stink (stingk)

v., stank (stãngk) or stunk (stungk), stunk, stink·ing, stinks.

v.intr.

1. To emit a strong foul odor.

2. a. To be highly offensive or abhorrent.

b. To be in extremely bad repute.

3. Slang. To have something to an extreme or offensive degree: a family that stinks with money; a deed that stinks of treachery.

4. Slang. a. To be of an extremely low or bad quality: This job stinks.

b. To have the appearance of dishonesty or corruption: Something about his testimony stinks.

v.tr.

To cause to stink: garbage that stinks up the yard.

n.

1. A strong offensive odor; a stench. See synonyms at stench.

2. Slang. A scandal or controversy: "the stink over sexual politics in the military" (David Nyhan).

idiom: make (or raise) a stink Slang.

1. To make a great fuss.

[Middle English stinken, from Old English stincan, to emit a smell.] stink'y adj.

Synonyms: fetor, foul odor, foulness, malodor, noisomeness, offensive smell, stench

be offensive, be rotten, funk, offend, reek, smell up

Smelly people piss me off.

Not a day goes by that I don’t step into the office, grocery store, Tim Horton’s or any other public place that my nostrils are bombarded with offending odors that would make an average person faint. I just don’t get it. Do these people not realize how much the stink or is it just me? I’m not talking about the every day stinks like a garbage truck or a skunk; I’m talking about pure, untainted Body Odor.

In the worst case situation (which seems to happen quite frequently) you get a combination of body odor and some other unpleasant stench. I’m talking about the kind of stink that makes milk curdle. I’m talking about the kind of stink that makes a dog walk off with its tail between its legs. I’m talking about the kind of stink that makes onions cry and the kind of stink that kills the fish in a lake when the person goes for a swim. I know that I sometimes joke with my friends, telling them that they stink just to get a reaction out of them because to me stinking is one of the worst things a person can do. My sight and my hearing are going on me but please, for God’s sake people please don’t ruin my sense of smell. I make damn sure I smell neutral or great when I leave my house in the morning, or if I plan on having company and you should too.

For example one time when I worked at Foodland Wolfville I had to pack groceries for a customer, which was not uncommon. It was peculiar that the cashier called for me by name when there were at least three other grocery workers in the store at the time. When I got to the end of the aisle and the cash register came into view I quickly came to realize why they had called me: I had the least seniority and nobody wanted to deal with the people I would soon interact with. The people looked acceptable; seemingly normal until I got about ten feet from them and it hit me like I walked into a wall……in this case a wall of stink. I’ll remember that stink until the day I die. It was indescribable but I’ll do my best to elaborate.

Imaging the biggest, fattest person you know. Now have them eat about 10 burritos with extra hot sauce. Now wait about 10 to 12 hours and have them shit. Leave that shit out in the sun for about 4 days then have your cat piss on it. That’s how bad they smelled. It was fucking disgusting.

So there I was standing in the checkout at the grocery store, tears rolling down my cheeks and vomit trying to make its way up my throat. I looked at the cashier and she gave me a look of sympathy. What made the situation shittier is that the person had a cane and I knew that it would not be a very fast trek to their car. We got to their old, beat up cutlass supreme and when they opened the door I thought I was going to pass out. It was like someone had died in there and had been left for 3 weeks. To make things worse, when I turned around to go back to the store the person was right in my face and let out an amazing belch. That’s right people, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse they fucking burped in my face. It was like sulfur fried in ballsweat. It instantly gave me a headache that would not go away for 3 days. I swear to God that is a true story. I shit you not.

There are a number of groups of people who have a very particular stink to them and I try to avoid at all costs.

Children

Until they hit the age of about 10 and begin to clean and groom themselves regularly I try to avoid these little balls of stench with all of my being. Children are disgusting. Just think of all the shit they get into: food, mud, dog shit, the stuff under the sink etc. Some of the worst smells imaginable come from children and the worst part is they think it is normal. They don’t seem to care that they smell they way they do so I implore you, teach your children to bathe on a regular basis. It is just plain inconsiderate to outstanding citizens such as myself if you don’t.

You see children in the grocery stores, out on the street and at day care and it looks like they have been rolling around in pig shit (most of them probably have been). These are the children who stink the most. Every time I come into contact with one I fight back the urge to throw up on them. t is a double edge sword because part of me realizes that throwing up on a kid probably wouldn’t be socially acceptable but another part of me knows that my vomit would definitely smell better than the child. Then I think why not throw up on the parent who should have cleaned their child properly in the first place. That would teach them a lesson.

The confined to small spaces for long periods of time morons.

This group of people include truckers, nerds who spend all day in their room, eccentric geniuses, anime fans, gamers and Goths. These people usually smell like a combination of body odor, mothballs, mustiness and the different types of food that are usually stored in different parts of their room. The ironic thing about these shit stains is that they usually only come out of their room to shower. I lived with one person. Every time you walked by his room you could smell his stench seeping out from the crack at the bottom of the door and every day I prayed to God that he wouldn’t hear me outside of his room and open his door to see how it is going. This group of people is the most likely to not notice the stink coming off of them and to deny it if somebody such as myself was to mention it to them. Here’s how the conversation usually goes:

Jon: "Hey, dipshit, I smell something funny in here"

Stinky Fuck: "I don’t know what you are talking about" (at this point the person usually picks their wedge or scratches their armpit)

Jon: "Wait a minute, it’s you!"

Stinky Fuck: "I swear, I took 3 showers today and used 4 different kinds of soap" etc. etc. (A story way too elaborate to be true)

Jon: "You dirty bastard, go take a shower and don’t let me catch you in public smelling like that ever again!" At which point I punch them in the back of the head to teach them a lesson.

It gets to the point of evolution where the stinky fuck cannot survive outside of their habitat of rancid ass air. They will try to expand their territory as much as possible forcing clean, law abiding citizens from our stores, houses and social places.

Old People

Not as bad as one might think but stinky never the less. These people usually get the idea in their head that they’re old so they don’t have to maintain themselves anymore. Well let me tell you that you are WRONG! If you go out into public you have a responsibility to yourself and to others to clean yourself up, wipe your ass and put on some deodorant. I am sick and tired of smelling nothing but denture cream and fucking prune juice every time I go to the doctor’s office.

Jocks

I have never been a Jock and I will never be one for one reason and one reason only: the stink that comes along with it. If you’ve ever smelled a changing room after a hockey team has left it you will know what I am talking about. Mansweat along with hockey equipment/baseball equipment/football equipment is one of the worst smells on the face of the planet. If I had it my way there would be disposable pads and uniforms that would be burnt after each practice or game just to insure that the stink doesn’t linger. Let’s go one step further. I would make sure that we had disposable players as well. They’d be good for one game, or two games tops then after they get to a certain level of stink (determined by me of course) they would be thrown into the incinerator. Not only would this get rid of the stink but it would allow more teaching time in class as opposed to the 15 minutes on average the Jocks take to ask questions that they would probably know the answer to if they had been paying attention for the last 5 minutes.

Animal Fiends

I don’t care what anybody thinks, animals stink. People say that most animals are cleaner than people but hey, I don’t eat my own shit. I don’t use my tongue for toilet paper. I also don’t piss all over the floor and furniture.

Again, there are people who love animals so much and who live in their own little world and they deny that animals stink, yet although most people won’t admit it when you walk into the home of a person who owns 5 cats the first thing you smell is cat piss. That is a scientific fact. Then you have these people who have 1 of every type of animal you can name and believe that there is no smell attached. All I have to say is you are full of shit. Your animals stink and you probably stink as a result. Fuck off.

Let’s be frank people, it takes 10 to 15 minutes to shower. For God’s sake I’m not saying that every person needs to be showering all the time but shit, clean yourself up a little bit before you go out in the morning. You’ll be doing everyone a favor including yourself.

There should be an authority put into place called the Stink Police, run by me. Me and my subordinates would roam the streets of North America looking for people who smell unpleasant. Particular emphasis would be placed on the groups listed above and let’s not forget town workers, lawyers, homeless people and Indian restaurant owners. On the first offense the offender (yes, because foul odor in public is an offense) would be forced at gunpoint to have a shower at the Stink Police headquarters, or wherever a good Samaritan would lend a garden hose. The bill of soap, shampoo, body wash etc. would be sent to the offender because let’s face it, it was their responsibility to keep fresh in the first place. On the second offense the offender would be tarred and feathered. There’s nothing like Southern Justice to teach a good lesson. After the tar and feathering the person would be forced to have a shower, much like under the first offense. On the third offense the person would be shot. Nuff said.

The worst part of the situation is when someone brings it up that a person in the vicinity smells terrible. As soon as it is mentioned the person who brought it up turns into the asshole, which is ironically what the stinky person smells like half the time. Listen bastards, don’t get mad at me or people like me who shouldn’t have to put up with your rotten funk. It’s not our fault you didn’t clean yourself, it’s yours.

I always smell good. Ask anybody. At the slightest hint of my deodorant wearing off I run to the bathroom and apply a fresh coat. Let’s face it people: it’s just good manners to not stink.

Go to Hell.