And Now For Something Completely Different

by
Saber ShadowKitten

28 Making A Quick Decision

Tuesday, August 29, 2000

Xander jabbed the buttons on the pay phone as he dialed, little sparks of electricity dancing between his finger and the number pad. The other end of the line rang once, and he slammed down the receiver into the cradle. Taking a step back, he grabbed the sides of the phone carroll, dropped his chin to his chest, and took several deep, calming breaths. It wouldn't do him any good to short circuit the phone, or to subject Giles to his bad mood.

"Stupid... idiotic... braindead... vampire." On his lips, the last descriptive sounded more derogatory than the first three.

Xander pushed away from the phone carroll and dropped into a crouch, resting his wrists on his knees. His anger at Spike for being gone so long was warranted. Spike knew Xander had wanted to see his old friends around dinner time, and maybe score a free meal. After what had happened at Willy's the night before, Xander had most definitely wanted to see them while the sun was still shining and before Buffy had caught wind of what had occurred. But Spike had blown that plan out of the water by absconding with the bike until almost sunset. Yes, Xander could've walked, but the Hawk was his baby, damn it, and he shouldn't have to. Plus, he wanted to have a fast out, if need be.

The look on Spike's face, though, was what had made Xander the most angry -- angry at himself. Spike's expression of stunned hurt when Xander had yelled at him had slashed Xander to the bone, before the vampire had gotten mad in return. The doof was in the wrong, so why shouldn't Xander yell at him? And he didn't even like the jerk, so why should he feel bad if he hurt Spike's feelings?

Xander growled in a passably vampiric manner, causing the actual vampire trying to sneak up on him to scurry away. This was not how Xander had envisioned his homecoming. He wanted to be smothered by his friends in welcoming hugs and kisses, and by the excitement to see him. He wanted the girls (and the unflappable Oz) to fawn over his tanned physique that had other men and women giving him hundreds of dollars to take off his clothing. He wanted to hear that he was missed, that they remembered who he was and wanted him to come home permanently.

What he did not want was to lose his temper at Willy the Snitch's bar; announce to the world that he could kick some major demon tail; act like the jealous boyfriend to his Butlerish vampire; and feel guilty that he'd snapped at Spike. Somehow, Xander was going to blame Angel for the mess that had befallen him. It hadn't been until they'd visited Deadboy that things had started going to pot.

Xander rubbed a hand over his jaw, stood, and picked up the receiver again. Maybe the shitiness of the past few days was a sign that he shouldn't have returned to Sunnydale yet. He could "see" with relative ease, but he had to wear his sunglasses almost all the time. He had control over his wild powers, but he couldn't predict when storms would develop. He could protect himself from the dangers of the night, but he was as weak as a newborn kitten immediately following a storm. He liked being alone, but was upset at himself for possibly sending Spike away.

Making a quick decision, Xander re-deposited his money and dialed. "Hey, Giles. It's Xander... Yeah, I'm going to have to postpone that presentation of the Life and Times of Xander Harris..."

29 Evil Teddy Ruxpin

Buffy was not a happy camper.

The blond Slayer practically stomped as she made her rounds and tried to wash away her worries with good old-fashioned violence. So far, it wasn't working. And it was all Xander's fault.

Buffy still didn't want to believe that Xander -- her Xander -- was one of the bad guys now. But the facts all pointed that way. According to Willy, who she'd made certain was telling the truth, Xander and Spike -- Spike! -- were buddy-buddy, with Spike saying that Xander was the one in control. Then, Willy reported Xander beating up at least three demons and not even getting a scratch. Add those truths to Xander's sudden appearance and rude and abrupt departure from Giles's had led Buffy to become a very cranky girl.

Buffy's ears perked when she heard the distinctive sounds of fighting and she upped her pace. But when she rounded the boathouse at the docks, she came to a sudden halt. She rubbed her eyes, blinked, then sighed unhappily when the fighters didn't disappear. One portion of Willy's information was now substantiated: Spike was undead and well and kicking major ass in Sunnydale.

The demon Spike was fighting was actually kind of cute. It looked like a giant dayglow teddy bear, if teddy bears had five-inch fangs and six eyes. The fur was literally flying, though, and Buffy could see bald spots where Spike had torn out chunks of hair.

Buffy decided to let them fight and wait until only one was left standing, making her job easier for her. She leaned against the boathouse, comfortable in the shadows, and mentally dissected Spike's fighting technique as she watched.

The blond vampire was very good. He used no real style, however; rather a mix of street fighting, kickboxing, and improvisational weapon use. Buffy could see why she'd had trouble with him in the past. She could tell Spike wasn't giving the fight his best effort, either, and he was still kicking big time hiney.

Then the blue-eyed peroxide blond made a mistake, and Buffy wondered at the strange twist in her stomach. Spike turned his back to his opponent -- something you never do in a fight -- and bent to pick up a fishhook from the ground. The Evil Teddy Ruxpin wasn't as injured as Spike apparently thought. The furred demon picked up its own weapon, a hollow metal pipe, raised it and bashed it down on top of Spike's head as the vampire straightened.

Buffy gasped, her eyes widening, but not because Spike's brains were splattered on the pavement. Instead, she was staring incredulously at the metal pipe... which had bent in the shape of Spike's head like in a cartoon.

Spike didn't seem to care about the bent metal or the fact his skull should've been smashed in. He stumbled slightly, then pivoted on his heel and glared at the other demon. He brought the fishhook around in a wide swing and gutted the bad teddy. The bent pipe rang when it hit the pavement. The dead demon simply 'thumped.'

Spike tossed the fishhook away, then manhandled the furry corpse to the edge of the dock. The dead body made a loud splash as he went to join Davy Jones' final resting place.

Buffy stayed in the shadows, unmoving, as Spike looped a bag over his shoulder and casually walked away. Only then did she venture out. She retrieved the metal rod and examined it closely. It was a standard metal pipe, nothing magickal or flimsy about it.

Buffy cast a worried look in the direction Spike had gone. She had a very bad feeling about this.

30 White Sandy Beaches

Wednesday, August 30, 2000

Xander squinted behind his sunglasses in the bright August sunlight, staring across the bright white Pacific. The stretch of white sandy beach he was on was deserted, rocky crags providing privacy on either side of him. He'd camped at the beach the night before and would do so again this coming night... and the next and the next until he felt ready to face his old friends. He'd left a note for Spike at the other campsite -- leaving without a word was something Xander would never do -- telling the vampire where he'd be. He didn't know if Spike would show up at the beach or not, nor did he rightly care.

The sound of the waves crashing on the beach was a soothing balm to Xander's worries. As soon as he'd awoken, he'd shed his clothing and slathered himself with a strong sunscreen, using a special sunscreen on his genitals. He didn't need to get a sunburn down there.

Sitting on his shirt with his legs extended, Xander leaned back on his forearms and looked out over the ocean. No one had bothered him since he'd arrived at the beach, just as he'd hoped. He allowed the salty breeze to blow the cobwebs from his mind. Although almost everything was white with his crazy vision, not being pressured to distinguish what he saw made it more calming than headache-inducing.

He was still fairly upset with his behavior at Willy's. The fight had been primarily self-defense, but it shouldn't have happened at all. He knew he was a human going into a demon establishment. His only reason for being there was to give Spike the Hawk's keys. Stopping for a drink had been simply foolish.

Xander sighed. What was done, was done. He couldn't change it, and dwelling on it did nothing but piss him off. He focused on the sand by his feet and, using his mind, created a tiny tornado by charging certain air molecules and killing others in a circular pattern.

"Interesting," a melodic deep voice commented from behind Xander. "Do you work magicks or are you telekentic?"

Xander jerked in surprise, the mini-tornado collapsing as he looked behind him. He blinked several times as his brain worked to decipher what he saw. Behind him stood a tall, lanky male. On the surface, he looked human, but his electro-molecular patter showed that he was definitely not.

"Um... hi," Xander said warily.

"Hello." The male smiled, walked around Xander and crouched by his feet. The guy picked up a handful of sand and let it run through his fingers. "I am called Lilac. And you?"

"Xander," Xander replied, pulling his knees up for modesty's sake.

"You need not hide yourself, Xander, for I do not plan to hide myself," Lilac said, spreading his arms slightly. His tackle was rather impressive. He was also rather aroused.

A corner of Xander's mouth turned up. "Is that an invitation or a threat?" he asked. He wasn't afraid. There was only one being on Earth he feared anymore, and that was himself.

"It is an invitation," Lilac replied. "You are an aesthetically pleasing specimen. I would like very much to lay with you."

Xander threw his head back and laughed. Amusement chased away any wariness he felt about the non-human. "Do you often proposition strangers sunbathing in the nude?"

"Yes," Lilac responded bluntly.

Still chuckling, Xander scooted over and patted the corner of the shirt spread beneath him. "Have a sit down," he invited with a smile.

31 Nothing Like A Good...

Wednesday, August 30, 2000

Lilac was a merman. And, incidently, a very good lay.

Xander hadn't met any merfolk before. The only one he was familiar with was Ariel from Disney's The Little Mermaid. Good flick. Sebastian reminded him of Giles, and Xander still kept hoping that Ariel's shells would get washed away by a strong wave.

According to Lilac, once upon a time, a fish fell in love with a human, fins and limbs combined, and under daddy's shotgun they were married in a cozy oceanside ceremony. Months later, the merfolk were born. Xander managed not to launch into the biological improbability of inter-species breeding on a molecular level after the story. For one, it would make him sound like a nerd. Secondly, putting down another creatures' historical legends was a sure way not to get repeat sex.

Had he mentioned Lilac was a good lay?

The day passed in laughter intermingled with passionate curses and breathy moans. Lilac was an ardent merman, and Xander was happy to bend over and take it. And initiate it. And participate in it. "It" was very, very good. Xander enjoyed Lilac immensely, over and over again.

Aren't I the little slutboy?, Xander thought with a grin, raising a hand in a casual wave. Lilac returned the goodbye and disappeared beneath the ocean's surface.

Xander felt better. Much, much better. Nothing like a good fuck to cure what ailed him. Next time, he wouldn't wait so long; he'd strip Spike down and...

Aack.

Xander fell onto his bare ass in the soft sand. No, no, no. He did not just think of Spike on his knees, proving how well a vampire could suck.

Gah.

Xander flopped onto his back, arms outspread in a mock crucifixion. Black eyes searched the dark grey soup that made up the night sky, looking for his brain which seemed to have floated off.

He did not want Spike like that. Really. Tracing the ridges of Spike's spine with his tongue as the vampire arched beneath him was not something Xander fantasized about. Really.

No, really.

Xander's laugh was more of a groan. There'd be too many complications in bedding Spike. Xander needed a helpmate, not a bedmate. Besides, he had a steadfast rule about those he slept with: he had to actually like them. He couldn't stand Spike a majority of the time, which was why they normally went their separate ways at night, mainly keeping touch by cell phone if necessary.

"Lilac, come back," Xander called weakly. The tension that had disappeared returned with a vengeance, accompanied by a fierce headache.

This was so not good.

32 Wordless Apologies

Thursday, August 31, 2000

The sun was high in the sky, and strong. Xander could feel it melting his bones as he lay ass-up in the sand. Eyes closed behind his sunglasses, he relaxed with his arms folded under his head, his chin propped on his fist. The waves lapping the shore provided gentle background music to his lazy afternoon.

"Hey."

"Hey," Xander returned the greeting. Lack of fear made any surprise at suddenly hearing a voice physically unreactionary. Besides which, he'd known Spike would show up sometime. The vampire was loyal to a fault. It was one of the few things Xander admired about him. "Cooler's moored in the water."

"Right." Xander heard Spike's belongings thump in the sand, then the rasp of clothing being removed.

A few minutes later, Xander felt Spike settle in the sand beside him. "Sunscreen?" the vampire requested.

Blindly, the brunette plucked the two sunscreens from beneath the sand by his elbow and passed them to Spike. "Here."

"Ta," Spike said. He greased himself up, then lay back in the soft sand. The sun was high in the sky, and strong, and Spike could feel his bones melting as he relaxed beside Xander, listening to the gentle sound of the waves lapping upon the beach. No apologies had been spoken, but they were heard loud and clear anyway.

Everything was back to normal.

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