Mood:
blueNow Playing: She's your cocaine-Tori Amos
Topic: Life
Everytime I look out the window I get that aching feeling. The knuckles on my hands are always white from being balled into fists.
Buildings, trees, fields, and water pass by my eyes as I sink lower into the leather of the bus seat.
No one sits next to me and maybe I prefer it to be that way.
I'm not really sure.
I'll push everyone away until I'm truly isolated, but constantly in motion so that I'm not aware of it; but just when I think I can't stand people I start craving companionship again.
I think its that not too long ago I had companionship. I was really in love with someone, they were my muse, and while there was a constant yearning, I had him. I had his voice, his mouth, his eyes, his hands, and his heart.
I don't really know what happened. I keep going over the details, what did I do wrong?
but I know the truth of the matter is that I can't think about it too much these days.
I have school, I have things to do.
But mainly its that it's been 3 months.....soon to be 4, or maybe it has been 4?
I'm not even truly sure anymore.
I just know that I am utterly lonely.
So lonely that I'll curl up with anyone if it'll keep me warm for a night.
And that's sad.
It's sad because it leaves me pushing people away even more, there's no trust...
and with that there's no real feeling.
So that I'd be warmer if I was alone than if I was next to someone, at least I would feel the hollowness of my bedroom when I'm alone...
Instead of feeling numb and cold when I am under the arm of some lucky son of a gun.
Life is weird like that though.
I want to be someone else.
Sometimes I want to be that girl again, the one with the long hair and effortless smiles....
that coy young thing that opened up so quickly, her words a river stories.....
But mainly I miss her ability to dream.
Sometimes when I lie in my bed I have that ability again.
If I turn up my music and close my eyes I can imagine myself somewhere else.
I usually go back in time when I dream, instead of looking to the future.
I'll find myself in my dreams to be 15 again, wearing a green lace skirt that looks like sea weed and hangs on my hip bones. I'll see myself with flowers in my hair on midsummer with the boy I used to love only last summer...
I'll see the forests I used to run in, not the ones here...the ones back home...or the ones in sweden....
forests where I could run alone, as far as I wanted, and not run into anyone for hours.
Here when I run I bump into people. I see friends, or people I don't know very well but have met at parties, or I'll see people I never wanted to see.
The forests here are lived in, people pop out of trees and laugh like hyenas because they are living in some distant realm that I've never been able to reach.
I'm quiet when I run with only my breath to mark my existance. My body is light and my feet make small sounds in the dirt.
Usually its the snap of my camera that gives me away.
Once I saw deer here, it was a doe with her fawn. Watching them all I could think was how bittersweet it was, how I wished I could be like that...something precious and secret and surreal..
it reminded me of that one time at slottskogen when jacob and I saw deer....they were like bambi, spotted and tiny; their little legs bent as they sat in the brush.....or walked unsteadily like colts in the spring.
My hair is short these days, a bob, and I get told that I am like a flapper daily. I miss my long hair though, I miss it floating around me in the bath....or just the simple weight of it when I put it up.
It only recently got long enough to put in a pony tail the other day...
I want my self confidence, I want to be able to look people in the eye...
but mainly I want to feel something for someone else again....
I want my heart to beat for someone...
and I want that someone to care for me.
I want a relationship...
I'll know its a relationship when I put my head in their lap and cry and not have them cringe or turn away.
But I hold my emotions in these days rather well. The other day a man who I thought I could open up to hurt me deeply, and I pretended not to care....his response was, you handle everything with such grace and strength....
I didn't even respond.
All I could think was, so you think that complimenting me on how gracefully I handle everything will make up for me getting dissapointed once again?
But then again its not like I really cared for him, he was just a chance, a chance for me to open up....but I didn't and in that I saved myself.
I push people away before they can ever really know what happened.
And my internal dialogue is never quiet.
It's at times like this that I feel so frustrated. I just can't figure out why I am so unlovable. I know I'm not really...I used to be loved deeply by someone...
I just wish I could love someone and be loved back again...
and yet I have all of these reoccuring dreams and I wonder if he does...if he remembers...
It doesn't matter all too much really...we're friends now....but I'll always be gaurded.
I just wish I could be close again.
Sometimes I really miss it.
And I'm embarressed by how much I miss it.