Jack:
Contraceptives in the rain. Love this planet. Still, 'least I won't get pregnant. Never doing that again.
Jack:
Maybe there's no right way of doing it.
Andy:
It's all DNA these days. Like that CSI bollocks. CSI: Cardiff; I'd like to see that! They'd be measuring the velocity of a kebab.
Yvonne:
American Volunteer. Royal Air Force, 133 Squadron. Except he disappeared. Vanished off the records, presumed dead.
Gwen:
When was that?
Yvonne:
1941, at the height of the Blitz. On the morning of January the 21st, 1941, Captain Jack Harkness failed to report for duty. Never seen again, until now.
Jack:
And this is Ianto Jones. Ianto cleans up after us and gets us everywhere on time.
Ianto:
I try my best.
Jack:
And he looks good in a suit.
Ianto:
Careful, that’s harassment sir.
Gwen:
I’m getting tired of following you.
Jack:
No you’re not, and you never will.
Jack:
There’s a rift in space and time running right through the city. The Weevils didn’t come on a spaceship, they kind of just slipped through. All sorts of things get washed up here; creatures, time shifts, space junk, the debris. Flotsam and jetsam.
Suzie:
'Cause it gets inside you. You do this job for long enough, you end up thinking... How come we get all the Weevils and bollocks and shit? Is that what alien life is? Filth! Well, maybe there's better stuff out there, brilliant stuff, beautiful stuff, just... they don't come here. This planet's so dirty that's all we get; the shit!
Jack:
I can’t die.
Gwen:
OK...
Jack:
But I can’t. Something happened to me a while back, long story and far away, but I was killed and then I was brought back to life and ever since then I can’t die.
Gwen:
But how…?
Jack:
I dunno. One day I’ll find a Doctor, a right sort of Doctor, and maybe he can explain it to me, but until then…
Day One
Jack:
Travel halfway across the universe for the world's greatest sex and you still end up dying alone.
Jack:
Strictly speaking throttling the staff is my job.
Toshiko:
I've watched him in action, he'll shag anything if it's gorgeous enough.
Cyberwoman (The Trouble With Lisa)
Jack:
Ianto, could you work some coffee magic, please?"
Ianto:
My boss says I'm not eating enough vegetables.
Jack:
Ianto? I need to hear those beautiful Welsh vowels.
Ianto:
Like you care. I clear up your shit. No questions asked and that's the way you like it. When did you last ask me anything about my life?
Jack:
Resisting the urge to shoot.
Owen:
You should be dead.
Jack:
I'm the stubborn type.
Ianto:
Have some fucking mercy!
Ianto:
You're worse than anything locked up down there. One day I'll have the chance to save you and I'll watch you suffer and die.
Small Worlds
Jack:
You shouldn't be here.
Ianto:
Neither should you.
Ianto:
I blame it on the magic mushrooms.
Countrycide
Owen:
You sick fuckers!
Greeks Bearing Gifts
Gwen:
You're so light! You're like a girl.
Owen:
I'm not light, I'm wiry. Fat girls go mad for it. But I guess I don't need to tell you that.
Owen:
Do you know what, Tosh? Sometimes I think even that stick up your arse has got a stick up its arse.
Ianto:
'Can't imagine the time when this isn't everything. Pain so constant, like my stomach's full of rats. Feels like this is all I am now. There isn't an inch of me that doesn't hurt.' ...I'm about to brew some of Jack's industrial strength coffee. Would you like a cup?
Toshiko:
I'm... I'm fine. Thanks, Ianto.
Toshiko:
I can't stand it any more. The weight of it. The depravity. The fear... It fills me up.
Mary:
You smell... different to them.
Jack:
That's nothing. It's when you compare teeth with a British guy, that's when it's really scary.
Mary:
What are you?
Jack:
I don't know.
They Keep Killing Suzie
Detective Swanson:
Looks like somebody wants your attention
Jack:
They've got it
Detective Swanson:
Torchwood walks all over this city, like you own it. Now these people are paying the price - ordinary people, ripped apart, with your name written in their own blood. From where I'm standing, you did this, Captain Jack Harkness. You did it.
Jack:
Ianto, how many people have we given amnesia pills to?
Ianto:
2,008
Jack:
It fell through the Rift about 40 years ago. Lay at the bottom of the Bay till we dredged it up. I always figured, this wasn't just lost. Whoever made it, wanted rid of it.
Owen:
You know, we never gave it a cool name.
Tosh:
I thought we called it the resurrection gauntlet?
Owen:
Cool name.
Ianto:
What about the Risen Mitten? …I think it's catchy.
Owen:
Give Ianto a stopwatch, and he's happy.
Ianto:
It's the button on the top
Tosh:
That's all we are, in the end. A pile of boxes
Owen:
Have you got your stopwatch?
Ianto:
Always
Owen:
Ianto?
Ianto:
Life knife
Suzie:
This is sick.
Jack:
You started it.
Suzie:
Can't even look at me, can you? It's not like you to be so judgemental.
Tosh:
Not like you to go on a murder spree. All right, so it drives us mad, this job. God knows, I've done some stupid stuff. But now, I've got to keep on working, every day, in a job that's got a bit less honour, because of you.
Suzie:
So, tell me. Since I've been gone, you enjoying it?
Gwen:
Yes. Well, you know, this place is sort of... It's mad, isn't it?
Suzie:
Insane.
Gwen:
Bloody nuts.
Suzie:
Best job I ever had.
Gwen:
Me too.
Suzie:
And the worst.
Gwen:
Yeah, tell me about it.
Jack:
I had a boyfriend who used to walk into rooms like that. The grand entrance. It got kind of boring. Although, he was one of twins, so I put up with it. Twin acrobats. Man, I gotta write that book. Maybe even illustrate it. I can talk for a long time, a very long time.
Jack:
Thanks for doing this.
Ianto:
Part of my job, sir.
Jack:
No, I should be doing it, but... One day, we're going to run out of space.
Ianto:
If you're interested... I've still got that stopwatch.
Jack:
So?
Ianto:
Well. Well, think about it. Lots of things you can do with a stopwatch.
Jack:
Oh, yeah. I can think of a few.
Ianto:
There's quite a list.
Jack:
I'll send the others home early. See you in my office in ten.
Ianto:
That's ten minutes (clicks stopwatch) and counting. Oh, Jack? What do you want me to say on the death certificate?
Jack:
Good question.
Ianto:
She had quite a few deaths in the end.
Jack:
I don't know. Death by Torchwood.
Ianto:
I'll put a lock on the door, just in case she goes walking again.
Jack:
Nah, no chance of that. The resurrection days are over, thank God.
Ianto:
Oh, I wouldn't be too sure. That's the thing about gloves, sir. They come in pairs.
Out Of Time
John:
You can't take away our names. For God's sake, it's all we've got left. It's my son's name, it's the name above my shop.
Jack:
You're right. I didn't think. You should keep your name.
Ianto:
Of course, bananas are far more interesting.
Ianto:
Welcome to the wonderful world of scantily-dressed celebrities.
Jack:
It's a long story.
John:
I'm a slow drinker. You know everything about me. What's the problem?
Jack:
Gets kinda complicated.
John:
What, did you fall through time too?
Jack:
Yeah, you could say that.
Diane:
Oh, come on, I wasn't born yesterday.
Owen:
No, but for a bird who's going on ninety you look pretty hot.
Owen:
Oi, real men can moisturize too, you know.
Diane:
You didn't invent it, you know.
Owen:
Oh?! Can we do it again?
Diane:
Don't see why not.
Owen:
We could have an affair. We could be fuck buddies.
Diane:
What's a fuck buddy?
Owen:
It's, um, it's a friend that you have casual sex with.
Diane:
There's nothing casual about what we just did.
Owen:
Oh, no, no, I didn't mean that.
Diane:
Sex shouldn't be devalued. Both parties should give it 100% concentration. Because when you take off together... It's the next best thing to flying.
Gwen:
Emma's parents are a bit religious.
Rhys:
Oh, better not tell them you saw my morning glory then, eh?
Jack:
John's witnessing the end of his world, the end of his line. And we can't help. There's no puzzle to solve, no enemy to fight ... just three lost people who have somehow become our responsibility.
Rhys:
What worries me is how easy it is for you to lie to me.
John:
Let me go!
Jack:
You can't just throw it away, not without trying.
John:
I'm not as strong as you. You don't understand.
Jack:
I do. I was born in the future. Lived in your past. My time is gone too.
John:
Why are you doing this? Speaking to me in bloody riddles, keeping me here when my wife is dead, my son is a shell.
Jack:
John, you're still young. You can get work, make friends, start a family.
John:
I did all that, Jack. Years ago. When I was meant to.
Jack:
I wish I could say something.
John:
There's nothing to say or do.
Jack:
I can't leave you here.
John:
Then we'll wait. The sun will rise, we'll have some breakfast, take a walk.
Jack:
Yes. A new day.
John:
And I'll suffer it all and smile and wag my tail. And then, as soon as your back is turned, I'll make sure I do it properly. Because I want to die.
Jack:
You don't get reunited, John. It just goes black.
John:
How do you know?
Jack:
I died once.
John:
Who are you?
Jack:
A man, like you, out of his time, alone and scared.
John:
How do you cope?
Jack:
It's just bearable. It has to be. I don't have a choice.
John:
But I do. If you want to help me, let me go with some dignity. Don't condemn me to live.
Owen:
I don't know if I can do this anymore. This isn't how it works for me. I've slept with enough women, I've done the fuck buddies thing. This is not it. I can't concentrate. All I see is you, all I can think about is what you're wearing, what you're thinking, what your face looks like when you come. It's been, what, a week? And it's like, I don’t know, when I'm not with you, um, I'm out of focus. How have you done this to me? I'm scared. I'm fucking scared.
Diane:
The thing about love... is that you're always at its mercy.
Captain Jack Harkness
Ianto:
You have to let Diane go. Like I did with Lisa.
Owen:
Don't compare yourself to me. You're just a teaboy.
Ianto:
I'm much more than that. Jack needs me.
Owen:
In your dreams, Ianto; your sad wet dreams when you're his part-time shag maybe.
