Summary: Being an evil crazed dark lord can really take its toll on some people. Eventually you’re going to crack, thus making it to where you are easily defeated by your enemies. Harry thinks its hilarious that the man that has wanted to kill him for sixteen years is singing ‘I’m a little teapot’. Total crackfic, this is what you get when you cross me with boredom. (I know this is a bad summary, but work with me people.
Disclaimer: These characters are based off of the kick butt awesome writings of JK Rowlings. I don’t own ‘em she does. I just write the weird arse stuff that you see below…
"You will the rue the day that you ever pissed off Lord Moldy Shorts..."
"Did you just say rue?"
"Snape, I'm trying to talk here..."
"Seriously, who says rue anymore? That was so last century."
"If I wanted your opinion I would've put it in writing, sent it to Wormtail, had him reread it five times, lose it in a vast majority of papers for five years, find it because I'm looking for scratch paper and then hand it to you."
"You could've just said 'Keep your opinion's to yourself'. It would've saved you five minutes and Potter wouldn't have gotten away."
"WHAT?! Did I not specifically say 'Keep an eye on the speccy git'?"
“You always get pissed when we interrupt you so we decided to let you go along with your spiel.”
“You are about five seconds away from getting AK’d Snape.” Voldemort looked down at his worthless minion. Sixteen years of this man’s crap, he could easily destroy him now and be done with it. But then who would help him throw elaborate tea parties?
“By the way, I’d hate to bring this up now seeing as how you seem to be brooding and all.” Snape looked back at Voledmort with an equal amount of dislike. “But earlier when you were saying your little speech to Potter…”
“Before you interrupted me by commenting on my usage of the word ‘rue’?”
“Yes, about that time.” Snape cleared his throat. He would not smack the Dark Lord, even if he was acting like a bratty three year old that had just gotten told he couldn’t have his toy. “You referred to yourself as Lord Moldy Shorts.”
Voldemort looked around the group of Death Eaters as some started to snicker behind their masks. “I did no such thing.”
“On the contrary, oh evil one, you did. In fact, I’m surprised you didn’t notice Potter laughing his arse off while you were trying to sound threatening.” Snape chuckled as he recalled the memory so Voldemort could use legilimens to see from his point of view.
Voldemort scoffed and crossed his arms after he got done looking at the memory. “I do not find that funny in the least bit and if you all treasure your idiotic lives than I would suggest you stop your hideous cackling at once.”
This only caused more laughing amongst the Deatheaters. At which point Voldemort had had enough. With a flick of his wrist and a few mumbled words, all of his little wannabies turned into toads. “That’ll teach you to mess with Lord Moldy Shorts.”
“You just said it again.” Snape popped back into view.
“How the…” Voldemort looked stunned that he had missed his one true pain in the ass. “I could’ve sworn that I just cast a very difficult spell. How in the name of Merlin did you manage to side step it?”
“I know all of your moves. Besides that, if the person has enough brain power they will realize that they can just step back a few feet and it wont hurt them.”
“You can’t be serious.” Voldemort laughed. “All this time I thought magic wasn’t a thing to reckoned with and now you’re sitting here telling me that if you’ve got good enough reflexes you can dodge a spell?”
Snape slapped his hand against his forehead. Was he seriously working for the stupidest evil villain? “Not all spells you moron, just that particular one.”
Voldemort sniffled at being called such a mean name. “I’m not playing with you anymore. WORMTAIL!”
“You just turned him into a toad.” Snape groaned, this was so much worse than having to put up with Longbottom’s attempts at destroying his dungeon. “Why did I ever sign up to do this?”
“You lost a poker game to me and in turn, I got to brand you with my new tattoo design. How was I supposed to know that it’d eventually turn into my official calling card?” Voldemort sniffled again and tried to look for his Wormtail -toad look alike.
“I wonder if I bring Potter here now he can just go ahead and finish it all. That way I can be ripped away from this personal hell.” Snape rolled his eyes as his supposed evil crazed maniac of a boss, stopped his search to look at a daisy. This was the last straw. With a pop, he disappeared only to reappear in front of Gryffindor tower. He started to bang on the picture of the fat lady, ignoring her squawks of disapproval.
“P… professor Snape?” Longbottom, who had been forced to open the door, stuttered as he looked up at his Potions professor’s face. “C…can…”
“Save it Longbottom, go get Potter and tell him to get his arse down here now.” Snape rolled his eyes as the clumsy oaf ran up the stairs to retrieve the boy wonder. After a couple of minutes Potter walked down the stairs and over to the open portrait.
“What can I do for you Professor? Come to retrieve me now that I’ve finally managed to escape the psychopath that is your Dark Lord?”
“Funny.” Snape glared at the smaller man and raised his eyebrows as he noticed a mark on his neck. “Care to explain that one?”
“Not really.” Harry looked behind him and smiled as his boyfriend made his way downstairs. “I’ll let him explain for me.”
Snape coughed as he saw Draco Malfoy walk up behind Potter. “Mr. Malfoy.” “If all you’re going to do is stand here and act surprised then can we please be allowed to go up stairs and continue what we started?” Draco looked at his professor with a bored expression. He hated being interrupted when he was with Harry. Especially when the person doing the interrupting just so happened to be his head of house.
Snape scowled at the two and then focused all of his attention on not killing them both. It wouldn’t be wise to kill the Savior of the Wizarding world, considering the fact that now would be the perfect time to kill Voldemort. “I need you to come with me Potter.”
“I’m am so not falling for that one again.” Harry backed up until he was pressed up against Draco’s back. The last time he got asked that was when Snape grabbed him and portkeyed him straight into Voldemort’s hideout.
“Look, you insufferable git. I need you to come back there with me that way you can kill that moron and save me from winding up with a killer migraine.” Snape rubbed his temples, this was going to be a long day.
“Why should I trust you? I mean, you could just be telling me this so you can get me there and have him kill me.” Harry glared at Snape.
“He’s running around turning all of the Deatheaters into toads and picking Daisies, I think that now would be perfect for you to finish it all.” Snape looked into Harry’s eyes and allowed the boy to look into his mind at that particular memory.
Harry laughed as he saw Voldemort crying over being insulted. “That’s priceless. Are you sure you want me to destroy him, it seems like he’s having so much fun.”
“Potter, I beg you to destroy this idiot that way I can get back to bed.” Snape grabbed Harry’s hand and tried to make his way to back to a place where he could portkey them both out of there, but he was stopped by a pale hand grabbing his sleeve.
“If you take him, you’ll have to take me with you.” Draco looked down at Harry and smiled as love flashed through the other boys eyes. “For one, I don’t trust you in the slightest, and for two I have a bone to pick with my father.”
“Very well, but do try to stay out of the way. I want this done fairly quickly.” Snape stepped outside of the door and pulled the portkey out of a pocket. He held it out so all three of them could touch it and waited. Finally he could feel the all to familiar tug on his navel and the next time he looked up he was standing exactly where he had been before he made a trip back to Hogwarts. Only now, the Dark Lord had transfigured something into a table and chairs and was sitting at the head with all of his Deatheaters-turned-toads surrounding him.
“He’s throwing a tea party.” Harry chuckled. “A fucking tea party!?”
“I told you it was the perfect time.” Snape laughed as Voldemort started humming ‘I’m a little teapot’.
Harry turned to bury his face in his boyfriend’s chest so he could muffle his uncontained laughter. Draco looked around the table and then back at Snape, “All of them are toads?”
“Yes, I only managed to get out of the way because I wasn’t laughing as hard as the others were when the Dark Lord tried to sound menacing.”
Eventually Harry calmed down and turned back to the scene in front of him. This was just too priceless. “I guess being a mass murderer can take its toll on some people.” He chuckled and then pulled his wand out of his pocket.
“You have no idea.” Snape pulled out his as well. “I guess now is as good a time as any.”
Draco stepped up on the other side of Harry and pulled out his wand. “Think it’d be an overkill if we all hit him at once?”
“It’d probably get it over and done with a lot quicker.” Harry smiled at Draco and winked as he looked back at his arch enemy pouring tea into a cup for his ‘guests’. “On the count of three.”
They all nodded in agreement. “One…Two…Three!” Three green blasts shot out at the unsuspecting Dark Lord, but just before it hit him a single toad jumped into their path. It disintegrated before it hit the ground.
Voldemort turned to figure out just what the hell happened and looked down at the ashes laying by his feet. “Wormtail?” He nudged the pile with his shoe and found one of his counterparts rings hidden beneath. “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Tears sprung to his eyes as he fell to his knees, picking up the ring and holding it to his chest. He looked up at the three standing in front of him and focused all of his attention on the one in the middle. “Damn you Potter!!”
Before he could reach his wand though, three more green blasts made their way towards him. The last thought running through his mind was. “Oh no, not again.”
“Well, that was easy enough.” Harry stepped forward and looked down at the two piles of ash. “What do I do with these?”
Snape stepped up next to him and flicked his wand, the ashes disappeared and two bottles popped up in their place. “I’ll keep these, just incase someone gets the hair brained idea to start this whole mess up again.”
Draco looked around the table and stopped on a vaguely familiar looking toad. “Father?”
“Oh right, I guess I should change them back.” Snape flicked his wand again and all of the Deatheaters returned to normal.
“Dear Merlin, that was just weird.” Lucius looked up at his son. “Draco, what are you doing here?”
“We came to defeat the supposed Dark Lord you wanted me to join forces with.” Draco laughed at the expression on his father’s face. “By the way, it was a total overkill. So, I guess I wont be getting the dark mark this summer. Instead, I think I would like you to start decorating the garden for a summer wedding.”
“Wedding? Who, pray tell, will you be getting married to?” Lucius looked around him to see if he could find a pretty young girl his son had finally decided to settle down with.
Draco walked over to Harry and wrapped his arms around the smaller boy’s frame. “I’d like you to meet my fiancé, Harry Potter.” He smiled down at Harry, who looked absolutely shocked at this sudden turn of events.
“When was this decided?” Harry turned in Draco’s arms and stared at him wide eyed.
“Harry, I love you more than anything. Will you marry me?” Draco pulled out a ring and slid it on Harry’s finger as the smaller man chocked back a sob and nodded. Neither one noticed the faint thump of Lucius falling to the ground in shock.
“Well, this has to be the weirdest turn of events. One minute I’m being controlled by a maniac who wants to destroy all muggles and the next I’m being told I have to start planning a wedding and I have to accept Harry Potter as my son-in-law.” Lucius groaned.
“At least it’s all over.” Snape smiled at the though of him finally being able to get a good nights rest. He disappeared with a faint pop, and reappeared in his sacred dungeon. Sitting the two bottles in a locked cabinet he made his way to his bed. “No matter how weird this school gets, I don’t think anything could’ve topped that night.”
THE END
More Adventures Await