AUTHOR'S SHADOWY CORPORATION DECLARES THIRTY-THREE MILLION DOLLAR LOSS ON RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT FIASCO
TARRYTOWN, October 9 --- NARNIACORP, the sinister parent company of writer Soren Narnia, today announced a thirty-three million dollar loss on The Future Project, a ten-month plan to develop a better way to divide customers' groceries on checkout line conveyor belts.
Soren Narnia hatched The Future Project last year after a mixup at Safeway resulted in the accidental purchase of a tube of Crest which actually should have belonged to the guy in line in front of him. "The tube was kind of lying on top of the little plastic divider between our groceries, and somehow the cashier charged it with my stuff, not his," Narnia told Wired magazine in an interview last year. "That day, I knew things had to change in this society."
NARNIACORP's project to develop a new system of grocery division involved heavy investment in computer and laser technology and involved two controversial deaths of lab assistants over the past ten months. The entire affair was to be scrapped as of Friday with "little or no new innovations" being produced, according to sources.
"The technology is there," Narnia claimed at a press conference after the announcement was made. "It's just that the synergy was conflicting with the problem solving, solutions-wise."
AUTHOR NARNIA EXPRESSES HAPPINESS WITH TWENTY-YEAR OLD CHILDREN'S FILM
SAN JOSE, February 19 -- After watching Anne of Green Gables in its entirety on DVD for the first time today, Soren Narnia was heard to judge it "a freakin' low-key family treat" and "wholesome as a god***n loaf of freakin' freshly baked bread".
The three-hour and nineteen minute 1984 film, starring Megan Follows, Colleen Dewhurst, and Richard Farnsworth, documents young orphan Anne's adolescence on Prince Edward Island. Again and again, onlookers reported, it brought simple pleasure to Narnia's jaded soul and gave him a warm feeling of nostalgia which he would not shut up about for hours.
"That was just a (expletive) delight from beginning to end," Narnia insisted loudly. "I don't want to hear any (expletive) about how any other movie could be as gentle and warm as that motherf(expletive). You can just shove A Little Princess right up your (expletive)."
RECORD-BREAKING BET ON NFL PRO BOWL GIVES AUTHOR STRANGE DISTINCTION
LAS VEGAS, January 28 -- By betting $15 on the National League to win the 2004 NFL Pro Bowl, Soren Narnia broke the record for the largest-ever amount of money placed on the game.
In 1991, Linux administrator Dave Shuber of East Orange, New Jersey bet $10 while drunk on the American League to win the annual contest between the stars of both leagues. Narnia's losing bet shattered that record easily.
Narnia told reporters that naturally, he watched none of the game, deriding the very suggestion. "Yeah, I'll watch the Pro Bowl," he said mockingly. "Then maybe I'll just buy season tickets to the Arena League."
NARNIA FAILS TO CONVINCE STREET MUSICIAN TO PLAY "THIS WEEK IN BASEBALL" THEME (full story unavailable)
SOREN NARNIA WONDERS ALOUD WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BE GARY LAHTI
TALLAHASSEE, August 2 -- In a rather bizarre development, Soren Narnia, while eating ribs at a local Ruby Tuesday, wondered aloud to his lunch companion what it would be like to be actor Gary Lahti.
Lahti, a fairly obscure performer whose biggest credit is a co-starring role in George Romero's Knightriders, is not known to most cinephiles. Still, Narnia mentioned his name in bemusement on Tuesday, most likely the first time anyone has done such a thing.
"I mean, think of it," Narnia said. "Say you were in this one movie twenty-three years ago, and you were pretty good, but the whole fame thing just didn't pan out. Now you're a lot older and once in a while some nerd still manages to recognize you at Walgreen's for Knightriders and only Knightriders. And all your life, anyone mentions acting at all, you pretty much have to work into the conversation that you were in Knightriders. How can you resist? It's like a curse. I mean, I love Knightriders, but damn. Unless you were in anything else, it'd be, like, a mixed blessing."
It is believed that Narnia will be lunching alone for some time to come. Just last spring he was implicated in an incident at a Cheesecake Factory wherein he was heard to express the desire to be Bonnie Bedelia "just for a day or so".
NARNIA REVEALS CONTINUUM PREFERENCE
HOUSTON, March 2 -- While eating strawberry yogurt and watching the popular public television program Frontiers of Everything, Soren Narnia today expressed admiration for the space-time continuum, even placing it above other continuums you could name.
"If there's a crazier continuum than the space-time continuum, I don't want to know about it," said Narnia, then returned to his yogurt. The room he was sitting in was empty at the time save for himself and the television set.
NARNIA BEWITCHES MADISON SQUARE GARDEN CROWD WITH HAUNTING MUSIC OF THE AUSTRIAN ONE-STRINGED ECHOSPIEL
(full story unavailable)
AUTHOR DAYDREAMS OF STRANGLING INDECISIVE WOMAN AT POST OFFICE
SACRAMENTO, March 17 -- A woman in her mid-fifties who was unable to decide between stamps with vintage cars on them and stamps with roses on them vexed author Soren Narnia this morning at a local post office.
The woman had simply asked for a book of stamps when the postal employee behind the counter confused the situation by offering her a choice between the different stamp styles. This appeared to induce a cryptic state of suspended animation in the woman, as she was unable to make a choice within fifteen, then thirty, then forty-five seconds. Narnia, who was in a hurry to send off his latest short story, "The Vampire That Nobody Liked", to Big 'n' Creepy Monsters magazine*, became more and more irritated as the waiting ordeal went on and on, finally sighing heavily and in a demonstrative fashion. It was to little avail.
Narnia is said to have developed a pattern of irritation at minor disturbances such as these in the past six months. Neighbors claim he still won't let go of an incident which occurred at a local Food Lion in which he needed to get at a Celeste Frozen Pizza but was blockaded not once but twice from the freezer case by "morons" who were standing exactly where he needed to go.
* Narnia was allegedly sending the story as an entry in the periodical's annual fiction competition, which the rules clearly state is for children eight to eleven years old.