Chapter 4

Chapter 4It was early when I woke up this morning. I usually never wake up this early unless Jason is ready to get up. The sun was shining in over my bed threw the window and I decided to get up and make sure he was ok. I walked over to the crib and looked inside at my sleeping angel. He was still out cold, thank god, I needed my sleep. "You look so much like your father," I whispered brushing my fingers over his back.

He just stirred slightly as he drifted off into a further sleep. I took a deep breath and shook myself from even beginning to think about my problems with Taylor right now. I need coffee. I walked out of the bedroom I had been staying in and walked out into the living room area, expecting it to be empty this early on a Saturday morning. "Hey, Genna, what are you doing up?" Sasha my 26-year-old sister said sitting at the table.

"I'm so used to being up with Jason, I guess when I get the chance to sleep. I'm not able to." I told her grabbing a coffee cup from the cabinet.

"Yeah and maybe your still thinking about him. I hear you talking in your sleep sometimes Gen, you say his name and stuff," I couldn't look up at her.

I knew I did that. I have always talked in my sleep and I had been dreaming about Taylor almost every night. "Well he is on my mind," I told her sitting down at the kitchen table, "I mean he is the father of my child." I sounded a little snippy but I couldn't help it.

I hated that she couldn't understand why I couldn't just let him go. "I know Genna, I'm just saying that after what he did that you should try," it was easy for her.

She had a husband who was devoted to her and a happy little life with her children. "It's really hard. Besides, I talked to him yesterday," I told her still staring at my coffee mug.

"Yeah and I went to Walmart and talked to some guy that directed me to the restrooms. Talking don't mean shit. It's all about what was said that matters," she was looking at me and I could tell she was waiting for me to tell her something she could jump on me about.

"I'm going to New York next week for a little while. He wants to see Jason and we are gonna try to work out some of our problems." she just looked at me again before lowering her head and sighing.

"You're ridiculous. You obviously haven't learned anything." she rolled her eyes and bit into her donut.

"I am trying to do what I feel is best for me and I think Taylor is best for me!" I yelled at her.

Why couldn't someone just be behind me and support my decisions. Doesn't anyone understand how out of control everything is for me right now? "Yeah and I think your stupid," she said as nonchalantly as possible.

I was really shocked at what she had just said to me. "Stupid? I'm stupid? You're the one that followed Mom and Dad's rules and married someone your not in love with, it was always about being the proper daughter to you."

"And that’s why I'm still a part of their family, Genna, unlike you," that was so low and that hurt me so much I couldn't be in the same room as her.

"I think I here Jason," I said getting up and walking out of the room as quick as I could.

********
My cell phone rang loudly as I was playing with Jason on my bed. He was laughing and giggling up at me, "Look honey, it's your Daddy," I said showing him the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey Genna. Sorry I didn't call you back last night, I was out walking and stuff and by the time I got in, it was too late. I didn't want to wake the baby,” he explained.

"It's ok, I feel asleep pretty early," I lied.

I had tossed and turned all night to be honest, but I couldn't tell him that. "Oh, so you called? Whats going on is something wrong?" he was genuinely concerned, but that was no surprise.

The one thing in our relationship that I never questioned was whether he loved about me or not. "No, I just wanted to talk to you about what we talked about yesterday, you know, me and Jason coming up there."

"Really? Have you thought about it?" he sounded eager.

"Yeah I have. And I think it will do all of us some good if I come up there," I told him.

"That's great Genna, I was really hoping you would decide to come up. Do you know how long you want to stay?" he sounded really thrilled.

"I haven't really thought about that. I was just thinking I would come up there... and stay for awhile," I didn't want to have to come back here, where my whole family had problems with everything I did.

I wanted to go home to Taylor and the three of us to be one big happy family again. "You mean just stay. Give us another chance?" he sounded nervous, I was nervous.

"Yeah I think so Taylor. I'm not promising anything I just want to give it every thing I can and if it doesn't work then at least I know we tried. I want you to be near your son again."

"I have missed the both of you so much. I can't wait to see you and Jason," I was getting that warm feeling inside me again, the one that Taylor has always given me.

"I will book your flight today," he said excitedly, "When do you want to come?"

"I need a few days to ship some of the babies things back to New York Taylor, so I think next Thursday or Friday will be a good time."

"Ok, that’s what I'll book," he said.

"Just let me, but I really need to go. He is getting restless and hungry. I'll talk to you soon though. I'll see you soon."

"Of course I'll let you know. Take care of him and I will see you guys in a couple days, I love you Genna and I love Jason." It had been a long time since I said it back, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it back.

"I love you too, I'll talk to you soon." I said to him.

We said our good-byes and I hung up the phone feeling happier and lighter then I had felt in a long time.

ZAC
I rolled over and expected to find a sleeping Joley coming closer to get more of my body warmth, but to my surprise the space was empty. I could hear the sound of the water running in my bathroom and I put two and two together. She was taking a shower.

It was Saturday and I really wanted to sleep or at least cuddle with my baby. Instead I had to settle with laying my head oh her vacant pillow. It smelt like her, I loved her scent, I loved absolutely every thing about her. My love for her was so much that I could never really express it to her. Its just impossible to make anyone really understand.

It is strange though. Isaac says to me once and a while that I should think about experience life a little more, but I don't. I mean I have known her since I was six years old and as impossible as it sounds I think I have been in love with her from the first day I laid my eyes on her. We were each others first everything, first kiss, first date, first love. I wish she could be my first.... but I couldn’t do it. It was still to painful for me.

I heard a voice, male voice coming from the living room area and I knew immediately that he was home. He really makes my insides boil. I just have to look at him and he makes me get that burning feeling in the pit of your feeling. When I look at him, I remember.

I remember everything that happened. Like it was yesterday. Them surrounding me, demanding me to do the most indecent, embarrassing things and all he did was stand there. He stood there like a statue never once even so much as moving slightly. He didn't care about me or he would have helped me. He would have stopped them. Even as I begged for him too help me, to do anything, he just watched. So no one should ever ask me what the hell my problem is with Taylor.

If only they knew what he's done to me, how many problems I still have all because he was a coward. Taylor is the reason I hate being naked, Taylor is the reason I have a problem looking at my body in the mirror, Taylor is the god damn reason I can’t make love to the only woman I have ever loved.

I rolled off her pillow and ended up on my back. I stared at the ceiling for awhile, I really needed to think of something else or it would just ruin my whole day. "You mean just stay. Give us another chance?" I heard him say.

I knew he was talking to Genna. She deserved better then an asshole like Taylor. I always thought she should get away from him as soon as she got the chance. Spying and eavesdropping is not something I normally do, but in this case I just couldn't resist. I got out of bed slowly and grabbed my T-shirt on the floor. I walked over and opened my bedroom door to let his voice travel in a little more. "I love you Genna and I love Jason." he said making me begin to fume.

He didn't fucking love her or his baby! If he loved them so much then he wouldn't have just let her up and leave. He would have fought to be with her or at least fought because she was taking his child. If something like that ever happened to me and Joley and she was going to my child a thousand miles away, I would do everything in my power to keep my child close. If he gave two shits about them he would have spent just a ounce more time with her every chance he got. She was right here and he just took it for granted.

I remember how stressed she got when she had the baby and Taylor didn’t help her do shit. Joley, Isaac, Me even Rachel helped her as much as we could but Taylor never got off his lazy ass. God forbid he takes time out of his day to help his girlfriend and his child, but instead she had to turn else where not to the man that 'loves her.'

I heard him hang up the phone and he came walking out of the kitchen blatantly happier then he had been in a really long time. He is not supposed to be happy, he needs to suffer for the rest of his life because it seems like that's what I'm gonna have to do. "Oh Zac," he had spotted me in my door way, "What’s up?"

I just looked at him for a moment, "Was that Genna?" I asked.

He smiled back boldly, "Yeah, she's coming back next week. We are gonna try to work out our problems."

"Shouldn't you be saying she's gonna try to deal with your problems because you were the reason she left. Genna didn't do anything wrong, except maybe sleep with you," he stared at me with an look I couldn't read.

"Why do you have to friggin' start with me every time you lay eyes on me? I'm in a good mood and you just have to find away to ruin it, Damn it Zac I don't understand it,” he was looking for an explanation as to why I have been like this.

I shouldn't have to explain what he did to me. "All I'm saying is that she gave her part and not to mention most of yours. She was here giving up her life for you, she didn't care about her future, she was making you that and the best you could do was put her as a third or fourth priority. And I have been meaning to ask you, do you even know what your son looks like, cause what have you spent like three minutes with him in these first eight months?" there was that burning in his eyes and I felt slightly better that I got to him, "I think it was all about your image. You had the All-American Girl on your arm and a bouncing baby boy at home All they were, were your accessories."

"ZAC!" Joley's voice yelled from behind me, stopping Taylor from responding.

"Hey, honey. I didn't know you were out of the shower?" I really hadn't wanted her to hear any of my conversation with Taylor.

She has been really getting on my case about it. "You're such a prick Zac!" Taylor yelled.

"Both of you, please, can you guys just stop? For one day, that's all I want is one day where you don’t try to kill each other. I'm so sick of this shit," she was angry, but she looked so cute in her towel and robe.

I walked into the bedroom as she walked back in it, "I'm sorry Joley," I said quietly.

She didn't respond she just began getting dressed. I was still a little shocked how she was so comfortable wearing little to no close right in front of me, "How can you do that?"

"What?" she asked.

"You know, just drop your robe and get dressed right in front of me." she snorted.

"It's not like its something you haven't seen a million times. Unlike you, I don't have insecurities with my body at least around you."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I was a little defensive, I knew what it meant.

"I just wish you felt comfortable around me, you know, sexually," she said quietly.

"Sexually? I'm very comfortable with our sex life thank-you," I was really shocked.

I was always open when it came to sexual things. "Sex life Zac? We have never had sex so we don't have sex lives," she sounded irritated.

"Oh so that's it, because I don't feel like I'm ready, your gonna bitch at me?"

"NO! I just don't understand how you can not be ready to be intimate with me but we have been together since we were barely out of diapers. I have known that you were it for me since I was fifteen years old. I am living in your home, sharing your life, but we can't make love. It bothers me, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with us, with me!" she had tears in her eyes and I had a pinge of pain in my stomach.

I didn't think I could hate Taylor anymore then I already did, well that just changed. "I want to be intimate with you Joley, I love you, but its...." I wish I could have told her, maybe it would make everything go away, but I couldn't.

"But, what? What could your reason possibly be?" "I... just feel like we might be... it just doesn't feel right..." she shock her head and then turned away.

"Whatever Zac," she was upset.

I knew she was and I hated making her like that. "Joley," I said walking over to her and turning her to look at me.

She had begun crying and I pulled her into me, "I'm sorry baby, please don't be mad ok? I just want it to be special and magical. I don't want to fight with you today," I was hoping she would buy it.

"If that's how you feel Zac, then what else am I supposed to do but deal with it? I'll be fine, just please, for me, just for one day don't fight with Taylor. I need some peace ok?" she begged and I could at least do that for her.

"Ok," I said kissing her and hugging her tightly.




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