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Feedback: YES, YES, YES I'M BEGGING!
Paring: Spike/Xander
Rating: R (language I guess)
Summary: Something happens and Xander is left to deal.
Spoilers: none that I know of. Angel lives in LA
Warnings: character death
Disclaimer: I don't own them, don't know them don't sue me
Notes: In Xander's point of view unless indicated other wise
Notes 2: okay this isn't beta'd just my attempts, if any one gets bored and wants to edit it go for it.



Living Without


by
Loopy



Xanders POV

Three months, three months since he was ripped from my life, three months since I stopped existing, stopped caring, three months since I shutdown completely. Nothing matters any more, only he mattered. Memories of him surround me, but yet I can't bring myself to touch any of it let alone get rid of it. Living in denial, living in pain, living in hope, I doubt its called living.

Two years of bliss, two years of being happy, two years with him. Two of the best years of my life. Once again fate had to step in, only her name was Buffy.


FLASHBACK

"Xan pet, do we have to go play with Slutty? Can't we stay home, I'm sure it will be much more enjoyable." His hands reach out and touch my arms.

Slapping his hands away as I say "Spike stop that, hands off, we promised her we would help patrol the nest of vamps with her tonight."

"But pet, my hands are just drawn to touch you, so yummy." His hands reach out again and touch my back pulling me into him. His lips go directly for my neck, instantly hitting my weak spot.

"Ahh...god...Spike..." His chuckling breaks me out of the moment. "Grr. You're so evil... later I promise."

"Baby did you just growl at me? I love it when you growl at me, you know it makes me hard."

"Spike you're always hard."

"What can I say it's all your fault, nummy treat and all. Anyhow, never hear you complain."

"Come on you. Grab your coat to hide that hard on. Were going to kill a demon."

"But pet.luv.fine know that I am doing this under protest." He never can say no to me.

"Love you."

"And that's meant to make my hard on better? Xan. Oh Xan I'm sorry. Come on let's go kill the vamps, so we can come home and fuck like crazy. You're lucky I love you too."

Heading out into the night holding onto his hand, no one looking at us, no one daring to make any kind of remark. Life was great when you're boyfriend caused fear with just a look.

We arrive at the cemetery to a pissed looking Buffy; her lips tightly held together her hands on her hips, tapping her foot.

"FINALLY! You're late! Next time you make a promise make sure you're on time."

"You're the bloody slayer. Afraid of a few Vamps?"

"Shut it bleach boy before I slay you."

"Buffy! Were sorry. You're in one piece so nothing's wrong. Would you please stop being mean to my boyfriend, he has a point, you are the slayer, you came to us saying you needed help, we're here, now lets get on with it."

"Xander! Fine, whatever, let's just get this on with." With that she turns and struts away, I grab Spike by the arm and follow her.

"Pet, can we just go home? Slayer's in one of her moods."

"When isn't she in one of her moods"

"Ohh pet! That's just.mean, I guess I am rubbing off on you."

"Come on, lets get this over with, the sooner it's done the sooner we can go home and finish what you started."

"You're the one who wouldn't let me finish."

"Could you image what kind of mood that would have put Buffy in."

"Who cares? She's the slayer, she can handle herself."

"I know. It's just."

"Ohh pet, I'm sorry. I know things have been harder with you and your friends since you and I."

Slowing down almost to a stop, taking a deep breath in, slowly I begin talking.

"It's not that Spike. Everyone has dealt, god even Angel is fine. But Buffy, I don't know, she just seems. When I was in high school I placed her on a pedestal and she was Buffy, the slayer, she was beautiful, every teenage boy's wet dream, she could do anything and lately it just seems like I'm seeing her different, like she's."

"Bitchy, self centered, up herself." My face breaks out in a smile, he can make me smile any time.

"It's just, why can't she adjust? Why can't she see how happy you make me? Sometimes it just feels like she is trying to make me choose."

"And if she did?" Stopping completely turning to face him, shock all over my face, he actually thinks I'll choose her over him.

Grabbing onto his face tilting it up, looking into his eyes I tell him. "If she did then we wouldn't have to put up with a bitchy, self centered, up herself slayer, she would be gone from our life. I never got many chances of happiness when I was growing up, I never imagined someone would really want me and now I have you I'm not giving you up. I'd still have the others."

"I love you, you know that, right?"

"I know. And I love you too. Come on, I think we're almost there." Kissing his lips lightly, taking his hand I lead us towards Buffy who has already arrived at the crypt.

"After three we charge in and start dusting."

Spike looks at me and rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

I just smile at him understanding what he is saying. This is a really bad idea, we should draw them out, not go into a closed room after them.

"You shouldn't go charging in announcing your presence."

"Can it fangless, no one ever asked for your advice."

"Fine, you want to get yourself killed see if I care but I will not have you putting Xander in danger!"

"And what do you suggest?"

"Draw them out, don't put yourself in a room full of pissed vamps, it's asking for trouble."

"Buffy, Spike's right."

"What is this, ever since you started dating him you always take his side, he's always right. God Xander, get a opinion of your own!"

"Watch your step, I will not have you upset him, Slayer."

"You stay out of this, it's none of your business."

"Excuse me, none of my business, it's about Xander, it's about your inability to let go of that grudge against me, he loves me, can't you just let him be happy?"

"Don't you talk to me like that, you're nothing, or have you forgotten, I can kill you where you stand."

"Have you forgotten I'm not a threat, I can't hurt you, let alone kill you, I'm here to help you."

"Help me! What, by brain washing my friends into believing you have changed?"

"I have!"

"You don't change, you can't change, you're a demon, demons don't change!"

"Are you forgetting your precious Angel? Or what, he doesn't count?"

"You leave him out of this. Don't you bring him up!"

"Ugh. guys."

"He's a demon too Buffy."

"He has a soul."

"And that's what makes it all so much better. Oh please! He can lose the bloody thing any second and he'll be worse then me and I don't have a soul."

"GUYS! Shut up! Were surrounded." They turn their heads and look around noticing the vamps.

"Have I mentioned how much I hate you today Spike."

"Shut up and get over it Buffy, there are bigger things to think about, like the vamps!"

Turning my head taking a brief count, counting about fifteen vamps. Before I can really register they start to close in on us. Spike and Buffy begin fighting off as many vamps as they can, holding my own against three, the vampires seem to focus on Buffy and Spike, not taking much notice of me, which is a good thing in my books.

Noticing the dust flying through the air every now and then indicating another vamp has been dusted. Dusting my last vamp I turn around and look at Spike and Buffy.

Walking over towards them, staring at Spike, his body as it moves in the fight, the muscles across his back and chest flexing, in full vamp mode, enjoying himself.

Dusting the last two vamps he turns around and looks over at Buffy a few inches away from him, as she is dusting her final vamp, she spins around holding her stake in the air she plunges it, before any of us can react, my world falls apart.

Running the rest of the way to them grabbing onto Spike shoulders as he looks at me.

"Love you always Xanpet." His body disintegrates into dust as he finishes the sentence.

Falling down next to where his remains lay, my chest begins to hurt, my throat feels tight.

"No.no.no.no.no." Wrapping my arms around my body rocking back and forth. Chanting over and over again. Tears fall down my face.

Suddenly her voice brakes my cycle. "Xan."

Ignoring her voice.

I continue to rock back and forth, my vision blurry with tears, my body aches, her hand reaches out and touches my shoulder.

Instantly everything becomes clear. She's to blame, she's just a self-centered bitch who can't stand anyone being happy.

Jumping to my feet I charge at her hitting her the best I can, tears rolling down my face, pain through out my body, feeling like I'm being ripped apart.

Grabbing my hands she holds them so I can no longer hit her, I begin to kick her trying to inflict as much pain as I can. Trying to undo her wrong.

Oh god he's dead.

Pulling my hands away from her, my body becomes limp with exhaustion, falling down beside a pile of dust, falling next to him.

"Xander it was a accident. I'm sorry I didn't mean to. There were so many vamps I mistook him for one of them. I didn't mean to I swear "

"You're sorry. She's SORRY. Sorry isn't going to do it. YOU KILLED HIM! For that I hate you. You never did like our relationship did you? Get out of my life Buffy I never want to see you again."

She reaches out to touch me again. "Xander don't do this. It really was a accident."

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME OR I'LL KILL YOU."

"Xander don't be like this. In time it will go away."

"You really are as naive and stupid as you look aren't you. And you really never listen to anyone, it's all about you, you, you! Didn't you hear me, if you want to live Buffy you'd leave now, and never come near me again."

"Fine, you want to know. I hated your relationship I hated the fact that he was a guy, I hated that he was Spike. I hated worrying about your useless life, worrying when that bleached blonde prick would decide to break your heart and hurt you."

"You're the one who hurt me."

"He was a vampire and I should have done that a long time ago, don't come crawling to me when you come to your senses and realize he was just playing you." She hastily walks away from me.

"YOU DIDN'T KNOW HIM!" I scream out to her.

Tears rolling down my face my body rocking in agony... Pain throughout my body.

I scream to the sky. "WHY ME, WHY HIM, WHY MY LIFE!"

It wasn't his time, he's eternal, his life wasn't meant to end like this, it wasn't meant to end. He's meant to out live me. How can I live without him?

Laying my head down next to the dust, lying there numb from all feeling but the tears which constantly flow down my cheeks.


GILES HOUSE (Giles pov)

"Buffy what happened to you. you're a mess."

"It's over."

"What is? What happened? Are you hurt."

"Only my feelings. After six years this is all the thanks I get, ungrateful bastard. He can just go to hell for all I care."

"Who? What are you talking about Buffy?"

"Xander, the useless excuse of a human."

"What happened?"

"We went after that nest. Killed all the vampires."

"And what is this about Xander?"

"No more miss nice girl. He thinks he can threaten me. He's the naive one. I'm the slayer, what could he do to me."

"BUFFY!"

"Giles don't yell I'm right here."

"Tell me what the hell you are going on about!"

"Oh that. pfft. I staked Spike."

Jumping to my feet, she what, oh dear lord.

"You what! Oh god, Xander."

"Who cares about Xander he told me he was going to kill me, Giles. He clearly has been spending too much time with Spike."

"Dear lord, I have to go." Turning away I head towards the door.

"Giles where you going? Could you pick up some ice cream I'm feeling munchy."

My body spinning at her request. The Buffy I once knew had been replaced with this person I didn't know and I wasn't sure I wanted to. "NO I BLODDY WELL WONT! You killed Spike. Do you not understand what you have done!"

"I dusted a vamp, simple as that. Xander will get over it, Spike and being gay were just some phase he was going through. In the end he'll thank me."

"Buffy after all the years I have known you have been a bit self centered, but blind! It wasn't a phase if you even bothered to look and see. Spike was different, nicer because of Xander. He wasn't annoying like he used to be. Xander smiled more then he used to, Spike made him happy, Spike gave him something his own parents couldn't give him, Spike gave him everything he had and more. Buffy it wasn't just nothing it was something.'"

"It was all a game, he was playing you all."

"Get out of my house Buffy. Don't come back until you are ready to take the blame and feel guilty."

"For what! What is it with you people, a girl does her job and suddenly it's a war, Xander can't do anything to me. He doesn't have the guts or the power."

"It's not just Xander you should be worried about."

"And who else should I be worried about?"

"Me. Ripper, willow she will want to hurt you for what you did to him."

"She wouldn't, we're best friends."

"She's been his friend longer, she loves him more. And you know what, Buffy."

"What?"

"Were not even the worst ones you have to look out for you know who else you have to worry about?"

"Who?"

"Angel, or Angelus, depends who gets the upper hand."

"But he loves me, we're soul mates. We're meant to be."

"You're nothing compared to how he feels about Spike. I don't have time for this, I have to go and help Xander. I'm only warning you because after everything we've been through, you deserved that much."

"But Giles."

"I'm going and when I come back you will not be here, you won't come around, you won't call until.just leave."

Grabbing my cell phone and jacket I race out the door jumping in my car I dial Willow.

"Hello."

"Get to the north cemetery, Buffy staked Spike."

"Oh my god, Xander."

"My thoughts indeed."

"I'm on my way."

Hanging up I dial Angel's number, why I'm not sure, he would already know thanks to the bond, to apologize maybe.

"Angel investigations, we help the helpless."

"Cordelia, I would like to talk to Angel please."

"Giles? Oh my god Giles. He's not here. He ran out of here about 30 minutes ago."

"Do you know where he was going?"

"There, he didn't say anything apart from he had to go to Sunnydale."

"Thank you Cordelia."

"Hey Giles?"

"Yes?"

"What's going on, you ring here, which you never do, Angel runs out of the office with tears down his face. Did you know they cried blood? And Angel crying completely wigged me out."

"Buffy, she staked Spike."

"And suddenly everything becomes clear. Oh no Xander. How is he?"

"I don't know yet, I'm on my way to him now, but you can imagine how he is. Listen I have to go."

"Tell Xander I said I'm sorry, okay. bye."

"Bye." Hanging up as I contiue the drive to the cemetery.


Cemetery (Xander's pov)

No.no.no.no. I can wake up now. WAKE UP. I'm dreaming this is just a nightmare, it's not true. why can't I wake up.

No.no.no.no. SPIKE! Baby love you love you so much. Spike. Wake me up, I can't wake up. This has to be a nightmare, this can't be real.

"Oh Xander."

"Willow? I'm not waking up, I'm ready to wake up, why aren't I waking up."

She goes to sit down on the grass next to me.

"NOO!" I yell causing her to jump; she looks down at where she was going to sit.

"Oh god I'm sorry." She says as she sits down next to me away from his remains.

"It's okay willow, this is just a nightmare, I'll wake up some time and Spike will be wrapped around me asleep. He looks so peaceful when he is sleeping all the harshness and attitude fades away and all that's left is Spike."

"Xander.this.it isn't... it's not a dream it's real."

"It has to be a dream, the powers or whoever decides can't hate me that much I can't live without him willow. Why me why him!"

"I don't know why Xander." Her hand strokes my hair, causing me to remember times when Spike would do it all the time, he would play with my hair during sex, watching TV, whenever he wanted to he would. I never complained I loved the feeling of his fingers working their way through my hair.

"Sometimes even they don't know why they do the things they do." My mind hears a new voice.

"Giles."

"I'm so sorry. She turned up at my house. She really isn't the girl we all knew at one stage."

Hearing her mentioned I begin to growl, a Spike trait. "I hope the bitch rots in hell!"

"Yes well, we can't kill her. She is human and the Slayer." No longer caring what Giles and willow are talking about only caring, only knowing this isn't a dream; Spike's really dead. NO.NO.NO.NO! My body overcome with tears and pain. I hear willow trying to sooth me, I can feel her hand rubbing up and down my back, but I only know Spike's gone, Buffy staked him.

Wanting revenge, but never wanting to leave this spot.

Lying here for I'm not sure how long. Forever wouldn't be long enough, forever wouldn't bring him back. Crying in agony, he's not coming back. Oh god he's dead.

"Xander we should get inside before the vampires decide to come and snack on us." Willow says, breaking my thoughts.

"I'm not leaving."

"We have to go before the vampires."

"Let them come."

"I'm not going to let you sit here and wait for some hopeless vampire to attack you."

"They wont. No vampire would be that stupid to attack him. You can't smell it, you don't know, but he is safe, he is protected."

Oh god Angel's here.I begin to cry for Angel's loss. His favorite childe is dead, and they never got to resolve anything. Without my knowledge Angel somehow convinces Willow and Giles to leave.

Looking up at Angel, I say. "Angel. Spike. Oh god, I'm sorry."

"Shh Xander." He says as he lies down where Spike's remains lie, it doesn't bother me as much as when Willow went to sit there, I guess being Spike's sire he has the right to do whatever he wants with Spike's remains.

Wanting to say something, I say the first thing I think of "You're laying on him."

Angel just pulls me into him, hugging me and says. "No we are, he was just as much yours as he was mine I made him but he loved you, he choose to belong to you."

"Angel."

"It's okay Xander I know. just remember him and love him."

"But I can't."

"You can and you will."

"How do you know."

"What you are going to say? Because we loved him the same. He just loved you back."

Angel's fingers replacing Willows, combing my hair as he hugs me.

"He loved you too."

"Yeah, but he was also afraid of me."

My eyelids drift shut doing as Angel told me to, remembering him and loving him. Falling asleep to the feel of his fingers, falling asleep to my memories of Spike. Falling asleep in the graveyard wrapped around Angel like he is my lifeline.

Slowly I begin to wake up, feeling the bed beneath me. Opening my eyes I look at Angel, he's next to me looking at something next to me. He turns his head and looks at me.

"It's not a dream is it?"

"No it's real, I called Willow and Giles earlier on to tell them where you were."

"Where am I?"

"The mansion."

"How did I get here?"

"I carried you, you fell asleep, and I didn't want to wake you, I didn't think I should take you to your place so I brought you here."

"My life... Everything. it's gone. Everything there, its us."

"It's okay Xander you can stay here as long as you want I'm here as long as you need me."

"What were you looking at?"

"Some drawings I did of Spike, he really was beautiful. I never really noticed how much. I guess I thought he'd be around forever, but now I look at them and I can see he was truly beyond beautiful. I want you to have them." He hands me the drawings, looking down at them. Angel's words hitting me, he really was beautiful.

Pushing the drawings away. "Angel I can't. They're yours."

"But I would like for you to have them."

"I...I.Can't. Angel.it's too, I can't..."

His hands stroke my hair in a calming way "Shh."

Curling my body into his. Tears falling from my eyes reality hitting me once again. 'Spikes dead'

Memories of the past day flash through my mind.

Memories of my life with him.

Reality crashing, everything. gone.

Days went by, every time I woke I wept. Angel being with me in a second of hearing my pain. Days turned into weeks, weeks of being without him.

The bitch disappeared from the group, no one talked to her, no one even willing to listen to her. Wishing I could get revenge.

Then the day came, the day I knew I had to go home.


His house first time since Spike's been killed.

Opening the front door, it feels like it weighs ten times it's normal weight.

Suddenly I'm afraid of what I know is behind the door, afraid of the memories, which are no longer reality, not wanting them to be true as they hurt too much. Still waiting to wake up.

Knowing I can't continue to live my life the way I have been. Can't continue it without him.

Coming back to the house we lived in, coming back here, making the choice to come here, the moment I stepped in the door, seeing everything, the decision was made. It will all be over, I'll be with him once again as he is my heaven.


Present

Going into the bathroom, I look in the mirror, seeing the face I have became, seeing who I am without him.

Filling a glass with water I set it down.

Opening the medicine cabinet, grabbing the bottle of sleeping pills, which had been prescribed to me one month ago.


FLASHBACK

"You don't eat, you don't sleep, Xander you need to look after yourself!"

Blocking her worried voice from my mind, no longer hearing her observations on my life.

"You don't eat, you don't go out, you stay here and."

YOU TRY LOOSING THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE AND THEN COME AND TELL ME HOW I SHOULD BE ACTING! I feel like screaming out her she doesn't know what it feels like she can't understand it, she can't!

"I'm taking you to the doctor."

Felling her arm grab me, not having the energy to fight her. No longer having the voice to talk let alone fight. Not having the will to talk since I stopped talking since that first night with Angel. My throat swollen and sore from all my crying and screaming to the gods that don't listen.

Once in the doctors I just sit there, missing Spike. Just like I do every other day.

Barely hearing her talking to the doctor, not paying attention to what he is saying.

Taking the prescription I act like I'm paying attention to him.

Willow drags me to fill out the prescription, then drags me to the supermarket, filling the trolley with food she knows won't be eaten but living in hope I will look after myself.

I know she wishes I stayed with Angel, at least then I wouldn't choose to be alone.


PRESENT

Grabbing the water and pills I walk into the lounge room sitting down on the sofa I open the bottle and spill some into my hand, looking down at the pills, grabbing onto the glass taking a gulp I grab one pill and swallow it down.

Letting the happy memories of him back into my mind. Remembering how perfect life with him was.

Grabbing onto another pill I swallow it remembering the first time he told me he loved me.

Remembering when we came out to the gang. As I swallow another pill.

Remembering the first time we made love. As I swallow another pill.

Banging breaks me out of my cycle. Slowly getting up, I start to walk to the door as it crashes in and Angel runs through.

"Don't do it he wouldn't want you to do it."

How.the.?

"I know what you're feeling, not only because I am feeling the exact same things but because I can feel certain things from you, the bond you have with Spike lets me feel your feelings, pain, your grief, your anger, love."

"I...can't...do...this...it... hurts." My voice harsh from not being used in a while.

"Killing yourself is the easy way out, killing yourself is giving up. It's weak. You're not weak."

"I'm weak without him. I'm not strong like you Angel. I can't be here without him. I can't live without him."

"I'm not strong Xander I'm barely hanging on. Ask Cordy, she dragged me inside a few mornings just before it got deadly for me. I'm only surviving because I know it's what he would want. He would want you to live."

"I...can't be happy with out him.I've tried.to live.to survive. I can't."

"Come to LA, live with me. Let's help each other.I know it doesn't seem like it Xander, but in time, in time it will heal."

"I don't want it to heal... I don't want it to be real. I don't want to have to survive. I want to be with him." Yawning I begin to feel my eyes get heavy, my body's energy drained I drop to the floor leaning against the counter to hold me up.

"Xander.. XANDER."

I feel his hands grab onto my face, his fingers opening my eyes.

"WHAT HAVE YOU TAKEN! XANDER LOOK AT ME."

"Shh. it's alright Angel. It will all be over soon."

"What have you done?"

"I have chosen.him." My eyes falling shut as my body begins to feel numb.

"Oh. god Xander. no. I can't lose you too. You're the only thing left. The only one left that knows how it feels, the only one left that loved him and was loved by him. You can't leave me. Now GET UP!"

"It's. too late. over soon."

"NO, NO, NO! Stay with me Xander."

His arms wrap around me picking me up easily, My mind going blank hearing his pleas.

"Xander.come on Xander open your eyes. Stay with me Xander."

Falling into sleep as he puts me in the car and drives us somewhere, anywhere I don't care.


Elsewhere

"'Ello luv."

"Spike?" My eyes well up with tears, feeling the familiar wetness hit my cheeks at the sight of him. Standing there before me. Looking better then I remember.

His hand reaches out and touches my cheek wiping away some of my tears. Causing more to flow.

"Oh. god.Spike.missed you.so much."

"You know I hate seeing you hurt baby. Hate seeing you cry. Love your smile. Smile for me baby."

Obeying his request I smile for the first time in what feels like forever. Wrapping my arms around his waist I pull him towards me with the biggest smile on my face, laughing and screaming in happiness. Feeling his body against mine again.

"Missed you. So glad." I run my fingers though his hair pulling his face to mine, kissing his face all over in joy of feeling his body once again.

"Missed you too pet. Not the same without you. You're here every day, the memories, our life, some I've never seen before. Even get to hold you. But I know it's not real. Feeling your pain, being shown how you are doing. Stronger than me pet. I would have seen the sunrise that first morning. So proud of you baby."

"I couldn't do it any more Spike. It hurt too much, you not being there. Would have happened sooner but Angel and Willow."

"Good! Mother hens the both of them. You're a bloody idiot pet. What the hell were you thinking not eating for how long? And then taking a whole heap of pills. Pet, if I wasn't so happy to see you, you would be in so much trouble."

"I wasn't okay, I couldn't think! But everything is okay now we're together."

Kissing his neck, tasting his flesh once again.

"Ugh. Love you so much pet. Feel so good. Fucking hell!" Feeling his face as it morphs into his demon face.

"What is it Spike? What's wrong?"

His hands touch my face, leaning in kissing my lips softly, breaking the kiss he whispers.

"Want to keep you. Keep you forever."

"I'm here to stay Spike. I'm not leaving." Running my fingers over his brow calming him down feeling his face morph back into human almost instantly. "What's wrong Spike?"

"You have to help him pet. You have to go back and help him."

Pulling away from him, trying to distance myself. He can't. He isn't! NO!

"NO! I'm not going back Spike, I wont. I can't, you saw how it was. I can't be without you!"

His arms wrap around my front kissing my neck, soothing me with his touch.

"I don't want you to go, I want to keep you. But he needs you."

"I don't care! I need you!"

"You have to go back pet... they're not letting us choose. They're making you go back."

"NO! How can they! They can't Spike. Please no! NO, NO, NO, NO!"

Falling to the ground crying, silently begging them not to send me back, to let me be with him.

Feeling him drop down beside me, wrapping me in his arms, his face buried in my hair.

"You smell so good pet, I'll always remember how you smell." Feeling his body rocking us. "Pet. luv. baby. Don't hate them, they're giving us now."

"Don't hate them? How can I not! They took you away, now I found you again they're sending me back. How could I do anything but hate them!"

"Yes, they also brought us together."

"I'll just kill myself again and again and again until they understand I wont live without you."

"Baby. no. I don't want you to hurt yourself. Want you. Need you to be strong and survive. Live for me. If for nothing else."

"Don't. Spike you can't. No. Damn you! You bloody know I won't deny you anything!"

"I need you to keep him alive, I want you to keep him."

"Who? Spike who?"

"Angel, you were right in what you told him that night, I do love him, just not as much as I love you. I need you to tell him that I said I love him, tell him he better take care of you or I'm going to haunt him, tell him nothing's to happen to you or else. Xan. He needs you. Stay with him."

Feeling his body go ridged he says. "It's time. Remember pet. I always love you. Forever. Remember."


On this reality

Groaning as I open my eyes, everything blurry around me, feeling like hell bent over twice, my body aches, my head hurts.

Blinking a few times trying to clear my vision, trying to sit up my arms feeling like Jell-O unable to support myself, turning my head I look around the room, it doesn't look like a hospital but it also doesn't look like a normal room. Looking at Angel asleep or what appears to be asleep in the chair.

"An.gel." My throat dry and sore. "Wa."

"Xander. Don't try to talk, here drink this." Holding a glass up to my mouth waiting for me to take a sip.

Drinking down at least three-quarters of the glass before stopping.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like hell. But okay I think."

"You scared me Xander."

"Yeah, well it was meant to be permanent. Where are we?"

"Whistlers, he knows people who helped you..."

"I... I saw him, Angel he was perfect, just like I remember him. He felt so good. Just holding him, hearing his voice."

"I. Oh god. I'm sorry."

"It's alright Angel, he told me to tell you something."

"He spoke about me?" His eyes glisten with unshed blood tears.

"He said to tell you that you better take care of me or else he will haunt you." Angel's laugh interrupts me.

"He would, you know."

"He said nothing is to happen to me or else. and you know what Angel?"

"What?"

"He said to tell you he loves you. He does love you Angel."

The unshed tears begin to roll down his face, his fears of Spike regretting the time together, for Spike hating him blown away with those words. Lifting my arm I reach out and stroke his cheek.

"Angel, they sent me back, he told me I had to come back to keep you, he told me I was to keep you, and that you need me. I think maybe we need each other."





The End






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