I've been sitting on this for a few days now, wondering whether or not I should post it. I finally realized it's too good to keep to myself...

The other night I came home and, before going to bed, surfed the web. Just the usual...checking email and IM's and reading blogs. On Jessica's journal (oh, illiteration...) she had a paragraph talking about what she'll do once back at Central, ending with "...hang out in Kaya and try to release my inner hipster... or should I be going to U.Cup to do that?"

The University Cup is another coffee shop a block east of Kaya. I'd say that, generally, U Cup attracts more of the scenester/hipster crowd than Kaya, thus Jessica's comment. U Cup isn't a bad place, though, and I don't actually have anything against it. I have some obvious "bias" against them and for Kaya, but it's all in good fun. This is important to understand in order to appreciate the following.

To Jessica's livejournal post I responded with the following comment:

U Cup is cold and unfriendly. Kaya holds you close within its arms...a warm hug.

Don't ever go to U Cup. The only people that go there are the ones that don't realize their life is empty and meaningless.

I say this often, playing into both my loyalty to Kaya and my love of exaggeration. Having posted that, I went to bed.

A day later I checked my email and found some random person had responded to my comment. Her post went like this:

That's the harshest generalization ever. My mother goes to the U Cup thank you very much.

I was a little taken aback. More confused, actually. Could this person really be serious? I rationalized that No, she wasn't...she was just being over the top, playing into my original post.

Jessica responded to this comment:

whoa.... it was a joke! :) i myself venture into the u cup once in awhile, and leave unscathed, and i think myself stronger for doing so ;)

The random girl, Miss Chuckles, didn't quite see things as Jessica did:

It's only a joke if no one is offended.

At this point I learned two things: A) She was certainly, at no time, playing along with me, and B) She really needs to get the sand out of her vagina. I wrote:

No...it's still a joke. By your logic, no comedians would exist.

Plus, who gets upset over an obviously over-the-top, ridiculous comment about a COFFEE SHOP (written by a drunk kid at 2 am who was VERY proud of his typing skills)?

It's at this point that I made a poor tactical error. By admitting I'd been drinking the night I wrote the original post (saying I was "drunk" was an exaggeration, but I was buzzed nonetheless), I opened the floor up to this chick to use the "You're nothing but a stupid alcoholic" argument. My intention was to lighten the mood and draw attention to my grammar and typing prowess. Ms. Giggles wasn't having any of that, though:

Ok, let me rephrase it: It's only a joke to those who aren't offended.

And if someone said your mother belonged to a group of people who "don't realize their life is empty and meaningless" I would think you'd be a little peeved. Also, when you say that you're not only insulting someone's mother, you're also insulting the child(ren) of that mother. And if those are the kinds of things you say when you're drunk, maybe you should stay away from computers when you're in that state.

First off...what?! This was getting pretty bizarre. The aburdity of my original statement notwithstanding, how was I supposed to assume that some stranger is going to read my comment specifically for another person and be offended because a parent buys their coffee at this establishment? But I expanded on this thought in my next post:

Let *me* rephrase: It's a joke. A person's choice of coffee shop is completely inconsequential to their lives, and certainly to my opinion of them. Seeing as I work at Kaya, I'm clearly "biased," and Jessica knows this and gets my joke...thus, why I typed it in her Livejournal and not yours...because it was meant for her...not you. I don't actually have a problem with the U Cup, but if you get offended by an offhand joke (that I would--and do--make sober) about a COFFEE SHOP then you've got bigger issues to deal with.

This could easily go on for weeks, so I'm ending this now.

I figured I had said my piece and would walk away with my head held high. In life there are a lot of shades of grey, but regarding this matter I confidently saw only black and white. More precisely, I saw a right (me) and a wrong (batshit crazy girl).

Even though I was finished and had asked to end this pointless argument, Ms. Moral Crusader had to get the last word in:

It wasn't about a coffee shop.

Oh, it wasn't? Please, then, do explain what the hell we've been talking about for two days.

You obviously need to stop drinking for a minute so your brain can get some oxygen.

Again, there's the "you're a drunk" offense. She's clinging to that because she doesn't have anything else to use against me.

You could have said that about any establishment my mother goes to and I would've been pissed.

She phrases this like I actually know who the hell her mother is and that it was a strategic, calculated attack on this unsuspecting woman.

I don't care about where you work or whose journal you posted the comment in. The fact is that Jessica isn't the only one that can read your comments and you need to realize that what you say can offend people whether that's your intention or not.

True, Jessica isn't the only one who can read my comment, but she sure as hell is the only one the comment was meant for. The word "inside" contained in the phrase "inside joke" offers all the explanation needed.

But I loved how you had to turn it into an argument instead maybe saying, "Sorry bout that. I meant it as a joke but I'm sorry if it offended you."

I am not going to apologize for being A) Not wrong, and B) Not sorry.

That was the last of the Livejournal comments, but the fun doesn't stop here! I was informed of a post in this girl's own blog:

If you're drunk, stay away from people's journals. Leaving comments that may inadvertently insult people's mothers is not the smartest thing in the world to do.

I wonder if anybody has ever told her a "Yo' Mamma" joke.

I don't fucking care that the comment was about a coffee shop. You could have refered to any establishment my mother goes to and I would've been pissed. I can't believe these people are supposed adults! Why do I feel like I'm surrounded by stupidity everywhere I go?! Sometimes I feel like the smartest person in the world because everyone else I encounter is so fucking stupid. Why the hell did I go to this retarted institution?!?! ROAR!

And if anyone says anything about using the word "retarted" then you just need to die. Politcal correctness is the stupidest excuse for censorship that I have ever seen.

There are a lot of things I could comment on here, but I'd really like to focus in on the sentence "Sometimes I feel like the smartest person in the world because everyone else I encounter is so fucking stupid" and the subsequent usage of the word "retarted," not once, but twice. Once could be chalked up to a typo, but twice clearly shows that she's transcended to a level of academia I can never hope to reach.

Reveling in the hypocracy of the post, I responded by saying, "My brother is mentally challenged. I would have thought that you, of all people, would have been more sensitive and not put offense comments on the Internet for anybody to see them." Or something along those lines...she deleted it.

To this girl's Livejournal post, Jessica responded:

if you're going to get your panties in a twist over some obvious hyperbole meant to be a humorous inside joke between friends, then i'm sorry but it's your fault for being so easily offended.

and i think this whole thing makes YOU the immature one for arguing over nothing

i would appreciate it if you would leave your negative attitude away from my journal, if you can help it... it's not that i don't like you, karin, it's just that this is not the first time you've said derogatory things regarding me or my friends on my journal, and i'd rather keep the internet drama to a minimum on my own turf, thank YOU very much.

'Atta girl. But Nutcase wasn't about to let that comment slide:

"it's not that I don't like you"... If you did like me you could be a little understanding and see why I might have been offended. And if you knew me at all you would know I am NOT easily offended.

Clearly.

I can't recall saying anything derogatory about YOU ever. It wasn't your battle to fight to begin with. Honestly, if no replies had been made after my first response I would've been cool and that would've been the end. But nooooo, y'all had to start a fight because you two obviously think that you're always right.

Obviously, since this girl has never had any interaction with me prior to (or will be having any after) this.

And you want to keep the internet drama to a minimum on your turf so you come into mine and leave this bullshit comment? Way to go!

My favorite epilogue to this story is a response Jessica's boyfriend, Lance, made to one of her posts the following day...what the entry was about is inconsequential.

Hey!
I'm offended!
Your whole post is too offensive!
I'm a sensitive American!
My mom wears pants! how dare you talk about pants that way!
I lost an aunt to a caffeine addiction!
My boyfriend only lasts 44 seconds!

how dare you put all of this slander in in your livejournal! don't you know that innocent bystanders can stumble to the computer, connect to the internet, add you as a friend, consciously read your entire post, click on the comments, read every one of them, and possibly be offended by one random line! God!
what a bitch thing to do!

That guy's clearly a keeper.