And Now For Something Completely Different

by
Sabershadowkitten

38 Web-Slinger

Friday, September 1, 2000

"Well, that was... not completely humiliating," Spike commented, embarrassed to the core. He unwound himself from Xander, climbed off his lap with as much dignity as possible, and cast about for some clothing. Spike was feeling very naked at the moment, and being literally so wasn't helping matters. "I don't think I've been this bleedin' red-faced since Angelus took me over his knee at a society soiree and tanned my bare bum in front of all and sundry."

"I can picture how that would be embarrassing," Xander snickered. He rose, dusted the sand off him, and moved to dress as well. "Kinda naughty, too."

Right, kinda naughty. Now Spike was even more embarrassed. "So, er, what was with the light show?" he asked, purposely changing the subject.

"Ah, the wonders of science." Xander held out his hand, and thin line of visible electricity emerged from the center of his palm and danced like a snake from a snake charmer's basket. "Without getting too technical, what I'm doing is pushing electro-molecules from my body after I reverse their polarity."

The thin line thickened and slowing wove towards Spike, resembling a pure white tentacle. "The negatively charged electro-molecules attract the positively charged ones floating in the air, like a magnet, and when they connect the electro-molecules become visible," Xander continued. The tentacle wrapped around Spike's bare waist and he was pulled gently forward, towards Xander. "The reason you can feel the 'rope' is, because your entire body is comprised of the positively charged electro-molecules, and the negative ones I'm projecting are attracted to you."

"Pet, everything's attracted to me," Spike said with a waggle of his brows.

Xander chuckled, and stopped pulling when Spike was right in front of him. He smiled. "Neat, huh? It's like I have an internal version of Spiderman's web-shooters."

Spike smirked at the comic book reference. "Very interesting. Tell me, what other hidden talents do you have that I don't know about?"

"I'm an excellent kisser."

"I already learned that," Spike told him, then silently groaned as embarrassment burned his cheeks again. He couldn't believe he said that.

"Well, you're about to get a review lesson," Xander said as he tangled a hand into the blond's damp locks. "Because I really need to kiss you again."

Spike's newly beating heart was suddenly slamming in his chest. After a second of stunned silence, he whispered desperately, "Please."

Xander's lips twitched in amusement before he sealed his mouth over Spike's. The vampire's pounding heart kicked up speed, and all thoughts flew out of his head as Xander ravenously kissed him. Spike's insides disintegrated under the assault, and he clung to the other man to keep from sliding bonelessly to the sand.

Spike was dazed when Xander finally broke the kiss. He couldn't seem to focus his vision, and the sounds of the incoming tide were drowned out by the hammering of his heart.

39 The Perfect Smooch

Friday, September 1, 2000

Xander wondered if he broke Spike. It certainly did appear that way. The vampire looked shell-shocked, and he was swaying slightly. His grip on Xander's arms, however, was brutal, like he was afraid to let go. It couldn't have been the kiss. Personally speaking, the kiss hadn't been one of Xander's best. It had been a bit too wet and sloppy, with way too much tongue.

Balance was the key to the perfect smooch, equal parts lips, teeth, and tongue. It had taken Xander months of extensive experimentation to achieve that balance, and since then he'd succeeded in turning 96.8% of his kissing partners into puddles of goo. It wasn't bragging, just a measured scientific fact. Sometimes science was fun.

Xander tilted his head and studied the man in front of him. The vampire wasn't all that ugly. Even though it looked like he'd been dipped in white paint, Xander could still see the strong lines of Spike's cheekbones and the ridges and bumps of muscle carved into his lean body. The erection trapped by the jeans Xander knew Spike put on, but he could see through with his X-ray vision, was boringly normal except for the foreskin, which most American men lacked. All in all, Spike was an eye-pleasing specimen of the humanoid male gender... and Xander still wouldn't have sex with him, even though he was now extremely attracted to the vampire. Unperfect or not, Spike sure did know how to kiss.

"Hey, you home in there?" Xander eventually asked, rapping his knuckles on Spike's head.

Spike blinked rapidly and seemed to return to Earth. "Huh?"

Or not.

Xander chuckled and released the blond completely. "Get dressed. I've had enough of the beach."

"Beach?" Spike looked around and appeared startled to find that's where they were. "Oh. Right. Okay."

Xander wondered, as he finished dressing, if Spike had brain damage from drowning. He hoped not. He'd hate to have to find and train another vampire, and they weren't the most trustworthy of creatures. He'd been lucky that Spike proved to be so loyal.

"Let's go for pizza," Xander suggested a short time later. He grinned slyly. "I'm starving for a Meat Lovers Supreme."

Spike promptly knocked the gear he was securing to the Hawk onto the ground. "Erm... sure. Whatever," he mumbled as he bent to retrieve the bags.

Xander blatantly ogled the vampire's firm ass. It seemed like such a waste not to sexually abuse it. Perhaps he'd have to rethink his rule on having to like the person he was rutting. Slipping between those pert cheeks might be worth it.

40 And Then He Kissed Me

Spike didn't get scared; he caused others to be scared. It was a fact of vampiric life. He could count on one hand the number of times he'd actually felt fear: when Angelus had been cursed, when Drusilla had been grievously injured in Prague, and when Angelus's curse had been broken.

Now, he had two more fingers to add to his count, and he didn't know which of the two had terrified him more: almost being sucked out to sea... or Xander's kiss.

The vampire rested his cheek against Xander's back. He could barely hear the steady flub-dub of the brunette's heart -- or was that his own heart? -- beneath the thrum of the motorcycle's engine as they cruised the streets of Sunnydale. Automatically, Spike leaned into the turns, the wind changing pitch as it whipped around him. The vibration of the Hawk between his thighs was familiar, almost soothing, which was what he desperately needed. He was thoroughly shaken by the events at the beach, and the ride to town would give him time to compose himself.

Xander had kissed him.

Xander had kissed him. Xander wasn't supposed to kiss him. It went against the natural order of things. Xander was supposed to smack him, annoy him, shock him with electricity, and order him about. Xander wasn't supposed to kiss him. And Spike sure as shit wasn't supposed to like it. Or want it to happen again. Or want more than just a kiss.

The idea of being lost at sea wasn't looking too frightening anymore.

"We're here, dingbat," Xander announced. The rough timber of his voice rasped along Spike's spine like a cat's tongue. And when did the boy start sounding like that?

Spike lifted his head and looked around. Sure enough, they were at the Sunnydale Pizzeria, the Hawk was parked and the engine silent. Xander was balancing the bike, waiting for the vampire to climb off.

Spike set his body on autopilot, since his mind was apparently still back at the beach. And why wouldn't it be? Xander. Had. Kissed. Him. The world had gone askew. Up was down, left was right, badass vampires were whipped into brainless submission, because of a kiss.

"Spike, do you want anything extra?"

The pizzeria materialized around Spike, although he could still hear the ocean waves lapping the beach. He was seated across from Xander in a red vinyl booth, a plastic red- and white-checked tablecloth on the wood table between them. Salt, pepper, and Parmesan cheese were pushed against a napkin dispenser at one end of the table. Voices of other patrons and the scent of cheese, tomato, and fresh bread filled the air. Xander's sunglasses sat on the table in front of him, and he was looking questioningly at Spike.

"You kissed me," Spike blurted.

The brunette's dark brow shot up. It was followed by a quirk of his lips. "He'll have an order of cheese bread, no garlic, and a MGD."

The twenty-something waitress, whom Spike just noticed standing at the head of the booth, cracked her gum. He almost sank under the table when she smirked at him. "I'll bring your drinks right out," she said, and walked away.

"Tosser," Spike grumped at Xander. He pulled a napkin from the dispenser.

"What?" Xander grinned evilly.

"You kissed me, that's what." Spike began shredding the napkin into small pieces. "Why the hell did you do that?"

"The first time, I kissed you to goad those stupid gay-bashers," Xander replied, leaning casually against the back wall of the booth, knee bent and foot propped on the bench seat.

Spike tried not to flinch as he remembered how well it worked, and the feeling of water filling his non-working lungs as he sank into the ocean. "And the second?"

"To see if you tasted as good as the first time."

Spike's heart pounded a double beat in his chest, which was quite disconcerting. Almost as disconcerting as Xander having kissed him. "I, uh, thought you didn't like me," the blond said.

"I don't," Xander said bluntly. "I can barely stand you. You're obnoxious, mouthy, annoying, irritating, and a general pain in the ass. It's all I can do not to kill you after a few hours in your presence."

"The feeling's mutual, ducks," Spike said dryly. "Which makes me question why the bloody hell we're still together."

"Because I trust you implicitly," Xander stated, his unwavering near-black eyes focused squarely on Spike. "And you're the only one on this planet that I do."

Spike stared at him, gob-smacked. The vampire felt as though he'd been kissed by Xander again. Well, no, not really. Xander's kiss had melted his brain while fueling other parts of his anatomy. Xander's words now simply made him speechless.

The waitress returned and plunked two moist bottles of beer on the table. She looked at Spike, at the pile of shredded napkin in front of him, at Xander, then grinned and walked away again.

41 Closed Subject

"Xander, right?"

Xander shifted his amused gaze from Spike to the hulk standing at the head of the booth, where the waitress had just been. The brunette frowned as he tried to recognize the human. "Er... oh. You're Buffy's friend."

"Boyfriend. Riley. Riley Finn," Riley corrected, glancing over at Spike. There was a pause as Riley waited for an introduction. Xander didn't give him one.

"So, uh," the big guy stammered. "Buffy's been wondering where you are."

Xander rolled his eyes, then looked over at Spike. The vampire was watching Riley with polite disinterest. "Tell her I'll call," Xander said.

Riley frowned, but nodded. "Well, see you," he said, and wandered away.

"Another big, dumb, Irish bloke." Spike shook his head. "Can we say 'Angel substitute?'"

"He's going to tell Buffy he saw us, guaranteed," Xander said, tilting his beer to his lips. He swallowed the watery brew and gestured at Spike with the bottle. "Though since I didn't give him your name, we shouldn't have any problems. Not that Buff's any threat to you."

"True," Spike said. "I could easily make her my third Slayer." He picked up his amber bottle of beer. "Funny how that doesn't sound very enticing any longer."

"I wouldn't let you kill her, anyway," Xander said matter-of-factly.

"I thought you trusted me," Spike half-smirked.

"I do. With me," Xander said. "I don't trust you with anyone else."

"Smart boy." Spike sipped his beer and relaxed back into the corner of the booth. "I think it would be more fun to bed her. Or seduce the Irish Potato away from her. The Slayer is beautiful when she's hurting."

"I thought you wanted to have sex with me?" Xander baited, shoving away the odd hurt he felt as well as the green tinge of jealousy. "If your reaction to my kiss was any indication, that is."

Spike froze, the beer bottle partway to his mouth. He looked at Xander for a long moment, then dropped his eyes. "I do, but I can't."

"Can't?"

The vampire shifted, not raising his eyes. "Can we not discuss this?"

"No. I want to know why you can't," Xander said firmly. If he was thinking of going against the rule about liking someone before fucking them, then Spike better well be honored by the privilege.

Spike slowly drank his beer, finishing most of the bottle before answering reluctantly. "Because I trust you, too. Implicitly. And I don't want to lose that just to get my end away."

Xander was surprised. Pleasantly so. And he understood. Trust in someone was nearly impossible to attain in this day and age, and if Spike felt sex would do something to harm that trust, then they wouldn't have sex. It was a pity, though. The vampire had a damn sexy ass.

"Okay, no sex," Xander agreed, raising his bottle in a promising toast. "But you don't know what you're missing."

Spike's mouth twisted in a parody of a smile as he met Xander's eyes. "Oh, I know what I'm missing. Being kissed by you was quite telling enough."

The pizza and cheese bread arrived then, and the subject was closed.

42 Hot Pizza and Cold Beer

Xander's mouth watered as the waitress set the pizza and cheese bread on the table. Steam rose from the round pizza dish, the scent of melted cheese, tomato, and toppings heaven to his nose. He flashed a brilliant smile at the waitress. "Thanks."

"Do you two need anything else?" she asked, passing out small plates and silverware wrapped in napkins.

"Another round of beers would be nice, thanks again," Xander said, turning on the charm. The pizzeria was getting full, and he didn't want to be ignored because of it. A little light flirting would prompt the waitress to check on them often, in spite of the crowd.

Spike dished out the pizza, and took a tentative bite of his piece. He relaxed. "They didn't bollix it up," he said around his mouthful.

"Good." Xander sank his teeth into the garlic-less pizza. Flavor exploded in his mouth, making his tastebuds very happy. Xander knew of nothing better than hot pizza and cold beer.

"So, pet, are we camping still?" Spike asked, joyfully munching as well. The waitress returned with their beers and moved off quickly to serve other customers.

"I think that would be best," Xander replied. "My freaky power suckage might react differently on the hellmouth."

"Has it yet?"

The plate glass window at the front of the Sunnydale Pizzeria shattered suddenly. Screams raised as a decapitated human body sailed into the restaurant. It hit one of the occupied tables, upending it, and sent dishes, pizza, and drinks crashing to the floor.

"Not that I noticed," Xander answered. He reached for the Parmesan cheese. "But I've been pretty isolated the past few days."

"Well, make sure you pay attention," Spike said. "I'd like to be far away if you're going to explode."

"And here I though you'd want a front row seat to my demise."

The door to the pizzeria slammed open, and a very large, very ugly yellow-spined demon stomped inside. Red-eyed, its gaze travelled over the screaming patrons. A forked tongue slid out to taste the air. Clutched in a clawed fist was a severed head, dripping blood and other fluids onto the floor.

"I would watch, if there wasn't a possibility of my being hit with a billion gigawatts of electricity," Spike confessed. He pulled a napkin out of the dispenser and wiped his mouth. "Having you push it into me now isn't all that pleasant."

"I could stop..."

"Hell, no! Don't do that."

Xander chuckled knowingly, and sipped his beer.

The demon roared and people scattered. Tables and chairs were knocked over in the hurry to escape. Children's piercing cries blended with the shattering of plates and bottles as they were knocked to the ground.

The severed head flew across the pizzeria and hit a fleeing patron in the back, sending her sprawling. Snarling, the demon stalked towards her, toenails clicking on the floor.

"So, you like being practically invulnerable," Xander teased. He set his beer aside and attacked his slice of pizza.

"I don't necessarily like it. It's more that I don't have to worry about being dusted," Spike admitted, swallowing a piece of cheese bread. "I do right by you, and the rest of the time I'm free to pursue anything at all, without limitations."

The demon picked up the woman by her hair, snarling and hissing. The woman shrieked, crying for help. The demon's forked tongue shot out and brushed over her cheek.

Xander's dark gaze flicked to the demon, then returned to his table companion. "At least you don't have a Supervamp complex."

Face streaked with tears, the woman briefly looked at Xander and Spike sitting casually in a booth, glanced down at the yellow-spined demon that had abruptly collapsed, then fled from the otherwise empty pizzeria out into the night.

"Somehow I can't picture myself wearing tights and trolleys," Spike chuckled, tilting his beer to his lips.

Xander grinned wickedly, black eyes glittering in the pizzeria's low lights. "I can."

The End

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