Summary: In an attempt to make something for Draco, Harry is forced to learn why exactly it is that he is no longer allowed to do anything remotely related to Potions. Total crackfic… Pastries attack…
Disclaimer: These characters are based off of the kick butt awesome writings of JK Rowlings. I don’t own ‘em she does. I just write the weird arse stuff that you see below…
Draco walked up to the front door, eagerly awaiting to get into the safe confines of his humble abode. It had been one horrendous day at the Ministry and all he wanted to do was curl up on the sofa with a cup of brandy and his boyfriends head in his lap. Because lets face it, nothing makes a bad day better than having your favorite drink mixed with the warmth of another body next to yours.
He smiled as the image flashed before his minds eye and started to turn the doorknob, only to be thrown back as someone yelled through the door. “Don’t come in yet!”
“What the hell?” Draco growled out and tried to push the door open again.
“I said don’t come in here yet.”
“Look, either let me in or I will blow up the door and you will be the one that has to fix it. Which way would you like to go?” It was never a good thing to piss off an already perturbed Malfoy. But today just turned out to be one of those days where no one cared, even the one person he thought would know better.
“Okay, but if I let you in here you have to promise not to get mad.”
Draco sighed and closed his eyes as he could feel a headache coming on. “I’m already mad Potter, the only thing I can promise is the fact that I wont hex your balls off. I have too much use of those to get rid of them.”
The door slowly opened and Draco was greeted with a very messy brunette. “What in the world happened to you?” Flour covered the other boy from head to toe, along with other various ingredients that Draco was sure were supposed to go in the mix. “You look like Betty Crocker exploded on you.” Draco had become very accustomed to muggle ways, seeing as how he had been living with Harry for three years, so he knew exactly who Betty Crocker was. And he cherished the good food that came from her as well.
“I tried to bake a cake. But it didn’t work out as I had hoped.” Harry looked over his shoulder at the kitchen.
Draco could see smoke pouring out of the closed door and groaned as he realized that this could possibly turn into a disaster. “How many times do I have to tell you, remove the oven mitts after you put the cake in the oven?”
“Oh, I remembered to do that.” As Harry said this they could hear something crash in the kitchen. “I think I messed up the directions somehow.”
“Harry, do I want to go in there?” Draco pointed to the kitchen and looked down at his boyfriend. In all of the years that he had known the other boy he knew that if you mixed Harry with any kind of directions remotely related to potions the outcome could be dangerous.
“Draco, you know how bad I was at potions right?” Draco nodded and waited for Harry to continue. “This is so much worse than the time I mixed the potion that ate through the desk and inevitably made it to where the whole class couldn’t leave until we were all cured of the disease that came afterwards.”
Draco remembered that day with horror. The whole advanced potions class had had to stay in Snape’s classroom for three days because they had all been diagnosed with some weird from of disease that even Madame Pomfrey didn’t have a cure for. It was horrible to say the least. “Oh, you are so going in there and cleaning it up yourself.”
“I am not going back in there.” Harry backed away from the door to let Draco in the apartment and watched as the Slytherin closed the door behind him. “You should see it Draco, it’s sitting there on the oven taunting me.”
Draco snorted at the absurdity of that statement. “Harry, I don’t think pastries can taunt people.”
“You’d be surprised.” Harry looked off into space. “Its horrible. I didn’t think I would ever make it out alive, but I fought it off with my bare hands.”
“You are insane. Did you hit your head during the process of making this thing?” Draco walked over to the kitchen door and stopped as hands clamped down on his arm, effectively holding him in place. “Let go.”
“You can’t go in there. It’ll eat you alive.” Harry looked at Draco, eyes wide with horror.
Draco quirked an eyebrow and smiled at his boyfriends antics. This was the funniest part about dating the boy wonder, you got to watch him make a fool out of himself on a daily basis. “If I’m going to figure out the exact amount of damage, I need to go in there. Don’t worry I think I can protect myself against the evil cake.”
He opened the door and looked at the scene in front of him. The kitchen looked as if a bomb had gone off. There was flour everywhere, the walls were covered in a brownish goop that looked like it could’ve been cake batter at one point and then there was the monstrosity sitting on the oven. It was huge and looked as if it had a pulse. “What the…” He queried, but as soon as the words left his mouth the thing on the oven started to shake and he had enough time to grab Harry’s arm and drag him out into the living room before it exploded in the kitchen. “Holy shit.”
“Do you believe me now?” Harry asked as he looked up into the shocked eyes of his lover. “It’s been doing that for the last half hour. You’d think that it’d eventually run out of stuff to spew, but apparently I made it to where there was a never ending supply.”
Draco stared at the now swinging kitchen door, catching brief glimpses of the mess that now covered the entire room. “This is exactly why they made it so you couldn’t do potions anymore.” He looked down at Harry. “You have so got to clean that up.”
“Me?! You’re supposed to be the overprotective boyfriend that would save me from anything. What happened to that?” Harry whimpered as Draco pushed him towards the door.
“Your mess, you get to deal with it.” Draco pushed open the door and Harry clung to him like he was the last Chocolate Frog. “Get in there.”
“NO!!” Harry planted his feet and pushed back against Draco as the other boy tried to push him to his ultimate demise.
Suddenly a thought popped into Draco’s head and he instantly knew how he could handle this situation. “You’re going to tell me that the Boy-Who-Killed-Voldemort is scared of pastries?” He laughed as Harry’s hold on him decreased and the shorter man looked at the door trying to ponder his next move. “That’s really sad Potter. I would’ve expected more from the savior of the wizarding world.”
At this Harry turned to glare at his boyfriend. “I am not scared of pastries.”
“Prove it.” Draco nodded towards the door behind Harry’s back, smiling as the look of determination worked it’s way on the other boy’s face. “I don’t think you can. You’re too much of a chicken.”
“I’ll show you who’s a chicken you big pain in my ass.” Harry turned back to the door and kicked it open. Draco laughed as he made some very distinct ninja moves before running into the kitchen screaming like a banshee. “DIE YOU EVIL FLOUR FILLED THING!!”
“Beautiful war cry dear, I’m sure it scared the hair off of the mouse in the corner.” As the yells in the kitchen became louder he could barely make out the rumbling of another oncoming explosion. Deciding that he better play the hero in this situation, he ran into the kitchen and stepped in between Harry and the ‘thing’ just as it exploded. “Aww, that’s so gross.”
Harry looked at him wide eyed and then looked over at the source of all of their problems at the time being. “I think maybe we should make a run for it. I’m pretty sure Ron and Hermione wouldn’t be too upset with us showing up if we told them what was going on.”
"Harry, I’m covered in your God awful creation and our kitchen looks like it’s seen better days. But I refuse to be defeated by a freaking would be pastry!” Draco yelled and then turned to face the shaking mass. “EVANESCO!”
The bubbling mass vanished and things eventually started to settle down. Draco turned back to look at Harry and smiled at his wide eyed expression. “What?”
“Why didn’t I think of that?” Harry looked back at the place where his attempt at cooking used to be. “All of this mess could’ve been spared if I would’ve remembered to use that.”
“I promise not to let anyone know that you were too scared of the pastry to remember it.” Draco cast a couple of cleansing charms on the room and then looked down at the emerald eye boy standing next to him. “I need a shower, and seeing as how it was your creation that did this to me, I think it’s only fair that you help me clean it off.”
Harry smiled and grabbed Draco’s hand, pulling him in the direction of the bathroom. “Maybe I should try to cook more often, if the outcome is to see you wet and naked.” They both laughed and started to strip, desperately wanting to be rid of the goo that was already hardening to their clothes. “What I want to know though, is where did that thing go?”
Draco laughed and pulled Harry into the shower. “Let’s just say that I’m not the only one who should suffer from your botched attempts at cooking.”
~Meanwhile at the Weasley/ Granger residence~
“WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THAT?!” Ron yelled as a mass of brown quivering stuff landed on his coffee table. In turn the thing exploded and Ron ended up with a mouthful of the horrible tasting goop that shot out of it.
“I believe that its another gift from Mr.’s Malfoy and Potter.” Hermione cautiously wiped some of the mess off of her book and with a flick of her wrist it all disappeared. “I have a feeling that I should stop trying to teach Harry how to cook. It’s obviously a lost cause.”
“Obviously.” Ron grimaced as the taste was still in his mouth. “From here on out, the man just needs to stick to pre-made items.”
“I agree.”
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