La Femme Spander

by
Mera and Farah

Part Six

Spike glared at the fluffy pajamas Dawn had given him. ~ Bloody Hell, there are bloody kittens all over them! ~ He gazed at the sleeping bag placed on the floor next to the couch where Xander would be sleeping, then looked back again at the pajamas. ~ I've always slept naked and I always will. They can buggerin' live with it, all I care... don't have nothin' they haven't all seen. ~ With that thought, he threw the clothes to a corner and took off his duster.

Before he got the chance to take off his shirt, he heard a dreadful screech. "Spike!"

~ Bugger! ~

He turned around with a flinch but then an amused laugh escaped his lips.

There by the door stood Xander in fluffy pink pajama. Fluffier than his if that was even possible. It seemed that Buffy liked to wear larger sized pajamas. Considerably larger seeing as this one continued to fall off to the side revealing Xander's bare shoulder. He ignored the continuous tries to keep it in place, tries that were soon given up with a pout. The now-dark-haired girl looked so adorable in his big-sized-girly-pink-bunny-covered pajamas that Spike couldn't hold in his hoot at his companion's expense.

Red-faced Xander scoffed, "Yeah, laugh it off bleached gal. Now we'll see how ridiculous you'll look in Dawn's nighties." The brunette crossed his arms happy with himself and waited to see Spike's happiness deflate.

~ And why the hell is it me who's depressed while he can't seem to keep his upside down frown off his face? We're both missing VERY important appendages damn it! ~

Spike calmed down a few seconds later and shrugged nonchalant. "Not gonna happen, pet."

"What?"

"I'm not wearing no stupid pajamas, you twit. I'll sleep the way I always do."

"And that would be …" Xander shifted on his feet not liking where this was going.

"Yep, mate, stripped to the way nature sees it fit."

"Whoa, whoa Spike!" Xander exclaimed nervously waving his arms around. His PJs slipped at the action and he pulled it back into place huffily. "You can't just sleep naked!"

"Yeah?" The vampire sniffed unconcerned. "Watch me," saying that Spike continued to unbutton his tight red shirt.

"No!" Xander yelled as he coved his eyes.

Spike smirked at Xander - even though he couldn't see him - who had taken no time to start acting like his skin showed him to be. "What's wrong, Xandra? I'm a female of interlocking parts with your species givin' you a free show. Are you telling me an all American hot blooded git like yourself wouldn't even take a gander at me one of a kind merchandise."

Xander thought it over. How couldn't he? He was a guy after all. Well he had been recently, for all of his life actually, save the last few hours. That meant that even though he was in a girl's body, he was still manly Xander looking for some girls to get it on with. Didn't explain how 'girly' he had been acting since his new development but he was a proud member of the Denial R Us special life time membership subscription and was never to enter a conversation with anyone, including his subconscious, about any allegedly girly acts… without a good come back, so there.

However, if Xander did look at Spike and liked what he saw – there was no chance he wouldn't… he liked what he saw covered! – and technically being in a woman's body and checking out another woman's body then liking what you see made you a lesbian.

Nevertheless, HE wasn't a lesbian! He liked girls while he wasn't a girl, so that had to make a difference right? Would being a lesbian now make him gay when he returned to his manly body??? Wait. No. he would be dubbed gay now but would return to being straight once he reclaims his mighty penis once more. Right?

~ God, my head hurts! ~

"So you're not opening your peepers?"

"Nope! No peepers peeping!" Xander was still unsure about his points regarding sexual orientation, they weren't very convincing. No wonder Mrs. Parkers almost flunked him. "My eyes will enjoy the blissful peace without your sight till you get under the covers."

"Poof, fine, I'm in the friggin bag."

"Ha, ha, you're lying. I'm on to you!"

"Bloody hell! I'm serious you dolt."

"As if. No one is that fast… sleeping bags aren't that easy to get in to… … I should know." Lifetime membership for ALL areas of life had always come in handy. ~ Now into the box! ~

"Vampire here, mate." Spike annoyed tones broke into Xander's dark thoughts.

"Oh oka …. Wait! How can I make sure you're not lying to me? 'Vampire' and all."

"Whatever, mate, I'm going to sleep and you do what you like. Stand there with your eyes tightly shut all day for all I care… it's passed my bed time."

After a few minutes of silence, Xander reluctantly opened his eyes and saw Spike lying in the bag peacefully asleep. He hadn't zipped the bag to the top, which was understandable seeing that he was camping in the Summer's living room in Dawn's sleeping bag. The extra blankets covered the vampire's whole body, except for the striking features. And no one would notice that Spike was actually naked under them since they even covered his shoulders. Xander couldn't help but run his eyes over Spike's face for a moment. The blonde looked beautiful sleeping, like a perfectly made sculpture of sleeping beauty waiting for her prince to awaken her with a…

~ Stupid faulty box! ~

Sighing, Xander climbed onto the couch, slipped under the covers and lied on his stomach. His face scrunched. It didn't feel comfortable with the large breasts squished into the hard couch. Man, he couldn't even sleep in his best position. Why did he jump at the chance to sleep on the couch again? He knew that Spike was after something when he had given an uncaring shrug about their sleeping arrangement! Xander wiggled in a last try to get comfortable.

Groaning, he turned to his side and his sleepy eyes opened. He was about to wake Spike up and tell him to switch, when he caught the sight Spike's proud boobs. They had somehow escaped from the blanket that now fell over the tiny waist.

~ Those are some perky boobs, ~ he observed in his sleep-deprived mind. ~ Nice… boo… ~

"Enjoying the view, mate?"

His eyes slowly moved up, passed over a small smirk, and finally they were caught in the hold of a half-opened blue eye.

~ How can he raise an eyebrow while his eye is half closed? ~

Xander gasped with embarrassment but tried the international cover. "Aren't you asleep?"

"Not with your annoying heartbeats making their appreciation known. Now go to sleep, they'll be there tomorrow!"

The brunette blushed a deep red at the mention of 'they' and burrowed into his bed with no more thoughts of sleeping arrangements. Soon the tiredness took hold of him and he was fast asleep.

Part Seven

An unsettling feeling of someone staring at him woke Xander up. He had a restless night sleeping the night before, what with the squishiness of his boobs and the couch trying to get to along peacefully and failing miserably. It was hard sleeping in a position that you were not used to, but it was just as hard to sleep on your stomach when you have huge boobies stuck to your chest!

Xander grew weary; the feeling of someone staring at him was getting on his nerves. He drowsily opened his eyes with reluctance only to blink caught off guard by wide blue eyes gazing at him intensely. Dawn contemplated him with interest.

Again, he blinked fuzzily up at her. “Wha?”

A silly beam appeared on her face, as she shook her head, uncombed yet silky hair bouncing with the harsh movement.

~ Why am I noticing her hair?? Must. Stay. Awake. ~

“Nothing, it’s just … you’re so adorable sleeping I couldn’t resist!” she squealed and gave him a light kiss on his cheek.

He was still blinking though the squeal did help blow away some of the fog in his mind. “I’m always adorable sleeping.”

She nodded. “Yeah, but now you don’t have that gray itchy stubble on you, which makes you twice as adorable.” She couldn’t help but kiss his smooth cheek once more.

He grinned happily at the attention. “More adorable than Spike?” he asked pouting, knowing full well that she was going to say that Spike was cuter. But given it was early in the morning, and she had evilly woken him up, he hoped she would flatter him. He wouldn't mind really, especially if it meant choosing him over Spike.

“I’m trying really hard not to look at Spike right now.” She grinned uneasily.

Xander frowned. “Why?” He peered down at Spike and found that the blanket only covered the vampire's bellybutton. Barely.

~ Mmmm, pretty button. Why is it called a button? ~ His eyes swept over the naval upwards.

A couple of perky breasts were beautifully free of the nasty covers. Xander drew back agitatedly and looked back at Dawn hoping she didn't notice how his eyes lingered a moment longer than was suitable for the definition of a 'quick glance' and that she would pass off his drool to typical sleep drool. “Oh,” was all he could manage.

Dawn straightened up. “I should go get ready for school. I just couldn’t help checking on both women-you-s sleeping. You know when I first woke up? I thought it was just a dream.” A huge grin played on her lips. “So glad it wasn’t!”

With that, she bounced up the stairs to her room leaving a tired Xander trying to get back to sleep. Unfortunately, that wasn't going to happen any time soon with all girls upstairs waking up, yelling at each other for dibs on the bathroom and making big fuss over a missing shirt, or was it a blouse?

~ All that for dressing up? ~ He thought aggravated and not a little frightened. ~ Man, living with one woman is annoying, more than one is a scary thing. ~ Now, he knew there was no way he could close his eyes without having nightmares. Or, *early* morning-mares as the case may be.

He sat up jadedly with a moan and looked at the clock. It was a little past 7 A.M. He groaned. It wasn’t fair! He didn’t get enough sleep last night!

Feeling a little bit breezy on the left side of his body, he turned and grimaced at his bare shoulder. He drew the pink pajama shirt's wide neck up to cover it, but as soon as he let go it slipped back down again.

He glared. ~ Who was this big PJs made for?! ~

The noise grew louder upstairs and Xander sighed resignedly and crossed his legs Indian style something he noticed came a lot more easily now that he was stuck in a woman's body. He picked up the remote control, turned the TV on, and started mindlessly changing the channels.

Spike’s hand rose and began scratching sleepily at his chest, clearly an involuntary act. Xander jumped startled at the sudden move but couldn’t help staring at Perky Boobs. That was what he had started calling them in his brain. His heart started pounding at the way Spike’s hand massaged his left boob drowsily. Xander’s eyes focused on the pointed pink nipples. He gasped when his hand, that wasn't holding the remote flicking away at the button, throbbed wanting to show the sluggish hand what real massaging was like. He turned his attention quickly to the TV and raised the volume in hope of being distracted.

Spike snarled annoyed. He sat up angrily and looked with yellow eyes at Xander, seemingly unconcerned that he was practically naked. “Keep the blare down, git!”

Xander stared with wide eyes at Spike’s naked upper body. The trim waist was even more revealed in the new position and complementing the chest even more. It had taken huge effort to look up at the game faced vamp. Spike’s long hair was messy; it made Xander touch his own hair to check if it looked as sleep ridden as Spike’s. Though he doubted it looked like he had been doing what anyone would guess the blond had done last night, a rump in the 'knapsack' they say. And why was it that the unkempt look of tussled hair only added to the over all hotness of him? Xander was as jealous as he was pretending that he was not gay... lesbian wise. He frowned trying to remember if he had come to a final answer concerning that.

“Gonna keep it down?!” Spike growled making Xander jump, eyes snapping into focus.

Xander swallowed a lump, that growl sounded too sexy. He took a deep breath and glared at Spike. “Not until you wear something.”

“What?”

~ What? ~ The male brain screeched in Xander's head making his ears ring from the inside.

“It’s morning anyway. Get up, go wear some clothes." Xander pointed at sweats folded on the chair next to the PJ's Spike refused to wear to bed.

~ Crazy… crazy talk! Anya turned me into a crazy woman! ~

It seemed like Xander had two minds. Which was strange seeing that his was now missing the essential body organ that controlled said 'second mind', unless he had the equivalent in this female body? And that was too weird to even comprehend even more disturbing than him – *previously* red-hot American male – wanting a body that a swim suite model would die for to be covered.

"You've gone bloody mental! They're purple!" Spike sounded appalled at even the thought of being in the same room with the clothes.

~ New plan! ~ Xander smiled devilishly. He had practiced this particular smile in front of the mirror for sometime now and finally he had a chance to use it. This would certainly help take his mind off his 'personal crisis' and give him a chance to see Spike suffering. The young brunet hated how his companion seemed to adapt to the situation better than him. ~ Seeing Spike gloomy in purple sweats is reason enough to make him wear them… other reason goes into the box! ~

Spike narrowed his eyes. He didn't like this. The boy—girl was planning something, and he knew he wouldn't like it. He felt his skin crawl when Xander replaced that awful mimicking of a smirk with an innocent look. It was scary when one of the Scoobies played the naive card.

"What are you up to, ducks?" his voice dipped with venom.

"Who me?" Xander shrugged. He turned back to the screen giving himself a mental high five for keeping his eyes above neck. He grinned. "Oooh, look Bugs Bunny!"

Spike frowned and turned to see a rabbit with a carrot tripping a bald guy with a gun.

Xander sniffed. "I know this." He changed the channel. "Oh! Tom and Jerry… classics." He clicked his tongue and changed it once again. Holding back a smile when he noticed a tick appear on Spike's cheek.

Spike's eyes widened. "Bloody hell, what in all that is unholy are those?!"

Xander bounced. "Those are the Power Puff Girls! They are soo cool! Bubbles - blue, Buttercup - green and Blossom - pink… she's the leader. Willow is more like Bubbles… Blossom is like Buffy and I like Buttercup the most!"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Don't tell me… coz 'she's' like you,” he said sardonically.

Xander bit his lip and mumbled in a low voice, "one could only wish." Then he perked up and said loudly, "She kicks ass! Kick 'em and never asks questions!" He smiled widely.

Spike snorted looking at the three carton characters beat some poor ugly character into a messy pulp. "Sounds more like the slayer to me." Unknown to Xander, Spike had heard the to soft words of self-consciousness.

Spike sighed. "If I wear that god awful 'purple' sad excuse for garments, you turn down the bubbly kiddy racket?"

Xander gaped surprised. That was too easy. He felt a little sorry that he hadn't tortured Spike with more bright colored, loud music kids shows.

"Uh- sure." Well that wasn't as fun as he thought. ~ Damn, evil vampire taking the fun out of everything. At least he's stuck wearing Dawn's clothes. ~ All further thoughts ceased as did all Xander's functioning organs as he was rewarded with a full body view of Spike getting up in all his—her--- NAKED glory, *stretching*, shaking the blond locks and make them cascade in slow motion down to the middle of his back ~ how did he do that?! ~ … right at the dip… where the slim waist…

With the last ounce of conscious ability Xander squeezed his eyes shut and willing his lungs and heart to start working again because he wasn't ready to find out what people were going to say about him in his funeral, how he died and how it wasn't going to be an open casket… and what they were going to write on his tombstone…

"Oi! You okay, pet? You're breathing a marathon and you're heart is drumming in my ear."

Xander opened one eye just a smidge looking downwards and began ascending over purple pants, a similar *tight* top ~ is it cold in here? ~, up a long creamy neck and finally to a concerned face. More confidently he opened both eyes. His breathing began to regulate. Guess he started living again when he was too busy panicking.

"Uh, yeah, fine," he finally managed to answer. Spike gave him one last searching look before shrugging and flopping next to him on the couch not forgetting to snatch the remote out of his hands to turn the volume down. He didn't give the remote back and began surfing.

Xander didn't snatch the control back. He was too shocked for that. Still processing what he saw and for once he wasn’t crazy enough to bring his mental box into the equation. And would it be too far fetched for him to contemplate the idea that Spike did that on purpose, not only being his usual comfortable with his nudity self? Xander turned his head to look at the vampire who returned his look with innocence. He felt the hair on the back of his neck rise and switched his gaze to the TV.

Spike's innocent look was replaced by his infamous smirk. ~ See how he likes it. ~ His finger stopped. ~ Oh, Die Hard! And it's the first one… splendid.~

He pointed with his free hand. "This one's better than the other two."

Xander alternated between the vampire and the flashing screen. The two heroes had only met. The brunet recognized a manly peace offering- skin not withstanding.

He smiled. "Too true. Though the third wasn't bad but not as good as the original."

Spike sniffed sharing a grin.

They sat in companionable silence.

"Aww!!!" The two were startled and turned to look in the direction where the sound came from then blinked when their vision turned white.

"Bloody Hell!" "Damn it!"

Spike and Xander rubbed at their eyes. "What the hell did you bloody bints do?!"

Xander squinted his eyes. "Please tell me that wasn't a flash that blinded me just now."

Spike stopped rubbed his eyes and turned his wide eyes from Xander to the camera in Dawn's hands. He growled. "Lil' Bit, better hand that blasted machine over here!"

Dawn giggled. "But you guys looked so cute, right Buffy."

Buffy nodded with a smirk. "Sure did, Dawnie. Something for the books I say." She inclined to her sister with her head and found the camera in her hands. The slayer looked at the former two men confidently. "I'm gonna take this with me so you two don't get any sudden urges to tear films." She got a twinkle in her eyes. "Gonna drop it off to be developed on my way to work."

Xander smiled weakly. "But Buff. That's not very financialy wise you know. Developing just for one photo."

He only got a couple of eyes blinking innocently at him. Spike jabbed his side lightly.

"They're better at that than us. I'm scared." Xander nodded. "Slayer, what are you up to?" Spike narrowed his eyes.

Buffy fluttered her lashes at him. "I'm not up to anything Spike. I was up early this morning… a little energetic given I didn't patrol yesterday and while I was getting me some warm milk… well let's say my photographic senses screamed at me to capture the moment." She gave the horrified two a full teeth smile. "So see Xand film only had room for one pic and I knew Dawn would whine if she didn't get to take one."

Xander gulped. "You… you have a whole of film of *us* sleeping." A sudden thought struck him and he felt cold seep into his bones. "Me and *Spike* sleeping… with him and his…" Xander's mouth was dry for some reason.

Spike raised an eyebrow. "Me and what, *pet*?"

Xander squeaked.

"Ah!" Buffy got it then. She waved her hand. "Oh, no. Don't worry I cover… that." She looked a bit awkward… and was there a hit if jealously in her eyes? Xander tried not to contemplate that too much. The blond Slayer shrugged. "Yeah, it was too distracting for Willow when she wanted to take some digital photos."

"WHAT!!" Spike and Xander both screamed.

At that moment, Willow came down the stairs adjusting her bag on her shoulder. She froze at the look Xander and Spike gave her.

"What?"

Xander shook his head in betrayal. Spike settled for looking at her interested in that intense way he had. Willow blushed which caused Spike smirk then swear when Xander poked him angrily. Xander glared at him before shuffling away to the further side of the couch which wasn’t all that far. He didn't like that look that Spike gave Willow. Because that was his best friend who was on the receiving end of that look not for any other reason that was for sure.

Xander pouted.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Hey, Will, better take your digital cam with you. I'm thinking the 'guys' have some destructive feelings towards it."

Willow blushed harder and just nodded before quickly excusing herself on the pretence of an early class and was out the door with only an apologetic glance at Xander.

"C'mon Dawn or you'll be late for school." Dawn nodded and followed her sister grinning at the same time thinking how she was going to re-write this story and edit the Hellmouth bits to share it with her friends. Her smile widened. This was so cool!

"Wait, you're not gonna leave me with him?!"

Buffy stopped and looked at Xander. "Xan, you slept with him all night… besides he's chipped and in the same girly boat as you what's he gonna do?" She didn’t mention that she trusted Spike with her friends. It wasn't because what had happened between them, but he had proven himself to her and her friends in the last year. Besides, she knew he liked them all, and not only for her sake. He was just too full of his Big Bad persona to admit it. Hence, Buffy saw it as her right not to say so as well and just rely on old habits.

Xander frowned at her angrily. Did Buffy really need to remind him he was a girl? It's not like he doesn't remember that with every awkward move or sight of Spike's sexy woman body. Xander deflated. He did not sleep with Spike. Why did Buffy say that? He was on the couch, Spike was on the floor… there was no sleeping together and no nakedness. Well except that Spike was naked. And there was sleeping involved. But it was sleeping, sleeping. NOT 'that' sleeping. And what was that lurch he was feeling in his stomach?

Spike also glared at Buffy feeling the giddiness he had over playing with Xander and later Willow dissipated. First, he had to wear stupid purple girly hand-me-downs from the slayer's kid sister. Then his love interest reminded him what a total waist of space he was. Oh, and he was in a chick's body and there happened to be proof, twice over. Photos were in the hands of the Slayer and a very powerful-in-crush-Witch. No chance of destroying the evidence there.

"Life sucks."

At least one thing both Spike and Xander agree on. That and their shared liking of Bruce Willis in explosion filled movies.

"Think there gonna be a number four?" Xander asked without real feeling.

Spike fell back against the couch suddenly very tired. "I wouldn't be surprised if there was."

Xander nodded. Spike watched another bomb go off. It didn't help.

Part Eight

Spike and Xander sunk deep into the couch with as much space as possible left between them. They fell deeper in their despair when they heard the front door slam closed behind the three young women. Each one was heading to her respective function. Buffy to the Magic Box where she took over after Anya got her old job back, looking after the place until Giles came back, and maybe earn some keep while she was at it, anything better than the Double Meat Palace! Willow went to her morning classes and Dawn to school. That left both Xander and Spike as each other's delightful company.

After several minutes of sitting still in uncomfortable silence only interrupted by the sound of the T.V. as the credits rolled by, Xander pushed himself up and exited the living room. Spike didn't show any sign that he noticed, seemingly intrigued with the names of the stunt doubles. Rummaging could be heard. Cupboards were opening and closing, the definite sound of the fridge door being opened. Then before long, Xander came back laden with supplies. He was walking with difficulty as he was balancing four beers on top of a couple large bags of chips. He spread the stuff on the coffee table keeping one beer for himself then leaned back into the couch and started the mindless T.V. surfing, occasionally sipping from his beverage.

A moment later, he held back a smile as he heard the hiss of another can opening. Soon the two males-turned-femmes were sitting in comfortable silence not giving the other a single thought except when their hands fought for the last chip. Because everyone knew that it was the tastiest chip. Spike won.

Xander sighed and stood up. "I'm going to the bathroom."

Spike shrugged while making noticeable crunching sounds. "Don't see why you have to tell me all the exhilarating details of your life."

Xander ground his teeth together to keep from barking at the vampire. With a muffled growl, he left for the bathroom.

~ Boy'd make a fine vamp. Gotta ask Anyaka before I bloody decapitate her about that other dimension Xan she once kept yappin' 'bout. ~

Spike snagged the remote and started clicking through the channels tiredly. He should be asleep during the day. But God help him if he slept in a house alone with Xander Harris. The boy already got him turned into a chick, deliberately or not. He wasn't about to allow himself to be even more defenseless in a house full of sharp weapons courtesy of the slayer.

There was a knock on the door and Spike waited for Xander to come out of the bathroom to answer it, but nothing. The vampire sighed and levered himself up off the couch, pulling the purple sweats back up when they threatened to fall. Thankfully, his brand new round waist kept that from happening. Spike was glad that his low-cut top was tight enough that it didn't need similar treatment and a plus for not needing a bra!

~ Bet that riled the boy! ~ He thought snickering.

The knocking returned once more with more impatience this time. Spike rolled his eyes and quickened his step.

"Bloody do everything myself and they start to pound the door down."

He unlocked the door and stepped back from it, towards the curtain protected living room and yelled, "It's open."

The door opened and closed. The figure at the door froze as he opened his mouth before blinking surprised at him. He asked with a stutter, "I- I beg your pardon, b-but who might you be?"

Spike looked confused at Giles' ignorance before he felt a devilish smile appear on his face. It seemed like Buffy asked the old watcher to come and help but conveniently 'forgot' to inform him of the reason. He held back a snicker.

~ Oh, I get to play. Such joy! ~

Giles was oblivious to this, not to mention flustered at Spike's revealing appearance. He looked anywhere but at the seemingly disheveled attractive blonde.

"Are you an o-older friend of Dawn's?" he asked gruffly.

Spike chocked on a snort. He knew he looked young but it seemed that the purple sweats and the unkempt appearance made him look a little older than Dawn. Spike had no idea that he actually looked like a 19-year-old model that had just woken up from a very 'satisfying' sleep. Or did he?

Spike fluttered his lashes confused. "Who is Dawn?" Then he faked knowledge. "Oh! You must mean that little girl in the picture. Xan-der," he said in his over exaggerated American accent, "- always makes sure that I'm here after she and the other ladies of the house have left."

This time Giles looked directly at the grinning woman. "I beg your pardon?"

Spike pulled on the memory of every seductive woman that had come across his path and brought forth every movie that would help him in his performance. Also, it seemed that those boring hours spent with Anya while she babbled on about Xander in bed would come in handy.

He twirled his finger around a long blond lock and looked under his long bangs and lashes. He pouted delicately and bit on his lower lip smiling in satisfaction when a flush started to build on the human's face.

"Poor guy was really down … he needed something to lift his spirits. And for the right amount I was ready to… help lift him up." There was a wicked gleam in the blue eyes. "I can get ANY one up, you know."

A delicate finger was running over the long milky neck while the young woman tilted her head in thought. Giles swallowed the lump in his throat before he noticed that the supple ruby lips were still moving.

"… he's a Viking in the sack I'll have you know." Spike licked his lips instead of grinning widely when he saw the wild green eyes looking for escape. "He really knows how to please me with his interlocking parts… work's pleasure with him. Mmmm." He sighed dramatically, making sure his chest rose and felt heat of Giles' eyes. Spike sniffed discreetly and chuckled inwardly when he caught a very definite smell coming from the flustered man. That was only more incentive for him to continue.

"…and after he rides me like a fine mare – which he keeps screaming in when he's 'close' –" A whimper came from the door's direction. "-he tells me when we cuddle, which causes him extra by the way… him needing the contact and all, that if only he had a sound father figure to help him through that wedding. His own father being a drunken fool was out of the question." He sighed exuberantly. "If only there were some man he could've confided in… who he looked up to and thought of as a father to give him advice… none of this would've happened."

"Oh my…" Giles for a change looked devastated due to another reason.

Spike shrugged. He never felt this … giddy was the only word that fit. "Well all that ends well… least for me. I could retire on the cash that I got from this."

"Why are you here?" Giles looked around frantically. "Is Xander here?"

"We can't go to his place no more…. Neighbors bother us with their yelling for us to stop… rude much!" He knew hanging around the slayer and her friends would be good for something. He was knowledgeable in the ways of girl speak.

He narrowed his eyes. "You're a friend of his?"

Giles still hadn't moved from his spot near the door nodded slowly in dread.

The blond gaped before bursting in frantic words.

"Give me money! Xanny Hunk… it's what he makes me call him… ran off on me and I ain't leavin' with out my pay!"

"What?" Giles rubbed at his face.

"I think Hunk-y boy is a little short for cash… he has been around the block a lot if you catch my drift." Spike winked.

The watcher didn't understand half of what the woman, ~ Dear God… Xander hired a prostitute~, said but he did get the first part.

"Xander needs money?"

Spike nodded so hard it caused the blond hair to bounce. "You bet your flat English ass he does… his demanded last 'service' the king treatment… and since it wasn't such a hardship for a well hug cha--- uh dude like him only cost him 1000 bucks."

"Flat… excuse me. Wait," Giles' indigence turned into even more horrified shock if that was even possible. "1000 bucks?! Dollars? That's awfully much…"

"How would you know? Had your fill of some, huh?" Spike wiggled a finger and leered. "Well I'm not like anyone else…. I have talent… and Xanny Hunk wanted the special treatment…. ALL the extras…. Want a list? Okay, on top there's the dominant play… he likes it when I lead… with toys of course, I'm no rooky … we have…"

"Hey! You're here!" Giles jumped as he heard another unfamiliar female voice that caused him to take in a deep breath making his color start to fade from the blue that had attacked him when he stopped breathing midway into the description. He turned around and the red rushed back to his face when he found a cute, short girl wearing a wide baby blue T-shirt and darker blue sweat pants. Her silky dark hair fell prettily on her shoulders and her sunny smile gave her face that innocent gleam. Now this one absolutely *looked* Dawn's age.

That made Giles' bones to turn cold. Was Xander that depressed that he needed to play a game with a striking 'experienced' harlot and a shy innocent virgin?

~ Did my absence drive him to this? It's all my fault! ~

"Oh Dear Lord… Xander hired himself TWO prostitutes!" he blurted out with gaped eyes.

"WHAT?" Xander yelled before looking at Spike accusingly. "What is he talking about?"

The blonde-haired vampire was biting his lip, hard. "Rupes thinks we're hookers."

"WHAT?!"

Giles was trying to wrap his mind around how he can help Xander out as well as trying to remember if he ever told the young 'lady' his name.

"Spike, what did you do?!"

Giles blinked at the name. His mind froze.

~ Did she say Spike? ~

His eyes narrowed as they zoomed in on the blond who was pouting at the brunet while amazingly carrying out death glare at the same time. Not to mention she mouthed 'party poofter'.

Giles rolled his eyes with a weary sigh.

It was all finally making perfect sense. How hesitant Buffy was on telling him about the problem they needed him for, only begging him to come as soon as possible because they didn't know what to do. She knew that if she told him what had really happened he would burst out laughing and then would tell her to let the two stew because if anyone deserved it, it would've been them.

So, the blonde-haired woman was Spike and the brunette was Xander. Good heavens, did he just think that Xander was a shy innocent virgin? Well, perhaps that was better than him 'nearly' getting aroused by a female vision of *Spike*!

~ That blasted vampire better not claim to have used his senses and detected my reaction to him—her, or I bloody well would show him what Ripper really meant. And if Xander makes one of his infuriating jokes… I swear…! ~

He shook his head. That was why those two deserved this. They drove him bloody bonkers!

"I should've realized from that horrid American accent… I figured it some kind of southern talk."

Xander scoffed. "You have just insulted the south."

Giles rubbed at his eyes. "I assume you're the problem? Xander?"

Xander hid his face in his hands. Typical. Giles assumed that he was the reason to this. Let them just forget that it was true… and concentrate that someone else saw him as a girl.

Spike wrapped his arm around the brown-haired woman's shoulder. "We're always trouble! It's our 'maiden' name!"

Xander looked at Spike with a pained face. "Now that's bad and this is coming from me!"

~ And here I was worried Xander was going to make with the jokes. ~

Giles felt tired all of a sudden. The shock was unbearable. He moved to the living room wanting to relax in his favorite place on the couch. Sadly, the dream was too good to be true, revolting pieces of chips were all over it. Four beer cans scattered over the coffee table with definite wet marks all over. The middle-aged man heaved a weary sigh and headed to the adjoining chair. A disgusted expression emerged on his face when his eyes fell on the untidy light blue pajamas thrown on *his* bloody chair!

He was beginning to lose his temper. At least from within but that was were it started. He had better watch himself. Ripper wouldn't do any good at this moment. Even though it would be extremely satisfying. He took a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling. Now he was calm or as calm as he could be with those two around.

He stood by the couch and disgustedly picked up the two pieces of pajamas with the tips of his fingers. He threw them on the floor with a grimace.

"At least we know now that you're still the same slobs, now don’t we." He looked from the clothes to the beer cans and chips then pushed the clothes away with the sole of his shoe.

Spike snorted. "Oi, c'mon Rupert, there's no need to act so spooked!"

"Oh pray tell, why should I not be 'spooked' after your riveting story?" Giles grumbled while making himself comfortable on the couch.

Xander looked at Spike puzzled. "What did ya tell him?" His inner voice yelled at him that it wasn't a good idea to ask. He held up his hands in horror. "No, no, I don't wanna know!" For once, he knew to listen to the inner voice residing upstairs.

He turned to the English man, the one who was still a proud owner of all his manly part. "You so don't wanna know about those Giles," he said pointing at the blue pajamas.

Giles nodded agreeing. Finally, some sense around here.

"I always sleep naked." Spike shrugged. "Dunno why you tiptoe around that."

"Dear God," Giles exclaimed annoyed while Xander smacked his hand over his eyes in embarrassment. The ex-librarian massaged his head. "Who knew too much information could be as harmful as this." He glared at the vampire angrily.

Spike smirked and crossed his arms under his chest, purposely pushing the round breasts up causing more clear skin to show. Then he moved his finger in what could be though as an unconscious way over the separating line between the two pairs bringing more attention to them. He chuckled evilly when Giles cursed at the sight and looked away causing the heated glare to be broken.

Spike raised his eyebrow thoughtfully. ~ Well, well, well… maybe being a chick could have some advantages here. ~

Xander felt himself fume. First Willow, now Giles. Does Spike have absolutely NO dignity or restraint? He rolled his brown eyes. What was he thinking. Of course not. This was Spike he was talking about here.

Sighing, Giles took off his glasses and started his usual cleaning session. An unexpected gasp made him jump slightly. He raised his eyes with apprehension.

~ Now what? ~

Xander pointed his finger at him, his body somewhat shaking. "You're ... you're doing it!"

Spike followed Xander's pointed finger with excitement and looked at Rupert who was cleaning his glasses. His excitement dropped. "He's always doing it," he said bored.

"Yeah, but do you know why he does it?" Xander asked looking at Giles heatedly.

"Why?" Spike asked confused. ~ What got Harris in a snitch? ~

"Buffy told me he cleans his glasses so he won't see what we do." Xander's fists now were closed rigidly. He hated when Giles threw away all his experience as a 'watcher'. He was supposed to 'watch' damn it! Not Spike of course, but it was the principle that mattered! And all he was doing now was looking the other way or faking blindness. Xander wondered how upset Giles really was when Willow made him blind that one time.

"What?" Giles said with a tense whisper. Putting his glasses back on, he looked apprehensively at the angry brown-haired woman. He remembered asking Buffy to tell no one. He sighed. Maybe she did it in spite, to get back at him because he had left. On the other hand, it could've been mere feminine nature; not being physically able to keep their mouths shut.

~ But how does that explain Xander and Spike before their sudden transformation? Perhaps this was a long time coming. ~

He looked at the two females in front of him and couldn't help but itch to clean his glasses once more. He was sure he had missed a spot. He finally gave up, not able to see more of that, and took them off and began wiping at that maddening spot.

He could tell that Xander was rolling his eyes and Spike was wickedly doing that … thing with his breasts. Breasts? He shuddered. With a sinking feeling, he realized that he was the only male in the group. Their group already had too many female members, they certainly didn't need more. It was a déjà vu to the feeling he had when Angel and Oz left leaving him to be the only adult, which really didn't change when Spike joined. And he wasn't even going to go there. He still couldn't figure out how that happened.

When he put his glasses on again, he looked hesitantly in the direction of Xander and Spike. Why were they standing so close to each other… and to him? Thankfully, Spike stopped his … and Xander was no longer angry. They were looking at him hopefully now. It was as if they were hoping he would present them with the answer to their problem at that very moment.

He shook his head. Why were they always expecting him to find the right answer immediately? He had a growing feeling of irritation at the sight of the mess on the couch. Now he noticed the sleeping bag as well as the covering, which clearly meant they had spent the night here, one would think they lived here as well from the chaos. Even though Xander and Spike were women at that moment, they were still disorganized as ever

He remembered the unpleasant days when Spike used to live with him. A terrified shudder came when he remembered his stay in Xander's dank basement. ~ I really hate the initiative! ~

Turning his gaze to the hopeful two, he asked, "Why don't you clean this mess right now before we try to figure this out?"

Xander and Spike shared a look then burst into unwomanly gales of laughter leaning into each other for support.

Giles sighed and tried again. "When will Buffy be back?"

As sudden as it started it stopped and the two bodies froze before they immediately started cleaning up the garbage. Giles closed his eyes tiredly.

~When *will* Buffy be back? ~

Part Nine

"Willow do I have to?!"

The redhead sighed. She was tired of this already. She had thought she had the good deal when Dawn placed dibs on shopping with Spike, but now she wished it was the other way around. Spike giving her knowing grins at the looks she would give him was a whole lot better than undergoing Xander whining. And she thought he was bad as a boy. She had no idea!

"Again, Xan. Yes. You can't keep wearing the same clothes everyday. I didn't keep—uh, Tara's clothes won't take this much abuse."

Xander pouted. He poked at the outfit in front of him. "Why do I have to look at skirts? It's not the Dark Ages you know."

Willow glared at him. "You need to own at least one skirt, Xander! You don't know when one might come in handy."

Xander crossed his arms. "I picked one, but *you* didn't approve." He stuck up his nose.

Willow pointed at said skirt still clear from a distance. "You mean that *tight* *checkered* skirt?" Then she turned her accusing eyes towards him. "The *one* only available at the smallest size they have and with as many colors in it a rainbow would hide its head in the sand from the shame of it all?"

Xander had the dignity to blush. "I always wanted a kilt."

"Which again that wasn't!"

Hands waved in front of her face. "Calm down, Wills, don’t want you getting any anger lines."

Willow covered her face and whimpered. With a deep breath she straightened up and turned Xander pushing him towards different kinds of clothes.

"Now, remember, Xander… it's either this or you walking around with no bra … and you'll actually feel why every blessing comes with some pain."

Xander looked sideways at her skeptically. But with narrowed eyes he turned back and carefully inspected the underwear. According to all those shows on T.V. women were really particular about what they wore, especially on the inside, even though no one would see it. Of course, except their respectable other, but even then, Xander knew from experience, they cared for what was underneath. Sure the wrapping was nice, but the present was inside and several kinds of 'nice'.

Therefore, there had to be some other reason to them taking such care in picking up their lingerie. Xander was determined to find out. He reached forward for the undergarments but short from reaching it his hand froze. He never 'really' touched any… other than that time those damn frat boys pushed him into one, and he took that off as soon as he was clear. He actually shuddered to think of who wore that. As for with Anya, she was always so eager for sex, he barely had time to see her in them before they magically disappeared and she was on him. And for the one that was on him, well that didn't count, Buffy had strapped it on him and he had yet to take it off.

~ Uh, maybe Willow was right. Gross! ~

He pulled back his hand. Instead he drew closer to the hanged garments and leaned his head over to peek inside at the tiny paper. He squinted his eyes to read it. The answer to women might be in there.

Willow bit her lip as she felt her nails dig into her flesh. She didn't even realize she was clenching her fists until the pain registered. And why wasn't she letting go? Oh, right, because she might punch Xander. She raked her brain trying to think why that was a bad idea.

"Willow?"

That caused her to jump. Xander was too enwrapped in his 'reading' to notice. But Willow did, she knew that voice even better than her own.

~ Though whenever I hear my voice on tape it sounds like someone else… ~

Even in the most unusual of circumstances she couldn't keep herself from babbling, at least this time it was in her brain. She hoped.

"Oh, Tara!"

The blonde's eyes swung from Willow to the brunette with her back to them. The other girl was currently wearing the clothes Tara was missing when she had packed. The dark-haired girl was apparently buying garments with her girlfriend with whom she had recently reconciled with.

Willow's eyes grew twice as large. An amazing feat as it was. She was able to read what Tara was thinking. Which was exactly what anyone would think. She was out with a girl, who was wearing her girlfriend clothes, not soon after they had gotten back together. Clearly the brunette had had a busy night, slept over and didn't have spare clothes so she wore the leftovers. And now the lovebirds were buying together, albeit Wal-Mart lingerie. But the thought counts, right? And that was something some saw as being even more intimate than spending the night. The only problem was… it was not true!

"No, no, Tara. It’s not what you think… it's Xander. Xander is a girl. Xander is a girl!! He…"

She couldn't say anymore because it was really hard to talk with a hand plastered against your mouth.

"Oh, louder, why don't you Willow?" Xander hissed in her ear. "Don't think that tattooed-biker-guy heard you. Jeez!"

Willow mumbled something that Xander chose to interoperate as an apology.

He pulled back with a pout. "I was never more thankful that Spike couldn't go out in the day." He referred to the lack of customers at that time of the night.

Tara took it all in stride. She sighed. "So what happened? And what does Spike have to do with this?"

Willow opened her mouth but Xander gave her a warning glare and she snapped it shut.

He turned to Tara. "Short version. Anya wanted to curse me… needed a chick… couldn't get one of my friends to do it… needed someone who doesn't give a damn … surprise Spike!"

Tara opened her mouth but Xander kept on going, "But Spike is a guy … so she needed him to be a girl so he can curse me … had Harmony of all people to vengeance-wish him a girl … and in turn he wished me without my manly bits and now…" He poked his thumb in the air behind him. "I'm buying lingerie!"

Tara blinked then nodded. "I thought your aura looked familiar." She looked at Willow. "What spells did you use to try and change them back?"

That had Willow speaking up no matter what Xander thought. "Not one. You were busy with class so I thought not to bother you. I was gonna tell you tomorrow though." She blushed.

That seemed to be enough for Tara. She smiled proudly at Willow. "That's as well. Only a vengeance demon can break her own curse."

Xander snorted. "Tell that to Giles and Buffy who're still researching back at HQ."

Willow drew closer to Tara conspiringly. "Actually I think they knew better than to go shopping with Xander and Spike gone Femme. It’s scary!" Fact was, when Buffy had finally returned home, she promptly decided that Spike and Xander couldn't keep walking around in hand-me-downs, it was unwomanly, and that there was a need for an impromptu visit to Wal-Mart. Spike and Xander had changed back into last night's clothes, much to Giles' relief, she had noticed, and were sent out with Willow and Dawn plus a list of groceries. And yes, if the boys-in-disguise were on their good behavior, they could buy snacks but not too much, because it would ruin their figure.

"Hey!"

Tara giggled at Xander's outrage. "Where is Spike anyway?"

Willow drew back a smile on her face at Tara's acceptance. "Dawn is chaperoning him. It seemed like a good idea at first…" She and Tara shared a wince.

"Maybe we should see how they're doing?"

Willow sighed. "I wish. We haven't even bought one thing for Xander." She perked up. "Hey wanna help? Two minds are better than one."

Tara grinned widely and nodded drawing closer to Willow and they started looking through things occasionally glancing at Xander with calculating looks.

Xander gaped. "What about *my* third mind? Girls… Wills… Tara?" He ran up to catch them barely stopping to pick up the now filled basket. "Put down those high heels!"

T B C

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