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Tuesday, 20 June 2006



Posted by planet/spectrumfire5 at 11:50 PM CDT
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Mood:  cheeky
Topic: Sun down >> Sun up
I found a bunch of entries I wrote in notpad when I used to live in a one bedroom appt inside a tiny house where everything had an echo.






I had to live how i felt

people fucking tortured me

they wouldnt let me speak

think

feel

i couldnt listen to music or live a life

they took it outside

the world turned into my neighbors

i ran and it followed me here

i said i would never give up anything for anyone

i lived for myself and no one else

i have a need for control

of myself

look i dont know how to explain it to you but i am not me anymore and whenever i try to express myself i turn into other peopl or i cant breath right and all these things just keep happening and im prevented from being able to express feel or just fucking live

tradgedy can change a persons life forever and just re living an experience can never change the past

my brother may never be cured

why the fuck would people think im trying to be a boy

its not about being a boy or being a girl, its about strength and freedom against an outside force

something making us fall sick and tired

i tried so hard for so long and it just kept happening in the grossest ways no matter what i did to show how wrong it was they dystroyed me left me breathless floating

look, living this kind of life can force you to do some crazy things

I know its almost time for me to look back and realize i was possessed.

I would see double of myself

the one day I ran home after watching LINKIN PARK I ran home sat at the computer and rocked out as hard as I could

I wasnt all there, I was ahead of myself and could feel myself floating behind

Every word I spoke was like an echo

I felt so insecure about it I would just cut jmyself off midsentance

just like the rest of my life and friends who wouldnt let me speak or cut me off or make me feel like a crack addict

dont ask why but i did

I let them take control of my life

they stand for friendship and expression

and after people commit wrongs against you the only thing to do is run or express yourself

all I know how to do is drive and today I almost lost that because i have no idea how to do with people

I started taking out all my anger on the world

I FORGOT IT WAS THE SKY

i pray they under stand

I really do deserve to die

its what ive been trying to do for YEARS

YEars

YEARS

Its not being desperate

its a fucking request

a need
an unhealthy distrust






-----------------------------------------------------






when niggas get busted
we as hard as shit
when we niggas get busted
we gon be hard ass shit

no messin out this hoe
a heart fulla gold\
no worlds gonna let me go
no worlds gonna let me out this hole

we be playin one big game a soul
so no bustin out cha mouth
this bitch is gold

tha ruby diamond bustin out cha soul
foreva crackin out cha mouth
sit n see a loser foul outta school
she the ballin best bitch
n she gonna make it cold

check it

watch it slow

foul educators runnin big time lows

Timeismoney11







-----------------------------------------------------






so for some reason i feel ?insecure? living under these people. Maybe its just because they are older, but I +,constantly feel their eyes watching me. Now I realize I started to do it back to them, but when I want to stop paying attention there is no way to disconnect. I dont want to zoom in on people. I know older people are more experienced in many things, but now I understand that the ones who drop out of college are limited when it comes to conjuring up ideas, relating facts, and discovering new ways to think. <<<----- LIES

My parents never brought up the subject of sex around me growing up. They let me learn and find out on my own.

Now I feel constantly surrounded in the idea of sex. It spews out of my brain, and there is no way to stop it.

I just want to go to sleep at night, without a sub-concious lingering that someone is right there with me in my own mind.

Walls are not even enough to block out corruption.

Sometimes there are things we really do not want, and its not fair for others to force an un willingness upon another individual.

Respect of ALL people should be a willingness to abide to acceptable requests.

I can tell things are really bad when I cannot have a breakthrough. There is a blockade in my mind.

It leads to physical symptoms such voluntary breathing patterns, chest pressure, mild headaches.

Why would I so suddenly begin to think of sexual acts taking place upon my body. Is this really me ? I should begin to take the blame for it, but thats where these physical symptoms kick in.

I feel that its not right to accept this since I just moved out of my parents home where this kinda of thing never occurred.

I am aware that now it does happen because of who I have been influenced by.






-----------------------------------------------------






at 11:33 i was taking a nap in the bedroom
i heard knocking on the door
when i got up there was a black man standing in my hallway
staring at me in my bed
i got up and asked what was wrong
he said the fire department turned off my stove because of a possible gas leak
they checked the stove
they left after talking to the neighbors
the returned a few minutes later to re-light the stove
explained everything to the neighbors and left.






-----------------------------------------------------






shell fight to flee a hard landing of misunderstanding,
all much to demanding to recreate the desire to cast the fire on her world alone

where those ideas hold no reality, tranferably associated with all the many
surrounding humanities whose uncertainties recreate a being with whom remains unknowing and
ill flowing.

Up late frustrations
Rendering everyday complications
Leaving nothing nuturing
Only morning manipulation
With short tones ending
Sleep remains deafening
Racking up the stack of
Ruptured panels
This blazing warmth
a habitat for mammals
Their unspoken voice
Is rendering choice.

I'd just want us to be REAL
But you no choice to feel.

Ill turn to be your PREDATOR


I only see .-->. LOVE through HATE.


Just waiting to stop waiting,


See ME
as NO ONE,
You've EVER met BEFORE.


I've got the medicine
To slit the mood your in,


I've got the antidote here.♥






-----------------------------------------------------







Electric Sunglasses- 89.99

DC Parlay Black and Camo Shoe - 54.95
zumiez.com






-----------------------------------------------------






\/
Blow Dryer

Hair Straightener

Brush Set

Make up
-CHANEL
-CLINIQUE

CLothes
/\

[]

\/
Head Phones

Purell

Car Vac
/\

JEALOUSY MURDER




________
/ __ __ | __ __ \ /
/ |_| _| | | || ||_ \ /
__/ |__ |_| | |_| |_| __| \/
/


* * * * * * { } { } ==== + ++ @ @@@ ====
* * * * * * {} {} | 0 | + + @ -- ---@ | 0 |
* * * * * * {} {} | |\ \ + A + @ ---@ | |\ \
* * * * * { }--------{ } | | \ \ + + @ -- ---@ | | \ \
*** *** "------" = = + ++ @@@@ = =






-----------------------------------------------------






east to west
east to west
I met my momma at a candy store
she bought me ice cream
she bought me cake
i left the store with a stomach ache
momma momma
i feel sick
call the doctor
quick quick quick
saw a little house on top of a hill
made the bread
made some cheese
common baby lets go to sleep


a fight for control of oneself
suffering dictruction in the brain waves of safehaven
called out as brute
all a fight for freedom privacy
counter friction upheld in unending standings
a proper barriel beneath the roads


i would not be this way than this


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

no mental freedom

fallen solution reigns bridges

underneath the concieted

word to yall who kno this

grey knowledge



()_-_()
|0 0|
\_=/
\||/
_?_


The devils like a white mans line dance
()_()
< "~" >
\||/
^^
()()
|. .|
( )
- -

@ $$$$$$$ &&&&&&&
@@ $$ $$ && &&
@@@ $$ $$ && &&
@@ @ % $$ && &&
@@@ @ $$ && &&
@@@@@@ $$ && &&
@@ % $$ && &&
@@ $$ && &&
@@ $$ && &&
@@ $$$$$$$$$$$$$ &&&&&&&&

-----------------------------------------------------

Posted by planet/spectrumfire5 at 11:25 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, 20 June 2006 11:46 PM CDT
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Sunday, 18 June 2006
Dead Wrong
Mood:  down
Topic: Sun up >> Sun Down
DEAD WRONG

An interference caused by knowledge could create a world that pushes to torture and punish.

As I try and push to grow and recounter my previous life experiences(3) I am blockaded by an idea in society. Its as though I am treated like an animal (a cowardace). My proven stength and street knowledge has allowed a parade to errupt. The underlying ideas cause me a great deal of pain. One thing is said and another is felt. How can I continue to learn and grow when my ideas are blockaded? Its living a punishment. I did not call society to test and appropriate my way of living. Peace and comfort was dystroyed by the corrupt ideas of man. It has resulted in a life of restitution. I am living as a sperm being told there is no way to make through society.

As my father listens to me on the other side of the wall, I begin to realize privacy no longer exsists within this household. By movement and sound he will pursue everyway possible to dystroy my well being. TONIGHT he called the police after I threw a demonstation of my anger and fear.

College allowed me to generate and formulate my own ideas, to understand our society. The respect I have obtained is due to this experience. People feel I have a key to our future because I know how our society once was.

I realize things change as time moves forward. Nothing can reform how society once was when I moved away from home.

I although question the WAY things changed. When people are literally trying to dystroy and kill me... I am told to go ahead and commit suicide....I admit to feeling an inner turmoil. I am told this feeling must stop and never reoccur. My heart pains for society to change and work towards comfort and progress.

The fact that I was not allowed to obtain an education would infact arise turmoil within my face and inner soul. I still choose not to face these trials. I started alone. Wouldn't this block all the outside junk? Who let it in? Just because I'm a pothead does not mean people have the right to torture and invade. Is there such thing as a re-trial?

I lived with people who sat around and did not work. They sat all day. I had a job and an education, a future. Why were low-lifes givin the key to the distruction of my life goals. I am being forced to fight against all the negativity. Living literal punishment. It can not be legal to treat people with such utter disrespect.

It occurs from across walls. My neighbor had me thinking about my lips and he attempted to make me think about sucking his cock. My woman neighbor upstairs ended up fucking this man in celebration of my distruction. The violation of my privacy forced me outside where I almost crashed and died.

There remains a fear that has been created by the evil and distruction people create. I fear this fear will continue to be used to distruct my well being. How can I find a way to forward society in the healing of this issue? Why have I been forced to live in a sex pool? Will I remain afraid forever?

How can physical pain be cured? An idea has been stamped and cannot be erased. There is no way for me to forget the pain. This may be the reason people will play with the idea and attempt to provide sources of help when in fact it is only to hurt and distruct. I get hurt and then left behind.

I will continue to stick to the same ideas I once had. Since everything around me is changing so negatively, I choose not to trust it. How to end the head pressure?

Posted by planet/spectrumfire5 at 5:28 PM CDT
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Dead Wrong
Mood:  down
Topic: Sun up >> Sun Down
DEAD WRONG

An interference caused by knowledge could create a world that pushes to torture and punish.

As I try and push to grow and recounter my previous life experiences(3) I am blockaded by an idea in society. Its as though I am treated like an animal (a cowardace). My proven stength and street knowledge has allowed a parade to errupt. The underlying ideas cause me a great deal of pain. One thing is said and another is felt. How can I continue to learn and grow when my ideas are blockaded? Its living a punishment. I did not call society to test and appropriate my way of living. Peace and comfort was dystroyed by the corrupt ideas of man. It has resulted in a life of restitution. I am living as a sperm being told there is no way to make through society.

As my father listens to me on the other side of the wall, I begin to realize privacy no longer exsists within this household. By movement and sound he will pursue everyway possible to dystroy my well being. TONIGHT he called the police after I threw a demonstation of my anger and fear.

College allowed me to generate and formulate my own ideas, to understand our society. The respect I have obtained is due to this experience. People feel I have a key to our future because I know how our society once was.

I realize things change as time moves forward. Nothing can reform how society once was when I moved away from home.

I although question the WAY things changed. When people are literally trying to dystroy and kill me... I am told to go ahead and commit suicide....I admit to feeling an inner turmoil. I am told this feeling must stop and never reoccur. My heart pains for society to change and work towards comfort and progress.

The fact that I was not allowed to obtain an education would infact arise turmoil within my face and inner soul. I still choose not to face these trials. I started alone. Wouldn't this block all the outside junk? Who let it in? Just because I'm a pothead does not mean people have the right to torture and invade. Is there such thing as a re-trial?

I lived with people who sat around and did not work. They sat all day. I had a job and an education, a future. Why were low-lifes givin the key to the distruction of my life goals. I am being forced to fight against all the negativity. Living literal punishment. It can not be legal to treat people with such utter disrespect.

It occurs from across walls. My neighbor had me thinking about my lips and he attempted to make me think about sucking his cock. My woman neighbor upstairs ended up fucking this man in celebration of my distruction. The violation of my privacy forced me outside where I almost crashed and died.

There remains a fear that has been created by the evil and distruction people create. I fear this fear will continue to be used to distruct my well being. How can I find a way to forward society in the healing of this issue? Why have I been forced to live in a sex pool? Will I remain afraid forever?

How can physical pain be cured? An idea has been stamped and cannot be erased. There is no way for me to forget the pain. This may be the reason people will play with the idea and attempt to provide sources of help when in fact it is only to hurt and distruct. I get hurt and then left behind.

I will continue to stick to the same ideas I once had. Since everything around me is changing so negatively, I choose not to trust it. How to end the head pressure?

Posted by planet/spectrumfire5 at 5:28 PM CDT
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Wednesday, 7 June 2006
Adult Busters
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: MADE on MTV
Topic: Sun up >> Sun Down
What is frustrating? The fact that media can be so incredably nosey. I can see my life is fun to make sense out of but its just keeps resorting my knowledge. Unless something or someone starts helping I'm never going to get anywhere. Something is always wrong.

I'm about to go speak with Dr.GJ about my grades. I got F-numbers in all my classes. I just found out yesterday that it means I didnt show up fpr class. Such a lie! I was there every single day. I'll admit I was late at times, but I always worked my hardest to succeed in all my classes. Especially after what occured first semester.

My Camera SUCKS

Posted by planet/spectrumfire5 at 4:12 PM CDT
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