’re facing. True golden friends will hold you up when you’re weak and feeling alone. They will laugh with you, cry with you, and be there for you.
A “fool’s gold” friend will tell you they will be there in your times of need. But when you reach out to them, their shine disappears and, eventually, they filter themselves out through your fingers. They will become less accessible.
What does this mean? I suggest you take an observant look at who you have as friends. The closer they are to you, the more aware I would be. Are these friendships the kind that will benefit your life and/or the lives of your children? Do they bring a positive influence to the quality of life you desire to have? Do you have similar goals as far the direction of your life? If you can’t answer yes to these questions, you may want to consider either severing the relationship(s) completely or not allowing them to be so close in your inner circle, and maybe limiting the amount of time you spend together, especially one-on-one time.
Here are some quotes that you might enjoy:
"Through the eyes of our friends we learn to see ourselves; through the love of our friends, we learn to love ourselves; through the caring of our friends, we learn what it means to be ourselves completely".
"A friend is one who believes in you before you believe in yourself"-Sarah Orne Jewett
"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you today just the way you are" – Beverly LaHaye
"A true friend is one who is concerned about what we are becoming, who sees beyond the present relationship, and who cares deeply about us as a whole person" –Gloria Gaither
Please keep in mind that, in order to have the “golden” friends, you must first be one!
Make it a great day for someone else!
Melinda G. Perkins
Founder, Naomi’s Vineyard, Inc
The Guiding Light
No, not the soap opera! It’s Christmas time and I want you to focus on something that was a significant detail in the story of the birth of Jesus – a “guiding light”, or “the North Star”.
The birth of Jesus was a critical point in the new direction God’s people were about to take. Without His birth, and eventually His crucifixion, we, as Christians, would still be required to practice our faith in a totally different manner. This change in direction was a great thing!
However, His birth wasn’t the only notable detail at Christmas – there were also three wise men who traveled a great distance to see the newborn King. But they didn’t get there by their great sense of direction – they were given a “guiding light”, the North Star to help them get to where they needed to be. But, what would have happened had they not followed it like they were told? They would be no doubt lost without any convenience store to stop and ask for directions or a GPS system.
We, as single parents, could easily follow the same concept. What do you use for your “guiding light” or your “North Star” to get you and your children and family where you want to be? Do you fly by the seat of your pants? Do you let pride stand in your way to ask for help in areas that are weak for you?
Answering yes to either of these questions should be seen as a type of red flag. The direction in which you are going should not be an aimless one. If you are living your life and leading your family this way, I can almost bet you stay in a constant state of confusion, insecurity and, of course, let’s not forget, stay stressed out. What kind of quality of life is that for anybody?
Scripture says confusion comes from Satan, not God. But, what do you do to address it? It’s simple: focus on your guiding light, which for me is my faith in God, instead of the distractions, chaos, or drama in your life. The same concept is used by a ball player who comes up to bat. The batter is told to keep his/her eye on the ball and they are not to focus on anything else. A hard-core player would want to hit the ball so it will soar out of the park.
Single parents should take on the same mind set. We need to keep our eye on the direction in which we want to go and not let circumstances, chaos, or the drama surrounding us stop us from pressing forward. This can even include close friends or family. Unfortunately, at times, we have to distance ourselves to reach our destination.
I am a firm believer that all of us have a calling in our lives. It’s up to us to take the time to search out what it is and make sure we reach it to our fullest potential. The journey that gets us there will be one of great stride and most likely require perseverance; many lessons will be learned along the way. However, the reward when we arrive will be so sweet and such an awesome feeling. But, if we take our eyes off our focus, our “guiding light”, our path will have no choice but to grow dim and cause us to stray. This is something we’ve all done. It’s just very important that you recognize it, learn and grow from it, and then get yourself back on track.
The journey the three wise men took was not one of luxury and did not happen overnight. But, nowhere do you read that they gave up and stopped or went backwards. They were always moving forward, and look at what reward they were able to enjoy, celebrating Jesus’ birth.
The scriptures do not mention the wise men any more after their arrival, but I imagine their lives were never the same again. The experience of their journey and reaching their destination probably affected the way they interacted with others for the rest of their lives –as will yours.
So ask yourself this question: How are you going to allow your “Guiding Light” affect the “Days of Our Lives”?
Merry Christmas!
Jesus is the reason for everything!
Melinda G. Perkins
Naomi’s Vineyard, Inc
New Year, New Buttons
Getting a new set of buttons has absolutely nothing to do with your clothing. It has everything to do with how you react to situations emotionally and mentally when your ex deliberately tries to “push your buttons”. I was inspired to write this from a book I read written by Dr. James Dobson called “Love Must Be Tough”. (This is also a book recommendation). Reading this book created such a break through for me.
When you have been through a divorce everything about you is in a very raw state; it doesn’t take much to get to you at all. And, the one person who has been in your life and knows you best is none other than your ex-spouse. They are the ones who have spent the most time with you which has enabled them learn quite a bit, every thing that makes you tick and most of all, how to “push your buttons”.
Now that you are on our own, it is time to take your life in a new direction. You no longer need to get caught up in such mental and emotional games especially if you’re the one raising the children. The responsibility of providing a stable and secure home rests on your shoulders, so it’s important to make sure you’re setting a good example.
Do I advise that lightly? Absolutely not!! It’s probably one of the hardest things to do, especially if you are in a provoking situation. Old habits die hard; in fact, I still struggle from time to time. You just have to try not to beat yourself up if you lose control and remember you’re still human and it’s not easy raising kids on your own. The next time your ex decides to “push your buttons”, take a deep breathe and respond in a way that he or she would least expect, just remember to remain calm and to think before you speak.
I have given advice to quite a few single-parents over the last several years and this topic is a common thread that runs through many of their stories. It’s very frustrating I know, but ex-spouses do it because it works. This is a form of control over your life and your response just gives them the confirmation they are looking for.
Creating a new set of buttons for yourself isn’t easy especially the older we get. You just need to focus on one “button” at a time. I’ve been working on this for almost 7 years now and slowly but surely, I’m seeing the “fruits” of my labor. The results are not going to happen overnight, but you have to make up your mind in advance how you want to handle yourself and then begin. Now, again, you are not always going to be successful, but never give up on your efforts. You just need to take that first step.
Please keep in mind if someone is making threats of any kind; I’m not suggesting that is a substitution for seeking help. No one should ever take risks that could endanger the lives of not only themselves, but also their children. This advice is for general issues only.
In closing, whenever we make the decision to change, challenges inevitably will fall in our paths. I, personally, rely on my faith in God to help me. I believe that all changes, in order to last, must begin in the heart. If we relied solely on our minds, we would risk second guessing our decisions, wondering if they were right. When you believe in what you’re doing with all your heart, you develop a focus, passion and, in some cases, a love with how things should be and, in turn, become determined to get to that point.
So, ask yourself…are you and your kids worth getting focused on and passionate about enough to develop a determination, motivated by love to invest in a new set of buttons. After all, it’s a New Year and you deserve to get you a new set of buttons. The best part is that these buttons are affordable for all single parents and it doesn’t matter what size clothing you wear.
Make it a great day!
Melinda G. Perkins
Naomi’s Vineyard, Inc
To thine own self be true…..
Think about it and say those words to yourself. This is not about being selfish, self-absorbed or it being an “all about me” mentality where no one else matters in your life. This is about being true to the person you are or that you would like to see yourself evolve into and there’s nothing wrong with that.
So many times as single parents we tend to forget, and even lose the essence of, who we are. Our dreams and goals we once had for ourselves gets tucked away in the back of our minds and so often disappear. Our new focus is on the survival of getting through the day or the crisis we’re facing at the moment, getting our bills paid and most of all, getting our children raised.
With this month focusing on Valentine’s Day and the love of significant others, etc, it can be a very difficult month for us especially if there isn’t that “special” someone in your life. But, whether you do or don’t, it is ok. Life doesn’t have to stop just because you’re still single. In fact, you should see it as an opportunity to pull out those dreams and goals, dust them off, and say to yourself “I’m worth it”. I can hear many of you now saying “yes, but” and then start listing all the reasons why you can’t, but I’m here to tell you can. It may take you longer, but they are still attainable.
If you want to do something that requires a college education, then there are ways of getting that funded. You can apply to www.fasfa.gov which will assess your annual income to see how much you would qualify for financial assistance. I highly recommend you avoid loans if any way possible. There are many grants out there and scholarships that could assist you without requiring you to repay the funds. Some college programs, once you are accepted, even offer internal opportunities to apply for scholarships.
Now, maybe your dreams or goals don’t involve you going on to higher education. It’s more of a skill based dream, that’s wonderful, too. You need to start reading up on it and learning all you can. You can do this via internet or make it a fun day, load up the kids and take a trip to the library. Then, start talking to people in that field, see if there would be any opportunities for to spend a day with them.
Other resources for you are DFACS, the Unemployment Office, and the County Recreation Departments to see if they are any training classes available. In addition, many colleges offer Continuing Education classes that do not require any special admissions requirements other than miscellaneous fees for taking the specific class.
You are worth investing in and becoming the best you YOU can be. I’m sure there isn’t one of you who that when you were little, your lifelong dream was to be a single parent. The vision you had for yourself was bigger than that and all I’m saying is that maybe the time has come for you to start thinking about it again. To be true to the person that’s inside you because until you do, there will always be that little voice inside you saying the woulda, coulda, shouldas.
As I always say to you, I don’t say these words lightly. My goal is always to encourage, educate and hopefully inspire you. Because when I write these columns, I’m also writing them for me. By the time this is printed, I’ll have already started back to school myself to finish my Associates degree in psychology that I started 10 years ago. I decided that 2008 for me will be about tying up the lose ends in my life. Won’t you join me in this endeavor?
I would love to get feedback from any of you who decide to step up to the plate and do the same for yourself. Please email me.
Make it a great day!
Melinda
Internet Dating: Is it nothing more than a technological euptopia?
Have you ever thought about it in those terms? I didn’t until recently. I was lying down; doing some self-reflection concerning the direction of my personal of life and it hit me. Internet dating at times is nothing more than what appears to be a technological eutopia. For those who do not remember the definition, it says that a euptopia is a place in which human society, natural conditions, etc., are so ideally perfect that there is a complete contentment. WOW!!. Now, replace the word human with technological and natural to computerized and it shifts the focus in the direction in which this column is about.
More and more singles are seeking out their “soul” mate or ways to improve their date life via the internet. The cyber world is inundated with sites of all kinds to meet whoever you are looking for and in whatever context you so desire. I, myself, have been on them and have gotten quite educated on the dos and don’ts of internet dating. Some of my experiences have been great, some have left me licking my wounds and other’s having caused me to come up with the term “One Date Wonders”. “One Date Wonders” simply means it doesn’t take long for you to come to the conclusion that “you wonder why you agreed to the date”.
It’s an important topic for us as single parents because we have just a little more at stake than a single person with no children. As single parents, we have to also keep in mind the risk factors of exposing our children. Most on the sites are quick to say how much they love their children and that they will not let just anybody around them which is great. However, if we’re not guarded, we can easily get caught up in the moment and forget to use the sense God gave us to work with.
The suggestions I’m about to write are not only coming from my own personal experiences, but also from other single parents I have had in depth conversations with and what they’ve learned. These are not cookie cut rules because the most important thing is to always follow your gut instinct and use common sense.
First, it is the internet! People are most likely going to be one extreme or the other. They are either going to feel the freedom to be who they really are without fear of judgment or they’re going to find it easier to embellish or lie, not much difference.
This is the critical time to ask questions and pay attention to the answers. You might even at some point ask a key question again to see if you get the same answer. Of course, one key question to always make sure you ask is “Are you married?” Also, don’t be afraid to ask them explain something in a little more detail that they’ve said about themselves. If they’ve put on there for all to see, then its fair game to be asked about in my book.
Second, this one is kind of a thorn in my side which is posting pictures of your children. Now, obviously, you don’t need anyone’s permission to do this if you so desire, but I strongly discourage it. I have seen where some have colored out the faces of their children which is a little more acceptable, but these sites are about you finding someone to either just date and/or work towards a more long term relationship. If that is the case, then that person seeing your children will inevitably come. Besides, I haven’t met any parent yet that says I have ugly children. We all think our kids are the best looking things since slice bread so save it for later and give each other something to look forward to.
Next, since I’m addressing the children issue, letting the person you’re going on a date with come around your children. This is probably the most important one of all which is when to let a person you’re seeing meet the kids. You really have to be guarded of this and use wisdom because timing is everything. I have met many who wanted to kick themselves, myself included, for bad timing. You have to make sure you’ve gotten to know the person well enough that there wouldn’t be any surprises especially the younger they are.
Your children and your home should be two of the most sacred places in your life. Do not put those two areas at risk because once you do, you can’t get that back. However, if you have done it and got out of it unscathed, then learn from it. Reflect on what led up to you allowing him or her to get that close and see if you can find something that may have been a red flag that you overlooked. Or, ask yourself was I just too anxious to have someone in my life.
This brings me to final suggestion: being too anxious to fill the void of loneliness. As single parents we are constantly reminded of how hard it is to be sole providers and head of households. We get stressed to the max which can lead to depression and add to the pain of our loneliness at times. It is during those times we sit and say “why can’t I have someone in my life” or “what’s wrong with me? why doesn’t anybody want to be with me?”. This is something most all of us feel the longer we remain single parents because it wears us down.
However, you can not let that those feelings interfere with making good, sound decisions. I know oh so well what it feels like to feel lonely, depressed, stressed and to ask the things in the previous paragraph. If you allow someone in your life only to fill the voids, then you’re cheating yourself out of a greater blessing which we as Christians tend to do when we jump ahead of God and His perfect will for us. You need to think before acting on any kind of emotion. I do because my mind gets so overwhelmed at times that it’s going 90 to nothing and I end up putting the cart before the horse or my will before God’s. We can’t do that; it will bite us pretty much every time we do.
Though these suggestions just barely skim the surface about single-parents dating responsibly via the internet, bottom line: Use wisdom and common sense!!
Make it a great day – for someone else!
Melinda G. Perkins
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