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The insane ramblings of a braying jackass
Sunday, 17 December 2006
I love this title
"Barbed Wire Rosary"

I'm searching inside to find the roots of my pain
To dig out the drama and sever the bane
The devils inside me wage war on themselves
Drown my hope in waves of their blood as it swells

- I'm tearing myself apart to salvage my soul -
And pull out from the ashes all the moments I stole
To cleanse my demons I throw myself on the pyre
While I'm clutching a rosary forged from barbed wire

I'm falling apart before my very own eyes
The vision in the mirror's an evil disguise
A mask on the war being waged in my head
That strips me to madness and leaves me for dead

- Chorus -

I'm dreaming of days when the violence subsides
When silence drowns out my concscience's cries

- Chorus -
To cleanse my demons I throw myself on the pyre
While I'm clutching a rosary forged from barbed wire

Posted by planet/strokeonce at 9:13 PM EST
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Tuesday, 12 December 2006
A Couple Of Poems
"The Murdered Planet"

Black snow litters the landscape
Falling from the sky like a rain of fire
Showering our vision with disappointment
While our purity gets buried under the weight

The clouds are ever thickening
Growing blacker and more numerous by the day
The sunlight struggles for a window
As we forget the feel of a warm touch

The stars hang as reminders
Taunting us with dreams of worlds away
Where lives are untouched, unbroken, and unnoticed
The last remaining mysteries from our eyes
Places hoping never to be discovered
Hoping never to feel a hand constricting the throat
Choking the air of salvation
Moving further and further into the blackness
And losing their way in the dark

We listen to the wind
Whispering sweet nothings in our ears
Running off to places much sweeter
And leaving us prisoners of our own decay

We're kissed by the moonlight
As it illuminates the shadows in which we cower
Lending credence to the spectres
That walk alone upon our murdered planet


"Lilac Perfume"

Your words hang in the air,
Stilted, stifled, stigmata from your mouth,
You claim to preach the gospel,
But only lies flow through your lips

Your words hang in the air,
Little balloons of ego that float in front of your face,
Every lie, every mistake,
They taunt you as they float on the breeze

Your gaze shoots icy knives, trying to wound your words,
Shoot them down from out of the sky before they can be heard,
Before they can reveal the pain from which they were created

Your words hang in the air,
Tethered to your neck, a noose you can't outrun
The shadows don't protect your secrets
They glow like a lantern from within you

Your words hang in the air,
Like the lingering remnants of a lilac perfume,
Sweet on the surface, delicate inside,
And purple like the bruises on your soul

Posted by planet/strokeonce at 6:46 PM EST
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Saturday, 25 November 2006

"Acid Rain (The End Of The World)"

The smoke clouds roll in
Casting shadows across the land
The roses lose their fragrance
As they wither into sand
It becomes hard to breathe
As the landscape turns to dust
The beauty turns to sorrow
And we choke on our disgust

- When we're cryin', cryin' at the end of the world -
And we're tryin, tryin' to cross the bridges we've burned
But there's nothing we can say
When the world is crashing down
There's no strings we can pull
To turn time around
When we're dyin', dyin' at the end of the world

The sun begins to fade
As the sky grows dark and thick
The light gets cut to slivers
As smoke rises from the wick
The wax drips off the candle
And ignites a fiery blaze
We watch it fall to ruin
And our tears blur the haze

- Chorus -

The sky opens up
The wound pulled apart by shame
Heaven is crying
And it's pouring acid rain

- Chorus -


"Mourning Dove"

The dreams are not real but they're all that I have
To save myself from tearing my own mind in half
When the one person's gone who could bring me to life
It's a prayer that maybe I won't make it through the night

* But when you said, "all will be well" *
I didn't know you were saying "farewell"

- There's no getting around the fact that you're gone -
When I wake up in mourning and cry up a storm
There's no help getting around the fact that you're gone
When I wake up in mourning and cry up a storm
There's no help...
There's no hope...

The memories are left but they're starting to fade
Everything I held dear disappears by the day
I try to hold on but it's all falling too fast
My prayers aren't answered, they're not taking you last

* Bridge *

- Chorus -

The pictures remain but they don't mean as much
They fade, they tear, and they crack at the touch
I can't hold them close without losing you more
Like your place in my heart, every one is well worn

* Bridge *

- Chorus -

Posted by planet/strokeonce at 9:56 PM EST
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Friday, 27 October 2006
I wrote a duet?
"Where Does Love Go? (When We Throw It Out)"

Not every story has a happy ending
They can't all be black and white
The truth is always ever bending
On the backs of the contrite

And we follow in the footsteps
Of all those that wore the path
By holding back on the truth
In the hope of standing last


I'm stroking your hair, with blood on my hands
It's staining your halo, my conscience be damned
I cannot let go, when you're all that I've got
It may not be love, but it's all I ever want

- So tell me, -
Why do we go on when we lie to ourselves?
Do we need each other so much?
I know my heart beats in lockstep with yours
I used your strength as my crutch

And now you're walking away and you're saying goodbye
You're leaving me behind without a tear in your eye

So tell me,
Where does love go.....
When we throw it out?


Not every lover can last forever
Even if their love will never die
Perfection grates and becomes dull
And sometimes we simply tire


It's by no fault of our own
That we feel a need to move along
But forming the words "it's over"
Will require far too long

I'm not crying at night, with my head on your shoulder
The fires of passion, are struggling just to smolder
But I can't cut you loose, with nothing in reserve
I need to fly freely, but I'm lacking the nerve


- Chorus -

I'm holding your hand, as you're pulling away
I want you to leave, but I need you to stay
I'm closing my eyes, and bowing my head
That look on your face, is what I truly dread


I'm trying to speak, but I push out only air
My screams are whispers, rage comes out like prayers
I'm swallowing my tongue, so I can't choke on tears
And along with my voice, all my pride disappears


- Chorus -

Posted by planet/strokeonce at 9:40 PM EDT
Updated: Friday, 27 October 2006 9:44 PM EDT
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Monday, 24 July 2006
Woo, I'm So Emo
"A Black Rose On Valentine's Day"

Bring me a belief I can treasure
To replace all the thoughts in my head
I've been through them all so often
Even the worst have worn off their tread
You could say that I have a habit
Of twisting everything into a lie
But am I really all that crazy
When you can't look me straight in the eye?

- A black rose on Valentine's Day -
An avatar of emotional decay
A black rose on Valentine's Day
A bitter sentiment on a sweet cliche
A black rose, on a black day

Give me something I can cling to
And maybe I won't curse your name
My sanity is barely tethered
And the rope's held over a flame
You could snuff it out if you just cared
You don't even have to say a word
Just don't act like the words "I love you"
Are the best joke you've ever heard

- Chorus -

I'm not asking for the world
I don't even want you

- Chorus -

Posted by planet/strokeonce at 11:19 PM EDT
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Thursday, 22 June 2006

Some things are so humiliating that you have to make them public..... or at least preserve them for later torture. This would be one of them.

My friend: i guess
My friend: it was like falling in love with you...except i was attracted to drew...
My friend: sorry that came out bad
Me: thanks a lot
My friend: sorry
My friend: if i was attracted to you i would so date you
My friend: but i think its the whole italian thing....
My friend: i don't like italians

If I've ever thought it was odd that I don't have more self-confidence, this brings me back to reality. It's hard to have any sort of pride when you hear things like this. Hooray for me, it's a great day to die.

Posted by planet/strokeonce at 10:27 PM EDT
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Saturday, 10 June 2006

"Tell Me It's Over"

I'll kiss you goodbye as you walk away
And tell your shadow what I'd been meaning to say
I'd watch your figure as it fades away
Replace that silhouette with a black bouquet
Placed in the center of my chalk outline
Drawn around my heart showing I'm dead inside
There's an empty feeling that hangs my head
So I can stare down at all the smiles I've shed

- Just tell me it's over -
Don't leave me in the dark
My heart's been shattered
And it's pumping out shards
They're tearing me up
The little axes of love
And now I'm crying tears
That are colored with blood

I'll kiss you goodbye as your shadow fades
And you turn your back on every promise you made
How you took my cold heart and brought it to life
And sheltered it from melting under glaring lights
The faith I never had I placed within you
You were my Bible and I swore you were true
Until I saw that an ending was written
And I cursed myself that this happened again

- Chorus -

I'd kiss you goodye if you were still here
Taste your sweetness instead of these lonely tears

- Chorus -

I'll kiss you goodbye as you walk away
And tell your shadow what I'd been meaning to say

Posted by planet/strokeonce at 1:20 PM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 22 July 2006 9:55 PM EDT
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Saturday, 3 June 2006

How pathetic a person am I?

It would seem like the opportunity for everyone in my life to chime in "you're not pathetic". However, I don't think there's one person I know that can honestly say that I'm not, if they know more than the cursory about me. I don't want to be pathetic, and I don't actively work to make it the case, but I can't escape the fact that I'm a pathetic excuse for just about everything, and there's nothing that I can really do to change that.

There's a lot of things that are wrong with me. I don't have any ambition for my future, I don't really care for people of most sorts, and I have somewhat horrible anxiety in just about every social situation. Yet, none of that is what's the matter with me this time. It's something far different, and it's even more disturbing than those things that I've already mentioned, since I should have known better than to get myself in this situation.

Back a few years ago, when I frequented a certain message board, I became quite close with some of the people who were on there. It's not hard to get a friendship going with people that you talk to that frequently, even if you never actually meet them in person. All that people who hang out together do to get to know each other is talk anyway, so it's not as though I was missing out on anything by doing this. So, I had several friends that I would talk with regularly from there, and it came about that I happened to become smitten with one of them. We would talk, and then we would talk about more personal things, and before we knew it, we were talking as though we were in love with each other. I don't know if it actually was or not, but it felt like it was at the time, and it might have just been a function of my being young and naive. Whatever the case may be, it was a fun little thing, and it came to a crashing halt rather suddenly. I was rather disturbed by this, and I went through the whole emo thing for a little while because of it, but I made it through all of that crap and was fine. In fact, I'm still friends with her, and everything is just fine.

The problem is that after it happen, I wondered how I could have been so stupid to fall in love with someone that I had never met. I chastized myself for doing it, and I swore that I was a complete idiot for letting that kind of thing happen. I was so embarrassed by the whole thing that I never told a single person that it happened. To this day, the only people who know about that are me and her. I like it that way, but here's the part that's getting me down right now; it seems that I've gone and done it again.

I don't know how I got here. It all started with an email I got. It was a "fan letter" regarding my blog and website. I was pretty skeptical of the whole thing, since I didn't think that anyone would be interested, would read the thing, or would have the initiative to get in touch with me. I figured that it was just one of my friends tryinhg to play a prank on me. I played along with it for a little while, and the longer it went on, the more and more it became apparent that there actually was someone on the other end of these letters, and that they were genuinely infatuated with me. I don't understand for the life of me why anyone would be, given the nature of the things that I've written, but it seemed to be the case. We would exchange emails with increasing frequency, and they would begin to turn romantic. I told myself that I shouldn't be doing this, and that it would end the same way as the previous "relationship". Regardless of my better judgment, I went ahead and let myself fall "in love" yet again.

Things were wonderful for a long stretch of time, as we seemed to be rather fond of each other, and just seeing an email from her in my inbox was enough to bring a smile to my face. It was nice to have someone that I felt like I could actually talk to, and I'm sure that was a very large part of my attraction to the situation. But, like all things that I get any enjoyment from, they must all come to a crashing halt that makes me contemplate life. It seems right now that she has gotten tired of me being me, and me being steadfast in my desire to not work if possible. It's been more than a week since I've heard from her, and since she was once the girl who couldn't wait a few mintues to message me, it seems that she's finally decided that she's had enough.

I shouldn't be upset that I've lost someone that I've never seen face to face, but I am. I'm sad that I've lost someone that I've told more things about myself to than anyone else. I'm sad that I lost someone that I genuinely had affection for. And I'm sad that I might have missed out on my best opportunity to find someone willing to put up with me for life. So I'm sitting here now wondering if I'm going to be doomed to spend the rest of my life alone. Through the years, there's been a combination of things that have kept me from embarking on a relationship search. I don't know how to do it, I'm afraid to do it, I'm afraid to get rejected, and I don't frequent anyplace that would be a hosting ground where I could meet someone. I wonder if I'm ever going to be the kind of person who finds someone. I don't forsee myself changing enough that I'll want to spend so much time in various places that I could come across a suitable woman. The most common thing would be for me to hang out in bars to try to find someone, but I don't see that working either, since I'm not a ig fan of drunks. The best thing for me would be to find someone who is fairly religious, since that's the kind of lifestyle that I lead, minus the religion part. And therein lies another problem. No matter what person I can find that I would like, I don't know how they would ever like me. I'm an odd sort, and I have a lot of odd and offputting opinions on all sorts of things. I'm not particularly charming, handsome, or funny. Plus, people think that I'm cold, which doesn't work in my favor either. I don't know what anyone would ever see in me, since I don't see anything that I like all that much about myself.

I guess I'm just wondering if it's fate for me to end up alone. There's been nothing thus far to let me think that I'll find someone and be happy, and what's to say things will change? I have friends who think I'm so pathetic that I need help finding sex, and I have friends willing to bet that I'll never be able to get married. That should be enough of a sign for me that there's something seriously wrong with me. I'm going to be one of those people who falls into something if I ever get anything at all, but I'm not counting on it. I'll have to brace myself for the worst, that way I won't be let down when it happens, and I'll be even more thrilled if it doesn't.

"It's all or nothing, and nothing's all I ever get
Every time I turn it on, I burn it up and burn it out
There's always something, there's always somethign going wrong
That's the only guarantee, that's what this is all about."

Posted by planet/strokeonce at 11:01 PM EDT
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Monday, 5 December 2005

I wonder if this one will work.....

Posted by planet/strokeonce at 6:16 PM EST
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