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The insane ramblings of a braying jackass
Saturday, 3 June 2006

How pathetic a person am I?

It would seem like the opportunity for everyone in my life to chime in "you're not pathetic". However, I don't think there's one person I know that can honestly say that I'm not, if they know more than the cursory about me. I don't want to be pathetic, and I don't actively work to make it the case, but I can't escape the fact that I'm a pathetic excuse for just about everything, and there's nothing that I can really do to change that.

There's a lot of things that are wrong with me. I don't have any ambition for my future, I don't really care for people of most sorts, and I have somewhat horrible anxiety in just about every social situation. Yet, none of that is what's the matter with me this time. It's something far different, and it's even more disturbing than those things that I've already mentioned, since I should have known better than to get myself in this situation.

Back a few years ago, when I frequented a certain message board, I became quite close with some of the people who were on there. It's not hard to get a friendship going with people that you talk to that frequently, even if you never actually meet them in person. All that people who hang out together do to get to know each other is talk anyway, so it's not as though I was missing out on anything by doing this. So, I had several friends that I would talk with regularly from there, and it came about that I happened to become smitten with one of them. We would talk, and then we would talk about more personal things, and before we knew it, we were talking as though we were in love with each other. I don't know if it actually was or not, but it felt like it was at the time, and it might have just been a function of my being young and naive. Whatever the case may be, it was a fun little thing, and it came to a crashing halt rather suddenly. I was rather disturbed by this, and I went through the whole emo thing for a little while because of it, but I made it through all of that crap and was fine. In fact, I'm still friends with her, and everything is just fine.

The problem is that after it happen, I wondered how I could have been so stupid to fall in love with someone that I had never met. I chastized myself for doing it, and I swore that I was a complete idiot for letting that kind of thing happen. I was so embarrassed by the whole thing that I never told a single person that it happened. To this day, the only people who know about that are me and her. I like it that way, but here's the part that's getting me down right now; it seems that I've gone and done it again.

I don't know how I got here. It all started with an email I got. It was a "fan letter" regarding my blog and website. I was pretty skeptical of the whole thing, since I didn't think that anyone would be interested, would read the thing, or would have the initiative to get in touch with me. I figured that it was just one of my friends tryinhg to play a prank on me. I played along with it for a little while, and the longer it went on, the more and more it became apparent that there actually was someone on the other end of these letters, and that they were genuinely infatuated with me. I don't understand for the life of me why anyone would be, given the nature of the things that I've written, but it seemed to be the case. We would exchange emails with increasing frequency, and they would begin to turn romantic. I told myself that I shouldn't be doing this, and that it would end the same way as the previous "relationship". Regardless of my better judgment, I went ahead and let myself fall "in love" yet again.

Things were wonderful for a long stretch of time, as we seemed to be rather fond of each other, and just seeing an email from her in my inbox was enough to bring a smile to my face. It was nice to have someone that I felt like I could actually talk to, and I'm sure that was a very large part of my attraction to the situation. But, like all things that I get any enjoyment from, they must all come to a crashing halt that makes me contemplate life. It seems right now that she has gotten tired of me being me, and me being steadfast in my desire to not work if possible. It's been more than a week since I've heard from her, and since she was once the girl who couldn't wait a few mintues to message me, it seems that she's finally decided that she's had enough.

I shouldn't be upset that I've lost someone that I've never seen face to face, but I am. I'm sad that I've lost someone that I've told more things about myself to than anyone else. I'm sad that I lost someone that I genuinely had affection for. And I'm sad that I might have missed out on my best opportunity to find someone willing to put up with me for life. So I'm sitting here now wondering if I'm going to be doomed to spend the rest of my life alone. Through the years, there's been a combination of things that have kept me from embarking on a relationship search. I don't know how to do it, I'm afraid to do it, I'm afraid to get rejected, and I don't frequent anyplace that would be a hosting ground where I could meet someone. I wonder if I'm ever going to be the kind of person who finds someone. I don't forsee myself changing enough that I'll want to spend so much time in various places that I could come across a suitable woman. The most common thing would be for me to hang out in bars to try to find someone, but I don't see that working either, since I'm not a ig fan of drunks. The best thing for me would be to find someone who is fairly religious, since that's the kind of lifestyle that I lead, minus the religion part. And therein lies another problem. No matter what person I can find that I would like, I don't know how they would ever like me. I'm an odd sort, and I have a lot of odd and offputting opinions on all sorts of things. I'm not particularly charming, handsome, or funny. Plus, people think that I'm cold, which doesn't work in my favor either. I don't know what anyone would ever see in me, since I don't see anything that I like all that much about myself.

I guess I'm just wondering if it's fate for me to end up alone. There's been nothing thus far to let me think that I'll find someone and be happy, and what's to say things will change? I have friends who think I'm so pathetic that I need help finding sex, and I have friends willing to bet that I'll never be able to get married. That should be enough of a sign for me that there's something seriously wrong with me. I'm going to be one of those people who falls into something if I ever get anything at all, but I'm not counting on it. I'll have to brace myself for the worst, that way I won't be let down when it happens, and I'll be even more thrilled if it doesn't.

"It's all or nothing, and nothing's all I ever get
Every time I turn it on, I burn it up and burn it out
There's always something, there's always somethign going wrong
That's the only guarantee, that's what this is all about."

Posted by planet/strokeonce at 11:01 PM EDT
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Monday, 5 December 2005

I wonder if this one will work.....

Posted by planet/strokeonce at 6:16 PM EST
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