Jammin' with Raymond
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Nothin'
Topic: Weekends
Okay, so we got out of school early on Thursday due to all the freakin snow and stuff. Marty picked me up and then we went home. We slept...thats about it.
Friday, school was canceled too. I had planned on sleeping in till like three or four that eavning but Amy called me at like 8 am and was all, "Come Shopping with me!" So she picked me up at like nine and we went shopping. We both had our pajamas on and so did C.J. We didn't care. We had so much fun. It was just like I always wanted it to be. We didn't fight and she didn't act like she brought me just because mom made her. When we were driving rockin out to love is a battle field curtousy of my new MP3 she turned the radio down and said,
I love you. I'm sorry for all the times I was so mean to you. Can you ever forgive me?
ME-Of couse sis1 I have always looked up to you even when you were mean to me. You were perfect. Straight A's, Gorgous, skinny, all the boys, popular, How could I not love you...everyone else did?
Yeah but there are things that you don't know. Yeah, I got straight A's but I had to work extra hard. I was gorgouse with clothes on but I cut up my thighs and hips adn skinny because I never ate and puked when I ate more than two bites of a salad. the boys loved me bacause I was easy and I was popular because I was a backstabbing coniving little bitch.

I didn't know what to say. I loved her better when I thought that she was perfect. I guess that I could've handled every thing else but her cuttin gherself. she made such a big deal about me bein in crosspoint for cutting myself. She was always so ashamed of me because I had a "reputation". But now this? I turned the radio up adn we jammed. We never talked about it since.
_____________________________________________________

When we got home at like five 'o' clock I took a shower and got dressed. Tyler came and picked me up. We went to pick up his friend Dustin at his girlfriends house and then we went to Raymond's place. Raymond is Tyler's Sub guy. he is like God to tyler. I swea that he loves him more than me. He says that he loves him more than me. Yeah, so I got in this van that they are building with so many bass/sound dicimals or somthing like 147.6 or something adn it was pretty kewls. My heart was vibrating. So then we went to the mall adn hung out with Their friend Kurtis who happens to dress up like santa. We were makin fun of him saying that he lurvs the children and then he screamed Santa barbeques children adn this little boy was standing behind him adn started screamin his head off and ran away. He was freakin hilarious. He was pretending to be gay adn syaing ho ho ho merry Chrith-masth I'm that gay sthanta.It was great. Then we went to McDonalds adn I got a sunday adn smeared Ice cream all over Tylers face and he poured ketchup all in my eyebrows. Then he threw snow down my shirt and pissed me off. We went to walmart to buy cheese cloth for me mom adn saw Janay and Shaun and tyler had to let them listen to his system and then worship Raymond. After that we went home adn stopped in the graveyard. We had teh most AMAZING sex that we have ever had. (We...not ever) Then he went home.
Saturday I got in to a big fight with marty adn tyler came over that night. We watched Degrassi and made banana nut bread. It was great. Sunday Gina (candy), Matt, Amy, and CJ came over. At 2 we went to my dad's house for my sis Brandi's birthday party. Then we came home adn cooked everything imaginable. We made bugers adn fries, chili, meatloaf, strombolies, and I made really good salad dressing.
BTW- I am now vegitarien. Not bacause I worship animals or anyhting but jst to see if I can do it. I will remain vegitarian untill March 12 AKA:when my 90 days are up.
That night tyler called me and got a sub ticket for having his subs up to loud after 10 pm. he tried to call Raymond and cry to him but he is is Greece visiting his family for Christmas. I thought that he would cry. LITERALLY. Yeah, so then I went to sleep in the recliner cuz my room is HELLA cold. Mom woke me up at 5:30 am and I got into bed with marty and then I woke up at like 7. I took a shower and Amy picked me up. Now I'm at school. Gosh my life is boring...

Christmas Card Time
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: nothing
Topic: Christmas
Okay guys, I know that I said taht I was boy-cotting Christmas but I am so totally in the spirit now. Me adn Tyler filled out our Christmas cards last night and are sending them out today.

(*If you think that you should have gotten a Christmas card adn didn't you probably should have
but I havn't seen you. COME SEE ME!*)

I have sooo much to do adn so little time untill Christmas. I still need to get presents for Kali and I'd like to get my teachers adn little something like make a jar or that cocao or cookie mix...you know. I sent them all Christmas cards today adn they freaked like no other student had ever done that before. Or maybe they were freaked cuz they all hate Tyler. Alot of people think that Me adn Tyler are still together after last year. We aren't, but if people wanna think that then let them.

I already have Tyler, Mr. K, and My family's presents. I decided that I'm not going to get ALL my friends presents like I normally do. I waste to much money on that and it's not like they actually get me anything so It's not like I ahve anything to feel guilty about for not getting htem anything. Make sense?

Yeah, so I'm on here and Rodger is too. He somes in here during first block. I CANNOt wait untill Ally has here baby! I hope that she has a little boy. I love little boy's and I made her a blanket for when she has the baby. So I guess that I really amde the baby a blanket. ANYWAY, I didn't know what she was going to ahve when I started on the blankets and I decided to make a pink one first cuase I just knew that she was going to have a girl. But then I started thinking and then I just KNEW that she would have a a boy so I started on a blue and white. I like the blue adn white one best. Just becaue I like it better I want her to have a boy! :P

update later!

In his dreams...
Mood:  sad
Topic: Things that make me cut..
I din't come to school Wednesday. I couldn't do it. I didn't come to school Thursday. I did it. I came to school Friday. Depressed about it. He asked me if I was okay. Reasuring myself really, I assured him. the weekend sucked. I told tyler. Well, I didn't actually tell. I sort of told him. I tried to tell him. I told him 2/3 of the truth. I told him 1/2 the truth. I told him 1/4 of the truth. I told him only a small fraction of the truth. I told him that I lost the baby. Silly. I didn't loose the baby. I knew where it had went. Well, not really. I told him I miscarried. We both cried. Another lie I'm living. My mom didn't know. No one knew. My best friend Kali didn't know. I tried to tell tyler. He freaked. He knew, but he chose to pretend. Pretend that I had never told him. But he knew. For three long months I lived this lie. No one knew. Only I knew. Then I made a desicion that would forever change my life. I got it...an abortion.

I came to school Monday. Still depressed. He knew that something was wrong. He was woried. He said that he had a dream about me. I asked him what. he asked if it involved a medical precedure. I nodded. I cried. I don't cry. He said that he would never critisize or judge and that he is always here to be a friend. I trust him. I worry that he is dissapointed in me. I know that he is. I'm sorry Mr. K. I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry God. I have to live with this. Don't hate. I'm not ready to be a parent. I still sleep with my mom. how can I be one? I'm not ready to give up marching band. I'm not ready to wake up adn change diapers in the night. I can't keep a puppy alive. I can't even keep fish for crying out loud. I can't beleive that I wrote this but it makes me feel so much better. Just to get it all out.

I can't sleep. I can't close my eyes without seeing the doctors room. He said that it wouldn't hurt. He said that lots of people have them done. He said that he excepted cash. He said that he wouldn't tell me mom. For the first time in my life I rode a public bus. For the first time in my life I went into a doctors room alone without my mom or dad. For the first time in my life I saw a sonogram of what used to be my baby. A peice of Tyler inside of me. For the first time in my life...I chose to kill a baby. My baby. Our baby. God gave me a miracle adn I signed on the little line to have the doctors kill it. I might as well have done it. I am a MURDERER. I paid $200 to kill an inocent baby.

It hurts...alot. they don't tell you how you feel afterwards. They don't tell you that you will never be able to slep again. They don't tell you that whenever you hear a baby cry you will wonder what yours would have sounded like. They don't tell you alot of stuff.

I know that you think that you could never do this but put yourself in my position. Are you ready to be a parent?

Posted by A Peacfulfriend...A silent death at 11:21 AM EST
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