Enchanted: The Reduced Script
FADE IN:
EXT. CASTLE - animated world
Instead of murdering WOULD-BE PRINCESS AMY ADAMS right there and then, EVIL QUEEN SUSAN SARANDON sends her to a world that's not really deadly in an effort to secure her throne, thus establishing herself as WEAK and SHORT-SIGHTED.
QUEEN SUSAN SARANDON
Fair well Amy Adams, I'm delighted that you are stupid enough to not test whether the portal is functional right after your travel.
This is EXCITING and NOSTALGIC, because now we know we are watching MORONS VS. MORONS.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY - real world
AMY arrives, only to be bullied and pushed around. Eventually, she stumbles upon PATRICK DEMPSEY and HIS DAUGHTER.
PRINCESS AMY ADAMS
(innocently, with heavy emphasis on MAGIC)
Patrick, please help me and find my TRUE LOVE, a PRINCE, and he will come RESCUE me from this unsavory raw theater.
PATRiCK DEMPSEY
No problem. I've played nothing but cynical douches who help distressed damsels unconditionally. For the record, though, I don't believe in fairytales.
PRINCESS AMY ADAMS
(innocently)
Oh, really? That's so SAD. What ELSE is this movie if an inefficient employee like YOU live in such an EXPENSIVE APARTMENT?
PATRiCK DEMPSEY
Right! Er, wait...
AMY proceeds to demonstrate FAIRYTALE ABILITIES by referring to past DISNEY MOVIES.
PRINCESS AMY ADAMS
Oh, dear! For someone who has no FAITH in FAIRYTALES, you are quite unresponsive to those SHOCKING MANIFESTATIONS OF MAGIC.
PATRICK DEMPSEY
Why shouldn't I be? What are you expecting, a DRAMATIC
IMPROVEMENT in my ACTING?
AMY demonstrates more POWERS and partakes in some suggestive situations with PATRICK. Suddenly, they become each other's TRUE LOVE, because it's already 65 minutes into the movie.
PRINCESS AMY ADAMS
I like Patrick's CHEST HAIR, since I've never seen such things before!
PATRICK DEMPSEY
And I like Amy, because she's got some innocence, even though she's quickly losing it as a result of my relentlessly petty cynicism!
Suddenly, PRINCE JAMES MARSDEN approaches.
PRINCE JAMES MARSDEN
I finally found you, Amy. Please bear in mind that within the span of just last year I endured TWO relationship attacks, from Wolverine and then Superman. Please don't cheat on me, not with a bitchy, whiny divorce lawyer who's near the bottom of the food chain.
PRINCESS AMY ADAMS
(innocently)
Okay, but I will make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that I'm suffering your CARTOONISH COMPANY as I've fallen hopelessly in LOVE with Patrick, in precisely the way I did with you.
This is ridiculously SAD and ROMANTIC. AMY and JAMES leave PATRICK and HIS DAUGHTER, but AMY promptly returns.
HIS DAUGHTER
What was the point of that melodramatic departing scene if you aren't really leaving at all?
PRINCESS AMY ADAMS
(in her halfhearted Cinderella impression)
I invited Patrick, his girlfriend and James to the BALL, but I don't have anything to WEAR! If only I had a FAIRY GODMOTHER...
HIS DAUGHTER
Oh. Well, it's a good thing you decided to ask me, a stupid six-year-old for help, because I just happen to have the most powerful magic of all -
(looks at the camera)
My Dad's large collection of CREDIT CARDS, to bolster the U.S. economy.
PRINCESS AMY ADAMS
Look, something creative that WASN'T part of the TRADITIONAL FORMULA! An obligatory makeover sequence a la PRETTY WOMAN!
They go shopping and purchase expensive goods and services.
INT. DANCING CHAMBER
A new, improved, modernized AMY arrives at the KING AND QUEEN'S ball with JAMES, thus defying the fashion code where ever she goes.
PATRICK DEMPSEY
I'm stunned and depressed by your beauty! I can't believe you can actually come across...ordinary!
MODERN PRINCESS AMY ADAMS
I'm glad you like it. I forged your signatures then destroyed your credit history for it.
They DANCE to HEARTBREAKING MUSIC THAT SAYS WHAT THEY ARE THINKING, so that the AUDIENCE doesn't take this scene, or any of its romantic crap, SERIOUSLY. AMY is approached by QUEEN SUSAN SARANDON'S NON-BLATANT OLD WOMAN DISGUISE.
QUEEN SUSAN SARANDON (DISGUISED)
Grrrrrlie, will you follow the creeeepy advice of the old Granny who almost stole your happeeenesssssssss?
MODERN PRINCESS AMY ADAMS
(crying)
YES!
She eats the POISON APPLE! And faints in the way SNOW WHITE did so that we know she will WAKE UP by the end of the movie as well! Too bad for SUSAN, it happens right away, too!
PATRICK DEMPSEY
(woodenly chanting)
Come on, Amy, wake up. Don't leave me. I love you. Come on,
Amy, wake up. Don't leave me. I love you.
(pause)
It is one second from midnight? Fine, I will kiss her now.
He does, importantly, when the clock strikes exactly midnight. This greatly pisses off SUSAN.
QUEEN SUSAN SARANDON
All right, I'm killing everyone.
She transforms into a CGI PLASTIC DRAGON to prove that this is indeed a FANTASY MOVIE OF THE MODERN ERA. She then climbs onto the rooftop, trips herself, then falls to the ground for no reason. PATRICK and AMY, having TRUE-LOVELY kissed each other and overcome...er, someone who killed herself, now can be with each other. Forever.
PRINCESS AMY ADAMS
(innocently)
And didn't we make HISTORY by randomly picking footages from OLDER ANIMATED FEATURES and stringing them TOGETHER and dress it up with NEW YORK CITY and insert LAWYER characters and call it a new DISNEY CLASSIC with a MODERN TWIST?
She goes on to live HAPPILY EVER AFTER with PATRICK and HIS DAUGHTER in the REAL WORLD, so that she can enjoy real world luxuries such as the 2008 SUBPRIME MORTGAGE CRISIS.
END