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[Opponent(s): Pixie Sticks] So tell me Mr. Behringer, why are you so uncomfortable?
My eyes fluttered open as my top row of teeth grinded on the bottom. My leg jittered lightly allowing the sole of my boot to tap violently against the tile floor. The psychologist's room reeked of over-prescribed medication and a sense of overdeveloped ego. It made no sense to me that a appointed doctor of the state such as this one would study in such strange ways. If one is to tap into the unconscious and preconscious, they would not use the drugs this man had littered on his desk for their patients. Let the rich get richer I suppose...
I hate this weather.
The psychologist chuckled and leaned forward, his glasses reflecting a glare from the ceiling light. He was your average hot-headed psychologist trying to make a name for himself; dressed in a business suit and thick framed glasses.
Listen Mr. Behringer, I know you think you’re wasting your time but I think you have a real problem. We could work this out and who knows, maybe you could help people with your problem.
I sat up quickly, turning my head violently toward the man.
Problem? The problem I have is that people don’t believe a god damned word I say, that’s my problem. Unless you have a universal hearing aid I suggest you sit there, be quiet, and just bill my insurance company.
Your insurance won’t pay for this…
Son of a bitch…
I lay back slowly, nestling my body into a state of comfort. Other than the annoying Freudian counterfeit, the room was actually quite relaxing. The walls were a dull red color, covered with intricate paintings and portraits of famous psychologists. To my left was a giant bookshelf filled with pseudo-intellectual literature made to make the man look smarter than he actually was. The couch itself was the same color as the wall and the floor was wood tile, shined so much I could’ve used it as a mirror.
So let me ask Cameron, is there anything in your childhood that would make you feel as if you’re being followed? Maybe a stalker? Were your parents criminals?
I covered my hands with my face and inhaled deeply.
No, no, and no. As much as I appreciate your help, I would enjoy this a lot more if I could just pay you for my session and leave.
Mr. Behringer, this is a court order and unless you want to go to prison, I’d play ball.
As the man talked I allowed my teeth to gently bite down on my tongue. If I was going to get out of here, I was going to need to make up some bullshit to play along with this nutjob.
I think maybe it’s triggered…by my anxiety. I’ve been having attacks lately…I guess it’s the pressure from wrestling, or maybe just looking back on my past. I just…I don’t know.
I suddenly tensed up and pulled in my lips. The shrink looked at me confused and I kneeled over and gulped.
I think I’m going to be sick.
What’s wrong?
Anxiety attack…I have them a few times every day.
The shrink leaned back and then chuckled before pulling out his medical pad. He scribbled something on the pad before flipping it and writing something on another. I wiped off some imaginary sweat from my face and gulped again trying to hold down the imaginary vomit.
This first one is for Xanex and if that doesn’t work, the second on is for Valium. That wasn't so bad now was it? I’ll see you in two weeks Mr. Behringer. I’m sure you know how and when to use those so I don’t feel like I need to explain them. If you have any problems, call me.
I stood up and inhaled deeply, holding the air as if I was trying to control nausea.
Thanks doc, I’ll go get these filled and hopefully I’ll be a bit more easy next time.
I certainly hope so Cameron, we have some work to do.
I nodded lightly and trudged out of the room. After I talked to the receptionist a moment I exited the building and stared at the two pieces of paper.
That was easy.
Suddenly, I felt a strange vibration in my pocket. Holding onto my prescriptions, I reached down and pulled out my cellphone. I usually didn’t pick up random phone calls, but I was in a generous mood.
Hello?
Mr. Behringer, this is Agent Hawking.
I’m hanging up.
If you hang up, you die.
You know, this doesn’t work in real life…I’m not even in a phone booth.
Although I had expected some sort of emotion the voice on the other line didn’t change.
Do I have to make my point clear?
Sure, go ahead.
You want to use Valium or Xanex?
I sighed lightly and moved the Valium to my left hand.
I hate Valium.
Suddenly over the sound of the busy city street a gunshot rang like a warning bell. People began to scatter and as I looked down to the prescription, which I could no longer read. I paused lightly and began walking.
What do you want?
We want you on the force Behringer.
Look, I’m going to go fill my Xanex prescription, I’m going to fly to wherever the hell my show is, and if Yorke shows up I’m going to fucking kill him.
If you kill a government officer you won’t make it two hours before we have your head on a pike.
You’re going to anyway aren't you?
As I finished the phrase I bolted into an alleyway and shut off my phone. I threw it to the ground and crushed it under my boot, leaving nothing but a pile of plastic and metal.
---
I don’t remember what happened on the plane ride…but I found a new love for court orders
---
As I stepped off the plane and into the Baltimore airport, I couldn’t help but feel this overwhelming feeling of gloom. It was the middle of day but for some reason, I could see no father than several feet in front of me. It seemed as if the idea of death immobilized my senses and put me in a cloud…or maybe it was the drugs.
I walked forward slowly and sat down on a bench, reaching into my pocket for a cigarette. As I pulled the small tube to my lips I noticed the sound of fluttering footsteps heading in my direction. I looked up into the sun, but I could make out the figure of two children standing in front of me. I smiled lightly and lit the Marlboro Smooth, waiting for the kids to speak.
Can I help you guys?
Are you Cameron Behringer?!
I nodded and took a drag from the cigarette before blowing a plume of smoke into the air. I turned my focus away from the children and watched the smoke flutter in the air before dissipating.
Oh my god! Can we have your autograph!?
Again, I stayed silent. They each handed me a piece of paper and pen, which quickly got a signature. I leaned back and smiled, hoping they’d go away. As if an answer to my prayers I heard the sound of footsteps shoes approaching, accompanied by a voice.
Guys, what are you…
As the girl took a look at my face she smiled, blushing heavily.
Kids, go run and get our bags.
But Rachel!
NOW
The kids moaned and ran back into the airport on a search to find their belongings. The girl sat down, smiled, and licked her lips slowly. In normal occasions I would simply get up and leave but at the moment I couldn’t stand to help but investigate her every detail. Her hair was cut a little below her ear and chopped, with her bangs hanging over the left side of her face. She wore a tight blouse underneath a tight black jacket that ended above her belt line. Her legs were lined by an equally tight pair of jeans that hugged her body like a second layer of skin. Her face was gorgeous and was even topped off with a silver lip ring on the left side.
I’m sorry about them
At first I remained silent but I shrugged off the irritation.
I’m used to it.
She nodded and looked at the ground.
I’m sorry I’m so…weird
No, no, it’s fine.
I’m not used to talking to celebrities.
I laughed heartily and leaned back trying to get comfortable.
Don’t think of me as a celebrity, think of me as your average creepy guy at the airport, it should make it easier. A little more awkward…but easier.
She giggled lightly and scratched her head.
S o you’re facing they new guy…er…girl…er…edition to the XPWA roster hm?
Yeah, Mike pulled me off the ladder so now I have to work myself back up. Facing a shemale sounds like the perfect way.
She nodded.
I was rooting for you in that match. If it wasn’t for Major still being in you would’ve won.
That may be, but…I just didn’t come out on top. That’s fine though, I will get my chance again eventually. For now I just have to take my career one match at a time. If I have to beat up a pink haired, he/she newcomer to prove to the boss I’m safe to book in real matches then so be it. I just hope I don’t get in trouble for a hate crime.
The girl giggled again and looked up as what appeared to be her younger siblings came back accompanied by a large, goofy looking man. I gently waved at him but he seemed generally unhappy.
Come on Claire, mom’s waiting.
Claire nodded and sighed, standing up slowly. As the family began to walk away the tore a piece of paper off of her little brother’s autograph. After violently scribbling something down, she crumbled it up and dropped it without looking back. After she disappeared I hesitantly picked up the paper and read it.
Here’s my number...
And no worries…I’m 20.
For the first time since earlier that week, I regretted smashing my piece of shit phone.
---
So this week Mike has decided to throw me in the ring against the hormone driven hermaphrodite…fair enough. First of all I would like to welcome you to the XPWA Pixie Sticks. I kind of feel bad for you because instead of throwing you in a safe match that you could, you know, fell out the XPWA in, Mike decided to put you against the man who almost won the world championship just two weeks ago.
I don’t know why you had to draw such shitty luck but, I guess that’s how the cards go. I figure Mike thought I wouldn’t be fully healed and he had a chance to embarrass me on national television. Fair enough, but what Mike failed to realize is that his little Brutal Genocide Elimination Chainsaw Cage Match from Hell didn’t do all the damage speculated. Other than a bummed knee and a bruised rib, there was nothing wrong with me. The only lasting injury of that match was my pride, but I’m about to tape that back up.
Really, I don’t have much more to say Pixie…I just hope you don’t expect to step into the ring and actually win. I have an agenda…and it doesn’t involve losing to a he/she whore. Pixie Sticks are for kids…it’s time to grow the fuck up.
---
Back at the hotel I finally found some time to relax. I laid down slowly and smiled, pouring several Xanex into my hand. I toyed with them like candy, tossing them into the air and catching them in my mouth.
Being called a liar had never been so relaxing.
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