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Tuesday, 20 June 2006

Mood:  cheeky
Topic: Sun down >> Sun up
I found a bunch of entries I wrote in notpad when I used to live in a one bedroom appt inside a tiny house where everything had an echo.






I had to live how i felt

people fucking tortured me

they wouldnt let me speak

think

feel

i couldnt listen to music or live a life

they took it outside

the world turned into my neighbors

i ran and it followed me here

i said i would never give up anything for anyone

i lived for myself and no one else

i have a need for control

of myself

look i dont know how to explain it to you but i am not me anymore and whenever i try to express myself i turn into other peopl or i cant breath right and all these things just keep happening and im prevented from being able to express feel or just fucking live

tradgedy can change a persons life forever and just re living an experience can never change the past

my brother may never be cured

why the fuck would people think im trying to be a boy

its not about being a boy or being a girl, its about strength and freedom against an outside force

something making us fall sick and tired

i tried so hard for so long and it just kept happening in the grossest ways no matter what i did to show how wrong it was they dystroyed me left me breathless floating

look, living this kind of life can force you to do some crazy things

I know its almost time for me to look back and realize i was possessed.

I would see double of myself

the one day I ran home after watching LINKIN PARK I ran home sat at the computer and rocked out as hard as I could

I wasnt all there, I was ahead of myself and could feel myself floating behind

Every word I spoke was like an echo

I felt so insecure about it I would just cut jmyself off midsentance

just like the rest of my life and friends who wouldnt let me speak or cut me off or make me feel like a crack addict

dont ask why but i did

I let them take control of my life

they stand for friendship and expression

and after people commit wrongs against you the only thing to do is run or express yourself

all I know how to do is drive and today I almost lost that because i have no idea how to do with people

I started taking out all my anger on the world

I FORGOT IT WAS THE SKY

i pray they under stand

I really do deserve to die

its what ive been trying to do for YEARS

YEars

YEARS

Its not being desperate

its a fucking request

a need
an unhealthy distrust






-----------------------------------------------------






when niggas get busted
we as hard as shit
when we niggas get busted
we gon be hard ass shit

no messin out this hoe
a heart fulla gold\
no worlds gonna let me go
no worlds gonna let me out this hole

we be playin one big game a soul
so no bustin out cha mouth
this bitch is gold

tha ruby diamond bustin out cha soul
foreva crackin out cha mouth
sit n see a loser foul outta school
she the ballin best bitch
n she gonna make it cold

check it

watch it slow

foul educators runnin big time lows

Timeismoney11







-----------------------------------------------------






so for some reason i feel ?insecure? living under these people. Maybe its just because they are older, but I +,constantly feel their eyes watching me. Now I realize I started to do it back to them, but when I want to stop paying attention there is no way to disconnect. I dont want to zoom in on people. I know older people are more experienced in many things, but now I understand that the ones who drop out of college are limited when it comes to conjuring up ideas, relating facts, and discovering new ways to think. <<<----- LIES

My parents never brought up the subject of sex around me growing up. They let me learn and find out on my own.

Now I feel constantly surrounded in the idea of sex. It spews out of my brain, and there is no way to stop it.

I just want to go to sleep at night, without a sub-concious lingering that someone is right there with me in my own mind.

Walls are not even enough to block out corruption.

Sometimes there are things we really do not want, and its not fair for others to force an un willingness upon another individual.

Respect of ALL people should be a willingness to abide to acceptable requests.

I can tell things are really bad when I cannot have a breakthrough. There is a blockade in my mind.

It leads to physical symptoms such voluntary breathing patterns, chest pressure, mild headaches.

Why would I so suddenly begin to think of sexual acts taking place upon my body. Is this really me ? I should begin to take the blame for it, but thats where these physical symptoms kick in.

I feel that its not right to accept this since I just moved out of my parents home where this kinda of thing never occurred.

I am aware that now it does happen because of who I have been influenced by.






-----------------------------------------------------






at 11:33 i was taking a nap in the bedroom
i heard knocking on the door
when i got up there was a black man standing in my hallway
staring at me in my bed
i got up and asked what was wrong
he said the fire department turned off my stove because of a possible gas leak
they checked the stove
they left after talking to the neighbors
the returned a few minutes later to re-light the stove
explained everything to the neighbors and left.






-----------------------------------------------------






shell fight to flee a hard landing of misunderstanding,
all much to demanding to recreate the desire to cast the fire on her world alone

where those ideas hold no reality, tranferably associated with all the many
surrounding humanities whose uncertainties recreate a being with whom remains unknowing and
ill flowing.

Up late frustrations
Rendering everyday complications
Leaving nothing nuturing
Only morning manipulation
With short tones ending
Sleep remains deafening
Racking up the stack of
Ruptured panels
This blazing warmth
a habitat for mammals
Their unspoken voice
Is rendering choice.

I'd just want us to be REAL
But you no choice to feel.

Ill turn to be your PREDATOR


I only see .-->. LOVE through HATE.


Just waiting to stop waiting,


See ME
as NO ONE,
You've EVER met BEFORE.


I've got the medicine
To slit the mood your in,


I've got the antidote here.♥






-----------------------------------------------------







Electric Sunglasses- 89.99

DC Parlay Black and Camo Shoe - 54.95
zumiez.com






-----------------------------------------------------






\/
Blow Dryer

Hair Straightener

Brush Set

Make up
-CHANEL
-CLINIQUE

CLothes
/\

[]

\/
Head Phones

Purell

Car Vac
/\

JEALOUSY MURDER




________
/ __ __ | __ __ \ /
/ |_| _| | | || ||_ \ /
__/ |__ |_| | |_| |_| __| \/
/


* * * * * * { } { } ==== + ++ @ @@@ ====
* * * * * * {} {} | 0 | + + @ -- ---@ | 0 |
* * * * * * {} {} | |\ \ + A + @ ---@ | |\ \
* * * * * { }--------{ } | | \ \ + + @ -- ---@ | | \ \
*** *** "------" = = + ++ @@@@ = =






-----------------------------------------------------






east to west
east to west
I met my momma at a candy store
she bought me ice cream
she bought me cake
i left the store with a stomach ache
momma momma
i feel sick
call the doctor
quick quick quick
saw a little house on top of a hill
made the bread
made some cheese
common baby lets go to sleep


a fight for control of oneself
suffering dictruction in the brain waves of safehaven
called out as brute
all a fight for freedom privacy
counter friction upheld in unending standings
a proper barriel beneath the roads


i would not be this way than this


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

no mental freedom

fallen solution reigns bridges

underneath the concieted

word to yall who kno this

grey knowledge



()_-_()
|0 0|
\_=/
\||/
_?_


The devils like a white mans line dance
()_()
< "~" >
\||/
^^
()()
|. .|
( )
- -

@ $$$$$$$ &&&&&&&
@@ $$ $$ && &&
@@@ $$ $$ && &&
@@ @ % $$ && &&
@@@ @ $$ && &&
@@@@@@ $$ && &&
@@ % $$ && &&
@@ $$ && &&
@@ $$ && &&
@@ $$$$$$$$$$$$$ &&&&&&&&

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Posted by planet/spectrumfire5 at 11:25 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, 20 June 2006 11:46 PM CDT
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