FADE IN:

INT. MOVIE STUDIO

WOLFGANG PETERSON is discussing plans with a bunch of STUDIO EXECUTIVES.

WOLFGANG PETERSON

...Then I made his stomach my dogs' chew toy and he screamed like there was no tomorrow!

They laugh.

WOLFGANG PETERSON (CONT'D)

Excuse me gentlemen, nature's call.

He whips off his pants, shits on the TOMB OF ACHILLES and tears a page from ILIAD to wipe his ass.

WOLFGANG PETERSON (CONT'D)

What was I saying? Right, I want to make a Homer movie...based on what I thought Homer should've written.

STUDIO EXECUTIVES

(reading the script)

So basically, you want to make a hilariously dialogued and absurdly chronicled movie that not only totally abandons the Greek writing style altogether but also inexorably insists that Greeks are a bunch of straight macho assholes who run around in miniskirts?

(pause)

Deal.

EXT. BRAD PITT'S ESTATE

BRAD PITT is SPITTING on everyone who is within a radius of 100 miles.

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK

(humiliating his movie cousin Garrett Hedlund by holding him at knifepoint for no reason)

All I really want is glory.

SEAN BEAN

Hello Brad. I'm not sure why exactly I would require a brainless killing machine if that killing machine is too brainless to kill at all, but I'm really interested in a condemned partnership.

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK

Does the contract include glory that is strictly defined as allowing me to be remembered as ripping up people who are too different from me and hence unworthy of existence?

SEAN BEAN

Sure thing! You can also burn down their houses and rape their wives, not to mention have your name mentioned every time in homosexual studies for years to come...

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK

I'll take it!

INT. TROJAN PALACE

ERIC BANA'S SUCKER DAD PETER O'TOOLE is welcoming ORLANDO BLOOM and his NAÏVE AND DOE-EYED CAUSE OF WARFARE OF AN UNFAITHFUL WIFE, DIANE KRUGER OF TROY.

ERIC BANA

Dad, Troy is doomed if you keep that bitch.

PETER O'TOOLE

Jeez, I just don't know...lemme consult the Goddess of the Great Equalizer real quick...

He kneels before a twenty feet tall golden statue of a big coin and chants for eight hours before getting back to ERIC.

PETER O'TOOLE (CONT'D)

The Great Coin approves my half-baked notion of love and blind loyalty! Hurrahhh! I can't believe a moron like me could've held this position as long as I did without turning Troy into a chaotic mess of crying and flaming rubble!

Consequently, GREEKS begin to fight TROJANS.

EXT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: ROUND ONE - TROJAN SHORE

BRAD PITT leads some GIANT MEN and wins an oversized battle with a ratio of twenty to one.

BRIAN COX

This is very convincing, especially since Brad Pitt is a brainless killing machine who has no strategic sense at all.

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK

(shoving and spitting on Brian)

GLORY! GLORRRRRRRRRRY MEEEEEEEEEEEE!

BRAD PITT proceeds to TRASH a TEMPLE and beheads everyone inside it. He then meets with ERIC BANA'S COUSIN ROSE BYRNE, who's survived his KILLING and promptly falls in love with him DESPITE ALL. They FUCK.

EXT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: ROUND TWO - TROJAN WALLS

GREEKS continue to fight TROJANS.

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK

Brian Cox wronged me. I must wrong him back by doing nothing but fucking Rose.

SEAN BEAN

But aren't you simultaneously forfeiting your opportunity of getting glory, let alone violating all codes of honor?

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK

Hell, do you expect a dipshit like me to be intelligent enough to be consistent with my said priorities?

The TROJANS, with no major characters in their way, drive the GREEKS back to the SHORE.

EXT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: ROUND THREE - TROJAN SHORE

The GREEKS continue to fight TROJANS. GARRETT HEDLUND dies disguised as BRAD PITT by donning his armor because PITT is too stupid to watch his things. EVERYONE mourns the demise of GARRETT particularly, because GARRETT is YOUNG, just like the majority of the soldiers in this movie.

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK

(fuming and spitting)

Jesus, Garrett Hedlund stole my glory of fighting Eric Bana! How very demeaning! I'LL KILL ERIC!

He runs off before abusing several of his own people.

EXT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: ROUND FOUR - SPECIAL EVENT! ERIC VERSUS BRAD! READY...GET SET...GO!

ERIC BANA and BRAD PITT fight! ERIC loses and BRAD beats the shit out of him! BRAD goes on to drag ERIC'S CORPSE behind his chariot for twelve hundred miles! Around the entire TROJAN CITY three times then all the way to NEW ZEALAND!

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK

GLORY! SEE HOW I HATE AND CRUSH THE PEOPLE WHO MISPLACED MY GLORY!

INT. TROJAN VERSUS GREEKS: INTERMISSION - GREEK CAMP

PETER O'TOOLE, apparently a formidable secret agent in disguise, effortlessly bypasses BRAD PITT'S thoroughly incompetent security system without showing how and walks up to him.

PETER O'TOOLE

Dude, where's my son?

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK

(spitting as if there's some hidden meaning behind his tantrum besides the obvious, which is that he's a motherfucker)

YOU are making demands? Don't you forget I'M the one who decides whether you live or die!

PETER O'TOOLE

(crying pathetically)

It doesn't matter! You've broken my spirit! I've got nothing to lose! And I don't care if you'll kill me to mess up my country's morale!

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK

Then I'll honor your request inexplicably, just to make my act of desecrating Eric Bana's corpse even more bizarre - but, just to further the self-contradiction, I'll first waste a few of your precious moments to cry on Eric Bana's face that aside from some dirt has miraculously sustained little mutilation.

ROSE BYRNE

(intruding abruptly in the company of Cheap Romance Music)

Uncle!

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK

Go now, Rose. I've decided to set you free to a regime I'll go to extreme lengths to decimate. I'm doing this, like, for LOOOOVE. Please...do not forget me...you can have the necklace I stole from Garrett Hedlund's corpse.

ROSE BYRNE

Oh Brad, you destroyed my country and anally violated my favorite relative...but...this is alright...everything is alright...because I still love you DESPITE ALL.

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK

God I'm gorgeous.

EXT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: ROUND FIVE PREPARATION - TROJAN SHORE

SEAN finally comes up with the movie climax - a brilliant plan that involves hiding in a hollow wooden horse conveniently inspired by a child's toy and praying somehow the enemies will bring it into their city against all common sense. They seek out WOOD out of no where and proceed to their plot.

CUT TO HOURS LATER:

The TROJANS discover a huge horse statue and some dead bodies.

PETER O'TOOLE'S LOSER ESCORT

Look Lord, those people were infected by Black Death! The Greeks were running away from it!

MUFFLED VOICE #1

What? No we did not! And how did we gain access to corpses infected by the disease we apparently didn't -

MUFFLED VOICE #2

Shut up you idiot!

The TROJANS look around but see nobody.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Dad, I'd say we do the logical thing and build a bonfire around this tainted plot device.

PETER O'TOOLE

What does the Great Coin say?

PETER O'TOOLE'S LOSER ESCORT

She decrees the Horse be carried within our walls and to the most heavily-populated and strategically most critical area of our city, then secured by as few of our guards as possible.

PETER O'TOOLE

Awesome!

EXT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: ROUND FIVE - TERMINAL EPISODE! COMMENCEMENT OF TROY'S DESTRUCTION!

BRAD PITT actively contributes to the fall of TROY by immediately running off to find ROSE BYRNE.

BRIAN COX

Let him go; we don't need him after Eric Bana is out of the way, anyway.

GREEKS begin to majorly TRASH THE PLACE and SET THE CITY ON FIRE!

GREEKS

Burn, baby, burn!

THE CITY PANICS! SUDDENLY EVERYBODY IS RUNNING FROM EVERYBODY AND NOBODY! NATURAL DISASTER MUSIC SWELLS AND THE GREEKS SOMEHOW VANISH!

EVERYBODY

RUN! RUN IN EVERY DIRECTION! STEP ON THE WIDOWS' BELLIES AND RUN OVER THE ORPHANS!

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK

ROSE BYRNE! MY LOVE ROSE BYRNE!

He suddenly bears his first injury - in the heel.

BRAD PITT'S GOD-AWFUL SUNTANNED SMIRK (CONT'D)

Ow.

He DIES. Mercifully. Yeah. Just like that. Really. No kidding. And the credits roll.

INT. TROJANS VERSUS GREEKS: EPILOGUE - MOVIE THEATRE

AUDIENCE

What the hell? Did we just waste $9 and more than two hours of our life on a war that was initiated by a brat couple, plotted by assholes, fought by imbeciles and revolving around a semi-conscious dickhead who should be crucified upside-down while being smothered by his sunshine-flavored ass?

They fume and SPIT on DIRECTOR WOLFGANG PETERSON, trashing his studio with COINS and dragging his body behind their automobiles across SICKOVILLE.

END