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I need help.. this is really long..
 

 
 My sister and I were severely neglected children. We have a long history of neglect including an ongoing and constant exposure to physical abuse, substance abuse & violence. This isn't nearly everything that we had to endure.. there is quite a bit more... my sister and I could honestly write a book. A lot of really awful, really bad things have happened to us, while our family stood around and did nothing about it. I know for a fact that we did not have it as bad as a lot of people have, and I am in no way trying to make excuses for myself. I understand that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger... but i'm almost 26 now, and I have been having a difficult time leading a normal life. I have a lot of flashbacks... the memories i have keep me up at night.. often.. every week.. Every day something triggers a flashback.. of some sort.. I have problems with relationships, with anyone. I feel like I have this huge heavy figure standing on my shoulders.. weighing me down.. controlling my life. I get anxiety every day over stupid things. I will get panic attacks occasionally, any sort of a fight will usually trigger one.. I'll suddenly quit a job, end a relationship, move out of state or to another city, etc.. I don't deal with any sort of additional stress well..
 

 
 I have never actually told anyone everything about me.. I've told tid bits here and there to boyfriends before.. but I have never actually addressed all of this. I am hoping... perhaps somebody may have some advise for me. I can't really afford counseling right now.. and of the 3-4 times i ever even showed an interest to a doctor they told me i need meds. But they never even asked for me to do anything other than fill out a brief questionnaire where they would tally up points to my answers.. any moron can do that... I need REAL help.. just want to feel good about myself.. :( for once
 

 

 
 My mother was 15 when she had me.. my father was 18.. they were both users and dead beat losers. They fought constantly, and for the most part we stayed with my dad at his parents house.
 

 

 
 We were kidnapped and were severely mentally and physically abused by our bipolar drug addict mother for a 10 month period. she had taken us without permission cross country to live with distant relatives (we had never been exposed to my mothers side of the family until this event had occurred). She enrolled me (age 5-6) as a much older child in school attempting to avoid the police? I really have no idea. The staff assumed I had a learning disability and placed me in a small special education class far below my abilities. She would get angry and beat us with sticks or belts, when she left marks we were told to tell people we fell down the stairs if questioned about it. I remember her being hot and cold with her emotions, and she had a very short fuse. Months later when my mother realized the police had caught up with her, we suddenly fled back to another city back in California with her birth mother. I remember this well, as she had broken a window and used me to crawl in and open the door to let her into her relatives home and steal their savings to make her 'get away' to California?, who knows. The second school I remember being extremely anti social and I do not recall interacting with any of the children or staff, I also remember being very uninterested in the learning material, which was abnormal for me. The police did find us soon after, and I was seized from school by the police. I was traumatized, and terrified as my mother had repeatedly and vividly explained that we were under no circumstance to have any contact with him, and if we did, she was going to kill him. When authorities released us to child protective services, we were kept for a few days for an evaluation. They had shown great concern with our reaction to the situation, stating that we were one of the worse cases of mental manipulation by a parent they had encountered. Physical abuse was also noted. We didn't see, or hear from our mother not once, until much much later in life.
 

 

 
 I developed an eating disorder and began to gain weight from that point on in my life. I was considerately heavier when I returned home from the incident with our mother. My sister became very hyper active and I became more quiet and withdrawn. My sister and I shared a bond, which we can relate to with twin like behavior.. understanding
 
thoughts and becoming inseparable, to this day my sister will tell people that I raised her.
 

 

 
 Our behavior was never acknowledged by my family. I honestly do not remember a single event of discussing what had happened to us until my sister and I had gotten much older and had inquired about it, and even then it was quickly dismissed. As a matter of fact, my 'family' (which includes my sister, father, his parents, and his brothers and their families), has a very serious dysfunction of not discussing or acknowledging issues and emotions, even after the most severe of my sister and my traumas, we were never sat down with to talk about any of it... even when really serious things would happen to us.. That just wasn't something they did with us. It gave my sister and I a very warped perception of what was in our eyes 'a normal way to process emotions' and what leading a normal life is like. I will not say that my 'family' is truly all bad, as my sister
 
and I were always loved and shown affection, even if it was minimal and commonly required it to be earned. My grandmother and aunt were usually the only ones to ever interact with us on an individual level, aside from our father. My grandparents were very old fashioned.
 

 

 
 Our life with our father was chaotic at best. He was, and defined himself as, a party animal. He never worked a job, but did graduate high school and acquire a computer technician certificate through a community college, not to be mistaken with a degree. Not like he would ever do anything with it aside from brag about it in his entire LIFE. He would spend his time going to parties and 'hanging out'. He was involved in illegal activities which included drugs, intoxicated & dangerous driving, theft, heavy drugs & manufacturing, fighting, general dis-conduct, was in and out of jail for multiple offenses, and for as long as I could remember, didn't have a valid license or insurance, yet drove around frequently. I remember being that kid running around at inappropriate parties, he would bring us with him when nobody would watch us. Sometimes we would play with other kids in backrooms or outside, left unattended. A lot of these kids exhibited destructive, hyperactive and sexually abusive behaviors. We'd be put to sleep in unfamiliar places at night, often awoken late/early to relocate elsewhere. I was molested by an adult and a couple of young boys. 3-4 separate incidents.
 

 
 My sister and I were mostly looked after by my grandparents until I was around 8 when my grandparents started to pressure my dad to take care of us. My families policy for things is very similar to the 'tough love' method. My father was no longer allowed to live with them at this point and was forced to go elsewhere. My grandmother helped him acquire a 2 bedroom duplex in another city. My father received the typical single parent with two children government paid income, and he was content with that and hustling on the side.
 

 

 
 We did not have much money, ever. I remember my father always being broke.. always. I do not have any memories of my father ever taking us out and spending money on us for anything we needed, such as clothing, toys, books... that just wasn't what he did... The only things he purchased for 'us' was food, but never anything specifically for us. It was rare to nearly non-existent that we received anything of substantial value from our father during this time. Most of the activities or things that we were given that required money was funded by some of his many girlfriends, or our grandparents, which was a minimal occurrence. My sister and I learned not to ask for things, and we never felt entitled to things, as we knew we didn't have much money. I remember watching other kids ask and even demand for things at the grocery store which to us meant they were rich. My father defined people with a job basically as 'rich people'. I am and have always been very uncomfortable around people I perceive as rich or well off, I have a mild resentment for them, assuming their lives were perfect and they have never had to face anything I have... My anxiety is highly unmanageable in social situations with people of elevated incomes and social status.. As a child we didn't blame our father for our poor background and were quite okay with it. We were told we were poor and rich people are rich and that's just that.
 

 
 My father was a meth addict and a partier with two kids, he didn't want to admit or even take notice in our neglect. My entire life I have never lived anywhere much longer than a year.. and living somewhere for a year, is a very rare thing. The 'houses' were always thrashed and since we were both girls we were in charge of cleaning.. We always did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. We cleaned other things when asked but for the most part were picking up my father's disgusting living habits. Our home was generally disgusting. I learned at a very young age to never invite friends or anyone.. over ever. The carpet was always gross, stained and ruined, burn holes and tears in everything.. Broken objects from fights with a girlfriend, kicked in doors, holes in walls, destroyed items lying around with passed out 'parents' and strangers were a common thing to come home to from school. As a matter of fact my father would sleep for days on end. I remember my sister and I would often try to wake him and not be physically able to. Sometimes we would scream FIRE ..or pretend something awful happened.. honestly.. had we ever needed him in an emergency.. i honestly don't think he would have woken up for us :(.. My sister and I learned at a young age to fend for ourselves. We would go door to door selling fruit or flowers we had picked so we could walk to the store for food.
 

 

 
 School was difficult for me. We moved so often i had an exceptionally difficult time adjusting to things. This became a consistent factor in my life, I was always picked on and teased. I never had clean or nice clothes to wear and was painfully and increasingly awkward and shy. We were always called gross and dirty.. and we were.. I remember feeling as if it was my fault and it was just who I was.. I began to hate myself.. I couldn't stand my own reflection, whenever I was around other people I would stay quiet and try not to draw attention to myself, hoping to go unnoticed. I became timid and afraid of being teased. My father never woke up in the mornings to see us off to school, and we were actually punished if we were late or didn't go to school. It was entirely up to me to get up in the morning and get myself and my 2 year younger sister ready and off to school in time. We have a lot of depressing school pictures from throughout the years... we didn't shower or have normal hygiene habits at all. We had yeast infections, knotted hair, cavities, we were infested with lice for the majority of the time our father was our sole caregiver. We never had money for field trips and often had to wait behind.. teachers seemed to understand and I had multiple staff from schools personally purchase tickets and food for me to go to events.. this happened with parents of my friends often as well. I understand that this is possibly the cause of my social anxiety.. and fear that people look down on me and I am not perceived as one of them.. it is very intense in certain social situations for me.. my anxiety attacks are usually triggered when I'm around people I'm unfamiliar with.. as I still haven't been able to change my self image much at all.. i still feel like everyone looks down on me, and that no matter what I do I will always be unaccepted.
 

 

 
 My father would get new girlfriends often, and made us call them 'mom' which we absolutely hated. Most of these women were just as bad off as my father, but some we did grow attached to... There was one who he stayed with for almost two years. Their favorite activities were tweaking out on stupid crap and fighting, day in and day out. They would be up for weeks on end, and crash for days. They had very violent fights and she had a habit of dragging my sister and I into things. During one fight she pulled me out of my room and tried to get me to hit her.. yelling at me and trying to instigate me to fight with her... I never would. We would hear them start to fight and we would usually try to run away to hide. We spent quite a few violent fights hidden in our closet... Police would usually show up, somebody would usually go to jail, and the house was always destroyed afterward s. They would beat each other with anything.. or break things just to prove a point? Fights between them would break out in public places even.. there was always blood.. always screaming... It was usually pretty bad. I have a lot of anxiety over confrontation and disputes... If someone yells at me.. especially a boyfriend.. I will break down and cry.. and try to get away.. I lock up and refuse to communicate.. sometimes I will not even respond... to anything.. When I see or hear people argue.. i get terrible flashbacks of my father.. and that woman... beating each other.. and screaming.. it makes me anxious.. and sick.
 

 

 
 Towards the end of our time with our father he was usually homeless. We lived in cars, and boats.. parked trucks.. campsites when we had to be with him. He would leave us alone in these places for long periods of time. Sometimes he would leave us alone with his ever present tweaker friends.. Who would steal from him, and us... We were always avoiding the cops, as sometimes when they caught up with us, Dad would usually go to jail. My dad would dump us off on our family whenever he could. Over time, they wanted less and less to do with us. He would bring us over and there would be fights about how they didn't want us there. Every time we had a decent place to stay it was with our relatives, and we felt out of place and unwanted while being there. They would just act like normal people and pretend everything was fine... There was always tension when we were around. They would be angry with us and short tempered. We usually had lice, and they would make us stay outside until our aunt would medicate our hair and comb through it, which was an improvement on my dad's solution which involved spraying our heads with raid.
 

 
 My dad managed to find a place again and we had to go with him.. It was an abandoned trailer out in the middle of a field on some tweaker's property. There was no electricity or running water. It had holes in the walls and the roof was far from waterproof. It was rotting away. The woman who owned the property felt bad for us and let us plug in an extension cord from her house to the trailer.. (honestly it was more of a train box than a trailer.. it was disgusting) but when she would get mad at my dad she would unplug it. My sister and I would keep warm at night with our dog and a blow dryer (if we had power). My dad would vanish for days and return.. sometimes he would yell at us for his mess.. and how we never clean anything. He would tell us that if it weren't for us, he would have done better in school and blah blah blah. Just a general piece of crap.
 

 
 The only way we were able to wake up for school in the morning were some neighbor kids who would wake up early to come get us and let us get ready at their house. But some days they were late, or weren't able to help us. Our attendance was very poor and eventually Child protective services found where my dad was keeping us.
 

 
 I was a sophomore in high school the day they came and took us from him.. I was sitting in class and a police officer came for me while i was in class.. i just vanished from school for a few weeks.. everyone thought i was arrested!!. He took me to the hospital where my sister and i were forced to strip down to nothing and give all our clothes and possessions to them to be destroyed. They sprayed us with chemicals and told us we were contaminated. There were other children who lived on that property there that night in the hospital.. most of us were crying and scared.. nobody really told us what was going on. That night we went home with my aunt and uncle who were instated as our foster parents. They received around 1400 a month for the two of us to live with them. Our father had lost custody of us instantly. The trailer we were 'living' in was condemned, as it was a meth lab. What little we had, was burned and bulldozed to the ground.
 

 
 All of a sudden we had parents. All of a sudden we had food and tv and electricity. All of a sudden we had socks to wear to school!!!! omg socks... sorry lol.. We even got our own rooms for the first time in our lives. We did not miss our father, at all. Nobody talked to us about what had happened. Things started getting much better for us. Our aunt was wonderful with us.. and our uncle tolerated us. I started making friends and wasn't teased anymore at school. We thought we had a new life.. things were great. I received a letter in the mail a few days after I graduated high school stating that the state was no longer going to pay for my housing or medical -anything- ..it was essentially a 'good luck' letter. My aunt and uncle moved. They had saved up enough money in the year and a half they had us to buy a new house. They had no intentions on taking us with them. They moved without warning. It broke our hearts... we had really become very attached to our aunt and uncle and it was devastating that they had left us. I stepped up... i had been working two jobs and had a car at the time. I got a 2 bedroom apartment in a bigger city and was granted legal custody of my sister. I was her new
 
foster parent. And it was hilarious signing her up for school..lol the principle awkwardly asked which one of us was the senior :p None of our family really so much as came to look at our place, we had pretty much no contact with anyone. Nobody really cared.. Things began to spiral out of control for us.. my sister had issues with drinking, parties & drugs, me with boys, poor decisions and racing cars.. (possibly a book of it's own.. lol) She joined the navy and I went my own way..
 

 
 I have been in and out of school, I have moved too many times to count.. I am just now figuring out how to lead a 'normal' life, and what I want more than anything is for the first time ever, to be stable. Overtime though I have begun to realize that I do not have control over myself.. all the time. I am still very emotional and very unpredictable. I am struggling with this as I feel it is ruining my life and would appreciate any advise... and don't be afraid to let me know if you feel I'm over reacting? I just don't know..