It was chaotic for sure but it was different. In my family there were always fights and animosity between everyone. This chaos was peaceful in a sense. There was no stress no raised voice, just a family trying to work together to get things done.
Rachel, Joley and I were busy cleaning the sitting room and den for everyone to hang out in after dinner. I was thankful that I could help considering all the hospitality this family has given me over the years and the younger kids were looking after Jason for me.
“I’m surprised you didn’t want to go home for Thanksgiving?” Rachel said as she dusted above the fire place.
“I don’t really talk to my family at all anymore. I mean my sister that’s about it, but even her. I hate her husband and she just belittles me,” I explained, “How about you?”
“My family aren’t really thanksgiving people, ya know. So we sit at home and relax. I mean we get together and eat and stuff but it’s not like Christmas or Easter for us,” she explained.
“Joley’s the lucky one,” I said with a smile.
“Huh what?” she said as she picked her head up out of the cushions of the couch.
She was vacuuming inside to make sure they were as clean as could be. “I said your lucky. Your family is here for Thanksgiving. You didn’t have to chose where your going.”
“Oh yeah, I’m so lucky.” she said with a sarcastic smile.
We both laughed but knew she was playing around. Joley is the all-American girl. For her to not like her family would be like McDonald’s not selling french fries. “Zac really gets along with your family?” Rachel asked.
“Oh yeah. My mother wants to adopt him. I think she actually likes him more then me,” she nodded pushing the fallen hair out of her face.
“I wish my parents liked me, let alone Taylor,” I blurted out.
I didn’t mean to say it. It kind of just happened and I was sort of embarrassed. “If I’m over stepping my boundaries, then I’m sorry. But, your parents are idiots! I mean they are missing out on a wonderful person and a beautiful grandchild all because you refused to get married. How can a piece of paper mean more then a relationship with their daughter?” Rachel stated.
“My parents have their own logic and even though no one else understands it, they do. No one is going to change their mind either once they have decided.” I explained.
I was annoyed at myself for bringing up my parents. The thought of them gave me so many mixed feelings. I was so angry but I was sad and I just didn’t want to deal with that now or ever. “It must hurt,” Joley said quietly staring at me compationaltly.
“Yeah, sometimes,” I heard myself say, “I mean they were always so ridiculous and if this hadn’t happened I would still be speaking to them, but I have never been close to them. You just can’t get close to them.It still hurts though,”
“Of course it hurts,” Rachel said, “They were your family.”
I laughed a little shrugging my shoulders. “Yeah, now I don’t have a family except for Taylor and Jason.”
“Hey, we’re your family too. We all pretty much sisters anyway,” Joley joked.
I laughed. I loved these two girls. “Umm... how about the two of you speak for yourselves,” Rachel told us with that look.
“Oh, you and Isaac are pretty close,” I said with a wink.
“Nowhere near close enough to even consider that,” she laughed.
“Really though even if something ever happened. We should all stay close. You guys are great!” Joley said with a sentimental look in her eyes.
“You big retard!” I said laughing.
She gave me an playful look and started laughing. Rachel wasn’t far behind. I felt better and I decided I wasn’t gonna let my problems ruin these good times I have with these girls.
The huge bunch of us all agreed as most of us began to finish our food. “Let me tell you something Rachel,” Diana said placing her hands on her shoulder, “You need to stop calling me Mrs. Hanson and call me Diana ok?”
Rachel smiled at her, “Ok,” she said.
It was really a wonderfully peaceful meal for me. The conversation was so wonderful. Joley’s family are really some of the nicest people I have ever met but Taylor held Jason the entire time. He fed him and was so amazing with him.
Since that day on the bus when Taylor and were intimate he has been so different in such a positive way. I feel like things are starting to return to what they used to be. His relationship with Jason is getting so much better and I feel so at peace.
I looked over at him as he put a little turkey on his finger and fed it to Jason and smiled. He must have seen me looking at him and smiled back. I couldn’t have been happier right now. “Mom?” Jessica said suddenly.
“Yes sweetheart?” she asked as she started to clear some of the dirty plates.
“Can Justin and I go to the movies later?”
I looked over at Joley and then Rachel nervously. I knew her brothers were gonna catch on to that. “Who else is going?” Walker asked sternly.
I didn’t even think about the feelings he must be having. She was his little girl, “Just us Daddy,” she said flashing him a smile.
He was about to protest but I saw Diana glare at him frm across the table. “Yes honey of course you can,” she said.
“Thanks ma.”
“Umm... do you mind me asking why her and Justin are going to the movies together?” Isaac said lowering his head so only the group of us could hear.
Joley’s family and the rest of the Hanson’s were already busy in conversation. “Justin is dating our sister,” Zac said coldly.
“Are you kidding me!?”Isaac asked bitterly.
“No!”
“I’ll hurt that little twirp if he even thinks about something the wrong way,” Taylor said showing his usually well hidden rage.
“Hey, that’s my brother!” Joley said.
“Oh sorry,” he said with a slight smile.
“Yeah!” she gave him the eye.
“Who wants Cherry Pie?” Diana asked.
Taylor about jumped out of his pants as she put it down on the table. “Mom, that’s one pie?”
He sounded panicked. “There is plenty more. I made a lot cause I know it’s your favorite!”
“Oh ok,” he said as he calmed down.
Oh my Taylor he is so complicated but yet so simple.
He would see my wrath if I found he was touching her. "Isaac?" Rachel said touching my arm breaking me from my trance.
The six of us had gone into the den to hang out while Joley's family and the rest of ours continued having conversations at the dinner table. "Huh? Of what?" I asked her.
"Your look out of it is everything ok?"
"Oh yeah, baby. I was just thinking," I put my arm around her and she snuggled into me.
She was leaning her whole body against mine. She has been so attached to me lately. I could get used to this. "I can't believe Jessica has a boyfriend," I said.
"I can't believe Dad let her have one," Taylor said back.
Yeah come to think of that. It was kind of a shock that my Dad was taking it so well. "Well, just because Dad said yes doesn't mean I'm allowing a little punk ass to corrupt my sister! He probably only has one thing on his mind," Zac said bitterly.
They were always very close and they were the closest in age out of the three of us. He protected her the way I used to protect them when we were younger. "Umm excuse me Zac, but the last time I checked that punk ass happens to be my baby brother!" Joley said her hands on her hips.
"Yeah and he is dating my sister!" Zac snapped at her.
She gave him that look and the sternness on his face broke a little. "Sorry," he whispered.
He was so whipped. I mean now that I'm thinking about it I have known little Justin since before he could walk, I'm sure he is the same kid. "Guys maybe we are being ridiculous. I mean he is probably the same sweet kid we have always known," I stated.
Joley's family was always so nice I couldn't imagine any of them having bad intentions. "Yeah, well it's very possible that sweet little kid is sticking his sweet little hands down Jessie's pants!" Taylor said angrily.
"Taylor!" Genna yelled.
I hated to admit it but it was a possibility. "I think we need to talk to him!" I said suddenly jumping up from the couch.
"Isaac sit down. You guys are being ridiculous," Rachel said grabbing my shirt.
"No we are not. They are sixteen years old a lot could be happening between them and I want to talk to both of them," I explained rationally.
"Lets go!" Taylor said standing up obviously agreeing with me.
Zac didn't say anything he just got up and went to the door. As we walked out I heard Rachel say, "Poor girl. Thank god they're not my brothers." We walked into the pool area where Jessica had they were going to sit.
They were laying together on beach chair watching something on the projection TV over the pool. She was laying on his chest and he was running his fingers threw her long blond hair. "Uh hmm!”
Taylor cleared his throat to get there attention. Justin's hands moved immediately and I could tell he was trying to get up quickly. Jessica didn't move however and it kept him right where he was. "What?" she asked obviously not fazed by our presence or our sternness.
"We want to talk to you about... this!" I said referring to her and Justin with my hand.
"Ok what?" she asked again still not moving.
"Why are you going to the movie theater to go ice skating. What do you think we are going to th movies for, to see a movie!" she said rolling her eyes.
"Are you two having sex?! Cause if you are believe me I know the consequences," Taylor asked suddenly.
Even I looked at him. I couldn't believe he just came out and asked the questions we all wanted to ask. "NO!" she yelled looking mortified.
"Justin?" I asked.
He looked like he just shit his pants. "No absolutely not. I would never disrespect Jessie in that way." he said.
His voice must have cracked six times. "Jessica if you are please be smart about it," I pleaded trying to be the rational brother, "and Justin I will kill you," I added with a smile.
"Would all three of you please stop. We are not having sex not that it's any of your business if we were but were not so please just leave us alone ok. Justin and I are old enough to make decisions based on our judgement, so please!" she begged.
"Ok, come on guys," I said getting them to walk with me to leave them alone.
"I got my eye on you!" Taylor said one last time as he spun around and pointed in Justin’s direction.
She came out of the shower drying her hair with a towel. I could see her face was stern and I wasn’t sure why she had that sour puss on her face. Everything was fine before. “Rachel. Come here,” I said lowering the covers of the bed I used to sleep in when I was younger.
“No,” she said very straight.
I knew something was up, “Rachel, what’s the matter?”
She spun around and glared at me like I had killed her dog or something. “You know what the hell is wrong!” she yelled.
“Hey, keep your voice down it’s late,” I urgently reminded her sitting up quickly.
She just stared at me and shook her head. I really was baffled by what was going on, “How dare you Isaac?! How dare you tell someone something so.... so secret!. That was my business to tell not yours!” she had tears in her eyes but I could tell she was forcing them in.
Oh shit! I knew exactly what she was talking about. She didn’t have to explain anymore. This morning I was talking to my mother and she knew something was up. She is my Mom, I couldn’t lie to her so I told her about what happened that night at the train station.
My mother was bothered by everything that bothered me but then some. She told me I needed to talk to her. I really needed to get her to talk about it, but I didn’t know how and I also explained that to my Mom. She must have taken that as I needed her to talk to Rachel and she took it into her own hands. “I’m sorry,” I said softly.
Rachel was right I shouldn’t have said anything but I was messed up by the incident too. It was pretty traumatic thinking someone so special to me could have been dead in a matter of seconds. I would never have forgiven myself if that happened to her.
“No Isaac, this isn’t something you say sorry about. You had no right telling her anything. Telling anyone anything about that night! And you made it some big to do.”
I was shocked. She wasn’t really gonna act like this about what happened. I mean I knew she wasn’t grasping it, but I thought she understood the situation. “Made it a big to do? Umm it was a big thing a huge thing!” I felt my voice raising.
“It wasn’t! Ok so I got into a situation that could have been bad but it’s over it’s done with, move on,” she wouldn’t look at me at all right now.
I knew she was just holding up a barrier for whatever reason. “You can’t just move on unless you deal with it Rachel,” I softened my tone.
Her finger went up and she narrowed her eyes, “Don’t you dare fucking tell me what I can and can’t do!”
“Excuse me? Don’t be getting all annoyed at me cause I was worried about you I wanted to help you!”
She walked over to the bed and looked me deep in the eye, “You know what Isaac this is none of your business!”
I was absolutely furious. I could feel my blood boiling I just wanted to shake her and make her open her eyes. “None of my business?” I barked back, “The last time I checked this was very much a part of my business. I was the one running around like a maniac looking everywhere ready to run threw a fucking wall to find you. My heart was pounding so hard and all I could keep thinking was what if I didn’t find you!? I was there I felt fear ok so it is my business!” I exploded.
She looked at me and her expression stayed stone for another moment or two, “Your heart was pounding, you felt fear?! How dare you say that to me cause you have no idea what it was like for me! You don’t know what it’s like to have a knife to your throat or be told how your going to be raped and killed! Ok? So don’t even,” she was choking up and there were tears falling but she still wouldn’t give into them.
“No I don’t know what it was like because you wouldn’t talk to me at all!”
“Oh so that is what this whole thing is about the fact that I wouldn’t open up and tell you what happened? Well if your that fucking ridiculous then I don’t even know who you are!” she was still fighting the tears.
“No,” I shock my head in emphasis, “I don’t care on bite if you opened up to me! I care that your bottling this all up. I just want you to open up to someone,” I was pleading with her to listen to me for once.
“This is no one’s business but my own, ok Isaac? I am choosing to forget it ever happened that’s how I’m dealing with this. I’m sorry if that’s not good enough for you, but that’s working for me!”
“Working for you? You have been so weird since, so weird and yet you say it’s working?” I didn’t know what else to do or say.
I didn’t think she was going to budge at all. She turned to me again but this time I could see the tears streaming down her face. “Well I don’t know what’s gonna work. When I don’t think about and force myself to forget he crawls into my mind. I see him in my dreams. I relive what he was going to do to me, but only this time your not there to save me! I hate thinking about him, but he’s always there. Always There!” she broke down.
I couldn’t get out of that bed quick enough. I ran over to her and wrapped my arms around her quickly. I pulled her to me and she sobbed into my bare chest, “You don’t have to hold it in. You can open up to me,” I whispered to her.
She pushed away from me and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, “I can’t just depend on you.”
I was a little taken back, “Of course you can depend on me,” I said with all my might.
“No, I can’t. Because your not always going to be there and I need to protect myself.”
“Rachel,” I said as she let me run my fingers threw her hair, “You are right that I’m not going to always be there but doesn’t mean you can’t lean on me now. I’m here let me help you.”
She cried a little but wouldn’t let me take her in my arms right away, “What if you hadn’t of been there Isaac?” she asked suddenly.
“That would never have happened,” I explained to her.
“But what if you hadn’t been there? Do you know that the only reason I fought to get away from him was because I heard your voice?” She looked me in the eye.
I felt a tug at my heart. One I haven’t felt for a long time, “Rachel?” I asked.
“Yeah, I didn’t do anything till I heard you. I just let him say those things and do those things. If I haven’t heard you.... I think I’d be dead right now...” she covered her mouth with her hand and cried into it.
“Don’t you say that! You are not dead and there is no reason for you to ever think that it would have happened!” I said grabbing her face.
She just start to cry and I pulled her to me slowly. Suddenly, her whole body collapsed into mine.
I put her in the bed with me and a hugged her for the next few hours as she cried and talked about what happened. She told me about her fear and pain. I tried to wipe away every tear that came out of those beautiful eyes.
I went to sleep holding her happy she opened up to me and finally let me instead of pretending she was ok. But, I was even happier that I went to sleep holding the girl that made me feel things I haven’t felt for a long time.