FADE IN:

EXT. PROLOGUE

TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX LOGO appears; LUCASFILM, LTD LOGO follows; JOHN WILLIAM MUSIC swells; STAR WARS TITLE LOGO appears; WORDY PROLOGUE rolls up. ALL is very similar to what is in the ORIGINAL TRILOGY.

AUDIENCE

(moved to tears)

How beautiful and inspiring! It's like seeing the original movies, AWESOME!

INT. ILM GREEN SCREEN: BAD GUYS' SPACESHIP - DAY

Two JEDI step into view. They TALK.

OBI-WAN KENOBI

Jeez, I look naïve. And have a hair style even funnier than Luke Skywalker's.

AUDIENCE

Oh my God, it's Ewan McGregor as the Obi-Wan still in his youth, AWESOME!

QUI-GON JINN

I'm so stupid and confused that I can't feel the potential danger and even dismiss the possibility of it when my relatively smarter Jedi apprentice points it out, despite George Lucas' claim that I'm POWERFUL.

AUDIENCE

Oh my God, it's Liam Neeson as Obi-Wan's old Master, AWESOME!

Suddenly, they are ATTACKED by GREEN GAS.

QUI-GON JINN

We must hold our breath so that we won't be hurt this colored, conspicuous, obviously poisonous gas!

(pause)

Oh no, the alien technology is advanced enough to hurt us EXTERNALLY!

(pause)

Which is quite reasonable!

They are burnt down to dust by a transparent, tasteless GAS. They DIE.

END

NOT REALLY. The JEDI beat down a bunch of CGI DROIDS with basically no EFFORTS at all. They make it to BAD GUYS' COMMAND CENTER and are blocked by more CGI DROIDS.

QUI-GON JINN

We will approach those slightly more equipped droids and destroy their shields because it would be no harder than what Anakin Skywalker did to rid those droids near the end of this movie.

They beat down the DROIDS, melt the blast door, capture the BAD ALIEN, manage not to fail the mission, and save the pathetic planet NABOO as well as STAR WARS FRANCHISE.

END

NOT REALLY. They run off and ESCAPE again, with tricks taken from SPY MOVIES IN THE 60S.

OBI-WAN KENOBI

I have a bad feeling about this.

AUDIENCE

AWES--

(pause)

Okay, you and us both, Obi-Wan.

INT. ILM GREEN SCREEN: BAD GUYS' COMMAND CENTER - DAY

The BAD ALIENS talk with SOME QUEEN IN HER COMICAL COSTUME.

QUEEN AMIDALA

I display a sense of foreign royal authority by maintaining a precisely level voice. It is imperative that you notice this.

BAD ALIEN #1

You 14 year old, clearly impressionable political pawn of Palpatine's, I disrespect your power as the Teenaged Queen of a Random Planet so much that I'm going to implicitly inform you of our somehow illegal attack.

QUEEN AMIDALA

Whatever. Just keep in mind that if you attack us, you will become the most negligible antagonist in the history of major motion pictures. Oh wait, hmm, THAT should be interesting, unbalancing the entire movie. Go ahead and attack us, since I'm so devoted to the cause of world peace that I won't put up military defense against you even though I know about your attack.

BAD ALIEN #2

World peace? You know this is a war and the lives of your people will be still jeopardized if we occupy your territory, right?

EXT. NABOO FOREST - AN ACTUAL SETTING - DAY

QUI-GON JINN runs and runs until he bumps into a partially CGI CREATURE, JAR JAR BINKS. OBI-WAN is absent.

QUI-GON JINN

I look down upon you and claim that you are dumb and pathetic before I ever know you!

JAR JAR BINKS

What makes you believe that you have the right to treat people like crap?

Suddenly, OBI-WAN KENOBI races into view, with two DROIDS following him.

OBI-WAN KENOBI

Help! I have suddenly inexplicably lost the ability to defend myself, which I will retain promptly after I've endangered Qui-Gon's life!

QUI-GON JINN blasts the DROIDS away easily, just so that OBI-WAN seems lame. The JEDI then threaten JAR JAR to take them to safety at his expense, which should be RIGHT because they are JEDI. They immediately set off for a POINTLESS CGI UNDERWATER ADVENTURE, manage to rescue AMIDALA thanks to the DROIDS' OWN STUPIDITY, and undergo another POINTLESS CGI SPACE ADVENTURE. Eventually, they land on the planet TATOOINE.

QUI-GON JINN

I will now introduce the point of this movie by encountering the worst actor who ever appeared in Star Wars history.

EXT. ACTUAL DESERT: TATOOINE - DAY, AS ALWAYS

JINN, accompanied by PADME and, for some damned reason, JAR JAR, goes to WATTO'S shop and meets with ANAKIN SKYWALKER, a slave who shoots everyone within his sight with glare daggers.

ANAKIN SKYWALKER

Despite supposedly extremely modest my upbringing, I look quite healthy and I talk with a despicably self-satisfied and foul attitude. I will now flirt with random chicks.

He DOES. Which is very appropriate. Meanwhile, QUI-GON is in an attempt to make an unfair deal with WATTO.

QUI-GON JINN

(mindtricking Watto)

Do suffer some loss against your will; I'm taking the engine from you while you gain nothing, per se.

But WATTO, resistant to MINDTRICKS, throws QUI-GON out.

QUI-GON JINN (CONT'D)

(mindtricking the audience)

It is Unkind of Watto not to fall for the cheating of ME, the protagonist. Be violently angry!

AUDIENCE

(angry and mindtricked)

Bad Watto, no cookie!

INT. ANAKIN SKYWALKER'S HOME - DAY

ANAKIN SKYWALKER

So I've heard that you need Watto's engine. By accidental necessity, I can help you by winning some suicidal race, since George Lucas has decreed that there will be virtually no other non-cheating way for you to get enough credits. I must risk my supposedly short yet promising life for the sake of, in the long term, a pretty insignificant planet in the Galaxy. Well, except it cameos at the end of Episode VI; isn't that clever?

SHMI SKYWALKER

Really, you can't do that. It's too dangerous for our sake as well as Qui-Gon's sake - based on the fact that you haven't even finished a single race!

ANAKIN SKYWALKER

I won't fail you, because I'm confident of my skills until this friend of mine exposes how bad my racing records really are.

(pause)

Which I, if I were to be truthful and responsible, should've told Qui-Gon before he made the irreversible decision. I'm not making promises to impress Padme, I promise. Besides, how else could you get rid of me?

SHMI SKYWALKER

True. Okay, I will let you do this.

QUI-GON JINN

Seriously, you can't do this.

SHMI SKYWALKER

Oh, for the love of good movies, please let him do this.

QUI-GON JINN

(pause)

Okay, you may do this. We will bet our Nubian on so that you may do this, because a ship without a power supply will not get us anywhere, even though a ship is not only a means of transportation but also a shelter.

(pause)

Seems I messed up again. I hope we can use the Queen's costumes to build a tent.

EXT. MOVIE THEATERS - DAY

The AUDIENCE is watching STAR WARS EPISODE I - THE PHANTOM MENACE. Suddenly, DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS interrupts it with a VIDEO GAME TRAILER.

ANAKIN SKYWALKER

(passing other pods because they are bombed by the Mostly Unremarkable Alien Villain)

PLAY AS ME! PLAY AS ME!

Suddenly, the ALIEN VILLAIN fires a bomb with perfect timing and, YES, ANAKIN is blown into pieces!

END

NOT REALLY. ANAKIN wins the ANIMATED CONTEST with better special effects. WATTO is sad.

QUI-GON JINN

Whenever you gamble, my friend, eventually you'll lose.

(pause)

Unless you cheat by using your Jedi powers, like I did.

INT. ANAKIN SKYWALKER'S HOME - DAY

SHMI SKYWALKER

I see you didn't die. Guess now I will have to ditch you to the Jedi then.

SHMI wishes ANAKIN'S CAUSE OF FREEING SLAVES well, which due to the existence of the ORIGINAL TRILOGY is not entirely POINTLESS only because it is extremely IRONIC. They then part ways tearfully, and it's a GLARING PLOT HINT.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS

Heh heh. No one will ever guess that THAT turns Anakin Evil.

QUI-GON and OTHERS fly to CORUSCANT, a brilliant architectural marvel of ILM CGI EFFECTS.

INT. ILM GREEN SCREEN: CORUSCANT - DAY

PALPATINE

The people on your pathetic planet are dying. This is something urgent that really everyone should care about.

AMIDALA

Wow, you could have communicated a sense of urgency by throwing in more than empty words, you know.

PALPATINE

Maybe. But this isn't as important as me being elected. We now have only two options: a change in the Republic leadership or a plea to the courts.

AMIDALA

But aren't those two both time-consuming, the former being the worse?

PALPATINE

Then you'll have to surrender. That's all I can think of.

AMIDALA

What? Is that it? You gotta be the most incompetent and least resourceful politician I've ever met!

She fires PALPATINE and hires someone more capable to represent her planet.

END

NOT REALLY. AMIDALA, as IMPRESSIONABLE as a TEENAGED RULER can be, follows PALPATINE'S PLANS and gives him the opportunity to become THE SUPREME CHANCELLOR, and the potential to destroy the REPUBLIC.

INT. ILM GREEN SCREEN: JEDI TEMPLE COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY

QUI-GON JINN

...So he, like, kicked my ass.

(pause)

I think he's a Sith.

YODA

The very Republic is threatened, if involved the Sith are. Especially if he can become the Chancellor, in the guise of the interest of ONE pathetic, negligible planet.

(pause)

Weird. Is George Lucas parodying his own movies?

QUI-GON JINN

That's nothing compared to my requesting the obviously evil future Darth Vader be tested, for the reason I thought he could save us instead of hunting us down and purging us.

MACE WINDU

Wait, why? How do you know he's the Chosen One? And how do you know the prophecy is reliable?

QUI-GON JINN

(shrugging)

I don't know. The Force tells me that.

KI-ADI-MUNDI

But it tells us otherwise.

AUDIENCE

(trying to comprehend)

I see. So the Council decides who can be trained.

QUI-GON JINN

I will train him.

AUDIENCE

But aren't you part of the Order?

QUI-GON JINN

Yeah, and I will train him.

AUDIENCE

Wait, are we talking about the same thing? Hasn't the Council forbidden ANYONE to train the boy? What difference does this statement make?

OBI-WAN KENOBI

Nothing except that I will be pissed off.

To show this, he confronts QUI-GON, who promptly becomes even more PISSED.

QUI-GON JINN

I don't care about the rumors as to how Anakin will jeopardize the fate of the galaxy and the fate of Star Wars franchise, just to contrast the later events and show what an awful Jedi master I am!

Meanwhile, in the GALATIC SENATE CHAMBER, EVERYBODY is doing exactly what PALPATINE wants them to do, because everyone, including QUI-GON, HATES the REPUBLIC.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS

Oops, we are dwelling too deep into the main series plot; let's get back to Naboo where things have little relevance to it and are living the prequels' legacy of being extravagant and worthless.

EXT. NABOO FOREST - DAY

AMIDALA suddenly decides to copy what the REBELS did in EPISODE SIX and separates the war into multiple parts, every one of them RIDICULOUS to some degree.

QUEEN AMIDALA

Because it's a distracting, disorienting, and disengaging story-telling tactic.

EXT. ILM GREEN SCREEN: GRASS PLAINS - DAY

The GUNGANS and DROIDS are fighting a large ANIMATED BATTLE with ANIMATED CHARACTERS. This is MORONIC, and exists only because it is, somehow, possibly in a morbid, sickening way, ENTERTAINING and makes the AUDIENCE want to VOMIT.

JAR JAR BINKS

Ha ha. Especially since George has spent the last two hours telling everyone how both parties completely suck.

EXT. ILM GREEN SCREEN: SPACE

ANAKIN and R2 are fighting a large ANIMATED BATTLE with ANIMATED JETS. This is POINTLESS and not even FUNNY, and exists only because it makes ILM and LEGO look COOL, and makes the AUDIENCE want to die.

INT. ILM GREEN SCREEN: THEED PALACE - DAY

PADME/AMIDALA and her CREW are fighting a small ANIMATED BATTLE with ANIMATED BATTLE DROIDS. This is POINTLESS and BORING, and exists for no reason, and kills the AUDIENCE.

INT. ILM GREEN SCREEN: POWER GENERATOR PIT - DAY

TWO JEDI and the NON-ANIMATED DARTH MAUL, who is just about the coolest prequel villain next to GENERAL GRIEVOUS, are fighting. This does not involve as much ANIMATION, and brings the AUDIENCE back from the dead.

AUDIENCE

I want my own lightsaber!

Unfortunately, other three BATTLES interrupt repeatedly, killing the AUDIENCE every so often. Suddenly, QUI-GON dies from a relatively normal injury and OBI-WAN is powerless to stop it, despite their super-duper JEDI POWERS.

OBI-WAN KENOBI

Master!

(pause)

Okay, let's end this damned piece of crap.

He KILLS MAUL, presumably using the power of ANGER and HATE that YODA is so against.

EXT. ILM GREEN SCREEN: THEED PALACE - LATE DAY

OBI-WAN meets up with YODA.

OBI-WAN KENOBI

I've decided to train this boy solely because I have promised that to a dead person, since I value personal commitments over the fate of millions of innocent beings, as much as I value dead people over living people.

YODA

Go to hell.

(pause)

Okay. The Council has reversed its decision about Anakin's training, only because, apparently, Qui-Gon is dead.

INT. QUI-GON'S FUNERAL - SUNSET

ANAKIN SKYWALKER

(impassively)

What will happen to me now?

That was, in reality, the only line he uttered during that scene.

OBI-WAN KENOBI

"What will happen to me"? Can that be the only thing you care about? Why the hell do you mention that at his funeral, anyway? Is this some sort of a subtle indication of the course your future is taking, that is, selfish and all-around jerk?

EXT. NABOO - CENTRAL PLAZA - DAY

EVERYONE is celebrating, because they have no idea that despite how incredibly CHEERFUL this scene is, a TERRIBLE PROBLEM has been created.

YODA

So, Palpatine, basically you have all that it takes to take over the galaxy, eh?

PALPATINE

Hell, yes.

YODA

Where the other main players are a bunch of mindless idiots who are passive and used to be pushed around by the situations? Can't say I'm impressed.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS

Uh... Well... LOOK, SEQUEL!

END