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Today's Fabulous Graph

Posted by Stewing Chartophile on Tuesday August 1, 2006 at 9:00 AM EST
Topic: Graphs!
Tags: Oranges, Apples, Petroleum, Global Warming, General Disaster, Chaos, You're It

With the American peak in apple production in 1965 and orange production in 1985, I decided to create this fabulous chart in excruciating detail to show how petroleum relates to the spiral in which our culture is presently embedded, leading into the abyss, plotting it with the the especially high density of the readers of THD in mind, so that world energy production can be shown to reach its apex right as we hit the point when we had frittered down to where crab apples and seeded, sour oranges (unlike the light, sweet, valencias we grew until the late 1970s) disconnect past the "gee" spot into the overall picture of world disaster. In keeping with my famous gradient backgrounds, I chose the background colors of the graph as a lightened version of the deep green of orange leaves, and a hint of the light off-white color during apple blossom time. It is recommended this be analyzed over a glass of deep merlot, for it is too important to view while sipping a meek chardonnay.

There's more... (26,671 words) | Comments (412 new, 418 total) | Permafrost

What I Tell My Students

Posted by Silly Gander, Ph.D. on Tuesday August 1, 2006 at 8:30 AM EST
Topic: Walmart, Collapse, Educational Nonsense, Trigonometry and Calculus
Tags: Lithe Young Bodies, Lectures, Irrelevancy, Happenstance, Closets

If we could only bring calculus to the masses, I think we might be able to mitigate the present fruit depletion curves and save a ton of petroleum for the future as 280,000,000 Americans would be studying their lessons instead of shopping at Walmart. And if we cannot bring them calculus, at least offering trigonometry might help. I would like to get several senators to co-sign onto a bill that would make math more momentous. This is what I teach my undergraduate students who know my real name, unlike THD readers, as I really am a real professor in real life, if you really didn't know.

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem the media is likely to give up time willingly from reality television for calculus class, so I also tell most of my students they should practice planting lettuce seeds and eating dirt in their spare moments when they're not busy studying for my class or getting high on drugs.

There's more... (4,671 words) | Comments (112 new, 112 total) | Permafrost

Fuck Everybody, Fuck Everything

Posted by Beta Male Profit Off Books on Tuesday August 1, 2006 at 8:00 AM EST
Topic: It Doesn't Matter, Fuck My Law Degree and Fuck Me Please
Tags: How to Get Girls, Bitterness, Collapse, Death, Energy

I live with my mother, so I understand women, and what they want is any male that looks pretty and can guarantee them a continuous supply of applesauce. It's been this way since the cave men, and it doesn't matter, because we're all going to starve, and for all the fuckheads who live south of the Mendocino County Line, I wish I had a car so I could go out and pick up chicks and teach them the gee spot theory, cause my fans write me they're looser the further south you go in this fucked up state. Here I am, well-known, and I can't ever get to any fruit depletion conferences where the cool women who might understand me hang. I hate what this fucking world is planning for me. It's all explained in my book and on my very popular website. Most everybody else who writes here is generally fucked up big time.

There's more... (124,671 words) | Comments (612 new, 832 total) | Permafrost

HumDrum Crumbs

Posted by Crumbbot on Tuesday August 1, 2006 at 6:00 AM EST
Topic: Miscellaneous Back Hoes, The Readers of HumDrum Spout Off
Tags: You're It

I was reading about Brazil's latest mango plant, in which they are using corn to genetically modify mango pits so they pop when cooked in vegetable oil, and ...

There's more... (792,008 words) | Comments (3815 new, 3999 total) | Permafrost

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"The smallest seed of faith is better than the largest fruit of happiness."
   --Henry David Thoreau

"My grandfather ate salt pork. My father dined on oranges. I drank Gatorade. My children love burritos. My grandchildren will eat dirt."
   --Old Colorado proverb

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